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and that unfair which fairly doth excel

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It starts out innocently enough. Yuuri is sitting in his office, poring over the paperwork that Gwendal has insisted the Maou needs to go through, not him, when Anissina bursts into the office and makes a beeline toward the desk.

“Heika,” she says, very seriously, in a tone that Gwendal knows very well and is very afraid of, “I need you to sign this document.”

“What document?” Yuuri asks cautiously, taking the paper from Anissina’s hand.

Gwendal moves to grab the document from him, but Anissina grabs his wrist. “Now, now, Gwendal,” she says sweetly, “That would spoil the surprise.” She looks back at Yuuri. “Sign the paper, Heika.”

Yuuri reads over it, and Gwendal can tell that whatever it is, it is not a good idea. “Um, Anissina-san, I’m not sure-” he begins, but Anissina cuts him off.

“I could always tell Wolfram about what happened in town last week,” she threatens with a smile.

Yuuri picks up the pen and scribbles his name. Anissina smiles, takes the document before Gwendal can grab it, and leaves.

+++

Greta finds him later and throws her arms around him. “Congratulations, Gwendal!” she squeals, before taking off through the hall.

Gwendal watches her go, wondering what she is congratulating him for. He has an idea that it has to do with whatever insanity Anissina is planning, which he'd stop, if he knew what it was.

Gunther is charging down the hall now, heading straight for Gwendal. “Gwendal,” he cries, throwing his arms around Gwendal’s shoulders.

Gwendal senses it's becoming a trend.

“Have you heard?” Gunther cries, looking him straight in the eyes.

“Heard what?” he asks, pulling away and pinching the bridge of his nose to stave off his headache.

“We’re getting married,” Gunther sobs.

The budding headache becomes a full fledged migraine.

+++

“Anissina!” Gwendal bellows, throwing open the door to her lab. He finds her half-undressed, glaring at him. “We need to talk.”

“Excuse me,” she says, motioning to her half-nakedness. “I’m trying on my dress.”

“What is this about Gunther and I getting married?”

Anissina looks at him as though he’s grown an extra head, which hasn’t happened since the last time he drank one of her potions. “You both will be marrying me.”

“Are you out of your mind?” he asks, incredulous. “I am not marrying you! Neither is Gunther! It’s not even legal!”

“Ah, but it is,” she tells him. “Heika made it legal this morning.”

Gwendal knew it. “You can’t threaten him every time you want one of your insane projects legalized, Anissina.”

“Oh, but you love me, Gwendal, and so does Gunther. And you’re both my favorite test subjects,” she adds. “The wedding is tomorrow. Try running and your mother will not be pleased.”

Gwendal leaves, slamming the door behind him.

+++

The next morning, Gwendal and Gunther are mounting their horses, ready to make their escape. They would have tried the night before, but Anissina and his mother wouldn’t leave them alone, going so far as to have a sleepover in Gwendal’s room.

“Are you sure this is a good idea, Gwendal?” Gunther asks, looking around cautiously. “Cheri-sama is going to be looking for us any minute.”

“And we’ll be gone,” Gwendal asserts. “Let’s go.”

They make it as far as five miles out of town when Anissina appears in the middle of the road. “So kind of you to make it on time,” she says sweetly.

Conrart and Densham appear at their sides to help them down and drag them to their doom.

“It won’t be that bad,” Conrart tries to tell him. “After all, it really won’t change anything.”

Gwendal glares witheringly. Conrart smiles back.

“Gwennie!” Cheri calls out, waving him and Conrart over. “I have your suit.”

Gwendal wishes that someone would attack. It happens at every other ceremony, so why not his wedding?

+++

Yuuri is bumbling through the ceremony, and there hasn’t even been the hint of an attack on the horizon.

“What’s plan B?” Gunther whispers.

Anissina glares menacingly at them both before Gwendal can reply.

Ten minutes later, Yuuri pronounces them man, man, and wife.

“Happily is optional,” Gwendal mutters.

Anissina stomps on his foot with a happy smile before kissing them both.

+++

Conrart and Josak take the horses back to the castle while Gwendal and Gunther ride back with Anissina.

Gunther is sobbing in the corner of the carriage, lamenting the fact that he could not save himself for Yuuri, while Gwendal is nursing a headache.

“Cheer up,” Anissina tells them. She is beaming, happy and aglow. Gwendal wishes her ill.

“Why would you do this, Anissina?” he asks.

“Oniisan has been bugging me about marrying you ever since that whole arranged marriage fiasco, and then he heard about that incident a few months back where he saw you holding hands with Gunther, so he asked if we were all dating or if you were cheating on me.”

Gwendal stares at her wide-eyed.

“I figured this was the simplest solution. Besides, it’s not like either of you planned on getting married, anyway. And now, because of our vows, you guys are my eternal test subjects.” She looks beyond happy with herself.

“Heika,” Gunther sobs loudly.

Gwendal wants to kill something.

+++

The reception is painful. Everyone is fluttering around them, congratulating them, wishing them well, and all Gwendal wants to do is run, but Anissina has a firm grasp on both his and Gunther’s hands.

They are opening presents – well, Anissina is opening them – when Greta runs up and hands him and Gunther each a wrapped package. Gwendal thanks her, and carefully opens the gift.

Inside is a bright green knitted hat with a silver pom pom on top. Gunther’s is silver with a bright green pom pom.

Greta is looking at them hopefully, so Gwendal puts his hat on and tries to smile. It comes out more like a grimace.

“You look good, Gwendal. Stunning, Gunther,” Anissina says seriously, though her eyes are twinkling in amusement. She hands them each a drink, which Gwendal accepts warily. “I didn’t spike it,” she says, rolling her eyes. “Honest.”

Gwendal knocks back the drink at the same time as Gunther takes a sip.

+++

They wake up the next morning wearing nothing but the hats. Anissina is standing over them in a knitted corset.

Gwendal’s mouth feels like a cottonfield.

“Where are we?” Gunther croaks.

Anissina grins. “Welcome to the honeymoon, boys.”