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Theoretical Physics

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“Oh, honey, it’s fine.”

Leonard grunted as he tried to pull the reigns of the horse. “No. It’s not fine.” But the stupid horse didn’t budge. He let go with a vengeance. “Oh, come on!” He would have kicked the beast if it had been inanimate and not prone to kicking him.

Penny laughed. “I know you have been planning this date for three days…”

“Three weeks,” Leonard interjected, in a sad tone.

“Oh. That long huh?”

He glared at her.

She grinned. “Anyway, it could have been so much worse than being stranded in the middle of the night with a horse that wouldn’t walk.”

His jaw locked as he raised an eyebrow at her. “Like what?”

Penny thought about it. “Like…We could have been trapped in that creepy glass house with thirteen ghosts trying to kill us…?”

Despite how absolutely outrageous she sounded, he smiled. “I suppose you’re right. At least our horse is healthy and not suffering from an injured fetlock.”

She cocked her head to the side in confusion. “Huh?”

“It’s the spot in the leg between two bones where-” He shook his head. “Forget about it.” He turned back to glare at the stupid horse who refused to pull the stupid carriage. “I just wanted this to be special. And here we are, stranded in the middle of the night while you’re freezing because you’re wearing…that.”

“Oh, you like it?” Penny asked excitedly as she turned around to show off her shapely figure. “I thought I should treat myself with a new Romper.”

Leonard squinted. “Huh?”

“Romper?” she repeated, as if the word by itself gave a definition. “It’s this type of design where… You know what? Forget it.” She smiled. “Look, the way I see it, we have a closed carriage and a horse that won’t move.”

Leonard shook his head. “So?”

Penny stepped closer to him before she placed her lips on his and gave him a long, drawn out kiss. He wasn’t proud of it, but Leonard whimpered. “You could always help to keep me warm,” she said sexily against his ear.

He didn’t waste any time. With a hand on her lower back, they climbed in quickly before their lips met with frenzied lust.

But of course, that was when the horse decided to move.

Leonard groaned. “Oh, come on!”

Chapter Text

All it took was for one look from Leonard Hofstadter the moment he entered his apartment to make up his mind. “No.”

Sheldon perked up from the list he had in his hand to look quizzically at his roommate. “No?”

“No.” And just to prove his point, Leonard shut the door behind him.

Sheldon’s brows furrowed. “And what are you saying ‘no’ to?”

“Really? You couldn’t possibly think of what I could be saying ‘no’ to?” Leonard waited for a small shake of Sheldon’s head before he could explain further. “I’m not wearing that,” he said as he gestured to the getup the crazy person before him wore.  

Sheldon looked down, his expression saying exactly how confused he was by his friend’s adamant outburst. “Why not?”

“It’s a toga, Sheldon.”

“And?”

Leonard huffed. “And I am not driving out of state while wearing something that could come off me the moment I’m hit by a gust of wind.”

Smiling to himself, Sheldon shook his head in disappointment. “Oh, Leonard. First of all, we will be travelling by car. I can assure you that the chances of a huge gust of wind taking off your clothes is quite minimal to running out of gas and having to hitch a ride with a redneck trucker while he makes sexual advances towards you. And secondly, what I am currently wearing was the garment signifying power by the ancient Romans. Many a Roman would wear this particular style to signify proper leadership, academic genius, political brilliance… and the ease of which to go to the bathroom.” 

Leonard sighed. “Couldn’t you have picked a uniform less… girlish?”

“Girlish? Leonard, I’ll have you know that there’s nothing more male than a white sheet draped over one shoulder. Besides, it was either this or the soldiers of Rome. Or would you have preferred wearing ill-fitting armour that showed off your lack of physical prowess, pretend to be trapped in a deep, dark cave and shout ‘This is Spartar’?” Sheldon questioned him as he went back to his list. 

“I would like to trap you in a deep, dark cave,” Leonard coughed into his hand. The minute Sheldon looked up, he changed his tune. “I mean, I might not be able to make it this weekend.”

Sighing, Sheldon shook his head. “What? Why?” He narrowed his eyes. “Is it Penny?”

“Well…” 

“I knew it! You know, Leonard, the ancient Romans would consider it hypocritical to turn down a comrade in arms so as to make love to a woman in an elevator.”

Leonard’s expression twisted in confusion. “In an elevator?”

“Of course,” Sheldon said in a bored tone. “Where else would hillbillies perform coitus?” 

“What-“

Sheldon dismissed whatever he was going to say with twitch of his head. “I suppose this would leave me no choice. I would either have to ask Raj, or Wolowitz, or not go at all.” Sheldon thought on that for a second. Sighing, he put down the list. “Looks like I’ll have to unpack the chainsaws,” he said with a despondent sigh, choosing to stay back rather than thinking of the other two less-pleasurable possibilities. 

Leonard’s eyes widened. “Chainsaws?”

“Yes, chainsaws. Our weapon of choice.” Sheldon rolled his eyes. “Do you not read my weekly memos?”

“Sorry, must have missed the memo where we were to play chainsaw bearing Romans to save the damsel in distress.”

“Oh don’t be silly, Leonard. The person we were to save was King Kong. He is more the damsel in distress rather than the floozy who gave him up to the humans. Get your history straight.”

Leonard watched as his roommate went towards the duffel bag and proceeded to carry the heavy thing unsuccessfully. He probably should have fought the feeling and left it alone, but he couldn’t. Against his will, he felt sorry for Sheldon. 

“At least there’s a silver lining. You could finally go spend time with your mother this weekend. She has been calling an awful lot recently.” 

Sheldon paused in his attempt to carry the bag to frown thoughtfully. “I suppose you’re right. Although Lord knows that the last time my mother asked me to meet her at the Grand Canyon for rattlesnake shooting I nearly got shot… Twice.”

In his infinite wisdom, Leonard decided not to ask the billion questions that came to him at that moment. “You know what, Sheldon? I think a weekend with just you, me, a couple of chainsaws is exactly what I need.”

Sheldon grinned as he went back to his list. “Good. I ironed your costume and put it in your room. I would suggest you use the bathroom before we leave as well as eat any or all coloured food as you may want, because from the moment you put that toga on, only colourless food and drinks for you.”

Leonard sighed as he started for his bedroom. “Great.” 

“Oh and Leonard?”

Leonard paused. “Yeah?”

“Don’t forget your Roman sandals.” Sheldon went back to his list.

Shaking his head, he entered his bedroom to see all his things were already packed Sheldon-style. Even the chainsaw looked pretty awesome. He sighed, knowing that no matter what he said and however much he dishevelled his hair to look cool, he was a geek who loved the prospect of role-playing… Even the ridiculous ones. “I shouldn’t want this,” he groaned to himself as he pulled out the make-shift chainsaw with blades so blunt it couldn’t even cut an apple. He revved up the weapon and grinned. 

“Sorry, Penny. I’ve got King Kong to save.” 

Chapter Text

Blog Entry 22734 - Subject : Breakfast

Dear Readers,

It has recently come to my attention through the unwittingly small minds of Dr. Rajesh Koothrappali and Howard Wolowitz (MA, not PhD), that following the blog entry titled "Blog Entry 22722 - Subject : Spock, Kill Me Now", it would be beneficial for me to provide a set of rules that could be used to reduce the possibility of suicides that can be due, for the most part, by being forced to have breakfast with one's mother after being forced to attend the false worship of a non-existent God, while a man in robes spoke inconsistently of what we know of science. (And before you ask, no, I don't believe they were being sarcastic when they made this suggestion as I have become quite a proficient sarcastic master myself, and I could detect sarcasm through all the common denominators effectively).

As I survived the gross lies of sitting in a church for one unholy hour and had my hands shackled by mother's scarf to stop me from raising my hand in a point of order, only to be nearly done in by breakfast with that same biological mother, I can only give you the following that helped me through this very trying time.

1. Preparation : It is best to do what one must and pack as many comic books, a laptop, a Kinect (when available) and a smart phone when one is to visit one's mother. If your mother is like mine, then I would suggest hiding the appliances in a giant teddy bear that you say is for her, but the contents of which are for you. It is better to bend the truth than stay a weekend without any technology save for a television that was made in 1991.

2. The nod : When your mother says something that you do not agree with, smile and nod. It is true that I base this off Penny, the resident apartment pet who keeps stealing my wifi, but I have modified it to exclude the look of condescension that she usually sports. (P.S. - Penny, stop stealing my wifi)

3. Don't be shy : When your mother asks you what you want for breakfast, tell her. There is no sense in being modest. If you are forced to sit through a meal with her then you might as well enjoy it. Be as elaborate as possible to postpone the inevitable.

And finally, if all the above fail and you find yourself unable to take anymore... Wait for the moment when she reaches over to clasp your hand. While she prays to her false-God, close your eyes and hope for a quick, painless death.

P.S. - To the three tricksters known as "Jewish Hunk", "Spicy Indian" and "Bitter Disappointment", I know who you are and will not tolerate your spamming any longer. For I will employ my three friends Leonard, Raj (and even Wolowitz) to hunt you down and spam you back. Be afraid, Spammers. Be very afraid.

Sincerely,
Sheldon Cooper.

Chapter Text

Leonard groaned, causing Sheldon to look up at his roommate with an expression of utter exasperation.

 

“With the risk of getting information that I really won’t care for, I must ask for the sake of my sanity, exactly what is troubling you?”

 

Leonard sighed. “My mother seems to think that I should act insane at the dinner tonight to prove her thesis right.”

 

“Well,” said Sheldon. “You could do what my mother always suggests I do.”

 

“And what is that?”

 

"When in danger or doubt, Shelly, run around in circles and scream. They won’t go near you.”

 

“…Thanks.”

 

“You’re welcome.”