*C'est La Vie *
Disclaimers: I do not profit in any way from my obsession with Smallville.
Ratings Note: NC-17
Summary: AU "'C'est la vie,' say the old folks, 'it goes to show you never can tell.'" - Chuck Berry
Acknowledgements: Wow. This insanity would never have been written if not for the hand-holding and giggly encouragement of: Stone Princess, velvetglove, nerodi and timian.
Thanks to velvetglove for beta and fabrisse for audiencing. As you can tell, based on how many people got a sneak preview of this, I was more than a little insecure about this piece. I don't usually do humor. Any lingering mistakes, etc, are mine and mine alone.
The muses would like to thank the following musical inspiration:
Pulp Fiction Soundtrack -- Never Can Tell ~ Chuck Berry
Tori Amos, To Venus And Back
Madonna, The Immaculate Collection
Feedback: Grovels. Good or bad, I'll take it! And may I add, pretty please? firstname.lastname@example.org
The first time Clark turned into a woman, he was eighteen. He never saw it coming. But, really, who would?
He stood in the shower with his hand around his cock, hoping he could get off before his mother started harassing him about being late again. He pumped and stroked and twisted, biting down on his lip.
He'd just recently realized that all those funny feelings he'd had in his tummy ever since he'd met Lex probably meant something after all, and he'd been experimenting with Lex-fantasies for the past several mornings--just to see if they worked.
So far, they seemed to work better than Lana-fantasies and even a little better than Chloe-fantasies. Chloe really had amazing breasts. But--Lex.
The flash of his smile and the cut of his stride, the pale skin pearlescent against purple sweaters that emphasized his long neck and Clark could lick there and maybe Lex would moan or take his sweater off so that Clark could run his fingers down his chest, over his abs, down to his pants...no, no pants. He would be naked, completely bare in the way only Lex could be bare, and Clark would drop to his knees and open his mouth to suck...
"God!" He whispered furtively as he trembled and watched his come swirl with the water and wash down the drain.
It took it awhile for him to really notice. Over several weeks his appearance started to change. At first he thought it was just his imagination, but then other people started commenting on it.
"Clark? Have you lost weight?" Chloe asked. Her eyes were worried as she took a bite of her sandwich.
Pete nodded. "Yeah, man, you're looking kinda thin lately. Thin and a little girly. Are you going through reverse puberty?"
Clark groaned. "Give me a break, Pete."
But his heart fluttered in his chest.
The cafeteria bustled around them and someone yelled as an open carton of milk was hurled into the air. Clark gathered more potatoes onto his fork and noticed that his hands did look smaller. Smaller and thinner and--girlier.
He gasped and dropped his fork, hiding his hands under the table. He met Pete's eyes in a panic.
Pete, glancing at Chloe, cleared his throat and said, "Hey, Clark, didn't you say you left your Chem book in my car?"
Clark nodded. The cafeteria was really crowded. He felt like everyone's eyes were on him and he was terrified that at any moment he would break out into some alien freak show.
"We should get it now, before next period. See you, Chloe." Pete sounded a little too eager to get away, but Chloe waved absently, her attention diverted by the intriguing argument at the next table about stolen test scores, cheerleaders and entitlement.
As Clark stood up, he noticed that his pants felt--different. He followed Pete's path across the cafeteria and into the hallway, his panic growing exponentially with each step.
At the first bathroom, he ducked inside, pulling Pete along with him. Pete stared at Clark, swallowing convulsively.
"Don't freak out, Clark. Just don't freak, man."
Clark slammed the door to the stall. His hands shook as he tried to get his pants off and the once easy maneuver was nearly impossible. Finally he got the button undone and the zipper down. He hesitated. If he didn't look--
He pushed his pants and boxers down around his thighs. His heart stopped.
Sure, it had seemed smaller lately, but--
Clark pulled his pants up and nearly tripped over his shoes as he rushed past Pete. He needed to get home. He was suffocating in the closed air of the school. He thrust open the doors leading to the parking lot and took huge gulping breaths.
"Clark? Man? Is this some new alien thing?"
Clark turned and threw up in the bushes.
Clark lay in his bed staring up at the ceiling. Martha sat next to him on the bed, slowly stroking a hand over his forehead while she spoke into the cordless phone.
"I'm sorry, Lex, but he's just not up to it." She paused to kiss Clark's cheek quietly. He just stared at the spot on the ceiling. "Yes, he's still sick. Oh, no, Lex. That's quite all right. The doctor thinks it's mono. I'm sure you've had that before. It can really wipe a person out."
She touched his hair softly and murmured, "Of course I'll let him know you called."
She touched the off button and double checked to make sure it was really disconnected before saying, "Clark, honey--" She paused and then continued in a stronger voice. "It's been over a month. The AI told you that this was not going to reverse itself unless you--mated--and reproduced, right?"
Clark nodded, turning his head to look at his computer. He'd rigged it so that he could interact with the spaceship's computer from his desk about a year ago. It was safer since it necessitated fewer trips into the storm cellar. Besides, no one was ever in his room, anyway.
His voice was hollow as he added, "And produce viable offspring."
"Well, baby, you're eighteen and--"
Clark nodded slowly, "I know."
"--besides we don't even know if you can reproduce with humans."
Clark nodded, whispered, "The AI says I can." He shrugged. "Doesn't matter, though."
Martha tenderly pushed hair off of his face. He hadn't trimmed it in a long time. It was...pretty. Martha realized that, on some level, Clark was already preparing to play his part.
She hesitated for a moment but finally asked, "Clark, you never told us what the AI said about why this happened?"
Clark blushed. His beautiful face twisted and his new alto voice replied, "It said I'd chosen to mate with a male, despite the fact that I've never 'mated' with anyone, and that I had been, quote, programmed to biologically respond to the emotional and sexual stimulus of my choice, end quote."
Martha sighed and nodded wearily. "Lex."
Clark rolled over and buried his face in the pillow.
"Class, I'd like all of you to meet Clare Clark. She is joining us in the middle of the semester from her hometown of Starstripes, Idaho."
The teacher paused as the class chorused, "Hi, Clare."
"Clare is Clark Kent's cousin. She'll be staying here with the Kents while Clark is helping out her folks on their farm in Idaho. Welcome, Clare."
Clark smiled tightly, feeling all their eyes on him. He glanced over at Pete who mouthed, "It's okay, man."
It was as far from okay as things could get.
Clark sat down and groaned as one side of his panties slipped up his crack again. He didn't know how girls could stand these things. Wispy, totally pointless and he spent half of the time trying to dig them out of his ass.
He looked in disgust at the tight shirt clinging to his breasts and the skirt that brushed his ankles. The skirt wasn't too bad, really. Kind of nice and breezy. But everything else sucked--the bra, the shoes, the panties, the body--especially the body. The body was hideous.
Although judging by the way every guy in class was sneaking a glance at his tits, they didn't seem to agree with him.
Lex didn't seem to agree with him either.
His eyes traveled over Clark's new body a million times in the first hour after they 'met' at the Talon. It was like it had been when he'd first met Lex, before Lex stopped looking at him like he wanted to eat him alive and started looking at him like he was a little in love.
Lana introduced them.
"Lex! I'm glad you're here. I'm sure you've heard about Clare, Clark's cousin? Well, she's here to finish out the school year while Clark helps out her parents on their farm in Idaho."
Lex nodded and made pleasant conversation for much longer than normal. Lana started to lift her eyebrows at Clark as though to imply that Lex was coming onto him.
Lex finally smirked and said, "I'll tell you what--since my best friend abandoned me to help out your parents, I hold you and your family responsible for my subsequent loneliness."
Clark giggled. Oh, God. He hated when he did that, all high-pitched and girly.
"So, I'm going to depend on you to keep me entertained, all right?" Lex's voice was so low, so slinky, that Clark wanted to climb into his lap and entertain him right then and there. His panties grew incredibly moist at the idea.
"Sure. Of course."
Lex smiled slowly and said, "Then I'll see you around the mansion?"
Clark nodded, his longish hair flopping into his eyes. He pushed his hair away and watched Lex's retreating back, hips swaying and generally driving Clark insane with each step.
Not that Clark wasn't already insane. It was hard to go from being a boy to being a girl without losing your mind just a little bit.
The first time Clark had sex with a girl, he was still a girl himself. It was a total shock. But isn't it always?
Chloe smelled good.
They were working late at the Torch and Clark leaned over her shoulder to grab the freshly-printed school social calendar he'd just typed up. She smelled like something familiar and Clark leaned in close to her neck to smell it again.
Chloe turned her head at that moment and froze. Their lips were mere inches apart. Clark gasped into her mouth, surprised when Chloe's lips closed on his. He fell to his knees and swiveled her chair around to face him, kissing her back.
She tasted good, too.
His panties dampened and he whimpered in a disturbingly high voice when she pulled away.
"Oh, God, Clare! I'm--I'm sorry. I've never--" Chloe was scarlet. "I've never kissed another girl before. I don't know why--you--there's something--I--"
Clark stared at her. His lips tingled. His mind whispered something about choosing a mate and biological programming. It wasn't fair to Chloe, but he could reverse this. It could work.
He murmured, "Kiss me again."
Chloe's head between his legs and, God, it felt so good. Her tongue teasing his clit, her fingers buried in his pussy, and just taking some sweet time to make him feel it.
Chloe must've had someone do this to her before because she seemed to know what she was doing. Clark knew she'd slept with a couple of guys. He thought about some guy between Chloe's legs, licking her there like this, like Lex would lick--hard and fast and sure. He bucked up into Chloe's mouth and tangled his hands in her hair. Lex wouldn't have hair. He'd be smooth under his hands, smooth and silky.
Lex would smell good, too.
Clark could imagine it so clearly. The leather of Lex's couch making squeaking sounds under his ass as he writhed against Lex's tongue. Lex would do what Chloe was doing right now. He'd suck Clark's clit into his mouth and then look up at him, heat burning in his eyes--
"Fuck!" Clark whimpered as the weird female orgasm broke inside of him, waves and pulses of tingling goodness pressing out from his core to his skin, ending in a full body shudder.
Chloe's tongue lapped at his entrance gathering his wetness onto her tongue. She climbed up into his lap, fondling his breasts as she kissed him.
She still smelled good.
But Lex would smell better.
The next day was really awkward. Chloe smiled at him in the hallway and gave him little touches. What had he heard about lesbians? They rent a U-Haul for the second date? Something like that.
Chloe was acting like they were--girlfriends. And Clark had to admit that she had good reason to believe that. They'd touched each other, sucked each other and done lots of wet and dripping things in the office of the Torch and, while it had felt really good, he was in love with Lex and it was all a big mistake.
And being with Chloe obviously wasn't going to change him into a man again, either.
Why did he always screw things up with her?
"Uh, Chloe. We need to talk."
Chloe's face fell and he felt like the biggest heel in the entire world.
"If you're about to ask my advice on make-up products, Clare, you've got the wrong girl."
Clark winced. "Actually, I don't wear make-up. I wanted to talk about, you know, yesterday."
"Okay, um, why don't we go to the Torch, some place private."
"Yeah. That would be best."
He followed Chloe down the hall and into the Torch office. She calmly shut the door and then whirled around to face him.
"Listen, Clare, if you tell me that you aren't interested in me because there is someone else...I swear to God..." Chloe's voice trailed off as tears ran down her cheeks and she struggled to get herself under control.
Clark reached out to comfort her but knew that it was no good so he let his hand drop into his lap. He looked at the slender fingers resting on his blue skirt--girl's hands. He'd never get used to it.
"Chloe, I'm sorry. It was a mistake. I've never and--well, you and--" Clark stumbled along.
"I guess 'screw-Chloe-over' runs in the genes."
"Hey! You broke it off with m--him."
Chloe looked up. "He told you about me? And how I felt about him? And you still...?"
Clark blushed scarlet. "I'm sorry."
"That was private. Between us, between just me and Clark."
Clark frowned. "Are you telling me you didn't tell Lana about it? Making m--him--out to be the bad guy?"
Chloe walked over to the stack of files on her desk and shuffled through some papers. She finally looked up again, eyes still wet. "Just tell me the other person isn't Lana Lang, okay? Because she's so straight she'd break if you tried to bend her."
"It isn't Lana."
"Well, at least that is one way you don't resemble Clark."
"Go. Okay? I'm not able to deal with this. I was willing to take a risk for you. I thought there was a spark. Something special." She glared at him angrily, "But I guess I was just another experiment for another Clark."
Clark didn't want to argue with her any more despite the fact that he felt his masculine alter-ego was being defamed. She was hurt and she had a right to be. He'd used her.
His hand was on the door when she called out a parting shot.
"Oh, and thanks for bending my straight. It'll come in handy in college."
He left and cringed when he heard something hard hit the wall in the office behind him.
Girls were so emotional. He hated being a girl.
The first time Clark had sex with Lex, he was still a girl and Lex didn't know. He was in love and desperate to get his old body back. But, again, who wouldn't be?
"Do you need me to get a permission slip from my parents before you can fuck me, Lex?"
Lex looked up from his computer surprised. Clare stood in the doorway, one hip cocked and her chin tilted defiantly. He bit back his shock and managed to say sardonically, "Yes and a complete medical history, blood and urine and your first born child."
Clare arched an eyebrow in a way that was disturbingly like Clark. Lex felt a rush of blood go south.
"The first born child is a given. The others? Are they really necessary?" Clare's voice dropped to a sexy timbre and she strode across the room confidently.
Lex swallowed and tried to ignore how much her green eyes looked like Clark's.
Clark, who hadn't emailed in weeks. Clark, who'd left without even a phone call. Clark, who wasn't here dropping to his knees and unbuckling Lex's belt.
And, really, Lex did like Clare, she was beautiful and her tongue was really fucking strong. God. And her mouth was huge and wet and, so fucking good, how she looked up at him and he could pretend it was Clark. Just for a second. Just a little more.
"Don't stop." Lex ordered as she pulled off. Clare's eyebrows did a little scrunchy thing that made Lex's insides quiver. God. So like Clark and she was going to--
Hitch up her skirt, pull off her panties and climb into his chair.
"Let's skip to the good stuff this time; I've wanted to do this since I first saw you."
Lex groaned as her strong hand guided his cock into her pussy. Oh, tight and warm and slick.
"Jesus, you're so wet for me."
She tossed her head back as she sank onto him and she whispered, "Oh, God, I didn't know."
She righted her head and looked into Lex's eyes, her own wide and shocked. "You're so big. I feel so full."
Lex trembled as her lips found his, kissing him deeply and he lost himself in the sweet rhythm, the pitch and pull between them.
Clare pulled back breathless. "Been thinking of this all day at school."
Lex closed his eyes. He didn't hear the word 'school', he didn't. He just felt Clare lifting up, and sliding down, up and down. His head fell back and his lips opened. What kind of spell was he under to do this? He felt powerless to tell her no, to deny her anything at all. She was as entrancing as Clark.
Clark, who wouldn't be this wet, wouldn't be this slick. Clark, whose cock would jut up between them as he rode Lex.
She was riding him too fast; he couldn't hang on. Friction, leading to thrusting up, leading to grinding down, leading to biting his lip as he pushed up hard and--
Clark, who stared into his eyes as he came. Clark, who touched his face as he shuddered, spurted his load and called Clark's name.
Clark, who whispered, "I love you. I'm sorry. I had to do this."
Lex's voice was a mere croak when he asked, "Clark?"
"Yeah. It's me."
Lex's cock was shrinking inside of him and Clark could feel semen slipping out, oozing down his thighs and onto Lex's pants. His clit was throbbing painfully. He hadn't gotten off. Stupid elusive female orgasm.
Lex licked his lips, confusion and fear warring on his face. "How? What happened to you?" Lex took a deep breath and pressed on, the expression on his face changed to fascination. "You're a girl. A sex change? No. Not that."
Clark placed his hand over Lex's mouth and shifted soggily on Lex's lap. "Please. Don't be mad. I always wanted to tell you."
Lex's eyes were wide and he licked the inside of Clark's palm, trying to get Clark to move his hand away. Instead it just caused Clark to groan and lick his lips. Lex's cock, semi-hard inside of him, grew slightly harder. Clark rhythmically flexed his vaginal muscles around it.
"Lex, how do you feel about the fact that your cock is currently being massaged by an alien vagina?"
Lex's cock went instantly rigid inside of him. He bit Clark's hand and when Clark moved it away he gasped, "I knew it. I knew you were an alien. I had all the pieces, I just needed proof."
Clark began to glide up and down Lex's cock again as he murmured, "Well, here's your proof. I'm an alien. You're fucking an alien right now, Lex."
Lex groaned and thrust up.
Clark leaned over and whispered in his ear as Lex continued to fuck him. "I'm biologically programmed to mate with the stimulus of my choice. I chose you."
Lex whimpered and his fingernails dug at Clark's skin.
"I'm impermeable, impenetrable and probably immortal. I'm really strong and can set things on fire with my eyes. And I have to have your baby to ever be a man again."
Clark didn't know why but his last statement made Lex shudder through another orgasm way too fast on the heels of the last one. Lex whimpered as his cock jerked inside of Clark.
Clark stopped riding him, gasping, "Make me come, Lex. I need to come."
Lex slid his hand beneath Clark's skirt. He flattened his hand against Clark's pubic hair and used his thumb to rub strong, even strokes over Clark's clit.
"Keep talking to me, Clark. Keep telling me about yourself."
"I came down in the meteor shower. You hit me with your--oh God--Porsche. This change started when I realized that I'm in love with you. When I started--Lex, so good, so good."
"When I started jerking off thinking about you." Clark was panting now. "Don't stop, don't stop. Please, Lex. God. I miss my cock."
Clark whimpered and then stiffened. "Lex!"
Lex grinned slowly as Clark's inner muscles clutched and fluttered. Clark thought he should be more frightened by that look. But he wasn't.
It was better than Lex could have dreamed. It was like being handed the fucking world on a silver platter.
The more Lex thought about it over the next few days, in between getting sucked by Clark, fucking Clark, kissing Clark and eating Clark out, (which Clark loved), the more he thought it was the best thing that could have ever happened to anyone on this planet at any point in history.
He had a super-strong, super-smart alien being who trusted him, loved him, wanted to bear his half-human children...and would presumably become the boy Lex had fallen in love with as soon as said children were born.
He'd been against the reproduction, citing his father as his sole example of parenting and pointing out that super-strong, half-alien children deserved better than that. But Clark had talked him into it by reminding him that Clark was going to reproduce with someone and if there were going to be super-strong, half-alien kids out there, shouldn't they be Lex's? Did he want one of his competitors to end up with that kind of asset? Lex had considered it a good argument for Clark's side and it was buoyed by his insane jealousy at the thought of Clark having sex with anyone but him.
Although, Clark didn't know that Lex had capitulated. Why tell him when Clark was doing such inventive things to persuade him?
Besides, Clark had to know anyway. After all Lex was fucking him two or three times a day without a condom. Clark was insatiable. He'd assured Lex that his sex drive would return to a more normal status quo when he was back to being a boy.
Not that Lex minded. It was amazing and fucking hot to know that his cock was entering every orifice of an extraterrestrial on a regular basis and that the extraterrestrial was not above begging him for it if the wait had been too long.
Lex stroked Clark's hair as he sucked Lex's balls and murmured, "Do you think you can make me come just by doing that?"
Clark hummed his assent and Lex sat back in his chair, spread his legs wide and gave in to sexual addiction.
Martha knew what Clark was doing. She saw the way he almost limped back into the house like he couldn't stand to rub his legs together. If Clark was feeling the effects of too much sex, she was shocked that Lex wasn't in a hospital.
Martha sat on Clark's bed and waited for him to return to from the shower. When he stepped into the room wrapped in a towel, he blushed from the tops of his breasts to the tip of his head.
"Clark Jerome Kent."
Clark rolled his eyes and sighed dramatically. "I love him, Mom."
"I know you do, baby. But what you're doing is wrong. Tricking him into getting you pregnant? That's wrong Clark; that's very wrong."
Clark turned his back to her and lifted sweatpants and an old t-shirt out of the drawer. Martha averted her eyes but saw the way his breasts bobbed as he put the shirt on. Dressed, he turned back to her.
Martha stared at him. Flushed from the shower, he was stunning; no wonder Lex wanted to sleep with him.
But Lex didn't know that the beautiful, young, blooming girl that he was having sex with was deliberately trying to get Lex to impregnate him, nor did he know that the girl was really a boy, nor did he know that the boy was really an alien. It was deception that was wrong in so many ways that Martha's heart ached with it.
"If you love him, Clark, you'll understand that he deserves better than that."
"If you knew me at all, you'd never suggest that I'd even do such a thing." Clark's eyes filled with tears. "Damn, stupid girl hormones, making me cry all the time."
"If you aren't having sex with Lex, Clark, then what, exactly, are you doing?"
"I didn't say I wasn't having sex with him. I just said I wasn't tricking him. He knows what I'm doing." Clark looked up at her, his eyes still shiny. "He knows what I am."
"Don't, Mom! I'm eighteen years old and he loves me and I love him and--God, I sound like I'm on a soap opera."
Martha's lips pursed as she leaned over and pulled Clark into her arms. He was so thin, his arms so tiny now, his long hair in her face and the strange breasts bumping into her own. She wanted her little boy back.
"What does Lex say about the two of you--making a baby?"
"He says I'm too young, that we should wait, that there has to be another way..." Clark recited morosely.
"There does have to be another way, Clark."
Clark pulled away from her, looked into her eyes and spoke low and fiercely, "There is no other way, Mom. Get used to it. You're going to have a grandchild."
The first time Clark got pregnant, he marked the day of conception on his calendar and cried. Stupid girl hormones.
Lex looked up as Clare--Clark--entered the his office. She--he was eating a chocolate bar and his eyes looked a little puffy.
"Clark? Is there a problem? You look like you've been--" sparing a thought for Clark's pride, he paused. "--upset."
Clark flung himself down on the couch, his legs sprawling a little too far apart to be ladylike. His skirt rode up, exposing silky skin and sexy knees. His slim fingers brushed the long hair off his face and his tight shirt emphasized his breasts in just the right way to get Lex's cock's attention. Damn Clark for being so distracting wearing any gender.
"It didn't work, Lex." Clark's voice was sorrowful and he bit into his chocolate bar with resignation. "We're going to have to try again."
Lex stood up from his desk and walked over to Clark, dropping down to a crouch in front of him. He tried to keep his eyes from straying to Clark's breasts as he said, "What didn't work?"
"I've got my period, Lex. I'm not pregnant. It didn't work!" Clark's head bowed down and he whispered pitifully, "I'm going to be trapped in this body for another month and if it doesn't work next month then the month after that." He looked up, eyes full of tears. "What if it never works, Lex?"
"Clark, that's just the hormones talking. It'll work. I promise." Lex laid his hand on Clark's knee.
"You have to get tested. You have to get your sperm looked at. Maybe it's you." Clark's eyes went wide. "Oh, God, what if it's you and I have to fuck someone else to get pregnant?"
"Clark, it's just been one month and if it turns out there is a problem with...me, then you won't have to have sex with someone else; we can try artificial insemination."
Clark blinked back tears. "I already thought of that; it's too expensive."
Clark nodded. "Right. Okay. Not an issue."
"What can I do to make you feel better?"
Clark wiped at his face and said, "Make me hot chocolate, put me in your bed and read some of your stupid comics to me and call me your Alien Overlord from now on."
Two weeks later, Lex pulled back from a kiss and grabbed a pillow from the head of the bed. He lifted Clark's hips, sliding it underneath and kneeled between his splayed legs.
"What are you doing, Lex?"
"Getting ready to impregnate you, Alien Overlord." Lex sounded determined and the look of focus on his face made Clark giggle.
"What finally sold you on the idea?"
Lex ran his palms down the insides of Clark's legs, hooking under his knees and hitching his legs up. "I want my Clark back."
"I am your Clark."
"Don't get me wrong, I could grow to love you this way. You're beautiful. But..." Lex paused and smiled wryly. "I've wanted you to fuck me since the first moment I saw you--and it just wouldn't be the same with a strap-on."
Clark grinned. "I want to fuck you. I want my cock back and I want to fuck you senseless."
Lex nodded, lined his dick up with Clark's wet entrance and slid in.
Clark whimpered, "That's my favorite part."
Lex pulled back until just the head of his cock was still in Clark's pussy.
Clark sighed, "No, that's my favorite part."
Lex thrust back in and Clark bucked up. "Fuck it. That's my favorite part."
"Clark, you just like to be fucked."
"I do, Lex. I really do."
The pregnancy itself was weird for Clark. He had to drop out of high school and get a GED. Lex promised him that he could still go to any college in the country--that, Lex would make sure of it.
Of course, Clark was just going to go to MetU, anyway, so it didn't really matter. He and the baby would live with Lex in the penthouse with a nanny and then on the weekends he'd bring the baby home to his mom.
Clark was scared shitless.
Lex was busy with the spin story. He worked tirelessly with his publicist to create something believable for public consumption.
And the story, as absurd as it was, would go like this:
Clark had left Smallville to get away from the taunts of homophobic classmates who had discovered his relationship with Lex. Clare, Clark's cousin, discovering that Clark and Lex were going to 'wed' the following summer, offered her services as a surrogate mother. Clare, with the encouragement of her own and Clark's family, had submitted to artificial insemination and the new Luthor heir was due in October.
Clark was glad Lionel had died last year. He'd have seen through that bunch of bullshit in a heartbeat. And, really, anyone with half a brain would, but Lex was confident and Clark had faith.
Besides, he had his own problems to worry about with bloating and swelling and fear of miscarriage. But worst of all, the realization that he'd been desperate when he convinced Lex to impregnate him and he didn't want a baby any more than he knew what to do with one.
He had to wear maternity dresses now and he actually liked them better than the form-fitting things he'd worn when he wasn't swollen like a watermelon. They were airy and light, easy to get off when Lex wanted him naked.
Somewhere in the six month, Lex became fascinated with Clark's stomach. He would stare at it, stroke it and talk to it. Clark didn't mind. It was good to see that Lex actually wanted the baby. At least Lex was doing better on that front than Clark. His lack of affection for the lump moving around inside of him was starting to frighten him.
Actually, he was utterly and completely terrified.
One late afternoon, sitting on the porch drinking lemonade, in the hot August sun Clark fell in love with his unborn child. He'd taken to idly x-raying himself to see what the critter was up to. Sometimes it would be sucking its thumb, other times it would have wrangled a toe up to its mouth. It was really quite flexible. Like Lex.
And that was the trigger. He peered into himself and realized that this was Lex's baby. Lex's baby. An extension of Lex and, therefore, loved. Wholly, amazingly, heart-stoppingly loved. He didn't know what had taken so long.
Tears were still running down his cheeks when Lex pulled up. He tried to bat them away; it still embarrassed him that he cried all the damn time. Lex sat down next to him, wrapped an arm around his neck and kissed his lips, hand drifting over his belly and breasts.
"You are a beautiful woman, Clark."
Clark sniffled. "Thanks. I want my cock back."
Lex chuckled. "Me, too."
Lex was running his hand through Clark's long hair, wrapping the cords of black over the backs of his fingers.
"I just realized that I love the baby."
Lex turned to him, looked deep into his eyes and said, "Clark, I completely believe in us. I completely believe in the baby and we are going to be a great family."
Clark had faith.
The first time Clark gave birth, he told Lex to hire every single goddamn scientist in the world to figure out how to keep this from ever happening again. Hell, wouldn't you?
"Slice me up. Do experiments on me. I don't care. I. Just. Can't. Do. This."
"Clark, you've never experienced pain before, it just seems like you can't do it right now. Human women do it every day and you are hundreds of times stronger than they are."
"Lex--don't tell me about pain. Don't fucking tell me about human women--"
"Clark, you need to calm down. Remember what the nurse said about tension making the pain worse?"
Clark thrashed his head against the pillow as another contraction hit. "I want pain killers, Lex. Please."
"Baby, I'd get them for you, but you know we can't get a needle through your skin."
Clark's long hair was stringy with sweat across his face. "Kill me then."
"Yes you can, you know how. Get the damn rocks. Do it!"
"You're my Alien Overlord and that would be a crime against your person. I'd probably be taken to an alien tribunal and hung for my treason." Lex spoke soberly.
Clark's eyes were wide. "You are so fucking fucked up."
The nurse he'd hired showed up behind him.
"She's a feisty one, Mr. Luthor."
Clark glared at her.
"Home births usually progress more quickly than hospital births. If you can convince Ms. Clark to walk some more, this might be over soon."
Clark heaved himself up off of the floor and began to pace.
It was only at the end that Clark really lost it. The pressure bearing down, feeling ripped open and raw and Lex's hands nearly broken from being gripped, Clark finally screamed, "I want my mom! Get my momma! Now!"
Lex moved to find Martha but Clark wouldn't let go of him.
"Don't leave me. Don't leave me!"
"I'm not going anywhere, baby. I'm here," Lex whispered soothingly in his ear.
Clark never knew who got his mother, but somehow she was there and Lex was there and there was screaming and pain and then more screaming--from a wet, red-haired baby girl.
The first time Clark had sex with Lex as a male, he fucked Lex long and hard. But, again, it must be asked, who wouldn't?
Lex was already naked in the bed and Clark noticed the oil sitting on the bedside table.
"In a hurry, Lex?"
Lex smiled, slow, hot, bright as pain. Clark had a concept of that now and he thought about it a lot.
"I've waited a long time, Clark. Years. And it took a lot longer for your transformation from waifish super-model to hot, hung stud than I'd anticipated."
"Lex, you watch too much porn."
"Well, you took four months to wean our daughter."
Clark rolled his eyes. "Do you realize I still weaned her early? Jesus. You and your cock lust--jeopardizing the health of our child."
Lex's nostrils flared. "I would never do that."
"Hey, hey. I was just kidding."
Lex flipped over, showing Clark his backside. A strategic maneuver disguised as a pout. Clark knew him well.
Clark slid his shirt off and unzipped his pants. He looked into the mirror across from the bed and smirked at Lex watching him there.
He climbed into bed, spooned up behind the firm, strong body and let his cock slip in between Lex's legs and rest behind his balls.
Clark's hand drifted down, he ran a finger into the smooth crevice of Lex's ass and traced it down to his asshole.
"I'm in a hurry. Is there anything wrong with that?"
Clark tugged gently on the butt plug and groaned. "You do realize I've never done this before? This is my first time? The last piece of my virginity."
"So fucking melodramatic. Slick your cock and get inside of me."
Clark laughed and reached for the oil.
"Call me 'Alien Overlord'."
Clark tugged the plug out of Lex's ass, slicked all around his hole before lining up against him. "Say it or I don't move."
Lex groaned, "Fuck me, Alien Overlord."
"You're so damn easy, Lex."
"A slut, I know. But, don't forget who lost their virginity with their clothes on and without even kissing me--Oh God--first."
Clark had pushed in just barely before he pulled back out. "So good, so good."
"Don't stop." Lex used his commanding tone and Clark shoved Lex over onto his belly.
Lex spread his legs and Clark spread his cheeks. He teased Lex's hole with his cock for several moments before pressing down. Down, down, in, in, hot and tight and fucking God Almighty.
Clark was flush to Lex's back, cock buried deep inside and terrified to move. Every beat of Lex's pulse threatened to send him over the edge and he grabbed handfuls of sheets trying to steady himself.
"Clark, fuck me." Lex's voice was a feline growl. Clark bit down on the inside of his cheek to keep himself from coming.
"Don't talk, Lex. I'm not going to last."
"We've got all night."
Clark buried his face in the nape of Lex's neck, pressing open mouth kisses there that grounded him.
"Your mom will be here in an hour to take over for the nanny."
Clark grinned. "My mom?"
"Yes. Now fuck me."
"You just mentioned my mom. During sex. I'm having no problem with the not-coming thing right now."
"Good, then fucking move."
Clark pulled out slowly and thrust in hard. Lex hissed and arched and whispered, "I knew it."
Clark thrust again.
Lex lifted his head, turned to look over his shoulder at Clark.
"I knew you could make me feel."
Lex's feet came up behind him to wrap around his upper thighs, dragging him in tighter, slower, urging him on. Clark rocked and plunged and when he couldn't hold back any more he leaned over and whispered "I love you" before the world spun crazily in a slide of pulsing sensation.
It was only half an hour later that Clark set out to discover which angles best hit Lex's prostate and how many times he had to stroke it before Lex was begging him to stop, begging him not to make him come again.
He liked his cock.
The first time Clark played Superman, Lex babysat and worked on his plan for world domination. There never was a last time.
Clark streaked across the sky in blue and brilliant red as his baby daughter waved from the arms of his one true love.
Their together life wasn't dull. How could it be when it got of to such a gender-bending start?
They still had another 30 years before the AI predicted Clark would need to reproduce again, but there were more horrors and adventures in Lex's little finger than in the whole rest of humanity combined.
Keeping the world safe from Lex's impatient machinations was often a full-time job.
Lex would never change, and Clark's unyielding devotion to him and their child only marginally fettered his constant quest for more power, more money, and more, more, more.
Lex formulated crazy plans, ridiculous schemes and dangerous plots. Clark had to save him too often from madmen with guns and mutants with a vendetta.
Clark knew that Lex would have some new secrets for him to ferret out when he returned home. He looked forward to it. Lex could never withstand the multiple prostate-orgasm truth serum.
He grinned as he considered how often hot gay sex had saved the world.
He waved back at his daughter and did a little spin in the air. He laughed as she clapped for him. Lex shook his head and muttered 'show off' before turning to go back inside the penthouse.
Clark had his cock, his family, his love and his faith.
His life couldn't have worked out better.
"'C'est la vie,' say the old folks, 'it goes to show you never can tell.'" ~ Chuck Berry