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I suppose I could have stayed in China, Mousse thought, wiping angrily at a stubborn stain on the counter. That would have been a smart choice. Another dunk of the rag into the bucket, being careful not to make too much of a splash. But I just couldn't let her leave my life chasing after some fool outsider. One that she was supposed to marry, of all things. Amazon men don't have much power, but I'd be damned if I would let that idiot just marry her, claiming her for himself for always. I at least had to make him feel some of the hurt and anger I had felt when my love was taken from me.
I guess I'm kidding myself a little. She was never mine to begin with. But it wasn't for lack of trying!
So much for choices...
"Great-Grandmother, I home!"
"My darling Shampoo!"
<CRASH>
Ouch!
"Stupid Mousse. Shampoo very tired now. Get out of Shampoo's way!"
I stand up woozily from the floor. "But Shampoo, I've stayed up late cleaning so I could prepare your dinner when you returned! You've been out so frequently with all your visiting big sisters that I wanted to welcome you home with a special meal..."
<THUNK> <CRASH>
Ow...
"Shampoo very busy taking care of warrior business. Stupid Mousse not understand why all of sudden big sisters coming here see Shampoo? Shampoo having to explain many time about husband and red-haired girl before big sisters get wrong ideas, go to try kill Airen. Stupid Mousse not even finish cleaning tables in all this time. Now in Shampoo's way when Shampoo tired and want come home relax! Stupid Mousse no understand. Stupid! Worthless!"
I try again, "But, Shampoo..."
<WHAP> The familiar pain of a staff strike and then the <WHIRRRRR> as it twirls in the air seeking its next target... <CLONK>
"Not even done with the tables yet, boy? And stop bothering Shampoo."
My head, right arm and back are protesting as the dried up old monkey strikes me again and again, knowing just where to repeat blows from earlier in the day. Nothing I've done all day has been enough for the ancient matriarch, and Shampoo has been around less and less to help run the restaurant so I've been forced to do more and more of the work. I start to really regret not going to bed earlier when I begin to see stars. I don't even see the bucket coming.
<SPLASH> <CLANG>
"Quaaaak..."
My love slowly bends to pick me up, and I stop my feeble protests, thinking that she will finally show some sympathy. And in her own way, perhaps, she does, drop-kicking me out the front door and across the sky of our adopted town.
Normally, I would just right myself in midair and glide down to a smooth landing somewhere, but my right wing refuses to obey me. All I can manage is a barely controlled plummet to earth, where I land on a garbage can in a small explosion of feathers, plastic wrappers, juice cans, and other things I don't have the time or the inclination to identify as consciousness leaves me.
-~-
"Will he be all right, Dr. Tofu?"
Huh?
"Yes, Akane, he'll be fine. He's had a concussion, and his right arm was wrenched out of proper alignment, but that will soon heal, and his other injuries are minor. I'm sure he'll regain consciousness soon."
A concussion? Proper alignment? I try to open my eyes, but the light seems so bright...
"Oh, thank you, Dr. Tofu! I brought him straight here after I found him on the way to school this morning, but he wasn't moving... I'm so glad he'll be all right."
Oh, that Japanese doctor's clinic. That makes sense. And Akane helping me... she's always surprised me a little by doing things like that. For someone so quick to anger, she is surprising sympathetic to those weaker or less fortunate than herself. She'd make a good Amazon, but I'm sure the elders of the tribe who already think that our modern warriors have too much softness in their hearts would disagree with me.
"You did the right thing, Akane. Do you need a note explaining why you're late for school?"
What do I know, anyway? I'm just a male.
The voices fade into faint murmurs as I hear footsteps traveling down the hall. I close my eyes as a tear slips from beneath my lashes.
-~-
I awaken to the sound of Ranma and Akane arguing somewhere in the distance. The voices seem to be getting louder.
"Uncute tomboy!"
"Pervert! I saw what you were trying to do with Shampoo and those other two Amazons!"
My eyes fly open. Shampoo? Two other Amazons?
"Aw, man! I told ya! I wasn't doing nothin'! First those two attacked me, then Shampoo came along and spouted a bunch a' Mandarin at 'em, an' then they tried to glomp me, and then when I threw them off, they started calling me 'husband', an' then they glomped me again, an' then Shampoo was just trying to get them offa me... didn't ya see that she had those bonbori of hers out?"
Hmmm. That sounds a lot like Shampoo's big sisters were trying to claim Ranma as theirs... if she drew her weapons on other warriors, then she's probably been fighting to retain her right to Primary Claim to Ranma. Just wonderful... and that explains why she's been out so much lately.
"Oh, right, Ranma! Like I'd believe a ridiculous story like that! And I suppose that's the same thing that you SAY happened last night! Oh, please!"
Oh. Of course, even if it is what happened, Akane won't believe Ranma.
"But, Akane, no! Last night they were trying to kill me, after Pop threw me inta the pond, and Shampoo was just..."
They were trying to kill Ranma's girl-half? No wonder Shampoo looked so tired last night. She was probably having to forcibly explain to her big sisters why she hasn't killed that red-haired girl that she gave the Kiss of Death to...
"Shut up, Ranma! I know it's a big ego trip for you to have all these gorgeous Amazons trying to marry you, but I've had about enough of your girl-chasing! I'm going home. Ask Dr. Tofu how Mousse is doing for me, all right? That is, unless you have a date with those two Amazons... Hmph!"
Sometimes I feel a little tiny bit sorry for the guy, even though I hate him. He never asks to get into some of the situations he ends up in. But then, I didn't ask to be here with a concussion, either. If Ranma would just choose Akane or Ukyo or Kodachi, then... then... well, then Shampoo would have to kill whichever girl he chose, or die trying to defeat her. I wonder if Saotome knows that... maybe that's why he's not choosing... why didn't I think of that before? If Ranma chooses someone that Shampoo can defeat, then he'd either have to kill Shampoo to protect her, or the girl would die. Oh! Has my dratted eyesight really been preventing me from seeing this? Or did I just want to blame everything on Ranma? I always assumed that he was just delaying agreeing to marry Shampoo because he was tormenting us all...
I hear a large sigh from him. "Hey, Doc. Akane said that she brought Mousse in this morning. How's he doin'?:
"Hello, Ranma. He'll be fine. You can step in and see him, if you like. I think he woke up just a short while ago. He needed the rest."
"Thanks, Doc."
Footsteps, then a door opening... "Hey, Mousse."
I push myself up a bit on the pillow. "Hey, Ranma."
Silence.
"Shampoo throw you out last night?"
"Kicked, actually."
"Geez."
Silence.
"Well, I'm glad you're all right, an' I'll tell Akane."
"Oh, can you thank her for me, Ranma? I mean, for bringing me here? I don't remember it, but I'm sure glad she found me."
"Sure, man. You just get better, OK?"
"Sure, Ranma."
Silence again. Ranma's never been big on conversation.
"Ranma, is what you told Akane just now about the Amazons true?"
"Aw, man, of course! Why would I make up somethin' like that!?"
"Sorry, Ranma, I just had to know." I close my eyes.
His sigh preludes a torrent of words, fast and frustrated, "No problem, man, it's just that nobody ever believes me... What's up with that, anyway? First Ling-Ling and Lung-Lung, then that trio two weeks ago, then the one last week, and now a pair yesterday and today... why are all these Amazons trying to kill me, an' then Shampoo fighting them, an' then them trying to marry me?"
I look him in the eye, "You mean, you really don't know? Wait a minute. What trio? What one last week?"
"There's been a bunch a' Amazons, man, and they keep findin' me at the WORST times..."
Wow. If the pattern I think I see developing is what's really going on, it was right of Shampoo to be frustrated with me for annoying her last night.
But he was continuing, " ... and Ling-Ling and Lung-Lung are still hanging around, eyein' me like I'm a slab of beef or somethin'..."
"Ranma, Shampoo gave you the Kiss of Death, remember?"
"Yeah, but I thought we got that all sorted out... I mean, I'm not a girl!"
I sigh. "Ranma, her sisters don't know that. They only know that Shampoo is failing in her mission to kill your girl-half. They're coming to Japan to help restore her honor by killing you."
"But Shampoo's been interrupting them..."
"Yes, and she's probably explaining about your curse. Then they're coming back to see how good you are in battle, as a guy, hoping you'll defeat them."
"Aw, man... when I push 'em away, they're seein' THAT as defeat in battle? That's when they get all glompy and Akane usually gets there..."
"And if you're leaving then, you're probably not seeing Shampoo fighting to keep her Claim to you."
"Aw, man... "
"This is not a good situation, Saotome."
"Why me! Man, Akane is gonna pound me into the pavement with that mallet a' hers if this keeps up."
"Maybe you should talk to Shampoo and Cologne. She is an elder, and the warriors must listen to her, but she's been gone from the village a while..."
"That sounds like a plan... hey, thanks, Mousse! These Amazon laws an' stuff get pretty complicated!"
Do you really know how much, Ranma?
"Well, it could be worse, Saotome. If they were outsiders, I mean..." If they were outsiders, and they asserted that their Claim was Primary, Shampoo could be required to kill them or die trying... I squint carefully through my glasses hoping to see some sign that Ranma understands...
His vision seems clouded for a moment, then he comes back to himself and shrugs. "Nabiki'd understand it better'n me. I dunno how you keep it all straight."
Hard to tell... but, did he seem to be thinking about more than he was saying?
"Well, I'd walk you back to the Nekohanten, but with my luck today, there'd be forty Amazon chicks waitin' for me when we got there. You OK gettin' home?"
"Yeah, sure, Ranma. Thanks. And be sure to thank Akane for me. Next time I see her, I'll try to explain some of what's going on with the warriors tracking you down, if you'd like."
"Thanks, man! That'd be just great. I gotta get home, though... Kasumi's makin' dinner!"
"No problem. I'll see you around."
"'Okay... bye!"
He's out the door in a flash of red shirt. A promise of Kasumi's cooking and the famous Saotome appetite make for fast travel, I guess.
"Mousse? If you experience any dizziness, or blurred vision... I mean, more blurred vision than usual, I want you to either come back here right away or get to a hospital, OK? There's a very slight chance that your concussion could have lingering effects, but you can go on home now."
"Thank you so much, Dr. Tofu. I don't have any money right now, but I can work to pay you for treatment..."
"Don't worry about it, Mousse. I really didn't do much, and I know how hard you work at the restaurant. Just try not to wrench any more joints now, all right?"
"Thank you, Doctor. I'll try."
-~-
As expected, Ranma didn't make an appearance at the Nekohanten that evening, or even the next day. I kept my eyes open, hoping to figure out how many of our tribe were actually in town. That was difficult, because business was brisk, and I was doing most of the work. Shampoo was spending less and less time at the restaurant, and every time I saw her come home, she looked worse and worse. First it was smudges of dirt here and there, or torn clothing. Then I started noticing the bruises and scrapes. She and her sisters were spending a lot of time making one another miserable over Ranma Saotome. She could barely keep her eyes open when she was eating her dinner a few nights later.
The situation was getting more and more grim with each arrival from China, and if something didn't change soon, Ranma was going to have half the Joketsuzoku chasing Shampoo around Nerima hoping to challenge her for Primary Claim rights to him in a moment of her weakness. Amazon women on the hunt for a choice male are similar to those strange grazing animals that have an alpha male that acts as herd boss. The young bucks keep nipping at his defenses until he tires, and whichever the lucky buck is that manages to find him at his most tired and slowest is the one that defeats him. I don't know why the animals do things backwards, but I suppose that's the difference between humans and animals -- we understand the power of the female.
Before we left China, before that blasted Tournament, Shampoo was the most promising of her generation, a warrior in her prime. With constant harrying and challenges issued at all times of the day and night, her flawless form was beginning to falter just a bit. The proud warrior whom I wished to call my wife, living epitome of all that Amazons value, was undergoing a trial of perseverance and skill that I had not heard of. I ached inside just watching what fragments of the situation I could glean between chores. I knew that although Ranma understood some of what was going on, he didn't care what Shampoo was going through; he only thought of the implications of Akane finding out how many Amazon fiances he had gained in the past month.
All of the repetitive tasks at the restaurant gave me time to think... With the ideas that had started to form in my mind the day at Dr. Tofu's clinic, I added information about other goings on of Nerima and stirred them all together until a solution started to fall out.
That insane Kuno girl had the sorts of arcane potions and powders that the Matriarch stocked, and probably kept less of a detailed inventory. Her ever-suffering servant seemed to be starving all the time, and often came for scraps from the restaurant garbage cans.
Ryoga was off training somewhere, but a few challenge notes had made their way to Ranma setting a time of two weeks previous, so he should be showing up any time.
I began intensifying my after-hours training efforts, and did every little thing I could think of to make my chores more involved, to bring extra-intense training into the hustle and bustle of my days. Time passed very quickly for me, although Shampoo seemed to be struggling to get through each day when I had time to notice her. I rededicated myself to my purpose every time I saw her beautifully persevering, and tried to stay out of her way as much as I could.
-~-
One evening a few weeks later, I waited out back for the Kuno servant to come foraging. I had a deluxe ramen seafood combination stashed away for him, and the promise of another one if he could do as I asked. He had had a particularly rough day, apparently, and arrived muttering something to himself about a "Mr. Green Turtle" and how he should be able to play with his food by himself quite happily" but I couldn't really figure out what he was talking about.
I made him my offer, and watched as he thought about it briefly and then gave in to his hunger pangs. The seafood combo was gone in moments, and he was off into the night silently. It's gratifying to see how well a ninja can hide himself once he's had a bite to eat.
The next day, he arrived, looking a little nervous but hopeful. He handed me a small package, wrapped in black paper and string, in exchange for another cherished seafood combination. After finishing it, he waited while I carefully unwrapped the package and did a quick test of a few grains of powder. I carefully rewrapped the package, and nodded, and he smiled at me like a kindred spirit. I suppose we both are attracted to powerful women. Then he vanished into the night.
-~-
A moment of absolute clarity came from thinking about an unexpected source... Comments Ranma had made over the past year reminded me that someone in the Tendo household possibly had a copy of our Laws, translated into Japanese. If it was in the same house as Ranma, chances were that he might have read it. If that were the case, and if he understood its implications, then he really could have good reason not to choose any one of the fiances and to keep all of the women hanging around. There was a chance that Ranma had more compassion and honor in him than I had thought. I needed to be sure...
I stole a few hours away from my chores. As the saying goes, if you need information, see Tendo Nabiki.
I didn't have the kind of money that she'd demand to tell me how much time Ranma had had with the Book of Laws, or how much he understood. But I did have information, and for Nabiki, I was hoping that was more valuable than money.
"Thank you for seeing me, Tendo Nabiki."
"No problem, Mousse. What can I do for you today?"
"Well, actually, I was hoping you might be interested in an information exchange."
An eyebrow shot up. "Only if you have reliable information, kiddo. What've you got?"
"I'm sure that you've figured out why so many of Shampoo's sisters are here."
"Yup, you can't offer me what I've already got. Make me a better offer. What've you got?"
"Years of living in the Joketsuzoku village, getting to know all of the warriors that are now prowling the streets of Nerima, hoping to ambush Shampoo or glomp onto Ranma. I know all of their weapons styles, all of their backgrounds, all of their likes and dislikes, what color clothing was hanging on the lines outside their homes... With the help of a decent photographer, you could put together bio sheets that would have the high school fanboys drooling bucketloads."
"You have my attention."
"I'll sit down with you and answer any and all questions you have about them, to the best of my ability, if you will help me figure out how well Ranma understands Amazon Law. I understand that you have a copy of the Book of Laws here, translated into Japanese, and I need help to make sure he understands something in it."
"That's it?"
"That's it."
"He doesn't have to do anything, and you're not trying to get him to eat anything funny or convince him to stay away from Shampoo or anything? You just want to make sure he understands something... you mean, we could confirm this with a simple conversation with him?"
"Quite possibly."
"You have a deal, Mousse."
After a grueling four-hour Q&A session with me, Nabiki arranged at least two appointments, one with me for herself and the Book of Laws for the following day, and an appointment with Ranma and myself for the day after that. I went home to finish up at the restaurant and get some sleep.
My meeting with Nabiki was astoundingly productive. That woman knows how to do her research! She even had some notes about the details of the translation from Mandarin into Japanese, in a vaguely familiar handwriting which I couldn't place. It turned out that Nabiki had spent the night reading and rereading particularly obscure sections of the Book, some of which I had either forgotten or never been taught in the village. It felt strange to be taught about certain nuances of Joketsuzoku Law by an outsider, but then, this was Nabiki, a formidable woman in her own right. I guess I shouldn't have been so surprised. When I headed home, I had much to think about, and needed to decide exactly what I wanted to do with this new information.
The following afternoon, I waited at the Tendo Dojo. Nabiki had thought of everything, including Kasumi busying Akane with some grocery shopping and providing "free drinks - afternoon happy hour" coupons to the fathers at the local bar. When I arrived, I heard Kasumi working in the kitchen, but she was the only one other than Ranma and Nabiki that was home.
We met in the Dojo, seated in a triangle formation on the floor. Ranma looked cautious. "OK, Nabiki, ya got me here, now what do you want?"
"Oh, do be quiet, Ranma. Remember, I'm forgiving you two whole percent off the debt you owe me."
"OK... but what do you want?"
"Mousse here has asked that I provide him time with you to discuss Amazon Law. Since you owe me so much money anyway, you don't have much choice in the matter, Saotome. I'll leave you two here to talk, and I'll be right outside if you need a mediating presence."
Ranma was eloquent as always as Nabiki stood and left. "Huh?"
"I just want to talk with you, Saotome Ranma. I know that Nabiki sold you reading time with the Book of Law that she has, and I need to make sure that you understand something of it. Can you handle that?"
"I can handle anything, Duck-boy."
I sigh. Ranma will never leave a challenge unanswered.
"You understand that Shampoo has given you the Kiss of Marriage, yes?"
"Yeah."
"Do you understand that it means that she must track you down to the end of the earth, if necessary, and marry you? That she must either return to the village with you, or with a child of yours, or die trying?"
"Yeah, most of that, but I didn't know about the kid thing."
"The purpose of the Law is to promote the health and strength of the village. If a warrior cannot return to the village because her husband is significantly stronger than her and will not allow her to bring him back to the village, then she may wait until she has a child of his to bring back to the village instead. Then the man's bloodline is included in the next generation of Amazons. It is not as honorable a thing for a warrior to do as to bring back the man that defeated her, but it is acceptable."
"Oh."
"Do you understand that if you marry someone else instead of Shampoo, the Kiss of Marriage that she gave you means that she must then kill your wife, or die trying, and then continue in her attempts to marry you, or return to the village to face complete disgrace and the Judgment of the Council of Elders, and whatever punishment they stipulate, including death?"
Ranma sighed, and looked pointedly at me. "That's what this is about, eh, Mousse? You want to know if I figured that part out already?"
"Yes, Ranma."
"Yeah, I figured that part out."
"I see. Do you also know what the Right of Primary Claim is?"
"I didn't read the whole darn book, Duck-boy. I jus' read the important stuff."
I had thought as much... "Well, you know that the warriors that have been trying to marry you are still hanging around Nerima, right?" Ranma nodded. "Well, one of them would have to defeat Shampoo to override her Claim on you as her husband, since she currently has Primary Claim."
"Huh? You mean, 'cause she saw me first? That kind of thing?"
"Basically. Her Kiss of Marriage predates all the rest, and none of the other warriors here in Nerima that claim to have been defeated by you have ever defeated Shampoo. If they had, their Claim on you could have priority over hers."
"Ghaaaack..."
"Uh huh. You didn't know how lucky you are that Bath Salt found a husband last year. She was the last unmarried warrior in the village that has EVER defeated Shampoo, Ranma. And even though all women are beautiful, Bath Salt is the least beautiful woman I've ever seen."
Ranma shivered a little. I let him recover for a moment, and then nervously pressed on. "What are your intentions toward my darl... I mean, toward Shampoo?"
Ranma must've noticed my slip... but ignored it. "Mousse, I've told you, if I could figure out a way to give her to you, I'da done it way before now..."
"Ranma, I need to make sure I'm hearing this right, and that I'm not misunderstanding you." I push my glasses back to the top of the bridge of my nose and look him straight in the eye. "You are saying that if you found a way to choose a fiance to marry, that it would not be Shampoo, and that you're not going to choose at all because Shampoo would have to fight your wife to the death."
"Yeah, Mousse, that's what I'm saying. She's a great girl an' martial artist an' all, but I don't wanna be an Amazon's husband. You guys get treated lower 'n dirt. If I had a good way out, I'd take it."
"But your honor prevents you from throwing a fight, like the one I challenged you to back when we first arrived."
"Well, yeah... I'da thought that was obvious, Duck-boy. Ranma Saotome don't lose."
"Ranma, you may not lose a war, but you do occasionally lose a battle. That Saotome Secret Technique does get some use now and then, you know."
"Hey! Whaddaya mean by that?!"
"Calm down, Ranma. What I mean is that if you are forced to move away from an opponent, or yield to one briefly, as part of a larger plan to win, you do it. I know that you're a more powerful, better trained martial artist than I am. But you see, under Amazon Law, it's not necessarily who wins the war... individual battles matter, too."
"Uhhh... I think I get your meaning. But I'm not throwing a battle."
"I'm not asking you to, Ranma. What I am telling you is that though you are a stronger martial artist than I am, it's possible that I could win a battle with you. If that happens, and it's documented such that the Elders can't dispute it, then there's a possibility that another Law supersedes the Kiss of Marriage."
"What?! Whaddaya mean? Which law?"
"That of Tribal Identity Continuity. An Amazon male can challenge an outsider husband, or husband-to-be, and if the Amazon wins, then he can challenge the warrior for her hand in marriage. If he succeeds in that, then her marriage to the outsider is considered null and void, like it never existed, because the strength of the Tribe is centered around it's community identity."
"But I thought Amazon guys don't challenge unmarried warriors for their hand!"
"That's not completely true. The Laws applying to outsiders are much different than for Amazons. If an outsider husband is brought into the community, but he's disruptive to the village or not properly respectful of women, then either the warriors and elders can have a council and execute him, or an Amazon man can fight him for the right to challenge his wife for her hand. Amazon men can only qualify to challenge a warrior for her hand if they've beaten an outsider who had first defeated her. Otherwise, village marriages are governed by completely different rules, that have little to do with formal battle challenges and more to do with the women's personal preferences. The Continuity Law was created a very long time ago so that individual Amazon men could have a chance to make a difference in the overall temperament of the villages, to counteract outsider influence without undermining the authority of the women... Of course, the first treatment for any disruptive male is to put him completely at the mercy of the warriors and let them straighten him out... but that's another matter."
"Geez... That's complicated, but I'm sure glad I didn't grow up bein' an Amazon. Bein' on the road with Pop was bad, but guys really get the short end of the stick in your village, buddy."
"Of course. What other way would it be but the natural one?"
"Man, Mousse... you're hopeless."
"What do you mean?"
"Never mind... hey, if you manage to defeat me once, an' I'm not saying you can, ya know, but if you can manage it, then what would happen?"
"Then, Ranma, I have to defeat Shampoo in battle, or my victory over you is meaningless." I pause to let that sink in, for both of us, "If I manage to defeat her, then you are freed from the Kiss' obligation, and so is she. And all of the other Amazons who have claims on you could challenge Shampoo for me, then, if they wanted, but all of their claims on you dissolve, since Shampoo currently has Primary Claim to you."
"Whoa, man, that's amazing."
"So you didn't know THAT part already, I take it."
"Naw, man, I told ya, I didn't read the whole darned book!"
"But you understand now, right?"
"You're tellin' me that if you defeat me, just once, in a battle, and then you defeat Shampoo, as long as she has that primordial claim thingamajig, then it doesn't matter if I defeat you again later. You'd still be Shampoo's fiance or husband or whatever, and on top of all that, all the other Amazon chicks would leave me alone?"
"Pretty much, Ranma. Remember, though, if any of the warriors challenge you after Shampoo's Primary Claim is declared null and void, they might give you another Kiss of Marriage if you defeat them!"
"Oh. Right. That's a good thing to remember."
"Uh huh."
"Hey, why is the law written so that the outsider could beat the Amazon guy without havin' to marry the girl?"
"Actually, the only times it's recorded that the Continuity Law was invoked, the Amazon man killed the outsider during the battle. So the Law never required that the Amazon've victory stand indefinitely."
"Oh. But it's all legal an' all that... I mean, the Elders wouldn't decide that you had to kill me or nothin', right?"
"No, the Law has stood for at least thirteen thousand years without having to be changed, so it'd be difficult for them to justify fixing it now."
"Oh. That's good then, huh..."
"For us, yes, I think so."
There's a pause.
"Is that all ya wanted to talk about?"
"Yes, Ranma, thank you." I stand, and nod to Nabiki who is knowingly smug just outside of the door. I'm sure she has either bugged the dojo or has been able to listen through the somewhat creatively patched holes in the wall. It's a tribute to her business acumen that she was able to get me this much uninterrupted time with him. "Thanks, Nabiki."
"No problem, Mousse. Your ideas for the Amazon Warrior Biographical Collectible Card Game and minifigure tie-ins were true gems. It's a pleasure doing business with you."
"You, too. See you around?"
"Yup, just press that little red button, and my GPS equipment will page me with your location, and I'll be there with a camera crew. Oh, and if Oedipus washes ashore anywhere near Nerima Ward, one of my operatives will let you know. Do you have any idea how much money you're giving me, offering me book and movie rights on your story?"
I just smile. It's good to have a friend, even if she's a bit too capitalist for my comfort. That makes it easy to do nice things for her. She has the heart of a true business warrior, and I respect that. Why she gave a Greek codename to Ryoga, I'll probably never know, though...
-~-
Ryoga appeared a few days later, and a nondescript woman came into the Nekohanten and asked Cologne if she could have my cleaning services for the morning if she paid well. Of course, I'd see none of the money, but it got me out of the restaurant. Nabiki must have her own motives for helping me... but I'm sure I, a mere male, would never understand all of the nuances of her motivations and plans. I was just thrilled that she was helping me.
Shampoo had still managed to fend off all of the other potential Amazon brides, and retained Primary Claim to Ranma. The timing was favorable...
Outside the restaurant, the woman told me, "Oedipus has landed, and seems in high spirits. The Cyclops is in his cave, and the siren's song calls him. He's wandering around the docks now. The Cat's Cradle will be busy."
Oooookay... I guess that means that Ranma's at the Tendo home, and that Ryoga's trying to find him? And that Shampoo and Cologne will be too busy with a sudden burst of customers at the Nekohanten to hear about the fight... I go to find Ryoga at the docks and press the red button on Nabiki's little black box, which starts a little yellow light flashing on it. I conceal it in my robes and offer to lead him to the Tendo's doorstep. About halfway there, I notice a van with very dark windows following us. Ryoga is too busy ranting about his latest new technique that will defeat Ranma to notice.
When Ryoga figures out that we'd arrived, he breaks into a sprint, shouting, "RAAAANMA!! PREPARE TO DIE!" I get out of the way and watch carefully.
Their battle is joined, and moves from the Tendo yard to the street, and from there to downtown Nerima, taking out fences and light-poles along the way. I stick with them, noting where Ryoga managed to land solid hits on Ranma. His new Righteous Puma Slashing Punch technique isn't bad, actually. The van follows me.
Eventually, Ranma figures out a way to counter Ryoga's new move. He shouts something vaguely unintelligible about a Wallowing Hippo Hunker, followed by about a thousand solar plexus punches with the Chestnut Fist technique. Ryoga is knocked out cold.
Keeping up with their battle has kept me alert and ready, but I have one more thing to take care of before I try to challenge Ranma myself. Pulling a small flask of cold water from my robes, I splash Ryoga and place his clothes, umbrella and backpack in the branch of a nearby tree. Nabiki could help him find it later, as per our agreement. I don't understand why she lets that guy play at being her sister's pet; she sure does know what's up with his curse... but I have no time to think of that now.
Sayuri, with Akane in tow, has finally caught up to the end of the battle. I make sure Sayuri notices the unconscious piglet before I slip away into shadow.
"Oh, Akane, oh, no! Look! You're little pet pig was caught in the backlash from Ranma's fight!"
"Oh, P-Chan! ... RAAAAANMA! How DARE you injure INNOCENTS during your STUPID fight with Ryoga!"
It's still amazing to me, being a master of hidden weapons myself, that I cannot figure out how or where Akane stores that mallet.
Ranma, still a little dazed from his battle with Ryoga, and unlikely to dodge that mallet successfully anyway under 'normal' conditions, is an easy target.
<THWUNK>
<THWUNK>
<THWUNK>
<THWUMP>
"Uhhhnnnn...."
"Hmph. Serves you right, you JERK!"
"Uhhhnnnn...."
The mallet vanishes. Akane and Sayuri walk off, cuddling Ryoga and speaking in worried, soft tones. If Nabiki ever decides to sell copies of this video, Ryoga's life will be more hellish than ever. But I can't consider that right now.
I wait, keeping alert and limber, for Ranma to pull himself out of his crater within a crater. I check my weapons yet another time. He starts slowly searching for a walking stick to assist him in getting to Dr. Tofu's clinic, but he's got one more thing to face: me. I take a deep breath...
"Ranma, I challenge you!"
"Huh? Aw, man, Mousse, not today... between Ryoga and Akane, I've had a rotten morning, buddy."
"I know, Ranma. You've already taken some damage. But you are a martial artist, and the heir to the Saotome School of Anything Goes Martial Arts! Do you refuse my challenge, dishonoring your name and your School?"
"What!? No! Of course not!"
"Good. Then prepare yourself!"
"Aw, man... " He falls into a fighting stance, but without his usual fluid grace. He almost looks like a marionette, desperately trying to figure out which bars control which strings.
The van sits, patient and impartial, at the curb.
Our battle is joined, with one desperate cry from me and Ranma's hoarse response, as we clash in a furious flash of weapons and ki blasts.
And I fight as though everything that I have ever held dear, and ever will, depends on it. I use every trick I know, and some that I don't know but invent as I go, to gain any advantage I can find, striking points where I observed Ryoga doing damage earlier, exacerbating existing wounds. I pull out all the stops, using every technique I know.
About a half-hour later, it's over. Ranma attempts one last time to rise, and he's trying to say something about this not being over when he falls limply to one side and loses consciousness.
I have at least six fractured ribs and I'm totally exhausted, drained of energy and weapons and tricks up my sleeve. In the end, it was hand to hand combat alone, and I'm startled that I held my own, even though Ranma'd been through as much as he had by that point. But I'm able to stand, barely. I grab a nearby wheelbarrow, manage to get it upright and Ranma into it, and begin wheeling him back to the Tendo Dojo. It's fittingly convenient that our battle managed to finish destroying an already martial-artist-damaged building that has construction tools scattered about for use in it's schedule demolition.
I pause near the curb, and turn toward the van. A nondescript man, another of Nabiki's operatives, hands me a video cassette. He bows silently, gets back in the van, and it drives away, leaving a strangely subdued Nabiki standing next to me.
"Can I give you a hand getting him home, Mousse?"
I nod. I'm not sure I could get him back by myself, anyway.
"Dr. Tofu is meeting us there."
I nod again, and we each take a side of the wheelbarrow, and begin the slow walk, or in my case, limp, back to the Tendo's.
-~-
Later that night, over bowls of Kasumi's steaming hot soup, Ranma begrudgingly admits that he's still a bit sore. But he says that he'll challenge me again to prove that he can beat me. The undefeatable Ranma Saotome can't just roll over and concede lasting defeat, you know. But he'll be taking two months or so to train so that he can properly flatten me with his usual ease.
How generous of him.
With some help from Dr. Tofu, I'm able to move around, and my ribs are healing at an accelerated rate. Accupressure is an amazing thing. And even more amazingly, Dr. Tofu finished treating Ranma and I before Kasumi came near him and he started dancing with an imaginary skeleton....
And the video tape has never left my hand.
There is a knock at the door... "Oh, my, we have visitors."
Ah, time to face them...
"Why, hello, Cologne, Shampoo, how nice to see you. Would you like some of Kasumi's excellently prepared dinner?"
"Thank you, Tendo Soun, but we have come on pressing business. What's this I hear about a challenge between Son-In-Law and Mousse here?"
"Aw, man... word's spreading. I'm goin' out to the dojo to train." Ranma stiffly stands, limps to the doorway.
"Airen?"
"Leave me alone, Shampoo. I didn't win today."
Her mouth falls open with a startled gasp, as Ranma turns from her and leaves, headed for the dojo.
Cologne gives me an appraising glare. She knows that I can't hide anything from that penetrating gaze, and expects me to try anyway. Not today, I won't... There's no lie to be hidden.
I stand, obviously tired and injured but firm in my conviction, "Honorable Elder, I have challenged Shampoo's outsider husband-to-be, and won. If you require proof in addition to my word as an Amazon, here is a tape made this morning of events. Each frame is time-stamped and the film has not been altered in any way."
Shampoo turns to look at me, horror and shock warring for control of her features. Damn it, why can't she just love me instead of him...
"I invoke the Law of Tribal Identity Continuity. Shampoo's Primary Claim to Ranma now gives me the right to challenge her for her hand."
There. I've said it. Cologne seems unperturbed, as always. Matriarchs tend to be that way. Shampoo, on the other hand, is beginning to build up quite a head of steam. I wonder if she wasn't taught about that particular Law in the village, or if it's only concealed from the males...
"Mousse, how dare you use a trick to try to win my hand! There's no way you could beat Ranma! He is my betrothed, and will be my husband when we return to the Joketsuzoku! I have not been fighting off all my sisters for weeks, to be snared by a sneaky trap of yours! What on earth has gotten into you?! Stop this petty interference at once or I'll..."
Wow. I must have really made her angry; she's shouting loudly in Mandarin.
"Shampoo! Silence! The validity of this statement must be verified. Until then, no challenges for Primary Claim or Continuity rights will occur. We are returning to the Nekohanten. Mousse, you are coming with us. Now."
Uh oh... they've both stopped using Japanese. Boy, am I in for it... but the fact that she's taking my statement seriously, and obvious recognized the Law I referenced, means that she suspects that I am telling the truth, and that I may have really defeated Ranma this morning.
"Oh, dear, excuse me, but none of our family knows Mandarin but me. Would you mind if I translated for them?" Bless Kasumi! She must have been the one that helped Nabiki with that translation critique...
Cologne turns to peer at her. "Oh, silly me, how thoughtless. I'll fill them in... Until the validity of Mousse' statement is verified, no challenges for Primary Claim or Continuity rights will occur. That means that the other Amazon girls in town will be staying away from Ranma and Shampoo for at least a few days, and that no other challenges between Ranma, Mousse, or Shampoo will occur. We are returning to the Nekohanten now. There. Is everybody up to speed now?" Somehow, Elders can infuse harmless statements with the most disconcerting tones...
"Oh, my. Thank you! Have a good evening, now!"
I rise and follow Cologne and Shampoo out into the night. She doesn't even glance in my direction, but holds herself stiffly apart from me. I wish that I felt better about all of this...
-~-
We get back to the Nekohanten, and Cologne sends word out to all of the members of our tribe that are in Nerima to come to the restaurant the next morning. I quietly mention that Dr. Tofu wanted me to stop by his office in the morning to check on my injuries, and the Matriarch nodded, saying that I shouldn't be nearby during the meeting anyway. In fact, she wanted me to stay at the clinic until someone was sent to tell me to come back later in the afternoon.
I nod, "Of course, Honored Elder..."
She turns to Shampoo, who has been stewing all the way back here, and simply tells her to go to bed in a tone that cannot be denied. I've not heard her use that tone with Shampoo very often. Her jaw clenches a few times, but she keeps her mouth shut until she can control her response.
"Yes, Great-Grandmother."
I turn and walk into the kitchen. I am weakly starting the evening dishes, trying not to drop them or fall over, when I hear the tapping of that stick. I wince, anticipating a wallop across my ribs. My current position at the sink leaves me no room to try to shield them with casual unobtrusive movement, and I just know that she can tell which ones were broken this afternoon and which weren't...
I can hardly breathe, anticipating a particularly nasty application of discipline, preparing myself without giving away how much weakness and pain I'm feeling right now, trying to nonchalantly scrub at a bowl. Please strike a rib that's not broken please strike a rib that's not broken please...
"Boy."
I don't turn around, because I know if I do, she'll see the fear in my eyes and respect me even less, if that's even possible. Amazons despise weakness, and I really don't want show her mine right now... years of conditioning at the end of her stick have well instilled in me the required gut-clenching fear of reprisal, my complete acceptance of my frailties as a man, and my near-complete obedience.
"Y..yes, Honored Elder." I plunge the rag into the soapy water a little too quickly, and it splashes a bit. I grasp the plate firmly, and push the rag back and forth. See? Everything's fine... I'm just doing my chores... even though I've behaved unexpectedly today, I'm not being willful... please don't strike me... please...
"What are you doing, boy?"
"I'm washing the dishes, Honored Elder... I know that they piled up this afternoon in my absence... so... I was trying to catch up on them as soon as I got the chance..." My voice trails off. I know that it will crack and give me away if I babble any more. Babbling, actually, probably isn't doing me any favors, either...
"Stop." Her voice is cold, flat.
Oh, ancestors, help me.
Please, I beg of you, have mercy on this poor man.
Please...
I finish washing the plate, and rinse it. I wring the rag out, then hang it to dry. I rinse my hands and dry them. One thing at a time... a deep breath, and now it's time to turn around.
Dreading what I would be facing with all of my being, I turn around. My eyes are lowered, lower even than is considered proper by the most conservative members of the Council of Elders. I slowly, slowly, slowly raise my eyes until I see the base of her stick. She's not standing on the ground, ready to strike me with it?
"Boy, I need you to tell me exactly what has happened which lead to today's little catastrophe. What have you done, who have you talked with, how you decided to do what you did."
Ohhhhh, I am really in trouble. She doesn't even sound angry, she's that controlled. I've never seen her so angry that she didn't sound angry at all...
I decide to tell her everything, of course. It's not my place to disobey and order from a Matriarch. But I don't need to mention the Kuno's servant or the small black envelope of powder, as it's not directly related to today's fight with Ranma... unless she somehow knows about it and asks me. That would not be fun...
"I'm waiting, boy." She sounds a little tired. Is she really? Or is this another of her mind-games? "Start some water for tea. I'll be at the table." And she hops out of the kitchen.
I sag against the counter, trembling with relief and nervousness combined. Hot water for tea. Right. I can do that, even with sore ribs. She didn't discipline me... yet, at least. What did that mean? I collect my thoughts as the kettle begins to heat, and by the time I'm serving tea, I'm not trembling as noticeably, and I've decided where to begin my required explanation.
I serve her tea, and wait for her permission to sit and then to join her with a cup of my own. After a few sips, I take a deep breath.
"I just couldn't let things continue the way that they were any more. I decided that on the night that I stayed up late to make a special dinner for Shampoo, and I made her angry by not understanding what was happening with her sisters coming to Nerima... I know that I'm just a man, but there had to be something I could do to make a difference in the mess that we're all in..."
And the whole story, at least the directly involved parts of the story, tumbled out of my mouth.
Every now and then, the Matriarch would nod, or ask a question to get me to clarify or give her more detail of some particular part of my story. But she seemed very contemplative, and perhaps slightly fatigued, but not angry. Was it in any way possible that she was not angry with me?
I finish my recitation, and realize that my tea has cooled. I drink a few more sips to ease my dry throat, and then look back at her, my voice remarkably steady, considering... "That's what has happened. Do you have further requests of me this night, Honored Elder?"
She pause, seeming to consider, then, "I have a few questions more for you, Mousse. Was the strategy of letting Ryoga and then Akane confront Ranma before your battle your idea or Nabiki's?"
I'm honest, of course, "Mine. Nabiki gave me the tools I needed to do it, though."
"And are you beholden to her for that assistance?"
"No, Elder, as I said, we exchanged information and services. Nabiki is making money from the information I gave her, and she will have exclusive media rights to my story in exchange for her help today."
"Do you intend to challenge Shampoo for her hand?"
Oh... ancestors, please give me the strength I need to express myself without hesitation and with just the correct balance of submission and determination... "Yes, Honored Elder, I do."
"Do you intend to marry her, if you should win her hand?"
"If she will have me, Honored Elder."
"And what would you do if she rejects you?"
What? That question catches me completely off-guard. Of course, Amazons always have a choice, in all things, even when the Law is clear as day. Any time an Amazon wants to get around a rule, they can petition the Council. That petition completely strips them of their honor, their membership in the tribe, and can very easily get them exiled, tortured or killed, but they can make the petition. Apparently sometimes in the far distant past, a few petitioners even lived to tell about it, and lived to restore their honor by taking on nearly impossible tasks set out by the Council.
But I never wanted to consider that Shampoo, with her adamantine honor, might choose that option. And now, a Matriarch wanted an answer, now, to her question... what would I do if she rejected me when I had legal claim to marry her? How could I answer that question honestly if I didn't know?
"Honored Elder, I honestly didn't consider that a possibility when I planned today's challenge. I do not know what I would do. I love her, and want to be with her, to be a good husband. I want to prove my worthiness of her to her... do you think that she would reject me?"
"Frankly, boy, I don't think you can defeat her, so rejection isn't really an issue... but then, if you've defeated Son-In-Law, then you've already surprised me once today."
"..." Whoa...
"That's all, boy. Go get some sleep. I'll leave the tea setting, and the sink full of dishes, in the kitchen for you to finish tomorrow afternoon. The restaurant will not be open tomorrow at all, except for the meeting in the morning. Good night, Joketsuzoku man."
"Good night, Honored Elder."
I barely make it up to my room to fall into a dream-haunted sleep, wondering at her choice of words. She's never addressed me that way before, that I can remember...
-~-
When I wake, I hurt. All over. I manage to get up and dressed, and am headed out the door to go to the clinic when I see Shampoo. She looks rested, but haunted. She turns away from me, and I can't read her expression, especially from across the room.
The Matriarch hands me a delivery box, "Bottom bowl for yourself, top bowl for the young Doctor. Make sure you take the herb tea from the enclosed packet every few hours, Mousse, it will help your ribs heal. I'll send someone for you when we've finished here."
"Th... thank you, Honored Elder..."
"Well don't just stand there, boy, get going! We've got woman-business here, and you're not welcome!"
"Of course, Elder! I'm going now..."
I walk to the clinic in a near-stupor. What had she meant? With all of the warrior guests arriving for the meeting so early, the Matriarch had taken the time to make a special meal for me, to make an herb packet just for me, a male? What did that mean?
Dr. Tofu and I have our breakfast, and then he checks my ribs again.
"You're healing nicely, Mousse. You said that Cologne gave you a packet of herbs to take tea every few hours? Let me see what she's giving you, and I'll tailor my treatments around that."
It's somehow reassuring to have him check out the herbs... I didn't know what to expect, but part of me has a deep paranoia about being poisoned for having too much willfulness for a proper Amazon man. But she wouldn't do that without at least a Council meeting to reach consensus, would she? Maybe that's why she was being so nice to me; she was waiting to hear back word from the Council that she could carry out their Judgment...
Thinking about that was just making me feel worse. There isn't anything I could do about it now, anyway, so there's nothing to fret about, now is there? Accept, obey, and resign yourself, man, just as you've been taught.
Over the course of the day, I talked to Dr. Tofu about all sorts of things, including the fact that I was going to have to challenge Shampoo sometime in the next two months. He offered to be an impartial observer... I hadn't realized that he knew as much about Amazon ways as to understand that I would need a man with no loyalty to either Shampoo or myself, or a political faction within the tribe, to record observations of the challenge fight. It feels good to talk with another man about Joketsuzoku matters.
Now, the last thing I need to do, provided the meeting doesn't end by the warriors forming a hunt group to retrain me back into proper Amazon behavior, is to build the paralysis powder compartments into a few of my weapons. Oh, and wait for my ribs to heal while I try to get back into the best fighting shape of my life...
-~-
{ Two and a half months later... }
-~-
I lead her up the narrow staircase to her room, a bucket of cold water in one hand. She tries to pause, "Mousse?"
"Quiet! For once let me say what I need to say! Then you can ask whatever you want!"
She seems startled by my outburst. Good. That should make this a little easier.
Entering her room, I put the bucket near the bed. I go to an empty corner and start unloading weapons from my sleeves, then from deeper hiding places in my clothing. As the pile grows, her eyes seem to get a little wider, but she stays quiet until I take off my shirt.
Then she sounds angry and a little scared, "Mousse want to force Shampoo? Is what this is all about?"
I sigh. "No, Shampoo. It's been a month since our fight, and I haven't forced you to do anything you didn't want to do. Why do you think I would want to start now?"
"Great Grandmother say we leaving for China soon, husband want to have right before..."
"I don't give a damn what your great-grandmother says right now." I'm down to my blue trousers and nothing else. Well, except my glasses. I'm so hopelessly blind without the things. I move behind her, close and lock the door. I come back to the middle of the room and stand inches from her nose so that I'm sure that I'm looking into her eyes.
"Shampoo, you know how I've felt about you since we were small children. I did everything I could to make you happy, but I couldn't stay away from you, even after you left for Japan to chase after Ranma. Ranma doesn't love you. He never will, because he loves Akane. And you've had opportunities to kill her, and you didn't. Even if you had, I don't think Ranma would have let you live long. So there was no way that you and he would ever be married."
"I did the only thing possible to salvage your honor under Amazon Law. I defeated Ranma and then I defeated you in formal challenge. By the same Laws that we have lived by all of our lives, you are required to become my wife, and I your husband."
"For the past month especially, I've tried to be patient. I've tried to show you respect and to get it through to you that spending the rest of your life with me wouldn't be terrible! I've tried to show you that bringing me into your proud bloodline isn't a mistake!"
"But you and your Great-grandmother have had other ideas, and for the past month she's been trying to help you find a way to get out of your obligation to me. I respect my elders and my betters, but in this matter, I feel that you've not even given me a chance, and she's gone too far... the rest of your life should be your decision, Shampoo! Don't you see that marrying me wouldn't be so bad?! Am I so abhorrent to you?!"
I'm shaking a little, and she pulls away a bit. "Great-grandmother say a few days ago that is no honorable way out of obligation. Mousse beat future hus... Ranma in fight and so has legal Claim. Great-grandmother on your side now, Mousse." Her chin quivers a little, and then all sign of weakness is gone, replaced by the haughty lift of her chin that has haunted my dreams, waking and sleeping, for years.
I press ahead. "But you still don't want to marry me."
"Stupid Mousse never have Shampoo's heart!" implying again that I was just after her body. Damn her!
I had to be certain. "You don't think being with me will ever make you happy, do you, Shampoo?"
She pauses, and a last bright ray of hope threatens to fill me. But then, "How can be happy? Have to marry stupid Mousse!"
I turn away so she can't see my face, won't see that I'm passing the point of no return. Some choices are best made and consequences determined on one's own, without advertising their true cost.
I open the large cabinet beside her bed, and she steps forward a bit in protest. "Mousse, no mess with warrior's weapons!"
Without speaking, I reach in and pull out a familiar sword. She's the most comfortable with it of all of her bladed weapons, evidenced by the fact that she went chasing all over China with it after Ranma's girl-half and his father, following that fateful tournament and her Kiss of Death.
"Aiya..." She notices that I've lifted it by clasping my left hand around the blade, cutting my palm in the process.
"Shampoo, I was raised in Joketsuzoku, the same as you. I wouldn't insult you by handling your weapon without permission, I know better. Give me some credit, huh?"
She has the good grace to look embarrassed, I think. I'm not really close enough to her to see clearly, or my eyes are blurry with the threat of tears, I'm not sure which. I step toward her once more, and take her right hand with mine to press the hilt of the sword into it. Now I can see fairly clearly that she seems confused, but I know I can't slow down or I might lose my resolve. The past month has been so awful for both of us, and I must do what's right here and now, before things get even worse.
"Mousse?"
Silently, I gaze at her beautiful face one more time, burning her hair, her eyes, her mouth once more into my memory. Then I take my right hand up to remove my glasses, pressing them into her left hand.
She takes them slowly, or at least it seems slow to me. I can hear my every heartbeat, can see a few stray locks of her hair moving across the blur that is my view of her face.
"Mousse?" a little more insistent now.
I fall to my knees. Now only the blade still clenched in my left hand is close enough for me to focus on, and I see small rivulets of blood winding their way down the blade from my hand. I take one short, steadying breath and let it out, not looking up as I force myself to say what I need to say.
"Shampoo, you cannot retain your honor without marrying me, but being with me makes you unhappy. I could accept a challenge for my right to your hand, but then losing would mean that I would have to see you with someone else, which I just can't bear after finally earning the right to be with you. I have given you all that I am and all that I have, and it hasn't been enough. I have offered to spend the rest of my life, all that I can give for the rest of my life, and it isn't enough. You seem to only want to be free of me, of your obligation to me. My life isn't even enough to make you happy... I love you, Shampoo, so I give you the only thing that can make you happy. With me gone, you can go back to Joketsuzoku and take your place as the warrior leader."
My left hand places the blade against my neck and falls to my side.
I am hers completely, and always have been. Now there is absolutely no way for her or I to deny it. I kneel before her, weaponless, defenseless, her blade at my throat. A little surprisingly, it feels warm, perhaps from being clenched in my hand.
There are times in everyone's life when you realize that there's no turning back. That there are inescapable consequences to the choices you have made, whether you made those choices consciously or not.
This one, one of many of those times for me, probably the last.
The cuts across my left palm sting, but the pain doesn't really have any meaning for me. I feel calm, still and certain that I couldn't escape this fate, even if I wanted to. And I don't want to. This one act will at least spare her unhappiness, giving her a chance at a better life and giving our village a capable and beautiful warrior who will someday be a wise Elder, I'm sure. And I want that for her and for Joketsuzoku, with all of my heart and soul.
I close my eyes.
And wait...
Nothing happens for a very long moment.
I can hear her breathing, my breathing and the pounding of my own heartbeat. The rest of the world seems to stand still.
Finally, tentatively, she speaks. "Mousse..." Her voice seems to tremble. She starts again, "Mousse would die, so Shampoo can go back to Joketsuzoku, so Shampoo can be happy?"
How to answer that question so she can't misunderstand... "Wo ai ni." My voice holds steady, barely. I keep my eyes closed, remembering my last images of her beauty. I may be offering my death for her happiness, but I don't want to look up to see a blur of her gleeful enjoyment at killing me.
Another long moment, longer than before.
Suddenly, the blade is gone from my throat. I wait for the swish as it cuts the air, preparing myself and trying with all my strength not to flinch.
But it doesn't come.
I hear her take a deep, shaking breath, and realize that I've been holding mine. "Shampoo no want it like this."
I had wondered if it would come to this. As much as she takes pride in her warrior prowess, Shampoo has never killed anyone. And making a bloody mess in her room probably doesn't sound like a good idea to her. Not my fault; I couldn't come up with a better place or time in the Nerima craziness where we could have the time and privacy to do this. It's amazing that I was even able to manage this much... I was not going to get through this if I'd had an audience. I allow myself a sigh.
"Shampoo, if you want, I can use that water..." my voice finally fails me. I try again, "...if it would be easier for you."
She gasps, and I realize that she's pulled away from me. "What?!"
Resigned, I try to explain. "I thought it might be easier if you're just, you know, wringing.... I mean, if I was ... ah..." This was harder than I had thought. "If I was a duck?"
There's a clatter of metal on wood, then a sort of thump, and I open my eyes. Not that I can see much, but I can tell that she has slumped to the floor in front and a little to one side of me. She's making all sort of gasping, sniffling noises that I can't interpret. I've never heard them before.
I start to crawl toward her, and she says, "Mousse, you offer to die as duck so it be easier for Shampoo to kill you!? Mousse!"
It had seemed logical at the time... "Uh, yes..."
She is making more of those noises. "But Mousse... Mousse know about Jusenkyo legend, yes? ...if die in cursed form, soul not free to go afterlife... soul must... remain near spring... never free..."
I had vaguely remembered that legend, but it didn't make any difference. I respond quietly, "If the legend's true, then so be it, Shampoo. No one really knows, anyway..."
I move toward her, and realize that the small lump on the floor in front of her is in fact my glasses. I put them on, in time to see her slump forward, her hair falling over her face. I hear a few muted splats, and there are dark spots growing on the floor just in front of her. I realize that she's crying. My beautiful, spiteful, perfect Amazon goddess is crying. And it's probably somehow my fault.
"Sh... Shampoo?" Old habits don't die. Ever.
I reach out to her, expecting the usual slap or punch, regardless of our current situation, and am shocked when she just lets me hold her shoulders.
She doesn't make much noise, just lets tears the tears roll, sniffing now and then. I can feel her shoulders, no, her whole body shaking, but I don't let go, just holding onto her.
Finally, she lifts her chin a little. Somehow, she manages to look stubborn and hurt all at once. "Shampoo... no... want it... like this... no want... Mousse... to die..."
This stops my heart cold. Everything I had worked out in my mind screams that there was no possible way that she could have just said what I think that I heard. No way at all. I don't make her happy. Stupid Mousse is useless, worthless, too much of a blind bother to be worth anyone's time. She would be happier, or at least have a better chance for happiness, without me. She belongs at the head of a legion of bright beautiful warriors, leading our people into the future. She doesn't love me, and never will. Her life will be so much better once I am out of it, and this is the only way... I can't let her petition the Council; maybe that's what she means? The village needs her! "What?"
She takes a deep breath, looks me in the eye, and says, clearly this time, in spite of the tears coursing down her cheeks in rivers, "Shampoo no want Mousse to die!"
My world stands still.
She had said something of great importance. Not that she didn't want a mess in her room, but could dispatch me with ease elsewhere. Not that she didn't want to kill me... but that she didn't want me to die, by any means.
Oh, ancestors. Just when I think I've got her all figured out, she springs this on me. Please help me understand! Please show me what to do!
I look into her eyes, past the wisps of hair which have fallen across her tear-streaked face. I have no idea what I see there.
"Shampoo?"
She doesn't answer.
"Shampoo?"
She just looks at me, and I have the strangest feeling that I should be frightened by the growing force behind her gaze. She will make a fine Matriarch someday, if she ever gets the chance... but that's centuries away, and this is now, and I'm hopelessly confused.
"Shampoo?!"
"Mousse no do anything, yes? Stay right here. No go anywhere, yes?"
Huh? "Okay, Shampoo, I'll stay right here."
"I leave sword here, you no have my permission to touch, even on blade, yes, Mousse?"
Huh? "Okay, Shampoo."
And she is gone, unlocking her door and flying down the hallway and then down the stairs at a run, her hair swinging into a shiny blur behind her.
And I'm alone, in the middle of the floor of her room, wearing nothing but my trousers and my glasses and the sting of the cuts on my hand.
I stare at the sword, red streaks marring its perfect surface.
I stare at my hand, fresh red blood welling up in the center of each cut.
No matter what anyone tells you about love, it doesn't prepare you for the total dedication and submersion of your sense of self that you feel once you fall completely for another person. It doesn't prepare you for the pain you suffer if the one, the only one, you'll ever love loves one other than you. It doesn't prepare you for the incredible joy you can feel when you make your love happy, just for a moment, no matter how fleeting. Nothing can prepare you for choices you'll make to guarantee some measure of happiness for your love for the rest of her life.
No one ever tried to warn me, and if they had, I wouldn't have listened. I've loved her all my life.
And now she'd completely confused me, at the cusp of a great and willing sacrifice on my part on behalf of our people and her future happiness. What was she thinking, feeling? And what was I thinking and feeling, staring at my hand as though it had just sprung into existence an instant ago, rather than having been attached to the end of my arm my entire life?
I hear her, and her great-grandmother, coming up the stairs. What is she doing, bringing HER into this?
"You see, Great-grandmother, I told you, he is willing to sacrifice himself to free me, so I can return to Joketsuzoku, to lead the warriors! That must count for something!"
Oh. Maybe she's hoping that this will sway the Council into releasing her from her obligation to me, without sullying her honor. That's fine with me, but if she rejects me, and petitions the Council, and they don't put her back in her rightful place in our village, I will pick up that sword of hers, with or without permission, and run myself through with it.
"Well, Mousse, now you must answer my question, and you must know your answer. What would you do if Shampoo rejects you?"
Simple, pure, heart-rending, gut-wrenching agony.
After all I have done, after a lifetime living the humble, pitiful existence that is a male's lot, I have been unable to preserve her happiness or her honor.
I cannot help but answer the whole and honest truth as my world spins out of control, sending me swirling into black nausea and chaos. "If she rejects me, and petitions the Council, and they don't put her back in her rightful place in our village, I will pick up that sword of hers, with or without permission, and run myself through with it!"
"Are you certain of that?"
I stand, shaking visibly with the enormity of the situation. "Of course I'm certain! Do you want to want me do it right here and now, old woman?!?"
A former incarnation of myself would be cringeing at the very thought of shouting at a Matriarch like this, but right now, my life isn't very valuable to me, since even it can't purchase what I most desperately want. I reach blindly toward where I think the sword hilt lies.
"No, Mousse! Don't!"
Shampoo has stepped between me and the sword.
"Don't you understand that even if the Jusenkyo legend is true, the pain of death is nothing, NOTHING, compared to the pain I'll feel seeing you with someone else? Compared to the pain of seeing you dishonored, unable to take your rightful place in Joketsuzoku's future? Just let me die, Shampoo! If I can't do anything right, if you don't want me, JUST LET ME DIE!" I'm sobbing now, reaching around her for the sword which I cannot see.
"Great-grandmother!"
"Yes, child, it's sufficient. No one will doubt him now. Nabiki's recording devices are providing us with the proof we need to clear his line of the stigma, because of his actions here now."
Shampoo grabs my hands, and pulls me to her. I'm sobbing uncontrollably, wishing, hoping desperately for an end to the pain and the roiling blackness that has swallowed me whole.
"Well, Mousse, do you intend to marry my Shampoo?"
Whaa...
Shampoo lets go of one of my hands, and brings her hand to my face. She takes my glasses off, sets them aside somewhere, and wipes my tears away. Then she sniffs a little, and lets go of my other hand, placing one hand on each of my cheeks. She speaks softly...
"Woda Airen..."
And brings her lips softly against mine.
And suddenly I am holding her, and she's holding me, and Great-grandmother is laughing like a young warrior-to-be in the background and my world is spinning and spinning and spinning...
-~-
I wake up to Shampoo changing the bandage on my palm, and the sun at a totally different position in the sky. How long was I out? Was it all a dream? I can hardly dare to hope... I'm sure it's just wishful thinking...
She smiles, and seems to glow from within. "Greetings, Husband-To-Be. Are you feeling better?"
It's real It's real its real itsrealitsrealITSREALREALREAL!!!
I'm clasping her hand with my uninjured one, and she is giggling happily as I realize that I've said my thoughts aloud.
I feel such a jumble of emotions, it's hard to figure out what to say next. She, always being the warrior of the two of us, comes to my rescue.
"Wo ai ni, Mousse."
"I love you, Shampoo."
Cologne appears in the doorway. "Ramen's getting cold, kids! Come down and join us."
Join us? Who's us? And why does the Matriarch sound so young?
My obvious confusion sends Shampoo into giggles again. I haven't heard that sound in years, and she seems so happy...
"Great-grandmother poke sleep-points so you no wake up until now. Silly Mousse, all Amazon Nerima visitors are downstairs, and other friends. I help you dress and we go down have ramen, yes?"
"Yes, Shampoo. I'll go anywhere with you, anytime."
She smiles, and reaches for a clean tunic for me. When did 'stupid Mousse' turn into 'silly Mousse'?
Too much is happening too fast for me, but there's not much I can do about it. We join the crowd downstairs, arriving in the dining room to a loud chorus of congratulations in Japanese and Mandarin. I'm flabbergasted at the number of people present. I hadn't realized how very many of Shampoo's sisters were in town! And she had been holding them all at bay... what a woman! Of course, that had been over Ranma, but now she said she loved me, and her warm glow couldn't lie, could it? Of course not!
Ranma was there, at a table with Akane and Ukyo and Ryoga and Nabiki. Soun and Genma, Kasumi and Dr. Tofu were at an adjoining table. Ranma gives me a thumbs-up sign from across the room, and then shouts, "Hey, Mousse, rematch next month!"
I smile and nod. Shampoo laughs. She leads me to a special table just as the Matriarch is preparing to speak.
"Most of you know that Mousse is an Amazon, but only some of you know why it was such a hopeless cause, him wanting to marry my Great-granddaughter. First, she didn't love him. He seems to have found a way somehow to change her mind, and it may just have something to do with a broken bonbori and a puff of paralysis powder..."
Laughter, and a few "Way to go, Mousse" calls from the back of the room...
"I admit, however, that young people today require more than simple martial arts prowess to fall in love. It may have been his willingness to give himself up completely for her happiness... Why when I was a girl..." Groans from the assembled warriors...
"Heh, heh, hee... well, I just wanted to say that I'm glad my modern Great-granddaughter has found a husband with not only the skill necessary to defeat her in battle, but also to give her what the modern Amazon heart desires."
"Awww...." I blush furiously as the crowd gently teases us.
"Ahem... Secondly, Ranma had a stronger claim for the past few years. But Mousse found a way around that, too. It's been a long time since that obscure Tribal Identity Continuity clause was invoked by anyone." Murmurs of approval in Mandarin, and crystal clear gossamer laugh from Kasumi, echoed an instant later by Nabiki and Dr. Tofu.
"Lastly, but perhaps most importantly, Mousse comes from a line of Amazons who are merely tolerated by the tribes they stay with. Not many of you know why, and even as a Matriarch, it's not my place to share secrets from generations ago. Suffice it to say that one of Mousse's ancestors disgraced herself and her family so thoroughly that her line was cursed for seventeen generations, and only a mere male, the least of the line, could redeem the family and earn respite from the stigma."
This last announcement had been met by startled gasps from around the room. A seventeen-generation curse, with only the actions of a male to lift its effect? What on earth had my ancestor done? The murmurs started...
"In fact, Mousse here is the last of the line, and has been burdened with the last vengeances of the curse. If he had been unable to find a way to redeem himself and his family, the curse would have ended the line completely with him. The fact that he has found that redemption is a tribute to his spirit and his honor as an Amazon."
"I will not go into details, you young gossips! But I will tell you that the disgrace resulted from a warrior that put her own interests above that of her village and the Amazon culture as a whole. She broke our Laws, and then filed a Petition with the Council. The Petition's motivations were also completely self-centered and subverted not only the best interests of her tribe but also those who cared about her most... the petition's Judgment Requirements were even ignored. I will say nothing more."
I wonder what Laws she tried to reject? And why? Is the old disgrace why the Matriarch kept asking me to answer what I would do if Shampoo rejected me? And what Judgment Requirements were ignored, and how did one person even attempt to stand up against the formidable might of an assembled Council of Elders? So many questions...
"Among other things, the curse forced the family line to become wanderers, forever guests at the hearths of the various tribes. That ends here and now. Mousse, when you two return to Joketsuzoku, you will become a full member of our village, instead of being merely a resident. Your mother is also welcome, as is your grandfather. Your other ancestors are being added to the membership scrolls of the tribes with whom they lived, as well, so they will be remembered in the ceremonies and songs of their adoptive tribes, as well. The High Council has sent messengers to all of the tribes which contributed magical energy to the original curse stigma, and it's in the process of being lifted as I speak." She hops over to our table, and I hear the dreaded whir of her staff.
What the... ?
She's flicked my glasses off my nose, and now might or might not be balancing them on the tip of her upraised staff... I can't focus on anything further away than the tip of my eyelashes.
"Hey!"
"Great-grandmother?!"
"Bakusai Tenketsu!"
"My glasses!"
"Oh, you won't be needing them in a few moments, Son-In-Law... just wait."
"Huh?" As I finished illustrating my incoherence, an odd feeling came over me. Rather than the spinning feeling which had stayed with me all through the Matriarch's pronouncements, this was more of an impending sense that something was about to turn me inside out.
I looked at my hands, and Shampoo clasped one of mine in her own. We watched as an odd glow seemed to coalesce just outside of the surface of my skin, and then all of a sudden, it rushed into me. My vision flared in a flash of multicolored light, and up was down and left was right and in was out and out was in and oh, ancestors, what is happening!?
The glow shifted something deep within me, and began to rise out of the core of my being to hover just at the surface of my skin... it took with it all of the darkness and the fear and the wrenching churning... and it glowed with an opalescent darkness before vanishing away from me in all directions, disappearing into thin air.
After it faded, I was left peacefully, wonderingly gazing into the eyes of the woman I love, who was smiling back at me through slightly misty eyes. I looked over at Great-grandmother, and then across the room... and I could see. I could see, clearly! My vision clouded... But it was only tears of joy, and once they fell, I could look around with clarity once again. Amazing... and could at last see my beautiful Shampoo as she is, not as a bluish-purple blur or as a collection of partial in-focus images pieced together like a mosaic in my mind's eye. She was even more beautiful than my imagination had dreamed.
I guess my expression, as always, hid nothing...
"Wo ai ni, Mousse."
"I love you, Shampoo."
And the Amazon warriors, usually known for at least marginal restraint in regards to public displays of affection, went totally wild as she launched herself across the table, wrapped herself around me, and claimed me with kisses.