Well I said I’d fill you in on my sleep so here goes. I didn’t want to go to bed, it’s weird how the closer you get the less you want to do something, we had a nice evening, staring at the TV but nice not to be the only one in the house. Eventually Robbie sent me off to get sorted for bed and I did as I was told but when I was sorted I really wanted him to see me to bed like he did on Saturday, not that I knew how to ask him, so I went back to say good night and just kind of stood there until he got up and came with me. I can’t remember the last time someone cared enough about me to try and work out what I wanted and I don’t care right now if for twenty minutes he treats me like one of his kids, they were lucky to have him, I’m sure they don’t always see it that way though nobody does.
So I curled up on my side as he sat down on the bed and he put his arm around me and played with the hair on the back of my head, who would have thought that could be so restful, and sang the song he did before. I think it must be something he used when his kids were small but can’t say I’ve ever heard a lullaby sung for me before. I slept till three which is pretty good at the minute and I’m not sure what woke me up but I laid there for a minute and then I heard that song in my head and it was Robbie’s voice, which was a bit odd. I went over and over it and the next thing I knew it was nearly six and at that point I have to admit I got up and went to the living room, I didn’t want to wake up to the day on my own, I’m not sure why but I’m doing my best not to think too much about why I’m doing things just at the minute I’m trying just to let it happen.
Work was busier today; I was called to Innocents office so she could ask me to help Hooper with some literary research. When I got the call I have to say I felt sick and I didn’t know what she wanted at the time so it took me a minute to get out of the office. As I walked up the corridor towards her office and saw Hooper outside I seriously considered turning around and running away but I didn’t, I stuck my hands in my pockets to stop me chewing my thumb and headed towards them. I’ve always had trouble with Hooper, he’s never been my biggest fan but he did do a great job for me on Monday so I was hoping we’d manage to pretend nothing ever happened and just get on with things.
‘Here comes the brains of the outfit ready to save the day’ Hooper didn’t quite manage the normal face he does so well but he did as I asked on Monday to the best of his ability. The look he got from Innocent, well if looks could kill we’d be a constable down, but I couldn’t help smiling and saying ‘glad to be of service’. Everyone seemed to relax, when I didn’t run away screaming, and we worked hard all day so hopefully that’s broken the back of the awkwardness for now. It was strange to not be working with Robbie but he was completing some yearly report or something in our office and we were only down the corridor but it was still strange.
It’s nice to be home and nice to feel comfortable and I’m determined that if Robbie will put me to bed again tonight I will wake up in my own bed in the morning. This is a promise to myself and I’m writing it down here so it makes it real. That’s another role for this diary I presume, making plans for myself and promises to myself and having them there in black and white so they mean more.
I think I might just be beginning to understand why this diary thing works.
Well love I think I got away with the bedtime thing, he was here this morning but I heard him up at about three, he was shouting for a few minutes, and expected to see him here but he didn’t come then, it was much closer to morning before he came in. If he was bothered by me putting him to bed he wouldn’t have come to me in the night would he? That makes sense doesn’t it? Or did he not come earlier because he was uncomfortable? Questions questions! What do you think love? How about I’ll only go with him tonight if he comes back after getting sorted? He won’t come back if he doesn’t want me to do what I did last night will he? Anyway can’t change what has been done and it is good that he got some proper sleep.
I think my worry about James is really taking me over and I’m not altogether sure what to do about it. He went off to see Innocent and was working on something with Hooper and it was awful not having him where I could see him. That’s weird isn’t it? He’s a grown man and at some point quite soon he’s going to want his house back, he’s not going to want me on his sofa forever. I need to get hold of myself. I can’t shift the fact that I think I needed a hug more than James did tonight and that isn’t good. I’m supposed to be here for him not to make myself feel better. I’m struggling love but I don’t know what to do about it, getting it down on paper is helping a bit but I’m beginning to wonder if I should really be talking to someone about it all.
I’m going to try and stop worrying now and go and make the tea, it’s my turn to cook so it won’t be anywhere near as good as what we had last night, James is an amazing cook but I don’t think he bothers much and neither do I so we’re both probably eating better at the minute than we have for months.
Thanks for listening
Love Robbie. Xxx