"No. Nope. Nuh-uh. No way. Sorry, Rodney, it's just not going to happen."
Rodney blinked past the flashbacks to the end of any date he'd ever had to any high school dance and looked at Sheppard.
"Why not?" he whined. "It's Valentine's day. It's our first official, we're allowed to be together in public without you getting court martialled Valentine's day. Why can't we go to the party thing together? There're candles - you love candles."
Sheppard shoved his hands in his pockets. "It's our first public Valentine's as couple. How many have we had as a secret couple?"
Rodney frowned. "Three."
Sheppard nodded encouragingly. "Uh-huh. What happened last year?"
Rodney flushed and looked down at his feet. "The new cook put lemon zest in the buttercream filling for the cake and I went into anaphylactic shock."
Sheppard nodded. "I had to shove a needle in your leg to keep you breathing and then I spent the rest of the day sitting in the infirmary, bored as hell, while you wheezed and sent thirty emails to Elizabeth about why the guy should have been sent back to Earth before he brought his citrus-loving ways anywhere near you. What happened the year before?"
Rodney shuffled his feet. "You fell down a flight of stairs and fractured your ankle."
Sheppard nodded again. "And you had to spend the day bored as hell in the infirmary after the nurse accidentally overdosed me and I thought we were on a mission in Disneyland."
"You thought Goofy looked suspicious," Rodney remembered.
"I still do." Sheppard allowed. "And what happened the year before that?"
"Ronon had appendicitis and we had to spend the morning convincing him that he needed to have his appendix taken out, and then waiting to hear how the operation went."
Sheppard took his hands out of his pockets and rested them on Rodney's shoulders. "Do you see a pattern there?"
"No. If we go to the party thing at the mess someone'll get set on fire by the candles or something and we'll end up at the infirmary again. Do you really want that?"
"No." Rodney agreed. "So what do you want to do?"
Sheppard grinned and let his hands drop. "I have a plan. It involves pre-packaged junk food, my quarters, and films where things are exploding on other people rather than us."
Rodney considered that for a moment. "Any chance it can be expanded to include beer and blowjobs?"
"Consider it expanded."
Rodney grinned. "Well then, lead the way," he said. "Carefully."