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Dear Diary

Chapter Text

fuck
i mean
how do you even
god damnit
john
and his stupid, lovable ass
that boy
i mean god
d
a
m
n
i
t
his adorableness should be illegal
too fuckin cute
his oblivious derpyness should be illegal too
too fuckin aggravating
why cant you see john
why
why must i listen to rose and her stupid rambling blah gay gay i need to get laid
stupid bitch
wait
scratch that
shes still my sis
my overly psychoanalitical sis
and i love her
i guess
just not like i love john
hes perfect
those eyes after hes woken up and grumbling for coffee
still with sleep crud in the corners
i just want to brush it all away and softly run my hand down his beautiful fucking face
god am i creepy
but fuck it
oh GOD
excuse that stupid pun
my brain isnt working right
does that when i think too hard about johns stupid ass
which is not stupid
its incredibly grabbable thank you very much
i wish i could grab it
i wish i could grab you john
run my hands down your sides
trace circles on your belly
make you laugh that incredulous laugh
i want to
i want to see you john
not like i used to see you
i want to see all of you
to caress your body and make it keen with passion
whoa man
calm the fuck down
at least
thats what i should be telling myself
but i dont really wanna stop
this is too much
uh
i dont think fun is the best word
but its nice to say all of this shit without ridicule
kind a easy
fill up the screen with this neon red ive become accustomed to
i wish it could mingle with the blue again
that neon blue that stands out over everything
john is cold now
aradia told me so
she also said some shit about john not being able to use the dream bubbles
fuck
ill never see you john
never get the chance to
to
to kiss your face
bump noses and hear your nervous giggle
explore every single crevice of your body with my tongue
maybe
maybe im desperate
i miss you john
i miss you a fucking lot and i dont care what the maid says
im fucking finding your ass
well be with each other again
i swear
promise
i promise john
times got hard but no one thought you would die
you were the best
the hero
it was you

Chapter Text

hey john
i know you cant be here
you wont be here
but im okay with it
you can know whats been on my mind through these shitty entries
course
you should already know
its you you fruity douche
fuck nonhomosexuality
in its hetero little ass
we all know
that thing with vantas kind of blew your cover
its out of the closet bro
we always knew
i always knew
but i had to wait
wanted to wait
im waiting for you john
john
such a nice name
sure its a bit mainstream but hey that aint your fault now is it
your pops was so kind
let me stay over whenever the fuck i wanted
whenever bro was too much
he got
aggressive
i still have the bruises
still hurts to swing my arm around a bit
he didnt like it
thought gay was something you had to beat out
i remember every time
remember lil cal sitting in the corner
creepy plastic face gazing into mine
i wanted to bash his fucking face out
but bro wasnt finished
each time he increased something
speed
strength
whichever it took for him to be satisfied
but it never changed anything
i loved you
i still love you
in love with you
fuck aradia
fuck everyone else
platonically
you are the only person i feel deserves being fucked
the only person for me
you
you just dont realize what torture i go through
you manage to be a total cocktease then go "oh dave i'm sorry i'm not a homo! hahaha!"
yeah
hahafuckinha
john
women dont deserve you
hell
i dont deserve you
but i was never the fair one like you
i took the shortcuts
saw my bodies pile up one after the other
wonder when my time would come
time is such a thing of the past
who even made it a thing i dont know
time is supposed to ease the pain
but it doesnt
it stretches it out and slows down the initial blow
pulls its claws down your arms with skill and precision and slow pleasure
makes your veins and heart slow
pulls at your sanity with every little string
clips away at you until theres nothing left
i
i have nothing left

Chapter Text

john fucking egbert
thats the core of my goddamn problem
his adorkable smile
those soulful eyes
a body id kick babies to touch
a body worthy of a thousand goddamn kisses and hugs
i want to touch him so badly
it aint even ironic anymore
to squeeze the base of his dick then forcefully slide my hand up
repeating the movement until johns nearly incoherent
i want to turn him into a shivering mess of a boy
the only legible sound coming from his mouth being my name
“dave dave dave dave dave” and id answer so smoothly
“yeah man i know im fuckin hot tits roastin on a frying pan”
then his almost silvery laugh would break the sticky wet tension
god damnit that laugh
oh man
i just remembered one of the times we almost did have sex
stupid fucker wont quit teasing me
truth is
hes so ridiculously oblivious to everything
like how he couldnt see the strain in my eyes even though my shades had been long gone
he was so nervous
but i told him just to chill and roll with it
he wasnt buying the fact that i was drunk off my ass
which i wasn’t
i just needed him to think this was the alcohol movin and groovin
which i also at the same time just didnt want
i wanted him to know that this was me
that this was dave
this was real
so
with complete composure and skill
broke it to him that i was in fact not drunk
he stumbled around with his words and thunk
about many things
lots of things
sexy things I think
his problem is
hes cautious
im nauseous
these words are obnoxious
he giggles and stops it
just halted
and thought that
“hey
maybe i do gots a thing for ass
it aint that bad man
just go back to class
your immaturity like a glass
wall
holdin you back
from wonders of men and all their colorful sass”
whoa now
no need to get ahead of ourselves here
i mean
johnd never say that
would he

Would he?

Chapter Text

egbert
why cant you just show up?
anyways
i dont care
ill still keep sleeping
still keep searching
rose says im going narcoleptic kinda like harleys deal
fuck her
she has her little lesbo
kanayas there
shes real
youre not
i dont think she really understands what its like
not having them there
were on different levels
im much deeper
the scars run deeper
yeah
not something either of us discuss at the dinner table
she has scars
i have scars
its stupid but it feels good
the warmth trickling down your arm
the cold chill that replaces that spurt of hot liquid
the ugly ruddy brown it turns to
scabs i pulled off out of boredom in class
that was a level of understanding that we could relate to each other
shes really just an insecure nerd who instead of cowering dares people to judge her for what she is
the struggles killed her emotionally until she turned into this iron encasement of frustrated offputtance
kinda like me i guess
i know that i hide behind a pair of shades and layers of irony
its where i find solace
bulbous foam ass and sentences with double meanings

 

ive been so tired lately
i sleep and sleep
searching for john
but its like having school then a glorious weekend
sleeping late kinda gives you this hangover that tells you 'fuck im still tired bro put me back in a bed'
'dont take away my ambrosia just yet'
greedy little fucker
so
anyways
i guess im gonna go back to sleep
wish me luck
oh shit
someones here
i really gtg

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You rub your eyes underneath your shades. You're so tired you can feel the bags underneath your eyes. Hah. Sleep deprivation from sleeping too much.

You wait for a light rap against the door, but it never happens. She just walks right in.

"Lalonde." You deadpan.

"David." The hurt in her orchid eyes and pallid, taut jaw slice through you.

"I was just going to sleep, you can leave, I'm fine." -Don't look at me like that, please. I already hurt too much.-

"Did you take advantage of my advice?" -I'll look at you however I want, you matter to me.-

-Yes, I did, and I think it's really helping. It feels good to tell my feelings, even if I'm the only one who will ever read it.- "Fuck no."

"Whatever, David. I'll let you sleep." -When are you going to stop hiding behind these lies? What is the use anymore?-

"Kay." -The lies don't hide. They sustain.-