Chapter 1: NO METAPHOR. NO SIMILE. NO SYMBOLISM. A LITLE BIT OF ONOMONOPEIA, BUT ONLY BY ACCIDENT. SORRY!
Chapter by Masu_Trout
Once upon a time, there was a beautiful pink-haired maiden named Utena.
The time it was upon was, of course, 2:43 EST. This can also be written as 6:23 GMT, 9:43 EET, and 7:43 UTC. It cannot, however, be written as 1:43 CDT; 1:43 CDT is equivalent to 1:43 EST, not 2:43 EST.
The time was in PM – Utena had been sleeping at 2:43 AM EST (6:23 GMT, 9:43 EET, 7:43 UTC. She had coincidentally also been sleeping at 1:43 AM CDT, though the time was not in fact equivalent to 2:43 AM EST). Beautiful maidens could hardly stay beautiful for long without their beauty sleep.
Now, though, she was not sleeping. It was a warm Wednesday afternoon in late March, and Utena was holding a kitten.
The kitten's name was Akio, though shared name was entirely coincidental and not evident of any deeper meaning. The kitten was no relation to the human Akio, bore no resemblance to the human Akio, and in fact had only met the human Akio once, when it piddled on the man's socks.
The human Akio did not much care for the kitten Akio, as it were. That was why Utena was currently standing outside, holding it carefully by the scruff of its neck.
It was a small kitten, and rather scruffy-looking; it was not nearly as attractive as the human Akio, partially because Utena Was Not Into Animals That Way and partially because it was just not a particularly handsome kitten.
Utena looked at the cat. “Hello, cat,” she said.
The cat meowed. The sound was not symbolic of any deeper meaning. It was just a meow.
Without anything better to do, Utena brought the cat up to her dormitory.
The campus was rather large, and getting to her dormitory was a bit of an ordeal: she had to walk through three and a half rose gardens, climb 642 perfectly spiraled stairs, take three elevators, four buses, six escalators, ride a friendly horse down two paths and over one edge, and bum a ride off one traveller with a craggy face and hair that smelled like tobacco.
She didn't know why the traveler stayed near Ohtori Academy every day. Surely he had somewhere else to go? But it probably didn't matter, and anyway it saved her a good twenty minutes of walking.
Finally, she arrived at her dorm room. Recently, someone had painted a large mural across the dormitory halls. It was a strange scene – it depicted roses flying across the walls and ceiling, a princess with a sword being ripped from her chest, a witch and a maiden intertwined, a prince taking arms against a monster, a bride being stabbed by endless swords, a brother and sister copulating joylessly, and a woman transforming inexorably into a rather expensive car.
A first-time viewer would probably assume that the mural had some deep meaning. Perhaps it spoke to the condition of the human soul, or explained the secrets of the shrouded past. Perhaps it even shed light upon events that had not yet occurred.
That viewer would be wrong, however. The mural was in fact completely meaningless.
Utena shrugged and opened the door.
Anthy was sitting inside, spanking her monkey. It wasn't an uncommon occurrence – in fact, Utena saw Anthy at it almost every day. Chu-Chu could be poorly behaved at times, and often she often needed to use a bit of firm punishment to keep him in line.
But at the sound of the door swinging open, Chu-Chu scurried away and Utena saw that she was not actually spanking her monkey after all. Instead, she was masturbating.
“Anthy,” Utena said, annoyed. “How can you masturbate at a time like this?”
“Oh,” And said, and removed her hands from her skirts. “I'm sorry. What time is this, anyway?”
“3:36 PM EST. Or if you prefer, 7:36 PM GMT, 10:36 PM EET, or 8:36 PM UTC. They are all equivalent.”
“Thank you.” Anthy smiled. “Is it also 2:36 CDT?”
Utena shook her head. “No, it isn't. 2:36 CDT and 3:36 EST are not equivalent.”
“Oh, how disappointing. I meant to masturbate at exactly 2:36 PM CDT, but I must have converted the time wrong. I need to be a better watch.”
Utena sighed. Anthy was like an old woman, sometimes – though, it must be said, she was not actually an old woman (or even a middle-aged one) by any system of measurement or criteria that Utena was aware of. Her behavior merely reminded her of stereotypical 'elderly' behavior sometimes, in a way that could be either amusing or frustrating. Her refusal to by a modern clock, no matter how many times Utena pestered her or she herself remarked on the need, was only one of such behaviors. Her tendency to masturbate without first locking the door to her quarters was another such tendency.
It was almost like she'd been groomed by an abusive immortal brother to lack a sense of either privacy or self-worth. But that would be silly, of course. Utena laughed.
“Well, no matter. I need our help to take care of this kitten.” She held the kitten out to Anthy, a little nervously. “I don't actually know if I'm good with animals, so you need to help me.”
“Well, I think you must be. You were very kind to the cow-girl you befriended, after all. Or the cow-girl you will befriend? I'm so bad with time.”
Utena looked at her strangely. “Well, cows and cats are very different. I don't think cow experience is relevant to cats.”
“Hmm.” Anthy took the cat from Utena's hand and set him on her bed. He curled up on the bedspread. “What is its name?”
Anthy nodded. “What an unusual coincidence.”
“Well, with all the cats in the world, it was bound to happen eventually.”
The cat meowed, opening its mouth wide.
“Oh,” Anthy said. “I wonder – do you think that cat's meow is a plea to our shared humanity? A desperate desire to connect with another lonely being, to find a creature willing to care for it and share love with it? A sign of a heart as bold as fire and as hidden as stone, the call of a creature more noble and ancient than any mere human can understand?”
“It's just a meow. It doesn't mean anything.”
“Of course.” Anthy sighed, then picked the cat up and brought it to the window. “Well, anyway, your first problem is that this isn't actually a cat.”
“What?” Utena asked.
“It's really a jet plane. A-” she checked the cat's ear, then looked at its paws, “A Lockheed P-80 Shooting Star, if I'm correct.”
“What? Fjijrijrgijnng how can you tell?”
“It's all in the shape of the ears. We've been having a lot of secret machinery sneaking in the school lately, so I've been on the lookout.”
“Wow, how weird.” Utena adjusted her collar nervously, hoping her gearshift was safely hidden.
“Here, I'll show you.” She tossed the kitten lightly out the window. It arced through the air, letting out a surprised (but otherwise meaningless) meow... and then the windows all exploded as it transformed into a World War II-era jet fighter, America's first successful turbojet-powered combat aircraft.
It let out a rumbling mechanical roar as it darted across the midafternoon sky. The sound was powerful and awe-inspiring; it might have been a grand creature's desperate challenge to the sky, a sign of the triumph and beauty of machinery and the relationship one shared with nature.
But it wasn't, of course. It was only a sound. Utena saw no need to reflect upon any sort of meaning, as there obviously was none.
Laying in the rubble of what had once been her dorm room, Utena moaned in pain. The walls had been mostly destroyed by the jet engines' boom and what had once been her home was now merely chaos and rubble. Next to her lay one of the mural pieces from her walls; the sister stared at her with empty eyes, her painted hand wrapped around her brother's plaster rod.
“I think we should have waited until we were out of our dorm room before we tested the cat,” Utena said. “I feel like this could have been avoided.”
“I agree.” Anthy was laying in a pile of rubble a little ways away. She was bleeding a bit, but didn't appear to be mortally wounded. Most of her clothes had been destroyed by the blast. Chu-Chu, with his powerful monkey reflexes, had managed to escape the danger entirely and was chitering cheerfully at them. “I suppose that's always the danger when you mishandle a kitten and/or a jet plane.”
“Hmm.” Utena sat silent for a while longer before looking once more at Anthy. “Hey, you want to have sex? I know it's not your normal time, but I'm bored and the TV is probably busted now.”
“Oh, sure!” Anthy said eagerly. “I only schedule masturbation. I'll have sex any time of the day. Even 2:58 CDT, though that's of course irrelevant as it is not currently that time at all.”
“You're absolutely correct,” Utena said passionately as she embraced Anthy.
They made out until 4:29 PM EST, a time period which can also be described as 8:29 PM GMT, 11:29 PM EET, or 9:29 PM UTC. After that, hey took the rest of their clothes off and had loving, glorious sex until 6:41 PM EST, a time period which can also be described as 10:41 PM GMT, 1:41 PM EET, or 11:41 PM UTC. After that they had to stop because Saionji found them and said it was super gross that they were having sex in the middle of a destroyed building with a monkey watching them. (Though actually he was wrong and it was super hot.)
They had to move and get an apartment off campus, because the academy refused to allow them to rent another room after what happened to the first one. This was okay, though, because they got to have lots more awesome sex in a room that wasn't destroyed and also because there were less crazy people in the city than at Ohtori.
Eventually, Utena and Anthy dropped out of school. Utena got a job as a news reporter and ballerina, while Anthy became an astronaut. Their lives were pretty good until six years later when the same jet plane came back and (coincidentally) destroyed their new apartment. They had to move to Maine in America and start their lives over with false names because no one in Japan would rent them an apartment anymore.
That was a bummer.
The names they picked were Dean and Sam Winchester, and eventually they decided to learn how to fight jet planes just in case Akio (the kitten/jet plane, not the human, though neither of them were particularly eager to see the human Akio again either) came back again.
Instead, though, they accidentally rented a book on how to fight vampire jet planes and learned a whole bunch about the supernatural world and decided to fight things there because they were pretty angry about their apartments being destroyed and wanted some stress relief. They only wanted to do it as a hobby, but they were actually very good at it. A lot of people came to them for help.
And that's how the TV show Supernatural got made.
Chapter 2: This art also doesn't have any meaning! Well, a little, because it has to mean something to be related to the other work, but it only means a litle and only about things you already read, so it should be easy to read anyway. There's no extra meaning here!
Chapter by Masu_Trout
This is art about the normal things that Anthy and Utena did in the story you just read! It is super good, and you will like it.
I know you will like it.
I know you.
And here is the beautiful illustrations I made for you! APPRECTIATE THEM:
This is from the part where Anthy decides to become an astronaut (which really she wanted to be all along, duh) and goes into the outer space! It is nhard for Utena to say behind and newscast ballet for a living, but she perseveres!!!
Anthy does not like Maine! Anjd Utena is sweet so she knows it. But they HAVE TO GO.
Their disguises aren't that good, since you can totally see who is who under the fake hair, but they're not too bad either. I bet they'd fool a jet plane, if a jet plane were actually out to get them instead of it just being a coincidence.
ANTHY IS SO PERFECT. She will fight all the jet planes, even the vampire ones!!!