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Prancing Pervert Pants-Free

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His spider sense wasn’t tingling. In fact, it hadn’t tingled all day, nor had he felt a breeze from missing costume parts. Maybe his personal nightmare had gone back to where ever he’d come from? It didn’t really matter at this point. His credibility was shot with the public. Everywhere he’d swung on patrol had been accompanied with wolf whistles, cat calls, and a few marriage proposals. Then there was the overwhelming feeling that they were down there just waiting to see him naked again.

The broadcast of Mysterio’s little play time was pretty much playing on every local station at every news slot. Oh, it had been “cleaned up” for the average viewer, but it wasn’t like they couldn’t figure out what was going on outside of the strategically blurred spots. Whatever genius had thought those useless things up should have something like this happen to them so they could see what it feels like. Just thinking about it had his face as red as his costume.

Paddled Pervert’s Penis Pawed was the screaming headline of today’s Bugle. J.J. had a field day calling for “The arrest of the flying menace known as the vigilante Spiderman”. Public Indecency they called it, like he had a choice when beings straight out of a sci-fi tv show land on his back porch and make off with his clothing. No one picked on the other heroes in the city like this.

Screw ‘em all, he was going home.

It was the Karmic Scales falling over into “the universe hates me mode” when he noticed four older teens sneaking into an alleyway headed to the rear door of a convenience store near his apartment. He thought about it for a second. They could just be going to work, right? He directed to the sky hopefully. Okay, Mr. Wang almost never had help, but he could have won the Lottery or something, right? Oh, someone up there was just laughing and laughing.

He landed on the neighboring building and silently hugged the wall.

“Look, the old man will never expect us to come in from the back,” The obvious ringleader was saying.

“Yeah, but what if he has a gun back there?”

“Well then, one of you either ends up in the hospital, dead, or my personal favorite, a quadriplegic while the rest of you go to jail for a very long time.” Spiderman injected.

It was funny how the criminals would look left and right, but even in a city filled with fire escapes they never looked up. His sigh was silent as he dropped down in front of them…

And found that he couldn’t move, or speak, and his pants were moving in a distinct southward direction. Goddamned Cosmic Hormone!

Ack! Bad lustful, glazed eyes!

No Cameras! No Phones! He was getting it tattooed as soon as he could for these non-verbal situations. All he could do was give a mental thought of legality as one of the budding morally upright citizens came up with a brilliant idea.

“Hey, Trent, I dare you to go up there and touch his dick!”

One of the independent thinkers actually started walking closer as they all laughed. It was a sad thing that Bonnie Tyler’s “I Need A Hero” started playing in his head. The sudden development of a shadow in the form of a cape surrounded him and gave him a huge feeling of relief and he watched the kids scatter screaming.

That’s right you little bastards, run! He thought darkly. Now, who did he know with a cape?

Delighted giggle? Red eyes? Crap.

“I’ve been waiting for you to come home!” His blight on normal life exclaimed with a wave of his hand.

Movement is one of those things you miss when it’s gone, and being able to pull up your frikken pants is a gift of the gods. Speaking of which, maybe the ones he knew could make this one go away? He was sure that Thor owed him a favor or two…

“Have I been gone all day?” The hero asked with exaggerated innocence. “Gee, I guess it must have been my subconscious desire for a normal, fully dressed day!”

“But you have those all the time,” He pouted. “I really think my way is more exciting for you! We’ll just have to change your name to Moon Man or something… That’s not catchy enough, is it? Don’t worry, we’ll think of something with marketing potential.”

“What the hell are you doing when I’m gone?”

“Well, the leader of the midgets in the glowing box was telling me about it.”

“Glowing, you mean the TV? They’re not miniature!”

“Hmm, well they’re always small when I pull them out.”

Spidey eyed the nearby brick wall with serious consideration. He was sure that just because the villains in the city punched him through the suckers on a regular basis was no reason not to believe that one could give him a coma that would last til this nightmare was over.

“Anyway, that’s not why I came looking for you.”

“Perish the thought.”

There was an automatic flinch as a doll was whipped out from an unknown location. “This is why!”

“Isn’t that the doll from yesterday?” the web-slinger asked cautiously.

“Goodie, you remember!”

“Not on purpose, it’s more like it’s burned indelibly on my retinas,” he muttered.

“It has a new trick.”

He pulled down the doll’s pants, and grinned in delight as Spiderman’s pants dropped at the same time. Following the direction of his pants and ignoring the “Woohoo!” he came to the realization that he’d been voodoo-ed.

“It works!”

“Why am I not surprised that you would find a way to remote control strip me?”

“Because I bring joy and excitement to your otherwise humdrum life?” The blue cowled man said cheekily. “Now, come along, you have places to be.”

“No, I have an apartment to be at. A nice safe apartment where it doesn’t matter if a deranged cosmic being can’t destroy my life any further.”

There was an ominous pause, otherwise known as the “oh shit” silence, before the doll’s arm went up, and his tagged along for the ride. A slight squeeze had web shooting to the corner of the nearby building.

“Would you like to dangle over Times Square naked before we go?”

“Not particularly.”

“Perhaps you’d care to make a wager on whether my doll’s ability will actually make sure it happens?”


“Well, what are we waiting for then? We don’t want to be late.” The red-eyed demon called as he floated to the roof.

It had to be a radioactive spider, he grumbled to himself as he went after him. Why wasn’t there a cosmic powered spider? Why did he have to be the one dealing with the lunatics that took a “personal interest” in his life? Sure, there were the other universally feared guys our there, but none of it was personal with the other super heroes out there. It was more like a coincidence that they run across them.

“Come on, we need to head out.”

“Don’t you think it would be helpful if I knew where I was going?”

“Sure, but we’re doing things my way. Just head that way and I’ll give you directions.”

“I think we’d get there faster if I followed you.” Spidey gritted out.

“But you see, there’s a burning urge to see that luminous posterior in front of me.”

“What the hell are you watching on my TV? I’m not even sure I have channels that use that language!”

“No stalling, my striking arachnid.”

“Now you’re just trying to annoy me.”

“That way. Now.”

A quick thwip and he was swinging over the busy New York streets. It was with resigned inevitability that he felt the air over his rear. He landed nearby and pulled his pants back up with a glare. Apparently that was the beginning of a new game. They spent the next twenty blocks with his pants going up and down. Spidey finally gave up and left his butt in the air as he concentrated on getting to wherever they were going as quickly as possible.

Their destination was an abandoned building in the warehouse district. At least he was able to keep his pants on after they landed.

“Okay, we’re here, what happens next?”

“You stay and I’m going.” He said before winking out.

“That’s really obnoxious!” Spiderman yelled to the empty air.

A familiar sound had him turning around. Johnny Storm was flying up as so was one of the Avenger Mini-Jets carrying Captain America.

“Hey, buddy, I’m sorry about that whole Mysterio thing yesterday.” Johnny called out.

“It seem that the villain grow more villainous with each year.”

“Dude, you did not just say that with a straight face!” The Human Torch laughed at the head of the Avengers.

“I think I have to, it’s in my contract.” Captain America said with a roguish grin.

“No offense, but I’m glad I’m already on a team where I can be the cool one then.”

“It’s not like we haven’t… helped each other out before.”

Throwing a blue-eyed wink that had the ladies all over town thinking naughty thoughts, Torch turned to Spiderman.

“So, what’s up?”

“Huh?” Oh good, he’d been hoping to sound reasonable and intelligent.

“Hey man, you called…” He got a short nod, “Us here. Your note said you had something important to show us.”

“I didn’t send you a message,” The webbed man said with a sigh. “All I know is that I can’t leave this roof until…”

Three pairs of spandex hit the ground, and three of the city’s defenders found themselves immobile.

“Um, anyone want to tell me what’s going on?” Johnny asked faintly. “I hadn’t planned on posing for Playgirl until later in my career.”

“Someone seems to be controlling us.” Cap bit out.

Spidey knew that there was a giggling mad man in another dimension holding dolls of all three of them, but had a hard time caring when one of his favorite fantasies was coming to life right in front of his eyes. He’d seen them both naked of course. He did work part time for the Avengers and there had been those times the Fantastic Four had called for an assist, but this was way different than the average locker room scene.

And a lot hotter for some reason.

His cheeks heat as he acknowledges that there’s no way he’s going to be able to hide his hard on. He peeks over at his comrades to see them staring at it. Well, crap. Was there really a way to talk yourself out a situation like this?

“Whoa! Look at that thing!” Johnny blurted.

Maybe he sounded just the slightest bit impressed?

“Are you… Enjoying this, Spiderman?” Asked Mr. All American.

That was a twitch down there! He knew it was. He had to admit, with results like this, he could kind of see what Mr. Cosmic got out of the whole “naked now” thing he had going on. If it weren’t for the fact that he was frozen in place he had the distinct feeling that his hands would be twitching. He really, really wanted to touch.

As though the thought was the trigger he needed, he took a stumbling step forward. It was like he’d just been given permission to do whatever he wanted. Actually, with what he knew that’s probably precisely what was happening.

“Sorry,” He says haltingly. “I just can’t stop. I have to…”

His knees hit the smooth rooftop and he nuzzles both of the cocks half erect in their nests. The raised material on his mask rasping ever so slightly causing a pleasurable friction on the nerve endings of the other men.

“Spiderman, I don’t know what’s going on, but you don’t have to…” Cap protests.

“I do, oh god, I do. Look at them sitting there. They’re practically begging me to.”

He wasn’t going to wait for more words telling him that he was wrong. He slid his hands under the mask and raised it half way. He ran the tip of his tongue over the flared head the Captain presented to him, and then Johnny’s. Damn, it was like there was a size requirement to be a hero in this town. He could happily say that neither of his companions would disappoint. Good thing he was a super hero. The boy in blue was still making noises, but he couldn’t even understand what was emerging.

He stopped making those noises when he was swallowed to the hilt, especially when that made the flaming boy start.

It was so good. He alternated so he could taste both of them at the same time. He loved running the tip of his tongue over that smooth spot right under the head, loved the way it made them tense and cry out. It was the desire he thought would never happen. Something kept in his head that wormed it’s way into reality. He brought a hand up to cup both of them, kneading and rubbing that sweet spot underneath.

They were getting close. He could feel the strain in their thighs and hear the needy pants. God, so hot! He wanted more. He wanted them wrapped tight and letting him know that this was what they wanted, but if this was all he got he’d take it.

It was nearly a dangerous collision when they were released. Spiderman whimpered when he felt them move fearing they would leave, but he wouldn’t stop them either. This had to be a choice they made now.

“Peter,” Someone whispered.

He looked up into two sets of worried blue eyes.

“Peter, please! Are you okay?” Johnny whispered.

“I don’t want to stop.” The needy whisper got out before he could stop it.

“Have you been drugged?” The Captain’s voice was also low and urgent.


He could feel them talking above his head, but he was afraid to see the results. He’d been forcing them, and these were two people you just didn’t force. Not even if it was pleasure. He kept his head down and waited for the judgment. When hand reached under each arm he didn’t fight. He was going to do what ever he had to do to make things right, but it wasn’t fair when he’d been so close.

“What if things don’t stop?” Torch whispered hot in his ear.

There was a body in front and a body in back. His whole body shivered with need as three hard cocks were crushed into him. A tiny moan wormed it’s way out of his throat and floated on the air. It was all the permission they needed.

He was lifted effortlessly in Cap’s strong arms his hole slowly stretched to it’s limit as he slid down. He didn’t care, he wanted to go faster. He wanted that slamming pace. He wasn’t going to rip or tear, and he had covered the pole in spit. He squirmed and tried to rock his hips down. More, more, more!

He hadn’t realized he was chanting it until Cap whispered in his ear, “You have to get Torch ready first. Look, he’s waiting for you.”

His gut tightened and his hole flexed unconsciously, making the man behind him moan hot and hard. Johnny had found a metal air duct to lean over. It was probably blazing hot, but what did that matter to a man who literally set himself on fire? He just leaned over it with his ass in the air and looked over his shoulder with every appearance of enjoying the show.

It looked like they had something in common.

“We need to move closer.” Peter demanded.

It was nice to have a lover that didn’t even blink at the demand, but just walked over to their waiting partner. Johnny just smirked and leaned over further.

“Think you’re ready, Hot Stuff?”

He just gave another smirk and leaned down spreading his cheeks wide. It was a mouth watering sight. Peter reached behind and grabbed that thick neck.

“You gonna hold me, or are you gonna give it to me like I want it?”

“I decide how we go.” The deep voice rumbled.

“Domineering, I like it.” Johnny added.

The middle man shrugged and dropped down. His hands met hips as he plunged his tongue into that waiting hole. The movement had all three men groaning as Cap was shoved in just a little further and the wicked appendage wriggled in.

“Goddamn, I don’t think I’m going to last too long,” Torch whined.

“Hold it.” Cap demanded.

Peter nodded feathering little lick around the outside.

“Steve, you don’t know what you’re asking!”

“Together or we leave you out.” The man was firm as he slid further in his own hot hole.

Spidey slid two fingers in slick and fast. No one was going to be left out. He wanted to feel the hole clenching around him as he was filled to the brim. He hit Johnny’s prostate hard making the man writhe and dance on his hand. He left his tongue dancing around the rim as he slid a third in.

“Ready, ready! I am so ready!” Torch panted.

“Good,” Cap grunted, and walked forward.

Peter barely had time to get himself position as he was literally pushed in without help, and then dropped down so that his feet hit rooftop as he was crammed to bursting with hard flesh. There were no words, no breath, to match the need that had just been met, just sensation.

Steve wasn’t done, though. The man had to be made of iron as he drew back taking Spidey with him. He set the rhythm and maintained it as he kept them in a smooth stroking motion. Broken gasps and whines fell from the mouths below as his companions tried to find the breath to ask for more.

The pace slowly gained speed as he wrapped one strong arm around Peter’s torso, guiding the pace with his hips. It was like a train gaining speed as muscles bunched and flexed. A sharp, barked command had Torch’s hand glued to the metal under his head and waiting. His obedience was rewarded as a slight change in angle had Peter rubbing over his prostate with every plunge. There was gasping and cursing as all three fought to reach the pinnacle.

Captain America proved his worth as a leader when he leaned down and ordered, “Peter, come now.”

Lightning shot down his spine and he arched to an impossible degree screaming his completion to the sky. His cry was met and joined by the other two as a chain reaction was triggered.

A flock of disgruntled birds resettled as the trio fell to the rooftop exhausted. A silly little smile graced the lips of the involuntary nudist of the group. This was quite possibly the only good thing to have come out of this whole nightmare, but it made it all worth it. He was snuggled between to men he respected and cared for a great deal, and in the aftermath of mind blowing sex.

Johnny struggled and finally managed to turn over, “Hey, good lookin’, you meet men up here all the time or are we special?” he teased.

“You are,” Peter said shyly ask he kissed the soft lips in front of him. “It feels like I’ve been waiting forever for something like this to happen, but our work is too important jeopardize if someone got offended.”

“I thought about the same thing.” Steve confessed in his post-sex voice, which was sexy enough to merit it’s own kiss.

“You mean that we could have been boinking like rabbits on Viagra all this time, but we haven’t? Okay, one of these days we are going to talk about the communication breakdown.” Johnny declared expansively.

“But not today,” Peter said hastily. “I don’t think I’ve had more than ten hours of sleep in the last week and I am beat! If I’m going to have any hope of functioning tomorrow I have to get some.”

“I thought you just did.” Torch snickered.

Cap reached over and lazily thwapped him in the head. “He did, and so did you, but apparently we have yet to find a way to shut you up.”

“And you never will!”

“I’m seeing ball gags in your future.” Peter said through a yawn.

“That would mean we have to do this again.”

“I’m *yawn* up for it.”

“No objection here.”

“Sweet,” Johnny stretched out on his back and looked at the sky content to be where he was.

Spidey noticed his pants still around his ankles. In fact, he thought with a sleepy chuckle, no one had gotten their clothes off. God, he was tired. He had to get home. Stumbling to his feet, he gave a sleepy wave to his new lovers and tugged his pants up.

Cap and Torch lay there for a while longer content to bask in the aftermath, but superheroes were always in demand. One after the other their emergency signals went off, and they had to go. Cap was first and he reached a hand down for his companion. There was slight hysteria in the laughter of both men as they realized that their pants had disappeared.

“How did Spidey describe him again?” Johnny asked.

“”Blue cowl, red eyes, and now a collection of super hero pants,” Steve answered wryly.

“Good thing neither of us relies on a web then isn’t it?” Johnny laughed as he hid his nudity in a burst of flame.

The cosmic being absently waved his hand and encased both sets in glass on his wall. He pouted and narrowed his eyes. There wasn’t time right now, but the future. Oh, the future held it’s possibilities.


Peter Parker couldn’t keep the silly grin off his face as his costume went into it’s hiding place. Score one for the Science geek! They could say what they wanted, but it nice to realize that the nerd who couldn’t get a date in High School had just nailed not one but two of the hottest guys on the planet. It seemed that Mr. Cape and Cowl had actually done him a favor for once, and if he kept this up he might just have to thank the interfering bugger before he left.

He turned and threw himself against the wall as the devil was right there! Swallowing a few times to get his heart back into his chest where it belonged he tried to force his hands and feet to release the wall. They weren’t co-operating. He had to be tired, his personal nightmare had been right behind him and his senses hadn’t even twanged!

“Did you enjoy that, because I certainly did,” Mr. Smug Satisfaction said.

Peter couldn’t stop his own grin at the memory, “I believe I did. Why, did you want a thank you?”

“The time of my on’krelva is drawing to an end.” He said sadly.

The wall crawler eyed him suspiciously. If this was true then this was going in the official scrap book as the best day ever.

“You never really explained what an on’krelva is.”

Damn his scientific curiosity!

“It is hard to find an equivalent in your terms. This is a time of growth, yet a period of rest…”

“You mean you’re a minor?” Peter yelped.

“No. It is…” He pressed his index finger against the trapped man’s forehead. “Ah, yes! This is a mid-life crisis!”

“You mean an old man is flitting around the universe getting his rocks off by making me parade through the city mostly naked! Ew!”

“I am only old by Earth standards.” He said sticking out his tongue. “”This is merely a stage between development of maturity, a time of celebration before new learning begins.”

“That’s not a mid-life crisis, that’s Spring Break!”

“The term is not important.” He insisted, waving one hand in the air dismissively. “The importance is that it will soon be over and there is one thing left to do.”

“What, shake and say good luck with an all powerful eternity?” Peter asked hopefully.

“Well,” He said with a sly smile. “One of us is going to shake.”

A gesture had the hero climbing the wall until his crotch was a little lower than eye level. He shook his head frantically as the cowl finally fell revealing a smooth, ageless face leaning into his personal space. His breath froze in his lungs as soft lips encircled the flared head of his cock.

This wasn’t terrible.

As the man worked his way down a slick, slithery feeling slid around the flesh inside. It was rubbing the right spots and flickering at the same time. He gave in to the prediction and shuddered as pleasure rocked through his body. That thing, whatever it was, was rubbing against the slit right at the top like a snake tasting the air. He slammed his head back into the wall and groaned.

Every sense was focused on the feeling wracking his body. Soft lips, wet hole, magic, little blessed cosmic being thing that was making this the best thing ever! He started a little as the thing began to worm it’s way down the inside of his cock. It was… Well, it wasn’t bad. It didn’t hurt. It just felt weird?
Like there was pressure on the outside and the inside, and they were both making their way down.

The thing inside him reached the bottom just as he felt a nose in his short and curlies. It began to vibrate. Holy fucking Christ on crutches! It was like standing on a Tesla Coil. Bolts of electric pleasure exploded through his body rocketing him to climax again and again.

His release triggered his release from the wall and he fell into the waiting arms of his benefactor. His whole body remained limp as he was gently carried over to his bed and set down. His hair was pushed off his sweaty forehead and a kiss was pressed sweetly to his lips.

“I wish that I could spend more time with you,” He was told regretfully. “But it is time for me to return to my own dimension.”

“Wait… Wha?”

“I believe I will remember you for eternity.” He smiled. “Farewell, hero of the Earth.”

He stepped back and clapped his hands once, “Majiro.

The world went dark.


It was turning out to be a bad day for Peter Parker (aka Spiderman) as he swung through the city on his regular patrol. The life of a hero was exhausting. He’d only grabbed three hours of sleep in the past few days, and it wasn’t even for a good reason. He had decided to just skip patrols today and catch up when the first irritant of the night had shown up in front of him and snatched a purse. It turned out that the guy was just thrilled to be caught by his favorite super hero and actually had to be gagged in order to shut him up.

He knew there was no end to the crime in his beloved city, but he was really tired. He had learned a long time ago that being tired and supernaturally strong didn’t mix. It looked like the other heroes were going to have to pick up the slack tonight. He was going home.

The sound of tearing fabric and a breeze in exposed areas had him landing on the nearest rooftop. Where the hell were his pants?! He searched the area looking for anything that would have been responsible, but couldn’t see anything.

Well damn, wasn’t this the perfect end to a crappy night?

Screw it, he decided. He was tired. He was cranky. He was pants-less. He was going home! Maybe he would call Aunt May in the morning and see if she was up for a visit. Home cooking was the best thing for a night like this, and he could always make new pants.

He took his web shooters, made a pair of shorts, and swung out determined to get there as soon as possible. No way was he making the morning edition of his own newspaper looking like this. Really, he could just hear the glee in Jameson’s voice with the opportunity to blast him again. What a jerk.

In a dimension never seen by human eyes a red-eyed man looks at his wall, admires the latest edition to his collection, and sighs.