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Clark: The Cliff Notes

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Clark: The Cliff Notes

by Shropshire

Disclaimer: Nobody mentioned in the scholarly little piece below even remotely belongs to me.

Rating: PG I think. Some mental licking occurs.

Summary: Clark tapes his thoughts for his future biographers.Because he's a thoughtful boy.

So, I'm an alien. From the dead planet Krypton, it turns out.

I was a little surprised when my parents mentioned it, but really, with all the pulp sci-fi rejects we get around this place, it's no wonder I didn't chalk my own little quirks up to extra-terrestrial activity. I'd actually kinda got the vague impression it was from drinking milk straight from the carton, but then my Mom...she has strong views on some things and I was an impressionable kid. Like play-dough, Lex suggested once.

But I'll get to Lex.

Being an alien means I will always be different and alone. It also means I can throw tractors with my bare hands. Other powers include x-ray vision, super hearing, super speed and never needing to buy a toaster.

Uh, so, my friends. My best friend ever -not counting Lex- since we dismantled Gi Joes together in kindergarten, is Pete. He's short. He used to complain at me for maliciously growing as he watched. I don't tease him about it, ever since he proved what a great angle he was at for shoving pencils up my nose. With extreme force I might add. In hindsight, I can understand why the pencils came out neatly sharpened, instead of impaling my brain.

Pete is the only one apart from my parents who knows my secret. He can be a little bit of a pain about that. Blah blah, burden, blah, do that cool thing with your eyes, blah, save me and my family from death by thugs, etc. But you know, I love him. Like a friend, not like Lex.

But I'll get to Lex.

And Chloe. Chloe's cool. She's funny and smart and kind of hyper like she's swallowed a bucket of sugar. She has flippy hair that's quite hypnotic sometimes, when she walks all bouncily. I used to tease her about that too but then, well. Never mind.

Kind of lucky I am an alien, really.

But the only person I'm ever telling that story to is...well, I'll get to Lex.

Chloe betrayed me a little bit, but other than that we're cool. She's helped me out a lot. She used to fancy me, which was weird, but nice, but weird. Anyway, she's probably over that now.

And, lastly (I've had more friends but they do seem to sort of...vanish. A lot) er, leastly?- one of those- Lana. Lana is like a pink mushroom cloud. She's very pretty. I'm fairly sure I like her. My brain sort of goes all foggy when she's around, so it's hard to tell.

I wish Kryptonians had a sort of in-brain windscreen wiper. With little squee-squee noises as it sluiced away the fog. SQUEE- squee, SQUEE-squee. Hmm. Cool.

Er, Lana. Her parents are dead. It's the first thing you notice about her. Meteors from my extinct planet crushed them into small, sad splashes on the earth.

I've got a little guilt thing going about that.

Oh, and my parents. My fake parents that is, not my real, mostly dead ones. Well, that is my real mom seems totally dead. I like her, she's quiet. It's my real dad who keeps talking to me, burning scars into my chest and controlling my life. He so doesn't understand me!

And he's dead, which makes it doubly unfair. At least Lex's control freak dad has the courtesy to be alive.

So, my human parents, the fake ones, are cool. They love me and hug me and, well, they called me Clark but I can forgive that. Apart from the milk thing, Mom's really great. She smiles at me and bakes me cookies. Mom calls me a bottomless pit.
She joked once -I think it was a joke- about getting me a pie funnel- she'd just pour in the pie until I said when.

Dad's great, too. He's supportive and kind and always knows just what to say. I thought it was "Dad magic" until I was 12 and saw him cribbing from this book he carries around. I only caught a glimpse of the cover, something about platypuses for all seasons? Weird. But I get a warm glow, when he advises me. Except when he turns into some callous sneer-beast about Lex.

So, about Lex.


I met Lex when he ploughed his porsche into me and drove us off a bridge. He's that kind of guy. I kissed his cold, dead lips until they were warm, alive lips- which was cool. Then Lex spewed up loads of river water -which was less cool, but oddly sexy.

Lex is bald. Very bald. So bald you want to run your tongue over every inch of his smooth, smooth silky skin. I've never, ever teased him about that. Twice bitten, thrice shy or whatever it is. He's richer than Scrooge McDuck after winning the lottery. Twice. He has the nicest, most beautiful smile of anyone I know. And he looks at me like he's the one with heat vision.

Lex is a little obsessive and weird sometimes, but he's also kind and smart and the things he can do with his mouth...Excuse me.

(Tape pauses)

Okay. Lex is in love with me and I'm in love with Lex but I worry about him. Everyone he loves tries to kill him, or leaves him or drugs, commits and brain-fries him.

Which makes me a little worried about me, too. And what if he sort of sees the pattern and decides to get in first, so to speak?

And then there's that compulsive lying thing we do. But love will get us through. And lust too. Mmm.

...I have to get to Lex.

(tape ends)