Actions

Work Header

Enemies & Friends (The “Ogron, Ogron, Ogron” Remix)

Work Text:

Ogron Leader reporting to Master.

Ogrons Za and Ur sent to house. Sky was dark. Kicked door. Broke door.

Old human woman in room. Old human man. Woman screamed. Za grab woman. Man grab metal stick from next to fire. Beat Za with it. Ur grab at man. Man spin around, beat Ur. Woman struggle free, stab Za with metal needle. Man throw wooly shirt over Ur's head, bash him more with metal stick. Ur throw off wooly shirt, shove man away, run. Za run after Ur.

Ogrons waiting for new orders.


"What in the world are you doing here?" Luke's mother asked, staring bewilderedly at the ginger-haired man leaning against their gate. "I thought you hated Earth."

"No 'hello Turlough, it's good to see you?'" The man shrugged. "It turns out that I hate Trion more."

Sarah Jane sighed. "Hello, Turlough. It's good to see you. Please, do come inside."

"Don't mind if I do," said the man—Turlough, Luke supposed. He was wearing a suit and tie. It looked very like one of Luke's school uniforms, except Luke's uniform didn't have a blazer. At least, Luke thought it didn't. Perhaps the winter uniform would have one. Did they have a winter uniform? He'd have to ask Clyde.

"Is he an alien?" Maria asked once they were all inside.

Turlough looked down at her. "Why would you think something like that?"

"Most humans don't go around wearing their school kit when they look as old as you do, Turlough," said Sarah Jane.

Turlough smirked. "Only the interesting ones."

Sarah sighed. "Turlough."

"Oh, all right. But they're the only Earth clothes I have that are suitable for the climate." He draped himself over the sofa.

"So you are an alien," Maria said, grinning.

"Something like that," said Turlough. He glanced up at Sarah Jane. "You know, they don't look like twins."

"Maria's not mine," said Sarah Jane. "And Luke's adopted. How did you find out where I lived, anyhow? I've moved since the eighties."

"Guidebook," said Turlough airily. "You're in there, with instructions on how to look you up in an emergency."

"Oh really," said Sarah Jane in that voice she always seemed to use with Clyde. Luke wondered if this meant that Turlough was cool as well, at least in the way aliens thought of cool.

"New editor," said Turlough. "Evidently, 'mostly harmless' wasn't cutting it anymore."


Ogron Leader reporting to Master.

Ogrons Ka, Ba, and Dur sent to office. Dur knocked over desk, grabbed man in desk. Make him tell where secret door. Ka and Ba beat secret door with clubs until it opened. Man came out. Man shot Ba with gun. Ba fell to ground. Man shot Ba again. Man shot Ba again. Again. Again. Again.

Leather wing bird thing fly out. Grab Ka. Ka struggle. Bite leather wing. Leather wing drop Ka. Ka fall on Dur. Dur drop man. Man hide. Leather wing claw at Ka and Dur. Ka and Dur run.

Ba missing. Ba dead? Man with gun have Ba.

Ogrons waiting for new orders.


The sad thing, Clyde thought, was that arriving at Sarah Jane's house, only to find her fighting off a crowd of giant aliens, with nothing but her sentient supercomputer, her robot dog, and some weird ginger bloke in a school uniform had stopped being strange months ago. Par for the course, really, he thought.

She'd probably been well on her way to kicking their alien arses anyhow by the time Clyde, Luke, and Maria joined in, brandishing their school books like the deadly weapons they were, but Clyde liked to think they'd helped.

"What the hell were those?" the ginger bloke wheezed after the big ugly aliens had run away.

Sarah pursed her lips. "To be honest, I don't know." She glanced over her shoulder. "I don't suppose you know our alien friends were, Mister Smith?"

"Negative, Mistress," said K9 before the supercomputer could answer.

"They are not a species that can be found in my data banks," said Mister Smith said smoothly. "Which are, of course, much more thorough than any K9 unit."

"Species name: Ogron," said K9. "Planet of Origin: Planet of the Ogron. The Ogron are a semi-humanoid race of limited intelligence, commonly employed as mercenaries in future centuries. Known employers include: the Master, the Daleks, the Nisbett Brothers."

Clyde stared at the tiny robot. "But didn't you just say..."

"This K9 unit was throughly programmed by the Doctor," said K9. "The alien supercomputer designated as Mister Smith was not. This K9 unit was merely answering for the inferior supercomputer Mister Smith." It wagged its tail.

"Thank you, K9," said Sarah Jane. "That was very helpful."

"My data banks inform me that the human identified as Josephine Grant has experience with Ogron," the little robot added.

"Doesn't K9 have some duties to attend to involving a black hole?" Mister Smith didn't sound happy. This, Clyde knew, wasn't a good sign.

Clyde frowned. "You do, don't you?"

"Affirmative," said K9 and he trundled off in the direction of the safe. Clyde breathed a sigh of relief.

"Mum? Mister Smith can find Josephine Grant for us, right?" Luke was frowning.

"He won't need to," said Sarah Jane. "I already have Jo in my address book."


Ogron Leader reporting to Master.

Ogron Ga, Zur, Og, Mog, Zog, Mur, Meb, Teb, and Tog sent after girl with jacket. Girl with jacket take round things out of bag. Girl with jacket throw round things. Round things explode. Girl throw more round things. More explode.

Ogrons Ga, Og, and Mog return. Burned a little bit. Ga, Og, and Mog not want to talk about other Ogron.

Ogrons waiting for new orders.


After she saw all the cars, Maria's mum thought Sarah Jane was having a party. She wasn't really, but Maria didn't see why she should disillusion her mum. It wasn't as if she'd listen anyway.

She felt a little bit guilty for hoping her mum would leave soon to go and snog Ivan or something, but Sarah Jane was having a real live council of war! With dozens of people who'd traveled in time and space with the Doctor—or at least knew someone who had. Maria loved her mum, she really did, but there were some things in life more important than family togetherness.

Once Chrissie was gone, Maria sprinted across the street. "Did I miss anything?" she asked Clyde once she'd caught her breath.

"Most of the arguing," Clyde said easily. "We're mostly down to plotting now. And snacks. Sarah Jane just sent Luke and Doctor Sullivan out to get more biscuits. Oh, and marshmallows. Peri—she's the American one, she's married to this bloke that used to be king on an alien planet—she thought we could have a bonfire and toast them."

Maria blinked. "Used to? What happened to him?"

Clyde shrugged. "How should I know? He's a pro wrestler now, though, a really brilliant one. He even gave me his autograph!" He sounded ridiculously proud of himself.

Boys, thought Maria disgustedly. She wondered which one of them was supposed to be the wrestler-king. Sarah Jane's garden was absolutely full of people. Maria was surprised everyone had room to move. And was one of them wearing a tuxedo...?

No, that was definitely not a tuxedo.

"Clyde," she said very slowly. "That's not a giant penguin talking to the old lady in the cardigan, is it?"

Clyde grinned at her. "The aliens aren't going to know what hit 'em."


Ogron Leader reporting to Dalek Supreme.

Master knocked out from fight with band of humans. Could not set trap for Doctor. Shall Ogrons capture Master and bring to Daleks?

Ogrons waiting for new orders.


THIS IS THE DALEK SUPREME. OGRON MERCENARIES SHALL STAY WITH THE TIME LORD KNOWN AS THE MASTER UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE AND CONTINUE TO AID HIM. HE WILL SERVE TO DISTRACT THE TIME LORD KNOWN AS THE DOCTOR FROM DALEK PLANS ON THE PLANET SPIRIDON.

OGRON MERCENARIES SHALL AWAIT FURTHER ORDERS.

OBEY! OBEY!