Herding Cats

by childishGambino

Summary:

In an alternate session of SGRUB, something goes wrong, and the timeline is doomed. Nepeta Leijon is given the opportunity to give the universe a second chance. All she has to do is complete one simple task: Ship all the trolls. All of them.

Chapter 1: The Choice

Chapter 1

The Choice

"The furocious huntress stalks silently through the bushes, closely observing her purrey."

In truth, there were no bushes. In fact, the girl muttering the completely fictitious narrative sentence was perched behind an unusually large tea kettle, peering over its lid at a cotton candy imp, who was completely oblivious to her presence.

"Sensing the purrfect time to make her move..." she said, unsheathing her claws.

"She strikes!" With that, the girl dramatically vaulted over the top of the tea kettle, sending the lid flying into a bank of little cubes. The imp turned to face its assailant, but before it could begin to act, the girl had brought down her claws through it, slicing the creature into seven long, flat pieces. They flopped to the ground before disappearing entirely, leaving only a modest amount of grist, which the huntress collected eagerly.

For Nepeta Leijon, the day seemed just like any other in the game. And yet, at the very edges of her perception, she could tell that, ever so subtly, something about it was different.

It was almost like it was... louder.

HEY KID.

She almost ignored the strange bit of speech that just popped into her head. Who could it be? It wasn't any voice she recognized.

THE LITTLE CAT GIRL.

But there it was again. If it wasn't a memory, then was it a... a voice in her head? Was she going crazy? Oh god, she really didn't want to be going crazy.

YER THE ONE WHO CARES ABOUT ROMANCE RIGHT.

No, if it was her own head, she wouldn't be asking herself such silly questions. Of course she liked romance! It was practically her favorite thing in the world!

I SEEN THE SCRIBBLES IN YER CAVE.

So if it wasn't her, it must be someone watching her. She looked up at nothing in particular and pointed to herself.

YEAH YOU. THE LITTLE BROAD WITH THE CAT HORNS POINTIN AT HERSELF.

Okay, it could see her, but could it hear her?

"What do you want?" she asked. At first she felt a little silly talking to nothing in particular, but then she remembered she does that all the time anyway when she's roleplaying. Then that just made her feel a little sillier.

I WANT YOU TA STOP MESSIN AROUND AND KISS THE BOY.

"What boy?"

THE ONE ALL OVER YER WALLS. THE SHOUTY RUNT WITH THE NUBBY HORNS.

A look of desperate terror came over her face. "You know about that?! Listen, you can't tell anyone about it! I mean nopawdy!"

WHOA WHOA TAKE IT EASY KID. I AINT TELLIN ANYBODY ABOUT YER LITTLE CRUSH.

She sighed in relief. The last thing she needed was her OTP getting out. "Thank you," she said.

ONLY OTHER KID I TALKED TO WAS SOME RUNT IN A WHEELCHAIR.

"You mean Tavros?" she asked, then realized what a silly question it was. Of course it was Tavros. And considering the voice hadn't even asked for her name yet, it probably didn't even know who Tavros was.

I TOLD HIM TA KISS THE GIRL BUT HE WOULDNT LISTEN.

"Wait, what? Kiss who? Vwiskers?" Certainly not Vriska... right?

THE WHOLE SPECTACLE WAS EMBARRASIN. I DONT EVEN WANT TA TALK ABOUT IT.

Her shoulders slumped. "Well, then, what do you want?"

I WANT YA TA GO AND KISS THAT BOY.

A streak of olive painted itself across her cheeks. "What? But I can't just kiss him!"

YER IN LOVE WITH THE LITTLE RUNT RIGHT.

"Well, yeah..." she said, her blush intensifying ever so slightly.

THEN WHAT ARE YA WAITIN FOR. JUST GO KISS THE BOY.

"But I can't! You don't understand! If I just kiss him, he'll think I'm weird, and things will get all awkward between us and he'll never speak to me again!" Her face was burning green, and she was suddenly a little upset that she didn't know exactly which way she should be shouting.

WELL THEN YA GOTTA USE YER FEMININE WILES TO SEDUCE HIM.

"Feminine w..." What the hell was it talking about? "What the hell are you talking about?"

ALRIGHT ALRIGHT MAYBE YER NOT QUITE OLD ENOUGH TA GET THAT YET.

The voice was starting to get on her nerves. "Then what should I do?"

ALRIGHT LOOK KID. YER THE HERO A HEART RIGHT.

"Yes!" she proclaimed, striking a heroic pose. "I am the Rogue of Heart! Even though I'm not really sure what that means yet."

THEN JUST DO THE HEARTY THING AND MAKE THE RUNT FALL IN LOVE WITH YA.

"What hearty thing? Could you be a little more descriptive?"

JUST DO THE HEARTY THING.

"Okay..." she said. She then tried to do the hearty thing.

DO THE HEARTY THING.

She is still attempting to do the hearty thing.

DO THE HEARTY THING DO THE HEARTY THING DO THE HEARTY THING DO THE HEARTY THING.

She is having trouble bringing herself to do the hearty thing.

YOU DO THE HEARTY THING THIS INSTANT.

She cannot do it. She cannot do the hearty thing.

WHAT THE HELLS THE MATTER WITH YOU YA LITTLE RUNT.

"I don't know how to do the hearty thing, okay?! I don't even know what the hearty thing is!"

WELL THEN FIGURE IT OUT.

"Well, how?!"

JUST FIND ONE A THE LITTLE SALAMANDERS OR WHATEVER WEIRD LITTLE CREATURES YA GOT WANDERIN AROUND YER PLANET AND TALK TO EM.

"Do I have to? That sounds silly." 

YOU WANNA KISS THE BOY RIGHT.

"Well... yeah."

THEN FIGURE OUT HOW TA DO THE HEARTY THING.

"Okay, fine!" She began to march off, but she stopped and turned around. "But just fur the record, I think you could affurd to be a little more pawlite!"

***

"The brave Rogue... ventures deeper into the Denizen's lair... and even though it's dark and spooky and creepy... she isn't scared!"

Nepeta Leijon was scared out of her goddamned mind.

She had been doing her quests, and the voice seemed to be pleased, although it was constantly urging her to just use her heart powers and kiss the boy. But she insisted that it wasn't time yet, and that she had to master her heart powers if she wanted to guarantee her success. That always seemed to quell its... enthusiasm for romance, at least temporarily.

But now she had almost mastered her powers, and all of her quests were complete but one: confronting the Denizen. The consorts, whatever they were (axolotls, she almost remembered?), assured her that she was ready to challenge the beast. And although she had ascended to the top of the echeladder, and bought all the most powerful fraymotifs boondollars could buy, and even spent an enormous amount of grist combining items with her claws until they were so sharp and so deadly that the air itself seemed to cut itself upon them, standing in this tunnel, peering into the darkness beyond, she didn't feel ready at all.

But she pressed on anyway, if not for her own sake, then for his.

As she pushed herself further through the brown passageways--this deep below the surface, the sugary cubes had been crushed into a dark and bitter molasses--she expected to encounter monsters, or puzzles, but she found neither. Even after she was certain the journey itself was harmless, she still carried herself with trepidation, knowing that the true threat waited at the end.

After what seemed like days, the path began to straighten and widen, and, forcing herself to continue, Nepeta found herself in a massive spherical chamber. The enormous structure certainly wasn't natural, but its inner surface was warped with the tensions of eons, and massive caramel stalactites loomed from above, some even having grown into the floor itself to form great columns around the center of the chamber. She would have guessed the place was hundreds of thousands of years old if she hadn't known it was created a little over a week ago.

A massive shadow loomed at the bottom of the chamber, slowly rising and falling with the motion of breathing. A low rumble echoed periodically throughout the room, reverberating off the walls until it seemed to come from every direction at once. It was her Denizen, and it was asleep.

She stepped forward nervously, fruitlessly hoping to get a better look at the creature. "Hello? Are you there?" she asked quietly. "Are you awake?" The Denizen continued to sleep.

Well, if she was asleep, then Nepeta would just have to wake her up. "Psyche!" she shouted. "Wake up!" The sound suddenly halted, and she saw the shadow in the middle of the chamber slowly rise.

Suddenly, the walls of the chamber began to glow, flooding the entire room with a pink-white light. And there, in the center of the chamber, towered an enormous figure, shaped like a troll, but without horns or hair or even arms. Her entire figure was smooth and white, as if she were carved from marble, except for her eyes, which burned internally with an intense pink fire. But her most notable feature was the two massive insectoid wings that sprouted from her back. They as well were pink, the same fuschia as emanated from her eyes and from the chamber's edge, but were inlaid with patterns in a thousand other colors, golds and greens and blues and every color from the hemospectrum and beyond. They drew hearts--an utterly massive, uncountable number of hearts--of all sizes and colors, connected by an inscrutable maze of lines.

It was Psyche, the Denizen of Heart, and Nepeta had just stepped into her demesne.

Every bone in her body screamed out for her to run, to escape, to leave this place while she still had her life and never return, but she made herself stay. Her stomach churned, her blood boiled, and all her muscles went numb but the ones in her legs, but she forced herself to stay. Every single piece of her gnashed and wailed and bellowed at her to leave, for his sake.

Every piece but one: her heart. And her heart told her that for his sake, she had to stay.

So she stood her ground. She remembered the advice of the consorts, that she would have to issue a challenge. Conjuring all her strength, she raised an arm to point her claws at the Denizen, and cried with all the fake bravado she could muster, "Psyche! I, Nepeta Leijon, Rogue of Heart, have come to challenge you for dominion over this planet, the Land of Little Cubes and Tea!"

Acknowledging her command, Psyche leaned forward and lowered her gaze to meet the little troll's. Looking directly into her face, she was beautiful, almost, in a terrifying sort of way. Although she had followed her consorts' advice, she still feared she may have done something wrong, and that any moment Psyche would flare her nostrils and incinerate her in a gout of pink flames, or maybe flick her eyelids and rip her soul into a million pieces. But instead, she opened her mouth, and spoke.

"Very well, Rogue. I accept your challenge." Her voice was filled with unimaginable power, but it didn't boom, didn't thunder, didn't cause the ground to shake, but instead seemed to quake inside her, sending convulsions throughout her every bone, every nerve, every vein. "What are your terms?"

Her terms? She was shocked that Psyche was acknowledging her almost as an equal, but she rationalized that perhaps, after all of her questing and developing her powers, she had begun to rival even the Denizen in power. Nonetheless, she didn't allow herself to lower her guard.

"We will have a contest of strength. A strife!" she began, figuring that a boss fight was what the designers of this game had in mind. "If I win, you will release your grip of tyranny on the people of this land, and you will grant me mastery of my pawers as a Hero of Heart! And if I lose..." she hesitated. She wasn't sure what would happen if she lost. "If I lose, you may do with me what you will!"

Psyche raised her head, but did not avert her gaze from the Rogue, as if taking her challenge with contempt. "A contest of violence. How typical for your species." Her wings moved behind her, and Nepeta saw some of the hearts and lines begin to glow, all in the colors of the hemospectrum, and she could almost see a story form within them, a story of thousands of years of death and bloodshed and conquest. "I will accept these terms, but if you would listen, I would offer an alternative."

Another set of terms? Did the Denizen not want to fight her? In truth, even though it looked as if she might be bargaining from a position of strength, Nepeta did not truly want to fight the Denizen. "Furry well, I'll hear them," she said, lowering her claws.

"Interesting. Perhaps you are different from the rest," Psyche said, once again lowering her gaze to meet the troll's head on, and the faintest of smiles appeared on her marble lips. "My terms are as follows. Instead of any sort of physical conflict, I will ask only that you make The Choice. Depending on The Choice you make, I shall give you a Task. Complete this Task, and I will accede to your demands."

An unusual request, but Nepeta supposes it can't be harder than fighting her. "What is The Choice?"

"I cannot tell you until you have accepted my terms."

"Okay, fine. And if I succeed in this Task, you'll give me efurrything I asked fur?"

"Once you have made The Choice and accepted The Task, I will release my hold on the consorts of this world. And once you have completed The Task, I will grant you mastery of the powers of Heart." Psyche once again leaned back and raised her head slightly, and her mouth curled into what almost appeared to be a smirk. "In addition, once you have finished, I can guarantee you the thing you truly came here for, though you did not ask for it."

Nepeta gasped as slightly as she could manage. "You mean..."

"Yes. The heart of the boy."

Inside her head, she squealed and shouted for joy, but then she stopped to consider what Psyche had said. "I want his heart, yes... but I don't want it taken furom him by furce!"

Psyche chuckled, sending a shiver through her entire body. "I did not say I would give it to you. I said only that I can ensure that you would have it."

Nepeta furrowed her brow. How could Psyche guarantee he would love her without some sort of potion or magical spell? Nonetheless, she seemed confident in what she said. "Okay. And what catpuns if I fail this Task?"

 "Then you and your entire timeline shall be doomed."

"What?! No! Furget that! That's too much!"

"Allow me to clarify," Psyche said, and her smile vanished. "In truth, your timeline is already doomed. I cannot specify where or when it happened, but at some point in time, it strayed too far, and the events meant to guarantee its existence never took place."

"W...what? So this entire timeline is doomed? What does that mean?"

"It means this iteration of this universe has failed to guarantee its own creation. As such, its existence is a paradox. And in time, it will be dealt with in the same way that all paradoxes are dealt with: it will slowly be destroyed, inch by inch, and every piece will be cast into the Furthest Ring."

An insurmountable sense of dread came over Nepeta. "Well, then... what can we do? How are we suppawsed to stop this timeline from not existing?"

"There are ways of temporarily and even permanently protecting a doomed timeline from the mechanisms that dispose of them. Should you accept the Task, I will protect your universe for its duration. And should you succeed, I can ensure its permanent existence, as a branch of sorts."

Hearing those words, Nepeta's decision was already made. "If that's the case, then I have no choice but to accept!"

Psyche leaned back once more, her back standing straight up, and a smile once again returned to her face. "Very well. I will now give you The Choice." With that, all the light in the chamber seemed to redirect and point itself directly at Nepeta, casting faint shadows in every direction around her.

"As a Hero of Heart, you are blessed with power over the hearts and souls of other living beings. With your powers, you may read the hearts of others, ease them when they are troubled and mend them when they are broken. You may even stir emotions in them directly, be them joy, or sadness, or hatred, or even love. You could, with practice, control one's every feeling, dictating their every emotion as a conductor directs an orchestra."

The smile on Psyche's face becomes a frown, and Nepeta thinks she can almost see sadness in the fires of her eyes. "Right now, you twelve, you and all your friends, are suffering. You are all coming of age, coming to realize how much you rely on each other, how much you need each other, and how much you love and how much you hate each other. Each of you has suffered all the pains of love, those of the love rejected, the love false, the love inadequate, and perhaps most painful of all, the love unrequited." True enough, she thought, and her gaze fell to the ground.

Psyche continued. "As a Hero of Heart, you can bring peace to the hearts of you and your friends, but how you do so is only for you to decide. So The Choice is this: with your powers of Heart, will you bring your friends peace swiftly and directly, shaping their emotions as you see fit? Or will you use your powers only to guide them, and wait for them to find peace of their own free will?"

Nepeta considered her quandary carefully. "So I can use my pawers just to help my furiends, or I can use them to just plain make them happy? Like mind control?"

"Not mind control, exactly. You would control their emotional states, making them feel love or indifference where none existed before. Their reactions would be entirely their own."

Psyche's answer wasn't entirely convincing. "How is that not mind control?"

"If you see no difference, then I cannot tell you otherwise."

"Well, I don't want to just furce my furiends to fall in love with each other against their will! Howefur you dress it up, it doesn't sound right!"

"So you have made your decision?"

She hesitated. She really didn't want to manipulate her friends into loving each other, but at the same time, there was one stupid, selfish little thing she had to wonder about.

"Before I answer, can I ask... does he love me?"

Psyche's features softened, and the sadness Nepeta swore she saw in her eyes returned. "No," she said, and Nepeta's heart sank. "But he may, in time. And whatever decision you make, should you complete your Task, I can assure you he will reciprocate your affections."

The answer was heartening, but vague, so she extended the question. "What do you mean, you can assure me?"

"It is not a vow to act, nor a prophecy of things to come. It is merely a promise. A highly educated guess, if you will, that after your Task is complete, his feelings for you will be the same as yours for him."

"Well... I guess that'll have to be good enough."

"So you have made your decision?" she repeated, the intonation identical to the first.

"Yes I have," Nepeta said, her voice unwavering. "I'll only use my pawers to guide my furiends and help them, and nefur to manipulate them!" The amount of certainty with which she said it almost frightened her.

"Very well," Psyche said, and leaned back to her full height once more. She closed her eyes, as if processing her decision. For a brief, lingering moment, Nepeta thought she may have made the wrong decision. Then Psyche's eyes opened once more, and she returned her gaze to the troll. "You have chosen wisely. I will now give you The Task." Nepeta was relieved but still nervous, wondering what labor her Denizen had in store for her.

"Your task is this. In your society, romance is divided into four quadrants. I am only interested in two in particular: those you call matespritship and moirallegiance." All the hearts faded from her wings but twelve, all in very familiar colors, and a dizzying lattice of red and white lines connected them. "For you and each of your friends, you must find both a matesprit and a moirail. Once you have found a suitable match for each, The Task will be complete."

Nepeta blinked, then suddenly realized what Psyche was asking her to do. "So... you want me to ship them?"

Psyche's face was emotionless, but nonetheless she was visibly confused. "I do not understand your question."

"I mean... you want me to put them all in relationships."

"If that is what you mean by 'shipping,' then yes."

She almost couldn't believe it. "But I've already been doing that anyway!"

"You have been speculating possible relationships between your friends, but you have done nothing to make them reality," Psyche said, her brow furrowed, and Nepeta suddenly felt she might not have been taking this seriously enough. "With the powers you have gained on your quests, there is nothing stopping you from doing so, save only the restrictions you have placed on yourself by The Choice you have made."

"Hey, yeah! With my Heart pawers, I'll be able to help efurryone with their relationships! That's great!" Even though she knew it wouldn't be easy, Nepeta was genuinely excited that she'd actually be able to make her ships really happen.

"There are a few more conditions," Psyche said. "Firstly, you must abide by the restrictions of The Choice you have made. Second, you must not tell any of your friends the terms of this Task." She leaned forward once more, staring into Nepeta's eyes intently. "And lastly... the boy you love... you must save your relationship with him for last. And you must not tell him or anyone else your true feelings for him until it is time."

Nepeta hesitated once more. She couldn't tell him until she'd dealt with everyone else? But maybe that was what it took for him to love her. And maybe if she told him why she was doing this, he would be horrified that it was all for such a silly reason.

Her decision was made. "I accept."

"Very well. I wish you the best of luck on your endeavor," Psyche said, standing straight once more. "Now if you wish, I may transport you back to the entrance to my lair. I understand it is a long and arduous trek to reach this place from the surface."

"Wait, befur you do that," Nepeta started, and she swore she saw Psyche cock her head the slightest bit, "can I just ask you a question?"

"I suppose. What is it?"

"Why are you doing this?"

Psyche's features softened once more, and Nepeta saw the fire in her eyes dim to a glow. "I have seen what fate has in store for you and your friends, what happens in the proper timeline. It is... cruel." She cast her gaze downward for a moment, then returned it to meet the troll's, a faint smile once again gracing her face. "I suppose I just wanted to see a timeline in which you are all happy, because I believe that you all deserve as much."

"Oh," Nepeta said, and returned Psyche's smile with a beaming grin of her own. "Well, thank you!" Any trace of fear she felt for the Denizen was gone, replaced with respect.

"The pleasure is mine, truly," Psyche said, her smile growing larger. "Now I think you should run along. You have a Task to complete."

"Of course!" Nepeta said, and turned to leave, but then suddenly remembered the Denizen's previous offer. "Er, well, if you could just take me to the surface..."

No longer worried about maintaining her imposing image, Psyche chuckled. "Of course, my dear. Once again, I wish you the best of luck."

"Thank you! I won't let you down, I swear!" Nepeta said, locking her legs together and giving the Denizen a salute. "Oh, and, uh, goodbye, Psyche! It was really nice meeting you!"

"And you as well, Nepeta. Goodbye."

The pink light of the chamber pooled and intensified around Nepeta, and brightened until all she could see was light. Then, as suddenly as it began, the light faded, and she found herself standing once again at the entrance to the Denizen's lair.

***

In the axolotl village, the consorts were celebrating Nepeta's triumph over the Denizen. Once again the tea flowed freely from the Nine Great Kettles, and the axolotls could thrive as they had once before (even though she knew the kettles had been stopped up since the planet existed). "The Rogue has won! Our Hearts are mended!" the eager throng of amphibians cried as they showered her with praise and sugary confetti. She considered telling them that Psyche hadn't truly been defeated, and that her Task was not yet complete, but she decided against it. May as well let the axolotls have their fun.

Before her thoughts could turn to other matters, a loud voice turned her thoughts to it for her.

HEY KID.

"Yes?" she asked, figuring the crowd of consorts couldn't hear her over their celebration.

CAN YOU DO THE HEARTY THING YET.

"I sure can!"

WELL DO THE HEARTY THING.

"Why, whatefur do you mean?"

I MEAN MAKE THE SHOUTY RUNT WANNA KISS YA.

"Well, I'm going to make him want to kiss me, but I'm not gonna use my heart pawers to do it!"

WELL THEN WHAT ARE YA GONNA DO.

"I'm gonna use my feminine wiles to seduce him, of course!"

HAHA YEAH NOW YER GETTIN IT KID.

"Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got some shipping to do!"

GO GET EM KID.

Nepeta indulged the axolotls in one last round of heroic theatrics, then left them to their business. Her Task clear in her mind, she took off for the gate back to her hive.

She had an important job to do.

Chapter 2: The Face That Launched a Thousand Ships

Chapter 2

The Face That Launched a Thousand Ships

CURRENT arsenicCatnip [CAC] RIGHT NOW opened memo on board :33 < THE SHIPPING WALL.

CAC: :33 < *the rogue of heart flutters to the ground on her beautiful olive wings, throwing purretty gr33n sparkles efurry which way*
CAC: :33 < hi efurryone! *she retracts her wings back into her adorable pink coat*
CAC: :33 < now you all know how much i love shipping, but until now its just b33n a hobby
CAC: :33 < but now that were the only twelve trolls left in the WHOLE MEWNIVERSE, shipping has become more impurrtant than efur!
CAC: :33 < and its supurr impurrtant that efurrypawdy gets along so that our numbers dont dwindle any further!
CAC: :33 < so now im ameowncing my intention to ship ALL THE TROLLS
CAC: :33 < all of them!
CAC: :33 < efurryone will have matespurrits and meowrails and well all get along and be the best team efur!
CAC: :33 < so if anypawdy n33ds any red relationship advice, f33l fr33 to talk to me!
CAC: :33 < ill be happy to put my shipping expurrtise to good use!
PAST arachnidsGrip [PAG] 2:08 HOURS AGO responded to memo.
PAG: Aaaaaaaahahahahahahahaha.
PAG: Seriously, Leijon? You just couldn't keep your stupid little matchm8ker game to yourself?
PAG: What, did you run out of room to draw in your cave?
PAG: Or do you seriously think that doodling stick figures all over the walls like a gru8 with a dented think pan suddenly m8kes you an expert on rel8ionships????????
CAC: XOO < rraawwwwrrr shut up vwiskers, this is serious!!!
CAC: :33 < ive b33n doing my quests and i know more about heart than youll efur know about light, even after you cheated your way to the top!
PAG: Of course you do, sweetie. Of cooooooourse you do.
PAG: 8ut do you honestly think any8ody's gonna w8ste their time talking to you about their rel8ionship pro8lems when we've got g8es to clear and denizens to kill????????
PAG: Hahahahahahahaha, oh man, our gloooooooorious leader's pro8a8ly gonna flip his shit when he catches wind of this!
CURRENT carcinoGeneticist [CCG] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.
CCG: YOU KNOW, NORMALLY THAT WOULD BE A COMPLETELY ACCURATE ASSESSMENT OF MY REACTION TO THIS.
CCG: MY SHIT WOULD DEFINITELY BE SIMULTANEOUSLY RISING AND ROTATING IN AN EXTREMELY AGITATED MANNER.
CCG: EXCEPT THAT FOR THE PAST WEEK, YOU ASSHOLES HAVE BEEN COMPLETELY FUCKING NEGLECTING YOUR IN-GAME DUTIES SO THAT YOU COULD WASTE MY TIME TALKING ABOUT YOUR RELATIONSHIP PROBLEMS
CCG: SO I'M KIND OF FUCKING RESERVING JUDGMENT FOR NOW.
PAG: Wh8t????????
PAG: So my plan for every8ody to god tier is a no-go, 8ut Spastic Cave Girl's 8ig Shipping Adventure gets an instant thumbs-up?!
CCG: WELL SORRY IF MURDEROUS PSYCHOTIC SPIDERTROLL'S FANTASTIC FUCKING SUICIDE PACT DIDN'T FLY RIGHT TO THE TOP OF MY TO-DO LIST!
CCG: IT'S ON THERE, THOUGH, RIGHT UNDER PEELING MY SHAME GLOBES OFF WITH A MAGNESIUM COAGULATE SHREDDER.
PAG: Oh gr8, thanks for that lovely mental image, Karkat!!!!!!!!
PAG: God, am I the only one who actually gives a shit a8out winning this stupid game????????
CCG: NO, WE ARE THE ONLY ONES WHO ACTUALLY GIVE A SHIT ABOUT WINNING THIS STUPID GAME.
CCG: BUT AS LONG AS THE REST OF THESE ASSHOLES KEEP PESTERING ME ABOUT THEIR STUPID PERSONAL DRAMA, I'M GOING TO BE ACCOMPLISHING EXACTLY FUCK ALL.
CCG: SO IF DELEGATING RELATIONSHIP BULLSHIT DUTY TO FUCKING NEPETA OF ALL PEOPLE IS THE ONLY WAY TO SPARE US ALL THE INDIGNITY OF OWING OUR COLLECTIVE ASSES TO A DERANGED FAIRY LUNATIC WITH AN ORANGE HOODIE AND DELUSIONS OF GRANDEUR, THEN THAT'S JUST A RISK I'M GOING TO HAVE TO TAKE.
CCG: EVEN IF IT ENDS UP BEING A FUCKING HORRIBLE IDEA.
CAC: :33 < itll be amazing, youll s33!
CAC: :33 < already the relationship charts and compawtibility grids are unfolding in my mind!
CAC: :33 < i have so many ships in the fire, you dont even know!
CAC: :33 < or in the water, i guess
CCG: OH MY GOD THIS IS GOING TO BE A TRAINWRECK.
FUTURE cuttlefishCuller [FCC] 6:12 HOURS FROM NOW responded to memo.
FCC: Well, I )(appen to t)(ink it's a GR---EAT ID---EA!
PAG: Well, I happen to not give a shit what you think, Peixes!!!!!!!!
FCC: VRISKA, S)(UT T)(-E GLUB UP!!!! >38O
FCC: ANYWAY! Since we're all one big team now, we all need to work toget)(er!
FCC: And w)(at betta way to make us do t)(at t)(an to ensnare us all in an elaborately woven net of relations)(ips?
FCC: We'll be an unbreakable battle fleet, twelve mig)(ty s)(ips strong, unified in a single goal, cras)(ing t)(roug)( t)(e end game in an unstoppable wave of destruction!
FCC: Wit)( t)(e occasional stop for fist bunps and sloppy makeouts, of course.
CCG: HUH, I ACTUALLY DIDN'T OF IT THAT WAY.
CCG: EXPLOITING OUR SPECIES' NATURAL TENDENCY FOR OBSESSING OVER RELATIONSHIP BULLSHIT TO FORCE US TO WORK AS A COHESIVE UNIT INSTEAD OF A BUNCH OF PAIL-CHASING WIGGLERS.
CCG: IF IT WORKS, IT'S MORE THAN A LITTLE BRILLIANT.
CCG: IT'S ALMOST... DEVIOUS, ACTUALLY.
FCC: Y-EA)( it is! 38D
CAC: :33 < guys, i just want efurrypawdy to be happy and work together!
CAC: :33 < this isnt some big scheme to make you all dance at my clawtips like adorable shadow pawppets!
FCC: S)(OR-E it isn't, Nepeta!
FCC: *GLUBS SUSPICIOUSLY...*
FUTURE twinArmageddons [FTA] 2:22 HOURS FROM NOW responded to memo.
FTA: ii hate two admiit iit, but vk iis probably riight.
FTA: thii2 ii2 the 2hiitiie2t iidea ii've ever heard.
PAG: And just how much do you h8 to admit it, Sooooooolluuuuuuuux?
FTA: ii hate it 2o fuckiing much that ii
FTA: oh waiit, ii don't giive a 2hiit enough about you two tell you how much.
PAG: 8ah, fuck you too!!!!!!!!
FTA: whatever.
FCC: Sollux, w)(y do YOU )(ave suc)( a problem wit)( t)(is?? It's just a little )(armless s)(ipping!
FTA: the problem ii2 ii'm fiine the way my 2hiips are riight now.
FTA: and ii don't want 2ome crazy roleplayiing broad wreckiing my liife iin the name of her weiird real liife fanfiiction 2hiit.
CAC: :33 < im taking purrent ships into consideration!
CAC: :33 < and im not gonna go around forcefurry sinking them with my heart pawers like some kind of sepurration ninja vice grip pinching your hate stem!
CAC: :33 < if i really want to sink your ship, ill just start with some purrobing questions, and only resort to romantic comedy-esque shenanigans if things become despurrate
CAC: :33 < and furankly, if your relationship cant stand up to a few simple questions, maybe it just wasnt meant to be in the furst place!
PAST caligulasAquarium [PCA] 3 DAYS AGO responded to memo.
PCA: yeah wwhats the fuckin problem sol
PCA: you scared your little liaison wwith my ex moirail is gonna collapse like the house a fuckin bullshit cards it is
FTA: haha wow, ed'2 accu2iing ME of beiing iin2ecure.
FTA: 2eriiou2ly, iit'2 liike you pulled thii2 argument 2traiight from the defiiniitiion of hypocrii2y.
FTA: ju2t fliipped through the diictiionary untiil you found a piicture of your2elf, de2perately clutchiing a paiir of goggle2.
FCC: O)( for cod's sake, you two, don't start t)(is again!
PCA: pipe dowwn fef this practically doesnt evven concern you at this point
FCC: )(A)(A)(A WOW, ---ERIDAN, YOU'R---E SO GLUBBING FUNNY!!!!
FCC: Well fluke t)(is, I'm outta )(ere!
FCC: And for t)(e record, it's still a fantastic idea!!!
FCC: GLUB GLUB GLUB! >38U
FCC ceased responding to memo.
FTA: wow, way two go, ed. really worked the charm on that one.
PCA: shut your fuckin mouth mustardblood this wwouldnt evven be an issue if you hadnt poisoned her against me wwith your bullshit dyin and revvivvin gambit
FTA: oh yeah, ii DELIIBERATELY got my2elf kiilled by beiing 2tuck on alterniia whiile a dyiing horrorterror melted my fuckiing braiin.
FTA: whatever, ii 2aiid my piiece, ii'm not goiing two 2tiick around to argue wiith a delu2iional hiip2ter 2ea douche.
FTA ceased responding to memo.
PAG: Hahahahahahahaha, wow.
PAG: That has to 8e the most pathetic display of romantic incompetence I've ever seen.
PCA: oh PLEASE vvris like youre any fuckin better
PCA: i see the wway youre blackflirtin wwith sol and i dont knoww if youre actually wwaxin for him or if youre just tryin to make me jealous but either wway its flippin LAUGHABLE
PAG: Oh my God, Ampora, you're so full of shit that any moment now, you're going to go off like a time 8om8 and paint your whole shitty planet purple.
CCG: OH FOR FUCK'S SAKE.
CCG: LOOK, WHATEVER GODAWFUL QUADRANT THIS IS, COULD YOU TWO ASSHOLES WORK IT OUT SOMEWHERE ELSE?
PCA: look kar i really need to talk to you
PCA: im just sittin on my lousy fuckin planet killin angels and drinkin faygo and i got fuckin nobody to talk to about all this searious shit thats happenin to me cmon
CCG: OKAY SHITSTAIN, YOU WANT ME TO TALK TO YOU?
CCG: FINE, HERE ARE SOME GENUINE, HONEST-TO-FUCKING-HATE WORDS STRAIGHT FROM MY LIPS TO YOUR STUPID SEA-DWELLER HEADFINS:
CCG: STOP KILLING YOUR FUCKING CONSORTS, STOP WASTING OUR GRIST UNLESS YOU'RE GOING TO KILL SOMETHING THAT ACTUALLY FUCKING DROPS IT,
CCG: AND FOR GOD'S SAKE, STOP DRINKING THAT CLOWN PISS YOU CALL FAYGO, YOU MISERABLE PILE OF FUCK.
PCA: okay seariously
PCA: wwhys evverybody alwways talkin shit on faygo
PCA: its just soda
PCA: ivve been messin wwith the alchemiter and some a these flavvors are pretty fuckin good
CCG: NO NO NO I AM NOT TALKING ABOUT THIS SHIT AGAIN.
CCG: IN CASE YOU DIDN'T NOTICE, ASSHOLE, THIS IS THE FUTURE.
CCG: AND I'VE BEEN TALKING TO YOU ABOUT YOUR STUPID FUCKING PROBLEMS AND DESPERATELY TRYING TO GET YOU TO STOP DRINKING THAT GODAWFUL SLUDGE FOR THE PAST THREE DAYS.
CCG: HEY, HERE'S A FANTASTIC FUCKING IDEA! WHY DON'T YOU TALK TO NEPETA?
CCG: I'M SURE SHE'S ECSTATIC AT THE THOUGHT OF LISTENING TO YOUR PATHETIC WHINING.
CAC: :33 < er...
CAC: :33 < i mean, i will if i have to!
PCA: ugh
PCA: i was hopin to avvoid returnin to the scene a that particular crime against the quadrants for the rest a my days
PAG: W8, what?
PAG: Oh my God, Eridan, did you seriously try to hook up with Nepeta????????
PAG: Aaaaaaaahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!
PCA: look it made sense at the time ok
CAC: :33 < okay lets talk about something else now!
CAC: :33 < anything else
PCA: cmon nep you didnt evven givve me a fuckin chance
CAC: XOO < WE ARE NOT TALKING ABOUT THIS!!!
PCA: yknoww youd think after savvin a girls life and bringin her lusus back from the fuckin dead shed be a little fuckin GRATEFUL
CAC: XOO < NO NO NO NO NO
CAC banned PCA from responding to memo.
CCG: NEPETA, I AM SO SORRY, I HAD NO IDEA.
CCG: I THOUGHT HITTING ON A BRAIN-DAMAGED CAT GIRL WAS BENEATH EVEN HIM, BUT I GUESS HE JUST TOOK A FLYING LEAP UP THE DOUCHELADDER EVER SINCE FEFERI DROPPED HIM LIKE A SACK OF SHITTY HIPSTER POTATOES.
CAC: XOO < THIS IS STILL A THING WE ARE NOT TALKING ABOUT!!!
PAG: Hahahahahahahaha, if you actually want to get that guy's rel8ionship 8ullshit under control, you're gonna need all the luck in the world.
PAG: Too 8ad it's all mine!!!!!!!! >::::D
CAC: :33 < yeah, i think ill deal with him later
CAC: :33 < like
CAC: :33 < furever later
PAG: Some people just can't 8e helped.
PAG: And some people are just so awesome, they don't NEED any help!
CCG: LIKE NOT YOU.
PAG: Like m--oh fuck you Karkat!!!!!!!!
CCG: SO I TAKE IT YOU'RE THE FORMER, THEN.
PAG: Look, unlike the rest of you gru8s, I can sort out my own rel8ionship affairs without the help of some pathetic kittycat roleplayer girl!
CAC: :33 < really? so youve already got efurrything figured out?
PAG: Yep, I've got a 8ig secret plan and everything!
PAG: And once it all unfolds, everything will fall into place and I'll fill all the quadrants!
PAG: All of them!!!!!!!!
CAC: :33 < ok, so whats this big secret plan of yours?
PAG: Well, if I TOLD you, it wouldn't be very secret, would it????????
CAC: :33 < well, could you spare a few details in purrivate?
CAC: :33 < maybe we could work on it together!!
PAG: No, I can't divulge a single 8it, 8ecause if I do, you'll pro8a8ly just screw it up!!!!!!!!
CCG: HEY NEPETA, I'LL GIVE YOU A LITTLE HINT.
CCG: THE SECRET PLAN IS SHE HAS NO SECRET PLAN, BECAUSE SHE'S SECRETLY COMPLETELY FULL OF SHIT.
PAG: Shut the fuck up, Karkat!!!!!!!!
CCG: WHY, WHAT'S YOUR ACTUAL PLAN, TO SWEEP EVERYONE OFF THEIR FEET WITH YOUR WINNING PERSONALITY?
CCG: IN CASE YOU DIDN'T NOTICE, VRISKA, EVERYONE KIND OF FUCKING HATES YOU. AND NOT EVEN IN A CALIGINOUS WAY.
CCG: MOST OF US EITHER WANT TO MURDER YOU OR JUST KIND OF FIND YOU ANNOYING.
PAG: What the fuck do you know???????? There are people who like me!!!!!!!!
CCG: NAME FUCKING ONE.
PAG: Kanaya likes me!
CCG: SHE'S YOUR MOIRAIL, SHE'S OBLIGATED TO LIKE YOU.
CCG: AND FRANKLY I DON'T EVEN THINK SHE WANTS TO BE YOUR MOIRAIL ANYMORE, SO SHOWS YOU HOW MUCH THAT'S WORTH.
PAG: What? 8ullshit!!!!!!!!
PAG: Anyway, Tavros likes me! I know he does!
CCG: YOU THREW HIM OFF A GODDAMNED CLIFF, YOU FUCKING IDIOT, WHY THE FUCK WOULD HE LIKE YOU.
PAG: Oh come oooooooon, I m8de it up to him!
CCG: NEWS FLASH, VRISKA: GIVING SOMEBODY WHOSE LEGS YOU BROKE A WHEELCHAIR DOESN'T COUNT AS "MAKING IT UP" TO THEM.
CCG: EVEN IF IT IS A REALLY BADASS WHEELCHAIR.
PAG: What the fuck ever! He totally loved it, and now we're adventuring together and 8eing awesome, so you can just deal with it!!!!!!!!
CCG: HOLY SHIT, VRISKA, YOU ARE COMPLETELY DELUSIONAL.
CCG: HE DOESN'T LIKE YOU LIKE THAT. AT ALL.
CCG: NOT EVEN A LITTLE.
CCG: OR ARE YOU FORGETTING THAT HE TOLD ME ABOUT THE PUPA PAN INCIDENT?
CAC: :33 < the what?
PAG: K8rk8t, if y8u s8y an8ther w8rd, y8u'r8 g8ing to f8nd y8urs8lf sl8tting y8ur thr8at with y8ur 8wn s8ckl8!!!!!!!!
CCG: AHAHAHA, OKAY FINE.
CCG: I'LL JUST SAY THIS: IT'S AS EXACTLY AS PATHETIC AS IT SOUNDS.
PAG: F8ck y8u!!!!!!!!
CCG: OKAY, SO ANYBODY ELSE? OR IS IT JUST THOSE TWO?
PAG: Karkat, I'm not gonna sit here and name aaaaaaaall the people who like me just for your amusement!!!!!!!!
CCG: SO THAT'S A NO.
CAC: :33 < i like you, vwiskers!
CCG: WHAT, WHY THE FUCK DO YOU LIKE HER.
CAC: :33 < beclaws even though she acts mean and nasty all the time, i know d33p down shes really a good purrson!
CCG: NO SHE FUCKING ISN'T, SHE'S A HORRIBLE PERSON.
CCG: SHE'S A MASS MURDERING BITCH WHO FEEDS PEOPLE TO SPIDERS AND MAIMS HER OWN FRIENDS FOR HER AMUSEMENT.
PAG: Yeah, all those things Karkat just said are true, and I don't even care, 8ecause they're all reasons why I'm completely awesome!
CAC: :33 < well if youre such a bad purrson, then why did you help tavros?
CAC: :33 < and why did equius tell me you were planning to steal aradias robot body and give it to her yourself?
CAC: :33 < why would you do ANY of that unless you felt bad fur what you did to them??
PAG: I have my reasons and they're my own, okay?! So just can it!
CAC: :33 < vwiskers, i just want to help!
PAG: What are you gonna do, w8ve your magic fairy shipping wand and hope some8ody falls in love with me?
CAC: :33 < no!! theres no magic involved whatsoefur!
CAC: :33 < im just going to use my shipping pawers to s33 people youd be compawtible with that you might not even have thought of
CAC: :33 < then ill use my status as a neutral purrty to subtly push and prod you towards each other!
CCG: AND, FAILING THAT, SHE WILL APPARENTLY RESORT TO ROMANTIC COMEDY-ESQUE SHENANIGANS.
CAC: :33 < yes, thank you karkitty!
CCG: SO PLEASE FAIL THAT, BECAUSE THAT SOUNDS FUCKING AMAZING IN THE WORST POSSIBLE WAY.
PAG: It sounds fucking stupid is what it sounds like!!!!!!!!
CAC: :33 < itll be pawesome, youll s33!
CAC: :33 < ill pair all you trolls together so hard, you wont even know what hit you!
CAC: :33 < and then, after its all said and done and youre rolling in a big pile of all the red f33lings you could ever want, youre gonna look back and think, "man, how stupid i was to deny nepetas pawesome heart pawers????????"
PAG: Yeah, if I ever find myself using idiotic cat puns, I'll just hang myself, thanks.
FUTURE gallowsCalibrator [FGC] 5 DAYS FROM NOW responded to memo.
FGC: >8D
FGC: HOW TH1CK 4ROUND W4S YOUR N3CK 4G41N VR1SK4?
PAG: What?
FGC: H3H3H3
PAST grimAuxiliatrix [PGA] 2:00 HOURS AGO responded to memo.
PGA: Thirteen And One Quarter Inches
FGC: 4H, TH4NK YOU K4N4Y4
PGA: Always Glad To Help
PAG: Hey, wh8t the h8ll!!!!!!!!
FGC: DONT WORRY VR1SK4, 1LL M4K3 1T SHORT3R TH4N TH4T
FGC: 1 KNOW YOU L1K3 1T 4 L1TTL3 SNUG >8]
FGC: H3H3H3H3H3H3H3
FGC ceased responding to memo.
PAG: Gr8, Kanaya, thanks a lot for giving out the circumference of my neck to our resident noose enthusiast! Really fucking appreci8 that!!!!!!!!
PAG: Why don't you just give out important details of my anatomy to any nutjo8 who asks????????
PGA: Really Vriska How Do You Know She Isnt Simply Making You A Nice Ascot
PGA: Or Perhaps A Striking Cerulean Cravat
CAC: :33 < h33 h33, or maybe a cat collar with a little bell on it!!
PAG: Arrrrrrrrgh, shut uuuuuuuup!!!!!!!!
PAG: Look, this whole shipping plan is stupid, okay? It's stupid and it's dum8 and it's all a 8ig w8ste of time!!!!!!!!
PGA: You Have Voiced This Opinion Several Times In This Very Memo
PGA: And Yet Here You Are Still Responding
PGA: You Realize You Could Just Sign Off At Any Time Right
CAC: :33 < yeah vwiskers, why are you still here if you think my idea is so dumb??
CAC: :33 < i think maybe youre sticking around beclaws you want some advice!
PAG: Aaaaaaaahahahahahahahaha, yeah right!!!!!!!!
PAG: I'm fine! I've got my romantic life under control!
PAG: I don't need your help finding a moirail, 8ecause I already have one!
PAG: And I don't need your help finding a m8sprit, 8ecause I've got irons in the fire, okay?!
PAG: Frankly, the fact that any of these other douche8ags need any advice at all is kind of em8arrassing!
CCG: AND JUST HOW ARE YOU GOING TO MAKE TAVROS FORGET THAT YOU'RE A NARCISSISTIC PSYCHOPATH WHO BROKE HIS LEGS AND MAKE HIM FLUSHED FOR YOU?
PAG: I never said it was Tavros!
PAG: And even if it was, it's none of your fucking 8usiness!!!!!!!!
CAC: :33 < i know youre already in a meowrallegiance with kanaya
CAC: :33 < but is it working out?
CAC: :33 < you dont sound like youre furry happy with her ://
PAG: What? We're gr8! Never 8een 8etter!
PAG: So why don't you just 8ug off and keep your stupid catgirl snout out of my love life!!!!!!!!
PGA: Really
PGA: Are Those The Particular Words You Would Use To Describe The State Of Our Relationship
PAG: Yeah, I don't know, whatever!
PGA: Thats Interesting
PGA: Considering That In The Past Several Days You Havent Attempted To Contact Me Once
PGA: And A Grand Majority Of My Attempts At Communicating With You Have Been Ignored
PAG: So what, just 8ecause you're my moirail means you always need to 8e 8ugging and fussing and meddling in my affairs????????
PGA: Not Always
PGA: But Its Generally Assumed That There Is Some Sort Of Bare Minimum Of Imposition Involved Which We Have Collectively Failed Utterly To Meet
PAG: God, Kanaya, why don't you just air out all our dirty laundry while you're at it?
PGA: I Would Prefer To Discuss This Sort Of Thing In Private
PGA: If Only There Were Some Specifically Designated Person With Which I Could Express My Feelings
PAG: What the hell is that supposed to mean????????
PGA: Urrgh Just
PGA: Nevermind
PGA ceased responding to memo.
CCG: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA WOW.
CCG: NEPETA, I THINK YOU AND YOUR SWEATY STACK OF SHIT MOIRAIL NEED TO STEP UP YOUR GAME, BECAUSE THESE TWO ARE ABOUT TO GIVE YOU SOME SERIOUS COMPETITION FOR BEST PALEMATES IN FUCKING PARADOX SPACE.
PAG: Sh8t the f8ck 8p K8rk8t!!!!!!!!
PAG: W8ll, gr8 j8b, Nep8ta!!!!!!!! W8y to g8!!!!!!!!
PAG: G8d, I tho8ght y8u wer8 try8ng t8 h88k pe8pl8 8p, not 8r8k th8m 8p!!!!!!!!
CAC: :33 < im not!!! :((
CAC: :33 < kanaya, if youre still reading this, just talk to me in two hours, okay?
PAG: 8h ye8h, t8lk to h8r s8me m8re, th8t'll r8ally h8lp!!!!!!!!
CCG: YEAH, YOU KNOW WHAT, DO EXACTLY THAT.
CCG: IN FACT, JUST DEAL WITH ALL OF VRISKA'S BULLSHIT RIGHT NOW.
PAG: Wh8t!!!!!!!! Why????????
CCG: BECAUSE IF THIS IS GOING TO BECOME AN ACTUAL THING, I DON'T WANT YOU CONSTANTLY FLOODING THESE MEMOS WITH YOUR SELF-OBSESSED BULLSHIT.
CCG: SO NEPETA, AS YOUR LEADER, I AM ORDERING YOU TO SHIP THE FUCK OUT OF VRISKA THIS INSTANT.
CCG: SHOWER HER WITH SO MANY SHIPS THAT SHE WON'T KNOW WHAT TO FUCKING DO WITH THEM.
CAC: :33 < h33 h33, sir yes sir!!
PAG: N8!!!!!!!! Th8s is 8ullsh8t!!!!!!!!
PAG: I 8lready t8ld y8u I d8n't w8nt your f8cking h8lp, 8kay????????
PAG: So just ST8Y TH8 F8CK O8T 8F M8 L8F8!!!!!!!!
CAC: :33 < ill show you vwiskers!
CAC: :33 < ill make you happy even if i have to drag you kicking and screaming the whole way!
PAG: W8ll, y8u W8LL!!!!!!!!
PAG: S8 j8st F8CK 8FF!!!!!!!!!
PAG ceased responding to memo.
CAC: :33 < okay, vwiskers is now purriority number one!
CAC: :33 < all other shipping activities are to be suspended until opurration: closing the serket is complete!
CAC: :33 < this wont be easy, but i think i know juuuust where to start...
CAC: :33 < *the rogue unfurls her wings and flies away, an epic shipping gambit already being furmulated in her mind*
CAC ceased responding to memo.
CCG: OH MY GOD THIS IS GOING TO BE FUCKING HILARIOUS.
CCG ceased responding to memo.
CAC closed memo.

***

Nepeta had her work cut out for her, that much was certain. She knew from the moment the idea for her great work entered her head that it wouldn't be easy, but starting with Vriska of all people? This was going to take all of her strengths as a shipper, she knew. It would take perseverance, and empathy, and more than a little cunning...

And perhaps most important of all, it would take refreshments.

Nepeta spun and leapt from her seat, plucking a few of her land's sugary cubes from her desk (the little things seemed to get everywhere) before traipsing over to her tea set. The conversation with the spidertroll (and weren't there some other people in there too? She had very nearly forgotten) had left her mentally drained, and she desperately needed the precise mixture of caffeine and sugar that only her kettle could provide. She poured herself a cup of the mystery brew--she wasn't sure exactly what kind it was, as she'd collected it directly from one of the many streams and rivers that flowed throughout her planet--and plunked two of the cubes in before taking a long sip. The beverage's effect was nigh-instantaneous, and she felt a pleasant energy surging through her body in great waves.

So enthralled was she in her tea-drinking ritual that she very nearly didn't notice a new Trollian window popping up on her grubtop. But seeing the line of jade text appear on the screen... and then another... and then another (oh, Kanaya) immediately snapped her out of her trance. Once again bright and alive and full of energy, and now faced with a friend in desperate need of a pleasant conversation, she practically pounced into her chair, ready to tackle anything paradox space could throw at her.

grimAuxiliatrix [GA] began trolling arsenicCatnip [AC].

GA: I Apologize For Leaving Your Memo So Melodramatically
GA: I Had Wished To Speak With Vriska But I Afraid I May Have Allowed My Frustration With Her To Get The Best Of Me
GA: In Any Case I Continued To Read It Until The End
GA: And While I Can See That It Will Most Likely Be An Arduous Task I Agree With Karkats Assessment That You Should Deal With All Of Her Quote Self Obsessed Bullshit End Quote First
GA: If This Is In Fact Your Intended Course Of Action I Will Be Happy To Assist In Any Way I Can
GA: Nepeta Are You There
AC: :33 < yes sorry!!! i was just getting some tea
GA: Oh Of Course
GA: I Can See Why You Would Require Refreshments After Such A Long And Enervating Conversation
AC: :33 < yeah, it was a doozy!
AC: :33 < i wanted to talk about some of my ships and how id be going around asking people questions
AC: :33 < but the whole thing just degenerated into vwiskerschat!
GA: Yes Vriskachat Is A Thing That Tends To Happen
GA: Any Conversation That Goes On Long Enough Tends To Be Pulled Into The Insurmountable Gravitational Pull Of Her Ultramassive Ego
GA: And Then Falls Into The Event Horizon From Which No Light Or Meaningful Discussion Can Escape
GA: Its Sort Of Like The Coriolis Effect
GA: With The Bonus Punchline That This Comparison Implies The World Revolves Around Her Thus Once Again Referencing Her Overly Uncritical View Of Herself
AC: :33 < ://
AC: :33 < you sound like youre purretty mad at her
GA: Sorry
GA: I Just Havent Had An Opportunity To Discuss This With Anyone
GA: Most People Arent Overly Eager To Talk About Vriska Believe It Or Not
AC: :33 < yeah, i can s33 why
AC: :33 < after that confursation im not really too excited to talk about her even more
AC: :33 < but i have my orders so i guess i have to!
GA: Of Course
GA: Everyone Has An Important Job To Do
AC: :33 < yes!
AC: :33 < even if you have to make up a job fur yourself to do!
AC: :33 < but is it okay if we talk spurrcifically about your meowrallegiance with her?
GA: I Suppose So
GA: It Is The Proverbial Earmammoth In The Block At This Point
GA: And Until We Deal With It It Will Burden Us With Its Demanding Diet And Large And Difficult To Dispose Of Leavings
GA: Not To Mention Causing General Distress To Hive Guests With Its Oversized Posterior And Its Abnormally Shaped Ashen Reproductive Organs
GA: What Spurrcifically Did You Want To Talk About
GA: I Mean Specifically
AC: :33 < h33 h33! X33
AC: :33 < anyway, i just wanted to ask how it was working out
AC: :33 < no offense, but it s33ms pretty dysfunctional
GA: No Its True
GA: It Wasnt Even Really Working Out Before The Game Started
GA: But Since We Entered Things Have Only Gotten Worse
GA: We Hardly Ever Speak And What Few Conversations We Do Have Are Brief And Confrontational
GA: I Think
GA: I Think She Might Resent Me For All The Times I Tried To Hold Her Back
AC: :33 < im not sure thats true!
GA: You Arent
AC: :33 < well, she s33med really upset when you left the memo
AC: :33 < she s33med really afuraid that you were actually going to break up with her
AC: :33 < so i think she still cares about you, shes just confused
GA: Really
GA: Well
GA: Maybe Its My Fault
GA: I Think Ive Been Much Shorter With Her Ever Since
GA: Well Since She Started Pursuing Tavros
AC: :33 < is it okay if i ask what the deal with that is?
GA: I Suppose
GA: Shes Been Infatuated With Him For Some Time Now
GA: But She Cant Seem To Decide If Her Feelings For Him Are Red Or Black
GA: And He Hasnt Reciprocated Any Of Her Advances Of Any Color
GA: Which Isnt Really Helping Matters
GA: Youd Probably Be Better Off Asking Him About It
GA: I Try My Best To Ignore The Whole Situation
AC: :33 < yeah, ill purrobably talk to him after this
AC: :33 < but fur now, i guess i should ask...
AC: :33 < do you want to try to work things out with vwiskers?
GA: I
GA: Well
GA: I Do
GA: But In Truth
GA: I Dont Think
GA: I Want To Be Her Moirail Anymore
AC: :33 < really??
GA: Yes
AC: :33 < but you still want to be furiends with her?
GA: I
GA: Yes
AC: :33 < well thats purrobably pawssible!
GA: Im Not So Sure
GA: Im Afraid That If I Terminate My Relationship With Her That Shell Hate Me
GA: And I Just
GA: I Dont Want Her To Hate Me
AC: :33 < kanaya, stop me if im wrong here
AC: :33 < but do you really just want to be furiends with vwiskers?
GA: Uh
GA: What Do You Mean
AC: :33 < i mean, do you want to be anything...
AC: :33 < more?
GA: I
GA: Um
GA: Im Not Sure If I Should
GA: Well
AC: :33 < kanaya, i just want to help you!
AC: :33 < but in order fur me to help you, i n33d you to talk to me!
AC: :33 < i wont tell a soul, i swear!
AC: :33 < i guarantee you one hundred purrcent shipper-patient purrivilege!
AC: :33 < so please just talk to me!
GA: Okay Okay
GA: Im
GA: Im Flushed For Her
GA: Im As Flushed For Her As The Rivers Of Lopah And I Have Been Ever Since Probably The First Night I Met Her
GA: And The Only Reason I Ever Wanted To Be Her Moirail Was To Be Close To Her And It Seemed To Be The Best I Could Do
GA: But All I Ever Did Was Bug And Fuss And Meddle In Her Affairs And Never Tried To Stop Her From Doing Dangerous Things Because I Didnt Want Her To Regard Me As An Enemy
GA: But In Being So Permissive I Just Let Her Destroy Her Own Life And Now She Probably Hates Me Even More
GA: And The Pupa Pan Incident Was Just The Culmination Of Just How Much Ive Completely Ruined Everything Between Us And I Just
GA: All I Want Is For Her To Not Hate Me
GA: All I Want Is For Her To
GA: To Love Me
GA: God What Is Wrong With Me
AC: kanaya, kanaya, it's okay!!
AC: theres nothing wrong with you!
AC: and youre not a bad person for becoming her moirail just to be close to her!
AC: you were young and in love and neither of you really knew what it meant to be in a relationship like that!
AC: and even if you hadnt been flushed for her it wouldve been unfair to put such a nice and compassionate and well-adjusted troll in a moirallegiance with someone as dangerous as her!
AC: but its just cruel to ask you to be stern and temperate and even-handed with someone when your heart blinds you to all of their flaws and only lets you see all the wonderful things about them!
AC: and it shouldnt have gone on, but the only reason it did is because people think its only about keeping dangerous trolls in line, when its really so much more than that!
AC: its about understanding someone completely, all of their strengths and all of their flaws, and always wanting to help them, even if you have to hurt them to do it!
AC: and its not fair to ask you to be someones moirail if you cant bring yourself to hurt them even a little!
AC: and i think you deserve to be her matesprit, and i think she deserves to have a matesprit like you, because youre one of the kindest and gentlest and most considerate trolls ive ever known!
AC: and i know she probably loves you too, even if she just doesnt know it yet!
GA: She Does
AC: yes!!!
GA: How Do You Know
AC: because even after everything youve endured, after everything shes put you through, you dont hate her, and she knows it!
AC: and even after all the bugging and fussing and meddling youve subjected her to, she hasnt tried to end your relationship!
AC: and maybe at times shes said she hates you, but she just meant she hates you as a moirail!
AC: and if she hates you as a moirail, what else could be keeping her from just up and leaving you?
GA: You Mean
GA: You Think That Her Trepidation To End Our Pale Relationship May Be Caused In Some Part By Her At Least Subconsciously
GA: Reciprocating My True Feelings For Her
AC: exactly!!!
GA: Hm
GA: I Hadnt Thought Of It That Way
AC: shell love you back, i know she will!
AC: just trust me!
GA: Yes
GA: I Think Trusting You Is The Right Thing To Do
GA: I Dont Know Exactly How Much Of What You Just Said Is True
GA: But I Think I Needed To Hear All Of It
GA: So
GA: Thank You Nepeta
AC: :33 < h33 h33, no purroblem!
AC: :33 < im always happy to help a furiend in n33d!
GA: I Appreciate It
GA: And Im Really Sorry For Being So Melodramatic About This
AC: :33 < romance is serious business! its okay to be melodramatic about it!
GA: Yes I Suppose So
GA: Ill Admit At First I Wasnt Certain Exactly How Seriously To Take You On This Whole Ordeal
GA: But It Seems I Underestimated Your Understanding Of Troll Romance
GA: So I Think Youll Make A Great Matchmaker
GA: For What Little My Word Is Worth
AC: :33 < its worth a lot, kanaya! thank you!
AC: :33 < so i guess i should talk to tavros now
AC: :33 < and then i guess ill have to talk to vwiskers...
GA: I Wouldnt Suggest Speaking To Vriska Immediately
GA: She Has Probably Recovered From Her Previous Doldrum And Currently Believes She Is Infallible
GA: And Shes Pretty Much Impossible To Deal With When Shes Like That
AC: :33 < ugh, yeah, youre right
GA: I Would Suggest Finding Another Point In Time To Bother Her When She Is More Emotionally Susceptible
AC: :33 < yeah, but when will that be?
GA: Its Impossible To Say For Certain
GA: But Such A Vulnerable Mood Could Be Triggered By Any Sufficiently Distressing Occurrence
AC: :33 < would it be pawssible fur such an event to be...
AC: :33 < engin33red?
GA: Um
GA: If Youre Implying The Course Of Action I Believe Youre Implying
GA: I Think That Would Be Adequate
AC: :33 < would you be willing to do that?
GA: If Thats What It Takes
GA: Then Yes
AC: :33 < kanaya, if youre not okay with it, i wont ask you to do it
GA: No
GA: I Think Such A Drastic Action Might Be Necessary
GA: Even If It Pains Me To Do it
AC: :33 < okay, but dont do anything yet
AC: :33 < let me talk to tavros first, okay?
GA: Of Course
AC: :33 < and then together we can furmulate a plan to sw33p miss serket off her f33t and make her horns ofur h33ls flushed fur you!
AC: :33 < it will be CLAWRIOUS
GA: Uh Wow
AC: :33 < what?
GA: I Just Never Imagined You Could Be So
GA: Devious
AC: :33 < why does efurryone k33p saying that??
AC: :33 < im not devious!!!
AC: :33 < well
AC: :33 < okay maybe i am
AC: :33 < but sometimes people are so good at deceiving themselves that you have no choice but to deceive them to make them s33 the truth!
GA: And See
GA: That Was A Genuinely Compelling Observation On An Aspect Of Troll Nature
GA: Nepeta What The Hell Happened To You
AC: :33 < what happened is
AC: :33 < someone gave me a choice!
GA: Thats A Really Cryptic Answer
GA: I Wasnt Even Aware That You Were Capable Of Being Cryptic
AC: :33 < okay, talk to you later, kanaya!

arsenicCatnip [AC] ceased trolling grimAuxiliatrix [GA].

GA: I Suddenly Dont Understand Anything

grimAuxiliatrix [GA] ceased trolling arsenicCatnip [AC].

Nepeta slumped back in her chair. Being emotionally supportive was exhausting work! She'd actually worked up quite a sweat, so she yanked her cat hood off and messed up her hair to shake some of it out. Hoping to quench her sudden thirst, she reached again for her tea cup, but being so caught up in the conversation, she must not have noticed she'd drained it to the last drop. In brazen defiance of every known code of etiquette, she walked over to the tea set, snatched the kettle, and set it down right next to her grubtop. It was going to be a long day.

Before she even thought of speaking to Tavros, she poured herself a cup of brew and took a long, greedy sip. Once again the righteous elixir filled her with zest, and she almost felt herself being buoyed up the wings of a million invisible butterflies, or something equally adorable. Ready to ship once again, she opened the Trollian window, mentally preparing herself for whatever romantic drama bomb Tavros could throw at her.

arsenicCatnip [AC] began trolling adiosToreador [AT].

AC: :33 < *ac hops up on tavroses shoulders and nuzzles against his big cool horns*
AT: oH, uH, hI nEPETA,
AC: :33 < hi tavros!
AC: :33 < *she says, and then stops roleplaying beclaws she wants to talk about serious stuff*
AT: aH, yES, i SUPPOSE IT'S HARD TO BE SERIOUS WHEN,
AT: yOU'RE PRETENDING TO BE A CAT,
AC: :33 < it really is!
AC: :33 < anyway, i guess i should ask first
AC: :33 < did you read my memo?
AT: iF YOU MEAN THE ONE ABOUT SHIPPING, tHEN YES,
AT: i READ THAT ONE A WHILE AGO,
AT: vRISKA WAS YELLING AT ME NOT TO LISTEN TO YOU, iF YOU TALKED TO ME,
AT: wHICH YOU ARE NOW, aND,
AT: i GUESS, uH, i AM ANYWAY,
AT: sO THEN i SAW YOUR MEMO, aND i READ IT,
AT: aND THERE WERE SOME OTHERS TOO, bUT THEY WERE LOCKED, oR SOMETHING,
AT: bUT YES, i READ IT,
AC: :33 < okay, good
AC: :33 < well thank you fur listening to me even though vwiskers told you not to!
AT: yOU'RE WELCOME, i GUESS,
AT: jUST, uH, pLEASE DON'T TELL HER,
AC: :33 < i wont tell her a thing, i purromise!
AT: oKAY, tHANK YOU, fOR PROMISING THAT,
AT: sO i GUESS, uHH, wE HAVE TO TALK ABOUT vRISKA NOW,
AC: :33 < unfurtunately, yes
AC: :33 < whats going on with you and her?
AT: wELL, uH, i THINK SHE'S, uHH,
AT: fLUSHED FOR ME,
AT: oR MAYBE THE OTHER ONE,
AT: tHE BLACK ONE,
AT: aND IT'S, uH, kIND OF UNCOMFORTABLE, rEALLY,
AC: :33 < i can s33 why it would be
AC: :33 < do you have any f33lings fur her?
AT: tHAT'S KIND OF THE THING THAT MAKES IT UNCOMFORTABLE,
AT: i MEAN, i KIND OF LIKE HER, bUT NOT REALLY, uH,
AT: lIKE THAT,
AT: aND i KIND OF HATE HER TOO, i GUESS,
AT: bUT NOT REALLY ALL THAT MUCH, eiTHER,
AC: :33 < you dont hate her all that much?
AC: :33 < really?
AT: yES, i KNOW, sHE DID THE, uH
AT: tHE THING WITH,
AT: mY LEGS,
AT: bUT, wELL, sHE FEELS REALLY BAD ABOUT IT,
AT: i CAN TELL, eVEN THOUGH SHE NEVER, uH, aCTUALLY SAYS IT,
AT: aND SHE TRIED TO MAKE IT UP TO ME, iN HER, uHH,
AT: wELL, hER WEIRD, mESSED UP SORT OF WAY,
AC: :33 < does this have something to do with the pupa pan incident i k33p hearing about?
AT: uHHHHHH,
AT: cAN WE, uHHH,
AT: nOT TALK ABOUT, tHAT, uH,
AT: pARTICULAR THING,
AC: :33 < okay okay fine
AC: :33 < so i guess i should ask
AC: :33 < do you like her?
AT: wELL, uH,
AT: i LIKE THINGS, aBOUT HER
AT: i MEAN, wE GO ON ADVENTURES, aND THOSE ARE FUN,
AT: aND i LIKE THE WAY SHE LIGHTENS UP, wHEN WE DO THAT,
AT: bUT ALL THE OTHER TIMES, sHE'S JUST REALLY INTENSE,
AT: lIKE, sHE'S MEAN, aND NASTY, aND INSULTING,
AT: eVEN WHEN i TRY TO BE NICE TO HER,
AT: aND OTHER TIMES, sHE GETS REALLY HARD ON HERSELF,
AT: aND IF i TRY TO HELP HER, sHE GETS REALLY MAD,
AT: iT'S JUST, iT'S REALLY,
AT: fRUSTRATING, i GUESS,
AC: :33 < hmmm, interesting
AT: iS IT,
AC: :33 < kind of!
AC: :33 < anyway, do you think youre flushed fur her?
AT: i'M, uH, pRETTY SURE i'M,
AT: wELL, nO,
AT: i'M DEFINITELY SURE i'M NOT,
AC: :33 < okay, thats good actually!
AT: uH, iT IS,
AC: :33 < yes!
AC: :33 < ive got another ship fur her flushed quadrant in mind!
AT: uH, wHO IS IT,
AC: :33 < i cant tell you that yet!
AC: :33 < look, i n33d to deal with all of vwiskers relationship stuff furst
AC: :33 < but since shes so dumb about stuff like this, im purrobably gonna have to spurring some sort of elaborate trap on her
AC: :33 < and itd purrobably really help if you were in on it!
AC: :33 < so would you be willing to help me?
AT: sO YOU WANT ME TO HELP YOU,
AT: wITH SOME SORT OF,
AT: sNEAKY ROMANCE AMBUSH,
AT: oN vRISKA,
AC: :33 < yes!
AT: tHAT'S KIND OF, a WEIRD THING,
AT: fOR YOU TO BE PLANNING,
AC: :33 < what do you mean?
AT: iT JUST SEEMS,
AT: rEALLY, uH,
AC: :33 < please dont say devious!
AT: uH,
AT: i WASN'T GOING,
AT: tO, UHH,
AT: sAY THAT,
AC: :33 < then what were you gonna say?
AT: uHHH,
AT: iT'S NOT IMPORTANT,
AC: :33 < well then, will you help me?
AT: wELL, iF WE PERFORM THIS,
AT: sNEAKY, bUT DEFINITELY NOT DEVIOUS,
AT: rOMANCE ATTACK ON vRISKA,
AT: iS SHE GOING TO TRY TO, uH,
AT: rETALIATE, aGAINST US,
AT: oR, pARTICULARLY, uH,
AT: mE,
AC: :33 < no! i wont let her hurt anyone!
AC: :33 < anyway, were gonna wait to do it until a point in time when shes more emotionally susceptible
AC: :33 < so shell purrobably be too busy beating herself up to beat anypawdy else up!
AT: oH, oKAY,
AT: tHAT IS DEFINITELY,
AT: sOME WORD THAT ISN'T DEVIOUS,
AC: :33 < ill admit that purrt is kind of devious
AT: oKAY, gOOD,
AT: bECAUSE IT IS,
AC: :33 < so will you help me?
AT: i THINK i WILL, YES,
AT: vRISKA REALLY DOES NEED HELP,
AT: aND SHE PROBABLY WON'T GET ANY, uNLESS IT'S FORCED UPON HER,
AT: oKAY, tHAT SOUNDED KIND OF DIRTY, aND i SUDDENLY WISH i HADN'T SAID IT,
AT: bUT YES, i'LL HELP YOU,
AC: :33 < thats great! thank you tavros!
AC: :33 < tell you what, ill talk to kanaya
AC: :33 < shes my other accompawlice in all this
AC: :33 < and then well all work together to make a big sneaky plan to get through all of her dumb emotional purroblems and ship ALL of her ships!
AC: :33 < ALL OF THEM
AC: :33 < well, actually just half of them
AT: yES, iT IS PROBABLY BEST,
AT: tO JUST DO THE HALF,
AC: :33 < yeah, i dont really care about the other two quadrants anyway!
AC: :33 < though, i might have an idea fur one of them...
AT: uH, wHAT,
AC: :33 < well talk about it later!
AC: :33 < ive gotta go talk to kanaya!
AT: cAN i ASK ONE QUESTION, rEALLY QUICKLY,
AC: :33 < uh, sure
AT: iS KANAYA, nOT HAPPY WITH HER,
AC: :33 < well
AC: :33 < she doesnt want to be vwiskers meowrail anymore
AC: :33 < but i cant say any more about it until i talk to her!
AT: oKAY, tHAT'S FAIR, i GUESS,
AT: i MEAN, iT'S TERRIBLE, kIND OF,
AT: bUT i GUESS, yOU HAVE A SHIP IN MIND, oR SOMETHING,
AC: :33 < h33 h33, you could say that!
AC: :33 < talk to you soon tavros!
AT: tHAT'S KIND OF, uH,

arsenicCatnip [AC] ceased trolling adiosToreador [AT].

AT: a CRYPTIC ANSWER,
AT: oH, uHH, oKAY,

adiosToreador [AT] ceased trolling arsenicCatnip [AC].

Already the gears were turning in Nepeta's head. Soon, with the help of Tavros and Kanaya, she would plot the sneakiest, most devious (but benevolently so!) shipping attack paradox space had ever known. Vriska would be shipped so utterly and so thoroughly that envelopes full of tiny pieces of her would be spread all throughout the incipisphere. Nepeta would bury her in so many ships, people would think Her Imperious Condescension herself had given the order to conquer her. Working with her friends, she would formulate the perfect plan.

But first, she needed to use the load gaper. All that tea just goes straight through a girl.

Chapter 3: Serket Breaker

Chapter 3

Serket Breaker

"It's done," Kanaya said with a sigh as she shut her grubtop.

The three of them, Nepeta, Tavros, and Kanaya, had assembled in Nepeta's hive on the Land of Little Cubes and Tea. They were seated at a small, circular table with one of the planet's native tea sets laid out at its center. Together they had spent the past day planning their sneaky romance ambush on Vriska, and now it was time to put it into action.

"You let her down easy, right?" Nepeta asked, then took an anxious sip of tea.

"I should hope so," said Kanaya, but not without a twinge of guilt in her voice. "I made it clear that I was terminating our moirallegiance because I believed it was harmful to both of us, and specifically not because of any personal dissatisfaction with her."

"Still, I'm sorry to make you do that," Nepeta said.

"It's fine, really. Had I not ended the relationship now, it only would have slowly faded anyway." Kanaya sighed once more and averted her gaze from the table. "Still, I hope she believed me. More than anything, I don't want her to hold it against me."

"Uh, Kanaya," Tavros started, startling the two girls, though not visibly. "I think that if your, uh, moirallegiance wasn't working, it's a good thing that you're ending it. And I think, eventually, at least, she'll realize it was the right thing to do, even if she does hold it against you. I mean, at first."

"Thank you, Tavros," Kanaya said, and bowed to him slightly.

"You, uh... you really like her, right?"

Kanaya drew in her breath. "More than I can express in words."

"That's good," said Tavros, and he cast his vision down at the table. "I think Vriska, uh, probably deserves a matesprit like you, and not a lousy one, like me."

Kanaya leaned over the table towards Tavros, her hands perched on its edge. "Tavros, I think you'll make a fine matesprit. You just need to find the right person."

Tavros looked her in the eye. "Thanks, Kanaya," he said, then averted his gaze once more. "For saying that, I mean. I don't know if it's true, but..."

His self-deprecation was interrupted by an alert from Nepeta's grubtop. "Guys, it's Vwiskers!" she said, and set her tea cup down, settling both hands on the keyboard to deal with the undoubtedly emotional spidertroll.

arachnidsGrip [AG] began trolling arsenicCatnip [AC].

AG: Nep8ta, wh8t the f8ck did y8u s8y to h8r!!!!!!!!
AC: :33 < vwiskers, what are you talking about?
AG: You kn8w what the f8ck I'm t8lking a88ut!!!!!!!! I mean Kan8ya!!!!!!!!
AG: She just 8r8ke 8p with m8!!!!!!!!
AC: :33 < oh no! :((
AC: :33 < i talked to her, but i told her not to do anything yet!
AG: 8ullsh8t!!!!!!!! I KN8W you p8t her up to th8s!!!!!!!!
AC: :33 < i swear i didnt!!
AC: :33 < what did she say?
AG: Some cr8p a8out how it w8s 8ad for 8oth of 8s and how she'd 8een "negl8ctful in her d8ties as a m8ir8il" or some crap like th8t.
AG: And she kept s8ying, "Vr8ska, I don't h8 you, I d8n't h8 you."
AG: 8ullshit!!!!!!!! If she d8esn't h8 me, why w8uld she 8r8k up w8th me????????
AC: :33 < i dont know, but i know she doesnt hate you!
AG: Of c8urse she h8tes me! Why w8uldn't she h8 me?
AG: She's alw8ys 8ugging and fussing and m8ddling with me, 8nd she pro8a8ly just got s8ck of it and s8id, "F8ck it, I'm d8ne with Spidertr8ll!!!!!!!!"
AG: "Just k8ck her to th8 cur8, just l8ke ev8ry8ody else alre8dy h8s!!!!!!!!"
AC: :33 < its not like that at all!!
AG: Th8n why????????
AG: I figured of 8ll the trolls in the w8rld, at least Kanaya would alw8ys 8e a8le to put 8p with me.
AG: And even though she w8s always 8ugging me and messing with my pl8ns........
AG: I already kind of miss her.
AG: ::::(
AC: :33 < vwiskers, i think you really n33d someone to talk to right now
AC: :33 < i mean, in purrson
AC: :33 < so why dont you come ofur to my hive?
AC: :33 < we can drink tea and talk about your purroblems
AC: :33 < and itll be pleasant and relaxing and i think itll be really helpfur!
AG: No!!!!!!!! I'm not going over to your stupid hive to have a little tea party with you!!!!!!!!
AC: :33 < then what are you gonna do?
AG: I don't know, I'll........
AG: ........I'll just sit on LOMAT and fucking mope to myself, I guess, since every8ody hates me.
AC: :33 < vwiskers, i already told you i like you
AG: 8ullshit.
AC: :33 < im serious!
AG: Well........
AG: This isn't a part of some stupid trick, is it?
AC: :33 < vwiskers, all i want is to share a warm befurage with you and help you with your relationship purroblems
AG: ........
AG: Okay, fine.
AC: :33 < yes!!! thank you vwiskers!
AC: :33 < you wont regret it, i swear!!
AG: I'll 8e the judge of that!
AG: Just to 8e clear, I'm only doing this 8ecause I literally have no8ody else to talk to.
AG: So don't think we're suddenly friends or something, okay?
AC: :33 < whatefur you say, vwiskers
AG: I'll 8e over in a little 8it.
AC: :33 < thats fine!
AC: :33 < efurrything will be ready when you get here
AG: And if you tell any8ody a8out this, I swear I'll kill you.
AC: :33 < ill k33p that in mind!
AG: And Nepeta?
AC: :33 < yeah?
AG: ........
AG: Thanks.
AC: :33 < hey, no purroblem!
AC: :33 < anything to help a furiend in n33d!
AG: Yeah, whatever.
AC: :33 < s33 you in a bit!
AG: Eh.

arachnidsGrip [AG] ceased trolling arsenicCatnip [AC].

"Alright, she'll be here in a bit!" Nepeta said, closing the chat window. "And that means you guys need to get out of here!"

"Okay," said Tavros, and backed his rocket chair away from the table. "I really hope this works..."

Kanaya rose and began to leave, but stopped and turned to Nepeta. "Nepeta... are you sure you're ready to do this?"

"Please," Nepeta said, and she cracked her knuckles. "I was hatched fur this kind of thing."

***

Nepeta had been tidying up the cave--picking up loose hides, wiping up the blood smears all over the floors, even sweeping all the little cubes into a great big pile (and then captchaloguing it--didn't want to send any pale signals here)--when she glanced out the window and saw a faint trail of cerulean sparkles growing in the distance. Vriska was here.

As she approached the front door--she was suddenly glad she'd added a door to what was once simply a giant hole--she briefly wondered if she was doing the right thing. She'd broken up Vriska's moirallegiance just to put her in a vulnerable mood--and if she was wrong about her feelings about Kanaya, she'd have ruined their relationship forever. But her heart told her she was right, and if she couldn't trust her heart, what could she trust?

Nepeta took a deep breath and opened the door. Outside she saw Vriska fluttering to the ground, so she ran out and waved to her enthusiastically. "Hi, Vwiskers!" Vriska withdrew her wings back into her jacket--she'd swapped her Thief of Light attire for her original outfit, slightly modified to accommodate her new protrusions--and threw a single arm in the air briefly in a halfhearted wave.

"So how was your trip?" she asked, just trying to make conversation.

"Well, I didn't see Kanaya, so that's..." Vriska started, but trailed off, her thought dying somewhere in the gap between bitterness and regret. Nepeta immediately felt bad for asking.

"Look, let's... go in my hive, and you just make yourself at home," Nepeta said, desperate to change the subject. "I'll make you some tea." She grabbed Vriska's wrist, as if to make the invitation binding, and half-dragged her into her hive.

"I guess this place isn't bad for a hole in the ground," Vriska said as she took a seat at the table, and Nepeta was glad she was at least trying to be polite.

"I tried to clean up a little, but I guess some of the bloodstains have set in," she said, and laughed to herself, earning her a cocked eyebrow from Vriska. She went ahead and poured them both a cup of tea, dropping two little cubes into her cup. "Would you like any sugar?"

Vriska picked up her cup and took a quick swig. "No thanks. It's too sweet already."

"Yeah, it's all a little sweet around here," Nepeta admitted, taking a sip of hers. She shivered a little as the sugary brew took its usual effect on her. They both continued drinking, and an awkward silence settled over the table.

Vriska was the one to break the silence. "So what are we supposed to talk about?"

Nepeta had been nursing her cup of tea close to her mouth, but now she set it down and put her curled her hands together on the table. "Well, we're suppawsed to talk about your purroblems."

"Well, you know what my purroblem is," Vriska said, emphasizing the pun mockingly. "It's Kanaya breaking up with me."

"Well, maybe I should ask..." Nepeta started, carefully considering how to phrase the next question. "Why is that a purroblem?"

Vriska glared at her, "What you mean, why is that a purroblem? She's my moirail! We're not supposed to just break up!"

"Look, did Kanaya say why she wanted to end your meowrallegiance?" Nepeta asked.

"Yeah, but she just said some bullshit about being bad for both of us," Vriska said, looking away and flipping her arms in the air in frustration, "and about how she was a bad moirail or something. Whatever!"

"Do you think she was a bad meowrail?" Nepeta asked with genuinely curiosity.

"I don't know," Vriska said, and crossed her arms, still not making eye contact. "What's a good moirail supposed to do, anyways? Stop me from doing bad things? Because she sure didn't do that!" She rolled her eyes, trying to seem dismissive, but still obviously hurt.

"That's the common conception," Nepeta said, "but I think there's more to it than that."

"Like what?" Vriska said, once again looking Nepeta in the eyes. "Am I supposed to stop her from doing bad things, too? Stop Little Miss Well-Adjusted over in her tower in the middle of the fucking desert from subjecting the world to her awful rainbow drinker fanfiction?"

"No!" said Nepeta a little too loudly, startling Vriska, if only momentarily. "It's about more than just holding each other back! It's about listening to each other and understanding each other, and knowing all the good and bad things about each other! And it's about always wanting your moirail to improve and never taking any stupid excuses, and always wanting to help them, even if you have to hurt them a little to do it!"

Vriska was taken aback by her sudden speech and scrambled to react to it. "Well, we weren't that, okay?!" she said, her voice suddenly taking on a sharp edge. "But even if we weren't... God, I don't know." She leaned over the table, staring into her teacup.

"Vriska, your moirallegiance was a sham to begin with," Nepeta said, her voice filled with scorn she wasn't aware she was capable of. "Kanaya ending it was just a formality."

"You don't understand!" Vriska shouted, suddenly rising from her seat and looking Nepeta dead in the eyes. "Kanaya was the only person I had left!" She continued to stare for a moment, then broke off, pacing around with her hands clenched in front of her. "After all the stupid things I've done, she was the only person who actually cared about me. Now that she's gone, I don't have anything." She let out a disgusted sigh. "Even Tavros doesn't want me, and I've practically been throwing myself at him."

"Vriska, there are still people who care about you," Nepeta said, knowing she was right.

"Bullshit!" Vriska turned to her and shouted. "Like who? And don't even say it's you! A day ago you hated me just as much as everybody else, and now the only reason you care is because of your stupid little shipping game!"

"It isn't a game, Vriska!" Nepeta shouted, and rose from her seat as well. "I seriously want to help you!"

"Well, you can't!" Vriska fired back, and turned away from her, facing the wall. "It's too late for me. I just..." She looked at the ground and sighed. "I fucked up. I did too many bad things, and now everybody hates me."

Nepeta slowly walked toward her. "It doesn't matter how many bad things you've done, Vriska."

"Of course it does!" Vriska shouted, still staring at the ground. "I'm just a bad person. I'm a fucked up little ball of hate that can't feel anything but black for anybody."

"You're not a bad person, Vriska," Nepeta said, and laid a hand on Vriska's shoulder.

She slapped it off. "Yes I am!"

"No you're not!" Nepeta shouted, and whirled Vriska around, grabbing both her shoulders and looking her in the eyes. "You're a good person, I know you are! And you know how I know? Because if you were a bad person, you wouldn't feel bad about all the bad things you've done! But you feel horrible, and it eats you up inside, and you want to make up for it! And I know you want to be a good person, but you wouldn't want to be a good person unless you already were a good person!"

Nepeta released Vriska's shoulders, and she took a step back. It didn't look like she had a response ready, so Nepeta kept going. "Vriska, it's not your fault the way you are. You were doomed to be messed up from the minute your lusus picked you. I can't imagine how awful it was, being forced to drag trolls to their deaths every day just to avoid being culled. But I think in order to cope, you sort of had to... cut yourself off. You didn't let yourself get attached to anyone, because you knew there was always the possibility that you'd have to kill them just to survive. Or you'd have to kill one of their friends, and then they'd hate you, and you'd have to kill them too. So if anybody tried to get close to you, you'd just drive them away with petty little barbs and insults, and eventually you internalized it that if anybody made a red advance toward you, they were either mocking you or trying to get you killed.

"And that worked, kind of, when you were on Alternia. But you're not on Alternia anymore, and you don't have to kill anyone anymore." Nepeta reached out and grabbed Vriska's hand, then clasped her other hand over it. She expected her to pull away, but her only reaction was to look down at it. "You don't have to be that person anymore, Vriska. You can be the person you've always wanted to be."

Vriska looked up at her, her face full of pain and regret and more than a little bewilderment. "How?" she asked, her voice cracking a little.

"You just need someone to help you," Nepeta said, and she allowed the faintest smile to grace her lips.

"Like who? You?" Vriska asked, then glanced down at their hands. Nepeta suddenly felt a little embarrassed at how supportive she was being, and she released her grip on Vriska's hand. She hoped this didn't count as pale infidelity, then briefly tried to recall if pale infidelity was even a thing. Whatever, she had more important things to worry about.

"No, not me," Nepeta said, her mouth still curled in an enigmatic smile, "but I've got someone in mind." She wandered over to the door and loudly called, "Oh, Tavros!"

Vriska's expression instantly hardened into one of concern. "Wait, what?"

As Tavros drifted into the room on his rocket chair, it changed again, from concern to anger, and she glared at Nepeta furiously. "Nepeta, what the fuck is this?! You said it would be just the two of us!"

"Just give me ten minutes, Vriska, okay?" Nepeta pleaded, hoping she hadn't squandered what goodwill she'd managed to accumulate with her. "Just ten minutes, and then you can do whatever you want. You can even kill me, I don't care!"

Vriska's glare deepened. "I'll give you eight."

"Fine," said Nepeta. "Now please, both of you come to the table."

Vriska took her seat once more, and Tavros slid up at the place across from her. Nepeta settled herself to the side between the two of them. "Uh, hi, Vriska," Tavros said with a little wave.

Vriska just crossed her arms and looked away. "Whatever."

"Now look," said Nepeta, and she curled her hands together on the table's surface. "I don't really know what's going on between you two, and I'm not sure either of you knows what's going on between you two either. So I want all three of us to get to the bottom of it together. And that's why," and she paused to take a deep breath, "I want to be your auspistice."

"What?!" Vriska screamed, and she slammed her fists on the table as she rose from her seat, knocking her teacup over. "No! This is bullshit! We don't need an auspistice!"

"Vriska, please--" Nepeta started, but didn't get to finish.

"No, fuck you!" Vriska interrupted, her eyes suddenly full of anger--and fear. "I thought you were trying to help me! So why the fuck do you want to want to tear me and Tavros apart?!"

"I'm not trying to tear you apart!" Nepeta shouted, rising from her seat to try to meet Vriska at eye level. "I just want to see how you two actually feel about each other! Because right now, just based on what I've heard, your relationship is unstable and uneven and a burden on both of you!"

"It's not a..." Vriska started, but the rest of the sentence couldn't escape her throat for some reason. "I mean..."

"Vriska, I just want you both to get your feelings out in the open," Nepeta said. "Then we'll know what kind of relationship you two have, instead of having to guess."

"Uh, Vriska," Tavros started, and the two girls turned their heads to him. "I think it's a good idea."

"Well, of course you would," Vriska said and sat down once again, slumping back in her chair. "You've never given a shit about me from the very beginning."

Nepeta sat down once more. "Tavros, is that true?" She grabbed an empty teacup and filled it with tea.

"No," Tavros said, and Nepeta deposited the teacup in front of him. He idly picked up a cube and dropped it in.

"Bullshit!" said Vriska, and she leaned over the table towards him. "I've made eight thousand passes at you, red and black both, and you haven't returned a single one!"

"Vriska, I," he stammered, "I have a lot of feelings, about you. But, I mean, they're all, uh, conflicted." He picked up his teacup and took a sip.

Nepeta looked over to him. "What kind of feelings, Tavros?"

"Well," Tavros said, and looked at Vriska, forcing himself to maintain eye contact and occasionally failing. "There are a lot of things I, uh, like about you. I mean, you're brave, and you're confident, and you can be nice, when you want to be. Like, when we go on adventures together, it's fun, because you're not so wound up and angry, like you usually are."

He looked down into his teacup. "I mean, a lot of the time, you're mean and nasty, even when people are just trying to be nice to you. And you always act like a loner, like you don't need anybody, and you push people away, and then you complain about how everyone hates you."

Tavros kept looking down at the table. "But I think..." he started hesitantly, "I think the thing I like least about you... is sometimes, you get in these moods, where you hate yourself, and everyone else, and if anybody tries to help you, you just snap at them, and push them away, and I wish..." He looked up at her. "I wish there was something I could do about it." She returned his glance for a moment, then looked away.

"Thank you, Tavros," Nepeta said, then turned her attention to Vriska. "What about you, Vriska? How do you feel about Tavros?"

Vriska glared at her. "You really want to know? Fine," she said, and turned to Tavros. "Tavros, I hate you. I've hated you since the first day I met you. I hate you because you're weak, and you're stupid, and you're naive, and you're a coward, and you play games for girls, and you believe in stupid shit like fairies. But the thing I hate most about you," and Nepeta could see her arms shaking from how hard she was clenching her fists, "is that after all the hate I've poured into you, you've never hated me back. Never!"

She leaned back from the table and looked away. "And I hate it, because you make it so hard to hate you! You're always so nice and agreeable and never wanting to fight with anybody. You didn't even fight the monsters on your planet! And you're always trying to be nice to me and help me, even when I treat you like shit! And I thought, maybe..." She looked at him briefly, then cast her gaze back down into her teacup. "I thought I might like you. And I thought, maybe, you might like me too. So I tried it. I gave you a shot at being my matesprit, and you just... you fucking blew it!"

Tavros had been looking at her, but he nervously glanced into his teacup. "Vriska, it was just... it was so sudden, and weird, and there's just... there's so much about you that I just, I can't get past."

"I know, I know," Vriska said and leaned her head back over her chair, staring at the ceiling. "No matter what happens, I'll always be the bitch who broke your legs. I don't even know what I was thinking." She sighed. "God, I still don't even know what I'm thinking. There's too much I hate about you for me to like you. And I can't hate you, because you won't hate me back. You're too weak to be my matesprit, and too nice to be my kismesis."

"I'm sorry, Vriska," Tavros said.

"Don't be sorry!" Vriska shouted, and she threw herself upright, clamping her hands on the table and leaning over it towards Tavros. "That's your problem, that you're sorry! You're the sorriest troll I've ever seen!" She took her hands off the table and leaned back into her chair. "I thought if I helped you enough, I could make you stronger, and maybe you'd be good enough to be my matesprit. And I thought if I insulted you enough, you might actually grow a spine and hate me back. But I guess it didn't work."

Nepeta felt the need to interrupt. "So you did both? At the same time?"

"Yeah, I know, it was stupid," Vriska said. "But whenever I tried to help him, I'd just get so frustrated, and ended up insulting him. And whenever I insulted him, he'd just take it, and I'd feel bad about it and want to help him again."

"Do you still want to help him?" Nepeta asked.

Vriska hesitated, flipping her overturned teacup back upright. Nepeta filled it before she finally answered. "Yeah, kind of. I just... I feel bad for him, I guess, I don't know."

Nepeta grinned mischievously and took a long sip of tea. "Then maybe... the two of you should be moirails!"

Vriska's eyes nearly bulged out of their sockets, and even Tavros seemed taken aback by the suggestion. "What?! Are you fucking kidding me?!" Vriska yelled.

"Think about it, Vriska!" Nepeta said. "You like Tavros, right?"

"Well, kind of, but--" Vriska started, but Nepeta completed her thought.

"But you hate that he's weak, and that he's too nice. But you want to change those things, and you want to help him change, right?"

"I guess," said Vriska, still not keen on the idea.

Nepeta turned to Tavros. "And what about you, Tavros? You like Vriska, don't you?"

"Uh, yeah..." Tavros said, trailing off because he knew he'd probably just get interrupted.

"But you hate that she's always so mean, and that she beats herself up over stuff. And you want that to change, right?"

"Yeah, I..." Tavros started, then looked up at Vriska. "I want to help you, like you've been trying to help me."

"So you both want to help each other," Nepeta said, reaching her arms out to point her hands at the two of them. "So you should be moirails! You both hate each other enough to see what's wrong with each other, and you like each other enough that you want to do something about it! It's perfect!"

Vriska seemed to be warming up to the idea, but she was still a little hesitant. "So wait, what exactly would a moirallegiance between us entail?" she asked, then took a swig of tea. "I mean, I've had a moirail before, but this seems... different somehow."

"Look, all you have to do," Nepeta said as she poured herself another cup of tea, "is talk to each other about each other's problems, and about what you think you should do to fix them."

"But it can't be that simple, can it?" Vriska asked. "I mean, what if I try to tell Tavros what to do, how I honestly think he could improve, and he doesn't listen to me?"

"And what if," Tavros interjected, "what if I try to help Vriska, and she just insults me, or tells me I'm stupid?"

"Well," Nepeta said, "you just have to promise each other that you'll listen to each other and give each other equal say, and you have to promise that you'll at least try to follow each other's advice."

"Okay, fine," Vriska said, and turned to fully face Tavros. "Tavros... if you promise that you'll try to listen to my advice and let me help you, then I promise I'll hear you out and try not to be so mean to you."

"Okay, I promise," Tavros said with surprisingly little hesitation. Vriska responded by reaching her fist out over the table. Tavros extended a fist of his own, and they both pushed them together in a gentle bunp.

"Yes!" Nepeta shouted, and she jumped out of her chair and clapped to herself. "I'm so happy fur you two! I just know you'll be great together!"

"Yeah, I guess," Vriska said, and leaned back in her chair and sighed.

"You don't sound very happy, Vriska," Tavros said with a look of concern.

"Look, it's..." Vriska started, not certain how to say what she was feeling. "It doesn't have anything to do with this. It's just... Kanaya." She leaned forward and crossed her arms on the table. "I still don't get why she dumped me."

"Do you still want to be her moirail?" Tavros asked.

Vriska shook her head. "No, I think she was right about our moirallegiance not working out. But still... something about the way she said it made it seem so final. Like things between us could never be the same again." She slid her teacup closer to herself and stared into it sullenly. "And she kept saying she didn't hate me. What did she mean?" She sloshed her tea around a bit, then took a sip.

Nepeta smirked and asked, "Why don't you ask her yourself?"

Vriska cocked her eyebrow at Nepeta. "You don't mean..."

Before she could finish her thought, Kanaya stepped into the room. She was wearing a long, sleeveless cerulean dress with a high black collar and a black belt around her waist. On her arms she wore long cerulean gloves tipped in black, with the fabric extending across her hands to wrap around her middle fingers. Emblazoned on her chest was her symbol in jade, snared atop an octagonal black spider web.

Vriska rose from her seat and stepped away from the table towards her. So many emotions were running through her head, anger and relief and regret and sorrow and something else she couldn't identify. All she could manage to say was, "Kanaya?"

Kanaya clasped her hands together at her waist. "Vriska," she said, then closed her eyes while she took a quiet breath. "Everything I said to you before was true. I truly believe that our moirallegiance was poisonous to both of us. And I believe that was mostly my fault. I never served my role properly, never cared for you the way a moirail should have. And I ended it because I believe you deserve someone who will be a better moirail than I have been."

Vriska gave her a pleading look. "But why? What made you do this? Was it something I did? Something I said?"

Kanaya looked to the ground. "It wasn't caused by any wrongdoing on your part." She looked up at Vriska, conviction burning in her eyes. "I don't hate you, Vriska. You must believe me when I say that."

Vriska's expression was unchanged. "Then why?" she asked, her voice soft and desperate.

"I..." Kanaya started, then averted her gaze once more to the ground. "There's something I've wanted to tell you for a long time, but until I spoke with Nepeta, I couldn't bring myself to do it." She looked over to Nepeta, who gave her a silent nod. She placed a hand over her chest, took a deep breath, and looked directly into Vriska's eyes.

"I'm flushed for you."

Vriska's eyes widened, but the look on her face wasn't one of surprise, but of understanding. It was as if the last piece in a thousand-piece puzzle had been put in its place, but before that moment, her mind could only focus on that one single gap, completely unable to infer the picture from the hundreds of other hints. But now the image was complete, and she could ignore it no longer, and it was so obvious that she felt like a fool for never having seen it.

With the initial revelation out of the way, the rest came, Kanaya thought, almost embarrassingly easily. "I have been since probably the moment I met you, and I've always wanted to tell you, but I could never find the courage. And I thought maybe as your moirail, I could make you love me the same way, but all I was doing was hurting you. And I saw that our relationship was degenerating, and I couldn't stand the thought of the two of us slowly drifting apart, so I..." She choked up suddenly, and she could see jade tears welling up at the edges of her vision.

"Kanaya..." Vriska started, but couldn't find the words to continue, so she simply opened her arms towards Kanaya. She fell into them and clung desperately to Vriska, burying her head in her shoulder, and Vriska found herself returning the embrace a little more tightly than she expected to.

"I don't hate you, Vriska," Kanaya said, straining to keep her composure. "That's why I've been such a bad moirail. And I just..." She stifled a sob. "I just hope you don't hate me for it."

"I don't hate you, Kanaya," Vriska said, her voice soft and earnest. "I don't think I can."

Kanaya sniffled. "Really?"

"I mean, when you first told me you were breaking up with me, I tried to get mad at you," Vriska said, looking down over Kanaya's shoulder and sighing wistfully. "But then I remembered all the little things about you that I loved. I loved how you were always encouraging me and reassuring me, no matter how badly I screwed up. And I loved how whenever I tore up one of my jackets or my FLARPing outfit, you'd always get so excited to make a new one with your little fetish for tailoring, and you'd always retake my measurements, even though I'm sure you had them memorized. And I loved how you'd occasionally just demand I let you wash my hair, and then you'd spend half an hour just brushing it while we talked about nothing at all."

Kanaya ran her fingers through Vriska's hair. "Your hair is filthy, by the way," she said, starting to regain her composure.

Vriska laughed. "I know. But I don't want to wash it. I like the way you do it too much."

She looked down at the floor and sighed again. "After that, I realized I couldn't be angry with you. Instead, I was scared. I was terrified that you hated me," she said, her grip on Kanaya tightening the slightest bit, "and that I was going to lose all that forever. Because even though I hated the way you were always bugging me as my moirail, there was always something I liked about you. And it took me until just now to realize what it is."

Kanaya gasped slightly. "You mean..."

Vriska gently unwrapped Kanaya's arms from around her and stepped back, then took her hands. "Kanaya... I'm flushed for you too."

Kanaya's heart soared in her chest. "Really?" she asked, as if it were too good to be true.

"Yes, really," Vriska said, and smiled, and Kanaya realized all over again just how pretty Vriska was when she genuinely smiled.

An atom bomb of emotions exploded in Kanaya's head, and there were suddenly a thousand different things she wanted to say, and she tried her best to say all of them. "Vriska, I'm so happy, and I'm overjoyed, and I've waited so long for this, and there's so much I want to--"

"Kanaya," Vriska said, and Kanaya was instantly silent. She lowered both of their sets of hands, and her smile curled into a smirk. "Shut up and kiss me."

So Kanaya did. She released Vriska's hands and threw her arms around her shoulders, and she kissed her, suddenly and violently and passionately. Vriska was shocked at first by the intensity of it, but soon she was returning Kanaya's affection perfectly in kind, and they shuffled awkwardly about the room until Kanaya pinned them both against the cave wall. Nepeta cheered and clapped the entire time, and by the time Tavros joined in the applause, they were both embarrassed enough to stop. 

Vriska leaned against the cave wall and panted, her cheeks streaked with cerulean and her lips smeared with Kanaya's matching lipstick. "Wow."

Kanaya's face was likewise glowing jade, and she covered her mouth, suppressing a laugh. "Sorry," she said, but obviously not sorry, "I've been waiting a long time for that."

Vriska just grinned. "If I'd known you were such a good kisser, I would have done it sooner, moirails or not."

Kanaya let herself laugh this time, but suddenly stopped and frowned, and her shoulders slumped. "But really, Vriska, I'm sorry to have put you through that."

Vriska kicked herself up from against the wall and grabbed Kanaya's shoulder. "Stop apologizing," she said, looking her in the eyes. "It was both of our faults. Probably even mine more than yours. I was a pretty lousy moirail too."

"Yes, I suppose that's true," Kanaya said, her frown flattening into a near-smirk. "But I think it was simply an issue of compatibility."

"Yeah, I think you're right," Vriska said. She looked at the ground and laughed to herself. "This is gonna sound corny as hell, but honestly, I can't think of anything I want to change about you."

Kanaya laughed. "You're right," she said. "That did sound corny as hell."

"Hey!" Vriska gawked with mock offense, and lightly punched her arm. "Whose side are you on?"

"Yours. From now on," Kanaya said, and wrapped her arms around Vriska, leaning in to kiss her again. This time it was calmer and more controlled, but still lingered with passion. Kanaya grinned and said, "Tell you what. Why don't we go to my hive and I'll make you some new clothes?" She fingered the roughly torn holes in the back of Vriska's jacket. "Maybe something that will accommodate your wings a little better."

"And then what?" Vriska asked with a smirk.

"And then we can both have a dip in the ablution trap, and I'll wash your hair for you, just the way you like," Kanaya said as she brushed her hands through Vriska's hair.

"And then what?" Vriska repeated, still smirking.

"Well, I can't imagine there's much more we could do after that," Kanaya said, and suddenly a devilish grin painted itself on her face. "Though I can think of a few things that might be better done before we participate in any ablutions..."

Vriska's face suddenly turned bright cerulean, and she laughed as she tried desperately to cover her blushing cheeks. "Good lord, Kanaya Maryam, I had no idea you could be so raunchy!"

"I told you," Kanaya said, "I've been waiting a long time for this."

Vriska looked her in the eyes. "I would love that. But there's something else I have to do first. Something for Tavros."

Kanaya removed her arms from around Vriska and clasped both of her hands in her own. "I understand. For what little I know on the subject, I think you'll be great moirails."

"That means more than you realize, Kanaya," Vriska said, and gave her a quick kiss on the lips before she walked back to the table. She pulled the unused chair next to Tavros out, turned it toward him, and sat down.

"Tavros, before anything else, there's something I want to do for you, if you'll let me," she said, her voice completely lacking its previous sharp edge, and filled with genuine sweetness, not the usual saccharine venom of deception. "I want to try to make up for the awful things I've done to you. Maybe not everything, but at least the one worst thing I can think of." She put his hands together and clasped them with her own. "I want you to walk again. And I want you to fly. And I don't mean in your dreams, or in a little rocket car, I mean really fly. But in order for me to help you, you have to trust me." She looked into his eyes, desperate and pleading. "Can you trust me?"

Tavros was silent for a moment, not out of hesitation, but more out of surprise at how this whole chain of events had turned out. Vriska Serket, the girl who broke his legs in a fit of romantic hatred, was now asking him to trust her, and even better, he did, completely and utterly. And most amusing of all, he found himself mentally kicking himself for not letting her murder him on a slab of cold stone earlier.

"Yes," he said, without a trace of doubt in his voice. "I trust you, Vriska."

"Thank you," she said, and she let go of his hands, but not before giving him another fist bunp. She rose from her chair and turned to Nepeta.

"Nepeta..." she started, then gave her a menacing grin. "That was more than eight minutes."

Nepeta gasped and covered her mouth. "Oh no! I'm sorry, Vwiskers, I--"

Vriska gave her a dismissive wave. "I'm just kidding, I don't care about that. I owe you one, Nepeta." She looked to Tavros, and then to Kanaya. "Well, two, actually."

"You don't owe me anything," Nepeta said. "I strongarmed Kanaya into breaking up your meowrallegiance, and then I spurrung this whole ambush on you."

"I'm only counting that as one," Vriska said, crossing her arms.

"Okay, fair enough," Nepeta said with a grin.

"Look, I..." Vriska started, then looked down, fidgeting with the cuffs of her jacket. "Thanks for giving me a chance. I don't think something like this ever would have happened for me without your help."

"It's no purroblem, Vwiskers, really," Nepeta said with a little wave.

"No, really," Vriska said, looking up at her, "you have a gift for this kind of thing. At this rate, you'll have us all shipped up in no time."

"Thank you, Vwiskers," Nepeta said, touching her hand to her chest. "It means a lot coming furom one of my most vocal critics."

Vriska laughed. "Yeah, right. And I'll try not to fill your memos with any more of my self-obsessed bullshit."

Nepeta laughed back. "Hey, as long as you're nice about it, you can say whatefur you want."

"Sure," said Vriska. "Anyway, I think we should go now." She turned to Kanaya. "Kanaya, after I'm done with this, I'll come straight to your hive."

"I'll make sure everything is ready for you," Kanaya said with a slight bow. "Just troll me once you're on your way."

"Of course," said Vriska, and they exchanged a loving wave. She turned to Tavros. "You ready to go, palemate?"

"Yeah, just, uh..." Tavros turned to Nepeta. "Thanks a lot for helping us. Vriska and I both, I mean."

"It's my pleasure, really," Nepeta said, struggling to remain humble. "I just really hope this works out fur you two."

"I think it will," Tavros said with a grin, then backed his rocket chair away from the table. "Okay, I'm ready to fly," he said to Vriska as he hovered toward the hive's entrance.

Vriska hustled up to his side. "Well, you better get ready to walk!" she said with a grin, and they fist bunped once more. She turned her head back to Nepeta. "Thanks again, Nepeta!"

"Bye, you two!" Nepeta shouted to them and waved. "Don't have too much fun!"

The two left, and Nepeta turned her attention to Kanaya. "Nepeta," Kanaya said, and she placed a hand on Nepeta's shoulder. "Thank you so much for this."

"Always glad to help," Nepeta said with a smile, but then tilted her head down and frowned just the slightest bit. "I know how hard it can be, loving someone without them loving you back."

"Nepeta," Kanaya said with a look of concern, "is there someone you feel that way about?"

Nepeta shook her head and gently removed Kanaya's hand from her shoulder. "It's not impurrtant." She looked back up and smiled. "Anyway, you should get back to your hive. You've got a big date to worry about!"

Kanaya laughed softly. "Yes, I suppose so. I hope I didn't get too... graphic when I was describing my plans," she said, and her cheeks faintly glowed jade.

"Hey, don't worry about it," Nepeta said with a laugh. "If I had to wait that long, I'd purrobably have some puretty graphic ideas too!"

Kanaya just nodded and grinned. "Well, if you ever need to talk to someone about your own relationship problems, you may feel free to confide in me."

"Thanks, Kanaya," Nepeta said. "It means a lot, really."

"It's no problem at all," Kanaya assured her. "Anyway, I suppose I should get going."

"Yes, you should!" said Nepeta, and slid an arm around Kanaya's shoulder as she walked her to the entrance. "I think you've got a long night ahead of you!" she said with an impish grin.

Kanaya blushed once more. "Yes, I... think you're right." They reached the door. "Anyway, goodbye, Nepeta. I hope to talk to you again soon."

"Of course! Just keep me updated on the memos!" Nepeta said and opened the door for her.

"I would be happy to," Kanaya said as she stepped out the door. Before she left for good, she turned back once more. "And again, I can't thank you enough for this."

"You're welcome, Kanaya," she said, then added with a smirk, "and I encourage you to have entirely too much fun!"

Kanaya just laughed. "I will take your advice to heart. Once again, farewell."

"Bye, Kanaya!" Nepeta shouted, and gave one last wave and shut the door. As she strutted back into her hive, an immense feeling of satisfaction came over her. It really did feel good to help people with their relationship problems, she thought. Perhaps her ends weren't entirely selfless, but did it matter if the means were good? She pondered the dilemma for a moment, but soon her mind turned to more important matters.

She suddenly realized she was utterly parched.

Well, nothing a nice cup of tea couldn't fix.

***

carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling arsenicCatnip [AC].

CG: NEPETA, HELP ME THE FUCK OUT HERE.
AC: :33 < uh, sure, karkitty
AC: :33 < what is it?
CG: OKAY, JUST HEAR ME OUT FOR A MINUTE.
CG: A FEW HOURS AGO, VRISKA TROLLED ME ABOUT SOME BULLSHIT PROBLEM OF HERS.
CG: APPARENTLY KANAYA BROKE UP WITH HER, OR SOME SHIT LIKE THAT.
CG: SO I DID WHAT ANYONE WOULD DO: I LAUGHED MY ASS OFF AND CALLED HER AN IDIOT.
CG: THEN I TOLD HER IF SHE REALLY NEEDED ADVICE, SHE SHOULD TALK TO YOU.
CG: THEN AN HOUR OR TWO LATER, I JUST HAPPEN TO BE PASSING THROUGH LOSAZ
CG: AND WHO SHOULD I SEE BUT VRISKA, BEING ALL PALE WITH FUCKING TAVROS OF ALL PEOPLE.
CG: SERIOUSLY, THEY WERE FIST BUNPING LIKE NOBODY'S GODDAMNED BUSINESS.
CG: AND ALSO, HIS LEGS WORK NOW??
CG: SO I ASKED HER WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED, AND SHE SAID, AND I QUOTE
CG: "I TOOK YOUR ADVICE."
CG: SO I GUESS WHAT I'M ASKING IS
CG: WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO VRISKA?
AC: :33 < i shipped her!
CG: SERIOUSLY?
CG: HER AND TAVROS?
AC: :33 < yep! theyre meowrails now!
CG: SEE, AT FIRST GLANCE, THAT LOOKS LIKE A FUCKING HORRIBLE IDEA.
CG: AND WHEN I FIRST SAW IT, I HONESTLY THOUGHT THAT PARADOX SPACE MIGHT BE PLAYING SOME SORT OF HILARIOUS TRICK ON ME.
CG: BUT APPARENTLY SHE'S SOMEHOW BECOME LESS OF A HORRIBLE FUCKING PERSON THAN SHE WAS JUST HOURS AGO.
AC: :33 < she was nefur a horrible purrson, karkitty!
CG: YES SHE FUCKING WAS, HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO SAY THIS.
CG: SHE WAS A HORRIBLE EVIL BITCH TO LITERALLY EVERYONE SHE EVER INTERACTED WITH.
AC: :33 < but that was all just an act!
AC: :33 < she had to act that way to cope with being furced to kill people efurryday just to avoid being culled!
AC: :33 < she wouldnt let herself get close to anypawdy beclaws she was afuraid shed end up hurting them
AC: :33 < so she pushed efurrypawdy away with petty hatred
AC: :33 < and eventually she just internalized it that she couldnt f33l anything but black fur anypawdy, and that she wasnt worth any red f33lings at all!
CG: OH.
CG: THAT'S, UH
CG: SURPRISINGLY CLOSE TO MY OWN THEORY.
CG: I FIGURED THAT THE HATE SIDE OF HER BRAIN WAS SO OVERWORKED THAT IT EVENTUALLY JUST GAVE OUT, AND ALL SHE COULD MANAGE WAS A PATHETIC, WATERED DOWN VERSION OF TRUE CALIGINOUS HATE
CG: AND ON THE FLIP SIDE, THE PITY LOBES OF HER BRAIN HAD ATROPHIED COMPLETELY FROM DISUSE.
AC: :33 < pity?
CG: YOU KNOW, THE WHOLE SMORGASBORD OF EMOTIONS RESPONSIBLE FOR RED ROMANCE, AMONG OTHER THINGS.
AC: :33 < karkitty, thats silly
AC: :33 < redrom isnt about pity, its about love!
CG: OH GOD.
CG: LOOK, I'M NOT ABOUT TO GET INTO THE WHOLE SCHISMATIC DEBATE WITH YOU, OKAY?
CG: LET'S JUST SAY YOU'RE ENTITLED TO YOUR DISGUSTINGLY SACCHARINE OPINION, AND I'M ENTITLED TO MINE.
AC: :33 < okay fine
AC: :33 < can i continue?
CG: SURE, THIS IS ACTUALLY KIND OF INTERESTING.
AC: :33 < anyway, shed convinced herself that she was a bad purrson, and that nobody would ever have red f33lings fur her because efurrypawdy hated her
AC: :33 < so all i had to do was show her she was wrong!
AC: :33 < i showed her she wasnt a bad purrson, and that all she had to do was just reach out to people!
AC: :33 < and i showed her that there were people who had red f33lings for her, like tavros and kanaya!
CG: WAIT, WHAT HAPPENED WITH KANAYA?
AC: :33 < theyre matespurrits now!
CG: WHAT?
CG: I... WHAT?
CG: SERIOUSLY?
AC: :33 < yep! kanaya had b33n flushed fur vwiskers furom the furry beginning!
AC: :33 < and vwiskers actually became flushed fur her too at some point, she just didnt realize it!
CG: HOW THE FUCK DID I NOT KNOW ABOUT THIS?
AC: :33 < well, vwiskers didnt even know herself
AC: :33 < and kanaya nefur told anyone about her f33lings, as fur as i know
CG: NOT EVEN ME? THE RELATIONSHIP GUY?
CG: I FEEL A LITTLE BETRAYED FOR SOME REASON.
AC: :33 < well, im sure if she wanted to tell anypawdy about it, it would have b33n you!
AC: :33 < but i was the furst one to just ask!
CG: HUH.
CG: OKAY, SO THAT'S KIND OF WEIRD, BUT IT'S FINE, I GUESS.
CG: BUT VRISKA AND TAVROS??
CG: AS PALEMATES????
AC: :33 < i know it sounds like a horrible idea
AC: :33 < but vwiskers really did care about tavros!
AC: :33 < all the time when she was flipping betw33n black and red, she always wanted to help him!
AC: :33 < and he really wanted to help her, too!
AC: :33 < all he wanted was fur her to be nicer, and not to hate herself so much!
AC: :33 < so even though she thought she was flushed or black fur him, i knew they were both pale fur each other!
AC: :33 < and all i had to do was show them that!
CG: AND EXACTLY HOW THE FUCK DID YOU DO THAT?
AC: :33 < i pawspisticed fur the two of them!
CG: HAHAHAHA, THAT'S HILARIOUS.
CG: OKAY, SERIOUSLY THOUGH, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO.
AC: :33 < seriously, thats what i did!!
CG: BULLSHIT.
CG: I ABSOLUTELY REFUSE TO BELIEVE THAT YOU, NEPETA LEIJON, ARE CAPABLE OF ANY SORT OF ASHEN ADVANCES TOWARD ANYONE.
AC: :33 < its true! you can ask kanaya, she can back me up!
CG: OH, I FUCKING WILL, BELIEVE ME.
CG: ANYWAY, ENOUGH ABOUT THE SPECIFICS OF ALL THIS SHIPPING BULLSHIT.
CG: HOW THE FUCK DID YOU EVEN GET ANY OF THIS THROUGH VRISKA'S INCH-THICK SKULL IN THE FIRST PLACE?
AC: :33 < well, i knew i would nefur be able to get through to her in one of her normal moods
AC: :33 < so, to tell the truth
AC: :33 < i made kanaya break up with her just to make her emotionally susceptible
AC: :33 < beclaws i knew she really cared about kanaya
AC: :33 < so when i dealt with her, she was really depurressed, but open to change
CG: SERIOUSLY?
CG: YOU BROKE HER AND KANAYA UP JUST TO GET HER IN A VULNERABLE STATE?
AC: :33 < im not purroud of it, karkitty!
CG: YOU SHOULD BE, THAT IS FUCKING DEVIOUS.
AC: :33 < yes yes i know!
AC: :33 < anyway, once she was like that, i invited her ofur to my hive
AC: :33 < under the purretenses of a pleasant confursation ofur warm befurages
AC: :33 < and when she got there, i confuronted her on her f33lings and got to the root of her purroblems
AC: :33 < and when she tried to tell me she was a bad purrson, or that she couldnt love anyone, or that efurrypawdy hated her, i refuted her points!
AC: :33 < and i told her all the reasons why she really is a good purrson!
AC: :33 < and after that, she was a little more willing to listen
CG: OKAY, SO LET ME SEE IF I'VE GOT THIS STRAIGHT.
CG: FIRST, YOU MEDDLED WITH HER LOVE LIFE JUST TO GET HER IN A MOPEY, SELF-HATING MOOD
CG: AND THEN YOU INVITED HER OVER FOR A TEA PARTY.
CG: AND THEN WHEN SHE GOT THERE, YOU JUST COMPLETELY FUCKING ANNIHILATED HER WITH PRAISE AND ENCOURAGEMENT.
CG: YOU TOOK VRISKA SERKET AND LOVINGLY RIPPED HER APART, PIECE BY EVERLOVING PIECE, AND RECONSTRUCTED HER IN THE IMAGE OF A GIRL WHO'S SURPRISINGLY NOT BITCHY.
AC: :33 < i didnt reconstruct her, karkitty!
AC: :33 < she was always like that!
AC: :33 < she was just afuraid to show it!
AC: :33 < and all i had to do was show her it was okay to love people!
CG: OKAY, ALLOW ME TO CORRECT MYSELF.
CG: YOU COMPLETELY FUCKING ANNIHILATED THE HARD OUTER SHELL OF THE CREATURE WE KNOW AS VRISKA SERKET WITH HEARTFELT ADULATION.
CG: AND ONCE YOU WERE DONE, ALL THAT WAS LEFT WAS THE BEAUTIFUL, GLISTENING, SURPRISINGLY NOT BITCHY PEARL THAT WAS HIDDEN UNDERNEATH IT ALL ALONG.
CG: AND THEN YOU TOOK HER WEIRD, CONCUPISCENT FEELINGS TOWARDS TAVROS AND STRAIGHTENED THEM OUT INTO A MOIRALLEGIANCE, APPARENTLY UNDER THE GUISE OF AN AUSPISTICE
CG: (I STILL DON'T FUCKING BELIEVE YOU ON THAT, BY THE WAY)
CG: AND THEN YOU SOMEHOW MADE HER REALIZE THAT SHE WAS FLUSHED FOR HER FORMER MOIRAIL, WHO WAS ALSO FLUSHED FOR HER, AND THEY PROCEEDED TO HAVE SLOPPY MAKEOUTS.
AC: :33 < yep!
CG: AND THAT IS ALL EXACTLY HOW IT WENT DOWN.
AC: :33 < puretty much
CG: AND YOU'RE TELLING ME ALL OF THIS ACTUALLY HAPPENED.
CG: IN CONFIDENCE.
AC: :33 < yeah, i guess so!
CG: HOLY SHIT.
CG: <3
AC: :33 < hmmmm?
CG: UHHH, NOTHING.
CG: WELL, LOOK, GOOD JOB ON THAT AND ALL.
CG: I MEAN, TOP OF THE LINE SHIPPING, REALLY.
CG: AND, UH, KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK, I GUESS.
AC: :33 < so you want me to k33p doing my shipping thing?
CG: YES, ABSOLUTELY.
CG: IN FACT, AS YOUR LEADER, I ORDER YOU TO KEEP DOING IT.
CG: JUST SHIP THE FUCK OUT OF ALL OF THESE TROLLS.
AC: :33 < even you?
CG: UH
CG: WELL
AC: :33 < dont worry karkitty, ive got somepawdy special in mind fur you!
CG: THAT IS
CG: ACTUALLY FUCKING TERRIFYING FOR SOME REASON.
AC: :33 < h33 h33!
AC: :33 < anyway, im gonna repurrt the success of opurration: closing the serket on the shipping wall
AC: :33 < so hopefurry ill s33 you there!
CG: UH, YEAH, SURE.
AC: :33 < ok, bye karkitty!

arsenicCatnip [AC] ceased trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG].

CG: I SUDDENLY UNDERSTAND JACK SHIT.
CG: AND SOMEHOW THAT DOESN'T BOTHER ME.

carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling arsenicCatnip [AC].

Chapter 4: A Thief in the Light, a Prince in the Shadows

Chapter 4

A Thief in the Light, a Prince in the Shadows

CURRENT arsenicCatnip [CAC] RIGHT NOW opened memo on board :33 < THE SHIPPING WALL.

CAC: :33 < *the rogue of heart sits at her shipping desk, reviewing her relationship charts*
CAC: :33 < *s33ing you enter, she looks up and says*
CAC: :33 < oh hello again! welcome to the second memo!
CAC: :33 < furst of all, thanks to sollux for setting up the tempurral locks!
CAC: :33 < im not really sure how they work, so ill let him explain it
PAST twinArmageddons [PTA] 22 MINUTES AGO responded to memo.
PTA: iit'2 not that hard to under2tand, really.
PTA: ba2iically anybody further iin the future than 30 miinute2 can't re2pond two the memo.
PTA: and anybody further iin the pa2t than 30 miinute2 can't even viiew iit.
CAC: :33 < yes! thank you sollux
PTA: hey, don't thank me.
PTA: ff wa2 the one twii2tiing my arm iintwo doiing it, for whatever rea2on.
PAST cuttlefishCuller [PCC] 12 MINUTES AGO responded to memo.
PCC: Because NO SPOIL-ERS!
PCC: T)(AT'S C)(---EATING!!
PTA: that ii2 2uch a 2hiity rea2on that iit'2 hone2tly kiind of adorable.
PCC: YOUR STUPID FIS)(Y FAC--E IS S)(ITTY AND ALSO ADORABL--E!!
PTA: eheh yeah, iit kiind of ii2.
PCC: Glub glub glub!! 38D
PCC: ANYWAY, the R-E-EL reason is just to avoid weird time s)(it in general!
PCC: I don't want a sc)(ool of stupid past and future Carpkats invading t)(ese memos too!
PTA: ugh, yeah, kk ii2 ju2t 2o 2tupiid 2ometiime2.
PTA: ii offerred two 2et up blockiing on hii2 2hiitty memo2, but he gave me 2ome bull2hiit excu2e about not wantiing two 2top any future 2elve2 from 2endiing back u2eful adviice.
PTA: truth ii2 ii thiink he get2 off on yelliing at hiim2elf.
PAST carcinoGeneticist [PCG] 24 MINUTES AGO responded to memo.
PCG: THAT IS SUCH A HEINOUS FUCKING ACCUSATION THAT I'M HONESTLY NOT SURE WHERE TO BEGIN.
PCG: SO I GUESS I'LL START HERE:
PCG: IF YOU'RE HONESTLY INSINUATING THAT I HAVE ANY SORT OF CALIGINOUS INCLINATIONS TOWARD MY TEMPORALLY DISPLACED SELVES, YOU MUST HAVE YOUR HEAD LODGED SO FAR UP YOUR NOOK THAT YOU MUST BE GENTLY EXFOLIATING YOUR FACE WITH YOUR OWN FECES AS WE SPEAK.
FUTURE carcinoGeneticist [FCG] 18 MINUTES FROM NOW responded to memo.
FCG: HEY PAST ME, JUST AN UPDATE.
PCG: OH GOD, YOU'RE NOT ABOUT TO PROVE HIS POINT, ARE YOU?
FCG: NO, I JUST WANTED TO LET YOU KNOW THAT HERE IN THE FUTURE, SOLLUX'S HEAD HAS MOVED EVEN FURTHER UP HIS DIGESTIVE TRACT, AND HIS STUPID BESPECTACLED FACE IS STEWING IN HIS OWN DIGESTIVE ACIDS AT THIS VERY MOMENT.
PCG: EXCELLENT, AN EXCHANGE WITH ONE OF MY FUTURE SELVES HAS RESULTED IN ME RECEIVING PERTINENT FUTURE INFORMATION WITHOUT ANY EXCHANGE OF HOSTILITIES WHATSOEVER, PLATONIC OR OTHERWISE.
PCG: SCORE ANOTHER ONE FOR KARKATS EVERYWHEN.
FCG: RIGHT, THE SCORE NOW STANDS AT KARKAT 563, SOLLUX ASSHOLE.
PTA: wow, you iin2ulted me two tiime2 42 miinute2 apart.
PTA: hell2 of u2eful exchange of iinformatiion there, bro.
PTA: fuck iit, relea2e the floodgate2, let'2 ju2t have fiifty fuckiing kk2 iin every memo.
PCG: IT'D BE A HELL OF A LOT FUCKING BETTER THAN FIFTY FUCKING SOLLUXES IN EVERY MEMO.
PCG: JUST AN ENDLESS YELLOW STREAM OF ALTERNATING BLOATED HACKER AUTOFELLATIO AND MISERABLE WHINY SELF-FLAGELLATION.
FCG: OR HEY, HOW ABOUT FIFTY SOLLUXES AND FIFTY FEFERIS?
FCG: TAKE THE TWO MOST ANNOYING FUCKING QUIRKS IN EXISTENCE, PAINT THEM IN EYE-SEARING STRIPES OF MUSTARD AND GRAPEFRUIT, AND UNLEASH THEM UPON THE ENTIRE TIMESTREAM LIKE A SUICIDE-INDUCING PLAGUE.
PCG: HOLY FUCK, I THINK WE MIGHT HAVE A DOOMSDAY SCENARIO ON OUR HANDS.
PCG: HEY ARADIA, ARE THERE ANY TIMELINES WHERE OUR MEMOS GET FLOODED WITH LITTLE MISS FISH PRINCESS AND THE BIPOLAR WONDER'S CONSTANT INSUFFERABLE FLIRTING AND WE ALL GO BLIND?
CURRENT apocalypseArisen [CAA] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.
CAA: n0
CAA: thats stupid
CAA ceased responding to memo.
PCG: OH.
PCG: THAT WAS A JOKE, BUT OKAY.
PCC: Ug)(, Karcrab, S)(UT UP!!!
PCC: Multiples of you are bad enoug)( w)(en t)(ey're fig)(ting wit)( eac)( ot)(er, but some)(ow you're even WORS-E w)(en you agree on t)(ings!
PCC: And I'd rat)(er talk to a )(UNDR-ED Solluxes t)(an ANY two of you!!
CAC: :33 < karkitty, i have to agr33
CAC: :33 < this whole thing is getting kind of silly!
PCG: OH, WHAT, SO VRISKA GETS A FREE PASS TO SPOUT HER SOCIOPATHIC DRIVEL ALL OVER YOUR MEMOS, BUT AS SOON AS A FEW KARKATS TRY TO DOUBLE TEAM A SMUG PRICK OF A PROGRAMMER, IT'S SUDDENLY A PROBLEM?
FCG: YEAH, IN CASE YOU DIDN'T NOTICE, SOLLUX WAS SPREADING SOME PRETTY VICIOUS FUCKING LIBEL ABOUT US.
FCG: WHAT THE FUCK ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO, JUST SIT HERE AND TAKE IT?
PCG: OR IS THIS THE PLACE WHERE PEOPLE ARE JUST ALLOWED TO MAKE BASELESS SPECULATION ON WHATEVER IDIOTIC KISMESISSITUDES THEY CAN THINK OF?
PCG: BECAUSE HERE'S ONE: NEPETA <3< BASIC FUCKING DECENCY.
CAC: XOO < rawwrrr shut uuuuuup!!!!
CAC banned PCG from responding to memo.
CAC banned FCG from responding to memo.
CAC: :33 < im trying to make an impurrtant ameowncement, but you k33p pushing it back with your stupid time shit!!
FUTURE centaursTesticle [FCT] 21 MINUTES FROM NOW responded to memo.
FCT: D --> Language, Nepeta
CAC: :33 < oops, sorry equius :((
CAC: :33 < oh, that reminds me!
CAC: :33 < i n33d to talk to you about something!
FCT: D --> Yes, I know
FCT: D --> We have already di%ussed it from my perspe%ive
CAC: :33 < ugh, s33?
CAC: :33 < these self-furfilling time loops are exactly the kind of crap im trying to avoid!!
FCT: D --> Nepeta
CAC: :33 < i know, language, sorry!!
CAC: :33 < is that all you came here fur, to tell me to watch my meowth?
FCT: D --> Well
FCT: D --> That, and possibly to remind you to speak to me
FCT: D --> Time 100ps are admittedly not my area of e%pertise
CAC: :33 < ok, ill talk to you after i close this memo
CAC: :33 < unless you want to stick around fur some shipping advice!
FCT: D --> No
FCT: D --> Abso100tely not
CAC: :33 < come oooooon!
FCT: D --> I refuse to take any further part in this f001ishness
FCT ceased responding to memo.
CAC: :33 < fine, whatefur!
CAC: :33 < anyway, i have an impurrtant ameowncement to make!
CAC: :33 < i hereby ameownce that opurration: closing the serket was a total success!
CAC: :33 < all of her ships have been completely and utterly shipped!
CAC: :33 < and i dont really know why she hasnt respawnded yet!
CURRENT arachnidsGrip [CAG] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.
CAG: Yeah, yeah, I'm here!!!!!!!!
CAG: Sorry, I'm just a little lightheaded right now.
CAG: Lost quite a 8it of 8lood recently, haha.
CAC: :33 < oh no really???
CAC: :33 < what happened?
CURRENT grimAuxiliatrix [CGA] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.
CGA: Basilisk Ambush
CAG: Right, that was it, 8asilisk am8ush.
CAG: Sneaky 8astards, those 8asilisks.
CAC: :33 < kanaya! care to break the news yourself?
CGA: With Pleasure
CGA: Vriska And I Are No Longer Moirails
CGA: We Are Now Matesprits
PCC: 38O
PCC: R-E-E-E-ELY??
CAG: Ohhhhhhhh yessssssss.
CAG: >::::D
PCC: W)(ale, t)(at's FINTASTIC!!
PCC: I am SO )(APPY for you two!!!
PTA: ff, ii'm okay wiith beiing happy for ky, but do you really have two be happy for vk?
PCC: Y-ES I DO!!!
PCC: It is a joyous occasion, and I am -EXCIT-ED for ALL PARTI-ES INVOLV-ED!!!
PCC: And if you've got a problem wit)( it, you can just GLUB OFF!
PCC: >38U
CAG: Yeah, Sollux, why don't you just hop off my 8ulge already????????
PTA: oh, for fuck'2 2ake.
PTA: for the la2t tiime, II AM NOT FUCKIING FLIIRTIING WIITH YOU.
CAG: Oh, suuuuuuuure you aren't.
PCC: NOBODY CAR-ES ABOUT T)(IS RIG)(T NOW.
CAC: :33 < yeah, i have to agr33 with fefurry
CAC: :33 < this isnt the time or the place fur blackrom, guys!
CAC: :33 < or platonic hate or whatefur stupid thing it is!
PTA: ugh, whatever. fuck thii2, ii'm out.
PTA ceased responding to memo.
PCC: W)(AL-E FIN-E TH-EN, YOU BIG POUTY J-ERK! 38P
PCC: So )(ow did you two become flus)(ed for eac)( other?
CGA: Well
CGA: To Tell The Truth
CGA: I Have Been From The Very Beginning
PCC: Reely? 38?
CGA: Yes
CGA: I Never Really Wanted To Be Vriskas Moirail In The First Place
PCC: T)(at... explains a lot, actually!
CGA: And While I Ended Up Being A Pretty Terrible Moirail To Her Overall
CGA: I Nonetheless Must Have Succeeded In Ingratiating Myself With Her In My Own Way
CGA: As When I Confessed My Affection For Her She Reciprocated With Remarkably Little Hesitation
CAG: God, Kanaya, you m8ke it sound like I just hopped into your w8ing arms!!!!!!!!
CGA: Well
CGA: You Kind Of Did
CAG: I didn't even!!!!!!!!
PCC: )(-E )(-E )(-E!
CAG: Look, 8efore, Kanaya was just my moirail.
CAG: I regarded her as a nuisance at 8est.
CAG: 8ut there were all these little things I kind of liked about her.
CAG: And in retrospect, all of those things were a little redder than I should have expected from a palem8.
CAG: 8ut I was totally 8lind to it all, 8ecause I'd convinced myself I was a 8ad person and I wasn't worth any8ody's red feelings.
PAST twinArmageddons [PTA] 20 MINUTES AGO responded to memo.
PTA: who 2ay2 you 2tiill aren't?
CAG: Can it, Captor!!!!!!!!
PTA: eheheh, fuckiing owned.
PTA ceased responding to memo.
CAG: Not flirting with me my ass!!!!!!!!
CAG: Anyway, Nepeta sprang this incredi8ly devious romance am8ush on me, of which I won't reveal too many details in case she wants to do it to some8ody else.
CAC: :33 < that purrobably wont be necessary
CAC: :33 < im k33ping my claws crossed, anyways!
CAG: And she 8asically completely wrecked my shit and showed me what a tool I was 8eing for thinking like that.
CAG: So when Kanaya confessed to me, I realized I could pretty much have all the things I liked a8out her and none of the stupid moirail stuff I h8ted a8out her.
CGA: And We Could Kiss Too
CAG: Oh god, YES.
CAG: I'll admit when I first said I was flushed for her, I was maaaaaaaay8e 88% certain.
CAG: 8ut the kiss sealed the deal pretty much forever.
CAG: Just a heads up to any potential kismesisses: Kanaya Maryam is an amazing fucking kisser.
CAG: And a really good 8iter too, incidentally.
CGA: Vriska That Is Not Information For A Public Forum
CAG: Whoops, sorry.
CGA: No Youre Not
CGA: But Its Okay
CAG: Hahahahahahahaha, yeah, you're right.
PCC: W)(ale, I am R-E-ELY --ECSTATIC for you two!
PCC: And I'm glad somet)(ing good came of your moirallegiance, even if it wasn't w)(at you were expecting!
PCC: But Vriska, if Nepeta really did s)(ip ALL of your s)(ips, then w)(o's your morayeel now?
CAG: Well, I'll just let him introduce himself!
CURRENT adiosToreador [CAT] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.
CAT: uH, oKAY,
CAT: i AM THE MOIRAIL,
CAT: iT'S ME,
FUTURE gallowsCalibrator [FGC] 4 MINUTES FROM NOW responded to memo.
FGC: WH4T!!!!!!!
FGC: YOU H4V3 GOT TO B3 FUCK1NG K1DD1NG M3!!!
CAG: Ugh, I kneeeeeeeew this was going to happen.
FGC: L1K3
FGC: 1S TH1S 4 TH1NG TH4TS 4CTU4LLY H4PP3N1NG?
FGC: N3P3T4, D1D YOU S3R1OUSLY M4K3 TH3S3 TWO MO1R41LS???
CAC: :33 < i know it sounds weird, but yes!
FGC: WHY WOULD YOU 3V3R DO TH4T
FGC: 3V3R
CAC: :33 < maybe you should just ask them!
FGC: F1N3 1 W1LL!
FGC: VR1SK4, WH4TS YOUR 4NGL3 1N 4LL TH1S?
CAG: What angle? There's no angle!
FGC: YOUR D3L1C1OUS BLU3B3RRY T3XT C4NNOT COV3R TH3 FOUL ST3NCH OF YOUR L13S, M1SS S3RK3T!
CAG: Ugh, I'm not lying, I'm serious!!!!!!!!
CAG: All I ever wanted was for Tavros to 8e stronger.
CAG: Nepeta helped me realize that after she completely destroyed me with all her caring words and self-affirming things to say.
FGC: WH4T, D1D SH3 4USP1ST1C3 FOR YOU TWO OR SOM3TH1NG?
CAG: Uh, yeah, that's exactly what she did.
FGC: VR1SK4 WH4T D1D 1 JUST S4Y 4BOUT YOUR ST1NK1NG L13S
CGA: Actually Nepeta Really Did Auspistice The Two Of Them
CGA: And She Was Surprisingly Competent At It Given Her What I Would Assume Is Complete Inexperience
CAC: :33 < thank you, kanaya!
CAC: :33 < it means a lot coming furom the master
CGA: Your Approach Was Undoubtedly Unorthodox
CGA: But Then Again I Have Never Heard Of An Ashen Entanglement Where Moirallegiance Between The Feuding Parties Was The End Goal Or Indeed Even The End Result
CGA: So I Believe Your First Auspisticism May Have Actually Set A Precedent Of Some Sort
CAC: :33 < wow!!
FGC: TH1S 1S SO COMPL3T3LY R1D1CULOUS
FGC: T4VROS WHY TH3 H3LL WOULD YOU GO 4LONG W1TH TH1S??
CAT: wELL, vRISKA REALLY WANTED TO HELP ME,
CAT: aND THERE WERE THINGS i KIND OF LIKED ABOUT HER,
CAT: bUT THERE'S A LOT THAT'S REALLY, mESSED UP ABOUT HER,
CAT: aND, tHE TRUTH IS, i WANTED TO HELP HER TOO,
FGC: SH3S TH3 R34SON YOU N33D H3LP 1N TH3 F1RST PL4C3!!!
FGC: 1 M34N
FGC: WH4T WOULD 4R4D14 TH1NK?
CURRENT apocalypseArisen [CAA] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.
CAA: im 0k with it
FGC: UGH
FGC: 1 SHOULD H4V3 S33N TH4T ON3 COM1NG
CAA: believe it 0r n0t i have 0ther things t0 w0rry ab0ut than the relati0nship status 0f my teammates
CAA: like just as an example the fact that this entire timeline is d00med
CAA: like even m0re d00med than usual
CAA: and yet despite that immutable fact it isnt being disp0sed 0f in the manner d00med timelines usually are
CAA: meaning this timeline has p0ssibly attracted the attenti0n 0f s0me unspeakably p0werful extradimensi0nal entity wh0 is pr0bably manipulating it t0 its 0wn inscrutable ends as we speak
FGC: UH
CAA: but d0nt let me interrupt y0u
CAA: clearly the fact that 0ne tr0ll is n0w in a relati0nship with an0ther tr0ll is m0re imp0rtant
CAA: ill simply put 0ff b0thering any 0f y0u ab0ut the inc0mprehensibly p0werful 0therw0rdly being c0ntr0lling the fate 0f 0ur entire existence until y0uve res0lved this issue
CAA: s0 s0rry t0 have tr0ubled y0u with my insignificant pers0nal pr0blems
CAA: ribbit
CAA banned herself from responding to memo.
FGC: ...
FGC: W3LL NOW 1 F33L STUP1D >8[
CAC: :33 < terezi, you kind of are being stupid!
FGC: >8O!!!
FGC: N3P3T4, 1 3XP3CT3D TH1S K1ND OF S4SS FROM VR1SKA, BUT NOT YOU!
CAC: :33 < you arent even giving vwiskers a chance!
CAC: :33 < thats the purroblem, nopawdy was willing to give her a chance!
CAC: :33 < how is she efur suppawsed to change if efurrypawdy just assumed she was irred33mable?
FGC: 1 W4S TH1NK1NG 4 SHOCK COLL4R, M4YB3?
CAC: XOO < no, thats dumb!!
CAC: :33 < she n33ded somepawdy to help her
CAC: :33 < and tavros wanted to help her!
CAC: :33 < and she really wanted to help him too!
CAC: :33 < and maybe their reasons werent entirely pale, but i convinced them the best way to help each other was being meowrails!
CAC: :33 < in fact, im purretty sure vwiskers has already helped him in a really big way!
CAG: Yeah, we took care of that first thing.
CAG: And now my little Pupa really can fly!
CAG: <>
CAT: vRISKA, i BELIEVE WE AGREED,
CAT: yOU WOULDN'T USE, tHAT PARTICULAR ALLUSION YET,
CAG: Oh right, sorry.
FGC: SO YOUR F1RST 4CT 4S H1S MO1R41L W4S TO P1N H1M TO 4 ROCK 4ND ST4B H1M TO D34TH?
FGC: R34LLY PROM1S1NG W4Y TO ST4RT
CAT: tEREZI, i DON'T THINK YOU UNDERSTAND,
CAT: tHIS TRANSFORMATION IS, sYMBOLICALLY SPEAKING, hIGHLY SIGNIFICANT,
FGC: WH4T, HOW
CAT: lOOK, tHINK OF IT THIS WAY,
CAT: bEFORE, kANAYA TOLD ME i SHOULD GIVE MY CONFIDENCE A NAME, sO i NAMED IT rUFIO,
CAT: bUT THE THING IS, rUFIO WAS NOT REAL,
CAT: hE WAS IMAGINARY, a FAKE,
CAT: lIKE A MADE UP FRIEND, tHE WAY FAIRIES ARE,
CAT: bUT THE THING IS, aFTER DOING THIS,
CAT: i HAVE THESE BIG FLAPPY WINGS, aND ALL THESE COOL WIND POWERS,
CAT: sO BASICALLY, fOR ALL INTENTS AND PURPOSES, i AM A FAIRY,
CAT: wHICH MEANS i AM A FAKE, mADE UP THING, bUT ACTUALLY REAL,
CAT: aND THIS IS KIND OF A LOGICAL LEAP, bUT i THINK IT'S FAIR TO ASSUME,
CAT: i AM rUFIO,
CAT: iT'S ME,
CAT: }:)
FGC: ...
FGC: WH4T
CAT: wELL, bASICALLY, wHAT THAT MEANS IS,
CAT: i AM THE ACTUAL, pHYSICAL EMBODIMENT OF MY OWN CONFIDENCE,
FGC: T4VROS TH4T 1S TH3 DUMB3ST TH1NG 1 H4V3 3V3R H34RD
FGC: LOOK, VR1SK4 OBV1OUSLY H4S SOM3 K1ND OF 1NS1D1OUS H1DD3N 4G3ND4 H3RE, 4ND YOU 4R3 PL4Y1NG R1GHT 1NTO H3R H4NDS
CAG: I don't have any insidious hidden agenda!!!!!!!!
CAG: Look, I just........
CAG: I like helping him, okay?
CAG: I kind of........ get off on it in a weird way, honestly.
FGC: BL4R!!!!!
FGC: VR1SK4 TH4T 1S FUCK1NG D1SGUST1NG, WHY WOULD YOU T3LL M3 TH4T
CAG: 8ecause I have no reason to lie a8out something like this!!!!!!!!
CAG: Why would I want ANYONE to think I have a 8izarre fetish for helping adora8le dorky kids 8ecome 8adass immortal demigods unless it was true????????
FGC: W3LL
FGC: 1 4M 4DM1TT3DLY H4V1NG D1FF1CULTY CONC31V1NG 4 PL4N WH1CH H1NG3S UPON BOTH TH4T B31NG F4LS3 4ND 4NYON3 3LS3 TH1NK1NG 1TS TRU3
CAG: Even if I COULD think of a plan like that, I would deli8er8ely not act on it, 8ecause simply 8y definition, it would have to 8e a really shitty, stupid plan.
FGC: OK4Y F1N3
FGC: 1LL 4SSUM3 YOUR3 B31NG G3NU1N3
FGC: FOR NOW
FGC: BUT T4VROS, 4R3 YOU R34LLY OK4Y W1TH TH1S??
FGC: 1 M34N
FGC: SH3 BROK3 YOUR L3GS, FOR FUCKS S4K3!
CAT: tEREZI, tHAT DOESN'T EVEN MATTER ANYMORE,
CAT: i MEAN, yEAH, vRISKA HURT ME BEFORE,
CAT: bUT IN MY OWN WAY, i KIND OF HURT HER, tOO
CAT: bUT nOW WE'RE MOIRAILS,
CAT: aND ALL THAT MATTERS IS, sHE DID SOMETHING AWESOME FOR ME,
CAT: aND NOW i WANT TO DO AWESOME THINGS FOR HER,
CAG: Aaaaaaaaargfsdkhflkhgfssdffa
CAG: Tavros, you have to WARN me 8efore you say something as cool and adora8le and 8adass as that!!!!!!!!
CAG: <>>>>>>>>!!!!!!!!
CAT: hAHA, oKAY,
CAT: <>
FGC: OK4Y OK4Y GOD
FGC: 1 TH1NK 1M GO1NG TO B3 S1CK
FGC: G3T 4 P1L3 4LR34DY
PCC: O)( my COD, you two are SO GLUBBING ADORABL---E!!!!
PCC: I just KNOW you'll be GR-EAT morayeels!
PCC: And Vriska, don't take t)(is t)(e wrong way, but I t)(ink just getting your s)(ips toget)(er )(as made you a muc)( nicer person already!
CAG: No, you're a8solutely right.
CAG: It's kind of hard to 8e in a 8ad mood after a ridiculous cat girl just waltzed into my life and gave me everything I ever wanted 8ut was too afraid to ask for.
CAC: :33 < h33 h33! youre welcome, vwiskers!
FGC: UUUUGH F1N3
FGC: 1LL L3T TH1S L1TTL3 TR4V3STY OF JUST1C3 BY FOR NOW
FGC: BUT VR1SK4
FGC: 1F TH1S TURNS OUT TO B3 Y3T 4NOTH3R OF YOUR W1CK3D SCH3M3S
FGC: 1M M4K1NG 4 NOOS3 3SP3C14LLY FOR YOU
FGC: >8]
CAG: And how can you do THAT when you don't even know how thick around my neck is????????
FGC: UH
FGC: HOW TH1CK 4ROUND 1S YOUR N3CK 4G41N
CGA: I Told You That Yesterday Four Days From Now
FGC: ...WH4T?
CAG: Oh hey, that reminds me!
CAG: Kanaya, when am I going to get that striking cerulean cravat?
CAG: I need something to cover up all these 8ite marks on my neck.
FGC: OH GOD WH4T
CGA: You Mean The Bite Marks From The Recent Basilisk Ambush
CAG: Yes, of course that's what I mean!!!!!!!!
CGA: Well I Suppose I Could Bring My Tailoring Supplies To Your Hive And Make One For You Almost Immediately
CAG: That would be gr8, thank you!
CGA: And In The Unfortunate And Extremely Unlikely Event That Another Basilisk Ambush Should Occur
CGA: You Can All Rest Assured That It Will Be Attended To Immediately And That Not A Single Drop Of Blood That May Be Spilled Will Go To Waste
CGA: <3
CAG: <33333333
FGC: BL444444R!!!!!!
FGC: VR1SK4 1F YOUR PL4N W4S TO D1SGUST M3 1NTO NOT W4NT1NG TO T4LK TO YOU 4NYMOR3
FGC: TH3N 1TS WORK1NG >8[
CAG: I keep telling you, I don't have a plan!!!!!!!!
CAG: Look, I realize I've done a lot of 8ad things, 8ut I'm trying to 8e a 8etter person now.
CAG: And I'm........
CAG: I'm really sorry for 8linding you, Terezi.
CAG: And I'm sorry for what I did to Tavros and Aradia, too.
CAG: And it's pro8a8ly too much for me to ask you to forgive me........
CAG: 8ut can you at least give me a chance to m8ke it up to you?
FGC: ...
FGC: 1LL TH1NK 4BOUT 1T
CAG: That's all I can ask.
CAG: Thank you.
CURRENT carcinoGeneticist [CCG] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.
CCG: UGH.
CCG: THIS IS SO WEIRD.
CAG: What's weird?
CCG: THIS WHOLE "YOU BEING NICE" THING.
CCG: I DON'T THINK I'LL EVER GET USED TO IT.
CAG: Well, it's a permanent thing, so you'd 8etter!!!!!!!!
CAG: And if you can't deal with that........
CAG: Well, sorry, I guess.
CCG: IT'S JUST
CCG: SO BIZARRE.
CCG: JEGUS
CCG: I MEAN
CCG: WAIT, WHAT DO I MEAN?
CCG: I'M SO OVERWHELMED, I HAVE TO MAKE UP NEW WORDS TO EXPRESS HOW UNNERVING THIS IS.
FGC: J3GUS
FGC: >8D
FGC: 1 L1K3 1T
FGC: J3333GUUUS
FGC: H3H3H3H3H3
CGA: Okay Vriska If You Were Serious About That Thing With The Cravat Ill Be Over There As Soon As Possible
CAG: Of course I was serious!!!!!!!!
CAG: I never joke a8out fashiona8le accessories.
CAG: Just, in the unfortun8 and extremely unlikely event of a 8asilisk am8ush, could I ask you not to spend toooooooo much time cleaning up after it?
CAG: I've got a 8ig day planned with Tavros.
CAT: yES, wE HAVE A LOT OF ADVENTURING TO DO,
CAT: aND THEN, aFTER THAT,
CAT: wE'LL HAVE OUR FIRST FEELINGS JAM,
CAT: }:D
PCC: Oh S)(-ELL yes.
CGA: Yes Thats Fine
CGA: I Dont Want To Keep You All To Myself
CGA: Well I Mean I Do
CGA: But Im Just Trying To Be Considerate Here
CAG: Hahahahahahahaha, it's okay, Kanaya.
CAG: See you soon.
CGA: I Will Be There Immediately
CAG: <3
CGA: <3
CGA ceased responding to memo.
CAT: sO i SUPPOSE,
CAT: i SHOULD TAKE MY TIME GETTING THERE,
CAG: Yeeeeeeeeah, pro8a8ly.
CAG: 8ut hey! There'll still 8e plenty of time for adventuring!
CAG: We'll do some quests, kill some 8easties, get some loot, may8e even gear you up to kill your Denizen!
CAC: :33 < hey wait, dont kill your denizen!
CAG: Huh? Why not????????
CAC: :33 < well, i mean
CAC: :33 < just talk to it furst, okay?
CAG: Um........ okaaaaaaaay????????
CAC: :33 < just trust me!
CAT: yES, i BELIEVE THAT TRUSTING HER,
CAT: iS THE RIGHT THING TO DO,
CAG: Okay, okay, fine.
CAG: So I'll see you soon?
CAT: yES, i'LL DEPART IMMEDIATELY,
CAT: bUT i WON'T, uH, cOME IN YOUR HIVE,
CAT: uNTIL i SEE kANAYA LEAVE,
CAG: Again, pro8a8ly a good idea.
CAG: I'd h8 for you to stum8le onto the aftermath of a 8asilisk am8ush.
CAT: hAHA, rIGHT,
CAT: sEE YOU SOON, vRISKA,
CAG: Later, palem8!!!!!!!!
CAG: <>
CAT: <>
CAT ceased responding to memo.
CAG: Now, if there are no o8jections, I need to prepare my hive for an impromptu tailoring session.
FGC: Y34H Y34H, TH3 PROS3CUT1ON R3STS
FGC: GO DO WH4T3V3R UNSP34K4BLY D3PR4V3D TH1NGS YOUR3 GO1NG TO DO W1TH K4N4Y4
FGC: BUT JUST R3M3MB3R
FGC: 1N TH3 1NC1P1SPH3R3
FGC: WH3N YOU CROSS TH3 L1N3
FGC: YOUR N3CK 1S M1N3
FGC: >8]
CAG: Okay, Terezi, I get it!!!!!!!!
CAG: Jegus, hop off my 8ulge already!!!!!!!!
FGC: H3H3H3H3H3
FGC: J3GUS
FGC: 1T N3V34 STOPS B31NG 4 FUNNY TH1NG TO R34D
CAG: It DOES seem like an awfully funny word.
CAG: Jeeeeeeeeguuuuuuuus.
CAG: Hahahahahahahaha, it's even funny to type!
CCG: FUCK, WOULD YOU TWO SHUT THE HELL UP ABOUT JEGUS ALREADY.
CCG: IT'S NOT A WORD. IT'S NOT EVEN LIKE A WORD.
CCG: IT'S A STUPID MADE UP THING THAT DOESN'T MEAN ANYTHING, OR EVEN COME CLOSE TO MEANING ANYTHING.
PCC: J-EGUS, Karcrab, you are R-E-ELY getting worked up about Jegus!
CAG: W8, is it a proper noun?
CCG: IT'S NOT ANYTHING, JUST SHUT UP.
PCC: I don't know, it just felt like it s)(ould be carpitalized!
FGC: L3TS JUST S4Y J3GUS 1S 4 P3RSON FOR NOW
FGC: 4ND W3 C4N WORK OUT TH3 R3ST OF TH3 D3T41LS L4T3R
CCG: I FUCKING HATE ALL OF YOU.
PCC: Okay, okay, let's stop being retarded for a minute!
PCC: Vriska, I )(ope your first feelings jam goes SWIMMINGLY!
PCC: And I wis)( you t)(e B-EST of luck in ALL your s)(ips!
CAG: Well, thank you, Feferi!
CAG: 8ut I can assure you, the luck is already all mine! >::::D
PCC: Oh, of COURS-E! )(ow silly of me to forget!
PCC: But )(-EY! After your sc)(edule clears up, do you t)(ink maybe we could... )(ang out or somet)(ing?
PCC: I mean, wit)(out Sollux, since )(e's suc)( a big )(ard)(ead!
CAG: Feferi, correct me if I'm wrong here........
CAG: 8ut are you asking to 8e frieeeeeeeends with me????????
PCC: No, I'm asking to be FRONDS wit)( you!!
PCC: But t)(e only difference is spelling.
CAG: Why, this is so scandalous, I can scarcely 8elieve it!!!!!!!!
CAG: 8ut yeah, that sounds cool.
PCC: AW-ESOM-E! 38D
FCC: But for now, I'll just reef you to your devices!
CAG: Yeah, I'm 8ooked all day today, so just hit me up tomorrow.
CAC: :33 < well vwiskers, have fun!
CAC: :33 < and if you efur n33d any advice with your relationships, f33l fur33 to talk to me!
CAG: Sure thing, Nepeta.
CAG: And thanks again for m8king all this happen for me.
CAC: :33 < well, thank you fur giving me a chance to help you!
CAG: Well, thank YOU for giving me a chance at all!
CAC: :33 < well, thank YOU fur...
CAC: :33 < i cant think of anything after that ://
CAG: Hahahahahahahaha, don't worry a8out it.
CAG: Oh hey, Kanaya's here already!!!!!!!
CAG: L8er!
CAG ceased responding to memo.
FGC: J3GUS
FGC: N3P3T4 WH4T D1D YOU DO TO H3R
CAC: :33 < i just gave her a chance!
FGC: BULLSH1T
FGC: SH3S L1K3 4 COMPL3T3LY D1FF3R3NT P3RSON NOW
FGC: OR 4T L34ST SH3S 4CT1NG L1K3 ON3
CAC: :33 < terezi, she was a nice purrson all along!
CAC: :33 < she just n33ded somepawdy to crack her hard outer shell to reveal the beautiful, glistening, surpurrisingly nice purrl that was hidden underneath all along!
FGC: BL44444R!!!
FGC: 1 DONT W4NT TO 1M4G1N3 VR1SK4 4S 4 B34UT1FUL GL1ST3N1NG 4NYTH1NG!!!
CCG: ALRIGHT LOOK, NOW THAT SPIDERTROLL IS DONE SPOUTING HER SELF-OBSESSED BULLSHIT, IT'S TIME FOR ME TO ISSUE MY FUCKING ORDERS HERE.
CCG: NOT THAT ANYONE IS EVEN PROBABLY STILL READING THIS AFTER BEING FORCED TO SIT THROUGH ALL THAT DISGUSTINGLY SAPPY DRIVEL.
FCC: Well, I t)(oug)(t it was sweet!
CCG: YOU THOUGHT YOUR CHTHONIC ABOMINATION OF A LUSUS WAS SWEET.
CCG: SO YOUR OPINION MEANS PRECISELY FUCK ALL.
FCC: Well, GLUBBING FIN-E T)(-EN! >38U
CCG: AS COMPLETELY IDIOTIC AS IT FEELS TO MAKE THESE WORDS COME FROM MY FINGERS
CCG: NEPETA, KEEP SHIPPING ALL THESE TROLLS.
CCG: JUST SHIP THE FUCK OUT OF ALL OF THEM.
CAC: :33 < sir yes sir!
CAC: :33 < any purrticular trolls you want me to ship furst?
CCG: NO, NOT REALLY, JUST DO WHATEVER.
CAC: :33 < alright!
CAC: :33 < then starting now, ill start doing random shipping sw33ps!
CAC: :33 < so if i come out of nowhere and ask you about your f33lings, dont fureak out and assume ive got some zany plot in store fur you!
CAC: :33 < its all one hundred purrcent random, i assure you!
FGC: WH4T TH3 H3LL 1S 4 SH1PP1NG SW33P
CAC: :33 < its just where i ask you who you might be interested in fur a matespurrit or a meowrail!
CAC: :33 < its all compawletely confurdential, i wont tell anypawdy!
CAC: :33 < well, maybe i will if two people really like each other and are just too dumb to tell each other!
CCG: I HATE TO ADMIT IT, BUT THE IDEA OF "RANDOM SHIPPING SWEEPS" IS SOMEHOW LESS RETARDED THAN IT SOUNDS.
CCG: BUT IT SOUNDS ABOUT AS RETARDED AS A GRUB ON SOPOR, SO DON'T READ TOO MUCH INTO THAT.
FGC: Y34H, 1T ST1LL SOUNDS PR3TTY STUP1D >8/
PCC: It's a GR-EAT idea!
PCC: We all just need somebody to talk to about our feelings!
PCC: And w)(o betta t)(an a searious s)(ipper on a searious mission to s)(ip t)(e fuck out of ALL of t)(ese trolls??
CAC: :33 < exactly!!
FGC: LOOK N3P3T4
FGC: YOUR3 MY FR13ND 4ND 4LL
FGC: BUT TH1S WHOL3 SH1PP1NG QU3ST 1S S3R1OUSLY TH3 DUMB3ST FUCK1NG TH1NG
CCG: HEY, LAY THE FUCK OFF, TEREZI.
FGC: WH4T!!!!
CCG: LOOK, I REALIZE IT SOUNDS STUPID AS HELL, BUT NEPETA KNOWS WHAT THE FUCK SHE'S DOING.
CCG: I MEAN, YOU SAW WHAT SHE FUCKING DID WITH VRISKA, DIDN'T YOU??
CCG: THERE WAS A SERIOUSLY DEGENERATE TRIANGLE GOING ON THERE, AND SHE HANDLED IT WITH A MATCHMAKER'S DEFTNESS THAT WOULD LEAVE TROLL WILL SMITH GREEN IN THE FACE WITH ENVIOUS RAGE.
FGC: 1M ST1LL NOT SO SUR3 4BOUT VR1SK4
CCG: OH, WILL YOU JUST GET OVER YOUR MASSIVE HATEBULGE FOR HER ALREADY??
FGC: >8O!!!!!
FGC: 1TS NOT 3V3N L1K3 TH4T!!!
CCG: WELL THEN WHAT THE HELL IS IT?
CCG: IT DOESN'T TAKE A SEER OF FUCKING MIND TO SEE SHE'S DISGUSTINGLY SERIOUS ABOUT ALL THIS SAPPY ROMANCE SHIT.
CCG: AND I KNOW YOU DON'T EVEN GIVE A FUCK THAT SHE BLINDED YOU.
CCG: SO WHAT ELSE COULD IT BE BUT AN ENORMOUS, THROBBING BLACKCRUSH?
FGC: W3R3NT YOU TH3 ON3 COMPL41N1NG 4BOUT 4BSURD C4L1G1NOUS SP3CULAT1ON JUST MOM3NTS 4GO?
CCG: THAT WAS PAST ME, HE'S COMPLETELY FULL OF SHIT.
CCG: FUTURE ME IS OBVIOUSLY ONLY AGREEING WITH HIM IN THE FUTURE TO MAKE SOLLUX LOOK LIKE AN ASSHOLE.
FGC: UGH WH4T3VER
FGC: JUST DO WH4T3VER TH3 H3LL YOU W4NT N3P3T4
FGC: NOT L1K3 1 C4N STOP YOU
CAC: :33 < youll be singing a diffurent tune after ive shipped you!
FGC: Y3S 1 W1LL
FGC: 1T W1LL B3 4 STUP1D 1D1OT TUN3 FOR STUP1D 1D1OTS
FGC: >8P
FGC ceased responding to memo.
CCG: NEPETA, DON'T LISTEN TO HER, SHE'S JUST PISSED OFF ABOUT VRISKA.
CAC: :33 < yeah, i figured shed be like that
CAC: :33 < but i dont care about anypawdys stupid little grudges!
CAC: :33 < im here to help efurrypawdy!
PCC: You know, Carpkat, you were AWFULLY quick to Nepeta's defense back t)(ere...
CCG: WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?
PCC: O)(, not)(ing...
PCC: Glub glub glub! 38D
PCC ceased responding to memo.
CCG: SERIOUSLY, WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?
CCG: WHATEVER, YOU HAVE YOUR ORDERS.
CCG: I'M DONE HERE.
CCG ceased responding to memo.
CAC: :33 < alright!
CAC: :33 < look out, trolls, beclaws the rogue of heart is now officially on the purrowl!
CAC: :33 < *the rogue hurries you out of her shipping office and shuts the door, eager to return to her shipping plans*
CAC ceased responding to memo.

CAC closed memo.

***

Nepeta pondered for a moment. Now she had free license to ship whoever she wanted, and all sorts of ships were already forming in her head. But suddenly, she remembered something more important: she still had to talk to Equius! Didn't want to cause a paradox or something silly like that. She quickly opened a new Trollian window and started a conversation with her moirail.

arsenicCatnip [AC] began trolling centaursTesticle [CT].

AC: :33 < *ac is laying on cts robotics pile, playing with some loose wires furom a ropawtic arm*
CT: D --> Nepeta
AC: :33 < *s33ing ct, she drops the arm and happily pouncegr33ts him!*
CT: D --> If there is a point to this harassment, please get to it
AC: :33 < sh33sh, equius, why are you so grumpy??
CT: D --> I am merely
CT: D --> Irritated
CT: D --> That you would publicly engage in this "shipping" nonsense without my e%press consent
AC: :33 < oh, i didnt even think about that
AC: :33 < sorry :((
CT: D --> I forgive you
CT: D --> But please be more considerate in the future
AC: :33 < okay
AC: :33 < but you know karkitty ordered me to k33p shipping, right?
CT: D --> Yes
CT: D --> I understand he commanded you to focus your efforts on Vriska
CT: D --> And while I would rather you not associate with the cer00lean-b100d at all
CT: D --> It is not my intent to foment sedition
AC: :33 < to what??
CT: D --> Just do the Vriska thing
AC: :33 < oh, i already did!
CT: D --> What
AC: :33 < i already found her a matespurrit and a meowrail
CT: D --> But
CT: D --> You just started yesterday
CT: D --> It's 100dicrous that you could fill her quadrants so quickly
AC: :33 < well i did!
AC: :33 < now kanaya is her matespurrit and tavros is her meowrail
CT: D --> But that's
CT: D --> Give me a moment
AC: :33 < okay
CT: D --> Ok
CT: D --> As preposterous as it sounds, apparently you aren't lying
AC: :33 < of course im not lion!!
CT: D --> But
CT: D --> Vriska is one of the most distin%ly unlikable people I have ever had the displeasure of knowing
CT: D --> Or at least was
CT: D --> How did you do that
AC: :33 < thats what i wanted to talk to you about, actually
CT: D --> Really
AC: :33 < yeah
AC: :33 < s33, i was talking to vwiskers
AC: :33 < trying to help her with her purroblems
AC: :33 < and things got kind of
AC: :33 < uh
AC: :33 < pale
CT: D --> Oh
AC: :33 < yeah ://
CT: D --> Oh my
AC: :33 < im sorry, equius! :((
CT: D --> Well
CT: D --> Did she, um
CT: D --> Reciprocate
AC: :33 < no, not really!
AC: :33 < it was all on my end!
CT: D --> Ok
CT: D --> And it was just once, right
AC: :33 < yes!
AC: :33 < well, actually
CT: D --> What
AC: :33 < befur that, i got kind of pale with kanaya, too
CT: D --> I
CT: D --> E%cuse me for a moment
CT: D --> I'm suddenly perspiring
AC: :33 < im really sorry!
AC: :33 < i just wanted to help them so badly!
CT: D --> Nepeta
CT: D --> Do you find my ability as a moirail to be
CT: D --> Inadequate
AC: :33 < no!! its not like that at all!!!
AC: :33 < nopawdy could EFUR replace you as my meowrail!
AC: :33 < beclaws i know nopawdy understands me the way you do!
AC: :33 < i was just trying to help them, thats all!
AC: :33 < i just got a little carried away
CT: D --> So
CT: D --> You were simply following orders
AC: :33 < yes!
CT: D --> And you felt that applying your skills as a moirail was the best way to e%ecute your mission
AC: :33 < i guess, kind of
CT: D --> That is a%eptable
AC: :33 < really?
CT: D --> Your intentions were pure
CT: D --> You were simply carrying out your orders in the way you felt best suited your e%pertise
CT: D --> So yes, it's fine
AC: :33 < well, thank you fur being so understanding, equius!!
CT: D --> You're welcome
CT: D --> Besides, I believe most of our teammates could benefit from the skills of an e%pert moirail
CT: D --> Even if only temporarily
CT: D --> And I believe you will find that as moirails go, you are simply the best there is
AC: :33 < but how can i be the best meowrail
AC: :33 < when clearly YOURE the best meowrail??
CT: D --> No, you are tr00ly the best moirail
CT: D --> It's you
AC: :33 < lets just compurrmise and say were BOTH the best meowrails!
CT: D --> Yes, that is a%eptable
AC: :33 < yes! another misunderstanding conquered!
CT: D --> E%cellent
AC: :33 < <>
CT: D --> <>
CT: D --> Anyway, is that all you wished to di%uss
AC: :33 < well, i guess you havent read the latest memo yet
AC: :33 < but karkitty told me to k33p shipping!
AC: :33 < so maaaaybe
AC: :33 < i could start with you!
CT: D --> No
CT: D --> This is una%eptable
AC: :33 < come oooon!!
CT: D --> If you abso100tely must ship me
CT: D --> You will do it last
AC: :33 < i cant do that!!
AC: :33 < what about second to last?
CT: D --> That is
CT: D --> Unusually specific
CT: D --> But fine
AC: :33 < okay, i wont ship you yet
AC: :33 < but can we at least talk about who i MIGHT ship you with?
CT: D --> Why
AC: :33 < beclaws therell be less options if you wait fur so long!
AC: :33 < you might have to choose betw33n tavros and sollux, or something like that!
CT: D --> Nepeta
CT: D --> I have told you at length not to bring up this nonsensical pairing between me and the mudb100d
AC: :33 < i think youd be cute together!!
CT: D --> No
CT: D --> You will stop
CT: D --> I command you to stop
AC: :33 < okay fine!
AC: :33 < ill admit its a crack ship anyway
CT: D --> It tr00ly perple%es me how you form001ate these absurd pairings
CT: D --> Why can't you ship me with Aradia, for e%ample
CT: D --> Or perhaps the indigo b100d
AC: :33 < beclaws those are both cr33py and weird!!
CT: D --> No they aren't
AC: :33 < yes they are!
CT: D --> No
AC: :33 < yes
CT: D --> No
AC: :33 < yes
CT: D --> They aren't
AC: :33 < yes they totally are!!!
CT: D --> How are they creepy or weird
AC: :33 < you tried to put a chip in aradias heart to make her flushed fur you!!
CT: D --> That was
CT: D --> Admittedly out of line
AC: :33 < anyway, she spends more time slapping you than kissing you!
CT: D --> Some of those slappings were a%idental
AC: :33 < whatefur, just admit it!
AC: :33 < shed rather be your hissmesis than your matespurrit!
CT: D --> No
AC: :33 < yessss yes yes yes!!!!
CT: D --> Well
CT: D --> What about the indigo b100d
AC: :33 < you dont even like anything about gamz33!
AC: :33 < all you care about is his stupid blood!
CT: D --> His b100d is not "stupid"
CT: D --> It is the highest, purest b100d a landdweller can possess
CT: D --> It is tr00ly
CT: D --> E%quisite
AC: :33 < cr333333py!!!
CT: D --> It is not creepy
CT: D --> It is the way of our society
AC: :33 < our society doesnt exist anymore, equius!!
CT: D --> So you would have us di%ard all of our e%isting traditions
AC: :33 < no, just the stupid ones like the hemeowspectrum!!
CT: D --> The hemospe%rum is not stupid
AC: :33 < yes it is!!
AC: :33 < its stupid and its unfair and you and that cr33p eridan are the only ones who even give a shit about it anymore!!
CT: D --> Nepeta, watch your language
AC: :33 < ugh, sorry
CT: D --> I refuse to di%uss this any further
AC: :33 < well, we have to di%uss it eventually!
CT: D --> Fine
CT: D --> Later
CT: D --> But if you would not ship me with either of those two
CT: D --> Who would you ship me with
CT: D --> And if you say the fudgeb100d, I am di%onne%ing
AC: :33 < i wasnt going to!
AC: :33 < actually, befur i dealt with vwiskers, my top ship fur your matespurrit was kanaya!
CT: D --> Uh
CT: D --> Really
AC: :33 < yeah!
AC: :33 < beclaws shes really nice and classy and supurr pawlite!
AC: :33 < and you guys could do all sorts of supurr classy stuff together!
CT: D --> As silly as those reasons are
CT: D --> I occasionally interact with Kanaya as her server player
CT: D --> And she is a%ually quite pleasant company
CT: D --> And though she is merely a jadeb100d
CT: D --> She does carry herself with unusual grace
CT: D --> And her position as keeper of the Matriorb is respe%able in its own right
CT: D --> Nepeta, as f001ish as this may sound
CT: D --> That would a%ually be an a%eptable ship
AC: :33 < yeah, s33?
AC: :33 < im better at this than you think!
CT: D --> But now she is with that cer001ean h001igan
CT: D --> So it hardly matters
AC: :33 < well, there are others!
CT: D --> Like who
AC: :33 < hmmmmmm
AC: :33 < what about terezi?
CT: D --> No
CT: D --> I find her fi%ations on roleplaying and punitive violence to be distasteful
CT: D --> And frankly
CT: D --> Her olfactory habits are a bit
CT: D --> Disturbing
AC: :33 < yeah, she is kinda weird
AC: :33 < ooh ooh hey!!
AC: :33 < what about
AC: :33 < you and fefurry?
CT: D --> Uh
CT: D --> The seadweller
AC: :33 < yeah!
CT: D --> Surely you have been sch001fed on the eternal b100d feud between landdwellers and seadwellers
AC: :33 < yeah, but who cares about that!
AC: :33 < shes really nice and sw33t and she has a great sense of humor
AC: :33 < and shes like a purrincess so shes supurr classy and noble purretty much by default!
CT: D --> She is not a princess, she is an heiress
CT: D --> She stands in line to inherit the entirety of the Alternian empire
CT: D --> Due to her royal tyrian b
CT: D --> Oh god
AC: :33 < what?
CT: D --> Her b100d
CT: D --> I hadn't even thought about it
CT: D --> It's just so
CT: D --> E%quisitely purple
AC: :33 < yeah yeah, who cares about her stupid blood?
AC: :33 < she also has an apurreciation for fauna, just like you!
CT: D --> My goodness
CT: D --> The mere thought is making me sweat
AC: :33 < i guess shes in some kind of relationship with sollux right now
AC: :33 < but im not sure if theyre matespurrits or meowrails
CT: D --> Fiddlesti%
CT: D --> I already require a fresh towel
AC: :33 < are you even listening to me??
CT: D --> Yes, sorry, it's just
CT: D --> I'm having such
CT: D --> 100rid thoughts about her b100d
AC: :33 < ugggghhh, you and your cr33py blood fetish again!
CT: D --> It's unthinkable
CT: D --> She's a seadweller
CT: D --> A mortal enemy of landdwellers
CT: D --> But her tyrian b100d is so
CT: D --> So pure
AC: :33 < yknow, with her impurrial blood
AC: :33 < im puretty sure shes naturally dispawsed to being...
AC: :33 < commanding
CT: D --> Hrrrrrk
CT: D --> Oh god
CT: D --> This towel is abso100tely drenched already
CT: D --> Shit
CT: D --> I mean
CT: D --> Oh goodness, pardon my language
CT: D --> This is just
CT: D --> So OBSCENE
AC: :33 < ugh, okay, just stop!!!
AC: :33 < i was just joking!
AC: :33 < god, you are so weird!
CT: D --> Yes
CT: D --> Let's stop talking about this now
AC: :33 < well, thats all we really had to talk about
AC: :33 < oh, except you n33d to read my latest memo!
CT: D --> Why
AC: :33 < beclaws you reminded me to talk to you in the memo
CT: D --> Oh
CT: D --> A time 100p
AC: :33 < at least, i think thats why
AC: :33 < i dont get this weird time shit at all!
CT: D --> Language, Nepeta
AC: :33 < oops, sorry :((
CT: D --> Were you using any of this e%cremental language in your memo
AC: :33 < uh
AC: :33 < well
CT: D --> Gracious, Nepeta, what will I do with you
CT: D --> I can't stop you from col100ding with lowb100ds
CT: D --> But don't let their foul vernacular pol100t your speech
CT: D --> I suppose I'll have to admonish past you in the near future
AC: :33 < yeah, thats actually what you did
AC: :33 < or do, i guess
CT: D --> Oh
AC: :33 < ugh, now i dont know if you respawnded to my memo to remind me to talk to you or to tell me not to cuss!
CT: D --> Well
CT: D --> Now I don't either
AC: :33 < time loops are so stupid!!
CT: D --> Yes
CT: D --> That 100% to be something we agree on 100%
AC: :33 < well, i guess ill leave you to do that
CT: D --> Very well
CT: D --> But should you ever need emotional support
CT: D --> You can always 100k to me
AC: :33 < of course! thats what meowrails are fur!
AC: :33 < <>
CT: D --> <>
AC: :33 < talk to you later, equius!
CT: D --> And I will talk to past you immediately, Nepeta
CT: D --> Goodbye

centaursTesticle [CT] ceased trolling arsenicCatnip [AC].

Nepeta closed the Trollian window with a satisfied sigh. Now that her conscience was clean of possible pale infidelities and Equius had at least mostly approved of her actions, she was free to ship whoever she wanted. She briefly pondered her next move. Should she find a matesprit for Tavros? How about a new moirail for Kanaya? Maybe she should nail down just what's going on between Sollux and Feferi before it complicated things.

But before she could put any of her thoughts into action, a new Trollian window popped up on her screen, dashing her hopes. And as she processed the lines of purple dialogue filling the window, a single thought popped into her mind: Oh god, not this asshole.

(And then another: Language, Nepeta.)

Chapter 5: Hope Springs Eternal

Chapter 5

Hope Springs Eternal

caligulasAquarium [CA] began trolling arsenicCatnip [AC].

CA: alright i knoww youre done talkin to your swweaty asshole moirail by noww so i need to fuckin talk to you about somethin
CA: an dont evven pretend like youre not there
CA: honestly wwhere the fuck else wwould you evven be
CA: by my wwatch you literally just finished gabbin to him about wwhatevver musclebeast leavvins you twwo jaww about seconds ago
AC: :33 < ugh
AC: :33 < howd you know i just finished talking to equius?
CA: cause he said hed just finished talkin to you 21 minutes in the future on your ridiculous fuckin memo
CA: and that wwas 21 minutes ago
CA: and 21 - 21 = 0 meanin that particular thing is happenin right fuckin noww
CA: wwoww imagine that the seadwweller is capable a elementary temporal reasonin and basic fuckin arithmetic
AC: :33 < so you were just counting down the minutes until you could talk to me?
AC: :33 < you are so cr33py
CA: oh PLEASE nep dont evven assume your of anythin more than marginal fuckin importance to me
CA: i just made a mental note to contact you later wwhile i movved on to more important things i had to do OF WWHICH THERE ARE SEVVERAL
AC: :33 < like what?
AC: :33 < killing angels and drinking soda?
CA: none a your fuckin business alright
CA: as a proper seadwweller ivve alwways got to be makin neww schemes
CA: its nothin a fuckin olivve blooded dreg wwould understand
AC: :33 < ugh, whatefur
AC: :33 < why didnt you respawnd to the memo?
CA: that wwhole thing wwas fuckin disgustin
CA: i dont knoww wwhy vvris of all peoples spillin her fuckin guts out about all her red feelins but the wwhole thing made me wwanna retch
CA: seariously nep wwhat the fuck did you do to my former kismesis
CA: she used to be a proper fuckin scourge a the seas and noww shes more like a wwiggler storybook princess
AC: :33 < i just convinced her to try being nice
AC: :33 < maybe YOU should try it sometime!
CA: yeah fuckin right
CA: the day you sea me bein nice is one day before you sea me swwingin from my hivve by my fuckin neck
AC: :33 < well, it worked fur vwiskers!
AC: :33 < she tried it, and now shes got a loving matespurrit and a pawesome meowrail!
AC: :33 < hows being a big stupid jerk working fur you?
CA: god nep youre gettin really wworked up ovver this
CA: i mean im flattered but honestly i got important fuckin things i wwanted to talk to you about here
AC: :33 < why would you be fl
AC: :33 < uuurrrghrgrhhggh
AC: XOO < ERIDAN I AM NOT FLIRTING WITH YOU!!!
CA: please nep wwere not evven fuckin talkin about this right noww
AC: :33 < ugh
AC: :33 < fur once we agr33 on something
AC: :33 < so what do you want
CA: alright look
CA: i saww wwhat you did to vvris
CA: and by saww it i mean i literally saww the wwhole sappy fuckin disgustin spiel
AC: :33 < what?
AC: :33 < how did you s33 it?
CA: because im your fuckin servver player remember
CA: i can sea evverythin that goes on inside your fuckin hivve
CA: or did you actually fuckin forget about howw i brought you into the game and savved your fuckin life
CA: YOURE FUCKIN WWELCOME BY THE WWAY
AC: :33 < argh, i actually completely furgot about that!! XPP
CA: wwoww THATS a fuckin surprise
AC: :33 < but why were you watching me?
AC: :33 < do you watch me all the time, you big cr33p??
CA: ugh please
CA: i check on it occasionally and most a the time youre not evven there
CA: an evven wwhen you are youre usually doin somethin like paintin on your wwalls or trollin on your grubtop
CA: an then i swwitch it off cause believve it or not i dont get off on wwatchin an autistic cattroll do boring shit
CA: AND NO I DONT WWATCH YOU IN THE HYGIENEBLOCK GIVVE ME A LITTLE FUCKIN CREDIT HERE
CA: but yesterday i saww you wwith tavv an kan an you wwere wworkin on some kinda big devvious plot
CA: so can you blame me for wwantin to sea that shit go dowwn
AC: :33 < yes i can!
AC: :33 < in fact, here i am blaming you right now!
CA: ok nep is that gesture really necessary
AC: :33 < aha! youre watching me right now!
AC: :33 < youre such a big cr33py weirdo jerk!!
CA: really fuckin mature nep
CA: howw wwould you like it if i sent a screenshot a this to your swweaty palepal
CA: im sure hed disapprovve a these lewwd hand formations
CA: wwait i mean 100d
AC: :33 < hed purrobably understand since its directed at you!
CA: alright fine
CA: howw about i send him some evvidence i collected a you wwaxin pale for vvris instead
AC: :33 < what!!!
CA: i havve the screenshots nep
CA: you holdin her hand and lookin like youre about twwo seconds awway from tacklepouncin her into a fuckin pile
CA: really scandalous stuff i can assure you
AC: :33 < eridan, are you seriously trying to blackmail me???
CA: blackmails such an ugly wword
CA: wwait wwhat am i sayin blackmails a beautiful fuckin wword
CA: so yes im blackmailin you
AC: :33 < well too bad!!
AC: :33 < beclaws thats what i was talking to equius about and he completely understood!
CA: oh please
CA: nep thats such a fuckin transparent bluff
AC: :33 < send it to him, s33 if i care!
CA: im wwarnin you nep this wwill completely destroy you
AC: :33 < just do it, ampurra
CA: wwell dont say i didnt wwarn you
CA: sendin it noww
AC: :33 < good!
CA: ok
CA: uh wwoww
CA: holy shit nep i had no idea eq wwas capable a bein so fuckin rude
CA: like hes threatenin to rip my fuckin throat out for evven snoopin on you like that
CA: aaand he just blocked me
AC: :33 < h33 h33, told you so!
CA: wwell shit
AC: :33 < dont you mean
AC: :33 < whale shit??
CA: look nep leavve the nautical puns to the fuckin seadwwellers alright
AC: :33 < i guess i just took the WIND OUT OF YOUR SAILS
AC: :33 < and now youre DEAD IN THE WATER
CA: ugh
AC: :33 < you shouldve known that LOOSE LIPS SINK SHIPS
CA: ok holy shit just fuckin stop already please
AC: :33 < and why should i, eridan?
AC: :33 < or would you purrfur i just block you instead?
AC: :33 < beclaws i dont really f33l like doing anything fur you right now!
CA: alright look
CA: extortion didnt wwork
CA: but im not too proud to beg
CA: so please nep youvve gotta fuckin help me
AC: :33 < why?
CA: because im a miserable fuckin wwreck
CA: all i evver did since the beginnin a this fuckin game wwas alienate evverybody around me
CA: an noww im stuck on this shitty fuckin planet killin fuckin angels wwith this shitty fuckin gun and nobodys evven wwillin to givve me the time a fuckin night
CA: an i cant fuckin take it anymore
CA: im so lonely nep
CA: please
AC: :33 < well...
AC: :33 < why do you want my help?
AC: :33 < im just a stupid kittycat shipper cave girl, arent i?
CA: nep no i
CA: look just hear me out here alright
CA: i saww the wway you handled vvris
CA: and it wwas the most amazin fuckin thing ivve evver seen
CA: you wworked your heart magic on her like a proper fuckin wwizard a the quadrants
CA: wwait i mean
CA: you wworked your heart science on her like a proper fuckin empiricist a the quadrants
CA: wweavvin black into pale and pale into red like a fuckin alchemist
CA: wwait shit alchemys just the fake magic vversion a chemistry
AC: :33 < whats your point here?
CA: my point is i saww what you did for kan and vvris
CA: an i wwant you to do that for me and fef
CA: i wwant you to make her flushed for me
AC: :33 < i cant make fefurry do anything!
CA: wwhy the fuck not
CA: you did it to vvris didnt you
AC: :33 < i didnt make vwiskers do anything either!
AC: :33 < i didnt use some magic spell to make her fall fur kanaya or something stupid like that!
CA: oh come on nep im not suggestin you used any kinda magic
CA: but clearly you did somethin
AC: :33 < look, vwiskers always liked kanaya
AC: :33 < she just didnt think she was flushed fur her
AC: :33 < beclaws she didnt think she could have red f33lings fur anypawdy!
AC: :33 < all i did was show her that she already did
AC: :33 < fur kanaya and tavros both!
CA: ok so do that for fef
AC: :33 < but i dont know if fefurry actually likes you like that!
CA: sure she does
CA: i mean kan broke up her moirallegiance wwith vvris cause she wwanted to be her matesprit right
CA: wwho says fef isnt doin the same thing
AC: :33 < i think fefurry wouldve b33n a little more furthcoming about it than that
CA: wwhat the fuck does that evven mean
AC: :33 < it just s33ms like shed be a little more direct!
AC: :33 < i mean, kanayas always kind of cagey and withdrawn
AC: :33 < but fefurry purretty much wears her heart on her sl33ve
AC: :33 < oh wait, she doesnt even have sl33ves!
AC: :33 < if she liked you like that, i dont think shed really have any reason withhold it furom you
CA: so youre sayin she doesnt lovve me
CA: or pity me or wwhatevver fuckin wword wwere usin here
AC: :33 < im not saying that!
AC: :33 < im just not sure if shes flushed fur you
CA: howw is that any fuckin different from wwhat i just said
AC: :33 < theres other kinds of love besides flushed love!
CA: I DONT WWANT ANY OTHER KIND OF FUCKIN LOVVE
CA: all i wwant is for her to be my matesprit
CA: i just
CA: im so flushed for her it physically fuckin hurts
CA: please nep youvve got to at least try to get her to lovve me
AC: :33 < alright, look
AC: :33 < ill talk to her, okay?
AC: :33 < ill s33 if she could maybe be flushed fur you
CA: wwhat youre just gonna ask her about me
CA: that seems kinda obvvious
AC: :33 < i wont just ask about you!
AC: :33 < itll be a random shipping sw33p
AC: :33 < just not so random
AC: :33 < ill ask her about both her quadrants and s33 who she might be interested in in general
CA: alright fine
CA: just dont go plantin any ridiculous shippin ideas in her head
AC: :33 < ill do my best!
CA: oh and
CA: uh
CA: thanks nep
AC: :33 < yeah, no purroblem, i guess
AC: :33 < ill just open another window now
AC: :33 < brb

arsenicCatnip [AC] began trolling cuttlefishCuller [CC].

AC: :33 < *AWOOOOOGA! AWOOOOOGA!*
AC: :33 < attention citizen!
CC: Glub??
AC: :33 < you are now being subjected to a random shipping sw33p!
AC: :33 < do not attempt to resist!!
CC: O)( no, not a random s)(ipping sweep!
CC: Now all my )(ig)(ly illicit and dubiously legal s)(ips are S)(OR-E to be confiscated!!!
AC: :33 < we will now conduct a full body search!
AC: :33 < please remove your clothes!!
CC: 38O!!!!!
AC: :33 < h33 h33, just kidding!
CC: W)(ale I s)(ould s)(ore )(OP-E so!!!!
CC: W)(ere would I even keep a s)(ip in my clot)(es??
AC: :33 < are you kidding me??
AC: :33 < you could hide a whole fl33t in that goofy skirt of yours!
CC: )(--EY!
CC: It's a little somet)(ing called STYL-E!!
CC: And t)(is skirt was totally IN t)(e day everybody on Alternia died!
CC: W)(ic)( means it'll stay IN pretty muc)( forever!!!
AC: :33 < okay okay, enough talk about fashion
AC: :33 < i have some shipping to do!
CC: Very w)(ale.
CC: I t)(row myself upon t)(e mercy of t)(e s)(ipping court!
AC: :33 < the shipping court HAS no mercy!
CC: O)( no!!! 38C
AC: :33 < now, to begin
AC: :33 < i suppawse we should start with the pawbvious question
AC: :33 < whats up with you and sollux?
CC: Yea)(, I guess t)(at is t)(e obvious place to start.
CC: I mean, I R-E-ELY like Sollux. I do!!
CC: But I'm not reely s)(ore w)(at quadrant we're in!
AC: :33 < really?
CC: Yea)(! I mean...
CC: I've asked )(im about it, but )(e's never given me a straig)(t answer.
CC: I T)(INK )(e wants to be matesprits, but )(e's never tried to make it offis)(ial!
AC: :33 < huh, that's weird
AC: :33 < what do you want to be?
CC: T)(at's t)(e t)(ing. I don't reely )(AV-E a preference!
CC: I'd be )(appy being matesprits OR morayeels!
AC: :33 < really?
AC: :33 < youd be okay with being his meowrail?
CC: I wouldn't just be OKAY wit)( it!
CC: I'd LOV-E to be )(is morayeel!
AC: :33 < wow, thats a really rare attitude to s33!
AC: :33 < it s33ms like most trolls think meowrallegiance is worse than matespurritship somehow
CC: W)(ale, most trolls are just DUMB!
CC: Moirallegiance is just as good as matesprits)(ip! Maybe even B-ETTA!
AC: :33 < oh, i agr33!!
AC: :33 < i think equius has done more fur me than any matespurrit ever could!
AC: :33 < i mean, sometimes we get on each others nerves
AC: :33 < but were both a meowllion times better off fur being together!
CC: --EXACTLY!!
CC: I reely envy you sometimes, Nepeta! You and -Equius are suc)( GR-EAT morayeels!
CC: I wis)( I could )(ave somet)(ing like t)(at wit)( Sollux...
AC: :33 < really?
CC: But I'd love to be )(is matesprit, too!!
CC: I just t)(ink )(e reely needs a morayeel.
CC: We're )(appy toget)(er most of t)(e time, but sometimes )(e's so mopey and miserable, it just drives me CRAZY!
AC: :33 < yeah, hes really moody sometimes
AC: :33 < maybe ill talk to him about it when his shipping sw33p comes up!
CC: O)( COD, )(e's not gonna like T)(AT...
AC: :33 < well he can just deal with it!!!
CC: )(a)(a)(a, Y-EA)(! T)(AT'S t)(e spirit!!
CC: Glub glub glub!! 38D
AC: :33 < well, i guess well leave that in the air fur now
AC: :33 < now, to move on to the next most purressing issue...
CC: -Eridan?
AC: :33 < yeah ://
CC: *SIIIG)(...*
CC: I suppose it's inevitable.
CC: Are any of t)(ese t)(oug)(ts going to find t)(eir way to )(im, by any c)(ance?
AC: :33 < only if you think itll help
CC: ...
CC: You know, maybe it will.
CC: I just don't t)(ink I could ever be in a romantic relations)(ip wit)( )(im.
AC: :33 < really?
AC: :33 < why not?
CC: W)(ale, it's just...
CC: Before t)(e game, I tried R-E-ELY )(ard to be a good morayeel.
CC: But )(e foug)(t me every step of t)(e way!
CC: And it just got -EX)(AUSTING trying to keep )(im out of trouble w)(ile )(e was constantly resisting!
CC: I mean, I t)(oug)(t )(e )(AT-ED me!
CC: I figured )(e was just -ENDURING me in t)(e way only a particularly dangerous morayeel can.
CC: After we entered t)(e game, I figured ending our moirallegiance would be doing )(im a FAVOR!
CC: W)(en )(e confessed )(e was flus)(ed for me, I was )(onestly s)(ocked!
AC: :33 < so you dont want to be his meowrail?
CC: Definitely not.
AC: :33 < could you s33 yourself being his matespurrit?
CC: I... w)(ale...
CC: Did )(e put you up to t)(is?
CC: Is )(e suggesting I broke up wit)( )(im as a part of some Kanayaesque quadrant-flipping gambit?
AC: :33 < is kanayaesque a word now?
CC: Y-ES! Please update your dictionary.
AC: :33 < h33 h33, furst thing!
AC: :33 < anyway no, im just curious
CC: W)(ale, t)(e t)(ing is...
CC: T)(is is going to sound )(orrible of me, but...
CC: After everyt)(ing )(e put me t)(roug)( as )(is moirail, it's INCR-EDIBLY )(ard not to resent )(im for it.
CC: I mean, I looked after )(im for SW-E-EPS, and it was like )(e didn't even care about me!
CC: No matter )(ow )(ard I tried to crack )(is s)(ell, )(e was ALWAYS walling me out wit)( )(is endless emotional t)(eatrics!
CC: And w)(en I was t)(e one w)(o needed support, )(e acted t)(e same way!
CC: Our moirallegiance was always completely one-sided.
CC: )(ow do I know our matesprits)(ip wouldn't be t)(e same?
CC: I mean, I know )(e wants me to love )(im, but w)(o says )(e'll R-E-ELY love me back?
CC: I just...
CC: I don't t)(ink I can trust )(im.
AC: :33 < wow...
AC: :33 < im sorry, fefurry :((
CC: No no no, I'M sorry! I'm talking your fins off about my stupid relations)(ip baggage!
AC: :33 < hey, thats what im here fur!
CC: Still, I feel bad for unloading on you like t)(at.
CC: I mean, I don't )(ate -Eridan. I still want )(im to be )(appy.
CC: I want )(im to find a matesprit w)(o reely loves )(im.
CC: I just don't t)(ink it can be me. 38(
AC: :33 < its okay, fefurry
AC: :33 < you cant furce things like this
AC: :33 < anyway, ill find a really good matespurrit fur him, trust me!
CC: W)(ale, I'm S)(O-RE you can find someone WOND-ERFUL for )(im!
CC: If anyone can, it's you!
AC: :33 < thank you, fefurry!
CC: Glub glub! 38)
AC: :33 < anyway, enough about eridan
AC: :33 < are there any other candidates fur your ships?
CC: )(mmm, I don't know! I )(aven't t)(oug)(t about it all t)(at muc)(!
CC: -Especially since I'm not really s)(ore w)(at's going on between me and Sollux!
AC: :33 < well, lets start with matespurrits furst
AC: :33 < any ideas?
CC: Besides Sollux, not reely!
CC: Do you )(ave anyt)(ing on your wall for me?
AC: :33 < well, befur i shipped her with kanaya, my otp fur you was with vwiskers!
CC: R-E-ELY??
AC: :33 < yeah! beclaws youre both fun and adventurous and you love the ocean!
AC: :33 < and shes a tough, battle hardened pirate and youre a nice bubbly princess with the weirdest dark streak, and i think youd just play off each other really nicely!
CC: ...I can sea it, actually.
AC: :33 < i imagine you two pirating together, taking purrisoners and f33ding their lususes to yours, then taking the captives back to her hive
AC: :33 < then you talk about what a big dork eridan is while you brush each others hair, beclaws you both have really long hair and i think its cute fur some reason
AC: :33 < and then she offers you a flagon of mead, and of course you accept, because itd be impawlite to refuse
AC: :33 < and after your third cup, you suddenly find yourself falling on top of her, and she just looks up at you with a mischievous grin as she slides her hand under your
AC: :33 < er
CC: 38|
AC: :33 < uh
CC: It sounds like you've put...
CC: A LOT of t)(oug)(t into t)(is.
AC: :33 < i
AC: :33 < may or may not have written a piece of fiction about it
CC: I... sea.
AC: :33 < anyway lets talk about something else now!!
AC: :33 < since shes with kanaya now and therefur thats pawbviously something thats nefur going to catpun so we dont have to talk about it efur again!!!
CC: Yes okay let's do t)(at!!!!!
CC: Any ot)(er suggestions?
AC: :33 < well, this is gonna sound goofy
AC: :33 < but what about equius?
CC: -Equius? I )(adn't ever really t)(oug)(t about )(im like t)(at.
AC: :33 < well, i know he s33ms like kind of a cr33py jerk
AC: :33 < but hes actually a really nice, considerate, noble guy if you can get past that!
AC: :33 < and he has an apurreciation for fauna, kind of like you!
AC: :33 < and i can tell you hes a GREAT meowrail, fur what thats worth!
CC: Wow, Nepeta, you're R-E-ELY trying to sell me on )(im!
AC: :33 < well, yeah, kinda
AC: :33 < all his other matespurrit ships are cr33py and weird!
CC: I don't know, isn't )(e kind of a )(emospectrum purist?
CC: And doesn't )(e )(ave somet)(ing against seadwellers? -Eridan was always carping about )(ow "disrespectful" )(e was.
CC: I'm not s)(ore we'd be t)(at compatible. 38/
AC: :33 < yeah, hes really stubborn about stupid traditions
AC: :33 < but maybe i can make him change!
AC: :33 < im his meowrail, after all, thats what im suppawsed to do!
CC: W)(ale, it's wort)( a s)(ot!
CC: )(eck, I t)(ink you s)(ould do t)(at even if you AR-EN'T s)(ipping )(im wit)( me!
CC: T)(e )(emospectrum is stupid anyway!
AC: :33 < i agr33 completely!
AC: :33 < but lets put that ship aside fur now
CC: Yea)(, okay.
AC: :33 < actually, i cant really think of anypawdy else fur your flushed quadrant
AC: :33 < tavros, maybe?
CC: Tavros seems nice, I guess, but I don't reely know )(im all t)(at well.
AC: :33 < yeah, its kind of hard shipping fur you, since you nefur really got to know most of us all that well!
CC: Guilty as c)(arged. One of t)(e many drawbacks to being royalty.
CC: W)(ale, w)(at about my pale quadrant? Any ideas t)(ere?
AC: :33 < just a few
AC: :33 < what do you think of kanaya?
CC: Kanaya's cool, I guess! I talked to )(er occasionally before t)(e game started.
CC: I'm not s)(ore )(ow muc)( kelp s)(e'd really need from me, t)(oug)(.
CC: S)(e seems pretty well-adjusted as it is!
AC: :33 < well, shes not really furthcoming about her purroblems
AC: :33 < im sure she has plenty!
AC: :33 < theyre just not really pawbvious
CC: I'd probably be a bad morayeel for )(er, t)(en. I'm T-ERRIBL-E about reading people t)(at deeply!
AC: :33 < yeah, maybe
AC: :33 < hey, what about karkitty?
AC: :33 < hes really upfront about his purroblems!
CC: )(a)(a)(a, o)( COD, I'd probably drive )(im CRAZY!
CC: )(e'd just be like, "HEY FUCKASS, STOP BEING SO FUCKING NICE ALL THE TIME, FUCK FUCK FUCK"
AC: :33 < h33 h33! yeah, purrobably!
CC: I'd be willing to be )(is morayeel, I guess, but I'm not s)(ore )(e'd be willing to let me!
AC: :33 < hmmm, maybe not
AC: :33 < well, thats all ive got, really
AC: :33 < unless you can think of anypawdy else?
CC: No, not reely!
AC: :33 < huh, i guess this sw33p wasnt that purrductive at all!
CC: It's okay!
CC: I mean, I've already KIND OF got one quadrant filled already!
AC: :33 < yeah, i guess
AC: :33 < i really hope you and sollux can figure that out!
CC: I )(ope so too!
CC: I'll talk to )(im about it again, and )(opefully )(e won't be suc)( a big )(ard)(ead about it t)(is time!
AC: :33 < yeah, ill get to him eventually, too!
AC: :33 < anyway, im done here, so i guess ill let you go!
CC: )(ey, wait!
CC: Before you go...
CC: W)(ale...
AC: :33 < hmmm?
CC: Could you, maybe...
CC: Send me t)(at... certain piece of fiction?
AC: :33 < :oo
AC: :33 < really??
CC: Yes reely, just send it!
AC: :33 < well, okay...
-- arsenicCatnip [AC] sent cuttlefishCuller [CC] the file "maiden voyage (vs/fp) [tw: dubcon, bloodplay].doc" --
AC: :33 < its one of my older works, so the writing isnt the greatest
AC: :33 < and please dont send it to anypawdy else, okay??
AC: :33 < i dont want word of my rpf getting out!
AC: :33 < fefurry are you there
CC:   38O
CC:  38:O
CC: 38 :O
CC: Nepeta, t)(is is...
CC: T)(is is OBSC-EN-E!
AC: :33 < sorry!
CC: And for some reason... INCR-EDIBLY arousing!
AC: :33 < oh god
AC: :33 < im thinking i should leave now
CC: T)(anks for t)(e fic!
CC: Wait, )(ow do I make a winking goggles emoticon?
CC: 3P)
CC: T)(at's not very good, but it'll )(ave to do.
AC: :33 < okay yeah bye!!!!!

arsenicCatnip [AC] ceased trolling cuttlefishCuller [CC].

CA: good lord youre takin your swweet fuckin time here
CA: wwhat the fuck are you twwo evven talkin about
CA: howw long does one a these shippin swweeps normally take
CA: assumin theyre a thing youvve evven done before
CA: wwhich i suddenly realize is a fuckin stupid thing to assume
CA: seein as you literally just announced youd start doin em like fivve fuckin minutes ago
CA: god damnit
CA: ok seariously wwhats the fuckin holdup
CA: are you twwo wwritin some kinda horrible fanfiction together or somethin
CA: i cant sea howw else this could possibly take this fuckin long
AC: :33 < there was absolutely no fiction involved!!!!!
CA: wwhoa ok
CA: wwell wwhatd she say
CA: is she wwillin to givve me a chance
AC: :33 < um...
AC: :33 < no
CA: wwhat
CA: thats it just fuckin no
CA: really shes not evven wwillin to consider it
AC: :33 < i dont think shell efur be flushed fur you
AC: :33 < im sorry eridan :((
CA: WWHAT
CA: i
CA: seariously youre that fuckin confident
CA: did you evven fuckin try to convvince her
AC: :33 < i think you should just s33 what she said
-- arsenicCatnip [AC] sent caligulasAquarium [CA] the file "sorryeridan.txt" --
CA: oh god
CA: she resents me
CA: she cant trust me
CA: she thinks i HATED her
CA: i
CA: fuck
CA: this is all my fuckin fault isnt it
CA: ivve been sabotagin evverythin for myself from the fuckin beginnin wwith my constant fuckin emotional theatrics
CA: god
CA: i cannot BELIEVVE wwhat a complete fuckup i am
AC: :33 < its okay, eridan
CA: howw the fuck is it fuckin ok in any fuckin wway wwhatsoevver
AC: :33 < maybe fefurry doesnt want to be your matespurrit
AC: :33 < but she still wants you to be happy!
AC: :33 < she wants you to find another matespurrit
AC: :33 < and i do too!
CA: I DONT WWANT ANOTHER FUCKIN MATESPRIT
CA: all i wwant is her
CA: thats all i evver fuckin wwanted
CA: an noww that i knoww for a fact i cant fuckin havve her i dont sea the fuckin point anymore
CA: may as wwell just check out noww and savve myself the rest a my fuckin useless life
AC: :33 < what????
CA: fef wwas the only thing that made my life wworth livvin
CA: an if shell nevver be mine in this life i may as wwell just end it noww
CA: just step out a my hivve and let the angels kill me
AC: oh for fucks sake, would you just STOP IT!!!!!
CA: wwwwhat
AC: this is just more of your overdramatic bullshit!!
AC: youre not going to kill yourself over a fucking breakup!!
AC: its not the end of the world! its not even the end of your relationship with her!!
AC: she said she wants you to be happy! she said she doesnt hate you!
AC: did you ever consider being friends with her?
AC: have you even tried to talk to her since she broke up with you??
CA: wwell
CA: once or twwice but not really
AC: well why not???
CA: you dont understand nep
CA: it fuckin hurts to evven talk to her
AC: well, why would you want to be with her if it hurts to talk with her???
AC: did you even enjoy talking to her when you were moirails??
AC: i mean at all??
CA: no it wwas a fuckin chore
CA: she wwas alwways hasslin me and basically constantly givvin me shit ovver all my goals and aspirations
AC: so why do you think everything would suddenly become perfect if you were matesprits???
CA: because moirails havve to givve you shit about stuff like that
AC: and what would she do if she was your matesprit? just ignore it??
AC: she was giving you shit about it because she HATED It, and she couldnt get over it, and she wanted it to change!
AC: i mean, youre a racist genocidal hemospectrum worshipper whos constantly trying to kill all landdwellers
AC: and shes a peace loving all accepting heiress who wants to throw out the hemospectrum and couldnt bring herself to harm a cuttlefish!
AC: literally the only thing you have in common is that youre seadwellers!
AC: how could you POSSIBLY put aside your differences to be matesprits??
CA: wwell
CA: i guess it wwouldnt be easy
AC: it wouldnt even happen!!
AC: i mean, what do you even like about her??
AC: what is it thats so fucking great about her that you wont even give the other eight eligible trolls out there an ounce of consideration???
CA: wwell i mean
CA: shes swweet an shes smart an shes funny
CA: theres no shortage a things to like about her shes perfect
AC: SHE IS NOT PERFECT!!!!!!
AC: shes not the flawless goddess you make her out to be, shes just a person!!!
AC: and there are all sorts of things about her that you probably hate but you wont admit to because youve built her up in your mind as the ideal matesprit!!
AC: shes naive and overbearing and condescending and obnoxious and really pretty insensitive sometimes!
CA: wwhoa nep wwhat the hell
AC: im not saying shes a bad person, its just that she has failings!
AC: there are all sorts of things you hate about her and you damn well know it, but youre just ignoring them because you think itll all go away once shes your matesprit!
AC: well guess what, it doesnt fucking work that way!!!
AC: if you ever actually did become matesprits, youd realize all the things about her you cant stand, and shed see everything she hates about you, and the whole thing would just collapse!
AC: because frankly, you two would be fucking TERRIBLE for each other!
AC: there are so many deal breakers for the both of you that its a wonder that youre not fucking kismessises by now!!!
AC: but none of that even occurred to you, because you never even cared about her!!
AC: all you cared about was this big perfect matespritship youd built up in your head!
AC: i mean, have you seen the words youve been using?
AC: you want to have her, and to make her yours, like shes a fucking object that you can possess???
AC: shes a person, eridan!! with feelings!!
AC: and you can never have her as a matesprit if she doesnt love you, and she doesn't!!!
AC: and if you still want her, well, stop wanting that!!
AC: you two were never meant to be matesprits in the first place, and its completely obvious to everyone but you!!!
AC: its not fate, its not destiny, its not serendipity, its not true love transcending all boundaries, its just a stupid idea you got so worked up over that you thought it was the end all be all of existence!!
AC: she doesnt love you, and you dont even love her, so just fucking DEAL WITH IT!!!!!
AC: there are other trolls out there, and frankly, every single one of them is a better match for you than her!
AC: so just get over it, move on, find somebody else to be your matesprit, and get on with your fucking life!!
AC: and for fucks sake, DONT FUCKING KILL YOURSELF, YOU STUPID PIECE OF SHIT!!!!!!!
CA: i
CA: nep
CA: holy shit
AC: :33 < ...sorry
CA: no i mean
CA: youre right
CA: youre absolutely fuckin right about evverythin you just said
CA: shes not wworth this
CA: not wworth takin my fuckin life ovver in any case
CA: but
CA: it hurts nep
CA: knowwin wwhat an unbelievvable hurtful piece a shit i wwas
CA: i mean i knoww i already burned my bridge wwith fef
CA: an im better off just findin another one instead a tryin to rebuild it from the charred fuckin cinders
CA: an im really fuckin sorry in advvance for ovverextendin this awwful fuckin metaphor
CA: but howw do i knoww i can evven set foot on another bridge wwithout settin it ablaze too
AC: :33 < what do you mean?
CA: ugh i kneww that metaphor wwas a piece a shit
CA: wwhat im sayin is fef is the swweetest nicest troll i evver kneww
CA: fivve minutes ago id a said present company excluded but good lord girl youvve got some caliginous fuckin fires in you and quite frankly its kinda fuckin scary
CA: an maybe a little somethin else but im gettin off here
CA: fuck TOPIC i meant gettin OFF TOPIC here
CA: anywway the point is you havve to be a really fuckin contemptible scumbag to wwork up any sorta bad blood wwith somebody like fef
CA: an seein as thats exactly wwhat i fuckin did that pretty much makes me crowwn fuckin prince a contemptible scumbags evverywwhere
CA: so if fef of all people isnt wwillin to givve me a second chance wwhy wwould anybody else feel like extendin a first
AC: :33 < youre not a scumbag, eridan
CA: you cant possibly fuckin mean that
AC: :33 < okay, you kind of are a scumbag
CA: there noww wwere gettin somewwhere
AC: :33 < h33 h33!
AC: :33 < sorry, anyway
AC: :33 < youre not hopeless
AC: :33 < you just n33d a little help
CA: so you wwant to help me
AC: :33 < of course i want to help you!
AC: :33 < i just have a few conditions
CA: alright fine name em
AC: :33 < furst of all, we do things my way
AC: :33 < ill take your suggestions, but you dont get to give me orders
AC: :33 < okay?
CA: ok sure
AC: :33 < and second, im not finding you a hissmesis
CA: oh please nep
CA: i dont evven wwant your help findin a fuckin kismesis ok
CA: im brewwin my owwn fuckin plans for my black quadrant as wwe speak
CA: so ivve kinda got it under fuckin control
AC: :33 < suuuure eridan, whatefur you say
CA: alright fine is that it
AC: :33 < well...
AC: :33 < oh! one more thing!
AC: :33 < you have to apawlogize to me fur the little incident on lowaa
CA: god nep youre really twwistin the fuckin knife here
AC: :33 < h33 h33, what can i say?
AC: :33 < i just like s33ing you squirm fur some reason!
CA: wwell wwhat specifically am i apologizin for here
CA: i mean are you mad that i evven asked at all
AC: :33 < no! i dont blame you fur expurressing interest
AC: :33 < its just... the way you asked
AC: :33 < it was really cr33py and kind of mean
CA: alright alright
CA: ill admit demandin your hand in matespritship as compensation for bringin you into the game wwas pretty fuckin loww a me
CA: or should i say lowwaa me
CA: fuck ok that wwas a terrible fuckin pun sorry
CA: anywway the wway i took your response wwas fuckin uncalled for too
CA: an bringin up the wwhole thing again on your memo wwasnt cool either
CA: so sorry about all that
AC: :33 < okay, apawlogy accepted!
AC: :33 < i furgive you, eridan
CA: thanks i guess
CA: so wwill you help me noww
AC: :33 < yes!
CA: ok great
CA: so wwhere do wwe start
AC: :33 < we start with the most pawbvious thing
AC: :33 < shipping!
CA: oh for gods sake nep is that your answwer to fuckin evverything
AC: :33 < eridan, i really think you n33d a matespurrit!
AC: :33 < itll help you get ofur this whole fefurry thing!
CA: nep i dont knoww if i can evven handle a matespritship right noww
CA: i still kinda feel like the wworlds biggest piece a shit for the wway i treated the only person ivve evver been flushed for
AC: :33 < well, can we at least talk about who might eventually be a good match fur you?
CA: wwell i guess
CA: but for obvvious fuckin reasons the slates completely fuckin blank on my side
CA: you got anythin for me on your little shippin wwall
AC: :33 < actually, no
CA: wwhat wwhy the fuck not
CA: i saww vvris an ar an evven fuckin gam on there wwhy the fuck wwould you exclude me an not any a that fuckin freakshoww
AC: :33 < equius ordered me to erase you furom my wall after
AC: :33 < well, uh
CA: after wwhat
AC: :33 < after i shipped him and you
AC: :33 < as matespurrits
CA: oh god
CA: i guess i cant fuckin blame him for that
CA: wwevve pretty firmly established in this vvery fuckin convversation evven that thats not gonna fuckin wwork out
AC: :33 < yeah ://
AC: :33 < but we can still brainstorm!
CA: alright fine
AC: :33 < okay, what about tavros?
CA: no
AC: :33 < why not?
CA: because hes a fuckin mudblood alright next question
AC: :33 < thats a stupid reason!!!!
CA: ok howw about that hes moirails wwith vvris an im not gonna get flushed for my ex kismesises little fuckin protege
AC: :33 < thats... a better reason, i guess
CA: hey wwhat about you
AC: :33 < what about me?
CA: i mean you as my matesprit
CA: askin as nicely an uncreepily as possible here
AC: :33 < eridan...
AC: :33 < i was gonna say i dont like you like that
AC: :33 < but furankly i just kind of dont like you purriod
CA: ok fair enough
AC: :33 < i was also gonna say im sorry
AC: :33 < but im not really ://
CA: its fine i get it
CA: that wwas kinda the answwer i wwas lookin for anywway
AC: :33 < what? why?
CA: wwell if there wwere any red feelins betwween us it wwould just get in the wway a things
AC: :33 < what things?
CA: this wwhole helpin me thing
CA: thats obvviously wwhat i meant
AC: :33 < yeah, youre purrobably right
AC: :33 < oh my god oh my god i just got the best idea!!!!
CA: wwoww really wwhat
AC: :33 < what about...
AC: :33 < you and terezi?
CA: ter huh
CA: thats
CA: intriguin
AC: :33 < think about it! you have so much in common!
AC: :33 < you both love roleplaying
AC: :33 < and you both hate vwiskers!
CA: is that it
CA: cause thats not a fuckin lot in common
AC: :33 < well, maybe not
AC: :33 < but i just thought about it and you two would be really cute together!!
CA: im not sure id call anythin about ter cute
CA: but id be lyin if i said i hadnt pursued her before
CA: evven if it wwas for the most part just to try an piss off vvris
CA: an ill admit theres somethin about her fierce intellect and cold calculatin demeanor thats bizarrely attractivve for some reason
CA: an theres nothin at all bizarre about the wway she fills out that little legislacerator outfit a hers i mean good lord
AC: :33 < okay okay stop! XPP
AC: :33 < so you might be interested in her?
CA: yeah but wwhats the fuckin point
CA: i mean ivve gone for it before and she shot me dowwn evvery fuckin time howw are things gonna be any different noww
AC: :33 < well, befur you were flushed fur fefurry
AC: :33 < and she purrobably thought your advances were just a ruse to get at vwiskers
AC: :33 < but now things are diffurent!
CA: its a sound theory i guess
CA: but honestly nep i dont think my expandin an collapsin bladder based aquatic vvascular system is in the right place to go lookin for a matesprit right noww
AC: :33 < call it a heart
CA: wwhat wwhy
AC: :33 < beclaws im not the rogue of expanding and collapsing bladder based aquatic vascular systems!!!
CA: ugh fine but the point still stands
AC: :33 < well, when will you be ready?
CA: i dont fuckin knoww
CA: i feel like after wwhat i did to fef i dont evven deservve a fuckin matesprit
AC: :33 < of course you do!!
AC: :33 < look, i think you really n33d someone to talk to this about
AC: :33 < someone who will really listen to you about this and help you work through it
CA: like wwho you
AC: :33 < no, not me!
CA: but thats wwhat wwere doin right noww isnt it
AC: :33 < yeah, but i think you n33d something a little d33purr
AC: :33 < and im already in a commitment like that
CA: wwait
CA: are you suggestin wwhat i think youre suggestin
AC: :33 < i think you n33d a meowrail, eridan
CA: god damnit
CA: wwhy the fuck wwould i need a fuckin moirail of all the things
AC: :33 < it wont be like what you and fefurry had!
AC: :33 < itll just be somepawdy you can talk to anything about, and theyll listen to you and tell you how to impurrove!
CA: wwell
CA: that doesnt sound so bad i guess
AC: :33 < of course, youll have to do the same fur them
CA: ugh sea theres the problem
CA: judgin by my experience wwith fef im terrible fuckin moirail
AC: :33 < that was diffurent!!
AC: :33 < you were flushed fur her!
AC: :33 < meowrails have to be honest with each other, and you cant be a good meowrail if youre withholding a big secret like that!
AC: :33 < and after being trapped in the wrong quadrant fur so long, you start to build up a resentment that just poisons the whole thing
AC: :33 < its the same thing that happened with kanaya and vwiskers!
AC: :33 < but if your heart is in the right place, a meowrallegiance is the greatest thing in the world!
AC: :33 < if you could have something like me and equius have, youd be a meowllion times happier, i guarant33 it!
CA: yeah
CA: i guess thatd be nice
CA: havvin somebody that gavve a shit about me enough to threaten to removve somebodys protein chute for deignin to survveil upon me wwithout my express consent
AC: :33 < h33 h33!
AC: :33 < theres a little more to it than that, but yeah
CA: but wwho wwould be stupid enough to wwant to take a crack at my ludicrously ovverstuffed emotional baggage like that
CA: besides you a course
AC: :33 < hey!!!
AC: :33 < i was coerced into this!
CA: yeah yeah fair fuckin point
AC: :33 < well, lets s33
AC: :33 < what about karkitty?
AC: :33 < you two are furiends or something, arent you?
CA: yeah kar and i havve a good thing goin
CA: wwell wwe used to anywway
CA: wwed talk about our problems an all the trials an tribulations a the quadrants
CA: but after the wwhole thing wwith fef i probably talked his fins off so much that hed probably rather kill me than hear another fuckin wword
AC: :33 < well, he might be willing to give you a chance!
CA: nah id rather he didnt
CA: i feel kinda bad for evven wwhinin to him the wway i did
CA: sides hed probably just givve me shit about it constantly
AC: :33 < h33 h33! fair enough!
AC: :33 < hmmmmm
AC: :33 < kanaya, maybe?
CA: wwell
CA: i talked to kan evvery noww and then before the game
CA: but i wwas alwways just carpin to her about vvris an fef
CA: nevver really gavve any consideration to her problems an im pretty sure she fuckin kneww it
CA: i dont sea wwhy shed think things are any different noww
AC: :33 < but things are different now!
AC: :33 < you and vwiskers arent kismesisses anymore
AC: :33 < and now youre trying to get over fefurry, not get with her!
CA: i guess
CA: i just think itd be a little uncomfortable
CA: wwe both had flushcrushes on our moirails but she got hers an i ruined all chances a gettin mine
AC: :33 < oh, i didnt even think about that...
CA: anywway the last thing kan wwants to hear is me wwhinin about fef
CA: an i strongly suspect thats the vvast majority a wwhat any givven feelins jam is gonna consist of
AC: :33 < hmmmm
AC: :33 < this is harder than i thought it would be!
CA: nep youre highly underestimatin the amount a bridges ivve burned in my short life in this univverse
CA: at this point im just a lone man on an island ringed wwith a thousand burnin bridges
CA: the barrier a charred debris is so thick that evven the mightiest vvessel could nevver breach it
CA: no man can evver reach the shores so i havve only an endless stream of pissed off angels to keep me company
CA: so here ill sit killin em and swwillin faygo for the rest a my days
CA: until i inevvitably go blind from diabetes
AC: :33 < h33 h33 h33!! X33
AC: :33 < you paint a purretty bleak picture, eridan
AC: :33 < but i dont think its that bad!
CA: wwell it kinda fuckin is
AC: :33 < can i ask you a question though?
CA: shoot
AC: :33 < whats with the whole faygo thing?
AC: :33 < i dont remember it being a thing that existed befur
CA: wwell i wwas thirsty an it just so happened some moron flung a bottle a the stuff into the ocean
CA: an it just so happened to reach my hivve at that vvery serendipitous moment so i gavve it a shot
AC: :33 < serendipitous?
CA: alright alright itd been sittin around for a wwhile
CA: i only evven drank it at gams urgin
CA: i thought itd taste like seagoat discharge but honestly its just soda
CA: ivve been concoctin some new flavvors by futzin wwith the alchemiter and a feww of em are actually pretty damn decent
AC: :33 < why were you taking refureshment advice from gamz33?
CA: wwell i wwas tryin to reach kar but he was busy with some important game business or wwhatevver
CA: so i talked to gam and somehoww the topic drifted to faygo
CA: big fuckin surprise there am i right
AC: :33 < hey, i didnt even think about gamz33!
AC: :33 < what if he was your meowrail?
CA: wwhat
CA: are you fuckin searious
AC: :33 < sure, why not?
CA: because itd be an entire fuckin relationship built upon soda are you fuckin kiddin me
AC: :33 < well, think about it!
AC: :33 < you n33d someone to talk to about your purroblems
AC: :33 < but nopawdy is willing to listen, right?
CA: not anybody i can fuckin think of
CA: cept
CA: except a fuckin sopor addled clowwn wwhos nevver had any fuckin problem just sittin dowwn an lettin any motherfucker speww their fuckin wwords at him
AC: :33 < exactly!
CA: ugh i cant believve im actually considerin this
CA: wwhy wwould i evver wwant to be palepals wwith a slime eatin buffoon wwho cant hold a train a thought for fivve minutes wwithout zonin out
CA: the guys a disgrace to highbloods evverywwhere
AC: :33 < s33, this is good!
AC: :33 < youre actually concerned about him!
CA: wwhoa wwho said i wwas fuckin concerned
CA: i just dont wwant the guy to be such a complete fuckup is all
AC: :33 < well, then you have two reasons to be meowrails!
AC: :33 < he can help you with your relationship purroblems
AC: :33 < and you can help him not be such a complete fuckup!
CA: i
CA: hrm
CA: wwell i guess hes not gonna shape up all on his fuckin owwn
CA: an i guess nobody else is linin up to be his fuckin moirail
CA: or mine for that matter
CA: ah the hell wwith it
CA: im wwillin to givve it a shot if he is
AC: :33 < thats great!!!
AC: :33 < tell you what
AC: :33 < ill set up a shipping sw33p with him right now
AC: :33 < and if hes willing, i can set you two up fur a f33lings jam!
CA: alright fine
CA: actually im gonna step awway from the grubtop for a wwhile
CA: breww up some neww faygo vvarieties or somethin i dont knoww
AC: :33 < okay, sure!
AC: :33 < ill just talk to you later!
CA: hey uh nep
CA: before you go
AC: :33 < yeah?
CA: thanks for all this
CA: i mean tryin to help me an all
AC: :33 < hey, its no purroblem!
CA: no it kind of fuckin wwas a problem
CA: ivve been bein a huge piece a shit and i guess i just needed somebody to point it out to me
AC: :33 < youre not a piece of shit, eridan
CA: nep
AC: :33 < okay, you kind of are a piece of shit
CA: ok there wwe go
AC: :33 < h33 h33!
AC: :33 < anyway, you just n33d a little help
AC: :33 < none of us are really bad people, eridan
AC: :33 < we just n33d help sometimes
CA: evven you
AC: :33 < yes, even me!
CA: ok
CA: wwell hey
CA: if you evver need to just completely lose your shit and flip out at somebody feel free to come to me
AC: :33 < what?
CA: look nep you cant be nice a hundred percent a the fuckin time
CA: i can sea the fuckin maelstrom a fury blowwin under that swweet an innocent mien a yours
CA: you cant keep that shit bottled up forevver it fucks wwith your head
CA: so if you evver feel like lettin loose wwith an unholy tempest a rage like the one you spat at me ten minutes ago id alwways be happy to entertain it
CA: im lookin again at that rant an its fuckin beautiful to behold
AC: :33 < um
AC: :33 < okaaaaaaaaaay?
CA: just tryin to help nep
CA: think about it
AC: :33 < ill k33p in mind, i guess!
AC: :33 < though im not really sure itll be necessary
CA: are you pawwsitivve
AC: :33 < oh, im ferry certain ind33d!
CA: this isnt going to become a compurrtition is it
AC: :33 < i shore hope naut!
AC: :33 < im a little out of my depth when it comes to ocean puns
AC: :33 < im a fish out of water, you could say
CA: wwell the cats out a the bag noww
CA: may as wwell admit im not furry good at cat puns either
AC: :33 < youre fine!
AC: :33 < anyway ill go talk to gamz33
AC: :33 < and i guess ill talk to you sometime after that
CA: yeah ill just hit you up wwhen im done wwith this shit
AC: :33 < okay, talk to you later, eridan!
CA: yeah bye

arsenicCatnip [AC] ceased trolling caligulasAquarium [CA].

CA: i think
CA: this is the beginnin of a beautiful relationship

caligulasAquarium [CA] ceased trolling arsenicCatnip [AC].

Chapter 6: Edge of the Rainbow

Chapter 6

Edge of the Rainbow

arsenicCatnip [AC] began trolling terminallyCapricious [TC]

AC: :33 < *ac furry sneakily and silently cr33ps through tcs hive*
AC: :33 < *s33ing her oppurrtunity to strike, she crouches down in purrepurration...*
AC: :33 < *and jumps into tcs horn pile!!*
AC: :33 < *little horns go flying efurrywhere in a deafening chorus of honks and squeaks!!*
TC: WhOoOaAa, SiStEr, YoU aLl Up AnD sCaReD tHe MoThErFuCkIn TiTs OfF oF mE wItH tHaT mAsTeRfUlLy MoThErFuCkIn ExEcUtEd HoNk JuMp!
TC: NoW aLl My ImAgInArY hOrNs ArE iN mOtHeRfUcKiN dIsArRaY.
AC: :33 < h33 h33!
AC: :33 < hi gamz33!
TC: WeLl ShIiIiT, wHaT's AlL tHe MoThErFuCkIn SiTuAtIoN tHaT wOuLd BrInG mY mAiN mOtHeRfUcKiN cAt GiRl To Up AnD cHaT oN mE lIkE tHiS?
AC: :33 < well, actually, this is a shipping sw33p!
TC: Oh, OkAy, A sHiPpInG sWeEp.
TC: WhAt'S mOtHeRfUcKiN sHiPpInG sWeEp AgAiN?
AC: :33 < well, i just wanted to talk to you about relationships!
AC: :33 < maybe s33 if we can find you a matespurrit and a meowrail!
AC: :33 < have you b33n reading my memos?
TC: YeAh, I kInDa ReMeMbEr SkImMiN aLl ThOsE mOtHeRfUcKeRs OnCe Or TwIcE
TC: BuT iTs AlL kInD oF a MoThErFuCkIn HaZe.
TC: ThOuGhT i SaW sOmE sHiT aBoUt TaVbRo BeIn AlL mOtHeRfUcKiN fRiEnDlY oN vRiSkA oF aLl ThE pEoPlE.
TC: So I'm NoT rEaLlY mOtHeRfUcKiN sUrE hOw MuCh Of ThAt I jUsT uP aNd MoThErFuCkIn ImAgInEd.
AC: :33 < no, that actually catpunned!
TC: WhOa, ReAlLy?
AC: :33 < yeah! theyre meowrails now!
AC: :33 < and i think theyre really happy together!
TC: WeLl ShIiIiT, tHaT's MoThErFuCkIn AwEsOmE, sIsTeR!
TC: HaHaHa, TaVbRo AlL uP aNd TaMeD tHe MoThErFuCkIn SpIdEr!
TC: FuUuCk, I'm FeElIn As I sHoUlD cOmPoSe A rAp On ThEiR mOtHeRfUcKiN hOnOr Or SoMeThIn.
AC: :33 < h33 h33! it is puretty pawesome
AC: :33 < so, can we talk about shipping now?
TC: WeLl If YoUr HeArT's AlL mOtHeRfUcKiN sEt In It, I gUeSs I cOuLd ObLiGe On ThAt ShIt.
TC: NeVeR wAnTeD tO bE a MoThErFuCkEr WhO wOuLd Up AnD nOt TaKe SoMe AdViCe FrOm HiS mOtHeRfUcKiN fRiEnDs.
AC: :33 < okay, great!
AC: :33 < well, normally i start with the flushed quadrant
AC: :33 < but pawnestly
AC: :33 < and dont take this the wrong way
AC: :33 < but i dont really have any idea who could be your matespurrit!
TC: NaH, sIsTeR, i GeT wHeRe YoU'rE mOtHeRfUcKiN cOmIn OuT oF.
TC: CaN't Be AlL tHaT mAnY mOtHeRfUcKeRs GeTtIn ThEiR fLuSh OuT oN a MiRtHfUl MoThErFuCkEr LiKe Me.
TC: EvErYbOdY's AlL gOt ThEiR oWn ReLaTiOnShIpS aNd ShIt To AlL mOtHeRfUcKiN wOrRy ArOuNd.
TC: MeAnWhIlE i'M jUsT gEtTiN mY mOtHeRfUcKiN cHiLl Up HeRe OuT oF mY mOtHeRfUcKiN hIvE, sIpPiN fAyGo AnD mAkIn A fEw PiEs.
AC: :33 < well...
AC: :33 < we have to think of something!
AC: :33 < efurrypawdy n33ds a matespurrit, even you!
TC: WeLl, If ThAt'S wHaT yOu'Re AlL mOtHeRfUcKiN fEeLiNg, I gUeSs I cAn'T bE tHe GuY wHo AlL uP aNd DiSaGrEeS aT yOu.
TC: BuT i'M mOtHeRfUcKiN cHiLl Up On It OnE wAy Or AnOtHeR.
AC: :33 < well, lets think about it
AC: :33 < maybe i can think of somepawdy fur you!
TC: ShIt, i GuEsS.
AC: :33 < hmmmm...
AC: :33 < i purrobably shouldnt be suggesting this
AC: :33 < but what about equius?
TC: Aw MaN, eQuIuS iS dEfInItElY a ChOiCe BrO.
TC: We ShOoT tHe ShIt AlL tHe MoThErFuCkIn TiMe, SiStEr.
TC: He'S aLwAyS cOmIn At Me On HiS fEeLiNgS aNd ShIt, TrYiN tO mAkE sEnSe AbOuT tHe HeMoSpEcTrUm AnD aLl ThAt NoIsE.
TC: I dOn'T kNoW iF i WaNt To Be KiSsIn AfTeR tHe DuDe, ThOuGh.
TC: I'd JuSt Be Up FoR hAvIn A nIcE mOtHeRfUcKiN sIt DoWn AnD jAmMiN a BiT wItH hIs FeElInGs AnD sHiT.
AC: :33 < >://
TC: ShIiIiT, wHaT's GoT yOu AlL mAkIn A mOtHeRfUcKiN fAcE lIkE tHaT?
AC: :33 < it sounds more like you want to be his meowrail than anything
TC: DoEs It? FuCk, I dOn'T kNoW, mAyBe ThAt'S iT.
AC: :33 < gamz33, i am his meowrail!
AC: :33 < so i really dont apurreciate you saying that!
TC: AwWwWw ShIt, ThAt ToTaLlY uP aNd SlIpPeD mY mOtHeRfUcKiN mInD!
TC: I'm NoT tRyIn To StEaL hIm AwAy ArOuNd YoU oR aNy ShIt LiKe ThAt.
TC: FuUuCk, LoOk At ThIs GuY aLl Up AnD bEiN a MoThErFuCkIn ToOl.
AC: :33 < look, just furget i brought this up, okay?
AC: :33 < i dont even like the idea of you and equius being matespurrits
AC: :33 < he doesnt even like you, except fur cr33py weird reasons
AC: :33 < i only brought it up beclaws i couldnt think of anything else
TC: Oh.
TC: WeLl MoThEr FuCk.
TC: :o(
AC: :33 < its okay! ill think of something else
AC: :33 < maybe
AC: :33 < god, this is really hard!
AC: :33 < well, lets s33...
AC: :33 < alright, you brought terezi into the game, right?
TC: ShIt YeAh I dId, SiStEr!
TC: HoNk.
AC: :33 < so you purrobably interacted a lot with her
AC: :33 < what about her as your matespurrit?
TC: WeLl ShIt, TeReZi'S oNe CoOl LaDy AnD aLl.
TC: BuT fRaNkLy, ShE kInD oF mOtHeRfUcKiN sCaReS mE.
TC: ShE's AlWaYs HaNgIn ShIt ThRoUgH tReEs AnD tAlKiN lIkE jUsTiCe AnD aLl ThAt NoIsE.
TC: AnD i AiN't NeVeR bEeN a MoThErFuCkEr To JuDgE aNoThEr BrOtHeR eVeN wHaT iS a PrOpEr MoThErFuCkEr.
TC: So I gUeSs ThAt'S kInD oF aLl WhAt A tUrN oFf Is.
AC: :33 < yeah, it was a bit of a stretch
AC: :33 < i dont think she really likes you like that either
AC: :33 < or even at all, really
TC: YeAh, ShE kInD oF gAvE uP a MoThErFuCkIn ViBe UnDeR sOmE eFfEcT lIkE tHaT.
AC: :33 < okay, so not terezi
AC: :33 < sooo
AC: :33 < your serfur player was tavros, right?
AC: :33 < what do you think of him?
TC: UhH...
TC: WeLl, ShIt, I mEaN...
TC: TaVrOs Is DeFiNiTeLy A cHoIcE bRo.
TC: NaH, wAiT, tHaT's VaStLy MoThErFuCkIn UnDeRsTaTiNg JuSt HoW pArTiCuLaRlY bRoTaCuLaR hE iS.
TC: It'D bE mOrE aCcUrAtE tO uP aNd SaY hE's A gIaNt MoThErFuCkIn RiB oF pRiMe, GrAdE-a BrO.
TC: AlL gRiLlEd Up To SmOkY bRoWn MoThErFuCkIn PeRfEcTiOn AnD dRiPpInG wItH dElIcIoUs MoThErFuCkIn BrO jUiCeS.
AC: :33 < wow, this is making me hungry all of a sudden
TC: ShIiIt, I gUeSs ThAt MeTaPhOr AlL uP aNd GoT aWaY fRoM mE lIkE aN iMp WiTh OnE oF mY mOtHeRfUcKiN pIeS.
TC: BuT yEaH, i'M sAyIn, TaVbRo'S dEfInItElY a CoOl MoThErFuCkIn DuDe.
TC: AnD, uH...
TC: FuCk, I mEaN, i GuEsS iT'd Be PrEtTy MoThErFuCkIn NiCe BeIn MaTeSpRiTs To HiM.
TC: WeLl, ShIt, It'D bE mOrE tHaN nIcE, iT'd Be A sTrAiGhT uP mOtHeRfUcKiN mIrAcLe Is AlL wHaT iT wOuLd FuCkIn Be.
AC: :33 < :oo
AC: :33 < gamz33, are you...
AC: :33 < are you flushed fur tavros?
TC: Uh...
AC: :33 < its okay! you can tell me!
AC: :33 < i wont tell anypawdy, i swear!
TC: WeLl, FuCk, OkAy.
TC: YeAh, I'm PrEtTy MuCh StRaIgHt Up FlUsHeD tHe FuCk OuT oN tAvBrO.
TC: As DeEp In ThE mOtHeRfUcKiN rEd As AnY mOtHeRfUcKeR cAn Be To AnY oThEr MoThErFuCkEr.
TC: ShIt'S bEeN bUrNiN a WiCkEd HoLe ThRoUgH mY mOtHeRfUcKiN hEaRt FoR a WhIlE nOw AnD iT fEeLs RiGhTeOuS aS sHiT tO cOnFiDe At AnOtHeR mOtHeRfUcKeR aBoUt It.
AC: :33 < wow, that is so great!!
AC: :33 < i couldnt think of a matespurrit fur tavros, either
AC: :33 < but now that i think about it, you two would be pawesome fur each other!
TC: ShIiIt, ThAt'S rEaL nIcE oN yOu To SaY aNd AlL.
TC: BuT i ThInK i MiGhT hAvE fUcKeD tHaT sHiT uP aS hIgH aS aNy PaRtIcUlAr PiEcE oF sHiT cAn Be FuCkEd.
AC: :33 < why? what catpunned?
TC: WeLl, BeFoRe We Up AnD gOt Me OnTo ThE gAmE, i KiNdA...
TC: I aSkEd HiM iF wE cOuLd MaYbE aLl GeT sOmE sLoPpY mAkEoUtS oN.
TC: AnD sEeInG lIkE wE hAvEn'T bArElY eVeN mOtHeRfUcKiN sPoKeN sInCe ThAt CrItIcAl PoInT, i'D sAy ThAt PaRtIcUlAr StRaTeGy WaS a DrAsTiC mOtHeRfUcKiN fAiLuRe.
TC: I'm AfRaId I jUsT uP aNd ScArEd ThAt BrOtHeR aWaY fOrEvEr By BeIn AlL sO mOtHeRfUcKiN fOrWaRd As ThAt.
TC: HoNk :o(
AC: :33 < well...
AC: :33 < you kind of put him on the spawt, right?
TC: ShIt YeAh, SiStEr.
TC: I jUsT tOoK tHe MoThErFuCkIn SpOt AnD aLl SlAmMeD tHaT bRoThEr RiGhT dOwN tHe CeNtEr LiKe A sKeE bAlL tAbLe At A dArK mOtHeRfUcKiN cArNiVaL.
TC: GoT fIfTy MoThErFuCkIn TiCkEtS aNd ExChAnGeD eM fOr A bIg StUfFeD cHoLeRbEaR wItH "bRoThEr, YoU'rE bEiN wAy ToO mOtHeRfUcKiN uPfRoNt" EmBrOiDeReD oVeR iT.
AC: :33 < well, he was purrobably just nervous!
AC: :33 < i mean, until recently, he hasnt b33n furry good at dealing with sudden surpurrises like that
AC: :33 < and maybe he just hasnt talked to you beclaws hes afurraid he hurt your f33lings!
TC: WeLl FuCk, I gUeSs ThAt'S a PoSsIbIlItY aNd AlL.
TC: BuT sHiT, iF i CoUlD hAvE tHe MiRtHfUl MeSsIaHs GrAnT mE oNe MoThErFuCkIn MiRaClE, iT'd Be To NeVeR uP aNd DoNe ThAt ShIt WiThIn ThAt PaRtIcUlAr MoThErFuCkIn MaNnEr.
AC: :33 < well, i still think it would work!
AC: :33 < in fact, im updating my wall right meow
AC: :33 < im circling you and tavros a bunch of times and writing "oh yesssss!" under it with a little heart in furont of it
AC: :33 < do you want me to help you win him ofur?
AC: :33 < we could set up a big devious plan and efurrything!
TC: FuUuUcK, sIsTeR, tHaT's AwFuL mOtHeRfUcKiN rIgHtEoUs On YoU tO oFfEr AnD aLl.
TC: EsPeCiAlLy SeEiN aS wE'rE pRaCtIcAlLy MoThErFuCkIn StRaNgErS.
TC: BuT i'M aLl ThInKiN iT'd Be BeSt To JuSt Up AnD lEt ThAt ShIt SiT uNdEr ThE mOtHeRfUcKiN bAcKbUrNeR fOr A wHiLe.
TC: MaYbE wE'lL aLl GeT a MiRaClE dOwN oN tHiS sHiT aNd It'Ll AlL aNd JuSt WoRk ItSeLf ThE mOtHeRfUcK oUt.
AC: :33 < well, if you say so
AC: :33 < wow, this shipping sw33p has b33n a lot more purrductive than i thought it would be!
AC: :33 < i didnt think pinning down your matespurrit would be that easy!
TC: HaHaHa, YeAh, I gUeSs ThE fUcK nOt.
TC: It'S lIkE a LiTtLe MoThErFuCkIn MiRaClE hApPeNeD jUsT oN yOu.
AC: :33 < h33 h33, i guess so!
AC: :33 < anyway, lets talk about your pale quadrant
AC: :33 < any ideas?
TC: WeLl, ShIt, ThErE's A mOtHeRfUcKeR oR tWo I wOuLdN't MiNd BeIn MoThErFuCkIn PaLeBrOs To.
TC: KaRkAt'S aLwAyS sEeMeD lIkE a MoThErFuCkEr WhO cOuLd UsE sOmE hElP gEtTiN hIs MoThErFuCkIn SeTtLe DoWn On.
AC: :33 < really? karkitty?
TC: YeAh, SiStEr.
TC: I kNoW hE's AlWaYs MoThErFuCkIn GeTtIn AlL mAd AnD sHiT tOwArDs Me AnD pRoBaBlY dOeSn'T gIvE hAlF a ShIt AbOuT mE rIgHt ThE fUcK nOw.
TC: BuT i AlWaYs FeLt LiKe It WaS fOrEtOlD oN tHe MoThErFuCkIn StArS oR sOmE sHiT tHaT wE'd EnD uP bEiN mOiRaIlS.
AC: :33 < seriously?
TC: FuCk, I dOn'T kNoW.
TC: ThAt CoUlD aLl JuSt Be My HeArT uP aNd TeLlIn Me FaKe ShIt.
TC: WoUlDn'T bE tHe FiRsT mOtHeRfUcKiN tImE iT's HaPpEnEd, I gUeSs.
AC: :33 < hmmmmm...
AC: :33 < any other pawssibilities, you think?
TC: ShIt YeAh, ThErE's A wHoLe MoThErFuCkIn DoUbLe RaInBoW oF pOsSiBiLiTiEs, SiStEr.
TC: I mEaN, tErEzI's A cLaSsY mOtHeRfUcKiN lAdY, aNd I wOuLdN't MiNd GeTtIn My SiT oN aNd HaViN a MoThErFuCkIn JaM wItH hEr.
TC: Or I'd Be Up FoR cHiLlIn WiTh SoLlUx AnD aLl TaLkIn AbOuT mOtHeRfUcKiN gHoStS oR wHaTeVeR sHiT hE's AlWaYs On Up AbOuT.
TC: FuCk, I'd EvEn Be MoThErFuCkIn DoWn FoR lAyIn On ThE hOrN pIlE wItH kAnAyA aNd LeTtIn HeR gEt HeR mOtHeRfUcKiN mEdDlE oN.
TC: I gUeSs I'd Be AlL uP fOr BeInG pAlEbRoS wItH aNy MoThErFuCkEr WhAt'S wIlLiNg To PuT uP wItH mE.
AC: :33 < wow
AC: :33 < well...
AC: :33 < what about eridan?
TC: ErIdAn?
TC: AnGrY mOtHeRfUcKeR wHaT's AlWaYs TaLkIn AbOuT kIlLiN aLl MoThErFuCkIn LaNd DwElLeRs ErIdAn?
TC: ShIt, I gUeSs I'd Be Up FoR cRaCkIn An IcEcOlD wItH hIm AnD sPiLlIn SoMe ShIt On OuR fEeLiNgS.
TC: BuT fRaNkLy, ThE bRoThEr KiNd Of AlL mOtHeRfUcKiN sCaReS mE.
AC: :33 < hes not scary!
AC: :33 < hes just kind of a douche
TC: HaHaHa, WhAt?
AC: :33 < i mean, i know up until now, hes b33n a huge asshole
AC: :33 < and furankly, he still is kind of an asshole
AC: :33 < but i talked to him, and he said hed be willing to be your meowrail!
AC: :33 < he just really n33ds somepawdy to talk about his f33lings to
TC: FuCk, ReAlLy?
TC: I mEaN, tHaT's MoThErFuCkIn RiGhTeOuS aNd AlL.
TC: BuT sHiT, pAlEbRoS wItH eRiDaN?
TC: JuSt SeEmS kInD oF mOtHeRfUcKiN wEiRd FoR sOmE rEaSoN.
AC: :33 < look, think of it this way
AC: :33 < hes basically karkitty
AC: :33 < minus any red33ming qualities whatsoefur
TC: ShIiIiT, sIsTeR's AlL gEtTiN hEr MoThErFuCkIn HaRsH oN oN tHiS sEaDwElLiN mOtHeRfUcKeR!
TC: HoNk HoNk HoNk! :oD
AC: :33 < h33 h33, sorry!
AC: :33 < hes not a bad guy
AC: :33 < theres just something about him that just really annoys me purrsonally fur some reason
TC: HaHaHaHa, FuCk, CaN't BlAmE a SiStEr FoR aLl WoRkIn HeR mOtHeRfUcKiN dIsLiKe At AnOtHeR bRoThEr.
AC: :33 < well, would you be willing to be his meowrail?
TC: WeLl...
TC: ShIt, WhY tHe MoThErFuCk NoT?
TC: I gUeSs I'd Be WiLlIn To GiVe ThAt ShIt A sHoT iF hE iS.
AC: :33 < thats great!!
AC: :33 < so how about i set you two up fur a f33lings jam?
TC: WhOa, AlReAdY?
AC: :33 < sure!
AC: :33 < itll just be a way of testing the waters
AC: :33 < to s33 if you two will work out together
TC: WeLl FuCk, AlRiGhT, i GuEsS.
AC: :33 < great!
AC: :33 < im gonna talk to eridan again soon, and then we can work out the time!
AC: :33 < and ill tell him to bring some faygo, too!
TC: AwWwWwW yEaH, sIsTeR, tHaT's ThE kInD oF mOtHeRfUcKiN pLaN i CaN aLl Up AnD gEt WoRkEd ThE fUcK uP aBoUt!
AC: :33 < h33 h33!
AC: :33 < alright, talk to you in a bit, gamz33!
TC: YeAh, PeAcE, mY mOtHeRfUcKiN cAtSiS.
TC: HoNk HoNk :o)

arsenicCatnip [AC] ceased trolling terminallyCapricious [TC]

***

"I can't believe I'm actually fuckin' goin' through with this."

"Eridan, you're being a tool again. Just stop."

Nepeta and Eridan were walking towards the entrance to Gamzee's hive on the Land of Tents and Mirth, and she was not about to let this asshole get cold feet now.

The seadweller slid a single hand over his face, grasping his he was certain soon-to-be-aching forehead. "Seariously, it fuckin' amazes me that I'm reduced to goin' to a fuckin' doped up sideshow act for emotional support," he said with a sigh.

Nepeta stopped and turned to face him fully, clenching her fists and glowering. "God, Eridan, would you just shut up?! It's not that big a deal!" He'd stopped as well, and was glancing over at the oliveblood through the fingers over his glasses. "It's not going to reflect on you purrsonally, so there's nothing to be empawrassed about. So stop being such a fucking douche already!"

Eridan just barely stifled a laugh at the last remark (what was so funny? Nepeta had to wonder), then released his brow from the prison of his palm. "I'm sorry, Nep," he said, and looked off to his other side. "I'm just... I'm nervous, alright? I'm afraid I'm gonna fuck somethin' up and end up havin' to crawl back to Kar. Or Kan, or anybody else, for that fuckin' matter."

Nepeta relaxed, and sympathy lifted her features once more. "You'll do fine. All you have to do is be honest, and listen to him, and try to help."

"Yeah, I guess," he said, and resumed walking, with Nepeta following shortly after. "I'm not embarrassed about it. I'm just makin' excuses here." He laughed and glanced over at her. "'Sides, if anybody should be embarrassed by their fuckin' moirail, it's you."

"Hee hee!" Nepeta couldn't help but giggle. "Exactly! There's no glory in just having a meowrail. It all comes furom helping them impurrove. There's an old saying that goes," and she closed her eyes and raised a single finger in the air as she recited, "'A matespurrit is someone you put on a pedestal, and a meowrail is someone you pull out of a hole.'"

Eridan chuckled. "But it's supposed to go both ways, right? How do two people pull each other out of two separate holes?"

"That's easy," Nepeta said with a grin. "You use a rope! You just throw it over and one purrson climbs out with the other as a counterweight!" She stroked her chin for a moment, suddenly feeling the need to extend the metaphor. "Or if you're really ambitious, you could just both climb out at the same time!"

"So you're not givin' me a moirail," Eridan said bemusedly, "you're givin' me a rope."

"Purrcisely!"

Eridan looked away. "Well, at least if this whole thing falls through, I've got somethin' else I can fuckin' do with it," he muttered.

Nepeta glared at him. "Eridan," she said, more angry than concerned.

"It was a fuckin' joke," he spat at her. "God, Nep, give me some fuckin' credit here."

The pair at last reached the entrance to Gamzee's hive, and Nepeta gave the door a rhythmic knock. There was a brief cacophony of horns, followed by silence. In the meantime, Eridan spread his arms and looked down to survey himself. He turned to Nepeta and asked, "How do I look?"

Nepeta just snickered. "Eridan, he's not gonna care how you look."

"Yeah, I fuckin' know that, but still," Eridan said, rolling his eyes.

"Alright, fine," Nepeta said and turned to appraise him. "You look like a dork. Is that good enough?"

Eridan just slumped his shoulders and sighed. "Yeah, yeah. Seariously, Nep, this is some wiggler-level shit." Nepeta just giggled in response.

The door to the hive swung open, and Gamzee greeted the two bickering trolls with a wave and a vacant grin. "Well, if it isn't just the two motherfuckers I was all hopin' to motherfuckin' see!"

"Yeah, imagine that, we're here right when we fuckin' said we would be," Eridan said. He waved his hands in front of him mockingly. "It's a motherfuckin' miracle."

Nepeta lightly elbowed him in the ribs. "Eridan, be nice."

Eridan sneered and gave her a sidelong glance. "What'd I say about bein' nice?"

"I remempurr what you said," she retorted, and grabbed the end of his scarf and rubbed it in her fingers. "And I'd suggest you get a much thicker scarf."

Gamzee took the whole tangent in stride. "Well shit, come in," he said, gesturing into his hive, "make yourselves up in fuckin' home." The two stepped through the doorway and advanced into his leisureblock, and Gamzee followed after them. It had all the standard trappings of a living area, though there were a distressing lack of chairs that weren't stuffed with leguminous protein objects, and horns and drained Faygo bottles littered the floor.

Eridan turned to Nepeta. "Remind me again why you have to fuckin' be here."

"I'm just here to make sure efurrything goes smoothly," Nepeta said with a grin, then suddenly shot Eridan a glare and jabbed an accusatory finger at him. "And to make sure you don't back out on this."

Eridan scoffed. "Please, Nep, I have every fuckin' intention a' stayin' here," he said, then jabbed a finger right back at her. "I just think it'll be weird havin' a little fuckin' voyeur watchin' us while we're tryin' to jam on our private fuckin' emotions."

Nepeta just rolled her eyes at him. "Eridan, I don't get off on watching amateur feelings jams. Seriously, I don't even want to be here." She chuckled and added, "Anyway, it won't be anything I haven't seen befur."

"I'm not embarrassed or anythin'," Eridan said and looked away, though the slight purple flush in his cheeks said otherwise. "I'm just afraid of givin' you more fuckin' ammunition."

"Hee hee!" Nepeta giggled once more. "Please, Eridan, you've already given me enough material to make fun of you fur sweeps. This is nothing."

"Well, hey," Gamzee cut in, "if you motherfuckers want to make yourselves comfortable, you can get your sit on any motherfuckin' place." He moved over to a low set coffee table (which Nepeta and Eridan were both certain had never had coffee on it) surrounded by bean bag chairs and flopped himself into the nearest one.

"Actually, Gam," Eridan started and turned to face him, "before we get to anythin' else, there's one thing I've got to fuckin' get off my chest here. I've been dyin' to fuckin' talk to somebody about this for the longest fuckin' time, and nobody's even willin' to give me a fuckin' chance."

Nepeta suddenly looked concerned. "Eridan, I'm not sure if you should--"

"Nep, please," Eridan interrupted her, extending an open palm in her direction. "I've got to get this shit on the table right fuckin' now."

Gamzee looked at him as soberly as he could (which still wasn't very sober). "Alright, brother, what is it?"

"You want to know what it is?" Eridan said, advancing toward the coffee table. "Here's what it fuckin' is." He suddenly produced a large cooler from out of his sylladex and dropped it on the tabletop with a loud thud. He flipped the lid open, and inside were dozens of bottles of Faygo in all varieties of colors, resting in a bed of ice.

"I've been makin' all these different fuckin' flavors a' this shit, and there isn't a single motherfucker who's willin' to try any of 'em."

Gamzee rose and beheld the spectrum of soda with awe. "Holy shit. It's like a whole motherfuckin' double rainbow of Faygo. This is..." He stopped to wipe a single indigo tear from his eye. "This is a motherfuckin' miracle."

"Actually, it's just basic fuckin' punchcard alchemy, but whatever," Eridan said, and snatched up a bottle of grape for himself. He gestured to the cooler. "I mean, help yourself."

Gamzee grabbed one at random, a bottle full of blue liquid with a yellow label, but as soom as he picked it up, the soda inside turned red. He stared at the bottle in disbelief. "Whoa, this one changes colors or some shit."

"Oh yeah, that's Appleberry Blast. It's blue or red dependin' on which way you're lookin' at it." He suddenly sneered. "Made it usin' that asshole Sol's stupid fuckin' glasses."

Gamzee shifted the bottle in his hand, watching the colors change, before he finally cracked it open and took a swig. "Aw shit, it's like two motherfuckin' flavors at once!" he said with a satisfied grin, and he retook his place in his bean bag chair.

"Yeah, leave it to mister two of fuckin' everything not to be satisfied with one fuckin' flavor," Eridan said as he opened his own Faygo, then took a sip. He looked over to Nepeta. "Hey Nep, you want a soda? There's bound to be a flavor in here you'd like."

"Uh," Nepeta said through a forced grin, and looked away. "No thanks."

"Aw, c'mon, Nep, it's not that fuckin' bad," Eridan said, and plucked a bottle of olive-colored soda from the cooler. "Look, you like tea, right? This one's green tea, it's got to be at least tolerable."

"Well..." she said hesitantly. "Alright, fine, give it here."

Eridan smirked and gave the bottle a few vigorous shakes before he tossed it to her. "Wiggler-level shit, I know." She just gave him an annoyed look and decided she didn't want to open it just yet.

"Well thanks, brother, this is motherfuckin' righteous on you," Gamzee said, and turned toward his victualblock. "Why don't you just get your motherfuckin' sit on and I'll fetch us a pie."

"No, god damnit, Gam," Eridan suddenly growled, "we're not havin' a fuckin pie!" Gamzee stopped and turned to look at him, a dazed expression on his face. Eridan slumped his shoulders. "Sorry, it's just... Gam, you shouldn't be eatin' that shit. It puts holes in your fuckin' brain."

Gamzee continued to stare for a moment, then suddenly frowned. "Well, shit, if that's all how you motherfuckin' feel, I guess I've got to hear you the motherfuck out."

Eridan raised an eyebrow at him. "What, seariously? Just like that?"

Gamzee shrugged. "Yeah, brother. I know you probably all got my best motherfuckin' interest on your heart, so who the fuck am I to up and disagree?"

"Uh," Eridan started, and glanced over to Nepeta, who just smiled and gave him a thumbs-up. "Well, fuck, okay. That was kind of a major fuckin' bullet on the agenda, so now I got nothin' 'cept to talk about feelin's."

"Shit yeah, motherfucker," Gamzee said, and flopped back down in his bean bag chair. "Have a motherfuckin' seat," he said, patting the bag next to him, and Eridan obliged, carefully draping his cape over the back so he didn't sit on it. They sat in quiet for a moment, enjoying their beverages.

"So..." Eridan ventured after a while, "did you want to go first?"

"Nah, you start," Gamzee replied, and took another swig of his soda. "Just spill that shit like a Faygo you up and forgot was in your motherfuckin' hand in the first place, so you all went to scratch your head or some shit and it all just motherfuckin got everywhere."

"Yeah, alright," Eridan said, and looked down into his Faygo. He took a sip, then laughed to himself. "Y'know, it's funny. If we'd done this a day ago, I'd a' been complainin' about how Sol was stealin' Fef away from me, and there was this massive fuckin' conspiracy against me." He took another swig. "But then somethin' happened to me that made me realize what a fuckin' tool I was bein'."

"Well, shit, brother, what happened?" Gamzee asked, moving his head toward Eridan, but not looking at him. "Was it a motherfuckin' miracle?"

"No, it wasn't a fuckin'--" Eridan snapped, but suddenly stopped himself. "Well, maybe it kind of was a fuckin' miracle." He glanced at Nepeta, who just rolled her eyes at him.

"Hahaha, fuck yeah," Gamzee said, briefly raising his Faygo in a toast. "Preach it, motherfucker."

"Not much to fuckin' tell, I'm afraid," Eridan mused, taking a quick swig of soda. He motioned to Nepeta. "Tried to rope her into pullin' some kinda fuckin' ruse to make Fef flushed for me. Instead she tore me a new set of gills an' laid my every fuckin' iniquity bare before me like a filleted fuckin' mackerel." He laughed to himself. "An' now I'm sittin' here drinkin' Faygo with a fuckin' clown at her goddamn behest." Nepeta tried and failed to stifle a giggle, and Eridan just shot her a dirty look in response (albeit one garnished with the slightest smirk).

"Fuck, bro," Gamzee said with a laugh, "there's your motherfuckin' miracle right there."

Eridan gave him a sidelong glance. "What's a fuckin' miracle?"

"The fact that a brother like you and a motherfucker like me could all get our sit on and spit with each other like we're motherfuckin' palebros," Gamzee replied, and looked out one of his windows into the colorful sky of his land. "Ain't a motherfucker alive what could've foretold a fuckin' union as this." He waved his empty hand in the air. "Motherfuckin' miracles."

Eridan stared at him slack-jawed for a moment. "Gam, that's the stupidest fuckin' thing I've ever heard." After another beat, he raised his bottle of Faygo into the air. "But fuck, I'll drink to it." Gamzee simply chortled, and they bumped their sodas together in a toast, then each took a long swig in unison.

Nepeta decided now was a good enough time to give the soda in her hand a try. She carefully opened it--it didn't fizz up that much, thankfully--and took a wary sip. The indulgence didn't escape Eridan's detection. "Hey Nep, how is it?" he turned and asked her.

She just waggled her free hand side to side in front of her. "It's drinkable," she said unenthusiastically. It was actually pretty decent, but she wasn't about to tell him that.

Gamzee looked over to Eridan. "So what's all this motherfuckin' noise around the fishsister and Mr. Cherries and Berries?"

"Well, the thing is..." Eridan started, and looked down at the floor. "Me an' Fef were moirails up until just recently. But I was flushed for her the entire fuckin' time. Like, murder-the-fuckin'-world-for-her flushed." He sighed. "But as soon as I got in the fuckin' game, she dumped me. Ended our moirallegiance. Wasn't even willin' to consider somethin' redder. Just ran off with that fuckin' mustardblood first chance she got."

Gamzee frowned. "Shit, I'm sorry, bro," he said mournfully, rubbing Eridan's shoulder.

Eridan reached his hand up, wanting to pull Gamzee's hand off him, but suddenly thought fuck it and dropped it again. "Nah, it's my own fuckin' fault," he said, then took another swig of Faygo and resumed looking at the floor. "The whole fuckin' time we were moirails, I was a piece a' shit to her. I was just constantly blockin' her off with my theatrical fuckin' bullshit. An' I never even gave her feelin's a fuckin' inch a' consideration." He sighed once more and pressed his free hand against the side of his head. "She thought I hated her, Gam. And in retrospect, I don't fuckin' blame her."

He turned to Gamzee, purple tears welling in his eyes. "Am I even a good person, Gam?" he asked, his voice starting to crack. "Do I even deserve a fuckin' matesprit?"

Gamzee moved his hand further around Eridan, rubbing his back. "Sure you fuckin' do, brother," he said with a sympathetic smirk. "I mean, yeah, you fucked up every which motherfuckin' way it's possible to fuck in that specific direction, but at least you know you motherfuckin' did it. Gives you a leg up after every other motherfucker what ever fucked somethin' up."

"Yeah, I guess," Eridan said, wiping the moisture from his eyes.

Gamzee leaned in a little closer. "You still wanna be her matesprit?"

Eridan broke eye contact with Gamzee, looking at the floor again. "Nah, I've pretty much given up on that," he said ruefully. "She deserves a better fuckin' matesprit than me anyway."

"Motherfucker, that is not true," Gamzee said sternly, prodding his bottle of Faygo into Eridan's chest for emphasis. "You're every fuckin' bit the matesprit she deserves. You're just not the one she motherfuckin' needs right now."

Eridan looked up at Gamzee, a curious look on his face. "What do you mean?"

"You're a good motherfucker, brother," Gamzee said, looking him in the eyes. "And you'd be a miracle of a matesprit, I can motherfuckin' tell. She just can't see that shit 'cause she's all sour off your motherfuckin' breakup."

Eridan's mouth curled into the tiniest smirk. "You really think so?"

"Motherfucker, I know so," Gamzee said, bumping his Faygo into Eridan's chest once more.

"Shit, that's nice a' you to say, Gam," Eridan said, and he looked away, a faint purple flush spreading through his cheeks, "but I still don't fuckin' know. I think she'd be happier with somebody else." He knocked back his Faygo for a quick swig, then paused for a moment in contemplation. "Or maybe..."

"You would," Gamzee ventured to guess.

Eridan let out a long, bodily sigh, his broad frame sinking into his amorphous seat. "Maybe," he said despondently. "Fuck, I don't know. I mean..." He paused to take a breath. "I'm still flushed for her. Course I'm still fuckin' flushed for her. Have been for sweeps, and it's not just gonna up and fuckin' disappear overnight. But..." He sighed once more. "Now every fuckin' time I think about her, I think about what a fuckin' asshole I was to her, and I can't fuckin' take it."

Gamzee just frowned. "Well, shit, bro. Not sure what all to motherfuckin' tell you."

"Yeah, I know," Eridan said, taking a swig of Faygo, then staring up at the ceiling. "It's fuckin' easy to fall in love with somebody, but how the fuck do you fall out?"

"I don't know, motherfucker," Gamzee said, then patted Eridan on the back. "But maybe I can motherfuckin' help."

Eridan laughed. "Thanks, Gam," he said, a grin creeping its way onto his face. "Hell, I think even airin' this shit out to somebody has helped me out a lot already."

"Any time, brother," Gamzee said, raising his Faygo in a toast. "Keep the motherfuckin' icecold flowin', and I'll hear you the motherfuck up." Eridan just laughed again and bumped his soda into Gamzee's.

The two sat in silence for a moment, drinking their Faygo, before Eridan piped up. "You flushed for anybody, Gam?" he turned and asked, his voice full of genuine curiosity.

Gamzee didn't respond immediately. "Yeah," he eventually muttered, staring at the floor.

Eridan looked over at him, a mild look of concern on his face. "Well, who?" he asked, then glanced over to Nepeta. "Unless that's too private."

Nepeta gave a dismissive little wave. "I already know."

Gamzee continued to stare at the floor, his cheeks beginning to flush indigo. Eridan nudged him with his elbow. "C'mon, I'm not gonna give you shit over it or anythin'."

"Tavros," Gamzee muttered, looking away.

"Tav? The fuckin' fudgeb--" Eridan snapped, then suddenly caught himself. "Well, I mean... that's not so bad. I guess. I mean, you two are friends or somethin', right? Sorry, I get all this shit third-hand from Kar."

Gamzee slumped down in his seat. "We were, up before I went and fucked it up."

Eridan cocked an eyebrow. "What happened?"

Gamzee sighed. "I jumped the motherfuckin' gun," he said dejectedly. "Propositioned him to some sloppy makeouts down from the motherfuckin' purple. Scared the brother off."

"Aw, shit, I'm sorry, Gam," Eridan said with a supportive pat on the shoulder.

"Ain't your fault, motherfucker," Gamzee said, lightly jabbing a fist into Eridan's rib. "I'm the dumb motherfucker what fucked it all over."

"Well, wait," Eridan said and turned in his bean bag chair, leaning into it on his side, "just how bad are we fuckin' talkin' here? What did he say?"

Gamzee at last lifted his head and turned to Eridan. "That's just it, motherfucker, he didn't say shit," he said. "Just stopped motherfuckin' talkin' and signed off before a while."

"Well, that's not a fuckin' rejection," Eridan said, trying his best not to sound amused, "that's just fuckin' Tav. I mean, yeah, you probably spooked him good, but that doesn't mean the end of the fuckin' ride for you two. You might still have a chance."

"Yeah, maybe," Gamzee said, looking away again.

Eridan clamped a hand on his shoulder. "No, Gam, look at me," he said, and Gamzee complied. "I think you should fuckin' go for it. I mean, between us, we're the two loneliest brinesuckers in fuckin' paradox space. I think one of us deserves a shot at true love."

Gamzee looked him in the eyes, smiling weakly. "You think so?"

Eridan just smirked. "Motherfucker, I know so," he said, and bumped his bottle of Faygo into Gamzee's chest.

"Well, shit, brother," Gamzee said with a smile, "if that's all how you're motherfuckin' feeling over that subject, I guess I've got to up and fuckin' oblige." He looked away again. "But I don't know if I can just up and confess this shit to him."

"No, no, I'm not sayin' you should do somethin' fuckin' stupid like that," Eridan said with a sudden surge of enthusiasm. "We've got to come up with a fuckin' strategy for this shit. Plot out some big fuckin' ruse to make him fall for you." He signaled over to Nepeta. "Hell, we can even get her in on it. Don't let the cutesy facade fool you, she's fuckin' devious."

"Hee hee!" Nepeta giggled. "But really, I'd be happy to help!"

"Yeah, see?" Eridan said, turning back to Gamzee. He pointed a finger at him. "Look, you stick by me, and I'll get all your shit sorted out. Get you off the slime, get you a matesprit, shit, I'll even get you a fuckin' kismesis if you want one."

"Well, shit, brother," Gamzee said, "you'd do that for me?"

"Course, Gam," Eridan said, and raised a fist in his direction. "What are moirails for?" Gamzee smiled and raised his own, and they bunped most heartily.

Nepeta squealed and clapped--or came as close to clapping as she could with her right hand occupied by a bottle of Faygo. "That's great! You really want to be meowrails?"

"Sure, why not?" Eridan asked with a smirk. "Gives me somethin' to fuckin' do."

She turned to Gamzee. "And Gamzee, you want to, too?"

"I don't see why the fuck not, sister," Gamzee said, raising his Faygo to her. "We're just two motherfuckers lookin' out on each other."

"This is great!" Nepeta exclaimed, pumping her fists in excitement. "I think you two will be pawesome fur each other!"

"Yeah, sure we will," Eridan said, then pointed his bottle of Faygo at her. "Hey, you want to stick around? Help us with this big fuckin' scheme of ours?"

Nepeta brushed the idea off with a polite wave. "Actually, I think I've occupied enough of your time fur now. You two deserve some time alone."

"Yeah, fine, this ain't no fuckin' free show anyway," Eridan said with a dismissive wave of his own. "You got enough feelin's here to get your pale rocks off for fuckin' sweeps."

Nepeta giggled. "Yeah, it's getting me all hot and bothered, let me tell you!" She started toward the hallway leading back to the hive's entrance. "Anyway, have fun, you two!"

"Hey, Nep, before you go," Eridan started, and Nepeta stopped and turned to him. "Thanks for this."

"Yeah, thanks, sister," Gamzee said, raising his Faygo. "You're a motherfuckin' miracle all up in yourself."

Nepeta raised her own Faygo bottle in a long-distance toast. "No purroblem, you two! Just doing my job." She lowered the bottle once more and took a sip. "Oh, and I'll be making another memo soon, so be ready to post on it!"

"Yeah, yeah," Eridan said, rolling his eyes, "brag to the whole fuckin' world about givin' me a morail, I get it."

"I didn't give you a meowrail, Eridan," Nepeta replied with a smirk, "I gave you a rope."

Eridan just laughed. "Yeah, yeah, fair fuckin' point," he said, and raised his bottle of Faygo to her. "See you around, kid."

"Bye, you two!" Nepeta said with an enthusiastic wave, and finally made her way out of Gamzee's hive. As she walked away, she reflected on the whole situation. She was satisfied that yet another ship had been realized, and Eridan and Gamzee really did seem to want to help each other, but she still felt like something was missing. She stopped and turned to the hive, but still couldn't figure out what it was. It wasn't until she looked into her hand that it suddenly hit her.

She needed some real fucking tea.

She turned to make her way back to her hive, tossing the half-empty bottle of Faygo behind her.

***

CURRENT arsenicCatnip [CAC] RIGHT NOW opened memo on board :33 < THE SHIPPING WALL.

CAC: *the rogue of heart suddenly bursts into the m33ting hall, the spoils of another successful ship gleaming in her hands*
CURRENT caligulasAquarium [CCA] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.
CCA: look nep do wwe really havve to do this
CAC: :33 < hey! you interrupted my introduction!
CCA: god nobody evven givves a shit about your stupid introductions
CAC: :33 < more like nopawdy gives a shit about your stupid face!
PAST centaursTesticle [PCT] 15 MINUTES AGO responded to memo.
PCT: D --> Language
CAC: :33 < equius, stay out of this!
CAC banned PCT from responding to memo.
CCA: i mean do you really havve to announce this
CAC: :33 < why wouldnt i ameownce it?
CCA: look i just
CCA: i kinda wwant to keep the wwhole thing loww key ok
CAC: :33 < oh, well in THAT case
CAC: :OO < i am INCREDIBLY PLEASED to VERY PAWBLICALLY AMEOWNCE that ERIDAN AMPURRA and GAMZ33 MAKARA are officially MEOWRAILS!!!!
CAC: :OO < IS EFURRYPAWDY NOT INCREDIBLY HAPPY TO HEAR THAT???
CCA: god damnit
CCA: i just fuckin set myself up for that one didnt i
FUTURE twinArmageddons [FTA] 12 MINUTES FROM NOW responded to memo.
FTA: eheheh, yeah dude, you pretty much diid.
CCA: oh great here comes the fuckin peanut gallery noww
CCA: thank you so fuckin much for this nep
CAC: :33 < h33 h33! youre welcome!
FTA: 2o where'2 the lucky clown now?
CCA: ugh fine may as wwell drag him into this
CURRENT terminallyCapricious [CTC] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.
CTC: ShIt, YeAh, I'm MoThErFuCkIn HeRe.
CTC: HoNk HoNk HoNk! :o)
PAST carcinoGeneticist [PCG] 3 MINUTES AGO responded to memo.
CAC banned PCG from responding to memo.
PAST carcinoGeneticist [PCG] 1 MINUTE AGO responded to memo.
CAC banned PCG from responding to memo.
CURRENT carcinoGeneticist [CCG] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.
CCG: GOD DAMNIT, WHY DO I KEEP GETTING FUCKING BANNED.
FTA: eheheheh, ii 2ee you've dii2covered how the temporal lock2 work.
FTA: np deciided to tiighten the lea2h on you after the iinciident on the previiou2 memo.
CCG: THAT IS SO FUCKING STUPID, WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT.
CCG: NOW I'VE GOT TO MARCH IN PERFECT FUCKING LOCKSTEP WITH THESE MEMOS IF I EVER WANT TO RESPOND TO THEM?
FTA: liike that'2 even a fuckiing problem.
FTA: you've already been re2pondiing two them iin real fuckiing tiime from the very begiinniing, mii2ter wannabe troll hiitch.
CCG: SHUT UP.
FTA: wow, niice comeback, bro.
CCG: NO SERIOUSLY, SHUT UP, I CAME HERE FOR A REASON.
CCG: NAMELY, GAMZEE, ARE YOU SERIOUSLY MOIRAILS WITH ERIDAN NOW?
CTC: FuCk YeAh, BeSt PlAtOnIc MoThErFuCkIn FrIeNd.
CTC: We PrEtTy MuCh Up AnD mAdE tHaT sHiT mOtHeRfUcKiN oFfIcIaL.
CCG: OH.
CCG: WELL THAT'S
CCG: KIND OF WEIRD, BUT OKAY, I GUESS.
FTA: 2eriiou2ly, ed, ii can't beliieve you were 2o fuckiing de2perate for company that you let np 2et you up iin a moiirallegiiance wiith thii2 fuckiing guy.
CCA: shut the fuck up sol im fuckin searious about this
CCA: ivve got all sorts of plans for this motherfucker right here
CCA: im gettin him off fuckin sopor for one fuckin thing
CCA: then wwere gonna fill all the rest a his fuckin quadrants out and basically get all his fuckin shit together
CCA: its gonna be fuckin glorious
PAST adiosToreador [PAT] 10 MINUTES AGO responded to memo.
PAT: wHOA, uH, hANG ON,
PAT: yOU'RE TAKING HIM OFF THE SLIME,
CCA: yeah thats pretty much priority fuckin one right noww
PAT: wELL, yOU SHOULD PROBABLY, bE CAREFUL,
PAT: hE TENDS TO BEHAVE A BIT, uH,
PAT: eRRATICALLY,
PAT: wHEN HE FORGETS TO EAT IT,
CCA: tavv i appreciate your concern and all but i think ivve got this under fuckin control
CCA: wwere in full detox mode ovver here
CCA: pretty much goin straight up cold featherbeast
CCA: evven drained the slime outta the fuckin recuperacoon
CCA: gonna fuckin suck sleepin on a pile a empty faygo bottles but its a sacrifice im wwillin to make
PAT: wAIT, yOU MEAN,
PAT: yOU STARTED ALREADY,
CCA: wwell yeah
CCA: its kinda the first thing on the fuckin agenda
CCA: dont wworry about it tavv ill take good care of him
PAT: oH, i'M SURE HE'LL BE FINE,
PAT: i WAS MORE WORRIED ABOUT, uH,
PAT: yOU, sPECIFICALLY
CCA: wwhat
PAT: wELL, lOOK, iF ANYTHING BAD HAPPENS,
PAT: jUST CONTACT ME,
CCA: i think ill be fuckin fine but ok
CTC: HeY tAvBrO!
CTC: WhAt tHe FuCk Is Up My BrOtHeR?
CTC: HoNk HoNk! :o)
PAT: oH, uH, hEY gAMZEE, nOT MUCH,
PAT: i JUST GOT DONE WITH MY FIRST FEELINGS JAM WITH vRISKA,
PAT: sO THAT WAS PRETTY COOL,
CTC: AwWwWwW sHiT yEaH, bRo!
CTC: TaVbRo TaMiN tHe MoThErFuCkIn SpIdEr!
CTC: SpIlL tHaT sHiT, bRoThEr FrOm AnOtHeR gRuBmOtHeR!
PAT: hAHA, wELL,
PAT: mUCH MUTUAL CONCILIATION WAS REALIZED,
PAT: aND IT WAS VERY PRODUCTIVE FOR ALL PARTIES INVOLVED,
PAST arachnidsGrip [PAG] 8 MINUTES AGO responded to memo.
PAG: Whoa, hey, Tavros, easy with the pillow talk!!!!!!!!
PAG: This is kind of priv8 stuff here!!!!!!!!
CTC: HaHaHa, SpIlL aLl ThAt ShIt, TaVbRo!
CTC: SpIlL iT lIkE a FaYgO yOu AlL sHoOk Up ToO mUcH aNd OpEnEd It!
CTC: FoAm AlL sPrAyIn EvErYwHeRe MaKiN iT rAiN a MiLlIoN mOtHeRfUcKiN mIrAcLeS dOwN uP tHe MoThErFuCkIn SkY!
CTC: SoMe Of ThAt ShIt GeTs In OnE oF yOuR pIeS aNd It'S aNoThEr MoThErFuCkIn MiRaClE aLl ItS oWn!
PAT: wELL, i DON'T WANT TO GET TOO HORNOGRAPHIC,
PAT: bUT SEVERAL FIST BUNPS WERE HAD,
PAT: aND A PILE MAY OR MAY NOT HAVE BEEN INVOLVED,
PAG: Uuuuuuuugh, Tavros, you're em8arrassing me!!!!!!!!
PAT: hAHA, vRISKA, iT'S NOTHING TO BE EMBARRASSED ABOUT,
PAT: aLL WE DID WAS TALK ABOUT FEELINGS,
CCA: yeah vvris
CCA: i mean gam an ivve been jammin all night ovver here
CCA: ok shit wwhen i say it that wway it sounds dirty
CCA: but seariously its not a huge deal
PAG: Sorry, I'm just kind of used to moirail stuff 8eing more intim8.
PAG: Like when your moirail m8kes a 8unch of skimpy outfits and t8kes pictures of you trying them on.
PAG: Or when you t8ke a 8ath and your moirail scru8s down your whole 8ody for you.
CCG: UH
CAC: :33 < er
PAG: ........Neither of those are actual moirail things, are they?
CAC: :33 < no, not really!
PAG: God damn you, Kanaya!!!!!!!!
FUTURE grimAuxiliatrix [FGA] 17 MINUTES FROM NOW responded to memo.
FGA: I Would Say Im Sorry
FGA: But Im Seriously Not Even A Little Sorry
PAG: Hahahahahahahaha, <33333333
FGA: <3
FGA ceased responding to memo.
FTA: ugh, could you two 2eriiou2ly ju2t fuckiing 2top wiith the con2tant pda2 already?
CCG: OH WOW, SOLLUX, IS IT REALLY ANNOYING WHEN TWO PEOPLE ARE CONSTANTLY FUCKING HITTING ON EACH OTHER IN THESE MEMOS???
CCG: WHATEVER COULD HAVE POSSIBLY MADE YOU FUCKING THINK THAT?????
PAG: Yeah, you're really one to fucking talk, lover8oy!!!!!!!!
PAG: Flirted with any heiresses l8ely?
FTA: the diifference between me and ff and you and kn ii2 that you're a fuckiing annoyiing biitch.
PAG: No, the difference is that me and Kanaya are m8sprits!!!!!!!!
PAG: What does that make YOU, Mr. Commitment????????
FTA: that'2 not any of your fuckiing bu2iine22, vk.
FUTURE cuttlefishCuller [FCC] 8 MINUTES FROM NOW responded to memo.
FCC: Yea)(, Vriska, t)(is R-E-ELY isn't t)(e time or t)(e place for t)(is, so please just let it go!
PAG: Okay, okay, I'll drop it, 8ut only for your s8ke.
PAG: Seriously, you can't let this douche8ag string you along forever.
FCC: VRISKA.
FCC: >38(
PAG: Dropping it!!!!!!!! It's dropped!!!!!!!!
CCA: oh uh
CCA: hey fef
FCC: )(ey -Eridan.
FCC: I'm R-E-ELY )(APPY for you! And I'm glad you found anot)(er morayeel!
FCC: And I )(ope t)(ings go SWIMMINGLY for you two!
CCA: yeah thanks
CCA: look uh fef
CCA: just wwhile youre here
CCA: theres somethin i wwanted to say to you
FCC: U)(... w)(at is it?
CCA: its not anythin desperate or stupid so just hear me out ok
CCA: i just wanted to say
CCA: im really sorry for the wway i treated you wwhen wwe wwere moirails
CCA: i wwas basically a complete piece a shit to you an i nevver gavve any consideration to your feelins an you had evvery fuckin right to wwant to end it
FCC: -Eridan, t)(at's not entirely true!
CCA: no it is entirely fuckin true
CCA: i wwas a complete asshole to you and you deservved better
CCA: an i realize at this point ivve pretty much fuckin sunk all hope a you bein my matesprit
CCA: but i hope at some point wwe can at least be friends
FCC: Of course, -Eridan! I would LOV-E t)(at!
CCA: yeah i figured
CCA: but for noww i think
CCA: itd be for the best if wwe just kinda avvoided each other
CCA: not for anythin youvve done mind you
CCA: its just that right noww evvery time i think of you i think of wwhat a complete fuckin scumbag i wwas and
CAC: it hurts fef
FCC: I understand, Eridan.
FCC: Whenever you're ready to talk to me again, I'll be there.
FCC: And for the record, I'm really sorry for the way things turned out between us.
CCA: fef dont apologize it wasnt your fault
FCC: Yes it was!
FCC: Well, I mean, it was both of our faults, probably.
FCC: Look, just don't blame this whole thing entirely on yourself.
FCC: You're a great guy, Eridan. I really mean that.
FCC: I hope you and Gamzee can help each other the way we never did.
FCC: And I hope you find a matesprit who can make you happier than I ever could.
CCA: thanks fef
CCA: for the record i hope things work out with you and sol too
CCA: or whoever else youre thinkin about pursuin
FCC: Thank you, Eridan.
FCC: And whenever you want to talk to me, please feel free.
FCC: Hopefully sooner rather than later.
CCA: of course fef
FCC: But I've wasted enough of your time.
FCC: I t)(ink I'll just reef you abalone for now!
CCA: its fine really
CCA: wwait i mean reely
CCA: just
CCA: havve a good life fef
FCC: You too, -Eridan!
FCC: Glub glub glub! 38D
FCC ceased responding to memo.
FTA: wow, that wa2...
FTA: 2urprii2iingly mature of you, ed.
CCA: and as for you sol
CCA: lets just say this little black thing betwween us is fuckin OVVER
CCA: that ship has fuckin SAILED my friend
CCA: from noww on youll find nothin but platonic dislike from me
FTA: oh no, ed, ii'm cru2hed, really.
FTA: what could have ever cau2ed thii2 paiinful riift between u2?
CCA: i dont wwanna revveal too many details
CCA: but lets just say ivve got a kismesis in mind thatll make our little fling look like the grubs play it alwways fuckin wwas
PAG: Wow, really, Eridan?
PAG: Just who is this maaaaaaaagical h8crush of yours????????
CCA: for fucks sake vvris theres nothin fuckin magic about it
CCA: and dont evven fuckin flatter yourself thinkin its you
CCA: that ships sailed so far its fuckin sunk
CCA: its twwenty thousand leagues under the fuckin sea by noww
PAG: Hahahahahahahaha, whatever.
PAG: I'm so over our pathetic little kismesissitude, it needs a telescope to even see me.
PAG: I'm just wondering who the unlucky target's going to 8e.
CCA: not that its any of your fuckin business but im not evven the fuckin instigator here
CCA: just recently the clouds parted and dowwn from the blisterin sun descended an awwesome and terrible obsidian angel wwreathed in searin wwings a vviridian flame
CCA: then she opened her beautiful maww and wwith a single wword she completely fuckin annihilated my shit in the blackest a caliginous flames
FTA: ed, what the actual fuck are you even talkiing about.
PAG: Yeah, this is starting to sound like some kind of fucked up su8jugglator cult story.
CCA: and the best part is she doesnt evven realize wwhat the fuck she evven did
CCA: like she pretty much just threww out this amazin black solicitation in the most blatant fuckin wway possible and then just treated it like it wwas this completely innocent thing
CAC: :33 < eridan, as much as i hate to interrupt you
CAC: :33 < which is not at all
CAC: :33 < beclaws i kind of dont even like you
CAC: :33 < this really isnt the place to talk about blackrom!
CCA: yeah yeah i knoww
CCA: probably shouldnt evven be disclosin shit about it in such an obvvious fuckin wway
FTA: yeah, well, good luck wiith all that weiird 2hiit you were ju2t talkiing about.
FTA: and thanks for not beiing 2uch a fuckiing tool about me and ff.
CCA: youre not wwelcome asshole
CCA: just cause wwere not rivvals anymore doesnt mean wwere suddenly fuckin friends
FTA: ii wouldn't havve iit any other way, ed.
CCA: an good luck tryin to find somebody to fuckin replace me
PAG: Oh, I wouldn't even worry a8out that, Eridan.
PAG: Sollux is unlikea8le enough that finding some8ody that h8es him should 8e gru8's play!
FTA: oh god, vk, don't even 2tart.
PAG: That is, unless he's a complete fucking idi8 who's too stupid to know a good kismesis when he sees one!!!!!!!!
FTA: vk, for the la2t tiime, ju2t fuck off.
FTA: ii am not even iintere2ted iin you liike that.
FTA: and for fuck'2 2ake, 2top fuckiing talkiing to ff.
PAG: Why? Are you her moirail or something????????
PAG: Oh, that's right! She's just some girl to you!
PAG: So may8e YOU'RE the one who should just fuck off!!!!!!!!
FTA: vk, 2hut the fuck up!
FTA: what'2 goiing on between me and ff ii2 none of your fuckiing concern!
PAG: Well, it's o8viously none of yours, either!!!!!!!!
PAG: May8e I'm just looking out for her, you ever think a8out that????????
FTA: 2iince when are you 2o iintere2ted iin ff, anyway?
FTA: do you want to murder her, too?
PAG: Oh, you s8n of a f8cking 8ITCH!!!!!!!!
CAC: XOO < WHAT DID I JUST SAY!!!
CAC: XOO < NO BLACKROM!!!
CAC banned PAG from responding to memo.
CAC banned FTA from responding to memo.
PAT: uH, wOW,
PAT: wHAT EVEN JUST HAPPENED,
PAT: lIKE,
PAT: sHOULD i BE CONCERNED FOR vRISKA'S SAFETY RIGHT NOW,
CCG: I WOULDN'T WORRY ABOUT IT, TAVROS.
CCG: SOLLUX IS KIND OF FUCKED UP SOMETIMES, BUT I DON'T THINK HE'S GOING TO TRY TO KILL HER.
CCG: IF ONLY BECAUSE IT'D GO AGAINST THE POINT HE'S TRYING TO MAKE.
CCA: ok im just gonna fuckin say it
CCA: anybody else get a fuckin bulge just from readin that
CCG: OH MY GOD NO SHUT UP.
CCA: ok ok battin dowwn the fuckin hatches here
CCA: look kar wwhile im airin shit out i may as wwell say
CCA: im sorry for bein such an annoyin piece a shit to you about this wwhole thing wwith fef
CCG: NO, MAN, DON'T EVEN WORRY ABOUT IT.
CCG: YOU HAD A LOT OF EMOTIONAL WEIGHT INVESTED IN IT, AND SHE JUST KIND OF PULLED THE FUCKING RUG OUT FROM UNDER YOU.
CCG: NOW I FEEL KIND OF SHITTY FOR BEING SUCH A DICK TO YOU ABOUT IT.
CCA: kar dont be sorry
CCA: i really wwas bein a fuckin tool to you
CCA: i wwas just wworkin more a my fuckin emotional theatrics on you the wwhole fuckin time
CCA: couldnt evven drop the fuckin pretenses for a friend
CCG: ERIDAN, JUST
CCG: FORGET IT, OKAY?
CCG: I UNDERSTAND.
CCA: ok
CCA: so
CCA: wwe cool
CCG: WE COOL.
CCA: thanks kar
CCA: youre a true fuckin friend
CCG: DON'T SWEAT IT.
CCG; JUST TAKE CARE OF GAMZEE, OKAY?
CCG: HE FUCKING NEEDS IT.
CTC: AnD yOu TaKe CaRe On YoUr OwN mOtHeRfUcKiN sElF, bEsT pLaToNiC mOtHeRfUcKiN fRiEnD.
CTC: HoNk. ;o)
CCG: UH, RIGHT.
CCG: SURE THING, GAMZEE.
CCG: I'LL GET RIGHT FUCKING ON THAT.
CCG: AND IF YOU EVER WANT TO TALK ABOUT RELATIONSHIPS OR ANYTHING, BY ALL MEANS, FEEL FUCKING FREE.
CCA: thanks kar i really appreciate it
CCG: I REALIZE THIS IS KIND OF A SHITTY THING TO ASK, GIVEN THE WHOLE SHITSTORM WITH YOU AND FEFERI
CCG: BUT ARE YOU THINKING OF LOOKING FOR ANOTHER MATESPRIT YET?
CCA: as a matter a fact i fuckin am
CCA: got a prime target in my crosshairs right fuckin noww
CCA: nep an i are devvisin such a brilliant fuckin scheme to wwin em ovver theyll nevver see it comin
CCA: wwoww fuck i just realized that wwas a really shitty wway a sayin that nevvermind
CCG: WELL SHIT, I'D LOVE TO GET IN ON THAT.
CCG: I HEAR ABOUT NEPETA PULLING ALL THESE INSANE ROMANTIC COMEDY-ESQUE SHENANIGANS AND IT GIVES ME THE WEIRDEST FUCKING BULGE.
CAC: :33 < h33 h33, what?
CCG: WAIT, SHIT
CCG: I JUST REALIZED THAT WAS LIKE COMPELTELY THE WRONG FUCKING WAY TO SAY THAT.
CAC: :33 < well, id love fur you to get involved, karkitty!
CAC: :33 < but this purrticular plan is r3333ally complicated already!
CAC: :33 < there are already a lot of people involved
CAC: :33 < im afurraid if i try to add any more, itll all collapse upawn itself!
CCG: JEGUS, YOU MAKE IT SOUND LIKE A FUCKING DIAMOND HEIST.
CCG: GODDAMN IT WHY DID I JUST SAY JEGUS
CAC: :33 < h33 h33!
CAC: :33 < well, it kind of is!
CAC: :33 < except a diamond isnt the purrticular jewel were after!
CCG: YEAH YEAH, THE REAL TREASURE IS THE HEART OF THE GIRL, OR SOME OTHER SHITTY METAPHOR LIKE THAT, I GET IT.
CAC: :33 < actually, the jewel metafur is slightly more literal in this case
CAC: :33 < but only a little!
CCG: WHAT?
CAC: :33 < im giving too much away already!
CAC: :33 < just wait!
CAC: :33 < itll be clawrious, youll s33!
CCG: OKAY, MORE CAGEY BULLSHIT, GOTCHA.
CCG: WELL, IF YOU EVER WANT TO WORK ON SOME ZANY PLOT TOGETHER, HIT ME THE FUCK UP.
CCG: I WILL GLADLY BE THE TROLL KEVIN JAMES TO YOUR TROLL WILL SMITH.
CAC: :33 < wow, karkitty, im flattered!
CCG: RIGHT, WHATEVER.
CCG: ERIDAN, DON'T FUCK UP TOO BADLY WITH GAMZEE.
CCG: GAMZEE, DON'T ANNOY ERIDAN TOO MUCH.
CCG: TAVROS, UH... NOT REALLY SURE WHAT TO SAY TO YOU.
PAT: i DON'T KNOW, mAYBE,
PAT: dON'T LET vRISKA KILL OR MAIM ME AGAIN,
CCG: AHAHAHAHA YES, THAT IS THE PERFECT THING TO SAY, GOOD WORK.
CCG: AND NEPETA, KEEP FUCKING SHIPPING.
CAC: :33 < sir yes sir!
CCG: AND FOR GOD'S SAKE
CCG: PLEASE NEVER STOP SAYING THAT WHENEVER I GIVE YOU AN ORDER.
CAC: :33 < h33 h33, sir yes sir!!
CCG: YOU DIDN'T ASK, BUT YES, ADDING THE GIGGLE IS ACCEPTABLE.
CCG: ANYWAY, I'M THE FUCK OUT.
CCG ceased responding to memo.
PAT: yEAH, i SHOULD PROBABLY GO, tOO
PAT: vRISKA'S PROBABLY GOING TO BE FUMING ABOUT sOLLUX SOON,
PAT: sO i'LL NEED TO, uH,
PAT: cALM HER DOWN ABOUT THAT,
PAT: };)
CTC: AwWwWwW sHiT, tAvBrO's AbOuT tO gEt HiS mOtHeRfUcKiN pAlEbRo On!
CTC: EvAcUaTe ThE mOtHeRfUcKiN pReMiSeS, bEcAuSe SoMe SeRiOuS mOtHeRfUcKiN cOnCiLiAtIoN iS aBoUt To Go ThE fUcK dOwN!!
PAT: hAHA, yEAH,
PAT: tHANKS, gAMZEE,
PAT: aND i REALLY HOPE YOUR MOIRALLEGIANCE WORKS OUT,
CCA: yeah thanks tavv
CCA: it seems like you an gam are really good fuckin friends
CCA: so hopefully wwe can talk more
PAT: uH, yEAH, sURE,
PAT: sO, gOOD LUCK TO YOU TWO,
PAT: aND i KNOW i ALREADY SAID THIS,
PAT: bUT, bE CAREFUL WITH THE SOPOR,
CCA: yeah of course
PAT: oKAY, wELL,
PAT: bYE,
PAT ceased responding to memo.
CAC: :33 < okay, well, that about wraps up this memo!
CAC: :33 < unless either of you have anything else to say
CCA: nah not really
CTC: YeAh, We'Re PrEtTy MuCh MoThErFuCkIn GoOd, CaTsIs.
CTC: ExCePt MaYbE fOr AnOtHeR cHaNcE tO uP aNd SaY tHaNkS fOr AlL tHiS sHiT aGaIn.
CCA: yeah sure lets go wwith that
CCA: thanks for settin all this up
CAC: :33 < hey, no purroblem!
CAC: :33 < just following my orders! ;33
CCA: but yeah thats it
CAC: :33 < great!
CAC: :33 < so i guess we can just close efurrything up here!
CCA: oh god youre not gonna do a stupid fuckin closin roleplayin narration are you
CAC: :33 < hey, screw you, my narrations are pawesome!
PAST centaursTesticle [PCT] 18 MINUTES AGO responded to memo.
PCT: D --> Nepeta, language
CAC: :33 < equius, this doesnt even concern you, so just SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!!
PCT: D --> Hrrrrk
CCA: yeah eq if your fuckin moirail wwants to insult me she can damn wwell use wwhatevver fuckin language she wwants
CCA: so wwhy dont you just mind your owwn fuckin business
CAC: :33 < yeah, equius!
PCT: D --> I
PCT: D --> But
PCT: D --> This is
CAC banned PCT from responding to memo.
CAC: :33 < ugh, now i dont even f33l like doing a narration!
CAC: :33 < thanks a lot, eridan, you stupid douche!
PAST centaursTesticle [PCT] 17 MINUTES AGO responded to memo.
CAC: NO
CAC banned PCT from responding to memo.
CCA: im doin you a fuckin favvor those things are embarrassin
CAC: :33 < well maybe i dont want any favors furom you!
CCA: wwell seein as i owwe you one youre gonna fuckin get it
CAC: :33 < ugh, this is so stupid!!
CAC: :33 < now i dont even know how to end this memo!
CAC: :33 < so im just banning efurryone!
CAC banned CCA from responding to memo.
CAC banned CTC from responding to memo.
CAC: :33 < howd the opawning narration even go?
CAC: :33 < something about bursting into the room with treasure
CAC: :33 < oh fuck it, im just banning myself
CAC banned herself from responding to memo.
PAST centaursTesticle [PCT] 16 MINUTES AGO responded to memo.
PCT: D --> NEPE
PCT: D --> Oh
PCT: D --> Um
PCT: D --> Fiddlesti%
CAC banned PCT from responding to memo.

CAC closed memo.

Chapter 7: Sidelines

Chapter 7

Sidelines

gallowsCalibrator [GC] began trolling apocalypseArisen [AA].

GC: H3Y
AA: what
GC: OH 1M GR34T 4R4D14, HOW 4R3 YOU
AA: is that all
GC: NO TH4TS NOT 4LL!!!! >:[
GC: 1M TRY1NG TO T4LK TO YOU 4R4D14
AA: 0k
GC: 1T K1ND OF S33M3D L1K3 YOU W3R3 FR34K1NG OUT 1N TH3 M3MO Y3ST3RD4Y
GC: SOM3TH1NG 4BOUT 4N 1NCONC31V4BLY POW3RFUL 3NT1TY M3DDL1NG W1TH OUR T1M3L1N3
AA: yes
AA: thats still s0mething im d0ing
GC: SOOO
GC: D1D YOU W4NT TO T4LK 4BOUT 1T
AA: i d0nt kn0w
AA: will talking ab0ut it help
GC: M4YB3 1T W1LL M4YB3 1T WONT
GC: BUT W1LL NOT T4LK1NG 4BOUT 1T H3LP?
AA: n0
GC: TH3N 1 SHOULD TH1NK TH3 4LT3RN4T1V3 1S 4 WHOL3 LOT FUCK1NG B3TTER!
AA: 0k
AA: well
AA: this timeline is d00med
AA: i kn0w i keep saying that but its kind 0f a big deal
AA: im still n0t sure h0w 0r when exactly it diverged fr0m the alpha timeline but it was s0mewhere in the past week
GC: HOW DO YOU KNOW 1TS DOOM3D 1F YOU DONT KNOW WH3N 1T H4PP3N3D?
AA: well
AA: im n0t supp0sed t0 tell y0u this
AA: but a l0t 0f things that arent supp0sed t0 be happening are anyway
AA: s0 screw it
AA: ive been maintaining a private bulletin b0ard t0 serve as an archive 0f inf0rmation useful t0 myself
AA: and by myself i mean every instance 0f myself in this and all 0ther extant timelines
AA: it c0ntains am0ng 0ther things a detailed l0g 0f all the events that transpire in the alpha timeline up t0 several weeks after the defeat 0f the black king
AA: and it states in n0 uncertain terms that any deviati0n fr0m such events indicates 0nes presence in a d00med timeline
GC: W41T
GC: SO YOU 4LR34DY KNOW HOW 3V3RYTH1NG GO3S?
AA: i kn0w h0w everything is supp0sed t0 g0
AA: and h0w it d0es g0 in the alpha timeline
AA: but in this timeline things have deviated significantly
GC: BUT YOU S41D B3FOR3 TH3R3 W4S SOM3TH1NG D1FF3R3NT 4BOUT TH1S T1M3L1N3
GC: 1T W4SNT B31NG D1SPOS3D OF OR SOM3TH1NG
AA: right
AA: parad0x space has mechanisms f0r eliminating any existence that is parad0xical in nature
AA: 0ur universe was created thr0ugh an unspeakably elab0rate series 0f stable time l00ps
AA: and 0f c0urse vari0us elements fr0m 0ther d00med timelines and even 0ther universes play vital r0les in this transacti0n
AA: any deviati0n fr0m this tightly scripted sequence 0f events will result in the failure 0f the universe t0 create itself thus making its existence a parad0x
AA: and thus any timeline that strays fr0m the events 0f the s0 called alpha timeline is d00med t0 be sl0wly and inex0rably destr0yed
AA: but even th0ugh this particular iterati0n is undeniably d00med it seems the pr0cess 0f its destructi0n has been p0stp0ned
GC: OK4Y
GC: SO WH4T SHOULD B3 H4PP3N1NG R1GHT NOW?
AA: right n0w this instance 0f 0ur universe sh0uld be sl0wly disintegrating
AA: f0r an instance t0 st0p existing entirely can take several sweeps
AA: but generally pe0ple g0 crazy and start murdering each 0ther f0r n0 apparent reas0n l0ng bef0re then
GC: WHY?
AA: i d0nt kn0w
AA: its a d00m thing i guess
GC: SO TH1S V3RS1ON OF OUR UN1V3RS3 1S DOOM3D
GC: BUT 1TS NOT F4D1NG 4W4Y TH3 W4Y 1T SHOULD B3
AA: essentially yes
GC: TH4T 4LMOST S33MS L1K3 4 GOOD TH1NG
GC: SO 1M 4SSUM1NG 1TS 4 HORR1BL3 TH1NG FOR SOM3 R34SON
AA: kind 0f
AA: the 0nly reas0n i can think 0f f0r the pr0cess t0 st0p is that s0me entity with p0wer 0ver the entr0pic mechanisms of parad0x space is actively h0lding them back
AA: and m0st such entities that i kn0w 0f are incredibly p0werful and unspeakably malev0lent
GC: JUST MOST OF TH3M? >:/
AA: there are 0thers 0f c0urse
AA: and alm0st certainly still m0re that i am unaware 0f
AA: but i assume their g0als w0uld be in direct c0ntradiction t0 th0se 0f the af0rementioned malev0lent 0nes and w0uld likely draw their ire
AA: and thus their preservati0n eff0rts w0uld be equally danger0us t0 us if n0t m0re s0
GC: W3LL
GC: WH4T COULD TH1S 3NT1TY W4NT FROM OUR T1M3L1N3?
AA: i d0nt kn0w
AA: ive tried expl0ring the timeline but with0ut the restricti0ns 0f being the alpha timeline there are an inc0nceivable number 0f branches
AA: s0me 0f them have actually started decaying again
AA: usually because 0ne 0f the players died
AA: but there are c0untless 0thers where all the players are alive and relatively speaking everything is fine but the pr0cess resumes anyway
AA: its kind 0f ann0ying
GC: Y34H, 1T SOUNDS L1K3 1T WOULD B3 >:[
GC: H4V3 YOU TR13D V1S1T1NG 4NY OTH3R T1M3L1N3S?
GC: M4YB3 3V3N TH3 4LPH4?
AA: n0
AA: the rttu suggests leaving a d00med timeline results in an even faster death than usual
AA: usually by expl0ding
GC: RTTU?
AA: s0rry r0ad t0 the und0ing
AA: its the name 0f the b0ard
GC: H4H4H4H4 TH4TS 4 STUP1D N4M3
AA: 0_0
GC: 1T SOUNDS L1K3 4 B4D TH1RD P4RTY FL4RP MODUL3
AA: ha i guess it kind 0f d0es
AA: ribbit
Gc: H3H3H3H3H3 >:D
Gc: 4NYW4Y
Gc: 1F TH1S T1M3L1N3 1S B31NG PROT3CT3D
GC: M4YB3 TH4T PROT3CT1ON WOULD 3XT3ND TO YOU 3V3N 1F YOU L3FT
AA: hm
AA: i didnt think 0f that
AA: but if it d0esnt and i try it ill pr0bably expl0de
AA: 0f c0urse even if i d0 there will still be a timeline where i decided n0t t0 try it s0 it d0esnt really matter
GC: TH4TS 4 PR3TTY C4V4L13R 4TT1TUD3 TO T4K3 ON YOUR OWN D34TH
AA: im a time player
AA: we have t0 be 0k with this kind 0f thing
GC: 1 GU3SS >:|
GC: BUT TH3R3 M1GHT B3 4 R3L14BL3 W4Y OF T3ST1NG 1T R1GHT NOW
AA: h0w
GC: S1MPL3
GC: W3 D3L1B3R4T3LY CR34T3 4 BR4NCH
GC: 1LL FL1P 4 CO1N 4ND T3LL YOU TH3 R3SULT
GC: 1F 1TS H34DS YOU GO TO TH3 4LPH4 T1M3L1N3 4ND H4NG OUT FOR 4 WH1L3
GC: 4ND 1F 1TS SCR4TCH YOU SW34R N3V3R TO TRY TO HOP TO 4NOTH3R T1M3L1N3
GC: TH3N 31TH3R W4Y YOU TR4V3L B4CK TO R1GHT 4FT3R 1 C4LL3D 1T
AA: s0 if i expl0de in the alpha timeline ill have a n0n d00med aradia t0 replace me immediately
AA: and if i c0me back safely there will be tw0 0f me
AA: but 0ne 0f them will c0me fr0m a pr0perly d00med timeline and thus alm0st immediately expl0de
AA: and whichever 0ne survives will indicate the pr0per c0urse 0f acti0n
GC: 3X4CTLY! >:]
AA: w0w
AA: maybe y0u sh0uld have been the time player
GC: YOUR3 4 F1N3 T1M3 PL4Y3R
GC: 1 M4Y B3 GOOD 4T TH3 WHOL3 T3MPOR4L LOG1ST1CS TH1NG
GC: BUT YOUR3 4 LOT B3TT3R 4T DY1NG
AA: 0_0
GC: OK4Y TH4T W4S 4 SH1TTY TH1NG TO S4Y
AA: its 0k
GC: NO 1TS NOT 0K!!!
GC: 1 PR3TTY MUCH JUST SH1T 4LL OV3R YOUR F33L1NGS 4ND 1TS NOT COOL
AA: i am a tin can
AA: r0b0ts d0nt have feelings
GC: OK4Y 1M 4LMOST 3NT1R3LY C3RT41N TH4TS S4RC4SM
GC: 4ND TH3R3FOR3 COMPL3T3LY S3LF D3F34T1NG
AA: sarcasm isnt a feeling n00kstain
AA: ribbit
GC: >:O
GC: 4R4D14 YOU 4R3 G3TT1NG DOWNR1GHT S4SSY W1TH M3!!!
AA: s0rry
AA: i d0 have em0ti0ns n0w
AA: m0stly anger
AA: n0 sh0rtage 0f lust either 0_0
AA: but thats ab0ut it as far as i kn0w
GC: >:P
GC: 1 GU3SS 3QU1US R34LLY H4D H1S PR1OR1T13S STR41GHT
AA: ugh yes
GC: "UGH Y3S"
GC: TH4TS PR3TTY MUCH TH3 SUMM4RY OF YOUR R3L4T1ONSH1P 1SNT 1T
GC: D --> 4R4D14 DO3S TH1S ROBOT BODY 100K 4%3PT4BL3 TO YOU
GC: UGH Y3S
GC: D --> 4R4D14 W1LL YOU K1SS M3 NOW
GC: UGH Y3S
GC: D --> 4R4D14 W1LL YOU PL34S3 SL4P M3 4 L1TTL3 H4RD3R
GC: UGH Y3S
AA: 0k
AA: please st0p
GC: H3H3H3H3 F1N3
AA: can we d0 the thing with the c0in n0w
GC: SUR3
GC: 4R3 YOU R34DY FOR TH3 N1GH 1NCOMPR3H3NS1BL3 PROB4B1L1ST1C T1M3 B1FURC4T1ON TH4T 1S 4BOUT TO UNFOLD??
AA: just flip the fucking c0in ne0phyte
GC: ...WH4T?
AA: i d0nt kn0w
AA: im n0t even sure why i said that
AA: in retr0spect its a really stupid thing t0 say
AA: 0_0
AA: but seri0usly flip it
GC: OK4Y
GC: 1TS H34DS
AA: 0k
AA: 0h w0w
GC: WH4T?
AA: just an expl0ding aradiab0t
AA: n0 big deal
AA: ribbit
GC: SO D1D YOU V1S1T TH3 4LPH4 T1M3L1N3?
AA: yes
GC: GR34T!!! >:D
GC: SO NOW YOU KNOW YOU C4N V1S1T OTH3R T1M3L1N3S W1THOUT 3XPLOD1NG!
AA: yes
AA: thats actually
AA: extremely helpful
AA: thank y0u terezi
GC: NO PROBL3M, H3H3
GC: BUT JUST 1N TH3 1NT3R3ST OF FULL D1SCLOSUR3
GC: 1 SHOULD PROB4BLY T3LL YOU
GC: 1 D1DNT 3V3N LOOK 4T TH3 CO1N 4FT3R 1 FL1PP3D 1T
GC: 1 JUST GU3SS3D 1T W4S H34DS
AA: 0f c0urse
AA: n0 d0ubt i was predestined t0 d0 this anyway
AA: even in a d00med timeline we cant escape the icy grip 0f fatalism
AA: but its fun t0 pretend
GC: >:/
GC: TH4T M4K3S M3 F33L 4 LOT L3SS CL3V3R 4LL OF 4 SUDD3N
AA: its 0k
AA: time makes f00ls 0f us all
AA: but at least y0u didnt expl0de
GC: H4H4 Y34H, 1 GU3SS
AA: s0 i sh0uld pr0bably investigate this s0me m0re
AA: we can talk ab0ut it later
AA: 0r right n0w i guess since i can time travel
GC: 1 TH1NK 1LL T4K3 4 BR34K FROM T4LK1NG 4BOUT DOOM3D T1M3L1N3S 4ND 3XPLOD1NG ROBOTS FOR NOW
AA: fair en0ugh
GC: UNL3SS YOU W4NT TO T4LK 4BOUT SOM3TH1NG 3LS3
AA: n0t really
AA: d0 y0u
GC: W3LL...
AA: is it ab0ut vriska
GC: UGH Y3S >:[
GC: 1 DONT TRUST H3R
GC: HOW C4N SOM3BODY CH4NG3 L1K3 TH4T OV3RN1GHT?
AA: shes always been easily influenced
AA: y0u kn0w that m0re than any0ne
GC: W3LL, Y34H
AA: i d0nt think she ever wanted t0 d0 any 0f the bad things she did
AA: she was just manipulated int0 d0ing them by a number 0f malefact0rs
GC: L1K3 WH1T3 T3XT GUY?
AA: am0ng 0thers
AA: but i think he was resp0nsible f0r the m0st pertinent wr0ngd0ings
AA: she w0uldnt have ch0sen t0 d0 what she did t0 y0u 0r me 0r tavr0s with0ut his influence
GC: M4YB3 NOT
GC: BUT TH4T DO3SNT JUST 4BSOLV3 H3R OF 4LL BL4M3!
AA: thats redundant
GC: WH4T
AA: abs0lve means t0 rem0ve all blame
AA: y0u d0nt have t0 say 0f blame afterwards
GC: BL4R WHO C4R3S 4BOUT TH4T!!!
AA: s0 what d0 y0u want
AA: revenge
GC: K1ND OF
GC: SOM3TH1NG MOR3 TH4N "H3Y YOUR3 4 GOOD P3RSON NOW, YOUR3 FR33 TO GO," 1N 4NY C4S3
AA: it pr0bably w0uldnt help
GC: TH4TS 34SY FOR YOU TO S4Y
GC: S1NC3 YOU 4LR34DY GOT YOURS
AA: n0t really
AA: i killed her because i had t0
AA: it was in the script
GC: YOUR3 T3LL1NG M3 YOU D1DNT G3T TH3 L34ST B1T OF S4T1SF4CT1ON OUT OF B34T1NG VR1SK4 N34RLY TO D34TH?
AA: n0
AA: i felt n0thing
AA: well
AA: there was a temp0rary rush in my blue bl00ded veins simply fr0m partaking in vi0lence
AA: but after that there was n0thing
GC: >:/
GC: HOW C4N YOU NOT B3 M4D 4T H3R?
AA: she was just playing her part
AA: like i was playing mine
AA: my death was necessary f0r the alpha timeline t0 pr0ceed
AA: as was hers
GC: 4ND YOUR3 JUST F1N3 W1TH TH4T
AA: im 0k with it
GC: W3LL YOU SHOULDNT B3!!!
GC: W1TH YOUR T1M3 POW3RS YOU C4N S33 TH3 TR1LL1ONS OF W4YS TH1NGS COULD UNFOLD
GC: BUT 1N TH3 3ND TH3R3S ONLY ON3 W4Y YOU C4N DO TH1NGS
GC: NO M4TT3R HOW SH1TTY 4ND 4WFUL 1T 1S
GC: 4ND TH4T SHOULD M4K3 YOU 4NGRY 4S H3LL!
AA: i came t0 peace with it a l0ng time ag0
AA: y0u kind 0f have t0 as a time player
GC: D1D YOU KNOW YOUD B3 TH3 T1M3 PL4Y3R?
AA: yes
AA: the v0ices t0ld me i w0uld die c0untless deaths
AA: but 0nly ever c0me back t0 life 0nce
GC: TH3Y S41D YOUD COM3 B4CK?
AA: yes
AA: but its debatable what they meant
AA: they c0uld have meant my pr0t0typing myself
AA: ribbit
AA: 0r inhabiting this r0b0t
AA: they c0uld mean s0mething else i guess
AA: but i d0nt see any 0ther revival menti0ned in the rttu
GC: HMM
GC: 1 DONT KNOW HOW 3LS3 YOU COULD COM3 B4CK
GC: BUT 1TD B3 COMPL3T3 BULLSH1T 1F VR1SK4 G3TS TO 4ND YOU DONT
AA: im 0k with it
GC: BL4R STOP S4Y1NG TH4T!!!
AA: 0_0
GC: 1TS NOT R1GHT TH4T SH3 G3TS TO L1V3 4ND YOU H4V3 TO ST4Y D34D!
GC: 3SP3C14LLY WH3N SH3S TH3 ON3 WHO K1LL3D YOU!
AA: s0 what
AA: w0uld it be better if she was dead t00
GC: K1ND OF >:/
AA: l00k
AA: terezi
AA: revenge is a l0sers game
AA: the l0ser gets hurt
AA: and the winner gets n0thing
GC: ...
AA: if y0u really want t0 get back at her
AA: maybe y0u sh0uld play an0ther game entirely
GC: >:?
GC: L1K3 WH4T?
AA: i d0nt kn0w
AA: im n0t even sure what that means
AA: it just seemed like a g00d thing t0 say
GC: HRM
GC: W3LL
GC: WH4T3V3R
AA: d0 y0u n0t want t0 talk ab0ut this anym0re
GC: NOT R34LLY
AA: 0k
AA: well
AA: thanks f0r talking t0 me terezi
AA: it was actually really helpful
GC: H3Y, NO PROBL3M >:]
GC: NO OFF3NS3, BUT 1T S33MS L1K3 NOBODY 3LS3 3V3R T4LKS TO YOU
AA: n0 y0ure right
AA: i think m0st pe0ple find me mildly 0ffputting 0_0
GC: W3LL, YOU K1ND OF 4R3
GC: BUT H3Y, 1 4M TOO!
GC: W3 C4N B3 M1LDLY OFFPUTT1NG TOG3TH3R
GC: H3H3H3H3H3H3H3 >:D
AA: ha yeah
AA: s0
AA: can we talk m0re later
GC: OF COURS3!
GC: 1 4LW4YS LOOK FORW4RD TO T4ST1NG MOR3 OF YOUR D3L1C1OUSLY R1CH M4ROON T3XT
AA: i th0ught y0u liked bright red better
GC: OH 1 DO, BUT M4ROON 1S GOOD TOO
GC: 1TS SO D33P 4ND D3C4DENT, L1K3 D4RK CHOCOL4T3, OR MOL4SS3S
GC: >:]
AA: ha
AA: i wish i had a smiling em0tic0n i c0uld type
AA: 0u0
AA: n0 that l00ks stupid
GC: H3H3H3 Y34H 1T K1ND OF DO3S
AA: 0h well
AA: well
AA: ill talk t0 y0u later i guess
AA: th0ugh i guess itll be different laters f0r b0th 0f us
GC: H4H4 WH4T3V3R >:P
GC: GOOD LUCK W1TH YOUR 1NV3ST1G4T1ON
AA: thanks
AA: 0k bye
GC: BY3 4R4D14

apocalypseArisen [AA] ceased trolling gallowsCalibrator [GC].

***

arachnidsGrip [AG] began trolling adiosToreador [AT].

AG: Tavros, we've got kind of a pro8lem here.
AT: oH, uH, vRISKA,
AT: wHAT'S THE PROBLEM, eXACTLY,
AT: dID YOU ALCHEMIZE SOMETHING HIGHLY EXPLOSIVE AGAIN,
AT: bECAUSE IF IT'S THAT, yOU SHOULD PROBABLY TALK TO kANAYA,
AG: Noooooooo, it's not anything stupid like that!!!!!!!!
AG: It's........ kind of em8arrassing, actually.
AG: And I pro8a8ly should have 8rought it up during the feelings jam, 8ut I was afraid to talk a8out it face to face.
AT: wOW, tHIS SOUNDS KIND OF SERIOUS,
AT: wHAT IS IT,
AG: Well........
AG: You remem8er how a few days ago, during the sneaky romance am8ush, I was talking a8out how I was trying to m8ke you stronger so you'd 8e good enough to 8e my m8sprit?
AT: uH, yEAH, bUT,
AT: uH,
AT: wAIT, yOU DON'T MEAN,
AG: Weeeeeeeeell........
AT: oH,
AT: oH WOW,
AG: W8, just hear me out for a second, okay????????
AG: I mean, as it turns out, 8ecoming your moirail has 8een INCREDI8LY effective at m8king you a stronger, cooler, MUCH more attractive guy.
AG: And that silly little flushcrush I used to have on you is starting to act up again in a really 8ig way.
AG: 8ut the thing is, I'm happy with Kanaya!
AG: I mean, I'm reeeeeeeeally happy with Kanaya!
AG: And I'm really afraid all these feelings I'm having are going to cause pro8lems 8etween us somewhere down the line.
AT: yES, i CAN SEE WHY THIS WOULD CAUSE PROBLEMS,
AT: aND, tO TELL THE TRUTH,
AT: sINCE WE BECAME MOIRAILS, yOU'VE BECOME MUCH NICER, aND COOLER,
AT: aND i COULD SEE MYSELF, uH, rECIPROCATING,
AT: i MEAN, aSSUMING, fOR SOME TERRIBLE REASON, wE STOPPED BEING MOIRAILS,
AG: See, that's the other thing!
AG: I really love 8eing your moirail, too!
AG: And while I'd pro8a8ly like 8eing your m8sprit, I don't really want to give up on our moirallegiance!
AG: So 8etween that and Kanaya, it's really stressing me out.
AG: Uuuuuuuugh, this is so em8arrassing to talk a8out!!!!!!!!
AG: I'm 8lushing so hard right now, I'm afraid one of these 8ite marks on my neck is gonna 8urst open and start spraying cerulean all over the place.
AT: hAHA, vRISKA, iT'S OKAY, i UNDERSTAND,
AT: i APPRECIATE YOUR BEING FORTHCOMING ABOUT THIS,
AT: aND i REALLY LIKE BEING YOUR MOIRAIL, tOO,
AT: aND i DON'T WANT kANAYA TO GET HURT EITHER,
AT: sO i THINK IT'S A REAL PROBLEM,
AG: See! Look at that!
AG: Look at that whole 8rown 8lock of text right there!
AG: That's you 8eing an AWESOME fucking moirail!!!!!!!!
AG: I must have 8lown all my luck to get a palem8 like you, and that's why I was unlucky enough to 8uild up this stupid flushcrush!
AT: wOW, vRISKA, yOU'RE REALLY FLATTERING ME HERE,
AT: i MEAN, yOU'RE A REALLY GOOD MOIRAIL, tOO,
AT: eVEN THOUGH WE'VE ONLY BEEN MOIRAILS FOR, lIKE, a DAY OR TWO,
AT: yOU'VE ALREADY HELPED ME A LOT,
AT: sO DON'T THINK YOU DON'T DESERVE ME, oR SOMETHING LIKE THAT,
AG: Man, Tavros! You're so smooooooooth!
AG: You're giving a lady the pale vapors here!!!!!!!!
AT: oKAY, sERIOUSLY, stOP,
AT: i AM NOW ALSO BLUSHING, bECAUSE OF HOW SILLY YOU'RE BEING,
AT: sO WE ARE BOTH GREAT, aND THAT IS THAT, eND OF DISCUSSION,
AG: Okay okay, fine.
AG: We are 8oth pretty gr8.
AG: I'm sorry, I'm 8eing ridiculous a8out this whole thing.
AT: vRISKA, yOU'RE NOT BEING RIDICULOUS,
AT: iT'S A LEGITIMATE CONCERN,
AT: aND FRANKLY, i'M NOT REALLY SURE WHAT TO DO ABOUT IT,
AG: Weeeeeeeell........
AG: I can think of ONE thing we could do a8out it........
AT: wHAT'S THAT,
AG: We could find you a m8sprit!!!!!!!!
AT: oH, uH,
AT: i GUESS, wE COULD DO THAT,
AG: Well, think a8out it!
AG: If you had a m8sprit, there'd 8e a lot less tempt8ion for 8oth of us!
AG: And I wouldn't feel so 8ad a8out 8la88ing to you a8out Kanaya this and Kanaya that all the time.
AT: wELL, yEAH, bUT,
AT: wHO WOULD WANT ME, aS THEIR MATESPRIT,
AG: Tavros, you are a cool, strong, handsome, confident guy, and any8ody would 8e lucky to have you as their m8sprit!!!!!!!!
AG: You could have practically any8ody you wanted!
AG: Hell, you could even have me! 8ut o8viously we're trying our 8est to avoid that for now.
AG: So really, the question is, who do YOU want as your m8sprit????????
AT: wOW, i DON'T KNOW,
AT: i HAVEN'T REALLY ABOUT THIS ALL THAT MUCH,
AT: aND BY THAT, i MEAN, aT ALL,
AG: Okay, well, how a8out I throw out some suggestions, and you just tell me what you think of them?
AT: wAIT, aRE YOU,
AT: sHIPPING ME,
AG: I sure am!!!!!!!! ::::D
AG: Who says Nepeta's the only one who gets to ship people?
AT: wELL, oKAY, gO AHEAD,
AG: Alright, what a8out Feferi?
AG: I just recently started talking with her, and it turns out she's actually pretty cool!
AT: oH, wOW, fEFERI,
AT: sHE SEEMS REALLY NICE, i GUESS, bUT,
AT: i DON'T REALLY KNOW HER ALL THAT WELL,
AT: aND ISN'T SHE WITH sOLLUX, oR SOMETHING,
AG: Man, who cares a8out Sollux!!!!!!!! He's just a 8ig dork.
AG: And he's not even a cool dork, like you, he's just a 8ig douchey whiny idi8 dork.
AG: Man!!!!!!!! I don't know what it is a8out that guy, 8ut even thinking a8out him gets me steamed.
AT: uH, i SHOULD PROBABLY ASK,
AT: wHAT'S GOING ON BETWEEN YOU TWO,
AG: What's going on is that he's a stu88orn asshole and isn't even willing to give me a chance!!!!!!!!
AT: yOU KNOW, yOU NEVER DID APOLOGIZE TO HIM,
AT: i MEAN, tECHNICALLY, yOU HURT HIM TOO,
AG: Man, whatever!!!!!!!! I didn't do a thing to him!!!!!!!!
AT: vRISKA,
AG: Okay, okay, fine, so I did.
AG: 8ut may8e I just don't want to apologize to him 8ecause he's stupid smug piece of shit!!!!!!!!
AT: vRISKA, i REALIZE THIS IS WHOLE ENTANGLEMENT IS,
AT: sOMETHING i, dON'T REALLY HAVE MUCH EXPERIENCE WITH,
AT: bUT YOU SHOULD PROBABLY, aPOLOGIZE TO HIM ANYWAY,
AG: Yeah, yeah, I know I should.
AG: And I pro8a8ly will at some point.
AG: If he's even fucking willing to hear me out.
AG: Which he pro8a8ly won't 8e, 8ecause he's such a sanctimonious self-a8sor8ed fuckhead!!!!!!!!
AT: yES, yOU'VE MADE YOUR OPINION QUITE CLEAR,
AG: Hey, we totally got off-topic here!
AG: We were suppoooooooosed to 8e talking a8out you and Feferi!
AT: wELL, i THINK, gIVEN MY RELATIONSHIP WITH YOU,
AT: aND THE WHOLE sOLLUX THING,
AT: iT PROBABLY WOULDN'T WORK OUT,
AG: Ugh, yeah, you're pro8a8ly right.
AG: I guess that rules out Terezi too, huh?
AT: mOST LIKELY, yEAH,
AG: Man, Tavros, don't let me sink aaaaaaaall your ships!!!!!!!!
AT: iT'S FINE, rEALLY,
AT: jUST TRY TO THINK OF SOMEONE,
AT: yOU HAVEN'T COMPLETELY ALIENATED,
AG: Tavros, that really isn't as easy as it sounds!!!!!!!!
AG: 8ut fine, I'll try to think of some8ody else.
AG: Hey, what a8out Nepeta!
AG: Man, you two would 8e soooooooo adora8le together!!!!!!!!
AG: Oh dear, I can't decide if this mental image percolating here is cute as shit or hot as fuck........
AT: uHHH,
AG: Okay, that was lascivious to a completely unaccepta8le extent.
AT: kIND OF, yEAH,
AT: bUT ANYWAY, nEPETA IS COOL, i GUESS,
AT: bUT i MEAN, wE'VE BEEN ACQUAINTANCES FOR A WHILE,
AT: aND i THINK, iF SHE WERE INTERESTED IN ME LIKE THAT, sHE'D HAVE SAID SOMETHING BY NOW,
AT: i MEAN, sHE'S BEEN FRIENDLY WITH ME, bUT,
AT: wELL, sHE'S FRIENDLY WITH EVERYONE,
AT: aND ALSO, hER MOIRAIL REALLY DOESN'T LIKE ME FOR SOME REASON,
AT: i'M NOT REALLY SURE WHY,
AG: What, Equius? That's just him 8eing a huge tool, as usual.
AG: Pro8a8ly doesn't like you 8ecause you're a "mud8100d" or something ridiculous like that.
AT: nO, i THOUGHT IT MIGHT BE THAT, bUT,
AT: iT'S LIKE, hE GETS REALLY DISGUSTED, wHENEVER i MENTION nEPETA, sPECIFICALLY,
AT: i DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS,
AG: Equius Zahhak is truly a riddle, wrapped in an enigma, wrapped in an eight-inch thick layer of oh my god who gives a shit a8out this guy.
AG: So is that a no on Nepeta?
AT: i GUESS, fOR NOW,
AG: God, Tavros, you're killing me here!!!!!!!!
AG: Shipping is a lot harder work than Nepeta m8kes it out to 8e.
AT: sORRY,
AG: No no no, it's fine. May8e I'm just approaching it the wrong way.
AG: Let's try this from the other way. Mo8ius dou8le reacharound style.
AG: Has any8ody ever expressed interest in 8eing YOUR m8sprit????????
AG: 8esides me, o8viously.
AT: uH, nO,
AT: nOT THAT i CAN THINK OF,
AT: wELL, eXCEPT,
AT: uH,
AG: Who????????
AT: wELL, uH,
AT: bEFORE i BROUGHT HIM INTO THE GAME,
AT: gAMZEE, uH,
AT: pROPOSITIONED ME,
AG: Oh.
AG: Gamzee.
AT: yEAH,
AG: Well hey! What do you think of him?
AT: i DON'T KNOW,
AT: i MEAN, wE'VE BEEN GOOD BROS FOR A WHILE,
AT: aND WE HAVE A FEW THINGS IN COMMON,
AT: lIKE, fOR EXAMPLE, wE BOTH LIKE SLAM POETRY,
AT: aND HE'S ALWAYS BEEN REALLY NICE TO ME,
AT: bUT i NEVER REALLY THOUGHT OF HIM LIKE THAT,
AG: Well, now's your chance!
AG: What do you think of him like that?
AT: wOW, tHIS IS KIND OF EMBARASSING, tO TALK ABOUT,
AT: i MEAN, iF i WAS ACTUALLY CONSIDERING gAMZEE,
AT: aS A, uH, pOTENTIAL MATEPSRIT,
AT: wOULD YOU THINK IT WAS RIDICULOUS,
AG: Of coooooooourse I wouldn't think it was ridiculous, Tavros!
AG: If you think you'd 8e happy with him, that's all that matters!
AG: I wouldn't think you were ridiculous even if you thought you'd 8e happy with someone like Equius.
AG: Or Sollux.
AG: Or Eridan.
AG: Or Karkat.
AG: Man, I just named four assholes off the top of my head, and they were all 8oys!!!!!!!!
AG: I'm starting to think girls might 8e the fairer sex after all.
AG: Suddenly reeeeeeeeally glad I had an in with Kanaya.
AG: 8ut seriously, Tavros, I won't judge you one way or the other.
AT: oK, wELL,
AT: i'M ACTUALLY, uH, tHINKING ABOUT IT, rIGHT NOW,
AT: aND i GUESS, i THINK,
AT: i WOULD BE OKAY WITH, bEING HIS MATESPRIT,
AG: You'd 8e "okay" with it?
AT: wELL, i DON'T KNOW, i MEAN,
AG: Tavros, cut the crap here, okay?
AG: Do you like Gamzee or not?
AT: wELL, yEAH,
AG: Okay, do you like him enough to 8e his m8sprit?
AT: yEAH, i GUESS,
AG: Tavros, stop guessing and give me a str8 answer!!!!!!!!
AT: oKAY, oKAY, yES,
AT: i LIKE HIM ENOUGH FOR THAT,
AG: So do you WANT to 8e his m8sprit????????
AT: uH, wELL,
AG: Stop thinking a8out it and just answer it!!!!!!!!
AG: Yes or no!!!!!!!!
AT: yES,
AT: oH, wOW, oKAY,
AG: Really?
AT: yES, i'M COMPLETELY CERTAIN OF THAT SUDDENLY,
AG: No 8acksies?
AT: nO BACKSIES,
AG: Well, that's gr8!!!!!!!!
AG: You should totally go for it!!!!!!!!
AT: uH, wHAT DO YOU MEAN,
AG: I mean ask him to be your m8sprit!
AG: He pro8a8ly still feels the same way a8out you, right?
AT: wELL, tHAT'S THE THING,
AT: wHEN HE ASKED ME, i, uH,
AT: i DIDN'T HANDLE IT VERY WELL,
AT: aND i'M AFRAID, i MIGHT HAVE HURT HIS FEELINGS,
AG: Well, what'd you say?
AT: uH, nOTHING,
AT: i JUST SORT OF, sAT THERE,
AT: nOT SAYING ANYTHING,
AG: Well, THAT'S a surprise.
AT: vRISKA,
AG: Yeah, okay, that was mean, sorry.
AT: wELL, i MEAN,
AT: i PROBABLY SHOULD'VE SAID SOMETHING,
AG: Ugh, who cares a8out what you should've done?
AG: Just do something now! Ask him out!
AG: I mean, he still seemed pretty friendly towards you on that last memo, so it's not like he h8es you or anything!
AT: yOU REALLY THINK SO,
AG: Tavros, I'm a8solutely certain of it.
AG: So just go talk to him a8out it!!!!!!!!
AT: vRISKA, i'M NOT SURE IF i CAN JUST,
AT: gO TALK TO HIM ABOUT IT, oUT OF NOWHERE,
AG: Oh, come oooooooon!!!!!!!!
AG: You o8viously like him, and he o8viously likes you, so just go talk to him!!!!!!!!
AT: yOU'RE PROBABLY RIGHT, BUT,
AT: iT JUST,
AT: iT SEEMS SO SUDDEN,
AG: Tavros, stop 8eing such a wiggler and just do it!!!!!!!!
AT: oKAY, sERIOUSLY, vRISKA,
AT: i'M NOT READY FOR THIS,
AT: sO PLEASE JUST STOP,
AG: Okay, okay, fine.
AG: I won't force you to do anything you're not ready to do.
AG: 8ut you 8etter get ready to go talk to him!
AG: 8ecause the time's gonna come when you're gonna have to, and you 8etter 8elieve it'll 8e sooner rather than l8er!
AT: wELL, i GUESS i COULD,
AT: tHINK OF WHAT i'LL SAY,
AT: iN THE NEAR FUTURE, aPPARENTLY,
AT: iT'S JUST, iT'S KIND OF INTIMIDATING,
AT: sO, sORRY ABOUT BEING SO, uH,
AT: nERVOUS ABOUT THIS,
AG: Tavros, it's fine, I get it.
AG: Well, kind of. Second-hand, as it were.
AG: Not that it's something I've had a pro8lem with personally.
AG: Well, w8, may8e that's not entirely true........
AG: Oh, whatever, I'm getting off the point here!!!!!!!!
AG: The point is, I get why you wouldn't want to rush into something like this, so just t8ke as much time as you feel like you need.
AG: Then try to t8ke a little less than that.
AT: hAHA, oKAY,
AT: tHANKS, vRISKA,
AT: yOU REALLY ARE A GOOD MOIRAIL,
AG: Hey, I just learned from the 8est!
AT: pFFF, wHATEVER,
AT: nOW YOU'RE JUST FLATTERING ME,
AG: No, seriously! 8efore we got together, I didn't know the first thing a8out 8eing a moirail.
AG: Everything I knew, I picked up from Kanaya, and it's 8ecoming increasingly o8vious that she was never quite the palest of palem8es.
AG: Not that I'm mad or anything. I wouldn't trade our time together for anything in the world.
AG: Except may8e a chance to 8e m8sprits sooner.
AG: I mean, o8viously that'd 8e prefera8le to our moirallegiance-8ut-not-quite and all the frustr8ing 8ullshit it entailed.
AT: vRISKA, yOU'RE RAMBLING,
AG: Oh god, I am, aren't I?
AG: Just another 8ad ha8it I'm picking up from Kanaya.
AG: God damn you, Kanaya!!!!!!!!
AT: hAHAHA, yES,
AT: sHE'S SUNK HER TEETH INTO YOU QUITE EFFECTIVELY,
AG: Oh man, tell me a8out it.
AG: She's sunk her teeth into me more times than I can count.
AG: And I wouldn't have it any other way <33333333
AT: uH,
AG: W8, you meant that metaphorically, didn't you?
AT: yES,
AG: Well, yeah, I mean, she's done that, too.
AT: oKAY, i THINK,
AT: tHIS CONVERSATION NEEDS TO END NOW,
AG: Hahahahahahahaha, fair enough.
AG: All told, though, it was incredi8ly productive!
AG: I got this 8ig em8arrassing issue off my chest, and we agreed on a way to possi8ly allevi8 it!
AG: Just two of the palest of palem8es, doing their moiraily thing!
AT: yES, iT WAS VERY HELPFUL,
AT: fOR BOTH OF US, eVEN,
AG: Yes it was!!!!!!!!
AG: 8ut really, Tavros, I'm sorry for 8eing so ridiculous a8out this.
AT: vRISKA, iT'S FINE, rEALLY,
AT: iF ANYTHING, i'M THE ONE WHO SHOULD BE APOLOGIZING,
AT: fOR BEING SO HANDSOME AND ATTRACTIVE,
AG: Tavros, you don't have to apologize for........
AG: W8, was that sarcasm????????
AT: oH YES,
AT: sARCASM WAS MOST CERTAINLY THE THING THAT THAT WAS, }:D
AG: Wow, that's awesome!!!!!!!!! I didn't know you had it in you!!!!!!!!
AT: wELL, oF COURSE,
AT: sARCASM IS PRETTY MUCH,
AT: tHE HALLMARK OF COOL, cONFIDENT GUYS,
AG: Uhhhhhhhh........
AG: I don't know if that's completely true........
AG: 8ut whatever! It's good anyway!
AT: sO ANYWAY, i GUESS WE'RE DONE HERE,
AG: Yeah, pretty much!
AG: 8ut remem8er, Tavros, you have to think a8out what you're going to say to Gamzee!
AG: So think a8out it!!!!!!!!
AT: yES, oF COURSE,
AT: i'LL GET ON THAT RIGHT AWAY,
AT: hMMM, mAYBE i'LL EVEN WRITE A POEM, oR SOMETHING,
AG: What, like a sonnet?
AT: nO, acTUALLY, iT WOULD BE, uH,
AT: a SLAM POEM,
AG: ........
AT: iT'S KIND OF A THING, wITH US,
AG: ........Okaaaaaaaay, you just go ahead and do that.
AG: I'm gonna go hang out with Kanaya.
AT: gREAT, sOUNDS LIKE A PLAN,
AG: Okay, 8ye, Tavros!!!!!!!!
AG: <>
AT: rIGHT, bYE,
AT: <>

arachnidsGrip [AG] ceased trolling adiosToreador [AT].

***

centaursTesticle [CT] began trolling grimAuxiliatrix [GA].

CT: D --> E%cuse me, jadeb100d
CT: D --> Wait, I mean
CT: D --> Kanaya
GA: Oh Uh Equius
GA: You Havent By Any Chance Been Uh
GA: Monitoring The Activities In My Hive In The Past Few Days Have You
CT: D --> No
CT: D --> If this is about the cer001ean b100d
CT: D --> I wasn't even aware of your union until just recently
CT: D --> And since then I have been careful to be respe%ful of your privacy
GA: Oh Okay
GA: Well Thank You Equius
CT: D --> Of course
GA: So Anyway
GA: What Did You Wish To Discuss
CT: D --> Oh, nothing in particular
CT: D --> I was simply 100king to indulge sort of meandering conversation that is occasionally enjoyed by acquaintances
CT: D --> In fact, I order you to engage me in such a di%ussion
CT: D --> I mean, if that's ok with you
GA: You Realize How Pointless It Is To Issue A Command And Then Ask Me Whether Or Not Its Okay For You To Issue It Right
CT: D --> Of course I do
CT: D --> But as your superior, it is my e%c100sive responsibility to give you orders
CT: D --> But I respe% you enough that I do not wish to give you an order you are uncomfortable with
GA: Okay Look
GA: Lets Just Say From Now On
GA: Whenever You Ask Me For Something Like A Normal Troll Well Both Assume Youre Issuing Me An Order With A Trivially Met Escape Clause
GA: And Likewise Whenever I Ask You For Something Well Both Assume Im Simply Making A Humble Request As Your Inferior That Is By No Means Binding In Any Way Whatsoever
GA: Does That Sound Acceptable To You
CT: D --> Well
CT: D --> I suppose it would greatly simplify things
CT: D --> Very well, I'll do that from now on
CT: D --> And I order you to do the same
CT: D --> I mean, if that's ok with you
GA: If It Means Youll Never Say That Again Then A Thousand Times Yes
CT: D --> Very well
CT: D --> These assumptions will be implicit for the foreseeable future
CT: D --> So
CT: D --> Can we just talk now
GA: That Would Be Okay With Me
CT: D --> E%cellent
GA: Was There Any Topic You Wished To Start With
CT: D --> Well, I suppose I should start with a statement
CT: D --> That is
CT: D --> I'm e%tremely happy for you for finding a matesprit
GA: Well Thank You Equius
GA: Your Happiness For Me Is Greatly Appreciated
GA: But Nonetheless It Cannot Hope To Match The Happiness Im Feeling For Finally Being Able To Be In A Matespritship With Vriska
CT: D --> Well, of horse
GA: Uh
GA: Horse
CT: D --> I mean course
CT: D --> It was a pun, I'm sorry
GA: Equius Its Okay To Make Puns
CT: D --> Thank you
CT: D --> Having your e%press consent is certainly to my behoof
GA: Hahaha Okay
CT: D --> In any case
CT: D --> It sounds like you love her a great deal
GA: Oh Yes
GA: There Are Just So Many Things I Love About Her That Its Almost Impossible For Me To List Them All
CT: D --> Well, you're free to try
GA: Really
CT: D --> Yes, please
GA: Okay
GA: I Love The Sound Of Her Voice When She Speaks Without Pretense
GA: And I Love The Way She Smiles When She Does So Earnestly
GA: And I Love That I Can Make Her Laugh And Smile And Speak To Me So Sweetly Simply By Being Myself Without Even Having To Try
GA: And I Love That When Im With Her She Seems To Become A Different Person
GA: Not A Better Person But Perhaps A More Loveable Person
GA: And I Love That When Were Alone Together She Utterly Submits Herself To Me And I Utterly Devote Myself To Her And We Almost Seem To Become A Single Consciousness Sharing Two Bodies
GA: And Im Really Revealing Entirely Too Much Here Arent I
CT: D --> No, it's ok
CT: D --> I envy you, a%ually
CT: D --> I wish I could find someone who loved me as deeply as it 100ks like you love her
GA: Im Sorry Equius
GA: Are Things Going Poorly Between You And Aradia
CT: D --> Well
CT: D --> They're going about as well as could be e%pected
CT: D --> No, a%ually, they're even worse than that
GA: Haha
CT: D --> What
GA: Im Sorry
GA: I Just Think Its Funny How The Simple Addition Of The Word Even Completely Changes The Meaning Of The Previous Sentence
CT: D --> Oh
CT: D --> Yes, I suppose so
CT: D --> Ha
GA: Well What In Particular Is Causing Problems Between You
CT: D --> I'm not tr001y certain
CT: D --> In truth, our relationship has always been strained
CT: D --> I've come to e%pect her to be distant and a100f with me
CT: D --> But recently she has been even more so than usual
GA: She Seemed To Be Expressing Concern Over Some Sort Of Metaphysical Spacetime Quandary In A Recent Memo
GA: Perhaps That Is The Root Of The Problem
CT: D --> Possibly
CT: D --> But I think it has simply e%acerbated an e%isting animosity
CT: D --> My moirail recently suggested she would rather be my kismesis than my matesprit
CT: D --> And I'm afraid she may be corre% in that conc100sion
GA: Im Very Sorry To Hear That Equius
GA: But You Know Nepeta Helped Me A Great Deal With My Own Matesprit
GA: Shes Surprisingly Adept At Dealing With Relationship Issues
GA: Have You Considered Asking Her For Assistance With Your Difficulties With Aradia
CT: D --> Er
CT: D --> No
CT: D --> She a%ually disapproves of our relationship
CT: D --> She says it's
CT: D --> Creepy
CT: D --> And also
CT: D --> Weird
GA: Oh
GA: Well
GA: It Kind Of Is
CT: D --> Uh
CT: D --> Is it
GA: Well Its Just
GA: The Whole Making Her A Robot Body Filled With Your Own Blood Thing Is A Little Unsettling
GA: Wait I Forget Is It Your Own Blood Or That Of Another Presumably Dead Blueblood
CT: D --> Er
CT: D --> Is one worse than the other
GA: I Think One Of Them Is Yes
GA: But Only A Little
CT: D --> So
CT: D --> The answer doesn't a%ually matter
CT: D --> Does it
GA: No Not Really
CT: D --> Hrm
GA: Forgive Me If This Is Rude Of Me To Ask But
GA: Do You Actually Love Her
CT: D --> Well
CT: D --> I did
CT: D --> When she was alive, she was the pinnacle of grace and beauty
CT: D --> And though she was a mere rustb100d, I could not help but find myself smitten
CT: D --> But now, it seems like she has
CT: D --> Changed
CT: D --> I mean, the physical attra%ion still e%ists
CT: D --> But she has become cold and unemotional
CT: D --> And violent
CT: D --> A more fitting personality for a b100b100d, I suppose
CT: D --> And yet
CT: D --> It's just not the same
GA: Oh Wow
CT: D --> I'm sorry, this line of di%ussion is completely inappropriate
CT: D --> I should be telling this to my moirail
CT: D --> But
CT: D --> I can't, for some reason
GA: Its Okay I Understand
GA: It Sounds Strange But I Think A Moirail Can Be So Close That There Are Things Its Almost Impossible To Tell Them
GA: Please Dont Think Of This As Pale Infidelity Or Anything Like That
CT: D --> Yes, of course
CT: D --> There's nothing pale about this
CT: D --> You're simply acting as a
CT: D --> Confidant
GA: Sure Lets Go With That
CT: D --> Ok
GA: Though I Should Probably Confess To You
GA: A Few Days Ago I Had A Conversation With Nepeta Regarding My Feelings About Vriska And I May Have Um
GA: Confided In Her As Well
GA: And She Responded In A Way That In Retrospect Seems Very
GA: Uh
GA: Supportive
CT: D --> I know
CT: D --> She told me about it
GA: Oh
GA: So You Dont Have A Problem With That
CT: D --> It's simply her way of helping the team
CT: D --> She assured me she's not 100king for another moirail
CT: D --> And I believe her
GA: Well Thank Goodness
GA: Im Glad You Dont Think Im Trying To Steal Her Away From You Or Something Nonsensical Like That
CT: D --> Of horse not
CT: D --> The mare thought is 100dicrous
CT: D --> And it behooves us both to put it out to pasture
GA: Haha Okay
GA: Well
GA: If Youll Forgive My Perhaps Uncharacteristic Boldness In Asking Such A Personal Question
GA: Is There Anyone Else Youve Considered For Your Flushed Quadrant
CT: D --> Er
CT: D --> Kind of
GA: Kind Of
GA: ?
CT: D --> Well
CT: D --> The only other troll I've seriously considered is
CT: D --> The indigo b100d
GA: Oh
GA: Gamzee
CT: D --> Yes
GA: Well
GA: What Do You Like About Him
CT: D --> Abso100tely nothing
CT: D --> In fact, I despise him in almost every way
CT: D --> The only reason I considered it is because he is my only e%isting superior on the hemospe%rum
GA: Equius
GA: I Mean No Offense To You Personally When I Say This
GA: But That Is Quite Possibly The Absolute Worst Reason For Wanting To Be Someones Matesprit Ive Ever Heard
CT: D --> Yes
CT: D --> Nepeta e%pressed a similar opinion
CT: D --> Naturally, it's another idea she considers cr33py
CT: D --> I mean creepy
GA: Well
GA: Are There Any Ideas She Doesnt Consider Creepy
CT: D --> She did make a few suggestions of her own
CT: D --> For e%ample, before your e%isting entanglement with the cer001ean b100d, she would have suggested you for my flushed quadrant
GA: Oh
GA: Uh
GA: Really
CT: D --> Does that strike you as 100dicrous
GA: Well
GA: I Hadnt Even Thought About It Before
GA: I Mean The Thought Literally Never Crossed My Mind
CT: D --> Well, Serket's intervention has neatly prec100ded it
CT: D --> So there's little point in reaching a conc100sion on it now
GA: Yes I Suppose So
GA: Well Did She Have Any Other Suggestions
CT: D --> Er
CT: D --> Yes
CT: D --> But it's a little
CT: D --> Pec001iar
GA: It Cant Be That Unusual
GA: Unless She Suggested Someone Like Tavros
CT: D --> Hrk
CT: D --> Could you
CT: D --> Please refrain from suggesting any sort of relation between me and the mudb100d in the future
GA: Um Okay
CT: D --> I mean
CT: D --> The mere idea is abso100tely 100dicrous
CT: D --> And it tr001y perple%es me how the thought keeps resurfacing
CT: D --> It just causes me to
CT: D --> Perspire
GA: Yes Of Course How Thoughtless Of Me
GA: It Was Never My Intention To Force You To Sully Your Rapidly Dwindling Supply Of Fresh Towels
GA: I Shall Do My Best To Avoid Implying Feelings Of Any Sort Between You And Mister Nitram In The Future
CT: D --> Thank you
CT: D --> I simply find him
CT: D --> Particularly offensive for some reason
GA: Nonetheless Weve Gotten Off Topic Here
GA: What Was This Strange Suggestion That Nepeta Offered For Your Matesprit
CT: D --> Well, it was
CT: D --> Uh
CT: D --> The heiress
GA: Oh
GA: Feferi
GA: Okay That Actually Is Kind Of Unusual
CT: D --> My sentiments e%actly
GA: Well I Mean Its Unusual
GA: But Its Not Completely Ridiculous
CT: D --> What
CT: D --> No, it is completely ridiculous
CT: D --> She is a seadweller
CT: D --> The feud between landdwellers and her kind is ancient and well-recorded
CT: D --> It would be abso100tely una%eptable for us to enter any sort of amicable relationship
CT: D --> But at the same time
CT: D --> She is the heiress apparent to the imperial throne
CT: D --> She stands to become r001er of the entirety of the Alternian Empire
CT: D --> Her royal tyrian b100d places her at the top of the hemospe%rum, the very ape% of society
CT: D --> That she would ever deign to a%ept the hand of a meager b100b100d in matespritship is unthinkable
CT: D --> The thought of being her matesprit strikes me as simultaneously completely disgusting and abso100tely terrifying
CT: D --> And the two feelings combine into something strangely
CT: D --> E%citing
GA: Ha
CT: D --> What
GA: Sorry Its Just Funny That You Used That Particular Word
GA: Anyway Equius I Think Youre Seriously Overthinking This
CT: D --> How so
GA: Well You Keep Making All These Judgments Based On What Society Would Think
GA: When Society Has Been Reduced To Exactly Twelve Trolls Of Which I Think Youre The Only One That Actually Cares About Things Like This
GA: Besides You The Only Troll I Can Think Of That Grants The Hemospectrum Or Ancient Feuds Any Credibility Whatsoever Is Eridan
GA: And Really I Think He Was Only Humoring Them To Serve His Own Ends
GA: Judging By The Most Recent Memo It Seems Even He Has Discarded Them Because They Now Conflict With His Own Bottom Line
CT: D --> So
CT: D --> You're saying it would be to my behoof to follow the seadweller's e%ample
GA: Essentially Yes
CT: D --> That is
CT: D --> Uniquely depressing
GA: Okay I Can Certainly Understand You Feeling That Way
GA: But You Should Probably Know That The Young Miss Peixes Cares Little For These Traditions And In Fact Actively Despises Them
CT: D --> What
GA: Oh Yes She Holds A Great Deal Of Contempt For The Hemospectrum And All The Social Stratification That Results Directly From It
GA: And Even Before The Game Began She Held Onto The Idealistic Notion Of Uniting The Two Races Of Trollkind In Peace And Harmony
CT: D --> I
CT: D --> Seriously
GA: Yes
CT: D --> So
CT: D --> In the abso100tely absurd scenario that I were to attempt to court her
CT: D --> She would not see me as a b100b100d
CT: D --> But as simply
CT: D --> A troll
GA: Most Likely Yes
CT: D --> Well that's
CT: D --> A%ually terrible
GA: What Exactly Is Terrible About That
CT: D --> I had thought my status as a b100b100d may confer me some sort of advantage
CT: D --> But with that fa%or e%cluded, I can see little else I could offer over the eight other eligible trolls
GA: Equius Youre Really Not Giving Yourself Enough Credit Here
GA: I Mean Youre Not A Bad Person
GA: Its Just
GA: Okay I Want To Pay You A Compliment Here
GA: But Its Going To Be More Than A Little Backhanded And It Also Has A Dirty Word In It
GA: Is That Okay
CT: D --> Yes, go ahead
GA: Okay
GA: The Thing Is
GA: Youre Actually A Pretty Likeable Guy When Youre Not Being A Pretentious Classist Asshole
CT: D --> Oh wow, ok
GA: Youve Been Thankfully Sparing With The Condescending Hemospectrum Talk In Your Conversations With Me
GA: And For The Most Part Ive Actually Genuinely Enjoyed Talking To You
GA: I Mean You Have Some Backwards Views And Some Unsavory Habits
GA: But Putting All That Aside I Honestly Find You To Be An Incredibly Kind And Considerate And Gentle Person
GA: And I Might Even Consider You My Friend If You Would Let Me
CT: D --> A friend
CT: D --> Really
GA: Yes Really
CT: D --> Kanaya, I
CT: D --> I don't know what to say
CT: D --> E%cept that
CT: D --> I'm honored that you would consider me your friend
GA: Equius Its Not That Big A Deal Really
CT: D --> I suddenly require a towel
CT: D --> To wipe away all these tears
GA: Um
GA: Okay I Cant Tell If That Was A Sincere Statement Or A Joke
CT: D --> The statement itself is 100% fa%ual
CT: D --> But nonetheless, I found the sentiment humorous
CT: D --> So really, it's both
CT: D --> You are free to laugh
GA: Hahaha Okay
GA: See Thats Another Thing Equius
GA: You Actually Have A Sense Of Humor Which Is Something I Think Most Of The Others Dont Even Realize About You
GA: If You Werent Always Putting On These Airs Of Superiority I Honestly Think Most Of Us Would Actually Like You
CT: D --> You tr001y believe so
GA: Equius Im Completely Certain Of It
CT: D --> Well
CT: D --> Perhaps you're right
CT: D --> Nepeta has e%pressed similar views on my adherence to Alternian traditions
GA: You Should Probably Listen To Her
GA: She Undoubtedly Has Your Best Interests At Heart
GA: And From My Brief Experience With Her I Can Tell She Is Almost Certainly An Excellent Moirail
GA: Or At Least A Better Moirail Than I Ever Was
CT: D --> Yes
CT: D --> She is tr001y the best there is
CT: D --> But you shouldn't be so quick to di%redit yourself
CT: D --> Judging by this conversation alone
CT: D --> Which is, of course, 100% platonic and not pale in any way whatsoever
CT: D --> I can conc100de that you would be an e%cellent moirail
GA: Now Youre Simply Flattering Me
GA: The Only Moirallegiance Ive Been In Was A Complete Failure
GA: Even If I Did Manage To Salvage Something Wonderful From The Smoldering Wreckage Of It
CT: D --> That was a special case
CT: D --> There were e%tenuating circumstances, as it were
CT: D --> It's understandable that tension would e%ist
GA: Yes Of Course The Tension Was Understandable
GA: But A Good Moirail Wouldve Actually Addressed The Issue And Attempted To Do Something To Resolve It
GA: But Instead I Took The Cowards Way Out
GA: I Just Took The Relationship Vriska And I Had And Twisted It Into A Shallow Mockery Of What I Wanted It To Be
GA: She Trusted Me To Be Her Moirail And I Utterly Betrayed That Trust
GA: And I Joke About It To Her But Whenever I Think About The Way I Handled Our Relationship It Honestly Disgusts Me
GA: The Whole Basis Of A Functional Moirallegiance Is Honesty And Sometimes I Wonder If I Can Truly Be Honest With Anyone
CT: D --> Well
CT: D --> You're being honest with me right now
GA: Uh
GA: I Guess I Am
CT: D --> Er
CT: D --> I didn't mean to imply we were sharing any sort of pale feelings here
CT: D --> We are, of course, completely platonic friends
GA: Yes Thats Absolutely Right
GA: We Are Simply Confiding In Each Other As Confidants Are Wont To Do
CT: D --> Yes
GA: Yes
CT: D --> Uh
CT: D --> Is it just me
CT: D --> Or has this di%ussion suddenly become
CT: D --> Awkward
GA: Im Sorry Its My Fault
GA: I Just Started Rambling To You About My Own Personal Hangups And I Sort Of Got Out Of Hand
GA: And If You Want To End The Conversation Now I Understand Completely
CT: D --> Kanaya
CT: D --> Speaking as your friend
CT: D --> I STRONGLY believe you should 100k for a moirail
CT: D --> And I tr001y think anyone would be e%tremely lucky to be in a moirallegiance with you
GA: Thank You Equius
GA: I Dont Know If Thats True But Its Nice Of You To Say Regardless
CT: D --> It is abso100tely 100% true
CT: D --> In fact, I order you to believe it to be true
CT: D --> And I must specify that this order is e%empt from the usual trivially met e%ape clause we would normally assume would be inc100ded
GA: Haha Okay Fine
GA: I Suppose As Your Inferior I Have No Choice But To Follow Your Thoroughly Binding Command
CT: D --> E%cellent
GA: You Really Are A Good Person Equius
GA: And I Honestly Believe You Could Have Anyone You Wanted As Your Matesprit If You Just Relaxed A Little
GA: And If You Actually Are Thinking Of Pursuing Feferi Then I Wish You The Best Of Luck And Would Be Happy To Assist You In Any Way I Can
CT: D --> That means a great deal to me, Kanaya
CT: D --> Thank you
GA: Of Course
GA: What Are Friends For
CT: D --> I don't a%ually know
CT: D --> I've never had one that wasn't simultaneously an enemy
CT: D --> So this is a learning e%perience for me
GA: Haha
GA: Anyway Anytime You Wish To Talk To Me Id Be Happy To Indulge You
GA: But For Now Were Skirting Dangerously Close To Pale Infidelity So Its Probably Best That This Particular Conversation Ends
CT: D --> You know
CT: D --> For all the talk of pale infidelity
CT: D --> I'm not even sure if it's a thing that a%ually e%ists
GA: Really
CT: D --> Yes, really
CT: D --> But then, I suppose it's best not to take unnecessary ris%
GA: Yes Of Course
CT: D --> But I'm always open to a friendly di%ussion myself
CT: D --> So if you ever need someone to talk to, you are free to conta% me
GA: Thank You Equius
CT: D --> Of horse
CT: D --> What are friends foal
GA: Hahaha Right
CT: D --> I'm sorry, these hoofbeast puns are gelding rather filly
CT: D --> I should've colt myself befoal they got out of hoof
CT: D --> But I suppose I've beaten this dead horse thoroughbredly enough
CT: D --> I'll spare you and not trot out anymare
GA: Okay Please Stop
GA: I Am Now Actually Literally Laughing Out Loud And Vriska Got Here A Few Minutes Ago And Shes Looking At Me Like Im Insane
GA: Which I Must Be To Be Reduced To Tears By Something As Ridiculous As A Barrage Of Unsolicited Horse Puns
GA: Now Im The One Who Requires A Towel
CT: D --> Haha
CT: D --> Anyway, I didn't realize your matesprit was there
CT: D --> I won't keep you any further
GA: Its No Problem At All Really
GA: But I Hope To Talk To You Again Soon
CT: D --> Count on it
GA: You Mean Canter On It
CT: D --> Ha, yes
CT: D --> That is abso100tely what I mean
GA: Sorry Im Done
GA: Ill Let You Go Now
CT: D --> Ok
CT: D --> Goodbye, Kanaya
GA: Goodbye Equius

centaursTesticle [CT] ceased trolling grimAuxiliatrix [GA].

Chapter 8: A Chance to Glow

Chapter 8

A Chance to Glow

caligulasAquarium [CA] began trolling arsenicCatnip [AC]

CA: nep no time to talk just go this memo its a fuckin emergency
CA: http://tinyurl.com/ohgodimgonnafuckindie
AC: :33 < what??
AC: :33 < uh, okay

CURRENT caligulasAquarium [CCA] RIGHT NOW opened memo on board oh my fuckin god wwhat the fuck is goin on here im about to die

CCA: fuck fuck fuck
CCA: ok wwevve got a serious fuckin emergency on lotam
CCA: an im kinda trapped here an i dont knoww wwhat the fuck to do so somebody please fuckin help me
FUTURE carcinoGeneticist [FCG] 3 MINUTES FROM NOW responded to memo.
FCG: WHAT
FCG: ERIDAN, WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON.
CCA: its gam
CCA: hes gone fuckin crazy
CCA: i dont knoww wwhat the fuck happened but he just fuckin snapped
CCA: an noww hes dartin around the hivve like a fuckin lunatic wwith some sorta super speed powwers or some shit
CURRENT centaursTesticle [CCT] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.
CCT: D --> So the day has finally come
CCT: D --> The subjugglator within him has awakened
CCT: D --> We are all doomed
FCG: OH MY GOD
FCG: ERIDAN, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO????
CCA: i dont knoww i just wwoke up an he wwas like this
CURRENT adiosToreador [CAT] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.
CAT: wAIT, yOU SAID,
CAT: yOU TOOK HIM OFF THE SOPOR, rIGHT,
CCA: yeah its all fuckin gone
CCA: not evven any in the fuckin recuperacoon
CAT: yOU MEAN,
CAT: hE WASN'T EVEN SLEEPING IN IT,
CCA: no he wwent to sleep on a fuckin legume sack
CCA: meanwwhile i wwas gettin nice an cozy in the faygo pile wwhen i wwoke up to this fuckin psychotic clowwn
CAT: oH GOD,
CAT: oKAY, tHIS IS WHAT HAPPENS, wHEN HE FORGETS TO TAKE THE SLIME,
CAT: bUT IF HE DIDN'T SLEEP IN IT, iT'S PROBABLY EVEN WORSE THAN USUAL,
CCA: yeah wwell its pretty fuckin bad right noww
CCA: he hasnt tried attackin me yet or anythin but hes playin fuckin mind games wwith me
CCA: an hes rantin about killin all lowwbloods an seadwwellers an its gettin kinda fuckin disturbin
CAT: oKAY, wELL,
CAT: dON'T MAKE ANY SUDDEN MOVEMENTS,
CAT: aND DEFINITELY DON'T ATTACK HIM, bECAUSE,
CAT: hE'LL PROBABLY KILL YOU,
CAT: oR YOU'LL KILL HIM, mAYBE
CAT: aND NEITHER OF THOSE THINGS IS VERY GOOD,
CCA: believve me i dont wwanna havve to kill him
CCA: but im startin to wwonder wwhat the fuck else i can do at this point
CAT: wELL, dO YOU HAVE ANY SLIME AVAILABLE,
CCA: course ivve got fuckin slime
CCA: its all in my fuckin sylladex
FCG: OH MY GOD ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME
FCG: GIVE HIM SOME FUCKING SLIME, YOU NOOK-SNIFFING IGNORAMUS!!!
CCA: no fuck that
CCA: im his moirail not his fuckin dealer
CCA: i wwanna help him not be the guy wwho keeps him drugged up wwith fuckin sopor
FCG: FOR FUCK'S SAKE
FCG: HE'S TRYING TO KILL YOU, YOU DUMB FUCK, IS NOW REALLY THE TIME TO STICK TO YOUR FUCKING GUNS?????
CCA: look somebody please just fuckin tell me theres a wway to calm him dowwn wwithout givvin him anymore fuckin slime
CCT: D --> A subjugglator's b100dthirst is not sated so easily
CCT: D --> Only b100dshed can satisfy it
CCT: D --> If a sacrifice is required, I will gladly be the first vi%im
CURRENT arsenicCatnip [CAC] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.
CAC: :33 < equius, no!!!
CAC: :33 < im not letting you get yourself killed to satisfy your insane hemeowspectrum submission fantasies!!!
CCT: D --> Nepeta, stay out of this
CCT: D --> It is not something I e%pect a greenb100d to understand
CAC: :33 < i understand it enough!
CAC: :33 < youre offuring to let gamz33 kill you, and im putting my foot down!
CAC: :33 < as your meowrail, i furbid you furom going to lotam!!
CCT: D --> This transcends the bounds of moirallegiance
CCT: D --> It is the highb100d's destiny
CCT: D --> As it is mine
CAC: XOO < grrrr NO IT ISNT!!!
CAC: XOO < EQUIUS, STAY THE FUCK OFF OF LOTAM!!!!!!
CCT: D --> Your
CCT: D --> Impudence
CCT: D --> Is noted
CCT: D --> But I must go
CCT: D --> I'm sorry, Nepeta
CCT ceased responding to memo.
CAC: XOO < ARRRGRGHRGHRGHRGHRGHRGJGARSKHLFSADJBLKJ
CAC: :33 < well, i guess im going to lotam too to stop that idiot furom killing himself!
CAC: :33 < be right there
CAC ceased responding to memo.
CCA: god damnit no
CCA: this isnt wwhat i fuckin wwant at all
CCA: somebody please howw the fuck do i stop this wwithout anybody dyin
CAT: wELL, tHERE MIGHT BE A WAY,
CCA: wwhat is it
CAT: wELL, uH,
CAT: dO YOU KNOW ANYTHING, aBOUT, uH
CAT: sLAM POETRY,
CCA: wwhat
CCA: no i dont fuckin knoww anythin about fuckin slam poetry are you fuckin kiddin me
CAT: wELL, wHEN HE GOT LIKE THIS BEFORE,
CAT: rAPPING ALWAYS SEEMED TO, uH
CAT: cALM HIM DOWN,
CCA: oh god are you fuckin serious
CCA: so wwhat ivve gotta challenge him to a fuckin poetry slam
CAT: nO, i WOULDN'T SUGGEST THAT,
CAT: bECAUSE YOU'LL PROBABLY LOSE,
CAT: aND IF YOU LOSE, hE'LL, uH,
CAT: kILL YOU,
CCA: oh my god
CAT: oKAY, lOOK,
CAT: i'LL COME OVER TO lotam,
CAT: mAYBE i'LL BE ABLE TO PACIFY HIM,
CURRENT terminallyCapricious [CTC] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.
CTC: no no no no no.
CTC: MOTHER FUCK NO.
CTC: tavbro stay the fuck away.
CTC: STAY THE MOTHERFUCK AWAY TAVBRO.
CTC: i don't want to motherfuckin hurt you.
CTC: BUT IF YOU MOTHERFUCKING COME HERE I'M MOTHERFUCKING GOING TO MOTHERFUCKING KILL YOU TAVBRO.
CAT: gAMZEE, pLEASE STOP THIS,
CTC: i can't motherfuckin stop it, brother.
CTC: THE MOTHERFUCKING SLIME IS MOTHERFUCKING GONE AND MY MOTHERFUCKING EYES ARE MOTHERFUCKING OPEN.
CTC: and now i know what my true motherfuckin destiny is.
CTC: IT'S TO MOTHERFUCKING KILL EVERY LAST MOTHERFUCKING ONE OF YOU MOTHERFUCKERS.
CAT: gAMZEE, i'M COMING TO lotam,
CAT: aND i'M GOING TO DO SOMETHING i SHOULD HAVE DONE A LONG TIME AGO,
CTC: no.
CTC: YOU CAN'T MOTHERFUCKING SEE ME LIKE THIS, TAVBRO.
CTC: just motherfuckin stay away.
CAT: i HAVE TO DO THIS, gAMZEE,
CAT: i'M SORRY,
CTC: HOOOOOOONK.
CTC ceased responding to memo.
FCG: OH MY GOD.
FCG: PLEASE, TAVROS, DON'T HURT HIM.
CAT: kARKAT,
CAT: i CAN'T HURT HIM ANY MORE THAN i ALREADY HAVE,
FCG: WHAT?
FCG: LOOK, MAYBE I SHOULD COME OVER THERE.
FCG: SOMEBODY HAS TO PAP THIS CLOWN INTO SUBMISSION.
FCG: AND IF ERIDAN CAN'T GET HIS SHIT TOGETHER AND DO IT, THEN I'M GOING TO HAVE TO STEP IN.
CCA: god damnit kar you think i didnt fuckin think a that
CCA: he keeps doin this fuckin flash step thing an i cant get a fuckin bead on him
CCA: i cant evven shoosh him let alone fuckin pap him
CCA: evvery time i try to get close to him he throwws a fuckin faygo bottle in my face or makes me trip ovver a legume sack or some shit
CCA: seriously my pranksters gambit is gettin dangerously fuckin loww ovver here
FCG: OH MY GOD, YOU ARE SUCH AN INCOMPETENT BUFFOON.
FCG: MY CONTEMPT FOR YOU AT THIS MOMENT IS LITERALLY PALPABLE, AND I'M CURRENTLY MOLDING IT INTO THE SHAPE OF A GIANT MIDDLE FINGER POINTED RIGHT AT YOUR MORONIC FACE.
FCG: I'M COMING OVER THERE.
CAT: kARKAT, pLEASE, i CAN HANDLE THIS,
CAT: aND IT'S SOMETHING i HAVE TO DO MYSELF,
FCG: GOD DAMNIT, WHY DO YOU KEEP TALKING LIKE YOU'RE ABOUT TO CULL HIM?
FCG: BECAUSE IF YOU'RE DOING THAT, I'M GOING THERE JUST TO STOP YOU.
CAT: nO, lOOK, tHERE'S NO CULLING INVOLVED,
CAT: bUT, i MEAN,
CAT: mY PLAN IS A LITTLE WEIRD,
CAT: aND i DON'T REALLY WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT RIGHT NOW,
CAT: bUT i KNOW IT'LL WORK
CAT: jUST TRUST ME,
FCG: ...
FCG: OKAY, FINE.
FCG: BUT IF YOU KILL HIM, I'M COMING AFTER YOU NEXT.
CAT: iT WON'T COME TO THAT, bELIEVE ME,
CAT: aNYWAY, i SHOULD GO,
CAT ceased responding to memo.
FCG: GOD.
FCG: ERIDAN, YOU ARE SUCH A METEORIC FUCKUP, IT'S ALMOST INSPIRING.
FCG: INSPIRING ME TO PUNCH YOU IN THE FACE.
CCA: you think i dont fuckin knoww that kar
CCA: i wwasnt tryin to drivve gam into a genocidal fuckin rage yknoww
CCA: i wwas tryin to help him
CCA: i figured if he got off the sopor hed be more activve an alert an basically wwouldnt let the wwhole fuckin wworld pass him by
CCA: wwhich i guess wwas a resoundin fuckin success for a givven definition of success
CCA: that bein one wwhich doesnt count him turnin into a vviolent psychopath as a failure condition
FCG: WELL
CCA: god this wwhole thing was a fuckin mistake wwasnt it
CCA: i nevver shoulda become gams moirail in the first place
CCA: im just the shittiest goddamn moirail there evver fuckin wwas
CCA: cant evven help somebody like gam wwithout fuckin things up monumentally
CCA: i cannot BELIEVVE wwhat a fuckin asshole i am
FCG: ERIDAN, JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR A MINUTE, OKAY?
FCG: YOU'RE NOT A COMPLETELY AWFUL MOIRAIL.
FCG: YOU WERE JUST TRYING TO HELP GAMZEE.
FCG: AND YEAH, I MEAN, YOU MAY OR MAY NOT BE IN THE MIDDLE OF FUCKING IT UP CATASTROPHICALLY AS WE SPEAK
FCG: AND YOU'RE KIND OF A DUMBFUCK FOR BUMBLING INTO THIS WHOLE SOPOR THING ALL GUNGHO IN THE FIRST PLACE
FCG: BUT THE FACT THAT YOU'RE EVEN TRYING SAYS SOMETHING.
CCA: really
FCG: LOOK, JUST LET TAVROS TRY HIS THING
FCG: AND IF THAT DOESN'T WORK, YOU CAN JUST PUT GAMZEE BACK ON THE SLIME AND WE'LL WRITE THIS WHOLE THING OFF AS A WELL-INTENTIONED MISTAKE.
FCG: ALRIGHT?
CCA: wwell
CCA: ok
CCA: shit kar you alwways seem to knoww just the right thing to say
CCA: maybe you shouldvve been gams moirail
FCG: NO, FUCK YOU.
FCG: YOU'RE HIS MOIRAIL NOW, AND THAT IS FUCKING THAT.
FCG: SO GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER AND JUST DEAL WITH IT.
CCA: yeah alright
CCA: oh hey nep just got here
CCA: and shit theres eq right fuckin behind her
CCA: howw the fuck did he get here so fast
CCA: god that fuckin guy
CCA: hes probably got a bulge just thinkin about gettin subjugglated
FCG: ALRIGHT, I APPRECIATE YOU KEEPING ME UPDATED HERE, BUT CAN WE MOVE THIS TO A PRIVATE CONVERSATION?
FCG: IF THE REST OF THESE ASSHOLES WANT THE PLAY-BY-PLAY, THEY CAN GO TO FUCKING LOTAM THEMSELVES.
CCA: yeah sure
CCA: probably airin too much shit out here anywway
CCA: but really thanks for bein supportivve kar
FCG: YEAH YEAH WHATEVER.
FCG: TALK TO YOU ALMOST IMMEDIATELY.
CCA: right
FCG ceased responding to memo.
CCA ceased responding to memo.

CCA closed memo.

***

"Equius, no! You are not going up there!"

"Nepeta, you will release me at once."

The two stood a good distance from the entrance to Gamzee's hive, Nepeta interposing herself between Equius and the structure and attempting to restrain him by his arms. From where they were standing, they could occasionally catch quick glimpses of a blurry figure through the hive's windows, as well as the occasional flying horn or bottle of Faygo. They could also faintly hear the two occupants conversing, with Gamzee constantly babbling about death and murder, and Eridan's attempts at consolation being interrupted with a loud honk or the sharp hiss of an exploding soda bottle, each earning a string of expletives from the terrified seadweller.

"No I won't!" Nepeta shouted, glaring up at Equius and attempting to shake his massive arms, only succeeding in shaking herself against him. "You can't go up there! It's too dangerous! If you go confront Gamzee, one of you is going to get hurt, or probably even killed!"

Equius glowered down at her. "That is none of your concern," he said. "As the highest-blooded of the landdwellers only before him, it is my sole privilege to deal with the highblood."

"So what," Nepeta said, "you're going to try to stop him?"

Equius hesitated. "Er," was all he could manage in response.

"You're not!" Nepeta yelled, beating a hand against his chest. "You're just gonna go up there and kneel before him and let him beat you to death with a club, and you'll just sit there and take it with a smile on your face because you're a fucking idiot!"

Equius grabbed her wrist as delicately as he could, still sending a sharp spike of pain through it and causing her to flinch. "Nepeta, watch your language," he said suddenly and harshly.

"No! I won't watch my language, because you're being stupid!" Nepeta said, futilely attempting to wriggle her arm out of his grip until he released it. "I'm not letting you go up there, and that's that!"

Equius huffed, and a few beads of sweat began to appear on his forehead. "Nepeta, this is not something I expect you to understand, but it is something I must do," he said, his voice shaking with bridled rage. "Now get out of my way."

"No! I'm not getting out of your way!" Nepeta shouted, her arms balled into fists at her sides. "In fact..." She suddenly dropped to the ground and wrapped her entire body around Equius' shins. "I'm getting even more in your way! Now you can't even move without tearing me in half! What do you think about that?"

Equius looked down at her and let out a long, disgusted sigh. "Nepeta, stop this. You're being foolish."

"You're the one who's being foolish, Equius!" she shot back at him. "I'm doing this for your own good!"

The two continued to bicker for a while, with Equius vainly attempting to extricate himself from Nepeta's grip without hurting her, until they were interrupted by the arrival of Tavros. He was garbed in loose-fitting, light blue god tier apparel, and he fluttered to the ground on large brown wings, leaving a trail of cinnamon sparkles in his wake.

"Tavros?" Nepeta asked, disentangling herself from Equius' legs and standing once more. "What are you doing here?"

"I'm here to deal with Gamzee," Tavros replied, his voice unwavering, and filled with what she almost wanted to say was conviction.

"Correction, rustblood," Equius said, stepping between Tavros and Gamzee's hive. "I am here to deal with the highblood. You are entitled to do nothing more than watch."

Tavros just glared at him. "With all due respect, Equius," he spat, making it entirely clear how little that was, "this has nothing to do with you. It's between me and Gamzee."

"No," Equius growled in response, leaning over Tavros, "I am between you and the highblood."

Tavros didn't flinch. "Well, in that case," he said, "I guess you'll just have to step aside."

Equius pursed his lips, and he once again started to perspire. "Is that..." he started, his voice quivering with anger and disgust. "Is that a command?"

"Call it what you want," Tavros said, and took a step closer to look Equius straight in the eyes. "Just get. The fuck. Out. Of my way," he said in a low growl, almost a whisper, and raised a hand to his side. He swept it in front of him in a wave, and Equius was suddenly buffeted out of the way by a sharp blast of wind. Tavros strode confidently through the vacuum left in his wake, and Equius was too shocked to do anything but turn and watch him.

"Gamzee!" he shouted as he advanced toward the hive. "It's Tavros! Come out here and face me!"

The commotion in the hive came to a sudden stop, and after a moment's pause, the front door snapped open and then shut again as Gamzee darted his way through it. He stood fully upright, completely different from his normal slouched stance, and towered several inches over Tavros. Gamzee looked at him sorrowfully, his mouth contorted into a horrifying frown. "Tavbro, why'd you motherfuckin' come?" he said. "I MOTHERFUCKING TOLD YOU TO STAY THE MOTHER FUCK AWAY."

"I came to put an end to this, Gamzee," Tavros replied, looking Gamzee in the eyes earnestly.

"There's only one motherfuckin' way it's gonna motherfuckin' end, brother," Gamzee said. "I KILL EVERY MOTHERFUCKING LAST ONE OF YOU MOTHERFUCKERS, OR ONE OF YOU MOTHERFUCKING KILLS ME."

"It doesn't have to be like this, Gamzee," Tavros said.

Gamzee looked to the ground, shaking his head. "I've seen the motherfuckin' truth, brother," he said. "I'VE SEEN THE MOTHERFUCKING DESTINY WHAT'S BEEN LAID MOTHERFUCKING DOWN TO ME." He let out a dry, choking laugh. "The Mirthful Messiahs were always a motherfuckin' lie. MY ONLY MOTHERFUCKING PURPOSE FOR EVER MOTHERFUCKING BEING WAS TO EXECUTE ALL YOU MOTHERFUCKERS."

"Gamzee, please," Tavros pleaded, opening his arms plaintively. "Just stop this."

"Wish I motherfuckin' could, but it's not that motherfuckin' simple," Gamzee said, then looked back up at Tavros, his mouth twisted into a snarl. "IT WON'T MOTHERFUCKIN' STOP UNLESS YOU'RE PREPARED TO MOTHERFUCKIN' STRIFE ME."

"Actually," Tavros said, suddenly shifting to a self-assured tone, "I'd prefer if we could settle this in a more traditional way." He held his left arm out, and suddenly a massive boombox materialized in it from his sylladex. He unhooked a microphone from it with his other hand and let it settle at his side.

Seeing this, Gamzee let out a long, honking laugh. "You want to motherfuckin' slam with me, brother?" he asked with a menacing grin. "YOU MOTHERFUCKING KNOW THE MOTHERFUCKING RULES."

"Of course," Tavros said with a smirk. "Winner takes the loser's life."

Gamzee frowned at him. "Don't motherfuckin' do this, Tavbro," he pleaded. "YOU NEVER MOTHERFUCKING BEAT ME IN A MOTHERFUCKING SLAM, AND I DON'T MOTHERFUCKING WANT TO HAVE TO MOTHERFUCKING CULL YOU."

Tavros' face turned to stone. "I'm not going to lose, Gamzee."

Rage clouded Gamzee's mind once more, and his frown again curled into a wicked grin. "Motherfuckin' fine then. THE MOTHERFUCKING CHALLENGER GOES FIRST."

Tavros hit the power button on the boombox and released his grip on it, forming a tiny little whirlwind to lower it gently to the ground. A soft, mournful piano piece started playing from its speakers, and Tavros raised his hood over his head. The two stared each other down, waiting for the beat to drop.

Eridan was watching everything unfold from the the hive's front window, frenetically dictating everything taking place into his huskpad. Seeing an opportunity to escape the hive, he disappeared from the window, then emerged from the hive's back entrance. Tavros and Gamzee continued their standoff, the boombox having transitioned to a strumming guitar piece, and Eridan carefully made his way over a tightrope to where Nepeta and Equius were standing.

"What the fuck are they doin'?" he asked, still tapping on his huskpad.

"It's a poetry slam," Equius answered, but didn't look away from the spectacle unfolding. "The traditional way of settling disputes among highbloods." He huffed out a prideful laugh. "The rustblood has no chance of defeating him. He will certainly be culled."

"I wouldn't be so sure about that..." Nepeta said with a sly smirk.

Eridan just rolled his eyes. "This is the dumbest fuckin' thing I've ever fuckin' seen."

Tavros tapped the microphone to ensure it was working properly, sending a few loud thumps through the boombox's speakers. Suddenly, a pounding beat dropped into the song, and he raised the mic to his mouth and began to rap.

"Okay, so, I know you must be feelin' mad,
All this lack of slime's got you really sad,
But, I just want to tell you, that it's not so bad,
You've got friends who care about you, and they're really glad,
That, uh, you're alright, you're not feeling the bite,
Or, uh, I guess you are, so uh, fuck, nevermind,
But, the point is, you've still got stuff to live for,
Even if you have to stop taking the sopor,
You've got a moirail who cares enough not to drug you,
And you've got all your friends, and maybe even one who loves you,
So like a legislacerator, I'm about to drub you,
Cook up a big souffle of rhymes and serve it up like grubfood,
Wait, I shouldn't mention baking, because of the pies,
So that was probably out of line, and I apologize,
But if you could see the truth and just look past all the lies,
You'd see this world is full of beauty, if you open your eyes."

From the sidelines, Nepeta gave an uncertain grimace. "Was... was that good?"

"No," said Equius flatly. "It was absolute rubbish."

"Well, I mean," Eridan started, proffering a justifying palm in a half-shrug, "the beginnin' was fuckin' awful, but it... kind of got better?"

Equius simply turned and looked at the seadweller, utterly silent. Eridan slumped his shoulders and looked away. "Okay, it was fuckin' garbage," he admitted as he returned to tapping away at his huskpad. "But maybe Gam won't be any better."

Tavros extended the mic and dropped it into Gamzee's waiting palm. The clown raised it to his head, mouth curved in a murderous grin, all the traces of compassion in his expression lost in the heat of subjugglation, and began to rap.

"Your rhymes are weak, and your message is motherfuckin' hollow,
So it's time to spit some rhymes for you to motherfuckin' follow,
No shitblood motherfucker can understand the depths of my sorrow,
So let me try to explain my pain with this mic that I've borrowed,
Ever since I was a fuckin' grub, I believed it was true,
That every brother would be saved by the Mirthful Messiahs two,
But the slime made me blind, clouded my fuckin' mind,
And now I see the truth that was always behind,
My violent activities, profane proclivities,
And it was never any motherfuckin' clownish divinities,
It's this indigo blood poundin' through my fuckin' veins,
Stirrin' me into a bloodlust, drivin' me insane,
And now I know my true purpose was always to cull,
Track down lowblood motherfuckers and cave in their fuckin' skulls,
Ain't no motherfuckin' miracle can stop this rage,
So just do yourself a favor and step off of the stage."

The three spectators looked on slack-jawed. "He's fucked," Eridan piped up.

"Well, it's still going," Nepeta offered hesitantly. "If he can do better, he still has a chance!"

Equius opened his mouth to speak, but the words didn't come out. He simply stood in silence, sweating profusely.

Gamzee slapped the mic into Tavros' open hand, and the brown-blooded troll raised it with a look of determination on his face. A light breeze began to stir the air as he began to rap once more.

"Now I hear what you're sayin, and I know you're not playin',
But I think it's time you listen to these rhymes that I'm layin',
I can see that you're a killer by the mark on your shirt,
But that don't mean that anybody further has to get hurt,
Nature versus nurture, it's all just a debate,
It doesn't make it fate that you'll have to subjugglate,
It's written down in history that you'll succumb to your rage,
But this a whole different chapter, so write up a new page,
I know there's fury smoldering all up in your brain,
But I'm not about to sit and let it up and drive you insane,
You've got friends that want to help you to get over this pain,
Work out the shit that's tangled in your fuckin' membrane,
Your anger is all-consuming, but I know you can fight it,
If it's your destiny to kill, then we'll just have to rewrite it,
Present fate your middle finger, drop your clubs just to spite it,
There's hope for good in all of us, we just have to ignite it."

Equius blinked, his eyes wide. "That was..." he started begrudgingly, "a marked improvement."

"Yeah, I don't know shit about poetry, but that sounded a lot fuckin' better," Eridan replied, still diligently entering keystrokes into his huskpad. "Shit, maybe Tav can actually win this fuckin' thing."

"Yeah!" Nepeta squealed with a little clap, then threw a fist into the air. "Go Tavros!"

As Tavros handed the mic to Gamzee, the highblood's grin vanished, the look on his face shifting from amusement to determination. The wind continued to howl as he started his rap.

"Motherfucker, this fuckin' blasphemy is makin' me choke,
The chucklevoodoos can't be stopped, that's a motherfuckin' joke,
The motherfuckin' urges deep inside me can't be repressed,
I'll cull and slaughter motherfuckers like a demon possessed,
The one reason for my being was a slanderous lie,
Designed to keep me all in line until the day that I die,
But now I've seen the fuckin' truth, and my whole world is shattered,
My whole religion was a joke, all that shit never mattered,
There ain't no motherfuckin' miracles except what we make,
From the tendons that we sever and the bones that we break,
The vaunted paradise I'll beckon with a mythical flood,
From the corpses of my brothers, flowing rivers of blood,
My only way to cope is killin' every fucker I see,
Already killed the only thing that ever mattered to me,
So whoever wins this fuckin' slam, we're both gonna lose,
Either way, the whole thing's fucked, why even bother to choose?"

Equius cocked an eyebrow. "That entire last stanza seems... particularly grim, even given his already dark subject matter," he pondered bemusedly. "What could he be talking about?"

"I think I know," Eridan said, giving Nepeta a knowing glance.

"Yeah, me too," Nepeta said, returning Eridan's look with a smirk. She turned back to the battle. "Now, Tavros! Go for it!"

Tavros looked back to her with a smirk of his own, and he snatched up the mic almost immediately after it left Gamzee's grip. The breeze intensified further, and little funnels of dust and debris began to twist around Tavros as he started to rap.

"Now I can see the only way to get through to ya's destruction,
So let me turn these bitches up to stern to give you instruction,
I'm not the troll you knew, so let me give a fresh introduction,
My name is Rufio, a fuckin' Tavros Nitram production,
Now let me tell you what I think of all these problems you got,
They're all bullshit on a platter, served up steamin' and hot,
Your fuckin' existential crisis is a trifle compared,
To all the fundamental stresses on the staircase-impaired,
But all the difficulties pressed upon me, I overcame,
And now I'm walkin' and I'm flyin', when before I was lame,
When all these challenges come to you, you just can't stay the same,
'Cause developing and growing is the name of the game,
I've overcome so many obstacles, you can't understand,
I've got spiders eatin' from the fuckin' palm of my hand,
I'm not about to let you go insane like destiny planned,
So now the shooshing will commence, and you know it'll be grand."

As the rap intensified, Tavros' voice heightened into a deafening crescendo, reverberating with an otherworldly power. Gamzee and the rest looked on in awe as the vortices swirling around Tavros began to lift him off the ground.

Equius, by this point, was sweating profusely. "He has found The Flow," he said reverentially. "There are no words." He quickly retrieved a fresh towel from his sylladex and began to wipe off his brow.

"Yeah, I think it's fair to say Tav's got a fuckin' monopoly on words at this point," Eridan admitted, the skeptical amusement once in his voice now completely absent.

Nepeta looked on wide-eyed with amazement. "They should've sent Troll Jodie Foster."

Tavros didn't even bother handing the mic back to Gamzee. Instead, he let his brown wings unfurl behind him, sending little clouds of sparkles in all directions. The wind whipped the hood off his head, and the fury of the maelstrom around him would have threatened to drown him out completely had it not been for the boombox amplifying his every word. Gamzee looked up with quickly slipping resolve as Tavros continued his verbal beatdown.

"So let me introduce you to a program I just made up,
It's a two-step intervention to get out of this rut,
Step one is to admit your problem, which you've just done,
And then the motherfuckin' next step's where it really gets fun,
Step two is to submit yourself to a higher power,
Who just happens to be ascending in this glorious hour,
There ain't no jovial divinities to find under Skaia,
So bow down, cause I'm your Verbal motherfuckin' Messiah,
I'll incinerate your sins in all my sickest of fires,
And let my lyrics burn away all your earthly desires,
From Prospit to Derse, everyone will join in congregation,
To bathe in the light of this terminal conflagration,
Your iniquities I'll vanquish, I'll exterminate your anguish,
Turn your weakness into strength with all the vagaries of language,
So it's time you give it up and just snap out of this rage,
Because your horns got handed to you, so bow down to the Page!"

As the whirlwind surrounding Tavros dissipated, the only sounds in the air were the slowly dying winds and the constant pulse of the beats. Tavros touched down to the ground and thrust the mic out in front of him. Gamzee simply stared, his mouth agape and quivering, and after a long pause, Tavros released the mic. A series of loud thumps sounded as it came to a stop on the ground. The beat continued for a moment more until Tavros jabbed a single finger toward the boombox, silencing it with a sharp thrust of wind.

As the beat died, Gamzee collapsed to his hands and knees. He stared into the ground, breathing heavily. "You fuckin' beat me, Tavbro. FAIR AND MOTHERFUCKING SQUARE," he said, his voice cracking, and he began to sob. "Just do it. MOTHERFUCKING KILL ME NOW."

As Gamzee continued to sob, Tavros looked down at him, the look of determination on his face melting into one of pity. "Gamzee, why are you crying?" he asked quietly.

"I didn't motherfuckin' want it to end this way, Tavbro," Gamzee lamented, still not looking up to face Tavros. "DIDN'T WANT TO MAKE YOU MOTHERFUCKING KILL ME." He buried his face in the ground, cradling his hands over the back of his head. "I fuckin' loved you, Tavbro," he said through muffled sobs. "BUT NOW IT DOESN'T MOTHERFUCKING MATTER."

Tavros sighed. "Who says I have to kill you?"

"We both motherfuckin' said it!" Gamzee looked up and cried. "WE AGREED ON THE MOTHERFUCKING TERMS!" He lowered his head and continued wailing.

Tavros furrowed his brow the slightest bit. "Get up," he commanded, and Gamzee complied, though he continued to stare downward.

"Nobody ever said anything about killing, Gamzee," Tavros said matter-of-factly, then smirked. "We said the winner takes the loser's life. It's fairly open to interpretation."

Gamzee sniffled and looked up. "So what are you gonna fuckin' do?"

Tavros laughed to himself. "Something I should've done a long time ago," he said. He stepped forward, reached a hand behind Gamzee's head, and pulled him into a kiss.

Gamzee's eyes widened in shock, but he quickly settled in, returning the kiss in full force. From the sidelines, Nepeta squealed in joy and clapped to herself, Eridan couldn't help but laugh, and all Equius could manage was to flinch and sputter out a wordless amalgamation of shock and disgust. He quickly buried his face in his towel.

Tavros disengaged the kiss with a smile, and Gamzee stared at him, his face full of wonderment. "Tavbro, are you...?" he started, but trailed off, unable to muster the belief to finish his sentence.

Tavros sighed, and his smile slanted into a lopsided frown. "I'm sorry, Gamzee," he said, his voice a curious cocktail of elation and regret. "I really should've done this sooner. When you first..." he looked to the side, and a brown flush filled his cheeks, "...proposed the idea, I never even really gave it a chance. And I really should have reacted to it better."

"Nah, I get it, bro," Gamzee said in an unusually stable voice, neither the menacing whisper nor the bellowing growl of moments ago. "I pretty much up and sprang that shit over you in the worst motherfuckin' way imaginable."

"Yeah, maybe," Tavros said, tilting his head, then turned back to face Gamzee. "But still! I never even thought about what it might be like to be your matesprit. I just pushed the whole thing out of my mind. And I think if I had thought about it..." The frown on his face was once again replaced with a smile. "...I would've really liked the idea."

Gamzee's eyes widened even further, and an indigo blush was barely visible under his facepaint. "Tavbro, are you saying..."

Tavros cut him off by grabbing his hands. "It's not too late, is it, Gamzee?" he asked, looking up at him pleadingly. "Can we still be matesprits?"

Gamzee laughed, and a wide grin covered his face. "Shit yeah we can, brother," he said, and the two leaned in for a long, passionate kiss. Nepeta, wanting to start a tradition, started cheering and clapping once more, and Eridan joined in the applause with a grin. Equius simply muttered something unintelligible into his towel and turned away from the spectacle.

Once they finished, Nepeta scampered up to them. "So do you two really want to be matespurrits?" she asked excitedly, flicking her tail behind her.

"Yeah, we do," Tavros answered with a smile. "That's pretty much all there is to say on the matter."

"That's great!" she exclaimed, doing a happy little jump in place. "I'm so happy fur you two!"

"Not as motherfuckin' happy as I am, sister," Gamzee said, wrapping an arm around Tavros' shoulder and pulling him in tightly.

"As we are," Tavros quickly corrected. Gamzee just laughed in response.

"Well, of course not!" Nepeta admitted. "Ah, this is so exciting! I've got to update my shipping wall right away! And then I'll need to post another memo!"

"I wouldn't be too quick to post that memo, actually," Tavros warned her, and a devious grin crawled across his face. "We've got some... things we need to take care of first."

Nepeta laughed, then quickly raised a hand over her face, to cover both her mouth and the slight olive blush streaking across her cheeks. "Yes, yes, of course! Well, just troll me whenefur you're done!"

Eridan sheepishly approached the couple, and raised two fingers to Gamzee in a lazy wave. "Hey, Gam, you uh..." he started nervously, "You alright?"

Gamzee shot him a thumbs-up. "Better than I ever been on my motherfuckin' life, palebro," he said contentedly.

Eridan returned his thumbs-up and laughed nervously. He looked over to Tavros. "So, uh, you two got this under control?"

"I think so, yes," Tavros said with a smirk. "If anything happens, I always carry some unhealthy incendiaries on me for emergencies."

Eridan laughed a little more freely this time. "Alright, well, I assume you two'll want some privacy." He tilted a thumb towards Nepeta. "Unless little miss fuckin' voyeur over here wants a free show from you too."

Nepeta slapped his arm playfully. "Of course I don't! Shut up!" Eridan slapped back at her, and the two engaged in a brief slapfight as Tavros and Gamzee looked on laughing. 

Nepeta was the first to propose a ceasefire (or ceaseslap, as it were). "Okay, okay, stop!" she shouted, blocking Eridan's weak slaps with her arms. She turned to Tavros and Gamzee. "Anyway! We should purrobably leave you two alone fur now!"

"Yeah, purrobably," Eridan repeated sardonically, rubbing his aching hands. "Have fun, you two."

"That was the plan, motherfucker," Gamzee said with a thumbs-up.

"Nepeta, I'll troll you when we're ready to post on that memo," Tavros said.

"Sure thing!" Nepeta said. "Talk to you soon!" She turned to walk away, grabbing Eridan's cape in an attempt to pull him along.

"Hey, watch the fuckin' cape," he said, slapping her hand away. He issued a final wave to Tavros and Gamzee, then turned to leave as well. The couple returned the wave, then absconded into Gamzee's hive.

"Well, that went surpurrisingly well!" Nepeta said with a grin.

Eridan just looked away. "Eh, I suppose," he muttered. "Maybe I didn't fuck up as colossally as I imagined."

Nepeta reached over and rubbed his shoulder. "Hey, all's well that ends well, right? Don't worry about it."

He shrugged. "Yeah, I guess."

The two very nearly walked right past Equius, who still had his back turned to the hive and his face shrouded in towel. Nepeta tried to yank the towel away from him, succeeding only in getting him to pull it off of his head. "Equius, what are you doing?"

Equius breathed heavily. "That entire spectacle was so... depraved," he said in a desperately puzzled tone. "That a mere rustblood could best a subjugglator in a poetry slam so effortlessly... and that the highblood would willingly relinquish his flushed quadrant to such a lowborn peasant..." He paused his rambling to wipe the significant perspiration from his brow.

Nepeta just rolled her eyes at him. "Ugh, Equius, just get ofur yourself! Gamzee likes Tavros and Tavros likes Gamzee, and that's all that matters!" She tugged at one of his arms. "Now I think they want a little purrivacy, so let's just go!"

Equius lowered his arms to his sides. "Yes, I think leaving this place would... probably be a good idea," he muttered. Nepeta rolled her eyes at him again, and the three of them headed off for the nearest gate off the planet.

***

CURRENT arsenicCatnip [CAC] RIGHT NOW opened memo on board :33 < THE SHIPPING WALL.

CURRENT caligulasAquarium [CCA] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.
CCA: *the rogue of heart tries to wwalk in wwith a shippin update or some stupid shit like that but the prince of hope sticks a foot out in front of her and trips her*
CCA: *she falls stupid kittycat face first into the fuckin floor and he laughs at her as he takes a swwig of faygo*
CAC: :33 < hey!!!
CAC: :33 < how did you even type that so fast???
CCA: hahaha i typed all that up beforehand and just pasted it right as soon as you opened this stupid memo
CAC: :33 < uuugh, youre such an asshole!!!
FUTURE centaursTesticle [FCT] 4 MINUTES FROM NOW responded to memo.
FCT: D --> Nepeta
CAC: :33 < WHAT, equius????
FCT: D --> 100k
FCT: D --> I completely 100% understand your disliking the seadweller
FCT: D --> But if he bothers you that much, why don't you just ban him
CAC: :33 < beclaws i like calling him a douche to his stupid face!
CAC: :33 < its no fun if he isnt around to respawnd
CCA: yeah eq use your fuckin think pan here
FCT: D --> Hrk
FCT: D --> Ok, fine
FCT: D --> But must you really use such foul vernac001ar
CCA: cmon eq think about this
CCA: if nep had to wwatch her language it wwouldnt be fuckin fair at all
CCA: makin her pull her fuckin punches wwhile im droppin enough f bombs to evvaporate all the fuckin seas on alternia
CCA: so just let your fuckin stupid moirail indulge in a fuckin oath or twwo so wwe can levvel the fuckin playin field a bit
FCT: D --> Why are you encouraging this
CCA: cause i like this little rapport wwevve devveloped here
CCA: its amusin as all fuck
FCT: D --> Ugh
FCT: D --> Fine
FCT: D --> But I abso100tely disapprove of this
CAC: :33 < duly noted!
CAC: :33 < anyway, i have an impurrtant shipping update!
CAC: :33 < tavros, would you care to break the news?
CURRENT adiosToreador [CAT] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.
CAT: wITH PLEASURE,
CAT: wELL, fIRST OF ALL,
CAT: tHE gAMZEE SITUATION, iF YOU WERE AWARE OF IT, hAS BEEN RESOLVED,
CAT: aND SECOND, hE AND i ARE NOW MATESPRITS,
CURRENT terminallyCapricious [CTC] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.
CTC: Shit yeah, motherfuckers!
CTC: Honk honk honk! :o)
CURRENT carcinoGeneticist [CCG] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.
CCG: UH
CCG: GAMZEE?
CTC: Hey, what the fuck is all up, best platonic motherfuckin friend?
CCG: WHY ARE YOU TYPING LIKE THAT?
CTC: Typing like what, motherfucker?
CCG: YOU'RE NOT DOING THAT ANNOYING AS FUCK ALTERNATING CAPS THING.
CCG: OR THE OTHER CREEPY AS FUCK ALTERNATING CAPS THING, FOR THAT MATTER.
CCG: SO BASICALLY, WHAT THE FUCK.
CTC: Awwww fuck man, I didn't even motherfuckin realize that shit.
CTC: I just up and started typin like this all over my motherfuckin own or some shit, I guess.
CTC: Kind of motherfuckin hard to explain why I'd all up and just stop with the annoyin as fuck alternating caps shit.
CTC: Like, before I always felt like there were these two motherfuckin voices screamin to my think pan, fightin for motherfuckin control.
CTC: And then when I went off the slime, it's like they all up and split, takin motherfuckin turns talkin at me.
CTC: But now the only voice I hear is the one of the motherfuckin Verbal Messiah, my main flushbro, Tavros.
CTC: I mean, man, it just feels motherfuckin natural and shit.
CTC: And you just got to be going with what's right at where your heart's up in, you know?
CTC: Honk honk! :oD
CCG: HOLY SHIT.
CCG: THIS IS JUST THE WEIRDEST FUCKING THING I'VE EVER SEEN.
CCG: TAVROS, WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO TO HIM?
PAST arachnidsGrip [PAG] 16 MINUTES AGO responded to memo.
PAG: You want to know what he did?
PAG: He challenged Gamzee to a poetry slam!
PAG: And he COMPLETELY FUCKING DEVAST8ED HIM!!!!!!!!
CAT: oH, hEY vRISKA,
PAG: Tavros! I saw the whole thing on your computer!
PAG: And it was fucking amazing!!!!!!!!
PAG: Like, I don't even know the first thing a8out slam poetry, 8ut you just utterly annihil8ed Gamzee!
CAT: hAHA, yEAH, i GUESS,
PAG: Seriously, the whole thing was awesome!
PAG: Like, even the part 8efore you started rapping, where Equius was all trying to get in your way for whatever stupid reason.
PAG: And you were just like, "Get the fuck out of my way!" and shoved him aside like a ragdoll!
PAG: God, it was soooooooo cooooooool!!!!!!!!
FCT: D --> Er
FCT: D --> Could we not talk about that part
CCG: WAIT, WHAT?
CCG: WHEN THE FUCK DID EQUIUS BECOME SHOVABLE?
CCG: IS THAT EVEN PHYSICALLY POSSIBLE?
CAT: wELL, iT'S NOT LIKE i USED MY ARMS,
CAT: i USED MY BREATH POWERS,
FCT: D --> Ok, seriously
FCT: D --> Can we please not di%uss this
PAG: What's wrong, Equius?
PAG: Angry that you just got utterly shamed by a lowly "rust8100d"?
FCT: D --> Um
FCT: D --> Kind of
PAG: Hahahahahahahaha.
FCT: D --> For the record, mudb100d
FCT: D --> Your performance was e%emplary
FCT: D --> And your skill at slam poetry is tr001y impressive
FCT: D --> I do not often deign to compliment commoners like this, but you are a credit to your caste
CAT: i'M SORRY,
CAT: aRE YOU TALKING TO ME,
FCT: D --> What
FCT: D --> What is this f001ishness
FCT: D --> Of course I'm talking to you
FCT: D --> Which other mudb100d could I be referring to
CAT: sEE, iT'S JUST KIND OF FUNNY,
CAT: bECAUSE YOU NEVER ACTUALLY USED MY NAME,
CAT: aND IT JUST KIND OF SEEMS LIKE IF YOU WANTED TO TALK TO ME, yOU WOULD REFER TO ME BY NAME,
CAT: dOES THAT SEEM REASONABLE TO YOU, eQUIUS,
FCT: D --> Erm
FCT: D --> Are you
FCT: D --> Are you commanding me to refer to you by name
CAT: i'M JUST EXPLAINING A BASIC CONVENTION OF CONVERSATION,
CAT: iT JUST SORT OF SEEMS LIKE COMMON SENSE TO ME,
CAT: oR IS THAT ONE OF MANY THINGS YOU'RE LACKING,
FCT: D --> Ok
FCT: D --> This is starting to make me upset
PAG: Aaaaaaaahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!
PAG: Tavros, this is fucking amazing, keep going!
CCG: WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK IS GOING ON HERE?
CCG: TAVROS, SINCE WHEN DO YOU SASS ANYBODY?
CAT: hAHA, sORRY,
CAT: i'M STILL COMING DOWN FROM THE HIGH OF VERBAL DOMINATION,
CAT: tHIS WHOLE CONFIDENCE THING IS UNUSUALLY EXHILIRATING,
CAT: iT KIND OF MAKES ME FEEL LIKE, sOME KIND OF DEITY,
PAG: Well, if you want to get technical, you ARE a god.
CTC: Technical? Nah, fuck that shit, Tavbro is a literal motherfuckin divinity all up in his own motherfuckin self.
CTC: Born of humble origins, he has suffered the thousand motherfuckin indignities of outrageous fortune and motherfuckin endured.
CTC: And at the motherfuckin end, his most hated motherfuckin foes prostrated before them, and he CONQUERED DEATH ITS MOTHERFUCKIN SELF to claim his rightful motherfuckin place as the King of Kings of Wordtech.
CTC: He is the Verbal Messiah, and I am motherfuckin humbled that I might be his closest motherfuckin disciple.
CAT: uH, gAMZEE, wOW,
CAT: tHAT'S ALL REALLY FLATTERING OF YOU TO SAY,
CAT: bUT REALLY, yOU DON'T HAVE TO WORSHIP ME LIKE SOME KIND OF GOD,
CAT: aND i'D ACTUALLY, uH, pREFER IF YOU DIDN'T,
CAT: iT'S A LITTLE UNCOMFORTABLE, rEALLY,
CTC: Well, shit, it was never my motherfuckin intention to all up and make a brother motherfuckin uncomfortable.
CTC: How all would you prefer on me to motherfuckin treat you?
CAT: wELL, hOW ABOUT WE JUST ACT LIKE THE BEST BROS EVER,
CAT: wHO MAKE OUT SOMETIMES,
CTC: Well, fuuuuck, I think I could motherfuckin manage on that shit.
CAT: tHANKS, gAMZEE,
CTC: Ain't no motherfuckin thing, Tavbro.
CTC: <3
CAT: <3
CCG: WOW, OKAY.
CCG: NEPETA, SHOULD I ASSUME YOU HAD SOME PART IN THIS?
CAC: :33 < actually, no!
CAC: :33 < i didnt plan any of this at all!
CAC: :33 < it was all just sort of a happy coincidence
PAG: Well, you may not have 8een directly responsi8le for it, 8ut you kind of were indirectly.
PAG: I mean, I'm the one who convinced Tavros he should talk to Gamzee a8out 8eing his m8sprit.
PAG: And this whole thing with Gamzee only happened 8ecause Eridan took him off the sopor.
PAG: And all that stuff only happened 8ecause you hooked us up in the first place.
PAG: So I mean, you could kind of claim responsi8ility, if you really wanted to.
CCA: look speakin a the wwhole sopor thing
CCA: gam i really just dropped the fuckin ball here
CCA: i pretty much fucked up this wwhole moirail thing as much as its possible to fuck anything in any givven direction not evven restrictin ourselvves to just up in particular
CCA: an if you dont wwant to be moirails anymore i completely understand
CTC: Bro, you just need to drop that shit right the mother fuck now.
CTC: You ain't the motherfucker what lost his fuckin head, so you got no motherfuckin right blamin any of that shit for yourself.
CTC: I'm the motherfucker what should be apologizin at your own self for all actin as a motherfuckin psychopath.
CCA: gam dont evven wworry about it
CCA: its all physiological shit nothin you can fuckin do about that
CCA: its my fault for fuckin divvin into this wwhole detox thing head first like a fuckin chump
CTC: Eridan, you all had my best interest all up in on your motherfuckin heart, and that's all that motherfuckin matters.
CTC: And shit, even though this all turned up to be a comedy of errors of divine motherfuckin proportions, all that shit up and worked out to the motherfuckin end anyways, so who gives a fuck around the motherfuckin particulars?
CCG: YEAH, ERIDAN, EVEN THOUGH YOU FUCKED UP IN JUST ABOUT EVERY WAY IMAGINABLE, EVERYTHING WORKED OUT PERFECTLY IN SPITE OF IT.
CCG: DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT IS?
CCA: wwhat
CCG: THAT RIGHT THERE IS THE MARYAM-GRUBSTER'S COLLEGIATE DICTIONARY DEFINITION OF A MOTHERFUCKING MIRACLE.
CTC: Ahahahaha, fuck yeah, motherfucker!
CTC: I knew you to all up and be a firm believer in the motherfuckin miracles, invertebrother!
CCA: wwell shit
CCA: cant really argue wwith that noww can i
CAT: aCTUALLY, eRIDAN, i SHOULD BE THANKING YOU,
CAT: tHIS WHOLE SITUATION WAS JUST THE MOTIVATION i NEEDED TO ACTUALLY GO THROUGH WITH THIS,
CCA: really
CAT: yEAH, i MEAN,
CAT: vRISKA CONVINCED ME i SHOULD TALK TO gAMZEE EVENTUALLY,
CAT: bUT THIS WHOLE THING WITH THE SOPOR FORCED MY HAND,
CAT: aND i'M REALLY GLAD IT DID, bECAUSE IT WENT PERFECTLY,
CCA: yeah from your perspectivve i guess it kinda did
CCA: i mean you wwere a fuckin badass back there tavv
CCA: all calm an collected an wwalkin up to this murderous fuckin clowwn an challengin him to a poetry slam like its nothin
CCA: wwhat got you evven up the gumption to all fuckin do the shit like that
CAT: wELL, i MEAN, oBVIOUSLY i WAS SCARED,
CAT: bUT i JUST TOLD MYSELF, lOOK,
CAT: iF YOU HAD ONE SHOT, oR ONE OPPORTUNITY,
CAT: tO SEIZE EVERYTHING YOU EVER WANTED, oNE MOMENT,
CAT: wOULD YOU CAPTURE IT, oR LET IT SLIP,
CAT: aND i KNEW THAT THIS WAS MY ONE SHOT,
CAT: sO i LOOKED DEEP INSIDE MYSELF, aND i FOUND tHE fLOW, AND i JUST SORT OF LOST MYSELF IN THE MUSIC,
CAT: bECAUSE i KNEW AN OPPORTUNITY LIKE THIS COMES ONCE IN A LIFETIME,
CCA: wwell shit
CCA: do you guys really think it isnt that big a deal
CCG: OH, IT'S STILL A COLOSSAL FUCKING DEAL, DON'T GET IT WRONG.
CCG: IT JUST ALL WORKED OUT ANYWAY, APPARENTLY BECAUSE OF SOME INSANE RAP SKILLS TAVROS PULLED OUT OF HIS FUCKING NOOK.
CCG: SO JUST DON'T FUCK UP AS MASSIVELY IN THE FUTURE AS YOU DID TODAY AND EVERYTHING SHOULD BE FINE.
CCA: wwell i think i can manage that
CCA: not really any other problems a this magnitude i can fuckin imagine
CCA: unless it turns out drinkin too much faygo causes murderous clowwn rage too or some inane shit like that
CAT: wOW, i SURE HOPE NOT,
CAT: i'VE BEEN DRINKING THIS STUFF ALL NIGHT,
CAT: aND i THINK MURDEROUS CLOWN RAGE IS THE LAST THING i WANT TO BE SUFFERING FROM RIGHT NOW,
CCG: OH MY FUCKING GOD NO.
CCG: TAVROS, PLEASE TELL ME THAT WAS A JOKE, AND THAT YOU AREN'T ACTUALLY DRINKING THAT HOLOCAUST OF A BEVERAGE YOU CALL FAYGO.
CAT: oKAY, i DON'T REALLY SEE WHAT THE BIG DEAL IS,
CAT: i MEAN,
CAT: iT'S JUST SODA,
CCA: THANK YOU
CAT: i MEAN, sOME OF THESE FLAVORS eRIDAN MADE ARE PRETTY GOOD,
CAT: i LIKE THE CHOCOLATE CHERRY SODA ONE A LOT, aCTUALLY,
CCG: GOD FUCKING DAMNIT.
CCG: THAT IS NOW A FULL QUARTER OF OUR TEAM THAT DRINKS THAT LIQUID WAR CRIME IN A BOTTLE.
CCG: TAVROS, I'M REALLY HAPPY FOR YOU AND GAMZEE BOTH, BUT I JUST ABSOLUTELY FUCKING LOATHE YOU RIGHT NOW.
CTC: Well, shit yeah, brother, what the mother fuck is new?
CAT: yEAH, tHAT'S A FAIR POINT, aCTUALLY,
PAG: Oh hey, I just realized!
PAG: Since 8oth of the moirails of the happy couple are present and accounted for, I think it's juuuuuuuust a8out that time.
PAG: You know what I'm talking a8out, Eridan?
CCA: oh i think i knoww exactly wwhat your fuckin talkin about
PAG: It's time for........
PAG: THE TALK.
CCA: fuck yes the talk
CCA: this is like the best fuckin part a bein palepals
PAG: Gamzee! I'm really glad that you decided to 8ecome Tavros' m8sprit, and I hope you make him the happiest he's ever 8een!
PAG: And if you ever do anything to hurt him, I'll inflict such excruci8ing pain upon you that you'll wish for death, 8ut it will never, ever come!
PAG: Are we a8solutely clear????????
CTC: Clear as motherfuckin crystal Faygo, spidersis.
CTC: Even though Tavbro all worked his motherfuckin pale miracles all over you, frankly you still kinda motherfuckin scare me.
PAG: That's good! You are a8solutely right to 8e scared!
PAG: Spiders may not have a reput8ion for 8eing protective of their young, 8ut if you ever do wrong 8y him, I will fall upon you like a furious mother choler8ear defending her cu8s and rip you apart lim8 8y lim8!
CTC: Shit, you'd all be up on your motherfuckin rights to cull my hurtful ass if I ever got the fuckin idea to do any shit like that.
PAG: Gr8! You have my 8lessings!
PAG: Eridan, your turn.
CCA: wwell shit its kinda hard to followw that but ill do my fuckin best
CCA: tavv i really appreciate evverythin youvve done for gam already
CCA: an im really glad you decided to become his matesprit cause i can tell you he wwanted it more than anything in the fuckin wworld
CAT: oF COURSE, eRIDAN,
CAT: i'M GLAD i COULD HELP YOU AND gAMZEE BOTH,
CCA: an if you evver do anything to harm him ill avvenge myself upon you wwith all the furious fuckin tempest of evvery angel on lowwaa combined
CCA: all the fuckin rap in the wworld wwont be able to savve you once ahabs crosshairs havve pierced a searin hole through your fuckin lungs
CCA: are wwe absolutely fuckin clear on that
CAT: yES, aBSOLUTELY,
CAT: i WOULD NEVER DO ANYTHING TO HURT gAMZEE,
CCA: ok good
CCA: formalities out a the wway im really fuckin happy for the both a you
PAG: Yeah, me too!
PAG: I assume you'll want to spend a little more time together?
CAT: yES, iF THAT'T NOT A PROBLEM,
PAG: No pro8lem at all! I'll just go spend some more time with Kanaya.
CCA: actually vvris if its alright could i talk wwith you after this
CCA: wwanted to put a little more wwork into our little scheme
PAG: Oh yeah, the scheme! I totally forgot a8out that!
PAG: Yeah, I'd 8e up for colla8or8ing on that some more.
CAC: :33 < hey, do you guys want my help, too?
CCA: wwell that depends
CCA: havve you done the reconnaissance yet
CAC: :33 < oh no, i still n33d to do that! XPP
CAC: :33 < ill get on that right away!
CCG: THE SCHEME?
CCG: I ASSUME THIS IS THE BRILLIANT SCHEME TO FIND ERIDAN A MATESPRIT THAT WAS MENTIONED ON THE LAST MEMO.
CCA: maybe maybe not
CCG: LOOK, DO YOU GUYS WANT ANY HELP WITH THAT?
CCG: BECAUSE EVERY ROMCOM BONE IN MY BODY IS SCREAMING AT ME TO GET INVOLVED IN WHATEVER SHENANIGANS YOU'RE PLANNING.
CCA: i really wwish you could kar but theres already like four people invvolvved not evven countin the target
CCA: if this scheme gets any bigger its gonna end up devvourin itself like some kinda horrible romance ouroboros
CCG: YES, I'M ALREADY AWARE OF WHAT AN ENORMOUSLY BLOATED LEVIATHAN THIS PARTICULAR PLOT HAS BALLOONED INTO.
CCG: BUT IF YOU OR NEPETA OR ANYBODY ELSE HAS ANY OTHER RIDICULOUS SHIPPING GAMBITS YOU WANT TO ENACT, COULD YOU PLEASE JUST CALL ME FIRST?
CCG: I'M DYING HERE.
CCA: yeah sure thing kar
CCG: THANK YOU.
CCA: anywway i should probably get goin
PAG: Yeah, me too.
PAG: Tavros and Gamzee, have fun, you two!!!!!!!!
CAT: oH YES,
CAT: fUN IS DEFINITELY THE THING WE'VE BEEN HAVING,
CAT: };)
PAG: Hahahahahahahaha, of course.
PAG: Anyway, I'll see you tomorrow, pro8a8ly?
CAT: yES, mOST LIKELY,
PAG: Gr8! Talk to you then!
PAG: 8ye! <>
CAT: <>
PAG ceased responding to memo.
CCA: yeah you twwo havve plenty a fun
CCA: gam i guess ill hit you up tomorroww at some point
CTC: Sure motherfuckin thing, palebro!
CTC: Honk honk! :o)
CCA: an tavv thanks again for all your help
CAT: iT'S NO PROBLEM, rEALLY,
CAT: i HAVEN'T SLAMMED IN A WHILE, aCTUALLY, sO IT WAS NICE TO GET AN OPPORTUNITY,
CTC: Well, the night's still motherfuckin young, bro.
CTC: Still plenty of motherfuckin time for gettin our rap all up on.
CAT: hEY, yEAH, i SUPPOSE THAT'S A GOOD POINT,
CAT: jUST BECAUSE THE BATTLE IS OVER DOESN'T MEAN THE POETRY HAS TO STOP,
CTC: Well fuck if that ain't just the best motherfuckin sentiment what any motherfucker up and fuckin expressed.
CCA: uh
CCA: yeah
CCA: im just gonna leavve you twwo alone wwith that
CCA: havve fun
CTC: You motherfuckin know it, brother!
CTC: Peace the mother fuck out, palebro!
CTC: <>
CCA: heh yeah
CCA: <>
CCA ceased responding to memo.
CAC: :33 < well, i guess that kinda wraps things up here!
FCT: D --> Er, a%ually, if I may
CCG: OH RIGHT, THIS ASSHOLE'S STILL HERE.
FCT: D --> Highb100d
FCT: D --> While I do not agree with your choosing this ignoble lowb100d serf to be your matesprit
FCT: D --> I am in no place to make an obje%ion
FCT: D --> So I wish you the greatest of happiness
CTC: Equius, I all appreciate your motherfuckin sentiment, but you've got to watch what you motherfuckin say up at Tavbro here.
CTC: You can't just all up and motherfuckin insult my matesprit like that, bro, it's not motherfuckin cool.
FCT: D --> Hrk
FCT: D --> I'm sorry
FCT: D --> It was udderly f001ish of me to cast aspersions on your choice of matesprit
FCT: D --> Please forgive me
CTC: Motherfucker, you shouldn't be apologizing at me, you should be apologizing toward motherfuckin Tavbro.
FCT: D --> Uh
FCT: D --> Is that a command
CTC: Yeah, it kind of motherfuckin is.
FCT: D --> Um
FCT: D --> Ok
FCT: D --> Rustb100d
CAT: i'M SORRY, wHO,
CAT: tHERE ARE SO MANY RUSTBLOODS HERE, i HAVE NO IDEA WHICH ONE IN PARTICULAR YOU'RE REFERRING TO,
FCT: D --> Hrgkfghkrglkhgh
FCT: D --> I mean
FCT: D --> Tavros
CAT: yES, eQUIUS,
FCT: D --> I am
FCT: D --> Tr001y sorry for insulting you
FCT: D --> You are not a%ually an ignoble serf
FCT: D --> And even if you were, that wouldn't necessarily be a bad thing
CTC: >:o(
FCT: D --> Er, I mean, disregard that last statement
FCT: D --> You are 100% worthy of the highb100d
FCT: D --> And it was e%tremely rude of me to imply otherwise
FCT: D --> So I apologize
CAT: tHANK YOU, eQUIUS, i FORGIVE YOU,
FCT: D --> Now, if you have no more orders, I must sign off
FCT: D --> I suddenly require an e%cess of towels
FCT: D --> And also something to break
FCT: D --> A lot of things to break, a%ually
CTC: Yeah, motherfucker, go for it.
FCT: D --> Very well
FCT ceased responding to memo.
CCG: AHAHAHAHA, THAT WAS FUCKING HILARIOUS.
CAC: :33 < h33 h33, it kind of was!
CCG: SERIOUSLY, I USED TO THINK YOU TWO WERE TERRIBLE.
CCG: WHEN DID YOU BECOME SO AWESOME?
CTC: Well, I'd say it's all thanks for the motherfuckin magic of moirallegiance.
CAT: aND SLAM POETRY, oF COURSE,
CTC: Awwww shit, how motherfuckin rude on me to all up and forget the therapeutic powers of motherfuckin slam poetry.
CAT: bUT YEAH, tHIS NEVER WOULD'VE HAPPENED IF IT WEREN'T FOR vRISKA,
CAT: oR eRIDAN, FOR THAT MATTER,
CCG: AND, OF COURSE, ALL THAT COMES BACK TO NEPETA.
CCG: WHY DOES THAT NOT SURPRISE ME?
CAC: :33 < hey, im not taking any credit fur this one!
CAC: :33 < it was all these two and their meowrails!
CCG: I'M STILL GIVING YOU POINTS FOR GENERAL INVOLVEMENT.
CCG: ANYWAY, I GUESS YOU'VE GOT THIS BIG ERIDAN SCHEME YOU'RE WORKING ON, SO YOU DON'T NEED ANY DIRECTION FROM ME.
CCG: UNLESS YOU WANT DIRECTION FROM ME.
CAC: :33 < i do, actually!
CCG: UH, OKAY.
CCG: DO THAT BIG ERIDAN SCHEME YOU'RE WORKING ON.
CAC: :33 < would you like the giggle or not?
CCG: YEAH, LET'S GO WITH THE GIGGLE THIS TIME.
CAC: :33 < h33 h33! sir yes sir!
CCG: EXCELLENT.
CCG: ANYWAY, TAVROS, GAMZEE, I'M GONNA BE HONEST
CCG: I THINK YOUR ENTIRE MATESPRITSHIP IS A LITTLE FUCKING WEIRD.
CCG: BUT AS LONG AS YOU'RE HAPPY WITH EACH OTHER, WHAT THE FUCK DO I CARE.
CCG: REALLY HOPE IT WORKS OUT FOR YOU.
CTC: Well shit, your blessing is motherfuckin appreciated, best platonic friend.
CAT: yEAH, tHANKS, kARKAT,
CAC: :33 < im really happy fur you guys too!
CAC: :33 < and if you efur n33d any advice, youre fr33 to come to me!
CTC: Mighty motherfuckin nice on you to offer, catsister.
CAC: :33 < and dont efur be afuraid to talk to your meowrails about anything either!
CAT: yES, oF COURSE,
CAT: aNYWAY, wE SHOULD PROBABLY GET GOING, tOO,
CAT: tHERE'S SO MUCH POETRY TO COMPOSE, aND SO LITTLE TIME,
CTC: Awwwwww yeah, my motherfuckin flushbro!
CTC: Now that's a motherfuckin sentiment I can all get beside!
CTC: <3
CAT: hAHA, oF COURSE,
CAT: <3
CTC ceased responding to memo.
CAT ceased responding to memo.
CCG: WELL SHIT, OKAY.
CCG: NOT MUCH ELSE FOR ME TO SAY HERE.
CCG: YOU SURE YOU CAN'T DIVULGE A LITTLE MORE INFORMATION ABOUT THIS NEXT SHIPPING GAMBIT OF YOURS?
CAC: :33 < i really wish i could, but its all so delicately balanced already!
CAC: :33 < im sorry, karkitty :((
CCG: NO, IT'S FINE, I GET IT.
CAC: :33 < maybe next time, you can be involved, though!
CCG: YEAH, I'D LIKE THAT.
CAC: :33 < great!
CCG: OKAY, WELL
CCG: I GUESS I'LL GET GOING.
CAC: :33 < okay, bye karkitty!
CCG: YEAH, BYE, NEPETA.
CCG ceased responding to memo.
CAC: :33 < alright, nothing else to say here!
CAC: :33 < guess ill just do the closing narration and be done with it!
FUTURE caligulasAquarium [FCA] 27 MINUTES FROM NOW responded to memo.
FCA: *the rogue of heart tries to get up off the floor but the prince of hope puts a boot on her back and pours out a forty of faygo right on her stupid fuckin head*
FCA: *then he takes her fuckin shoes and leavves because haha got your fuckin shoes noww wwhat the fuck are you gonna do*
CAC: :33 < arrgrghrflkjfkljggkhgfdhg god damnit!!!!
FCA: aaaaahahahahahahaha
CAC banned FCA from responding to memo.
CAC ceased responding to memo.

CAC closed memo.

Chapter 9: Sidelines II

Chapter 9

Sidelines II

cuttlefishCuller [CC] began trolling twinArmageddons [TA].

CC: )(ey Sollux!!
CC: Glub glub glub! 38D
TA: oh, hey ff.
TA: iit 2eem2 liike you've been makiing your2elf 2carce lately, what have you been up two?
CC: O)(, you know, just glubbing around wit)( some fronds!
TA: liike who?
CC: Does it reely matter w)(o?
TA: only iif one of them ii2 vk.
CC: W)(ale maybe one of them was!! >38I
TA: god damn iit, ff, why would you want two be friiends wiith her?
TA: 2he'2 a horriible eviil back2tabbiing friiend-murderiing biitch.
CC: No s)(e isn't!!
CC: S)(e's a cool, funny, attractive girl w)(o's a lot nicer t)(an you're giving )(er credit for!
TA: what the fuck do you mean "attractiive?"
CC: I meant it in just a general sense!
CC: T)(oug)( you )(ave to admit, s)(e IS pretty attractive in t)(e OT)(-ER sense of t)(e word, too...
TA: no ii fuckiing don't.
TA: everythiing about her ii2 viile and repul2iive and ju2t dii2gu2t2 me iin every po22iible way.
TA: urrgh, ju2t thiinkiing about her ii2 pii22iing me off.
CC: )(-E )(-E )(-E!
TA: what?
CC: It's just kind of finny )(ow in denial you are about being black for )(er!
TA: god fuckiing damniit, ff, do NOT 2tart wiith thii2 2hiit.
TA: ii ju2t regular hate her, okay? platoniically.
TA: why ii2 iit 2o hard for people two beliieve thii2?
TA: liike, what part of "2he actually, liiterally ruiined my liife and forced me two kiill the only per2on ii ever cared about" don't people under2tand?
CC: T)(e only person you ever cared about?
TA: ugh, you know what ii meant.
TA: cared about, pa2t ten2e.
TA: obviiou2ly that'2 changed now.
CC: So you don't care about Aradia anymore?
TA: god damn iit, that'2 not what ii meant eiither!
TA: you're mii2iinterpretiing thii2 on purpo2e, aren't you?
CC: Sollux, I'm not accusing you of anyt)(ing )(ere!
CC: I'm just curious is all.
TA: look, ii don't want two talk about thii2 riight now.
TA: ju2t 2top hangiing out wiith vk, okay?
CC: W)(y is it any of YOUR business w)(o I do and don't )(ang out wit)(?
CC: Are you my morayeel or somet)(ing?
TA: really, ff?
TA: diid you 2tart thii2 conver2atiion wiith the expre22 purpo2e of briingiing up every 2iingle thiing ii don't want two talk two you about?
TA: becau2e you're three for three now.
CC: Ug)(, off course knot!
CC: But I mean, t)(e w)(ole "W)(ere )(ave you been? W)(o are you )(anging out wit)(? No, I don't approve of your fronds!" t)(ing seems like an AWFULLY pale line of questioning!
TA: okay, fiine, ii'll admiit i ju2t 2ort of went off there.
TA: 2orry, ff.
CC: It's okay, Sollux.
TA: 2o what diid you want two talk about?
CC: W)(ale...
CC: I just kind of wanted to talk about us.
TA: what do you mean, u2?
CC: I mean, about US!
CC: Look, it's...
CC: It's about quadrants, okay?
TA: ugh, 2eriiou2ly?
CC: Yes, seariously!!
CC: In case you didn't notice, Nepeta's getting R-E-ELY searious about t)(is w)(ole s)(ipping t)(ing!
CC: People are )(ooking up port and starboard rig)(t now!
CC: And I mean, a few days ago, she reeled me into one of )(er s)(ipping sweeps, and s)(e asked me w)(at t)(e deal was between us.
CC: And I was like, "I don't know!"
CC: Because I DON'T know, Sollux!
CC: So kelp me out )(ere!
TA: ff, do we really have two talk about thii2?
CC: I just don't sea w)(y you're so appre)(ensive about t)(is!
CC: I mean, I R-E-ELY like you!
CC: And you R-E-ELY like me too, rig)(t?
TA: of cour2e ii R-E-ELY liike you, ff.
CC: So, I mean, it's a simple question: flus)(ed or pale?
CC: Unless you just want to be fronds. 38/
TA: ff, don't take thii2 the wrong way...
TA: but FUCK ju2t beiing friiend2.
CC: )(-E-E )(-E-E!
CC: O)( no, I agree completely!
CC: So t)(ere's only two c)(oices )(ere! )(ow )(ard is t)(at?
CC: Wait.
CC: O)( cod, I just reelized w)(o I'm talking to!
TA: whoa, okay, hold on a 2econd here...
CC: You're not trying to double down on me, are you??
CC: Trying to pull some kind of matesprit-morayeel double reac)(around or somet)(ing??
CC: Do I need to call up Karcrab wit)( all )(is romantic comedy smarts to tell you w)(y t)(at's a )(ORRIBL-E idea??
TA: ff, giive me a break here, ii'm not THAT 2tupiid.
CC: So w)(at is it?
TA: look, ff, i liike you, okay?
TA: enough two be your mate2priit or your moiiraiil or whatever el2e.
TA: iit ju2t 2eems liike iit'2 a liittle 2oon two be talkiing about thii2.
TA: ii mean, no offen2e, but ii've only known you for liike two week2.
CC: W)(ale, t)(at's true, I guess...
CC: So )(ow long will it be until it's not too soon?
TA: hone2tly, ii kiind of ju2t want two waiit untiil thii2 whole horriible game ii2 over.
CC: W)(AT?!
CC: Seariously?
TA: kiind of, yeah.
CC: Sollux, t)(at's crazy!
CC: I mean, w)(o KNOWS )(ow muc)( longer we could be playing t)(is game?
CC: I like you and all, but I don't know if I can wait t)(at long!
CC: W)(y do we )(ave to wait until after t)(e game?
TA: ff...
TA: okay, you know what?
TA: ii know you're ju2t goiing to bug me about thii2 untiil ii tell you, 2o ii'll ju2t come out wiith it.
TA: iit'2 ju2t...
TA: whenever ii get clo2e to people, bad thiings happen two them.
TA: and ii'm afraiid iif we get two attached two each other, you're goiing two get hurt 2omehow.
CC: I )(ate to ask, but...
TA: ye2, thii2 ha2 2omethiing two do wiith aa.
CC: O)(.
TA: and that wa2 before the game, even.
TA: now we're 2urrounded by mon2ter2 and armiie2 and flamiing braiin2 and all 2ort2 of horriible dangerou2 2hiit.
TA: not to mentiion ii'm now apparently the mage of doom, whiich ii2 a pretty 2hiitty, horriible, paiinfully appropriiate tiitle.
TA: iit'2 not exactly an au2piiciiou2 fuckiing 2iituatiion iin general.
CC: Wow, Sollux, I didn't even reelize it was like t)(at.
CC: Now I feel bad for pressuring you like t)(is. 38(
TA: ju2t don't, okay?
TA: ii realiize ii'm beiing an enormou2 a22hole about thii2.
CC: You're not being a bass)(ole, Sollux!
CC: I mean... Jegus, I can't even IMAGIN-E w)(at it would be like to go t)(roug)( everyt)(ing you )(ave.
CC: )(ave you ever talked to anyone about t)(is?
TA: what do you mean?
TA: ju2t liike iin general?
CC: No, I mean, like, in dept)(!
CC: It just seems like too muc)( to bear wit)(out any kind of emoceanal support!
TA: why would anybody ever want to talk about thii2?
TA: ii mean, fuck, people have plenty of theiir own problem2, why 2hould they care about miine?
CC: W)(ale, maybe you s)(ould find someone w)(o DO-ES care!
TA: liike who?
CC: Like a moirail!
TA: you mean a morayeel?
CC: NO! I mean a moirail, because I'm being super searious rig)(t now!
CC: In fact, )(ere's )(ow searious I'm being:
CC: Sollux, I think you need a moirail.
CC: S-E-E? No quirk or anyt)(ing!
TA: holy 2HIIT that ii2 glubbiing 2eriiou2.
CC: ---EXACTLY!
CC: Glub glub glub! 38)
TA: but why do you thiink ii need a moiiraiil all of a 2udden?
CC: It's not all of a sudden, Sollux!
CC: I've t)(oug)(t you needed a morayeel for a W)(AL-E now!
CC: I mean, you're so moody and depressed all t)(e time.
CC: No, wait, scratc)( t)(at.
CC: You're moody and depressed )(ALF t)(e time.
CC: And you're COMPL-ET-ELY, INSUFF-ERABLY moody and depressed t)(e OT)(-ER )(alf of t)(e time!
TA: FUCK, ff, you're kiilliing me here.
CC: )(-E )(-E )(-E, sorry!
CC: But )(ave you ever t)(oug)(t about t)(is?
TA: well, kiind of.
TA: ii mean, you're riight, ii probably do need a moiiraiil.
TA: but fuck, who would iit even be?
CC: W)(ale, w)(at about Karcrab?
CC: You've been fronds wit)( )(im for a w)(ale, rig)(t?
TA: ugh, ye2.
TA: except he'2 liike the 2hiittiie2t, wor2t friiend ever.
CC: 38?
TA: okay, that wa2 a liittle har2h.
TA: but for 2ome rea2on, we ju2t can't 2eem two talk two each other wiithout pii22iing each other off.
TA: eiither becau2e ii'm a 2mug biipolar douche, or becau2e he'2 a 2elf-ob2e22ed fuckhead who never want2 two admiit when he'2 beiing an a22hole.
CC: W)(o says it can't be bot)(?
TA: man, ff, what the fuck?
TA: you are ju2t beiing completely RUDEBRAZEN today.
TA: ii'm goiing two need a triip to the fuckiing burn ward 2oon.
CC: I was just joking!
CC: Cod, would you just clam down already?
TA: eheh, okay, fiine.
TA: the poiint ii2, kk and ii would have liike the 2hittiie2t moiirallegiiance ever.
TA: god, he'd almo2t make a better kii2me2ii2 than anythiing.
TA: but no, that'2 2tupiid, ii never 2aiid that.
CC: )(a)(a)(a, okay, I never )(eard it!
CC: W)(ale, w)(o else could be your morayeel?
CC: Terezi, maybe? Aren't you fronds wit)( )(er?
TA: tz? hmmmm...
TA: 2he miight actually be a pretty good moiiraiil.
TA: but ii don't know iif 2he'd want anythiing two do wiith me.
CC: W)(y not?
TA: well, what the fuck problem2 doe2 2he have?
TA: that 2he need2 my help wiith, anyway.
TA: the whole thiing would ju2t be me aiiriing out all my dumba22 problem2 and leaviing her two deal wiith iit.
CC: You don't )(ave to )(ave the exact same number of problem as your morayeel, Sollux, t)(at's dumb!
CC: Anyway, I know for a FACT t)(at s)(e DO-ES )(ave problems.
CC: Like t)(is w)(ole t)(ing wit)( Vriska, for one!
TA: oh god.
TA: yeah, THERE'2 a healthy ba2ii2 for relatiion2hiip.
TA: me and tz, the vrii2ka 2erket 2upport group.
TA: 2iign me the fuck up, ii can't waiit.
CC: 38P
CC: W)(ale...
CC: W)(at about me?
TA: ff, do you 2eriiou2ly want two be my moiiraiil?
CC: Sollux, I'd LOV-E to be your morayeel!
TA: really?
CC: Yes, reely!
TA: no offen2e, ff, but that'2 a 2tupiid thiing two want.
CC: >38O
CC: MOR---E LIK---E YOUR FAC-----E IS A STUPID T)(ING TO WANT!!!
TA: holy 2hiit, ff.
TA: why are you so ---EXCIT---ED all of a 2udden?
CC: Because I R--E--ELY want a morayeel, Sollux!
CC: And I t)(ink you and I would be GR---EAT morayeels!
CC: And before you even ask, I'm not saying you )(AV--E to be my morayeel!
CC: T)(is isn't my way of dunking you into the pale zone or anyt)(ing ridiculous like t)(at!
CC: If you just want to be my matesprit and t)(at's all you're interested in, I'm completely fine wit)( t)(at.
TA: no, ff, ii'd be fiine wiith beiing your moiiraiil.
TA: ii just thiink iit'2 kiind of weiird how p2yched you are on the whole thiing.
CC: W)(ale, maybe it IS kind of weird.
CC: -Everyone is always so )(ung up on t)(e concupiscent quadrants, but I've always DR-EAM-ED of finding t)(e perfect morayeel!
CC: I mean, I've never suffered from any s)(ortage of flus)(ed suitors, but bereef it or not, most trolls aren't interested in being moirails wit)( t)(e most dangerous person on Alternia!
CC: T)(e w)(ole reason I was morayeels wit)( -Eridan was because )(e was t)(e first one to ask.
CC: And part of t)(e reason I stuck wit)( it for so long was because I t)(oug)(t nobody else would ever be interested.
CC: I've just... always fis)(ed I could )(ave t)(at bond of trust and )(onesty and commitment wit)( someone.
TA: ...oh.
CC: And )(onestly, t)(e well is starting to dry up )(ere.
CC: I mean, besides you, t)(ere are, w)(at, four ot)(er people w)(o could be my morayeel?
CC: And frankly, you're kind of at t)(e top of my list.
TA: 2eriiou2ly?
CC: Y---EP!
TA: ...you have a lii2t?
CC: Of COURS-E I )(ave a list, Sollux!
CC: It's all scribbled in one of t)(e back pages of my journal, and all t)(e lowercase i's and j's are dotted wit)( little diamonds.
TA: eheheh, niice.
TA: but 2eriiou2ly, you'd con2iider me over anybody el2e?
TA: even 2omebody liike ky?
CC: Kanaya?
CC: S)(e's at t)(e BOTTOM of my list, actually.
TA: whoa, hey, what'2 wrong wiith ky?
CC: T)(ere's not)(ing WRONG wit)( )(er!
CC: It's just... we used to talk a lot back w)(en I was wit)( -Eridan and s)(e was in )(er moirallegiance wit)( Vriska.
CC: And s)(e was always carping about )(ow muc)( s)(e )(ated it and s)(e didn't want to be morayeels wit)( Vriska anymore.
CC: Well, relatively. As muc)( as s)(e carps about ANYT)(ING, anyway.
CC: Meanw)(ale, I'm busting my tailfin trying to salvage t)(ings wit)( -Eridan and I'm just like, "You t)(ink YOU'V-E got problems???"
CC: Like, I'm trying as )(ard as I can to make t)(ings work, because I wanted a morayeel SO BADLY, and s)(e's just trying to blow t)(e w)(ole t)(ing off???
CC: I mean, I guess t)(is w)(ole quadrant-flipping t)(ing explains t)(at, but it doesn't exactly inspire confidence in )(er pale potential!
TA: ff, holy 2hiit.
TA: that'2 the clo2e2t thiing to aniimo2iity you've ever expre22ed toward2 anyone but ed.
CC: W)(... it's not like I )(AT-E )(er or anyt)(ing!!!
CC: I'm just trying to explain my reasoning )(ere!!
TA: eheheh, 2uuuure you don't, ff.
CC: Look, I just take t)(is seariously, alrig)(t?
CC: I just reely want somet)(ing like -Equius and Nepeta )(ave.
CC: Or even more recently, t)(is w)(ole t)(ing wit)( Tavros and...
CC: W)(ale, nevermind. 38/
TA: alriight, a2 much a2 ii don't liike vk, ii have two admiit the whole thiing wiith tv ii2 pretty iimpre22iive.
TA: ii mean, iit doe2n't make up for anythiing, but iit'2 a 2tart.
CC: )(e's kelping )(er too, you know.
CC: In case you didn't notice, s)(e's a lot less weird and angry and spastic t)(an s)(e used to be.
TA: ii diidn't notiice, actually.
TA: and ii probably never wiill.
CC: O)(, w)(at's t)(at?
CC: Do I sea SPAD-ES in t)(e air???
TA: ye2, ye2, ii'm well aware of your liittle theory, ff.
CC: You )(ave to admit, t)(ough, it'd be R-E-ELY nice to )(ave somet)(ing like s)(e and Tavros )(ave.
CC: Or even like w)(at -Eridan and Gamzee )(ave!
CC: I mean, )(ave you S-E-EN t)(ose two recently? It's like t)(ey're completely different people!
TA: yeah, ii kiind of notiiced.
TA: iit'2 2o weiird to 2ee ed apologiiziing for anythiing.
CC: Bereef me, it's BIZARR-E to sea -Eridan apologizing as muc)( as )(e )(as been.
TA: ii'm not 2ure how much of that ii2 becau2e of gz, though.
TA: ii mean, iit'2 been what, two days, and he'2 2uddenly over hii2 liifelong flu2hcru2h and droppiing everythiing for 2ome mystiical caliigiinou2 angel de2cended from the heaven2?
TA: ii don't know 2hiit about moiirallegiiance, but that 2hiit doe2n't happen after one feeliing2 jam.
CC: )(mmmm... it DO-ES seem a little odd w)(en you put it T)(AT way.
CC: If I )(ad to guess, it probably )(as somet)(ing to do wit)( t)(is mysterious blackcrus)( of )(is.
CC: )(e's always been reely )(ung up on )(is black quadrant for some reason.
CC: Always glubbing on about FAT-E and D-ESTINY and finding )(is ON-E TRU-E FUCKIN RIVVAL and all t)(at carp.
CC: But if it's not you and it's not Vriska, I )(ave absolutely NO ID-EA w)(o it could be!
TA: whatever.
TA: ii'm ju2t glad the guy'2 fiinally off my back.
TA: and your2, for that matter.
CC: PS)(, Sollux, don't be glad for MY sake!
CC: I'm )(appy for )(im, )(onestly!
CC: I reely do )(ope t)(is little plan of )(is to find a matesprit works out!
CC: I mean, as long as it's not M-E. 38/
TA: eheheh, yeah, ii'll 2econd that.
CC: O)( wow, R-E-ELY? You'd "S-ECOND" t)(at?
CC: *ROLLS -EY-ES*
TA: well, excuuuuuu2e me iif ii don't get a2 many opportuniitiie2 two make 2tupiid pun2 a2 you do, YOUR IIMPERIIOU2 COD-DE2CEN2IION.
CC: Weeeeeeeeaaaaaaaak. 38P
TA: oh cod, plea2e don't 2tart doiing the vk thiing.
CC: W)(atever!
CC: If I want to type t)(ings in eig)(ts, I'll do it as maaaaaaaany tiiiiiiiimes as I waaaaaaaant!!!!!!!!
CC: Glub glub glub glub glub glub glub glub!!!!!!!! 38888U
TA: ugh.
CC: Okay, okay, it's probably )(ig)( tide t)(is conversation ended.
CC: But t)(ank you for talking to me about t)(is quadrant stuff!
CC: I R-E-ELY appreciate your )(onesty.
TA: uh, yeah, no problem, ii gue22.
CC: But I s)(ould warn you.
CC: One of t)(ese days, Nepeta's gonna target you for one of )(er s)(ipping sweeps, and s)(e won't be N-EARLY as lenient as I've been!
CC: T)(e girl won't take "I don't know yet" for an answer, bereef me!
TA: oh god, ii forgot about that.
TA: maybe ii 2hould ju2t block her now.
CC: Sollux, B-E NIC-E!
CC: S)(e's just trying to kelp everyone, and frankly, s)(e's doing a DAM good job of it!
CC: So just give )(er a c)(ance, alrig)(t?
TA: yeah, yeah, fiine, whatever.
CC: Anyway, I'm gonna go now!
CC: I've got some fronds to glub to.
CC: Fronds w)(o I won't mention by name for no particular reason!
TA: whatever, not liike ii can 2top you.
TA: have fun, ff.
CC: You two, Sollux!
CC: Glub glub! 38)

cuttlefishCuller [CC] ceased trolling twinArmageddons [TA].

***

centaursTesticle [CT] began trolling apocalypseArisen [AA].

CT: D --> Aradia
AA: what
CT: D --> Um
CT: D --> I was simply wondering how you were
AA: im 0k
CT: D --> Are you a%ually
AA: n0
AA: i was just saying that in h0pes 0f av0iding a c0nversati0n
CT: D --> Er
AA: n0t necessarily with y0u in particular
AA: just av0iding c0nversati0n in general
CT: D --> Really
AA: i d0nt kn0w
AA: ribbit
CT: D --> 100k, Aradia, I'm worried about you
CT: D --> You seem distressed by something as of late
AA: i am
CT: D --> Well
CT: D --> What is it
AA: its a time thing
AA: w0uld y0u even understand
CT: D --> I could attempt to
AA: 0k
AA: this wh0le timeline is d00med
AA: weve diverged significantly fr0m the sequence 0f events meant t0 create this universe in the first place
AA: and n0rmally when a timeline is d00med the entr0pic mechanisms 0f the multiverse sl0wly recycle it back int0 the furthest ring destr0ying it in the pr0cess
AA: but this branch is part 0f a large c0llecti0n 0f 0ther timelines that arent being destr0yed f0r s0me reas0n
AA: theyre all definitely d00med and yet the pr0cess 0f their destructi0n has simply halted
AA: its n0rmal f0r d00med branches t0 remain in existence f0r l0ng peri0ds 0f time
AA: s0metimes its even necessary f0r them t0 c0ntribute s0mething 0f significance t0 the alpha timeline
AA: but even in th0se branches the pr0cess 0f destructi0n is taking place albeit at a significantly reduced rate until their c0ntributi0n is c0mplete
AA: d0es any 0f that make sense t0 y0u
CT: D --> Er
CT: D --> No, not really
CT: D --> I fear the whole topic of temporal mechani% e100des me
AA: its 0k
CT: D --> Is it really
AA: yes
CT: D --> Are you abso100tely certain
CT: D --> It 100% to me as if this whole topic weighs heavily on you
CT: D --> And that you have no one to di%uss it with
AA: thats n0t true
CT: D --> What isn't
AA: i have s0me0ne to discuss it with
CT: D --> Who
AA: d0es it matter
CT: D --> I was simply curious
CT: D --> If you tr001y don't wish to answer, I won't pry
AA: 0k
AA: then i d0nt
CT: D --> Ok
CT: D --> But
CT: D --> Aradia
AA: what
CT: D --> Have I done something to upset you
AA: n0
AA: im n0t upset
CT: D --> Then why are you behaving like this
AA: like what
CT: D --> Recently, you have been cold and a100f with me
AA: when have i ever n0t been c0ld and al00f with y0u
CT: D --> Er, pra%ically never
CT: D --> But your disdain 100% to be intensifying
CT: D --> Am I incorre% in reaching this conc100sion
AA: equius
AA: its n0t y0u
AA: its just
AA: i d0nt kn0w
AA: this wh0le d00med timeline thing has me
AA: c0nfused i guess
AA: at first i th0ught i sh0uld jump t0 the alpha timeline to assist in the fight with the black king
AA: but when i saw that the universe wasnt being destr0yed i felt the need to stay behind and study it
AA: and n0w ive learned that i can even visit 0ther timelines with0ut fear 0f destructi0n and i have t0 w0nder why
AA: its like s0me entity has laid 0ut this grand sweeping puzzle f0r me and given me all the t00ls i need t0 s0lve it
AA: but i d0nt kn0w what the puzzle is 0r if theres even any p0int t0 s0lving it in the first place
CT: D --> What entity
AA: s0mething is c0nsci0usly h0lding back the destructi0n 0f these branches
AA: but n0t all 0f them
AA: a few slip int0 0blivi0n every n0w and then
AA: and there must be s0me s0rt 0f pattern t0 it but i cant figure 0ut what it is
AA: i think it wants t0 see things g0 differently
AA: they already have in this particular iterati0n and it seems t0 be g0ing str0ng
AA: and i have t0 w0nder if it wants t0 change
AA: certain things
AA: 0r if im just idi0tically letting myself get my h0pes up
CT: D --> What do you mean
CT: D --> Certain things
AA: its
AA: ribbit
AA: its n0t imp0rtant
CT: D --> Well
CT: D --> Is there nothing I can do to ease your mind
AA: pr0bably n0t
CT: D --> Oh
CT: D --> I'm tr001y sorry to hear that
AA: its n0t y0ur fault
CT: D --> But it sort of is, isn't it
AA: um
AA: h0w s0
CT: D --> Well, we're
CT: D --> Kind of matesprits, aren't we
AA: are we
AA: were we ever really matesprits t0 begin with
CT: D --> Um
AA: w0w that came 0ut harsher than i expected it t0
AA: s0rry
CT: D --> It's ok
CT: D --> I think we have both been und001y la% in e%amining the nature of our relationship
CT: D --> From the beginning it's always been somewhat
CT: D --> Dysfun%ional
AA: kind 0f yes
CT: D --> I have to wonder
CT: D --> Have I ever tr001y made you happy
AA: um
CT: D --> Feel no obligation to di100te your words with me
CT: D --> If a problem e%ists between us, it behooves us both to cut to the heart of the matter
AA: 0k
AA: well
AA: in all h0nesty
AA: n0t really
CT: D --> I see
CT: D --> I'm sorry, Aradia
AA: its 0k
CT: D --> No, it really isn't
CT: D --> It was my intent from the very beginning to force you into a relationship with me
CT: D --> At first literally
CT: D --> For which I tr001y cannot apologize enough
CT: D --> But even now, I feel as though I've
CT: D --> Trapped you
CT: D --> Isolated you from the others by imprisoning you in a cold, intimidating shell of steel and circuitry
CT: D --> Which somehow seems even worse than installing a chip in your heart to manip001ate your feelings for me dire%ly
CT: D --> Ugh
CT: D --> I despise myself
AA: well
AA: we have that much in c0mm0n
CT: D --> What
CT: D --> Despising me
AA: n0
CT: D --> Then
CT: D --> Um
CT: D --> Oh
AA: equius
AA: its n0t that bad
AA: well
AA: 0k it is that bad
AA: but its n0t y0ur fault
CT: D --> How is it not my fault
AA: well
AA: its true that because 0f y0u im a creepy dead girl r0b0t
AA: but if n0t f0r y0u i w0uld just be a creepy dead girl fr0g thing
AA: ribbit
AA: its n0t really a huge difference with regard t0 s0ciability
CT: D --> Oh
CT: D --> I never thought of it that way
AA: besides
AA: its n0t true that im c0mpletely is0lated fr0m every0ne else
AA: i mean its alm0st true
AA: but there is 0ne 0ther pers0n im talking t0
CT: D --> If you don't mind my a%ing
CT: D --> Who is it
AA: its uh
AA: terezi
CT: D --> Oh
CT: D --> Really
AA: yes
AA: shes very g00d at understanding temp0ral mechanics f0r s0me reas0n
AA: shes actually been a great deal 0f help in the investigati0n 0f this wh0le d00med timeline mystery
CT: D --> I see
CT: D --> I'm glad to hear that, a%ually
AA: im glad t00
CT: D --> So
CT: D --> If we were to conc100de our matespritship
CT: D --> Or whatever it is
CT: D --> You wouldn't feel as though I were
CT: D --> Abandoning you
AA: n0
CT: D --> Ok
AA: d0 y0u want t0 end it
CT: D --> Er
CT: D --> Kind of
AA: its 0k equius
AA: y0u sh0uldnt feel 0bligated t0 try t0 maintain 0ur relati0nship if y0u arent happy with it
CT: D --> Do you tr001y believe so
AA: yes
CT: D --> Ok
CT: D --> Then
CT: D --> I think it behooves us both to end this
AA: 0k
CT: D --> Is it really
AA: yes
CT: D --> Ok then
AA: if y0u d0nt mind my asking
AA: what br0ught this 0n
AA: just 0ut 0f curi0sity
CT: D --> Well
CT: D --> I recently had a di%ussion with a friend
CT: D --> And I realized something
AA: y0u d0nt l0ve me anym0re
CT: D --> Er
CT: D --> I'm sorry, Aradia
AA: its 0k
AA: i just wish falling 0ut 0f l0ve was s0 easy f0r 0thers
CT: D --> Oh
CT: D --> Hmm
AA: is there s0me0ne else
CT: D --> What
AA: i mean that y0ure c0nsidering
CT: D --> Well
CT: D --> I had thought of the highb100d
CT: D --> But the mudb100d's intervention has neatly e%tinguished that possibility
CT: D --> So I suppose I'm left with few prospe%s
AA: 0h
AA: im s0rry t0 hear that
CT: D --> There is one other candidate I had considered
CT: D --> Although it seems abso100tely f001ish to think about
AA: wh0 is it
CT: D --> It's
CT: D --> Um
CT: D --> The heiress
AA: what
AA: feferi
AA: seri0usly
CT: D --> Yes
AA: 0_0
AA: w0w
AA: thats weird
CT: D --> I know, the whole idea is udderly 100dicrous
AA: n0 i mean
AA: its n0t the idea thats weird
CT: D --> Then what
AA: its
AA: um
AA: nevermind
AA: anyway if y0ure seri0us i think y0u sh0uld pursue her
CT: D --> What
CT: D --> Really
AA: abs0lutely
AA: i think y0u tw0 w0uld be great f0r each 0ther
CT: D --> Seriously
AA: yes
AA: im c0mpletely certain 0f that suddenly
CT: D --> Wow
CT: D --> I have to say, I didn't e%pect this rea%ion from you
CT: D --> I thought you might disapprove
AA: really equius if y0u think y0u tw0 w0uld be happy t0gether i abs0lutely enc0urage y0u t0 g0 f0r it
CT: D --> Um
CT: D --> Wow, ok
CT: D --> Thank you, Aradia
AA: its n0thing really
CT: D --> Well
CT: D --> I was afraid this conversation would become awkward
CT: D --> But it 100% to have gone e%tremely smoothly
AA: i guess s0
CT: D --> So
CT: D --> Have you given any consideration to your quadrants
AA: um
AA: n0t really
AA: ive been t00 f0cused 0n this wh0le weird time thing
CT: D --> Well
CT: D --> Perhaps you should
AA: i think id rather f0cus 0n s0mething with a little m0re h0pe
AA: like the destructi0n 0f 0ur universe and everything in it
CT: D --> Ha
AA: 0_0
CT: D --> Er
CT: D --> That was a joke, corre%
AA: kind 0f
AA: ribbit
CT: D --> Well
CT: D --> In any case, I wish you luck
CT: D --> And I hope you can find some e100cidation on this whole timeline incident
AA: thank y0u
AA: and i really d0 enc0urage y0u t0 pursue feferi if y0u believe she w0uld make y0u happy
CT: D --> Yes, thank you
CT: D --> Well
CT: D --> I suppose I've wasted enough of your time
AA: believe me
AA: time is the 0ne thing 0f which i have n0 sh0rtage
CT: D --> Ha
CT: D --> I suppose so
CT: D --> I'm
CT: D --> I'm tr001y glad this hasn't caused any bad b100d to e%ist between us
AA: 0f c0urse
AA: i d0nt hate y0u 0r anything equius
AA: i want y0u t0 be happy
AA: and if its n0t with me
AA: well
AA: im 0k with it
CT: D --> Thank you, Aradia
CT: D --> I wish you the greatest of happiness as well
AA: thanks equius
AA: even th0ugh were b0th really messed up
AA: i think well b0th turn 0ut 0k
AA: 0u0
CT: D --> Um
AA: it l00ks stupid i kn0w
CT: D --> It's
CT: D --> It's not that bad
AA: equius
CT: D --> Ok, it 100% terrible
CT: D --> But I agree with the e%pressed sentiment regardless
AA: thats g00d
AA: im glad y0u were able t0 f0cus 0n the imp0rtant part
CT: D --> Of horse
CT: D --> There's no need to fi%ate on f001ish emoticons
CT: D --> That would be filly
AA: ha
AA: well
AA: i guess i sh0uld g0
CT: D --> Yes, I suppose you have better things to do
CT: D --> So
CT: D --> Goodbye, Aradia
AA: bye equius

apocalypseArisen [AA] began trolling centaursTesticle [CT].

***

arachnidsGrip [AG] began trolling grimAuxiliatrix [GA].

AG: Heeeeeeeey Fussyfangs. <3
GA: Oh Hello Vriska
GA: Um
GA: Are You Really Using That Nickname Again
AG: Is that okay?
AG: I mean, just so we're clear, it's supposed to 8e a term of endearment.
GA: Seriously
AG: I already told you, Kanaya!
AG: Your fussiness is one of the things I love a8out you the most!
GA: I Still Find That A Little Hard To Believe
AG: Whaaaaaaaat????????
AG: What's so hard to 8elieve a8out me loving 8eing 8ugged and fussed over and meddled with 8y you?
GA: Um
GA: Maybe That Those Were All Things You Complained About Incessantly When We Were Moirails
AG: Kanaya, it's all a8out context.
AG: I mean, when we were moirails, the 8ugging and fussing and meddling was all a8out tripping me up and getting in the way of my schemes.
AG: 8ut now that we're m8sprits, it's all pretty clearly 8enign in n8ure, and it turns out that I kind of get off on that kind of thing.
GA: Well
GA: I Suppose Its Only Natural That You Would Derive Some Sort Of Weird Pleasure From Being The Center Of Attention
AG: Yeah, exa........
AG: W8, that was a 8urn, wasn't it????????
AG: Kanaya Maryam, you just snuck a 8urn in on me!!!!!!!!
GA: Yes I Suppose I Did Didnt I
AG: See, that's another thing I like a8out you, Kanaya, you're sassy!
AG: 8ut you're sneaky a8out it, too.
AG: You're like some super sneaky asSASSin, sneaking little pithy 8urns in on people and then fleeing the crime scene 8efore they even realize they've 8een 8urned.
AG: It's kind of completely amazing.
GA: Wow Vriska Youre Making Me Blush Here
GA: What Did I Do To Deserve This Flattery
AG: Who says you had to do anything to deserve it?
AG: May8e I just feel like flattering you!
GA: Vriska Dont Get Me Wrong Its All Greatly Appreciated
GA: But Its Pretty Obvious That You Want Something From Me
AG: Okay, okay, so it is.
AG: God, you can just read me like a 8ook, can't you????????
GA: Do You Want Me To Stop
AG: No, as a matter of fact, I don't!
AG: I think that's a little kinky too. <3
GA: You Just Find The Strangest Things Arousing
AG: Maaaaaaaan, don't you even judge me, little miss rain8ow drinker roleplayer girl!!!!!!!!
GA: Haha Okay Fair Enough
GA: So What Exactly Did You Require Of Me
AG: Well, I realize this is a8surdly 8razen of me to ask you........
AG: 8ut I wanted you to m8ke me a few costumes.
AG: And yes, I remem8er what happened the LAST time you m8de a costume for me, 8ut it's not anything like that, I swear!!!!!!!!
GA: I Wasnt Going To Say Anything
AG: You were totally going to say something.
GA: Really I Wasnt
AG: Kanaya, you would've had every right to say something!!!!!!!!
AG: I just totally used you for something and I hurt your feelings and it wasn't cool at all, okay?
GA: Vriska Thats All In The Past
GA: We Were All Confused And Didnt Really Know How To Express Our Feelings In The Healthiest Of Ways
GA: But It Doesnt Matter Anymore So Can We Just Drop It
AG: Well, I still feel really shitty a8out it, 8ut okay.
GA: Anyway Id Be Happy For An Opportunity To Do Some More Tailoring
GA: What Kind Of Costumes Did You Have In Mind
AG: Well, here's the thing.
AG: I kind of got the urge recently to do a little FLARPing.
GA: Oh
GA: Really
AG: 8ut not the dangerous kind!!!!!!!!
AG: Just a little nonlethal, most-holds-8arred roleplaying 8etween friends.
AG: Or kinda-sorta friend-enemies, as it were.
AG: I just want a chance to resolve our differences and 8low off a little steam without murdering each other.
GA: Oh
GA: Well That Doesnt Sound So Bad I Guess
AG: I should certainly hope so!
AG: If it sounded 8ad, no8ody would even think of particip8ing.
GA: So Youll Want Costumes For The Characters Of All The Participants I Assume
AG: Of course!
AG: It will 8e the final showdown 8etween Marquise Spinneret Mindfang and Neophyte Redglare, so we'll need costumes for me and Terezi.
AG: And you should pro8a8ly go ahead and make one for Eridan, too.
AG: Wherever Mindfang goes, it's a safe 8et to assume Orphaner Dualscar won't 8e far 8ehind.
GA: Okay
GA: I Hate To Ask But
GA: This Isnt Part Of Some Sort Of Scheme Is It
AG: Well, that depends. What kind of scheme are you talking a8out?
GA: Well Between The Presence Of Terezi And Eridan I Kind Of Have To Wonder If This Isnt Some Sort Of Elaborate Black Solicitation
AG: Whoa, hey, no, let's get one thing clear right now!
AG: I am NOT waxing 8lack for either of those two, alright????????
AG: I mean, I know Eridan and I had a thing, 8ut that's all totally water under the 8ridge now.
AG: He is my 8usiness associ8, and that's it.
AG: And as for Terezi, well........
AG: I don't h8 her, alright?
AG: I still feel like shit for 8linding her, actually.
AG: 8ut yeah, no, I don't even have a hoof8east in this race, trust me.
GA: But You May Or May Not Still Have Some Sort Of Scheme
AG: Yes, I may or may not!
AG: Unfortun8ely, I'm sworn to secrecy on the matter.
GA: So You Do Have A Scheme
AG: I never said that!!!!!!!!
AG: How do you know I don't have a policy of swearing secrecy on the matter of my schemes even when I don't have any schemes????????
GA: Because
GA: Thats Kind Of Stupid
AG: It's not stupid, it's 8rilliant!!!!!!!!
AG: Anyway, if I did have a scheme, which I may or may not, it's all completely 8enign, alright?
AG: I'm not trying to get any8ody hurt here.
GA: Well
GA: Thats Believable Enough I Guess
GA: So Did You Have Any Specifications About The Costumes
AG: Just a few.
AG: First of all, historical accuracy is PARAMOUNT.
AG: As much as I'd love to let you get cre8ive with the outfits, I want the whole thing to 8e completely immersive.
GA: So For Mindfangs Outfit Youd Be Looking For Some Sort Of Black And Cerulean Gamblignant Attire
GA: Paired With A Hideous Garish Pair Of Bright Red Boots
AG: They aren't hideous!!!!!!!!
AG: Come on, Kanaya, the 8oots are 8adass, they're like the 8est part of the outfit!!!!!!!!
GA: I Just Kind Of Wish The Idea Of Color Coordination Existed A Thousand Sweeps Ago
GA: Like Why Couldnt The Boots Just Be A Little Darker Red
AG: So, what, more like........ maroon?
GA: Yes Whats Wrong With
GA: Um
GA: Oh
AG: ::::/
GA: Well Okay
GA: What About The Opposite
GA: Brightening Up The Cerulean On The Main Outfit So It Didnt Clash So Much With Your Footwear
AG: So what, you want me to par8de around in 8right red and 8lue like some kind of 8ipolar psychic douche8ag????????
GA: Urrgh Nevermind
GA: Ill Concede To Your Ridiculous Demands For Now
GA: But If You Ever Flarp After This Youre Letting Me Design Some Costumes That Are A Little More Fashion Conscious
GA: Are We Absolutely Clear On That
AG: Okay, okay, fiiiiiiiine!
AG: Jegus, Kanaya, you are so fussy!
AG: (And I love it <3)
GA: Haha Of Course
GA: Well Ill Get Started On Them Right Away
AG: That's gr8! Thank you, Kanaya!
GA: Its My Pleasure Really
GA: And Speaking Of Pleasure Would You Happen To Want Me To Fit You For Your Own Outfit Personally
AG: Uh, that miiiiiiiight not 8e a good idea.
AG: You remem8er what happened the last time we tried that, don't you?
GA: Um
GA: Yes
GA: Im Really Sorry For That By The Way
GA: Its Just You Were Standing There With Barely Any Clothing On While I Worked My Hands All Over You And I Got A Little
GA: Distracted I Guess
AG: Hahahahahahahaha, don't 8e sorry, Kanaya!!!!!!!!
AG: 8elieve me, I could've stopped you if I'd wanted to.
AG: And I didn't stop you, now did I?
AG: :::;)
GA: Oh My
GA: Miss Serket Youre Making Me Blush Again
AG: You know, Kanaya, for this whole "8lushing swooning maiden" shtick you like to play up, I can't help 8ut notice you seem to 8e the one to initi8 these things more often than not.
AG: It reeeeeeeeaaaaaaaally m8kes me wonder sometimes........
GA: You Knew What You Were Getting Into When You Entered This Relationship Vriska
GA: Rainbow Drinkers Are Passionate And Aggressive Lovers
AG: Oh Jegus, not the rain8ow drinker thing again!
AG: Okay, just for the record, the whole 8itey thing in general is amazing and I love it.
AG: 8ut the thing where you pretend to 8e a rain8ow drinker is so goddamn ridiculous I can't help 8ut laugh at it.
GA: I Really Wish You Wouldnt Laugh Vriska
GA: I Mean Its Not Even That Im Offended Or Anything
GA: It Just Completely Breaks My Immersion Is All
AG: Awwwwwwww, I'm sorry, Fussyfangs.
AG: I'll try to 8e a little more consider8 in the future, okay?
GA: Thank You Vriska
GA: <3
AG: Anything for you, Kanaya!
AG: Aaaaaaaanyway, as fun as it would 8e to........ distract you from m8king my outfit, I really don't want to disrupt the cre8ive process.
AG: These costumes have to 8e perfect!
AG: In fact, eeeeeeeeverything has to 8e perfect!!!!!!!!
AG: I've got a lot of irons in the fire, and they're all hinged on this one night, so if even one thing goes wrong, the whole thing will fall apart!
AG: And then the irons will fall on the floor and they'll all get 8ent out of shape, 8ecause they're all hot and mallea8le.
AG: And I don't like 8ent irons, Kanaya.
AG: I fucking h8 them.
GA: Um
AG: 8ut hey! No pressure or anything!
AG: Just do your 8est on them, and I'm sure they'll turn out perfectly!
GA: Of Course Vriska
GA: Ill Settle For Nothing Less Than Perfection
GA: So I Can Assure You You Wont Be Disappointed
AG: Gr8! Thanks again, Kanaya! I really appreci8 this!
AG: And while I don't want to 8ug you while you're working on my costume, I might 8e willing to come over once you're done and........ try it on.
AG: :::;)
GA: Oh My
GA: Yes I Do Believe Id Like That A Great Deal
GA: But I Wouldnt Be Dragging You Away From Anything Would I
GA: I Understand Youve Been Spending A Lot Of Time With Tavros Recently
AG: Tavros? Oh, no, he's with Gamzee right now!
AG: They're off doing quests on LOTAM or something.
GA: Oh
GA: Theyre Adventuring
GA: I Thought That Was Kind Of A Thing For You And Tavros
AG: Well, yeah, it kind of is.
AG: 8ut the whole point of all this shipping stuff was to get our emotional shit together and m8ke us focus on the task at hand.
AG: And I don't want our glorious leader going off at us 8ecause all we ever do is w8ste time on feelings jams and sloppy makeouts!
GA: But
GA: All We Ever Do Is Waste Time On Sloppy Makeouts
AG: Hahahahahahahaha, yeah, I guess that's true!
AG: Hey, may8e you and I should do some adventurin' sometime!
AG: You haven't done many quests on your planet, have you?
GA: I Havent Done Any Actually
GA: But The Whole Situation Is Kind Of Complicated
GA: Namely I Dont Have Any Consorts Because Almost The Entirety Of The Planet Is Underwater And It Will Stay That Way Until I Figure Out How To Light The Forge
GA: Which Up Until Recent Events Had Been The Main Thing I Was Beating My Head Against Ineffectually
AG: Oh.
AG: Well shit. ::::/
GA: Its Okay
GA: Im Sure Ill Figure It Out Eventually
GA: And Once I Do We Can Do All The Questing In The World
AG: Yeah!!!!!!!! That sounds gr8!!!!!!!!
GA: Besides I Wouldnt Want To Distract You Right Now
GA: Youve Got This Whole Flarping Thing Planned
AG: Well, sure, 8ut I've always got time for you, Kanaya.
AG: I'd never 8low you off for anything!
GA: Well Thank You Vriska
AG: I mean........
AG: Alright, look, there's something I need to talk to you a8out.
GA: Oh
GA: Of Course Vriska What Is It
AG: Well........
AG: It's a8out Tavros.
GA: Is There Some Sort Of Problem Between You Two
AG: No! There's no pro8lem at all!
AG: Well, I mean, there kind of is a pro8lem? Sort of?
AG: Arrrrrrrrgh, this is really hard to explain, especially to you!
GA: Its Okay Vriska
GA: I Wont Judge You Or Anything
AG: Well, the thing is........
AG: Okay, look, I'm pale for him, alright? Pale as a rain8ow drinker.
AG: And I'm pretty sure he's just as pale for me.
AG: 8ut recently, I've found myself really........ attracted to him.
AG: Like, in a not so pale way, if you know what I mean.
GA: Oh
GA: Uh
GA: Wow
AG: I mean, I'm still flushed for you, Kanaya!!!!!!!!
AG: I'm flushed as FUCK for you, and nothing's EVER gonna change that!!!!!!!!
AG: It's just........ I'm really afr8d all these feelings I'm having for Tavros are going to ruin things 8etween me and him, or 8etween me and you.
AG: Or even 8etween him and Gamzee, for that matter!
AG: I mean, the whole reason I encouraged him to go after Gamzee in the first place is 8ecause I thought it'd help get my mind off him.
AG: I figured he'd do something sweet and adora8le and they'd 8ecome m8sprits and that would 8e the end of it.
AG: 8ut instead he did something COMPLETELY FUCKING 8ADASS and it just made my crush on him even worse!!!!!!!!
AG: And I don't know what to do a8out it and it's really stressing me out and I feel so horri8le for having all these stupid feelings.
GA: Vriska
GA: Are You Honestly Telling Me That You Feel Guilty Towards Me For Having Flushed Feelings For Your Moirail
AG: Kanaya, it's not like what happened 8etween me and you!!!!!!!!
AG: I mean, were you ever really pale for me in the first place?
GA: Well
GA: No Not Really
AG: Yeah, and I was never too hot on the idea either.
AG: 8ut I'm INCREDI8LY pale for Tavros, and he is for me too!
AG: And I really love helping him and dealing with his pro8lems and having feelings jams and adventures with him, and I'm scared I'm gonna ruin all that with this stupid little crush on him.
AG: Ugh, I really h8 myself sometimes.
GA: Vriska
GA: Look
GA: This Is Going To Sound Completely Insane Coming From Me
GA: But Maybe You Should
GA: Act On It
AG: Wh8t????????
GA: I Mean
GA: Moirails Are Supposed To Help Each Other With Their Problems
GA: And If Its A Problem That Youre Attracted To Him Then Maybe You Should Attempt The Um
GA: The Most Obvious Thing To Solve The Problem
AG: Kanaya, are you seriously telling me to........
AG: To do stuff with him????????
GA: Im Just Saying Maybe You Should Try It
GA: Just Once
GA: Just To See If It Helps
AG: Well, I........ GUESS that sounds reasona8le enough.
AG: And I guess if it doesn't work, we can just write the whole thing off as a 8ig mist8ke and move on.
AG: 8ut what if it does work, 8ut not completely?
AG: And it ends up 8ecoming a thing we have to do, uh........
AG: Regularly?
GA: Honestly Vriska
GA: What You And Your Moirail Do In The Privacy Of A Feelings Jam Isnt Really My Business
GA: Or Anyone Elses For That Matter
GA: And If Whatever You Do Ends Up Solving Your Problem Then It Doesnt Really Matter To Me What Specifically You Did To Solve It
GA: Especially If It Makes Things Easier For Your Moirallegiance
AG: Wow.
AG: I mean........
AG: You'd seriously 8e okay with that?
GA: If It Were Anyone Else Id Have A Problem With It
GA: But Tavros Is Your Moirail
GA: And The Bond Of Moirallegiance Is A Deep Personal Connection That Even I Dont Really Understand All That Well
GA: Frankly Im Not Really Sure How Intimate Is Too Intimate As Far As Activities Between Moirails Go
GA: Especially Since We Did Some Questionable Things Together When We Were Moirails And The Things In And Of Themselves Never Seemed To Cause Any Problems Between Us
GA: Honestly I Think Whatever You Do Is Okay As Long As Youre Doing It For The Sake Of Saving Your Moirallegiance And Not As Part Of Some Horrible Selfish Manipulative Quadrant Flipping Gambit
AG: Man, Kanaya, don't even start with this again!!!!!!!!
AG: I already told you, I don't 8egrudge you for anything you did when we were moirails!
AG: You didn't manipul8 me into anything! I was already flushed for you and I was just in complete impenetra8le denial a8out it.
AG: And yeah, if you'd 8een more direct a8out your feelings with me, it would've saved us 8oth a lot of grief.
AG: 8ut if I hadn't 8een as dense as fucking lead, I would've noticed your feelings sooner, and the same 8asic logic applies!
AG: We were 8oth 8eing completely stupid a8out it, 8ecause we're only six sweeps old and 8eing stupid is 8asically our fucking specialty.
AG: So just drop this whole thing a8out what an awful moirail you were, 8ecause you fucking WEREN'T, alright????????
GA: I
GA: I Really Wish It Were That Easy Vriska
GA: But I Just Feel Completely Terrible About It
GA: And Im Not Really Sure What I Can Do
AG: Well, may8e you should find another moirail.
GA: Seriously
AG: Yes, seriously, Kanaya!!!!!!!!
AG: Honestly, I think you'd 8e a gr8 moirail for pretty much any8ody!
AG: Except me, of course.
GA: I Dont Know
GA: I Feel Like After What Happened Between Us Nobody Would Even Want Me As Their Moirail
AG: Kanaya, we were a 8l8ant mismatch, and every8ody knows it!
AG: A8solutely no8ody's gonna judge you 8ased on our moirallegiance.
AG: And if they do, well, fuck them!!!!!!!!
GA: Heh
GA: Maybe Youre Right
GA: But Honestly I Just Dont Feel Like Looking For A Moirail Right Now
AG: Well, suit yourself, I guess.
AG: I'm not your moirail, so I can't really tell you what to do.
AG: I just h8 to see you 8eating yourself up over stupid shit like this.
GA: Thanks Anyway Though
GA: And Honestly Whatever You Decide To Do With Tavros I Wont Think Less Of You For It
GA: You Two Are Really Good For Each Other And You Should Do Whatever It Takes To Preserve Your Relationship
GA: Even If It Would Look Like Infidelity On The Face Of It
AG: Really?
GA: Yes Really
GA: Were Matesprits Vriska
GA: Unconditional Love Is Kind Of A Fundamental Part Of The Equation
AG: Well, if you're really okay with it, I guess I could talk to him a8out it.
AG: Thanks for 8eing so understanding a8out this, Kanaya.
GA: Its No Problem Really
GA: Besides I Highly Doubt He Can Do The Bitey Thing Anywhere Close To As Well As I Can
AG: Hahahahahahahaha, yeah, you're pro8a8ly right.
AG: Even if I do........ attempt anything with Tavros, it won't mean you'll see any less of me in the slightest, 8elieve me!
GA: Thats All That Really Matters To Me
AG: Alright, well, I should pro8a8ly get going.
AG: I've got accomplices who I can't name who I need to talk to a8out schemes I may or may not have regarding irons that may or may not 8e in the fire at this very moment.
GA: Haha Whatever
AG: Hey, don't laugh!!!!!!!!
AG: This may or may not 8e serious 8usiness!!!!!!!!
GA: Okay Then I May Or May Not Stop Laughing
AG: Hahahahahahahaha, fair enough.
AG: Troll me when my outfit's done, okay?
AG: I'll 8e there to try it on faster than you can say, "My goodness, I do wish Miss Serket were here to undress at my discretion!"
GA: But Of Course
GA: Im Not Going To Rush Anything
GA: But Needless To Say I Will Complete The Costume To Your Specifications As Quickly As Possible
GA: <3
AG: Hahahahahahahaha, riiiiiiiight.
AG: <3
AG: Anyway, 8ye, Kanaya!
GA: Goodbye Vriska

arachnidsGrip [AG] ceased trolling grimAuxiliatrix [GA].

Chapter 10: Irons in the Fire

Chapter 10

Irons in the Fire

arsenicCatnip [AC] began trolling gallowsCalibrator [GC].

AC: :33 < *the furry impurrtant pouncellor marches up to gcs hive and pawnds authoritatively on her door*
AC: :33 < *she cups her hands and shouts through the door:*
AC: :33 < miss pyrope!!! purrsent yourself!!
AC: :33 < i have a warrant to subject you to a shipping sw33p!!!
GC: >8O
GC: *TH3 M1GHTY 4ND M4J3ST1C L3G1SL4C3T4TOR SW1NGS H3R DOOR OP3N, BR1STL1NG W1TH 1ND1GN4T1ON 4T TH3 4UD4C1TY OF TH3 POUNC3LLORS D3M4NDS!*
GC: POUNC3LLOR, YOUV3 GOT 4 LOT OF N3RV3 M4K1NG SUCH BOLD D3M4NDS OF 4 LEG1SL4CER4TOR!
GC: 4ND 1 SHOULD V3RY MUCH L1K3 TO 4PPR41S3 TH3 V3R4C1TY OF YOUR SO-C4LL3D W4RR4NT MYS3LF!
AC: :33 < furry well, legislacerator!
AC: :33 < *the pouncellor removes a writ furom the folds of her robe and unfurls it, purrsenting it to gc*
AC: :33 < *the writ is a request fur a shipping sw33p bearing the seal of her impurrious condescension herself*
GC: *TH3 L3G1SL4C3R4TOR T4K3S ON3 LOOK 4T TH3 WR1T 4ND BURST 1NTO UPRO4R1OUS L4UGHT3R!*
GC: 1 DONT 3V3N N33D TO 1NSP3CT TH1S DOCUM3NT CLOS3LY TO T3LL YOU 1TS 4 FORG3RY!
GC: SH1PP1NG SW33PS 4R3 H4NDL3D BY TH3 1ND1GO BLOODS! H3R 1MP3R1OUS COND3SC3NS1ON WOULD N3V3R ST4MP SUCH 4 R3QU3ST D1R3CTLY!
AC: :33 < *s33ing miss pyropes legislative expurrtise fursthand, the pouncellors confurdent facade begins to crack!*
AC: :33 < well... this was a special case!
GC: 1F 1 W3R3 TO 3X4M1N3 TH1S WR1T MYS3LF, 1M SUR3 1 COULD F1ND 4 THOUS4ND 4ND ON3 MOR3 FL4WS 1N IT
GC: BUT 1NST34D OF W4ST1NG 4NY MOR3 T1M3, 1LL S1MPLY 4SK YOU TH1S
GC: *TH3 L3G1SL4C3R4TOR SUDD3NLY R41S3S H3R SWORD-C4N3 TO PO1NT 4T TH3 POUNC3LLOR*
GC: WHO S3NT YOU?
AC: :33 < *the pouncellor quickly crumples the writ in her hands and takes a nervous step back, a fierce look on her face*
AC: :33 < thats not any of your business!
AC: :33 < look, miss pyrope, why dont you just coopurrate with me?
AC: :33 < i would hate to have to resort to... violence
AC: :33 < *she motions to the two shipping drones standing behind her*
GC: COOP3R4T3 W1TH 4 ROGU3 POUNC3LLOR W13LD1NG 4 FR4UDUL3NT L3G4L DOCUM3NT 4ND 4TT3MPT1NG TO CO3RC3 M3 W1TH NO DOUBT 1LL1C1TLY OBT41N3D SH1PP1NG DRON3S??
GC: 1LL P4SS, TH4NK YOU
AC: :33 < i dont think you understand, miss pyrope
AC: :33 < you dont really have a choice in the matter!
AC: :33 < *the pouncellor steps aside and points her lion-headed cane towards the legislacerator*
AC: :33 < drones! ship this woman!
AC: :33 < *the shipping drones suddenly lurch towards gc!*
GC: *L4CK1NG TH3 SP4C3 N3C3SS4RY TO F1GHT TH3M 1N H3R DOORW4Y, TH3 L3G1SL4C3R4TOR W1THDR4WS 1NTO H3R FOY3R*
AC: :33 < *the drones fall in to the foyer, and the pouncellor follows them, pulling the lions head furom her cane to reveal a long, deathly sharp blade!*
AC: :33 < *one of the drones advances towards gc, tentatively thrusting at her with its claws!*
GC: *TH3 L3G1SL4C3R4TOR B4TS TH3 DRON3S CL4WS 4W4Y W1TH HER SWORD-C4N3, B1D1NG H3R T1M3 UNT1L SH3 C4N F1ND 4 CH4NC3 TO STR1K3*
AC: :33 < *suddenly gc s33s the second drone advancing toward her!*
GC: *TH3 L3G1SL4C3R4TOR M4N3UV3RS 4ROUND TH3 F1RST DRON3 UNT1L 1T ST4NDS B3TW33N H3R 4ND TH3 S3COND*
AC: :33 < *the furst drones continues its assault on gc, but its suddenly interrupted by the second drone bumping into it*
AC: :33 < *it reflexively turns around and swings one of its claws at it in retaliation!*
GC: *S331NG TH3 P3RF3CT OPPORTUN1TY TO STR1K3, TH3 L3G1SL4C3R4TOR THRUSTS H3R SWORD-C4N3 1NTO TH3 DRON3S B4CK!*
AC: :33 < *with a lucky thrust, the legislacerators sword-cane pierces the drones central purrocessing stem!*
AC: :33 < *it collapses in a heap, showering sparks efurrywhere!*
GC: *TH3 L3G1SL4C3R4TOR PULLS H3R SWORD-C4N3 OUT OF THE F4LL3N DRON3S B4CK AND L4UGHS TR1UMPH4NTLY!*
AC: :33 < *befur gc has too much time to gloat, she s33s the pouncellor lunging at her with her cane-sword, screaming furociously!*
GC: *THE L3G1SL4C3R4TOR 34S1LY DODG3S TH3 H1GHLY T3L3GR4PH3D 4TT4CK, TH3N R3T4L14T3S W1TH 4N OV3RH34D SW1NG OF H3R SWORD-C4N3*
AC: :33 < *the pouncellor blocks the legislacerators swing with her cane-sword, then swings back at her!*
GC: *TH3 TWO 3XCH4NG3 L4SH3S 4ND BLOCKS UNT1L TH3 L3G1SL4C3R4TOR FORC3S TH3 POUNC3LLOR 1NTO 4 BL4D3 LOCK!*
AC: :33 < *s33ing an oppurrtunity, the pouncellor uses her fr33 hand to swing her cane-sheath at the legislacerators head!*
GC: *TH3 L3G1SL4C3R4TOR GR4BS TH3 SH34TH W1TH H3R FR33 H4ND 4ND WR3STS 1T FROM TH3 POUNC3LLORS GR1P, D1S3NG4G1NG TH3 LOCK*
AC: :33 < *the pouncellor twirls away, and with a mischievous grin, she purresses a hidden button on the lions head on her cane-sword*
AC: :33 < *suddenly the cane-sheath explodes in the legislacerators face, sending her r33ling!!*
GC: >8O
GC: *TH3 L3G1SL4C3R4TOR 1S S3NT FLY1NG, 4ND SH3 COLL4PS3S ONTO TH3 GROUND W1TH 4 H1GHLY D1GN1F13D 4ND C3R3MON1OUS THUD*
GC: *TH3 SWORD-C4N3 1S R3L34S3D FROM H3R GR1P 4ND CL4TT3RS TO TH3 FLOOR*
AC: :33 < *befur the legislacerator can get up, the remaining shipping drone is upawn her*
AC: :33 < *it lifts her furom the ground, restraining her arms behind her*
GC: *TH3 L3G1SL4C3R4TOR STRUGGL3S FUT1L3LY FOR 4 MOM3NT 1N TH3 SH1PP1NG DRON3S GR1P, GL4R1NG FUR1OUSLY 4T TH3 POUNC3LLOR, TH3N STOPS*
AC: :33 < *the pouncellor regards her with a smirk*
AC: :33 < f33ling a little more coopurrative now, miss pyrope?
GC: *TH3 L3G1SL4C3R4TOR SP1TS 1N TH3 POUNC3LLORS STUP1D SMUG F4C3!*
AC: :33 < *the pouncellor glares and slowly wipes the spit off her face, then suddenly slaps the legislacerator across the ch33k!*
AC: :33 < do not tempt me, legislacerator!
AC: :33 < my supurriors told me you were not to be harmed, but if you continue with this, i may not be able to help myself!
GC: 4ND JUST WHO 4R3 YOUR SUP3R1ORS, "POUNC3LLOR?"
GC: (POUNC3LLOR 1S 1N QUOT3S B3C4US3 1TS SUPPOS3D TO B3 SUP3R S4RC4ST1C)
AC: :33 < thats still not any of your business
AC: :33 < but i suppaws theres no harm in telling you
AC: :33 < purrhaps youve heard of the rogue of heart?
GC: OF COURS3 1V3 H34RD OF H3R
GC: SH3S SH1PP3D F1V3 TROLLS 1N TH3 P4ST FOUR D4YS
GC: THR33 OF TH3M SH3 3V3N STRUCK TW1C3!
AC: :33 < *the "pouncellor" chuckles to herself*
AC: :33 < ah, good
AC: :33 < i s33 her reputation purrcedes her
AC: :33 < and in case it wasnt clear, miss pyrope, shes selected you to be her next victim!
GC: *G4SP!*
GC: SH3 WOULDNT D4R3!
AC: :33 < and why not, miss pyrope?
AC: :33 < we already an insider with the subjugglators
AC: :33 < surely a legislacerator would be the next logical step?
GC: TRY1NG TO CORRUPT 4 L3G1SL4C3R4TOR, 3H?
GC: W3LL, YOU T4RG3T3D TH3 WRONG L4DY!
GC: MY LOY4LTY TO H1S HONOR4BL3 TYR4NNY 1S 4BSOLUT3!
AC: :33 < be reasonable about this, legislacerator
AC: :33 < the rogue can make it worth your while
AC: :33 < besides, shes only trying to help you anyway
AC: :33 < surely you have some interest in filling your quadrants?
AC: :33 < *the "pouncellor" does that neat thing they do in the movies where she lifts gcs chin with the flat of her cane-sword*
AC: :33 < itd be a shame if such a purretty girl were to purrsent herself to the collection drone empty handed
GC: *TH3 L3G1SL4C3R4TOR GROWLS 4T TH3 TOUCH OF COLD ST33L ON H3R CHIN*
GC: 1M NOT TOO WORR13D 4BOUT TH4T
GC: 4ND 3V3N 1F 1 W3R3, WHY WOULD 1 W4NT TH3 H3LP OF 4 CR1M1N4L?
AC: :33 < alright, look
AC: :33 < well discuss what it takes to secure your... assistance later
AC: :33 < but fur now, i have orders to ship you, and thats exactly what i intend to do
AC: :33 < *the "pouncellor" pushes the tip of the cane-sword efur so slightly into gcs neck, just d33p enough not to draw blood*
AC: :33 < and it can be as easy or as difficult as you want it to be
GC: *TH3 L3G1SL4C3R4TOR GRO4NS D3J3CT3DLY*
GC: 1 GU3SS 1 H4V3 NO CHO1C3
AC: :33 < excellent
AC: :33 < *the "pouncellor" smirks and lowers her blade*
GC: BUT 1 M34N
GC: W3R3 NOT GO1NG TO DO TH1S WHOL3 TH1NG 1N CH4R4CT3R 4R3 W3
AC: :33 < :oo
AC: :33 < terezi, did you just drop character befur me???
GC: W3LL
AC: :33 < i totally just out-roleplayed you!!!
GC: NO YOU D1DNT!!!!
GC: 1 W4S JUST 4SK1NG ON3 QU3ST1ON OUT OF CH4R4CTER, TH4TS 4LL!
AC: :33 < admit it, you totally just got out-roleplayed!!
GC: UGH, F1N3
GC: YOU TOT4LLY, COMPL3T3LY OUT-ROL3PL4Y3D M3
GC: 1 C4NNOT HOP3 TO D3F34T N3P3T4 L31JON 1N 4 ROL3PL4Y-OFF
GC: SH3 1S S1MPLY TH3 B3ST TH3R3 1S
GC: 1S TH4T WH4T YOU W4NT TO H34R??
AC: :33 < yes it is!!! X33
GC: >8P
GC: 4NYW4Y, 1M V3RY 1NTR1GU3D BY TH3 4NGL3 YOU TOOK
GC: 1T S33MS 4 LOT MOR3 GR1TTY 4ND S3R1OUS TH4N YOUR USU4L 4FF41R
AC: :33 < of course its serious!
AC: :33 < shipping is serious business!!!
GC: H3H3H3, Y34H, 1 GU3SS
GC: 4ND TH3 WHOL3 F1GHT SC3N3 W4S PR3TTY GOOD TOO
GC: BUT 1 C4NT B3L13V3 1 F3LL FOR TH3 OLD 3XPLOD1NG C4N3-SH34TH RUS3!!
GC: 1TS PR4CT1C4LLY TH3 OLD3ST TR1CK 1N TH3 POUNC3LLORS TOM3!
AC: :33 < you only fell fur it beclaws you werent expecting it!
GC: Y34H, NOT FROM YOU, 4NYW4Y
GC: BUT H3Y, B3FOR3 W3 T4LK 4BOUT 4NY OF TH1S SH1PP1NG STUFF
GC: 1 JUST W4NT3D TO S4Y
GC: 1M SORRY FOR TH3 W4Y 1 T4LK3D TO YOU ON TH4T M3MO 4 F3W D4YS 4GO
GC: 1 W4S B31NG K1ND OF 4 B1TCH TO YOU 3V3N THOUGH YOU W3R3 JUST TRY1NG TO H3LP 3V3RYON3 OUT, 4ND 1T R34LLY W4SNT F41R TO YOU 4T 4LL
AC: :33 < its okay, terezi, i furgive you!
AC: :33 < you were just mad about vwiskers is all!
GC: Y34H, PR3TTY MUCH
GC: 1 M34N
GC: 1 KNOW SH3S DON3 4 LOT FOR T4VROS
GC: BUT 1 ST1LL DONT TRUST H3R
AC: :33 < she really is a better purrson now!
GC: M4YB3 SH3 1S
GC: BUT
GC: SH3 ST1LL HURT 4 LOT OF P3OPL3
GC: 4ND 1 C4NT FORG1V3 H3R JUST L1K3 TH4T, C4N 1?
AC: :33 < look, terezi, no offense
AC: :33 < but part of the reason i helped vwiskers in the furst place is so every confursation i had wouldnt degenerate into vwiskerschat!
GC: H3H3H3H3H3, F41R 3NOUGH
GC: 1LL DROP 1T
AC: :33 < thank you
GC: 4NYW4Y, 1M GL4D TH1NGS 4R3 ST1LL COOL B3TW33N US
AC: :33 < of course! no hard f33lings!
AC: :33 < furgive and furget, thats what furiends are fur!
GC: YOU JUST US3D TH3 S4M3 PUN FOUR T1M3S 1N TH4T ON3 L1N3
AC: :33 < wow, i did, didn't i???
AC: :33 < maybe i should look fur some new ones
GC: H3H3H3
GC: >8]
GC: 4NYW4Y, DONT W3 H4V3 SOM3 SH1PP1NG TO DO?
AC: :33 < of course!
AC: :33 < lets start with your flushed quadrant
AC: :33 < any ideas there?
GC: HMMMMM
GC: YOU KNOW WH4T
GC: WHY DONT YOU ST4RT
AC: :33 < well, okay
AC: :33 < what about karkitty?
AC: :33 < i heard a rumor that you two had a thing or something
GC: 4 TH1NG?
GC: WHO TOLD YOU TH4T???
AC: :33 < i dont know, i just heard it furom somewhere!!
GC: K4RKL3S D1DNT T3LL YOU TH4T, D1D H3??
AC: :33 < of course not!!
AC: :33 < he nefur talks to me about romance
AC: :33 < even though ive devoted purractically my entire life to it!
AC: :33 < >:II
GC: H3H3, Y34H, H3S K1ND OF 4 J3RK >8[
GC: 4NYW4Y, 4S FOR M3 4ND H1M
GC: W3LL
GC: 1 M34N
GC: 1M K1ND OF FLUSH3D FOR H1M, 1 GU3SS?
AC: :33 < kind of, you guess?
GC: W3LL, SOM3T1M3S 1 TH1NK 1 4M
GC: BUT OTH3R T1M3S, TH3 GUY JUST DR1V3S M3 CR4ZY!
GC: 1N 4 B4D W4Y, 1 M34N
AC: :33 < like how?
GC: 1TS JUST
GC: H3S R34LLY 1NS3CUR3
GC: WH1CH DONT G3T M3 WRONG, 1TS K1ND OF CUT3
GC: BUT H3 3XPR3SS3S 1T 1N TH3 WORST POSS1BL3 W4Y
GC: L1K3, H3S 4LW4YS Y3LL1NG 4ND 1NSULT1NG P3OPL3
GC: 4ND STROK1NG H1S OWN 3GO 4BOUT WH4T 4N 4M4444Z1NG L34D3R H3 1S
GC: 4ND SOM3T1M3S 1 TH1NK H3S FLUSH3D FOR M3
GC: BUT H3 JUST C4NNOT DROP TH3 PR3T3NS3S FOR 4NYBODY
GC: 4ND 1TS R34LLY FUCK1NG 4NNOY1NG
AC: :33 < huh
AC: :33 < so thats a maybe?
GC: 1F H3 COULD JUST STOP B31NG SUCH 4N 1D1OT 4LL TH3 T1M3, 1TD B3 4 D3F1N1T3 Y3S
GC: BUT 1 DONT R34LLY S33 TH4T H4PP3N1NG 4NYT1M3 SOON
GC: SO Y34H, 1LL GO W1TH M4YB3
AC: :33 < okay
GC: BUT WHY 4R3 YOU SUGG3ST1NG H1M FOR M3?
GC: 1 THOUGHT YOU W3R3 FLUSH3D FOR H1M
AC: :33 < what!!!!
GC: COM3 ON, N3P3T4
GC: 1 KNOW 4LL 4BOUT YOUR "OTP"
AC: :33 < okay, look!
AC: :33 < ill admit i was flushed fur him at one point
AC: :33 < and i might still be
AC: :33 < but im not really sure how serious i efur was about it!
GC: >8o
GC: S3R1OUSLY?
AC: :33 < well, i mean, yeah, i had a big crush on him
AC: :33 < but it was just a crush!
AC: :33 < and i mean
AC: :33 < well
AC: :33 < look, im not the one being shipped here!!!
AC: :33 < were moving on now!!
GC: W3LL, OK4Y, 1F YOU S4Y SO
AC: :33 < anyway, some other candidates fur your flushed quadrant
AC: :33 < hmmmmm
AC: :33 < what about eridan?
GC: 3R1D4N?
GC: S3R1OUSLY?
AC: :33 < yes, seriously!
GC: WOW, 1 N3V3R 3V3N R34LLY CONS1D3R3D H1M
GC: 1 M34N, H3S PROPOS1T1ON3D M3 B3FOR3
GC: BUT TH4T W4S 4LL JUST 4 PR3TTY OBV1OUS G4MB1T TO P1SS OFF VR1SK4
GC: 4ND H3 W4S PR3TTY CL34RLY FLUSH3D FOR SOM3BODY 3LS3 4NYW4Y
AC: :33 < yeah, he was purretty flushed fur fefurry back then!
GC: 1 FIGUR3D 4S MUCH 4T TH3 T1M3
GC: TH3S3 MO1R4LL3G14NC3S B3TW33N YOUNG TROLLS USU4LLY 3ND UP FORM1NG 4S SOM3 SORT OF HOP3L3SS QU4DR4NT FL1PP1NG G4MB1T 4NYW4Y
GC: OBV1OUSLY YOU 4ND 3QU1US 4R3 4 PR3TTY NOT4BL3 3XC3PT1ON
AC: :33 < well, im purretty sure hes ofur her now
AC: :33 < or at least hes looking fur somepawdy else
AC: :33 < so what would you think about it?
GC: W3LL
GC: HON3STLY
GC: H3S K1ND OF 4 DOUCH3 >8/
AC: :33 < well, he kind of is
AC: :33 < but hes significantly less of a douche than he used to be!
GC: WH4T?
AC: :33 < alright, look
AC: :33 < dont take this as an adfurtisement fur him or anything, okay?
AC: :33 < but up until recently, hes been an annoying, whiny, self-absorbed, despurrate genocidal asshole
AC: :33 < but hes changed a lot!
AC: :33 < becoming meowrails with gamz33 has really helped him!
AC: :33 < even though he still is kind of an annoying asshole
GC: H3H3H3H3H3
AC: :33 < what??
GC: 1T SOUNDS L1K3 YOU M1GHT B3 BL4CK FOR H1M YOURS3LF
AC: :33 < >:OO
AC: :33 < no!!!
AC: :33 < its not anything like that!!!!
AC: :33 < he just
AC: :33 < he really gets under my skin, okay?
AC: :33 < in a completely platonic sense!!
AC: :33 < theres nothing black about it!
AC: :33 < im not even interested in blackrom!!!
AC: :33 < the whole quadrant is stupid anyway!!
GC: H4V3 YOU 3V3R F3LT BL4CK FOR 4NYBODY?
AC: :33 < no!!!!!!
GC: TH3N HOW DO YOU KNOW YOUR3 NOT F33L1NG BL4CK FOR H1M R1GHT NOW?
AC: :33 < i dont know, i just
AC: :33 < i do, okay???
GC: H3H3H3H3H3H3H3
GC: 1TS SO CUT3 HOW 1N D3N14L YOU 4R3 4BOUT TH1S
AC: XOO < NO NO NO SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP!!!
AC: XOO < WE ARE NOT TALKING ABOUT THIS ANYMORE!!!!
GC: H3H3H3, OK4Y, F1N3
GC: BUT 1 TH1NK YOU TWO WOULD B3 SUCH CUT3 K1M3S1SS3S
AC: XOO < SHUT UUUUUUUP!!!!!!!!
GC: OK4Y, 1M SHUTT1NG UP!
GC: J3GUS, C4LM DOWN
AC: :33 < bluh
AC: :33 < sorry, anyway
AC: :33 < what do you think of him, given the assumption that he isnt quite as much of a douche as he used to be?
GC: W3LL
GC: 1F YOU T4K3 4W4Y H1S DOUCH1N3SS, TH4T DO3SNT R34LLY G1V3 M3 MUCH 3LS3 TO WORK W1TH
GC: 1 M34N, H1S B31NG 4 DOUCH3 PR4CT1C4LLY D3F1N3D H1M TO M3
AC: :33 < h33 h33, fair enough!
GC: TH3R3S H1S LOOKS, 1 GU3SS
GC: 4ND H3S C3RT41NLY NOT 4N UN4TTR4CT1V3 GUY
AC: :33 < okay, even ill admit hes purretty good looking
GC: Y34H
GC: BUT 1D H4V3 TO G3T TO KNOW TH1S N3W H1M B3TT3R B3FOR3 1 COULD S4Y 4NYTH1NG ON3 W4Y OR TH3 OTH3R
AC: :33 < alright, ill put him down fur maybe too
AC: :33 < any other ideas?
AC: :33 < sollux, maybe?
GC: H4H4, NO
GC: H3S TW1C3 4S MUCH OF 4N 4SSHOL3 4S K4RK4T 1S, H4LF TH3 T1M3
AC: :33 < wow, okay!
GC: 4NYW4Y, 1SNT H3 1N 4 TH1NG W1TH F3F3R1?
AC: :33 < i dont know what the thing with him and fefurry is!
AC: :33 < they might be matespurrits, or they might be meowrails!
AC: :33 < i asked fefurry, and even she doesnt know!
GC: WOW, B1G SURPR1S3
GC: M1ST3R DOUBL3 OR NOTH1NG C4NT P1CK B3TW33N TWO QU4DR4NTS
AC: :33 < h33 h33!
AC: :33 < yeah, hes kind of stupid!
GC: OH, H3S PL3NTY STUP1D, B3L13V3 M3
GC: H3S PL3NTY SM4RT, TOO, BUT H3S 4T L34ST TW1C3 4S STUP1D
GC: 4NYW4Y, Y34H, NO FLUSH3D F33L1NGS FOR H1M 4T 4LL, R34LLY
GC: HON3STLY, 1 F33L MOR3 P4L3 FOR H1M TH4N 4NYTH1NG
AC: :33 < really?
GC: 1 DONT KNOW, JUST 4 L1TTL3
AC: :33 < well okay
AC: :33 < we could move on to your pale quadrant on that note
AC: :33 < but befur i do, i have one more idea
GC: 4ND WH4TS TH4T?
AC: :33 < well...
AC: :33 < what about me?
GC: >8O
GC: YOU?
GC: B3 MY M4T3SPR1T?
AC: :33 < yeah, i dont know, maybe!
GC: N3P3T4, 4R3 YOU
GC: 4R3 YOU FLUSH3D FOR M3?
AC: :33 < well
AC: :33 < maybe a little?
AC: :33 < im just curious what you think is all!
GC: W3LL
GC: UM
GC: 1 M34N
GC: 1 N3V3R R34LLY THOUGHT 4BOUT YOU TH4T W4Y
GC: BUT 1 GU3SS W3 4R3 PR3TTY GOOD FR13NDS
GC: 4ND YOU 4R3 PR3TTY CUT3
GC: 1N 4 K1ND OF S1LLY W4Y
GC: BUT 1 M34N
GC: 4R3 YOU S3R1OUSLY FLUSH3D FOR M3???
AC: :33 < its just something i was considering is all!!
AC: :33 < anyway, it doesnt matter right now
AC: :33 < im saving myself fur last anyway!
AC: :33 < i have to think about efurrypawdy else furst!
GC: OH
GC: TH4TS NOBL3 OF YOU, 1 GU3SS
GC: 31TH3R TH4T, OR 1NCR3D1BLY D3V1OUS
AC: :33 < how is that devious???
GC: B3C4US3 1F YOU S4V3 YOURS3LF FOR L4ST, TH3R3 W1LL ONLY B3 ON3 OTH3R TROLL L3FT W1THOUT 4 M4T3SPR1T
GC: 4ND TH3YLL B3 PR3TTY MUCH FORC3D TO T4K3 YOU
AC: :33 < no, its not anything like that!!
AC: :33 < you cant furce people to love each other like that!
AC: :33 < if it ends up that whoefur im left with doesnt want me, or i dont want them, ill just start ofur!
AC: :33 < ill tear the existing relationships apurrt if i have to make things work fur efurrypawdy!!
GC: WOW, TH4TS JUST RUTHL3SS
AC: :33 < argh, i cant win here!!!!
GC: W3LL, YOU KNOW WH4T TH3Y S4Y
GC: 4LLS F41R 1N ROM4NC3 4ND STR1F3
AC: :33 < do they really say that?
GC: W3LL, 1 S41D 1T JUST NOW
GC: 4ND 1M SUR3 SOM3BODY 3LS3 H4S PROB4BLY S41D 1T 4T SOM3 PO1NT
GC: 4ND TWO P3OPL3 1S 3NOUGH TO B3 4 TH3Y, 1SNT 1T?
AC: :33 < h33 h33, whatefur!
AC: :33 < anyway, lets go on to your pale quadrant!
GC: Y34H, OK4Y
AC: :33 < you said something about sollux?
GC: W3LL, 1 DONT KNOW
GC: 1 M34N, TH3 GUY CL34RLY H4S SOM3 1SSU3S H3 N33DS H3LP W1TH
GC: 4ND H3S SM4RT 3NOUGH, WH3N H3S NOT B31NG SO S3LF-D3F34T1NG
GC: BUT 1F TH3 WHOL3 TH1NG B3TW33N H1M 4ND F3F3R1 1S 4S N3BULOUS 4S YOU S4Y 1T 1S, M4YB3 1 SHOULDNT 1NTRUD3
AC: :33 < yeah, maybe not
AC: :33 < i get the f33ling i wont be able to do anything with those two until i nail their quadrant down!
GC: Y34H, 1 C4N S33 WHY 1T WOULD COMPL1C4T3 TH1NGS
AC: :33 < so that rules out fefurry too, huh?
GC: PROB4BLY
GC: BUT 1 DONT R34LLY W4NT TO B3 H3R MO1R41L 4NYW4Y
GC: L1K3, WH4T TH3 H3LL PROBL3MS DO3S SH3 H4V3?
GC: SH3 SUR3 H4D SOM3 B3FOR3, BUT 3NT3R1NG TH3 G4M3 S33M3D TO PR3TTY MUCH CL34R 3V3RYTH1NG UP FOR H3R
GC: B3S1D3S SOLLUX B31NG 4 WISHY-W4SHY 1D1OT, 4NYW4Y >8/
AC: :33 < hmmm, i guess
AC: :33 < what about kanaya?
AC: :33 < she really n33ds a meowrail
GC: K4N4Y4, HUH
GC: 1 H4V3
GC: B4R3LY 1NT3R4CT3D W1TH H3R, B3L13V3 1T OR NOT
AC: :33 < i can believe that
GC: 4NYW4Y, 4G41N, NOT R34LLY SUR3 WH4T H3R PROBL3MS 4R3
GC: 4S1D3 FROM NOT H4V1NG 4 MO1R41L, SH3 S33MS PR3TTY MUCH S3T
GC: 3SP3C14LLY 3V3R S1NC3 SH3 HOOK3D UP W1TH VR1SK4
GC: OH J3GUS, 4ND TH4TS 4LL SH3 WOULD 3V3R T4LK 4BOUT, 1SNT 1T
GC: JUST CONST4NT S3COND H4ND R3PORTS 4BOUT WH4T 4N 4M4Z1NG K1SS3R VR1SK4 1S
AC: :33 < oh god, i didnt even make the vwiskers connection!
GC: Y34H, 1LL P4SS ON TH4T, TH4NKS >8P
AC: :33 < hmmm
AC: :33 < well
AC: :33 < i dont suppose youd be interested in being karkittys meowrail?
GC: H4H4H4, NO
GC: FUCK TH4T
GC: 1 H34R 3NOUGH OF H1S WH1N1NG 4LR34DY
AC: :33 < h33 h33, fair enough!
AC: :33 < well, this is tough
AC: :33 < is there anyone im missing?
GC: YOU N3V3R M3NT1ON3D 4R4D14
AC: :33 < huh?
AC: :33 < oh my god, aradia!!!
AC: :33 < i havent even b33n thinking about her!!
AC: :33 < i mean, i nefur even mentioned her to anypawdy else!
AC: :33 < god, now i f33l terrible!
GC: Y34H, T3RR1BL3 1S 4BOUT HOW YOU SHOULD F33L R1GHT NOW
GC: JUST B3C4US3 SH3S 1N 4 ROBOT DO3SNT M34N SH3 DO3SNT H4V3 F33L1NGS
AC: :33 < ugh, and im her serfur player, too!
AC: :33 < i cant believe i just furgot about her like that!
AC: :33 < i havent even tried to talk to her since then!
GC: 1N 4LL F41RN3SS, SH3 H4SNT R34LLY B33N T4LK1NG TO 4NYBODY
GC: W3LL, 4NYBODY 3XC3PT 3QU1US
GC: 4ND
GC: UH, M3, 1 GU3SS
AC: :33 < shes b33n talking to you?
GC: Y34H, K1ND OF
GC: SH3 W4S FR34K1NG OUT 4BOUT SOM3 W31RD T1M3 TH1NG ON TH3 L4ST M3MO OF YOURS 1 POST3D ON
GC: SO 1 4SK3D H3R 4BOUT 1T 4FT3RW4RDS 4ND W3 BOTH SORT OF TR13D TO G3T TO TH3 BOTTOM OF 1T TOG3TH3R
GC: 4ND 1V3 R34LLY B33N H3LPFUL TO H3R 4PP4R3NTLY
AC: :33 < wow, thats interesting!
GC: HOW 1S 1T 1NT3R3ST1NG?
AC: :33 < well, i dont know, it just kind of is!
GC: >8/
AC: :33 < do you guys talk about anything else?
GC: W3LL, Y34H, OCC4S1ON4LLY
GC: BUT TH4TS PR1V4T3
AC: :33 < okay, fair enough!
AC: :33 < so do you like talking to her?
GC: Y34H, 1 GU3SS
GC: 1 G3T 4 W31RD SORT OF S4T1SF4CT1ON FROM H3LP1NG H3R PUZZL3 OUT 4LL TH1S W31RD T1M3 SH1T TH4TS GO1NG ON
GC: 4ND SH3 R34LLY S33MS TO 4PPR3C14T3 1T TOO, 1 GUESS
AC: :33 < so what if you two were meowrails?
GC: >8O
GC: S3R1OUSLY???
GC: M3 4ND 4R4D14??
AC: :33 < sure, why not?
AC: :33 < you like helping her, dont you?
GC: W3LL, Y34H, BUT
GC: 1 M34N
GC: 1 N3V3R R34LLY THOUGHT 4BOUT 1T TH4T W4Y!
AC: :33 < well, just furom what youve told me, it sounds like youre purretty pale fur her!
GC: N3P3T4, TH4T 1S SUCH 4 BR4Z3N 4CCUS4T1ON, 1M NOT 3V3N R34LLY SUR3 HOW TO R3SPOND TO 1T!
GC: BUT
GC: W3LL, 1 GU3SS 1 COULD B3 P4L3 FOR H3R
GC: BUT 1S SH3 3V3N 1NT3R3ST3D 1N TH4T K1ND OF TH1NG?
AC: :33 < i dont know
AC: :33 < maybe you should ask her!
GC: S3R1OUSLY?
GC: 4ND JUST HOW WOULD 1 BR1NG TH4T UP W1THOUT 1T S33M1NG CONSP1CUOUS?
GC: JUST B3 L1K3, "H3Y, 4R3 YOU LOOK1NG FOR 4 MO1R41L BY 4NY CH4NC3? NO, 1M NOT OFF3R1NG, 1M JUST CUR1OUS!"
GC: "BUT 4T TH3 S4M3 T1M3 1M NOT T4K1NG 1T OFF TH3 T4BL3, 1TS JUST 4 TOT4LLY 1NNOCUOUS QU3RY!!"
AC: :33 < honestly, who cares?
GC: 1 C4R3!!
GC: WH4T 1F 1 4SK H3R 4ND SH3 3NDS UP TH1NK1NG 1M CR4ZY OR SOM3TH1NG?
AC: :33 < terezi
AC: :33 < i realize she isnt a robot and she does have f33l1ngs
AC: :33 < but im purretty sure she wont give a shit one way or the other
GC: W3LL
GC: Y34H, YOUR3 PROB4BLY R1GHT
GC: ST1LL, 1M NOT 3V3N SUR3 4BOUT TH1S
AC: :33 < well, think about it!
AC: :33 < even if you end up not wanting to be her meowrail, theres always sollux
GC: H3H, Y34H
GC: 1M SUR3 H3LL B3 FL4TT3R3D BY TH4T
GC: "H3Y, YOUR D34D G1RLFR13ND W4S 4CTU4LLY MY F1RST P1CK, BUT 1LL S3TTL3 FOR YOU"
AC: :33 < ://
GC: TOO SOON?
AC: :33 < it will nefur stop being too soon
GC: Y34H, 1 GU3SS >8[
AC: :33 < well
AC: :33 < that about does it fur the shipping sw33p, i guess!
GC: W3LL 1N TH4T C4S3
GC: *TH3 L3G1SL4C3R4TOR STRUGGL3S ONC3 MOR3 1N TH3 SH1PP1NG DRON3S GR1P*
GC: L3T M3 GO 4LR34DY!
AC: :33 < ah, but of course
AC: :33 < drone, release her!
AC: :33 < *the shipping drone relinquishes its grip on the legislacerator*
GC: *TH3 L3G1SL4C3R4TOR STR3TCH3S H3R 4RMS 4ND RUBS TH3 SOR3 SPOTS WH3R3 TH3 DRON3 W4S HOLD1NG H3R*
GC: Y34H, TH4NKS 4 LOT
GC: 1LL TRUST YOU TO S33 YOURS3LF OUT OF MY H1V3
AC: :33 < of course, miss pyrope
AC: :33 < and thank you fur your coopurration
AC: :33 < the rogue will be pleased that i shipped you successfurry
AC: :33 < even though you cost me purrt of my fafurite cane-sword and a furry expensive shipping drone
GC: CORR3CT1ON
GC: *1N ON3 SW1FT MOT1ON, TH3 L3G1SL4C3R4TOR GR4BS H3R SWORD-C4N3 OFF TH3 GROUND 4ND J4MS 1T 1NTO TH3 R3M41N1NG SH1PP1NG DRON3S C3NTR4L PROC3SS1NG ST3M, D1S4BL1NG 1T 1N 4 SHOW3R OF SP4RKS!*
GC: 1 COST YOU TWO V3RY 3XP3NS1V3 SH1PP1NG DRON3S
GC: >8]
AC: :33 < *the "pouncellor" growls at the legislacerator furriously*
AC: :33 < it was truly a displeasure working with you
AC: :33 < and if i s33 you again, it will be too soon!
GC: H3H3H3H3H3
GC: GOODBY3, "POUNC3LLOR"
GC: 4ND GOOD LUCK W1TH YOUR S1LLY L1TTL3 PL4N
GC: 1M SUR3 YOULL N33D 1T
AC: :33 < *the "pouncellor" glares at her*
AC: :33 < dont think this is ofur, legislacerator
AC: :33 < though this is hopefurry the last youll s33 of me, the rogue has other agents
AC: :33 < and as long as you are not her ally, you will be her enemy
AC: :33 < so id highly suggest you give their offurs a little more consideration
GC: 1LL T3LL TH3M TH3 S4M3 TH1NG 1 TOLD YOU
AC: :33 < then it will be to your folly!
AC: :33 < as it is, i must depurrt
GC: 1F 1T M34NS 4N 3ND TO YOUR 1DL3 THR34TS, TH3N GOOD R1DD4NC3
AC: :33 < and i wish you an unpleasant day as well
AC: :33 < *the "pouncellor" storms out of the hive in a huff, still brandishing what remains of her cane-sword and swinging it angrily at any piece of shrubbery unlucky enough to grow too close to her path*
GC: (H3H3H3)
GC: (BY3 N3P3T4)
AC: :33 < (bye terezi!)

arsenicCatnip [AC] ceased trolling gallowsCalibrator [GC].

***

CURRENT arachnidsGrip [CAG] RIGHT NOW opened memo on board The Marquise' Cove

CAG: *The illustrious Marquise Spinneret Mindfang dramatically 8ursts into the quiet tavern, each stamp of her 8right red 8oots sending shockwaves through the air!*
CAG: Alright, Redglare, I know you're here! Show yourself!
CURRENT gallowsCalibrator [CGC] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.
CGC: *TH3 GR34T L3G1SL4C3R4TOR N3OPHYT3 R3DGL4R3 R1S3S FROM H3R S34T 1N TH3 CORN3R OF TH3 T4V3RN, ST4RT1NG TOW4RD TH3 M4RQU1S3*
CGC: M1NDF4NG! COM3 TO TURN YOURS3LF 1N?
CAG: Hahahahahahahaha! Don't you wish!
CAG: Frankly, Redglare, you've 8een a thorn in my side for long enough!
CAG: And I say it's high time we settle things once and for all!
CGC: *R3DGL4R3S H4ND 1NST1NCT1V3LY R34CH3S FOR H3R SWORD-C4N3*
CGC: 4R3 YOU 4SK1NG M3 TO T4K3 TH1S OUTS1D3, M4RQU1S3?
CAG: *Mindfang chuckles and extends a hand in a halting gesture*
CAG: Pleeeeeeeease, Neophyte! This is hardly the time or place.
CAG: 8esides, you wouldn't want any "innocent 8ystanders" to 8e hurt, would you?
CGC: TH3N WH4T 4R3 YOU SUGG3ST1NG?
CAG: What I'm suggesting is this.
CAG: LOMAT. Twenty-four hours. Just you and me.
FUTURE carcinoGeneticist [FCG] 2 HOURS FROM NOW responded to memo.
FCG: NO NO NO NO NO, FOR FUCK'S SAKE, NO.
FCG: DID I SERIOUSLY NOT DRILL THIS INTO EVERYONE'S FUCKING SKULLS AFTER THE WHOLE SHITSTORM ON LOBAF?
FCG: NO DUELS. EVER.
FCG: WHY THE FUCK IS IT SO HARD TO UNDERSTAND THAT WE'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE FUCKING MURDERING EACH OTHER????
CAG: Karkaaaaaaaat, it's not a duel!!!!!!!!
FCG: THEN WHAT THE FUCK IS IT?
CAG: I just wanted to have a friendly little FLARPing session is all!
CGC: >8/
CGC: S3R1OUSLY?
CGC: YOU W4NT M3 TO FL4RP W1TH YOU?
FCG: OH, OKAY, SO INSTEAD OF AN ACTUAL DUEL, YOU'RE JUST GOING TO ROPE HER INTO A HORRIBLE MURDERGAME, MY MISTAKE.
FCG: HANG ON, I'LL NEED TO RECALIBRATE THE INPUTS TO MY PSYCHOTIC BROADS AND THEIR MURDEROUS BULLSHITOMETER TO GET A PROPER READ ON THAT.
FCG: OH, LOOK AT THAT, IT'S EXACTLY THE FUCKING SAME. WHAT A SHOCK.
CAG: Oh, come oooooooon, Karkat, give me a 8r8k here!!!!!!!!
CAG: I'm not trying to murder any8ody!
CAG: I don't even want any8ody to get hurt!
CAG: I just wanted a chance to may8e settle some of this stuff 8etween us without killing each other, and may8e wrap up this whole Mindfang thing in the process.
CGC: WR4P UP TH1S WHOL3 M1NDF4NG TH1NG?
CGC: 4ND JUST WH4T DO YOU M34N BY TH4T?
CAG: Well, honestly........
CAG: I kind of wanted to retire the whole character.
CAG: Or at least take her in a different direction or something.
CGC: >8O
CGC: S3R1OUSLY????
CAG: It's just........ I don't really identify with her anymore, you know what I mean?
CAG: When I was a wiggler, I used to think she was soooooooo cooooooool.
CAG: 8ut now the charm has worn off, and it's like........
CAG: She's a self-o8sessed serial murderer, and also a rapist????????
CAG: I really wish I was kidding a8out that last part, 8ut seriously, I've read her journal, and like a full quarter of it is graphically detailed accounts of slave rape.
CGC: >8P
CAG: And I realized, hey, I've spent my entire life trying to 8e exactly like a lady who every8ody h8ed and ended up 8eing murdered 8y the guy she thought was her m8sprit.
AG: Can you 8lame me for wanting to put the whole thing 8ehind me?
CGC: W3LL
CGC: 1 GU3SS NOT
FCG: WOW, HEY, THAT'S GREAT AND ALL, BUT SERIOUSLY
FCG: NO FUCKING FLARPING.
CAG: Why the fuck not????????
FCG: BECAUSE LAST TIME I CHECKED, THE WHOLE FUCKING GAME WAS JUST AN EXCUSE FOR CRAZY BLUEBLOODS TO KILL EACH OTHER.
FCG: AND I'M NOT EVEN ACCUSING YOU IN PARTICULAR OF HAVING ANY MURDEROUS INTENTIONS HERE.
FCG: QUITE FRANKLY, I THINK TEREZI IS JUST AS LIKELY TO TRY TO MURDER YOU AS YOU ARE TO TRY TO MURDER HER.
CGC: WH4T!!!!!!!
FCG: LOOK, AS FAR AS I'M CONCERNED, YOU'RE BOTH SHITHIVE MAGGOTS.
FCG: AND WHATEVER FUCKED UP FEELINGS YOU TWO MIGHT HAVE FOR EACH OTHER, I THINK IT'S PROBABLY BEST TO PREVENT ANY SITUATIONS WHERE YOU'RE BOTH SWINGING DEADLY WEAPONS AT EACH OTHER.
FCG: IS THAT SO HARD FOR YOU TO COMPREHEND????
CURRENT adiosToreador [CAT] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.
CAT: oKAY, kARKAT, i CAN UNDERSTAND YOUR APPREHENSION HERE,
CAT: bUT IT'S REALLY NOT AS BIG A DEAL AS YOU'RE MAKING IT OUT TO BE,
FCG: OH, THIS SHOULD BE GOOD.
FCG: OKAY, TAVROS, TELL ME EXACTLY HOW IT'S COMPELTELY IMPOSSIBLE FOR ANYONE TO GET HURT DURING THIS LITTLE FLARPING SESSION.
CAT: bECAUSE i'M THE ONE WHO WILL BE CLOUDING IT,
CAT: i'LL HAVE CONTROL OVER EVERYONE'S STRIFE SPECIBI, aND LETHAL WEAPONS ARE EXPRESSLY FORBIDDEN,
CAG: And honestly, do you think Tavros of all people is going to let any8ody get hurt doing this????????
CGC: TH4TS
CGC: 4CTU4LLY 4 GOOD PO1NT >8|
FCG: WHAT THE FUCK IS CLOUDING?
CAT: wELL, tHE CLOUDER IS BASICALLY THE ONE IN CHARGE OF THE GAME,
CAT: tHEY OPERATE THESE LITTLE THINGS CALLED GAMING FLAPSTRACTIONS, wHICH CONTROL PRETTY MUCH EVERYTHING,
CAT: sO, nEEDLESS TO SAY, i'LL HAVE THE WHOLE THING UNDER CONTROL,
FCG: SOMEHOW I'M STILL NOT CONVINCED.
PAST arsenicCatnip [PAC] 3 MINUTES AGO responded to memo.
PAC: :33 < well, i think it sounds purrfect!
FCG: WHAT.
FCG: SERIOUSLY?
PAC: :33 < sure!
PAC: :33 < i know flarping is usually dangerous
PAC: :33 < but if its only with nonlethal weapons and tavros is in charge, it sounds like it just be harmless fun!
CAG: Exactly!!!!!!!!
PAC: :33 < i almost wish i could join in myself, actually!
FUTURE centaursTesticle [FCT] 35 MINUTES FROM NOW responded to memo
FCT: D --> Abso100tely not
FCT: D --> Nepeta, I e%pressly forbid you from engaging in any e%treme live a%ion roleplaying
PAC: :33 < ugh, fine!!
PAC: :33 < i didnt even want to purrticipate this time
PAC: :33 < this whole thing is betw33n vwiskers and terezis characters anyway!
CAG: Yeah, as completely awesome as it would pro8a8ly 8e to FLARP with Nepeta, this whole night is supposed to 8e a8out tying up loose ends with these existing characters.
CAG: 8ut hey, may8e l8er we can roll up new characters together!
PAC: :33 < that would be so cool!!!
FCT: D --> Nepeta, no
FCT: D --> I refuse to allow you to roleplay with this h001igan
PAC: :33 < oh come on, equius!!
PAC: :33 < at least give it a chance!
FCT: D --> Well
FCT: D --> Perhaps if this partic001ar event passes without incident
FCT: D --> It may be a%eptable for you to roleplay together
PAC: :33 < yes!!!!
PAC: :33 < ive always wanted to flarp, so please do this thing without anypawdy trying to kill each other!
CAG: Hey, I won't try anything if Terezi doesn't.
CGC: W3LL, 1 WONT TRY 4NYTH1NG 1F YOU DONT
CAG: Well, then it's settled!
FCG: NO IT FUCKING ISN'T.
CAG: Karkat, would you just lighten the fuck up already????????
CAG: For the last time, this isn't a part of some revenge scheme or anything stupid like that!!!!!!!!
FCG: THEN WHAT IS IT?
FCG: WHY DO YOU EVEN WANT TO DO THIS?
CAG: I just want to have a little fun is all!
CAG: I mean, I was just thinking a8out how much fun Terezi and I used to have 8ack in our FLARPing days, and I got all nostalgic.
CAG: And I realize we called a ceasefire in this fucked up little revenge game of ours........
CAG: 8ut can't we put all that aside for just one night and play another game entirely?
CGC: HM
CGC: TH4T SOUNDS R34SON4BL3 3NOUGH, 1 GU3SS
FCG: WHAT.
FCG: TEREZI, YOU CANNOT SERIOUSLY BE CONSIDERING DOING THIS.
CGC: W3LL, 1 M34N, T4VROS 1S CLOUD1NG
CGC: 4ND 1TS 4LL NONL3TH4L W34PONS
CGC: 4ND 1TLL JUST B3 YOU 4ND M3, R1GHT VR1SK4?
CAG: Well, that's the plan, anyway
CAG: Though there's always the possi8ility that a certain Orphaner Dualscar might deign to show his fishy face.
CAG: 8ut if he does, he'll want to settle things with Mindfang too, so at worst it'll 8e a three-way 8attle royale.
CGC: OOH, TH4T SOUNDS L1K3 FUN, 4CTU4LLY >8]
CAG: What do you say, Eridan? Will you 8e there?
FUTURE caligulasAquarium [FCA] 13 MINUTES FROM NOW responded to memo.
FCA: its a distinct fuckin possibility
FCA: lets just leavve it at that
FCA ceased responding to memo.
CAG: Well, there you go!
CAG: So what do you say, Terezi? Are we doing this thing?
CGC: ...OK4Y, SUR3
CGC: W3R3 M4K1NG TH1S H4PP3N
CGC: BUT 1F YOU TRY 4NYTH1NG FUNNY, 1TLL B3 YOUR N3CK
CAG: Fine 8y me!
CAG: If any harm comes to any of the three of us, I'll tie the noose myself!
CGC: 1M HOLD1NG YOU TO TH4T, M1SS S3RK3T
CAG: Hold it to me all you want, Miss Pyrope!!!!!!!!
CAG: It doesn't even matter, 8ecause I'm a8solutely 800% confident that nothing will go wrong!
FCG: THIS IS COMPLETELY FUCKING RIDICULOUS.
FCG: I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU NOOK-HUFFING LUNATICS WANT TO WASTE TIME PLAYING A STUPID ROLEPLAYING GAME INSTEAD OF TRYING TO ACCOMPLISH THINGS IN THIS OTHER, VASTLY MORE IMPORTANT GAME THAT WE'RE ALREADY PLAYING.
CAG: Karkat, just shut the fuck up!!!!!!!!
CAG banned FCG from responding to memo.
CAG: Anyway!!!!!!!!
CAG: Tavros will pick the loc8ion and send it to you when it's a8out time to play.
CAG: Spoiler alert: it's pro8a8ly gonna 8e a 8adass pir8 ship.
CAT: oH YES,
CAT: oNLY THE MOST BADASS PIRATE SHIP WILL DO,
CAT: aND HEY, tEREZI,
CGC: Y34H?
CAT: tHANKS FOR AGREEING TO DO THIS,
CAT: vRISKA'S BEEN REALLY EXCITED ABOUT IT, aND IT'LL REALLY MEAN A LOT TO HER,
CAG: Hey, Tavros, easy with the mushy stuff, that's confidential!!!!!!!!
CAT: hAHA, sORRY,
CGC: UGH >8P
CGC: PL34S3 DONT ST4RT W1TH TH3 MO1R41L STUFF 4G41N
CAG: He started it, not me!!!!!!!!
CGC: WH4T3V3R
CGC: 4NYW4Y, 1M NOT DO1NG TH1S FOR YOUR S4K3
CGC: 1V3 B33N D34L1NG W1TH 4 LOT OF R34LLY H34VY STUFF L4T3LY
CGC: 4ND 1 COULD US3 4 L1TTL3 BR34K FOR SOM3 ROL3PL4Y1NG
PAC: :33 < well, i think it sounds like a lot of fun!
PAC: :33 < and i hope you both have a good time!
CAG: Oh, I think we will! ::::D
CGC: Y34H, 4S LONG 4S TH1S 1SNT 4 P4RT OF SOM3 1NS1D1OUS PLOT
CAG: Terezi, would you just stop with the insidious plot stuff already????????
CAG: I'm not m8king any dastardly schemes against you!
CAG: I just wanted a chance to put all the drama aside for one night and have a little fun like we used to.
CAG: I mean........ I really miss 8eing friends with you, Terezi.
CAG: And I realize you've got every reason to h8 me, 8ut I hope this whole night will at least give me a chance to prove you can trust me.
CGC: W3LL
CGC: 1 K1ND OF M1SS B31NG FR13NDS W1TH YOU TOO
CGC: BUT
CGC: JUST B3 HON3ST W1TH M3 FOR 4 S3COND
CGC: 4R3 YOU PL4NN1NG SOM3TH1NG D3V1OUS H3R3?
CAG: Well, of coooooooourse I'm planning something devious!
CAG: It wouldn't 8e Mindfang without devious plans!
CAG: 8ut I promise none of them involve any8ody getting hurt.
CAG: 8esides, if this whole thing was just a plot to screw you over, I've got two important people who would never forgive me.
CAT: i CAN'T SPEAK FOR kANAYA,
CAT: bUT YEAH, pRETTY MUCH,
CGC: OK4Y, F41R 3NOUGH
CGC: 1 GU3SS R3DGL4R3 W1LL JUST H4V3 TO M4K3 SOM3 PL4NS OF H3R OWN >8]
CAG: Yeah, that's the spirit!!!!!!!!
CGC: M4N, 1LL H4V3 TO D1G MY OLD COSTUM3 OUT OF STOR4G3
CGC: 1M NOT 3V3N SUR3 1F 1 R3M3MB3R WH3R3 1 PUT 1T
CAG: Oh, no, don't 8other with that!!!!!!!!
CAG: I got Kanaya to m8ke us all new costumes just for the occasion!
CAG: She won't let me see yours or Eridan's, 8ut I got a chance to try mine on, and it's pretty much perfect!
CURRENT grimAuxiliatrix [CGA] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.
CGA: Theyre Definitely Some Of My Best Work
CGA: But Im Not Sure If Id Say Theyre Perfect
CAG: Kanaya, seriously, the costume is amazing!
CAG: It's like you went 8ack in time to when Mindfang was six sweeps old and ganked it str8 from her wardro8e!!!!!!!!
CGA: Well Im Glad You Find It Satisfactory
CGA: Anyway Terezi After Youre Finished With This Memo Ill Deliver The Captcha Code For Your Costume To You In Private If Thats Alright
CGC: Y34H, TH4T SOUNDS F1N3
CGA: Excellent
CGA: Ill Speak To You All Again But In Any Case I Hope You All Have A Wonderful Time
CGA ceased responding to memo.
PAC: :33 < well, i hope you guys have a great time too!
PAC: :33 < and maybe afterwards, i can roleplay with you guys!
FCT: D --> Assuming the two don't kill each other
FCT: D --> Which I wouldn't e%actly count on
PAC: :33 < yes, equius, we know!
FCT: D --> Just making sure we're abso100tely clear
FCT: D --> In any case, I tr001y hope nothing goes wrong
FCT: D --> Even if it does mean honoring this 100dicrous promise
CAG: Nothing will go wrong, trust me!
CAG: Though I can't promise things won't go horri8ly right. >::::)
FCT: D --> I
FCT: D --> Don't know what that means
FCT: D --> Anyway, I wish you all a good
FCT: D --> Game, I guess
FCT: D --> Is that the term for it
FCT: D --> I never tr001y understood e%treme roleplaying
CAG: Yeah, "game" sounds good, let's go with that.
FCT: D --> E%cellent
FCT: D --> Then I wish you a good game
FCT ceased responding to memo.
PAC: :33 < yeah, good game, you two!
PAC: :33 < let me know if anything interesting happens!
PAC: :33 < and if eridan shows up, be sure to mess up his face fur me!
CGC: H3H3H3H3, OF COURS3 >8]
PAC: :33 < okay, bye!
PAC ceased responding to memo.
CAT: oKAY, i'LL SCOUT OUT A LOCATION AND FORMULATE THE CAMPAIGN,
CAT: aND THEN i'LL SEND YOU GUYS THE GAME GRUBS TOMORROW,
CAT: aND THANKS AGAIN FOR AGREEING TO THIS, tEREZI,
CGC: Y34H Y34H, STOP TH4NK1NG M3
CGC: 1M ST1LL NOT CONV1NC3D TH1S 1S 4 GR34T 1D34
CGC: BUT 1F YOUR3 1N CH4RG3, 1T C4NT B3 TH4T B4D
CAT: yEAH, tHAT WAS THE IDEA,
CAT: aNYWAY, tALK TO YOU GUYS TOMORROW,
CAG: Bye Tavros! <>
CAT: yEAH, bYE vRISKA, <>
CAT ceased responding to memo.
CAG: Okay, gr8! Everything's all set for tomorrow!
CGC: Y34H, 1 GU3SS
CAG: Hey, I know you said to stop thanking you, 8ut really, I appreci8 this a lot.
CAG: I really miss all the cool stuff we used to do together, and I'm really happy for an opportunity to relive some of it, even if it's just for this one night.
CAG: And 8efore you ask, I don't think this is going to m8ke things "even" 8etween us or whatever.
CAG: I'm not stupid enough to think one night of FLARPing is going to magically resolve all the 8ad 8lood 8etween us.
CAG: God, I can't 8elieve what a 8itch I used to 8e, thinking friendship was all just 8asic arithmetic, and I could just do X amount of good or X amount of 8ad and everything would 8e fine and dandy.
CAG: Like, "Hey, sorry I killed you, let me get you a ro8ot and then we'll 8e even and we can 8e friends again!!!!!!!!"
CAG: Or like, "Hey, you just 8lew my arm and my eye off, so I just 8linded you, and now we're even and we can 8e friends again!!!!!!!!"
CAG: Sorry if I sound like Karkat right now, 8ut I really fucking h8 past me sometimes.
CAG: 8luh, sorry, I'm ram8ling.
CGC: VR1SK4
CGC: YOUR3 M4K1NG 1T R34LLY H4RD FOR M3 TO H4T3 YOU R1GHT NOW >8[
CAG: Yeah, that's kind of the idea.
CAG: This whole "8eing nice" thing has 8een working really well with me and Tavros, so I figured I'd try it on every8ody else.
CAG: 8ut I kind of lucked out with him, and I realize it won't 8e nearly as easy to patch things up with you.
CAG: Or Aradia, for that matter.
CAG: 8luh, that'll pro8a8ly 8e impossi8le, come to think of it.
CGC: 1T M1GHT NOT B3 4S H4RD 4S YOU TH1NK
CAG: Hmmmmmmmm?
CGC: N3V3RM1ND
CGC: 4NYW4Y, 1LL S33 YOU TOMORROW
CAG: Gr8!!!!!!!! You won't regret it, I swear!!!!!!!!
CAG: In fact, I daresay after all is said and done, you'll 8e the one who's thanking me!
CGC: >8?
CGC: WHY WOULD 1 B3 TH4NK1NG YOU?
CAG: You'll seeeeeeee.
CAG: >:::;)
CAG: Anyway, see you l8er, Terezi!!!!!!!!
CGC: Y34H, S33 YOU, VR1SK4
CGC ceased responding to memo.
CAG: W8, this whole thing was supposed to 8e couched in little roleplaying 8its, 8ut I guess we just sort of dropped that.
CAG: Well shit.
CAG: I'm pretty much o8lig8ed to write some sort of outro here, 8ut I'm not even in the mood for roleplaying anymore.
CAG: So........ fuck it.
CAG: *Suddenly the entire tavern 8ursts into flames, and Mindfang and Redglare 8arely escape with their lives!*
CAG: *Also it turns out all the other people in the tavern were ghosts or something, and we were all just totally getting the shit haunted out of us in a 8ig undead prank*
CAG: ROLEPLAY OVER.
CAG ceased responding to memo.

CAG closed memo.

***

grimAuxiliatrix [GA] began trolling caligulasAquarium [CA].

GA: Mister Ampora If I May Have A Word With You
CA: oh kan
CA: sure wwhats up
GA: You Indicated On Vriskas Memo That You Had Some Intention Of Crashing Her Flarping Session
CA: yeah i said its a distinct fuckin possibility
CA: an it still is
GA: Well
GA: She Didnt Say This On The Memo But It Would Really Mean A Lot To Her If You Were To Attend
CA: wwell
CA: no use maintainin this vveil a secrecy i guess
CA: i wwas actually definitely plannin on attendin
GA: Okay Good
GA: In That Case I Have A Simple Request
CA: sure kan name it
GA: I Realize You Two Were Formerly Kismesisses And That There May Be Some Animosity Remaining Between You
GA: But I Would Simply Ask That You Dont Hurt Her
CA: course i wwont hurt her kan
CA: i knoww wwe used to be black but thats all wwater under the bridge
CA: matter a fact wwere kinda collaborateurs noww
CA: an the bond of cahoots isnt one that allowws for the presence of internal strife
GA: Really
GA: You Two Are In Cahoots
CA: oh yeah
CA: wwevve got all sorts of irons in the fire let me tell you
GA: Like What
CA: wwith all due respect kan thats a little privvate
GA: Okay Thats True
GA: But
GA: They Arent The Bad Sort Of Irons Are They
CA: wwhat do you mean
GA: Like The Kind Involving
GA: Uh
GA: Genocide For One
CA: nah kan those days are behind me alright
CA: sides itd be pretty fuckin stupid to try to kill all landdwwellers after i sunk all chances a gettin red wwith the only other seadwweller in existence
GA: Um Yes I Suppose
GA: Though To Be Perfectly Honest It Was Pretty Stupid Even Before
CA: yeah trust me i knoww
CA: ugh i feel like a complete fuckin tool evven thinkin about it
CA: but yeah no all these irons are completely benevvolent in nature
CA: no death or dismemberment or evven any sort of maimin at all invvolvved wwhatsoevver
GA: Um
GA: Okay
CA: wwhat
GA: Its Just That Im Having Trouble Imagining What These Benevolent Schemes Of Yours Could Possibly Involve
CA: ok look
CA: i might be wwillin to divvulge a little information about this but youvve gotta swwear you wwont tell anybody ok
CA: i mean not a fuckin soul
CA: like dont evven tell vvris i told you are wwe clear
GA: Uh
GA: Okay Yes Were Clear
CA: alright wwell
CA: they may or may not invvolvve more than a little
CA: uh
CA: shipping
GA: What
GA: Seriously
GA: Like What Nepetas Doing
CA: sorry i cant say anymore
CA: said too fuckin much already quite frankly
GA: Okay Okay Fine I Wont Pry Any Further
GA: But Anyway Youre Not Going To Do Anything To Harm Vriska Right
CA: i promise you kan
CA: i wwont hurt a fuckin bone in her body
GA: Okay Good
GA: Thank You Eridan
CA: yeah no problem
CA: evven if wwe wwerent business associates id nevver do anything to hurt your matesprit
CA: speakin a wwhich i nevver got a chance to say im really happy for you
CA: i mean im happy for her too but im really happy for you specifically
GA: Oh Well Thank You Eridan
GA: But Why Me Specifically
CA: wwell i figured you wwere pinin for her for a wwhile
CA: an i alwways kinda rooted for you twwo becomin matesprits
CA: i mean i alwways kinda considered you my friend evven if you didnt necessarily feel the same wway
GA: Of Course I Consider You A Friend
CA: really
CA: cause i still kinda feel like shit for the wway wwe talked
CA: like i pretty much just dumped all my fuckin baggage wwith fef an vvris on you an nevver really gavve much consideration to any a your problems at all
GA: Thats Not Entirely True
CA: it isnt
GA: No
GA: You Actually Did Give Me Good Advice Sometimes
GA: And Really It Probably Would Have Been To My Benefit To Follow More Of It Than I Did
CA: wwoww seariously
CA: like wwhat
GA: Well
GA: The Whole Thing With Vriska For One
GA: You Pretty Much Had Us Pegged From The Very Beginning
GA: And Maybe If Id Listened To You She And I Could Have Avoided This Whole Quadrant Flipping Clusterfuck In The First Place
GA: Truthfully I Always Regarded You As Something Of A Nuisance But In Retrospect That Was Probably A Mistake
GA: So Sorry About That
CA: nah kan its fine
CA: its just
CA: shit
GA: What
CA: wwell sorry if this is embarrassin
CA: but before i wwas honestly considerin you for my pale quadrant
CA: but i didnt go through wwith it cause i figured youd nevver evven consider that kinda relationship wwith me
CA: thought there wwas some bad blood betwween us yknoww
GA: Oh
GA: Really
GA: You Would Have Wanted To Be My Moirail
CA: wwell yeah kan
CA: sorry if this comes off as indecent or anythin but i think youd be an amazin fuckin moirail
CA: i actually kinda thought youd be out a my fuckin league entirely
GA: You Cant Possibly Mean That
CA: im absolutely fuckin searious here
CA: cross my collapsin and expandin bladder based aquatic vvascular system an hope to die
GA: Really
GA: Even After The Whole Thing With Me And Vriska
CA: oh come on kan
CA: i GET the thing betwween you an vvris ok
CA: ivve been there
GA: Yes I Suppose
GA: Honestly Whenever I Considered Other Candidates For My Pale Quadrant You Were My First Thought For Precisely That Reason
CA: wwoww really
GA: Yeah
GA: But Now I Dont Have Any Idea Where To Start Looking
GA: No Offense But You Were Kind Of My Last Resort
CA: haha none taken
CA: but seariously kan youd be a great moirail
CA: pretty much anybody wwould be happy to havve you in their pale quadrant
CA: wwell
CA: cept fef maybe
GA: What
CA: er
CA: shit nevvermind
GA: No Hold On
GA: Why Would Feferi In Particular Have A Problem With Me
CA: wwell
CA: back wwhen wwe wwere moirails she nevver really approvved of you an me talkin the wway wwe did
CA: thought you wwere lookin for a moirail on the side or somethin ridiculous like that
CA: alwways told me she thought you wwerent takin your responsibilities as a moirail seariously
GA: Wait
GA: Did She Actually Say That
GA: In Confidence
CA: wwell
CA: kind of but
GA: Can You Copy Exactly What She Said
CA: no look just forget i said anythin ok
CA: im not tryin to spread any malicious libel here
CA: i wwas just tryin to tell you wwhere not to look for a moirail
CA: god damnit i nevver should havve evven brought this up
GA: Well
GA: If You Insist
GA: Anyway Speaking Of Feferi Im Sorry Things Didnt Work Out Between The Two Of You
CA: nah its fine
CA: im pretty much ovver it
CA: the wwhole split betwween us wwas pretty much entirely my fault anywway
GA: I Dont Know
GA: Im Kind Of Tempted To Take Your Side On The Whole Affair
CA: wwhat
GA: I Mean She Used Your Moirallegiance To Coerce You Into Committing Mass Murder In Order To Feed Her Lusus
GA: And Then Literally As Soon As You Stopped Being Of Use To Her She Broke Off The Whole Thing
GA: Maybe Its Just A Coincidence But If It Was Then I Have To Say Her Timing Was Impeccable
GA: Im Not Really Sure Where She Gets Off Saying Im The One Whos Not Taking The Responsibilities Of Moirallegiance Seriously After She Has The Audacity To Pull Something Like That
CA: wwhoa kan sloww dowwn here ok
CA: i dont hate her or anything
CA: i mean the wwhole thing wwasnt wworkin out for both of us an i dont really blame her for wwantin to end it
CA: evven if the timin wwas a little suspect
CA: anywway things are a lot better wwith me an gam so really the wwhole thing wworked out for the best
GA: Yeah I Guess
GA: It Seems Like Youve Done Quite A Bit For Him Already
GA: Getting Him Off The Sopor And Hooking Him Up With Tavros
GA: Its Quite Impressive Actually
CA: yeah but i cant really take credit for any a that
CA: thats pretty much all tavvs doin
CA: all i did wwas take him off the slime an then nearly get fuckin clowwnmurdered
GA: Well Yes Some Initial Bumps Are To Be Expected
GA: But How Are Things Between You Now
CA: pretty good actually its kinda surprisin
CA: wwevve sorta agreed not to evven bring up the wwhole freakout
CA: cause wwhenevver it comes up all wwe evver do is take turns blamin ourselvves for it
CA: he thinks its his fault for flippin out in the first place
CA: an im like no you dumb fuck its not that simple
CA: anywway sides that wwe mostly just drink faygo an shoot the shit about our problems
GA: Faygo
CA: yes
GA: Seriously
CA: kan please dont start this ok
CA: its just soda
CA: like if anybody else had any other fuckin brand a soda id start drinkin it just so people wwould stop givvin me shit ovver it
CA: but faygos all i got so fuck it
GA: Well I Just
GA: I Never Took You For Such An Avid Soda Drinker
GA: I Always Thought You Would Prefer Some More Refined Beverage
GA: Like Tea For Instance
CA: please kan theres no more refined bevverage than soda
CA: its got like fifty fuckin grams a refined sugars per servvin
GA: Haha I Guess Thats One Way Of Looking At It
GA: Anyway Im Glad Things Are Going Well For You Two
CA: yeah thanks
CA: an i hope you find yourself a moirail evventually
CA: i mean if anybody deservves a good one its you
GA: Thank You Eridan
GA: But Honestly Im Not Even Sure How Much I Need One Right Now
GA: I Mean Things Are Good With Vriska
GA: And Its Not Like Ive Got Any Major Emotional Crises I Need Support With Right Now
GA: Heh
GA: Except Not Having A Moirail I Suppose
CA: haha yeah i guess
CA: wwell if you dont think its that high a priority maybe its for the best you just sit on it
CA: wwait for them to come to you
CA: wworst case scenario is itll come dowwn to you an fef
CA: but honestly shes alwways been pretty hung up on her pale quadrant so shes probably activvely lookin right noww
CA: youll probably end up dodgin that bullet entirely
GA: Hmm
GA: Maybe Youre Right
GA: Im Probably Overreacting To This Whole Situation Anyway
GA: Thanks Eridan
CA: yeah no problem
CA: wwait
CA: this doesnt count as pale infidelity or anythin like that does it
GA: Honestly
GA: Im Not Sure Pale Infidelity Is Even A Thing
CA: seariously
GA: Well No I Mean It Just Seems Like A Vast Oversimplification To Call It Pale Infidelity Whenever People Talk About Their Problems With Each Other
GA: Its Like Saying Its Black Infidelity Whenever You Call Someone An Idiot
GA: Or Calling It Ashen Infidelity Every Time You Tell Two People To Stop Calling Each Other Idiots
GA: I Mean I Probably Shouldnt Be Saying Pale Infidelity Isnt A Thing But It Seems A Little Knee Jerk To Just Throw The Term Around Whenever Two Friends Talk About Feelings
CA: um
CA: ok
GA: Sorry This Has Just Been Kind Of A Thing Recently
CA: fair enough i guess
GA: Okay We Kind Of Really Got Off Track Here And There Was Something Else I Needed To Tell You
GA: Vriska Asked Me To Make Costumes For Everyone Participating In Tonights Flarping Session
GA: So Please Alchemize This
GA: dEaAsPaO
CA: ok givve me a second
CA: oh
CA: oh wwoww
CA: kan this is
CA: this is fuckin amazing
GA: Im Glad You Find It Satisfactory
CA: satisfactory are you fuckin kiddin me
CA: kan this looks like somethin thatd be on display in a fuckin museum
CA: seariously i mean orphaner dualscar only exists in drawwins these days but id swwear this wwas taken from a fuckin photograph
CA: like
CA: this is pretty much the best thing evver
CA: thank you kan
GA: Well Youre Certainly Welcome
GA: But Vriska Is The One You Should Be Thanking
GA: She Wanted Everyones Costumes To Be Perfect Because She Really Wants This Whole Flarping Night To Be Special
GA: So If You Can Please Make Sure She Has A Good Time
CA: wwell a course kan
CA: anythin for a friend
GA: Thank You
GA: I Really Hate To Ask This Of You Again
GA: But Please Please Please Dont Hurt Her
CA: kan i understand your concern
CA: but vvris practically doesnt evven concern me at this point
CA: ivve got my crosshairs set on another target entirely
GA: What
GA: You Mean Terezi
GA: What Could You Possibly Want To Do To Her
CA: think about it kan
GA: Im Not Sure What There Is To Think About
GA: Unless
GA: Um
GA: Oh
GA: Oh My
GA: Eridan Are You
GA: Are You Saying That You Intend To Woo Miss Pyrope
CA: no im not sayin im gonna fuckin wwoo her
CA: wwoo is like the shittiest possible wword to describe wwhat im doin
CA: i intend to COURT her
CA: if youre gonna draww conclusions like this could you at least attempt to use a little more fuckin dignified vvocabulary
GA: My Apologies
GA: But
GA: Wow
GA: Thats Just
GA: Kind Of Unusual Is All
CA: is it really that bad
GA: No No Im Not Saying Its Bad At All
GA: I Mean Thinking About It I Think You Two Would Actually Make For A Pretty Cute Couple
CA: theres that wword again
CA: wwhy do people keep sayin its cute
CA: like wwhat about me or ter is in any fuckin wway cute
GA: I Dont Know
GA: I Mean By All Rights The Two Of You Combined Should Be Intimidating
GA: But Somehow The Amalgam Of Your Various Eccentricities Evokes Something More Along The Lines Of A Pair Of Comic Relief Villains From A Wigglers Evening Cartoon
CA: im
CA: im not really sure howw to take that
GA: If You Dont Mind My Asking
GA: Were You Intending To Pursue Her As A Flushed Or Caliginous Partner
CA: flushed
CA: ivve got other plans for my obsidian quadrant entirely
GA: Yes I Believe I Saw You Allude To Those On A Recent Memo
GA: Something About An Angel Descending From The Skies On Wings Of Viridian Flame
GA: Its A Very Colorful Metaphor
CA: in retrospect its a little melodramatic but yeah
GA: I Was Just Wondering Why In Particular You Chose To Use The Word Viridian
GA: Are You Entirely Aware Of What It Means
CA: wwell
CA: it just means green right
GA: Actually To Be Specific Its A More Bluish Shade Of Green
GA: It Might Be More Accurate To Say It Refers To The Color
GA: Um
GA: Jade
CA: er
CA: no no no fuck thats not wwhat i meant at all
CA: kan i got no interest in you wwhatsoevver caliginously speakin
CA: sorry if you got that message from me it wwas just bad wword choice is all
GA: I Kind Of Figured As Much
CA: i wwas just sayin vviridian instead a green cause it sounded more dramatic an it had a vv in it
CA: not really sure wwhat other wword i could use for the color wwithout just outright sayin it
CA: i guess chartreuse wwould be a little more on the mark but fuck if that isnt just the least dramatic fuckin wword evver
GA: Chartreuse
GA: I Guess That Would Be Closer To
GA: Wait
GA: Wait Wait Wait No
GA: You Cannot Possibly Mean Who I Think You Mean
CA: ok kan wwith all due respect i dont really wwant to talk about this particular plot right noww
CA: its a little further off an right noww i really need to focus all my think pan space on this thing wwith ter
GA: Thats Fine I Guess
GA: But I Mean
GA: Seriously
GA: Her
GA: ??????
CA: kan
CA: i am deadly fuckin serious about this
CA: an im not fuckin talkin about it anymore
CA: alright
GA: Okay
GA: I Mean Youre Completely Insane But Okay
GA: Anyway I Guess I Wish You Luck With Miss Pyrope
GA: Im Glad That Youre Over The Whole Thing With Feferi
GA: Honestly You Can Do Better Than Her Anyway
CA: uh
CA: thanks i guess
GA: Dont Mention It
GA: And As Always If Theres Any Way I Can Help Id Be Glad To Assist
CA: actually there is one wway you could
CA: though i realize this is ridiculously bold a me to ask
GA: What Is It
CA: wwell
CA: havve you by any chance evver gone through that ancient journal vvris is alwways haulin around
GA: You Mean Mindfangs Journal
GA: Yes Ive Gone Through It Once Or Twice
GA: Why
CA: wwell then by any chance did you happen to read anythin about a certain jadeblooded slavve the marquise wwas fond of
GA: Well Yes But
GA: Um
GA: Wait
GA: Are You Asking Me To Participate In This
CA: that wwas kinda the idea
CA: but mind you it wwont be as a combatant
CA: id just like you to be present for a little surprise
GA: Hmmm
CA: i realize this is a lot to ask and i got pretty much nothin to offer you in return
CA: an then theres the wwhole bit about havvin to make a wwhole neww costume for yourself
GA: Oh
GA: Oh Yes I Suppose I Would Need A Costume Wouldnt I
GA: Id Need To Craft A Dress Fitted For Only The Closest And Most Beloved Of Mindfangs Slaves
GA: Something Light And Exotic And Scandalously Revealing
GA: An Outfit That Somehow Symbolizes Both Status And Prestige And Also Complete And Utter Objectification
CA: uh
CA: i guess
GA: My Goodness That Would Certainly Be A Challenge
GA: Especially To Complete It In Less Than Twenty Four Hours
GA: I Love It
CA: wwhat
CA: really
GA: Eridan Id Be Overjoyed To Help You In Your Little Gambit
GA: And Dont Feel Any Need To Compensate Me
GA: Really The Excuse To Make Another Dress Is Payment Enough For Me
CA: oh wwell great
CA: thanks a lot kan
GA: Its Truly My Pleasure
GA: Im Always Happy For An Excuse To Put My Tailoring Skills To Work
GA: In Fact Part Of The Reason I Hope This Flarping Session Goes So Well is Vriska Promised To Let Me Make You All Some More Fashion Conscious Costumes For Future Sessions
CA: oh shit really
GA: Yes
GA: I Mean No Offense To Any Of Your Ancestors But They All Made Some Pretty Regrettable Decisions With Regard To Their Apparel
GA: Like I Dont Understand Why So Many Of Them Insist On Mixing Their Blood Colors With Awful Tacky Splashes Of Bright Red
CA: oh man fuckin tell me about it
CA: i just dont get these broads and their fuckin obsession wwith that particular shade a crimson
GA: But I Mean At Least Mindfang Has The Decency To Limit It Strictly To Her Boots
GA: Redglare On The Other Hand Just Has To Wear It All Over And
GA: Ugh
CA: haha yeah i knoww
CA: too bad none a them wwere fortunate enough to havve an ancestor as fashionable as dualscar
GA: Well
CA: wwhat
CA: oh no dont evven start on me
GA: Look Dualscars Outfit Is
GA: Okay I Guess
GA: But I Mean
GA: The Cape
CA: wwhats wwrong wwith the cape
GA: Whats Wrong With The Cape Is That Its Fucking Ridiculous
GA: With The Huge Spikes Coming Off The Shoulders
GA: Combined With The Spiky Armor And The Striped Pants And The Complete Absence Of Sleeves Frankly Its Kind Of A Disaster
CA: alright look kan wwere friends an all
CA: but if you start hatin on capes im afraid wwe are OVVER
GA: Look I Dont Have Anything Against Capes In General
GA: But Arent They Kind Of A Thing For Special Occasions
GA: Like I Dont See How You Can Wear A Cape Every Day
CA: cause theyre fuckin badass ok
CA: sides i look fuckin amazin in a cape and you knoww it
GA: Well Of Course You Do
GA: I Mean With Your Broad Shoulders Youre Practically Built For A Cape
GA: But There Are Other Things That Would Look Just As Good On You
CA: like wwhat
GA: Well For One I Think Youd Look Absolutely Dashing In Something Like A Peacoat With A Nice Set Of Epaulettes
CA: wwhat are epaulettes
GA: Epaulettes Are Those
GA: Um
GA: Ugh I Feel Like I Should Be Culled For Defining Such A Beautiful Elegant Word Using Such Silly Terms
GA: But Epaulettes Are Those Little Frilly Things That Naval Officers Wear On Their Shoulders
CA: oh yeah the little frillies
CA: fuck yeah i lovve those things
CA: yeah thatd be badass runnin around in somethin like that
CA: throww a scarf on top a that an id be fuckin set
GA: Do You Really Have To Wear A Scarf
CA: kan wwevve been ovver this
GA: Yes Yes I Know
GA: Honestly Eridan Your Neck Isnt That Long Youre Just Being Overly Self Conscious
CA: kan youre just bein nice noww
CA: my neck is freakishly long an you fuckin knoww it
CA: im like a
CA: fuck is there evven such a thing as a neckbeast
CA: evven if there is it makes for a shitty fuckin simile
CA: wwhy couldnt wwe havve some other name for it that didnt make it so fuckin obvvious
GA: Even If Your Neck Is As Abominably Long As You Think It Is There Are Other Ways Of Covering It Up
GA: I Mean You Could Just Wear Something With A High Collar
GA: Or Maybe Toss It Up A Little And Wear Something Like A Cravat
CA: wwell
CA: a cravvat wwouldnt be so bad i guess
CA: man i really missed all this fashion talk
CA: youre like the only other troll that seems to givve a shit about stuff like this
GA: Yes Its Quite Regrettable
GA: But Really Im Always Happy To Talk With You About It
GA: I Might Even Be Willing To Design A Few Articles Of Clothing For You If Youd Allow It
CA: course id alloww it kan
CA: youre pretty the best tailor there evver fuckin wwas
GA: Thats Very Flattering Of You To Say Eridan
CA: no i mean it
CA: like this dualscar outfit is a fuckin masterpiece
CA: really kan thanks for this
CA: an thanks for agreein to help me in my little scheme
CA: an for evverything really
GA: Youre Welcome Eridan
GA: And Thank You For Agreeing To Humor Vriskas Little Diversion
GA: Even If It Is All Part Of Some Sneaky Romance Ambush
CA: yeah no problem
CA: wwell
CA: ill see you tomorroww i guess
GA: Yes You Certainly Will
GA: And I Promise You You Wont Be Disappointed With My Performance
GA: Or My Costume For That Matter
CA: trust me theres no wway i could be disappointed wwith your costume
GA: Of Course
GA: But I Suppose This Is Farewell For Now
CA: yep that wwas the plan
GA: Alright
GA: Well
GA: Have A Good Day Eridan
GA: And Good Luck With Your Scheme
CA: yeah same to you
CA: ill see you around kan

caligulasAquarium [CA] ceased trolling grimAuxiliatrix [GA].

Chapter 11: The Death of Spinneret Mindfang

Chapter 11

The Death of Spinneret Mindfang

Vriska Serket stood at the bow of the ship, staring out at the open sea in deep contemplation. Above her sprawled the cartographic firmament of the Land of Maps and Treasure, painted a warm spectrum of reds and yellows and purples by the distant Skaia just beginning to dip below the horizon. The massive galleon stood immobile in the gently roiling ocean, and from her vantage point at its head, it seemed to stretch endlessly, without the slightest hint of dry land in sight. The ship's bright orange sails were each emblazoned with a great golden sun, the symbol of Light, as a testament to the vessel's conquest by the Thief just days before. Surely at least a hundred able-bodied men would have been required to crew the vessel, but the petticoat seagrift stood on the deck alone. After all, she wasn't going anywhere soon.

Vriska crossed her arms as she continued to survey the horizon. She wore a long black coat that stretched to her knees, highlighted with a maze of curling cerulean lines bordered in a fine silver filigree and the sign of Scorpio inscribed on her left breast. The coat opened at her waist to reveal a black and cerulean spiderweb-patterned skirt over a simple pair of black trousers, which were tucked into a pair of bright red leather boots that reached up to her knees, laced with silver threads and inlaid with a dazzling pattern of silver and gold. Her waist was bound with a red leather belt, and on her left side it held a cobalt blue cutlass that ended in a wicked-looking barb, while the right held a circular holster bearing eight bright blue octahedral dice. A holographic headset was just barely visible under her unruly mass of hair, and she reached up to her temple to extend a telescoping microphone to her mouth.

"As the illustrious Marquise Spinneret Mindfang observed the vast expanse of the open sea," Vriska began to narrate, "she reflected on the course of events that brought her here. Every step of the way, she looked out for herself, and her skill and luck had carried her this far." She looked down at the figurehead with a dissatisfied look. "But it couldn't go on. Even though she had endured every adversity fate had seen fit to throw at her, she had nothing. Her enemies were legion, and her survival came at the expense of her friends, her allies..." She sighed. "Even her lover. She'd used up all her second chances, and if she continued like this, she'd knew soon she'd be the one walking the plank."

She looked up to the sky, a glimmer of hope in her eyes. "She thought once more of the revolutionary, the man with the auburn wings. The man fated to be her matesprit... and her killer. Maybe he would be the one to take her life... or maybe he could give her a new lease on it. A chance to put all her sins behind her, and to fight for a cause more noble than simple self-preservation. She realized her life of crime was rapidly reaching its end, but perhaps he could give her a new beginning."

Vriska's gaze once more lowered to the deck. "But as long as she was chased by the ghosts of the past, she would never know peace, and she knew two in particular who would never give up the hunt as long as she lived. Her thoughts turned to Neophyte Redglare, the legislacerator determined to bring her to justice. Mindfang's crimes were innumerable, and she knew it would be certain death to face His Honorable Tyranny. But Redglare would never stop until she was incarcerated. There was no room in her narrow worldview for redemption or atonement. There was only innocence or guilt, and the guilty existed to be culled. No, Mindfang and Redglare could not coexist. The legislacerator's pursuit would persist for as long as they both lived, and it was for that reason Mindfang knew one of them would die tonight."

Vriska sighed and lifted her head, scowling into the setting Battlefield. "Her thoughts turned to the other unpleasant reminder of her past: her former partner and kismesis... or rather, former partner and former kismesis, Orphaner Dualscar. The odious blackguard dared to think himself Mindfang's equal, but in the end, she knew him to be a mere sycophant, a mindless lackey--and hopeless suitor--to Her Imperious Condescension. She once mocked and tormented him, thinking him to be a harmless nuisance... until he took from her the one person she held most dear. Remembering the jade-blooded slave, Mindfang's heart filled with regret... and with rage. Her hatred for the seadweller had once been romantic, but he had gone too far, and now her only desire of him was to drag her blade across his vile throat."

The look on Vriska's face turned to one of grim determination, and her stance straightened. "But it would all end on this very night. Mindfang had challenged Redglare to a duel, one chance to settle things between them once and for all. And though she never informed Dualscar of the event, she was sure he would leap at the opportunity to catch her weakened after a great struggle... or to spit on her corpse, at any rate. But no matter what would transpire, Mindfang knew there were only two possible outcomes: they both would die, or she would."

After a brief pause, a bored voice came to life in Vriska's ear. "Okay, are you done with your little soliloquy? Can I come in now?"

Vriska let out a long, irritated sigh. "Terezi, I was having a moment, and you just killed it," she said, holding her ear in the universal gesture for out-of-character speech.

"Hehehehe, sorry," Terezi said with almost laudable insincerity, "but I'm getting a little bored just floating out here in the middle of the ocean."

"Terezi, that was your cue anyway!" Vriska complained, rolling her eyes. "Just come to the fucking ship already!"

"Okay, okay!" Terezi relented. "Jegus, don't get your bulge in a knot over it."

A moment later, a shape began to approach from the port bow of the ship. It was the flickering hologram of a massive white dragon, and Terezi Pyrope was perched on its back, held in place by a diligent cloud of gaming flapstractions. As the dragon approached the ship, it suddenly turned and took a sharp dive. Terezi took a flying leap off its back, landing firmly on the deck, and the dragon rose once more, circling around the ship high in the sky.

Terezi rose to her feet in the middle of the ship and turned to face Vriska at the bow, brandishing a white cane, its tip adorned with the fiercely gazing head of her crimson-eyed dragonyyyd companion. She wore a button-up top and a small high-collared vest, both fashioned from a scarlet silk that shimmered brilliantly in the setting sun. They were both trimmed with a faint gold filigree, and the top's golden buttons were inlaid with the heretical symbol of the Signless in crimson. The top terminated just above her stomach in a semicircular cut, and its thick black hem combined with a black strap across her abdomen to form the unmistakable shape of the symbol of LIbra. From her waist, four long bands of red silk flowed down her front, back, and sides to form an ersatz skirt, each hemmed with elaborate images of dragons and gallows woven in gold thread. A pair of scarlet boots and gloves completed the ensemble, and under the entire outfit she wore a form-fitting bodysuit in the same color as her blood.

She glared at Vriska behind her usual ruby-red eyewear. "Enjoy the sunset while you can, Mindfang," she sneered. "It'll be the last you'll see as a free woman."

Vriska laughed to herself. "Oh, Redglare, I'm delighted you could make it," she replied sarcastically, still looking to the horizon. "You're a pleasure to speak with as always."

"I'm not here for pleasure, Mindfang," Terezi replied, gripping her cane in both hands. "I'm here on business, and that business just happens to be taking you in."

Vriska finally turned to face Terezi, a frustrated look on her face. "Yes, that always was the problem, wasn't it?" she asked. pacing towards Terezi. "All you ever cared about was business. Too devoted to your duties to recognize a good opportunity when it presented itself to you."

Terezi balked. "I'm not interested, Mindfang."

"Oh, come on, Redglare," Vriska fired back, continuing to close the distance. "Don't tell me you don't feel it." She stopped in front of Terezi and cradled a hand around her chin, staring into her bespectacled eyes with a wicked grin. "This pure, unadulterated hatred that exists between us."

"You overstate our relationship," Terezi protested. "I hate you because you are a criminal and a scoundrel. That is all."

Vriska frowned, and she wrenched her hand away from Terezi's jaw. "Tell yourself whatever you must, Redglare," she said, turning from and taking a few steps away. She suddenly stopped. "But if your hatred for me is truly as platonic as you think..." she said, and turned back to face Terezi. "Why didn't you attack me just now, when my back was turned?"

Terezi just scoffed at her. "I'm not here to kill you, Mindfang," she answered. "I'm here to bring you to trial."

Vriska spread her arms in a wide shrug. "What's the difference, Redglare?" she asked. "Surely my crimes are great and many enough to warrant a certain culling. Why all the artifice? Why not just cut to the chase and kill me now?"

"I will, if you continue to resist arrest," Terezi growled. "But it is not my place to dole out justice, as much as I wish at times it were. The word of His Honorable Tyranny is law, and it is not my place to claim to speak for him."

"Yes, of course," Vriska said with a sigh. "Well, as sorry as I am to disappoint, I won't go quietly. Facing the courts would be certain death."

"Then I'm afraid it comes to this," Terezi said, brandishing her cane menacingly.

Vriska gave her a final, pleading look. "I don't want to have to kill you, Redglare."

"Nor I you, Mindfang," Terezi replied, her scowl softening the slightest bit. "But you've left me with little choice."

"I suppose so," Vriska said, and pulled the cutlass from her side. "Well, I'm sorry in advance for killing you." She let out a dry laugh. "Just business." Two gaming flapstractions appeared over the roleplayers' heads and projected an array of meters over each of their heads.

Vriska made the first move, lunging at Terezi with a vicious overhand swing. Terezi sidestepped it and retaliated with a wide swing of her cane, which Vriska quickly turned and blocked. The two quickly settled into a frantic rhythm of swings, blocks, thrusts, and parries.

"Why do you fight me so fiercely, Mindfang?" Terezi asked between blows. "Surely you realize that even if you defeat me, there are other legislacerators who will pursue you."

"Are there, Redglare?" Vriska replied with a flirtatiously cocked eyebrow. "I've always suspected your vendetta with me is more personal than you're willing to let on."

"Don't flatter yourself." Terezi spat back. "I pursue you because your continued freedom makes a mockery of the Alternian justice system. You are scum, and your crimes are unforgivable." She scored a glancing blow against Vriska's shoulder, causing one of the meters above her head to flash red and deplete the slightest bit.

Vriska just snarled in response. "Really, Redglare? Unforgivable? Is there truly nothing I can do to make up for my past transgressions?"

Terezi glared. "Your redemption can only come at the end of a noose."

"Always such a wonderful conversationalist, Redglare," Vriska muttered in response, then suddenly took on a serious look. "Did it ever occur to you that perhaps redemption is exactly what I seek? That I wish to make amends for all the wrongs I've done?"

"No," Terezi replied flatly.

"Well, I do!" Vriska shouted as the tip of her sword nicked Terezi's arm. The dull blade did no damage to her outfit, but the flapstractions registered damage nonetheless. "I've grown tired of the life of a gamblignant. I'm sick of sacrificing everyone dear to me in the name of self-preservation. I just want to put all this behind me." Vriska's attacks were intensifying, and Terezi found herself on the defensive, backing towards the cabin wall.

"You can't just walk away from your past, Mindfang!" Terezi asserted. "You've hurt too many people! And the only possible recompense is to see you culled." Despite her bravado, she was too preoccupied with defending against Vriska's assault to make an attack herself.

"To hell with that!" Vriska roared with determination. "I'm not going to throw my life away in the name of your so-called justice! I'll live to see myself redeemed, even if I have to kill you to do it!" In one swift motion, she deflected Terezi's cane, then brought her sword across her chest in a heavy two-handed slash, taking a massive chunk off of one of Terezi's many vitality gauges. Terezi staggered from the force of the blow, and seeing an opening, Vriska gave her a fierce kick in the solar plexus. She stumbled back and collapsed against the deck, head and shoulders propped against the wall of the cabin, and her cane clattered out of her hand.

Before Terezi could react, Vriska pinned her against the wall with a boot to her neck. She reached her right hand over to grab her cane, but Vriska quickly thrust the tip of her sword between the two.

"Hands at your sides, Redglare," Vriska growled. Terezi just glowered at her, but complied. "Good girl," she said with a wicked grin. "You know, I really don't want to kill you, Redglare. This can all go away with two little words. 'Not guilty.' What do you say?"

Terezi just sneered at her. "I had another two words in mind."

The smile instantly vanished from Vriska's face. "Defiant to the end, eh?" she said, then let out a dry laugh. "It's such a shame, really. You'd have made a fine kismesis."

"Finer even than me, Mindfang?"

A clawed hand reached up to grasp the edge of the ship, and over the gunwale leapt the armored figure of Eridan Ampora. He came to a landing on the deck behind Vriska, and a second later his cape fell behind him. He rose to his full height, brandishing a very convincing replica of Ahab's Crosshairs in his right hand. He wore a cuirass of black and violet metal inlaid with wavy patterns of gold and encrusted with stones of diamond and amethyst, the layers of jagged-edged plates forming the sign of Aquarius across his chest. Over it he wore a long silk mantle in matching violet, with four free-standing spikes rising behind his head. The cape stretched below his striped black and purple trousers, terminating just below the tops of his thick black leather boots. Below his pauldrons, his arms were bare save for two pairs of bejeweled gold bracelets.

Vriska turned her head to face the new arrival, but didn't let her gaze leave the captive Redglare. "Ah, Dualscar," she greeted him. "You're just in time to see me execute a much more worthy rival."

Eridan placed both hands on his rifle and leveled it at the gamblignant. "I'm afraid that's not an option, Mindfang. I'll have to ask you to step away from the legislacerator."

"Oh, really?" Vriska replied, raising an eyebrow. "And why is that?"

"'Cause regardless a' the circumstances," he clarified, looking down at Terezi, "any enemy a' yours is a friend a' mine." Terezi gave him a subtle nod in response.

Vriska laughed to herself and turned to him. "Well, that's awfully pragmatic on your part, Dualscar," she mused, "but what makes you think Miss Redglare has any interest in joining forces with a murderous scoundrel like you?" As she spoke, Terezi slowly reached a hand over to her cane.

Eridan gave Vriska a smug grin. "I'd say she has precious little recourse at the moment."

Suddenly, Terezi grabbed the end of her cane and swung it, but Vriska caught it with her left hand, the cane's head stopping inches from her face. "And lesser still by the second." she said, and wrenched the cane from Terezi's hand. "Nice try, Redglare." She lifted the cane to admire the dragon's head on its tip. "Though I must say, this is a fine weapon you have here. Or had here, rather."

"Do you like it?" Terezi asked with a smirk. "It was a gift from a pouncellor."

As Vriska puzzled over her response, Terezi fiddled with something in her left pocket. The dragon's head on her cane opened its mouth, and Vriska only had time to open widen her eyes in shock before an explosion erupted from its pearlescent maw. Vriska was sent reeling from the blast, and she released her grip from the cane and her sword both. Terezi quickly rose and scooped up her cane, gripping it in both hands, and maneuvered over to the portside of the ship next to Eridan. Vriska clambered to her feet on the starboard side and rapped her hand against the holster at her belt, releasing the Flourite Octet into her palm.

"Hold!" she cried, holding the Octet in the air in warning. "Not a step closer, or I'll let the Octet fly!"

"Why don't you just give up, Mindfang?" Eridan demanded, waving his rifle at her. "Even with your fancy dice, you're outnumbered two to one."

Vriska let out a harsh laugh. "What a joke! I'm the only thing holding you two together!" She gave a skeptical glance between the odd couple. "Your precious alliance may hold up for now, but once I'm out of the picture, you'll be on each other like rabid howlbeasts!"

"Please. I'm only here to tie up a loose end," he answered matter-of-factly. "I've no quarrel with the legislacerators."

Terezi gave him a sidelong glance. "No quarrel?" she repeated. "If you've broken the law, you've plenty of quarrel with me, Dualscar."

"Yeah, Dualscar!" Vriska said with an amused grin. "Do you really think Miss Blind Justice over here is gonna just overlook the fact that you're a criminal scumbag?"

"Excuse me?" Eridan balked at her. "A scumbag I may be, but I am no criminal."

"Hahahahahahahaha, that's rich!" she said, doing her best not to double over in laughter. "Admit it, Dualscar. You're a pirate just like me."

"I must correct you," Eridan replied, taking a hand off his rifle to raise a critical finger. "While you may be a pirate, I am, in fact, a privateer. There's a subtle, but very important difference."

Vriska cocked an eyebrow at him. "And just what kind of difference is that?"

"A legal one," Terezi butted in. "Privateers work under the direct orders of Her Imperious Condescension, and if they should happen to breach the law in the course of their duties, a legislacerator is generally disinclined to charge them with anything," and she paused to glance over to Eridan once more, "provided, of course, they can present a legitimate letter of marque."

"But of course," Eridan replied, producing a scroll case from the pocket of his trousers. "It would hardly to do ply my trade without it." He tossed it to Terezi, who caught it effortlessly.

"Very well, let's see," she said, removing the scroll from its case. She unfurled it and took a long, deep whiff. "Ah yes, feeding duties," she immediately recognized, then planted a few pinpoint probes on the document with the tip of her tongue for clarification. "Permission to cull any seafaring troll blue-blooded or lower, provided the lusus is tossed into the sea. The holder is allowed a percentage of all monetary spoils and full rights to all other non-contraband salvage acquired in the line of duty. Stamped with the Imperial seal. It appears to be genuine," she concluded, then rose a concerned eyebrow at Eridan, "with the minor complication of it having been recently terminated."

Eridan looked away from the two girls, a look of hurt on his face. "Yes, I'm afraid Her Imperious Condescension no longer requires my services," he muttered. "There's been somethin' of a stir in the imperial courts. It seems Emissary has been silenced."

"What?! That's impossible!" Vriska exclaimed, lowering the Octet. "If that abomination were dead, it'd have taken us all with it!"

"I can't speak to the veracity a' the claim," Eridan answered, looking back up at her. "Only repeatin' what my fellows told me when their contracts were ended likewise." He laughed dryly to himself. "Suits me just fine, I suppose. I was lookin' for a change of employment anyway."

"And what would that be, Dualscar?" Vriska asked, sneering at him. "Official imperial bootlicker?"

"Shut your gob, Mindfang!" Eridan growled back at her. "I may be loyal to Her Imperious Condescension, but i'm no sycophant! The truth is..." he started, and looked away once more, the pained expression returning to his face, "she isn't the woman I imagined her to be. She can be cruel and arbitrary... an' it seems I've outlived my usefulness to her." He shook his head and looked back up. "But it's just as well. This line a' work doesn't sit well with me anymore. I've grown tired a' killin' in her name."

Vriska looked at him skeptically. "Well, if you're so tired of killing, Dualscar, what brought you here tonight?"

"I'm here to officially put an end to our little partnership," Eridan answered, leveling his rifle at her once more. "Frankly, I'd rather not be associated with you anymore... 'cept as your killer, perhaps."

"Wh..." Vriska started, then gave a disgusted sigh and grabbed her ear. "Eridan, you can't be a repentant killer looking to eliminate a dark reminder of his past so he can move on with his life! That's what I'm doing!"

Eridan rolled his eyes and grabbed his headfin as well. "Oh, come on, Vris, you think you're the only one tired a' playin' a mass-murderin' fuckhead?" he asked rhetorically. "Cut me some fuckin' slack here."

Vriska groaned and rolled her eyes. "Yeah, but you're stealing my thing!!"

"Well, I think it's interesting!" Terezi interjected, putting a hand on her ear.

"What?!" Vriska shouted at her in disbelief. "Really, Terezi, you're taking his side out-of-character too?!"

"Look, I just think both of you doing the 'villain seeking to redeem themselves' thing actually makes the whole scenario a lot more engaging," Terezi explained. "Especially considering the fact that each of your stakes at redemption is hinged on the death of the other. It practically ensures the whole thing will end tragically."

"Yeah, Vris," Eridan concurred, offering up a bargaining palm, "wouldn't you be willin' to make a concession for drama's sake?"

Vriska crossed her arms and looked away. "Well..." she said, mulling it over, "I suppose I shouldn't be letting my personal pride get in the way of good storytelling."

Terezi stifled a laugh. "Seriously?"

"Yes, seriously!" Vriska shouted, uncrossing her arms to thrust her fists down angrily at her sides. "Shut up, Terezi!"

"Hehehe, fine," Terezi said. "It's just a little funny coming from you." She took her hand off her ear to put the letter of marque back in its case and toss it to Eridan, who stuffed it in his pocket once more.

Vriska just grumbled something to herself, then took her hand off her ear. "Well, if you really want to terminate our relationship, I'd be happy to oblige," she said, shaking the Fluorite Octet in her hand. "Here, let this be the official conclusion!"

She rolled the dice at Terezi, and as they landed, a bevy of holographic daggers sprung into the air, then launched themselves at Terezi and Eridan both. Eridan managed to get a shot off at Vriska, but she ducked under it as she rushed to pick up her sword once more, and he was forced to dive out of the way of a barrage of daggers before he could fire again. As the Octet kept Terezi occupied with dodging projectiles, Vriska advanced on Eridan, cutlass at the ready.

"You know, I'm glad you showed up when you did, Dualscar," she growled at him. "I really wanted to kill you first."

"Well, I'm flattered you think so highly of me, Mindfang," Eridan sneered back. He tried to fire at her, but she lunged at him before the Crosshairs could fully charge, and he was forced to block the blow with the stock of his rifle.

"Fuck you, Dualscar," Vriska spat at him, continuing to lash at him with her cutlass. "You were never worthy of being my kismesis. You aren't even worthy of feeding my lusus."

"You're wrong, Mindfang," Eridan said with an indignant glare as he backed away from Vriska. "I was always worthy a' bein' your kismesis. It's your own fault it took such drastic measures to remind you."

"You went too far, Dualscar!" Vriska shouted as she brought her sword down at Eridan with both hands. He rolled to the side, and they eyed each other warily for a moment. "If you really wanted to prove yourself, you should've known better than to target my other quadrants. The only desire your stunt roused from me was one to plant a blade in your chest."

"You brought it upon yourself, Mindfang," Eridan retorted, holding his rifle steady. "You were always tauntin' an' teasin', playin' little games with me. Can you blame me for wantin' to up the ante?"

Vriska scowled at him. "No, but I can kill you for it."

The Fluorite Octet's onslaught fizzled out, and Terezi was at last able to contribute to the conversation again. "What are you two talking about?" she inquired.

"Ancient history," Vriska quipped. She dove toward the Octet, and Eridan fired upon her fractions of a second later. The shot clipped her side, and a few of her life bars flashed and decremented. "Needless to say, Dualscar's as inept at caliginous romance as he is at everything else," she said as she scooped the dice from the deck, then rose and brandished her cutlass at Terezi. "But it's just as well. Once I've thrown his mutilated corpse overboard, I've got a much better partner in mind."

They both swung at each other simultaneously. "Really, Mindfang?" Terezi asked incredulously as they continued to spar. "Are you still dead set on these black solicitations?"

Eridan watched from the sidelines. "Leave it to the Marquise not to know to separate business an' pleasure," he said as he attempted to get a clear shot. "'Specially when she takes pleasure from such a grisly business."

"As if you're one to talk, Dualscar!" Vriska turned and spat at him, then quickly turned back to block a blow from Terezi. "You may hide behind the label of a 'privateer,' but I know you enjoyed the killing and looting every bit as much as I did! Probably even more!"

"Speak for yourself," Eridan huffed at Vriska, stopping in his tracks to level his rifle at her. "I was just doin' my job."

"Of course, 'just doing your job,'" Vriska echoed disgustedly. "That's the convenient excuse everyone's so eager to run to." Eridan began to charge his rifle, but Vriska flung the Octet at him. Before he could fire, the dice began to shower sparks in all directions, forcing him to move away and trapping him on the aft side of the deck. 

Vriska turned her full attention to Terezi. "Like you, Redglare!" she bellowed, redoubling her efforts to land a blow against her. "You say you're just trying to catch a criminal, but how many other felons are out there that you're passing up to chase after me?"

Terezi just glared at her. "None quite as wretched as you," she muttered.

"Ha! Now we're getting somewhere," Vriska said with a grin, then leveled a particularly heavy swing at Terezi. She blocked it with some effort, and the two stared each other down as they each pushed their weapon against the other's. "Tell me, Redglare," Vriska cooed lasciviously, "just what is it about me that fascinates you so?"

"You really want to know?" Terezi asked with the faintest smirk.

"Of course." Vriska replied amusedly. "Feel no pressing need to honey your words with me."

"Alright, fine," Terezi said, and put both hands on her cane to shove Vriska away from her. She took a step back and let her cane relax at her side. "The truth is, Mindfang, I don't even hate you for the crimes you've committed," she admitted, but then her features hardened into a scowl. "I hate you for the sadistic glee and utter remorselessness with which you performed them. You are an unrepentant sociopath, and Alternia would be a better place for you never having taken breath upon it."

Vriska let out a dry laugh, though her face clearly indicated she was unamused. "Well, Redglare, I'm flattered that you think so low of me," she replied bitterly, "but you're wrong. I'm not the heartless monster you make me out to be." She motioned her sword over to Eridan, no longer obscured by the Octet's sparks. "Or at least I wasn't, until this vile dastard ripped it from my chest." She looked down and sighed. "I'm tired of having to hurt everyone around me. And I do wish for repentance, even if it isn't in the way you have in mind."

Seeing the lull in the action, Eridan relaxed his rifle. "Yes, instead your path to redemption lies over the bodies of a legislacerator and an imperial retainer," he observed skeptically. "Funny how that works out, Mindfang."

"What choice do I have, Dualscar?!" Vriska turned and yelled at him. "If I told either of you I wished to mend my ways, what would you do? Take me to the courts? Drag me before the Grand Highblood, perhaps? If you would see me culled before you would see me redeemed, then to hell with your ideas of justice!"

"You can't just run away from your problems, Mindfang," Terezi said. "Even if you deal with us, it'll catch up to you sooner or later."

"I'm not running from my problems!" Vriska replied, pointing a finger at Terezi and sweeping it towards Eridan. "You two are my problems! And once I've dealt with you, I'll be able to move on with my life!"

Terezi put her cane down in front of her and rested both hands on its head. "And what exactly will you do, Mindfang?" she asked with curious amusement. "Assuming you do manage to deal with the both of us, what will you make of your new life?"

"In case you haven't heard, Redglare," Vriska replied smugly, "there's a revolution going on. People are suffering under the tyrannical rule of the Empress, and they're not taking it anymore. I figured I could put my skills to use for a good cause for a change."

Terezi responded with a dry laugh. "So you're going to throw your hat in the ring with a lot of violent insurrectionists? Why am I not surprised?"

Vriska gave her a serious look. "A good cause is worth killing for. I figured you of all people would know that."

"An' isn't it interestin' that the only causes you're willin' to support are the ones where killin' is a necessity?" Eridan interjected, waving his rifle at Vriska. "Why don't you just admit it, Mindfang? You're a killer, born an' bred, an' that's all you'll ever let yourself be."

"I'm not in it for the bloodshed, Dualscar!" Vriska insisted. "I've chosen this path because the fates have willed it so." She looked down and placed her free hand to her chest. "There's still a man I have yet to meet," she said with uncharacteristic softness. "A man with wings of shimmering bronze... and the man who will be my matesprit."

Eridan rolled his eyes and scoffed. "Of course. It's just like you, always chasin' after visions an' prophecies," he said mockingly. "Figures you'd be willin' to risk everythin' just 'cause some fancy crystal ball told you it'd help you fill a quadrant."

"The only reason I have a quadrant to fill is because of you!" Vriska growled at him, taking a sudden step towards him, but stopping when he raised his rifle once more. "I'll never forgive you for what you did to me--no, what you did to her! She was the only troll I ever cared about, and you took her from me out of jealousy, of all the things!"

"If she meant so much to you, Mindfang," Eridan replied with indignation and just a little fear, "then why are you fightin' so hard just to meet this new paramour a' yours?"

"Let me make something clear, Dualscar," Vriska started, her rage suddenly turning cold as ice. "I'm not fighting you because I have to. I'm fighting you because I want to." She walked slowly toward him, deflecting the barrel of Ahab's Crosshairs with the tip of her cutlass. "I'm only fighting Redglare because she's an obstacle to me, but you... all I want from you is vengeance."

Terezi took a step towards Vriska and brandished her cane threateningly. "Whatever you're fighting for, Mindfang, what you're talking about is treason!" she said in a tone of warning. "And if you think I'm letting you off this ship to join a band of murderous rabble-rousers, you've got another thing coming!"

"Oh, come on, Redglare!" Vriska turned and spat at her. "You know more than anyone how much people are suffering under the Empress' despotic rule. Or do you honestly think every troll put to death for speaking against her has been judged honorably? Is that your idea of justice?"

"Maybe not," Terezi said, raising an arm to her chest, "but violence isn't the answer!"

"Violence is the only language tyrants understand." Vriska replied coolly.

Eridan sneered at her. "Violence is the only language you speak, Mindfang."

"Quiet, Dualscar!" Vriska barked, putting her hand on the tip of his rifle to keep it pointed away from her. "Try as you might to stop it, there's a movement taking place on Alternia," she declared, and raised her sword to his chest, "and there's no room in it for blood-worshipping sycophants like you!"

"Mindfang, this is madness!" Terezi pleaded. "You can't possibly be thinking about taking up arms against Her Imperious Condescension!"

"Then what would you have me do, Redglare?" Vriska turned her head to ask. 

"There are other ways of enacting change, Mindfang," Terezi explained, her left hand gripping a simple iron pendant that hung around her neck. "Sometimes it's more productive to work within the system than to attempt to resist it."

"So what are you saying?" Vriska inquired. "I should turn myself in?"

Terezi released the pendant, revealing the shape of Cancer's claws. "I could have your sentence commuted. We could work out some sort of arrangement," she bargained with an open palm. "If reform is truly what you seek, you'll at least consider it."

"As flattered as I am by your offer, Redglare," Vriska said as she stepped away from Eridan, pausing to scoop the Fluorite Octet from the deck, "I must decline. I'm afraid our differences in philosophy are simply irreconcilable."

Eridan scoffed once more. "So you'd rather wallow in your killin' ways than swallow your pride."

Vriska stopped and turned to face him, her back to the ship's extended plank. "I'll never serve the Empire, Dualscar," she replied with a glare. "Especially if it means working alongside a craven coward like you."

"You haven't changed a bit, Mindfang," Eridan sneered. "For all your talk of revolution, you're still the same selfish murderer you've always been. An' you'd sooner upturn the whole a' society than admit you're part of the problem." He leveled his rifle at her. "You're nothin' more than a rabid beast, an' i think it's about time you were put down."

"To hell with that!" Vriska shouted defiantly, swinging her sword at nothing in particular. "I'm not dying here! Not tonight! Even if it takes all of my luck, I'll make it out of here alive! I've still got places to go and things to do... and people to meet!" She shook the Octet in her left hand. "And it's all riding on this one battle! This one final roll of the dice!"

The white symbol of Light glowed from Vriska's chest as she let the Fluorite Octet fly, causing Terezi and Eridan to gasp in horror. But once the dice landed, there was no great explosion or flash of light. Instead, the Octet gently floated up to Vriska's face, seven in front of her left eye and one in front of her right, presenting their results to each of her pupils: eight ones.

"Spider-eyes!"

The dice suddenly exploded, and Vriska was sent flying, flopping to the deck just short of the edge of the ship. The life gauges above her head shook violently, and all of them were nearly depleted by the power of the backfiring Octet. Her sword was sent clattering to the deck a few feet from where she landed.

"Well, Mindfang," Terezi said with what was almost a smirk, "it looks like your luck has finally run out."

Eridan turned to Terezi for a moment. "Keep an eye on her for a moment, will you?" he politely requested. "There's something I must retrieve from the cabin." He opened the door to the cabin behind him and quickly advanced through it, pulling it shut.

Vriska coughed and slowly dragged herself toward her cutlass. "Figures..." she said weakly. "Coward won't even stick around long enough to... see me culled..." She stopped to cough once more.

Terezi just shrugged. "He doesn't seem that bad."

"He can't be trusted, Redglare," Vriska asserted, placing a hand on her sword. "Whatever you do, don't trust him."

"Just what did he do to make you despise him so?" Terezi asked with a raised eyebrow.

Vriska grabbed her sword and very slowly tried to pull herself up from the ground. "There was... a slave of mine. A jadeblood," she started. "At first, she was just like any other... but after a while, I realized... I was flushed for her." She finally rose to her feet, standing uncertainly and balancing herself using her cutlass as a cane. "She was the only person I ever cared about... the only person I ever loved... and he took her from me. He murdered her... out of jealousy, of all the things."

Terezi's look softened into one of sympathy. "I see," she offered simply.

"I'm telling you this because you deserve better," Vriska confessed, looking into Terezi's eyes pleadingly. "Better than to die by his treachery... you can't trust him."

Terezi just looked away. "Maybe you're right," she said after a moment's hesitation.

"Or maybe she's wrong."

Eridan burst through the cabin door, dragging along with him the writhing form of one Kanaya Maryam. She was wearing a black satin dress embroidered with looping patterns of jade and the symbol of Virgo on her left breast. The dress had a scandalously low neckline, which combined with a jade and silver bodice did a great deal to accentuate Kanaya's... assets. The dress stretched down to her bare feet, but bore two slits in the front that reached up to her waist, revealing a great deal of her bare legs. The sleeves were perhaps the only part of the dress that could be considered at all modest, fully covering her arms, and two low-hanging sheets of sheer black-and-jade striped fabric hung from them. The dress left very little to the imagination, and it was clearly a lot less than Eridan expected, as a faint streak of purple lit up his face.

Vriska was clearly shocked by the new arrival. "Kan--" she started, then caught herself, "I mean, Dolorosa!"

"Mindfang!" Kanaya cried back in her most imperiled voice.

Terezi sniffed a few times and suddenly reared her head back, grabbing her ear. "Wow, that's a lot of troll flesh," she commented, prompting Kanaya to blush a little herself.

"You're alive?!" Vriska asked, a hint of desperation in her voice.

"Of course she is." Eridan answered, then produced a wavy purple knife from his pocket and pressed it to Kanaya's throat. She took a sharp breath from the sting of cold steel on her bare neck. Eridan smirked. "You really think I'd throw away such a powerful bargainin' chip so easily?"

A fierce look formed on Vriska's face. "If you spill even a drop of your blood, I'll see you dead here and now!" she growled at Eridan.

"Easy, Mindfang," Eridan warned her, pulling Kanaya and the blade toward himself. "Despite the cutlery bein' presented, I've no intention of harmin' your little matesprit here. Though if you don't accede to a few of my demands, I may be so inclined as to," and he paused to lick his lips, "kiss her a little."

"Um, actually, Eridan," Kanaya suddenly interjected, "and I wish I could do the little ear gesture here, but, well, my hands are tied--quite literally, as a matter of fact--but I'd prefer if you didn't kiss me."

"Wh..." Eridan started, then let his knife hand go slack while the other latched onto his left headfin. "Why not?"

"It's not you in particular," Kanaya explained. "It's just... well... I'd rather not talk about it."

Eridan sighed. "Well, I'm not gonna very well kiss a woman against her will, am I? That would be fuckin' unconscionable."

"I mean, it'd be okay if Terezi did it," Kanaya offered.

"Yeah, okay, that works," Eridan said, then motioned to Terezi. "Ter, come over here."

"What?!" Terezi cried, the slightest teal blush streaking her cheeks. "Hey, just slow down here, alright?! I never agreed to kiss anybody!"

"Oh, come on, Ter," Eridan implored, rolling his eyes, "an attractive woman in a ridiculously fuckin' skimpy outfit just gave you the okay to kiss her. What's the fuckin' problem?"

"Well, I mean..." Terezi started, crossing her arms defensively and blushing a little harder, "I guess I could kiss her... if I really had to."

"Hahahahahahahaha! Great plan, Eridan!" Vriska said, doubling over in amusement. "I can see you reeeeeeeeally thought this one through!"

"As a matter of fact, Vris," Eridan countered, "I'd planned for just such an eventuality. Kan, did you bring the secret weapon?"

"Um... yes," Kanaya said.

Eridan put his knife away and patted his now-free hand around her sides. "Well, where is it?" he inquired. "I'm lookin' for a pocket here an' I'm not findin' one."

"It's, um..." Kanaya started, the jade glow in her face intensifying even further. "Under my neck," she muttered.

"Well, yeah, but where under your..." Eridan asked, not really thinking about her answer, until it suddenly dawned on him. "Uh... oh."

Terezi put her cane away so she could plant her face in her palm. "Oh my god."

"Look, I was going for historical accuracy," Kanaya went off, suddenly incredibly flustered, "and I didn't see any reason why Mindfang would want her slaves to have pockets, okay?!"

Vriska was clearly very amused by all this. "Hahahahahahahaha, Kanaya, you are so ridiculous. I love it."

"So can I...?" Eridan almost ventured to ask, his free hand hovering in front of her chest.

Kanaya just sighed. "It's fine, Eridan. Go ahead."

"Okay..." Eridan said, then very slowly moved his hand toward the crevice of her bodice. "I wonder if I can just... just sort of reach in... and..." He suddenly pulled his hand back out, producing a tube of lipstick. "Got it."

"Yes, very well done," Kanaya offered insincerely, then turned to her head to her matesprit. "For the record, Vriska, there was minimal... contact."

"Good to know," Vriska answered, taking her hand off her ear to give a thumbs-up. Terezi politely clapped at the whole affair.

"Yeah, yeah, real fuckin' amusing," Eridan muttered, then grabbed Kanaya's shoulder and gently turned her around to face him. "Kan, pucker please."

"Of course," Kanaya replied, puckering her lips. Eridan removed the cap from the lipstick and applied it, leaving Kanaya's lips a bright cherry red.

Terezi took one whiff and grinned with delight. "Ooh! What a wonderful smell!"

"So have you revised your opinion on this little plan a' mine?" Eridan asked her.

"Well, I suppose in consideration of recent events," Terezi replied authoritatively, "I may be inclined to pursue it a little more... enthusiastically. Hehehehe."

Vriska groaned in disgust. "Okay, okay, fine! Just keep your filthy tongue off my matesprit!" She removed her hand from her ear. "Name your demands!"

The others quickly snapped back into character as well, Eridan once again grabbing Kanaya and holding his knife at her throat. "First of all, drop your weapon," he demanded, and Vriska threw her cutlass to the ground. "The rest of 'em, too." She groaned, then reached into her coat and threw out a barbed cobalt dagger and a bag of some sort of dice. "Alright, good," Eridan said, apparently satisfied, then turned to Terezi. "Any demands, legislacerator?"

"Submit to arrest, perhaps?" Terezi offered.

Vriska glared at her. "I told you, Redglare, I'll never go to court!"

Eridan twisted the knife at Kanaya's throat, causing her to gasp once more. "Are you really in any place to refuse, Mindfang?"

"Look, if you want to put me on trial so badly, do it here and now!" Vriska suggested to Terezi. "I plead guilty to all charges!"

"Well..." Terezi paused for a moment, stroking her chin in consideration. "I suppose if you officially submitted such a plea, it wouldn't be too unreasonable to carry out your sentence here."

"Then do it." Vriska said.

Kanaya struggled in her bonds. "Mindfang, please, don't do this for my sake!" she pleaded to Vriska. "You have so much left to live for!"

"You're wrong, Dolorosa," Vriska said bleakly. "All I have left to live for is you."

"Very well," Terezi said, then marched up to Vriska, raising her chin to look down at her as best she could. "Marquise Spinneret Mindfang, in the charge of six hundred and twelve counts of assault, four hundred and thirteen counts of larceny, one hundred and forty-three counts of murder, and four counts of treason, how do you plead?"

"Mindfang, don't do this, please," Kanaya begged.

Vriska looked at her, then averted her gaze to the deck and sighed. "I'm sorry, Dolorosa," she said. "But I can't keep running anymore."

"Mindfang..." Kanaya intoned, quiet and desperate.

Vriska snapped her head up at Terezi. "I plead guilty."

"Very well," Terezi replied. "Based on the volume and severity of your crimes, I hereby sentence you to death. The method of culling will naturally be hanging."

"Wait a minute, Redglare," Eridan interjected. "If you're gonna practice your law out here on the open  seas, I'd ask that you have a little respect for an old naval tradition."

"Oh?" Terezi said, turning to him with a cocked eyebrow. "And what's that?"

"You can't hang somebody out at sea," Eridan explained. "The only proper method of execution is by walkin' the plank." Vriska smirked at the idea.

"Well..." Terezi started, clearly not enthused with the idea. "Can I at least bind her hands?"

Eridan looked unamused. "Let her die with a little dignity, Redglare."

Terezi sighed. "Fine," she said, looking away from the three of them. "The method of culling will be walking the plank." She suddenly turned back to Vriska and took a few steps forward. "But before I carry out your sentence, there's one more thing I have to do."

"Really?" Vriska asked. "And what might that be?" Terezi answered, much to Vriska's wonder, by wrapping her arms around her and initiating a violent hate snog. Eridan and Kanaya looked on in surprise as the two gnashed their lips, tongues, and teeth against each other. The kiss ended as quickly as it began, and the two stared at each other for a moment, both blushing furiously.

"Hm," Terezi said after a while, wiping a bit of cerulean blood from her lip. "Better than I expected." She stuck the bloodied finger in her mouth and sucked it clean.

Vriska grinned at her, lifting a hand to hold against her freshly wounded lip. "I knew you'd see it my way eventually, Redglare," she said.

"Whatever," Terezi replied, turning her back on Vriska with a dismissive wave and walking to Eridan's side. "I have no more demands."

"Alright, then," Eridan said, and removed the knife from Kanaya's neck, then used it to cut the rope binding her hands. "Give her your final regards," he commanded. Kanaya eagerly complied, rushing into Vriska's arms and engaging her in a long, passionate kiss.

As they finished, Kanaya looked up into Vriska's eyes. "Mindfang... even if you must walk to your death, I will follow you," she said, her voice full of determination.

Vriska looked back down at Kanaya, her face twisted in a combination of joy and sadness. "You don't have to follow me, Dolorosa. Don't throw your life away for my sake," she implored her.

"I would not have a life if not for your sake," Kanaya replied. "I endured captivity for as long as I did only because I knew I might see you once again."

"Dolorosa..." Vriska said with a sigh. "I'm sorry it had to end like this."

"Mindfang..." Kanaya said, pulling herself closer to Vriska. "if we are fated to die, then let us die together."

Vriska stared into her eyes, saddened by the utter devotion she found within them. "I guess I can't really stop you, can I?" she admitted.

"Hold, Mindfang," Terezi imposed. "The slave is an innocent. I won't have you drag her to your death with you. Release her."

"Very well, Redglare," Vriska replied. She removed her arms from around Kanaya, but Kanaya made no effort to release her.

Terezi glared at her. "You know what I mean, Mindfang."

Kanaya relenquished her grip on Vriska and turned to face Terezi. "Legislacerator," she said to her, "I speak to you of my own mind. It is by my own will that I stay by Mindfang's side. Wherever she goes, I will follow." She closed her eyes and placed a hand on her chest. "And if death must take her in its icy grip, then I can only hope that my embrace might keep her warm."

"Just forget about her, Redglare," Eridan suggested. "She's too far gone."

Terezi hesitated for a moment. "Fine," she eventually relented, and Kanaya took her place back at Vriska's side. "Any last words, Mindfang?" she asked.

"Just a few," Vriska said, then turned to face Eridan. "First of all, Dualscar, I believe I owe you an apology. It seems I underestimated you." Her look turned sour. "Though, frankly, it would've been wiser to pull this trump card of yours a little sooner."

"Yeah, yeah, fair point," Eridan admitted.

"I'm sure you'll make some lucky troll out there miserable," she offered in consolation. "Unfortunately for you," and she turned to look at Terezi. "I just happened to run into my soulmate over here."

Terezi looked unamused. "Don't you think it's a little late for declarations like this, Mindfang?" she asked.

"It's never too late, Redglare," Vriska answered with a smirk. "There may be more than one person worthy of being my rival, but you're the only one worthy of being my kismesis."

"You know, you may be right," Terezi said with a smirk of her own, which quickly vanished. "Kind of a shame you still have to walk the plank."

Vriska just laughed. "Come on, Redglare, give me a little credit here," she demanded. "I'm not about to let a little thing like drowning or being eaten by sharks stop me from settling things with you. Death is but a door, time is but a window. I'll be back."

Terezi let out a dry laugh. "Whatever you say, Mindfang," she said.

Vriska turned her attention to Kanaya, wrapping her hands around her waist. "And to you, Dolorosa... you need not follow me to my grave," she offered once more.

"Mindfang, I cannot ever allow myself to leave your side again," Kanaya asserted. "I would sooner die in your arms than spend a single moment outside of them. Even if you marched into hell itself, I would follow without hesitation."

Vriska sighed through a smile. "Dolorosa... you amaze me," she admitted. "Whatever I did to gain your love, it couldn't possibly be enough to deserve it."

"All you ever had to do was be yourself," Kanaya replied, smiling herself.

Vriska laughed to herself, then her smile was replaced with a mournful frown. "I'm sorry, Dolorosa. For everything," she said. "I'm sorry that we had to meet the way we did, and for all the suffering I've put you through since then."

"It's okay, Mindfang," Kanaya replied, raising a hand to stroke against Vriska's cheek. "It was all worth it for the chance to meet you."

"You're a fool for feeling that way," Vriska told her, a scowl suddenly forming on her face. Then she laughed and looked away. "And I'm a fool for feeling the same. I'd give up everything just for a single moment with you. Heh... I guess I already have."

Terezi rolled her head back in an approximation of rolling her eyes, then grabbed her ear. "Oh, Jegus, we get it! You two love each other!" she shouted impatiently. "Now would you hurry up and just kill yourselves already?!"

"Oh, great, thanks, Terezi!" Vriska said angrily, grabbing her own ear. "Way to kill the moment again!"

Eridan made the signal as well. "Well, maybe some a' the rest of us want to have a moment too," he countered. "Ideally sometime this fuckin' sweep."

"Yeah, Vriska!" Terezi concurred. "I know this whole night's about Mindfang, Mindfang, Mindfang, but honestly, could you just get on with it?"

Vriska rolled her eyes. "Okay, okay, fine," she said, then removed her hand from her ear to wrap around Kanaya again. "I'm sorry it had to end this way, Dolorosa," she said.

"This isn't the end, Mindfang," Kanaya rebutted. "It's a new beginning. For both of us."

"I hope you're right," Vriska said with a smile, then turned her attention to her two enemies. "Well, Redglare, Dualscar, I've wasted enough of your time. I suppose I'll be taking my leave for now. But remember!" She thrusted an index finger into the air. "Though Marquise Spinneret Mindfang may die tonight, her name will live on forever!" She turned back to Kanaya. "Are you ready, my dear?"

"Always, Mindfang," Kanaya replied, pulling Vriska into another passionate kiss.

Vriska suddenly placed a hand on her ear. "You know, you don't have to jump in with me," she offered Kanaya.

"It's fine," Kanaya said with her hand on her own ear.

"Okay, okay," Vriska relented. They wrapped their hands around each other once again, and Vriska turned her head to Terezi and Eridan. "Farewell!" she cried, and she leapt into the ocean with Kanaya, disappearing under the surface with a great splash.

Terezi and Eridan stepped toward the gunwale, observing the ripples the star-crossed lovers left in their wake. "And so ends the life of Spinneret Mindfang," Terezi mused. "Perhaps in death she will find the absolution she seeks."

"You know, the winds are tame an' the water is clear," Eridan pointed out. "She may yet survive the day."

"No, Dualscar, she is dead," Terezi insisted. "She was sentenced to culling, and her sentence has been carried out."

Eridan raised a hand in his defense. "I was merely observin'--"

"Dualscar, listen to me," Terezi interjected almost desperately. "On this day, Marquise Spinneret Mindfang was captured and tried for her crimes against trollkind. She plead guilty to all charges. She was sentenced to death, and the method of execution was chosen to be drowning. She was forced off the side of her own ship, taking an unidentified jadeblood slave with her, who followed her voluntarily. They now both rest at the bottom of the ocean." She closed her eyes and gripped her cane tightly, taking a deep breath in and out. "Justice has been served."

Eridan hesitated a moment before he responded. "I understand," he said, bowing his head momentarily. "So what will you do now?"

"A simple enough question," Terezi posited. "I will continue to serve the legislacerators to the fullest of my abilities. As long as injustice runs rampant on the surface of Alternia, I will continue to fight against it."

"Is it true what you said when you were talkin' to Mindfang?" he asked. "That you intend to resist the Condesce's rule from within?"

Terezi took a step back, bringing her cane behind her. "Is that a problem, Dualscar?"

"No, no. I told you, I've no longer any obligation to the Empress. And I'd prefer to keep things that way," Eridan answered, and Terezi relaxed her stance. "Still, it seems you've quite a struggle ahead of you."

"It will not be easy," Terezi replied, "but I have sworn myself to justice before any other liege. It's true that tyranny exists within the system, but I believe it can be fought without the need for violent insurrection... or at least I hope."

"I see," Eridan said. "I wish you the best of luck, then."

"And what about you, Dualscar?" Terezi asked him, tilting her head in curiosity. "Your duty to the Empress has ended, and I assume you have no wish to renew it."

"I think not," Eridan confirmed. "I once followed the Condesce unthinkingly, hung on her every word. But the termination of our relationship has cast her in a new light." He looked away, bowing his head. "I'm beginnin' to see she isn't... the flawless goddess I made her out to be. She's callous... she's cruel... an' she uses people. Treats 'em like objects she can possess. An' i don't think it'd sit right for me to serve under her again."

"So," Terezi said, pausing for a moment, "do you intend to resist her?"

"Perhaps," Eridan answered, "But not the way Mindfang intended to. I think your way a' goin' about things is more effective in the long run."

Terezi cocked an eyebrow at him. "So what will you do?"

"This may seem a queer thought," Eridan warned her, "but perhaps I could follow you. I've no formal trainin' in law, but I'm sure I could be of assistance to the legislacerators in some way."

"Really?" Terezi asked, rearing her head back in surprise. "I must say, I didn't expect this kind of proposal from you, Dualscar. What brought about this sudden desire to join me in my duties?"

Eridan laughed and shook his head. "You'd think the cause just as odd as the effect, I assure you."

"I'm sure I will, but I'd still like to hear it," Terezi insisted.

"Very well," Eridan said, then closed his eyes while he took a deep breath. "To speak the whole truth... it's you, Redglare."

Terezi reared back from him in surprise. "Oh?"

Eridan slowly advanced toward her. "The truth is, I've always admired you," he said, his voice low and solemn. "But before, my heart held room only for the Empress. Now that I've seen her for who she is, I can see you for who you are, as well, and I cannot help but find myself enraptured." He placed his hands at Terezi's hips, eliciting a quiet gasp from her, and stared deeply into her bespectacled eyes. "You are in every respect Mindfang's opposite. Where she is impetuous, you are wise; where she is conceited, you are modest; where she is covetous, you are selfless; and where she is vain and duplicitous, you are genuinely beautiful, unvarnished and whole."

Terezi stared back at him uncertainly, a deep teal blush staining her cheeks. "D-Dualscar," she stammered, "this is all so sudden..."

"It may seem that way, perhaps," Eridan admitted, "but I have felt this way for a long time. It is only tonight that I have allowed myself to see the truth. I could tell you that I wished to follow you in the name of justice, or vengeance, or redemption for my past transgressions, but I would be speakin' lies. In truth, I want to create a better world only because it is want you want, and I wish only to fulfill your every desire."

Eridan reached up and ran his hand through her hair, and she tensed up as the tips of his fingers brushed the base of her horn. "My goodness, Dualscar," Terezi said, her voice still wavering. "You flatter me, truly."

"If my words come off as flattery, it is only because I have failed to communicate my sincerity," Eridan insisted, his hand once more coming to a rest at Terezi's side. "I would bare the entirety of my soul to you, Redglare, that you might feel the same way about me."

Terezi took a deep breath in and out, trying to regain her composure. "Dualscar... I must admit, until recently, I had not thought kindly of you," she said with a slight frown." I took you for a blackguard, a scurrilous minion of the most contemptible sort. But I can see now I have judged you unfairly." Her frown was replaced with a faint smile. "You seem to me to be a great man by every measure: noble, but not pretentious; loyal, but not obsequious; ardent, but not fanatical..." She grinned and laughed to herself. "And it certainly doesn't hurt that you're quite charming as well."

Eridan placed a hand across his stomach in a mock bow. "If I am, it is only because you make it come naturally to me," he claimed.

Terezi made a noise she would later vehemently deny was a 'titter.' "Dualscar, please," she begged, covering her mouth in embarrassment.

"I'm sorry, I did not mean to interrupt," Eridan said. "Please do continue, if you feel the need."

"I do," Terezi replied with a smirk. "I will say that... I respect you, Dualscar. And I would be honored to have you at my side, in any capacity."

"Forgive me for bein' so bold to ask," Eridan requested, "but... any capacity? Perhaps even... as your matesprit?" he tried not to ask too hopefully.

"Well..." Terezi started, and bowed her head. "It goes against my better judgment to make sudden decisions on affairs such as this... but perhaps there are better things than my better judgment to rely upon." She looked up at him, a smile on her lips. "Yes, Dualscar. I would be delighted to be your matesprit. Based solely on your words tonight, I truly believe you could make me happier than I've ever been."

Eridan returned her smile with one of his own. "That is all I desire," he stated. "And nothing could make me happier than simply to be by your side."

"You say that, but I pray you are wrong," Terezi said, then looked away, a cryptic look on her face. "You have said that I am in every respect the antithesis of Mindfang, but I hope that I might be her equal in at least one regard."

"And what is that?" Eridan asked bemusedly.

"I hope..." Terezi started, then closed her eyes and took a breath. She looked back at Eridan once more. "I hope that I might love as deeply as she did."

Eridan grinned. "I believe you to be fully capable of it," he assured her. "I just hope that I am able to stir it within you."

"Well," Terezi said, and flashed Eridan a wide grin herself. "There's only one way to find out." She wrapped her arms around his shoulders.

Suddenly it was Eridan's turn to look uncertain. "I... uh... if you insist," he stuttered, blushing the slightest bit.

"Oh, I do," Terezi said wickedly, and slowly drew her face closer to Eridan's own.

"Y'know, Ter," Eridan said, beginning to raise his hand to his headfin, "you don't really have to--"

Terezi blocked Eridan's hand with her arm and gently pushed it away. "Don't kill the moment, Eridan," she whispered. Before he could protest any further, she pressed her lips against his, and they engaged in a long, chaste kiss. It wasn't sloppy at all, and it could hardly even be classified as making out, but Eridan was nonetheless pleasantly surprised by how long it lasted.

"So?" Eridan asked as she pulled away. "Your conclusion?"

"The results look promising," Terezi stated matter-of-factly. "But it's hard to come to a definite conclusion based only on a single data point." She grinned at him. "It will require more... testing."

Eridan smirked back at her. "Of course. It's important to be empirical." He gently removed Terezi's arms from his shoulders, then clasped her left hand in both of his. "But I can only think of one way for testin' to continue, Redglare. Matesprits?"

Terezi placed her right hand over both of his. "Matesprits, Dualscar," she confirmed. "Until proven otherwise."

"Excellent," Eridan said, his smirk breaking out into a full grin. "In that case, I suppose we've settled all our business on this derelict vessel. Shall we be off?"

"Yes, I believe we shall," Terezi answered, releasing her grip on Eridan's hands. "Let's make the world a better place, Dualscar. For the both of us."

Before he let go of Terezi's hand completely, Eridan lifted it to his mouth. "You've already made it a better place for me, Redglare," he said, and planted a swift kiss on it.

"And you for me," Terezi replied, gently withdrawing her hand and rubbing the kissed spot over her lips. "Now let's do it for everyone."

"Of course. I can think of nothin' I'd like better," Eridan said. Suddenly a thoughtful look appeared on his face. "Well," he said, scratching his chin, "perhaps one thing, but I suppose that could wait until later."

"Hehehehe, actually, you know what?" Terezi asked with a impish grin. "I think I like your idea better. After all, we don't have to save the world right this instant."

"Well..." Eridan started, returning her mischievous look. "Only if you insist."

Terezi rubbed her hands together enthusiastically. "Oh, I certainly do," she said.

"Well, if you insist," Eridan replied, a hand held to his chest, "it would simply be rude a' me not to oblige. Lead the way."

"But of course. Hehehe." But rather than lead the way, Terezi simply turned and held a hand into the sky, as if she were a bard reading a great poem to a mighty king of yore. "And then Redglare and Dualscar retired to the late captain's quarters to do all sorts of wonderfully unmentionable things," she narrated bombastically, "and then they had all sorts of awesome--and sexy"--she paused to wiggle her eyebrows--"adventures of drama and betrayal and political intrigue together, the end."

"Well, I certainly approve a' your ending," Eridan said, breaking character in turn.

Terezi shrugged. "It's a little saccharine," she admitted, "but I guess that's what we're going for here." Suddenly she raised her chin and regarded Eridan with a look of suspicion. "But in any case, Eridan, I'm beginning to suspect that you didn't come to this little get-together for the sole purposes of settling things with Vriska."

Eridan laughed. "Really? Only just now?"

"A rhetorical device," Terezi replied, pointing a finger in the air, then started pacing around Eridan with her hands behind her back. "Of course I suspected your intentions from the moment you left your cryptic little quip on her memo, but tonight's course of events has led me to believe you didn't come here for her at all."

"And just what are you implyin', Ter?" Eridan asked defensively.

Terezi stopped in her tracks and wheeled towards him. "I've heard you boasting about your grand, sweeping plan to find a matesprit," she said, leaning forward at him. "Could it be that this was it, and I was the target? Was this whole night simply part of some grand scheme to make me flushed for you?"

"Did it work?" Eridan asked with a smirk, eliciting an unamused frown from Terezi. He let out an exaggerated sigh. "Aww fuck, I should've known I'd mess it up," he lamented. "Nep told me this was all part of a mystic ritual that'd magically make you my matesprit, but i must've done somethin' wrong at some point." Suddenly he groaned and snapped his fingers. "Oh, you know what it was? I forgot the pinch a' sulfur."

"Hehehe, of course," Terezi responded. "It's always the little things that separate the wizards from the wannabes."

"Anyway, Ter, I'm not stupid," Eridan said, but suddenly felt the need to correct himself. "Well, I'm not that stupid, in any case. I don't think there's any magic song and dance that'll make you flushed for me." He let out a dry laugh. "'Sides, you honestly think I'd try to pull off some sort of scheme against the master of schemers? I know better than to think any strategy would survive contact with Terezi Pyrope."

"Well..." Terezi contemplated his argument, chin braced in her hand. "I suppose so. So then, what did you hope to get out of tonight? Were you simply trying to extract a kiss from me?"

"Hey, last I checked, the kiss was your idea," Eridan shot back, jabbing an accusatory finger at her.

"I... I was just going with the scenario, that's all!" Terezi stammered in her defense.

Eridan didn't look convinced. "I gave you an out, y'know."

Terezi scoffed at the suggestion. "Come on, Eridan, what kind of lousy roleplayer do you think I am?"

"Oh, you're a good roleplayer, don't get me wrong," Eridan answered. "I just don't think you're that good. 'Less you're capable a' blushin' on command, an' you just never told me about it."

"Yeah, okay, maybe that wasn't all in-character," Terezi admitted, crossing her arms and blushing a little once more. "But just how much of that flattery you were heaping upon me was entirely in-character for you, Dualscar?"

"I'll admit," Eridan said with a wide, affirmative shrug, "I'm not that good a roleplayer either."

"Oh," was all Terezi could muster in response. She paused for a moment, taking in the full volume of what Eridan was implying. "So you're saying..."

"I'm sayin' my words tonight have been as much Dualscar talkin' to Redglare as they have been me talkin' to you," Eridan ventured to finish her sentence. "Honestly, Ter, there's more about you to love than I ever let myself realize. You're freakishly intelligent. You've got a great, if a little overactive, sense a' humor. You're an absolute blast to talk to. An' you'll forgive whatever implications may be raised by bringin' this up last," he said, quickly sweeping his eyes over her, "but you're a very attractive woman on top of all a' that."

Terezi placed a single hand against her hip. "I'll take that as a well-intentioned compliment and nothing more," she clarified.

"Awful gracious of you," Eridan said, giving a mock bow. "An' really, Ter... I'd love to be your matesprit, if you'd ever be interested in that kind a' thing."

Terezi turned her head away for a moment. "Well... I might..." she offered uneasily, then snapped back towards him. "But honestly, Eridan, this seems like a lot of trouble to go to just to inquire about this. You could've just asked like a normal person, you know. Why the stupid farce?"

"Well, yeah, I could've just asked," Eridan said with a shrug. "But where the fuck's the fun in that?"

"Hehehe, fair enough." Terezi admitted.

"Anyway, I didn't think this little FLARPin' night would warp your brain into feelin' flushed for me," Eridan took pains to elaborate once again, "but I figured it'd be a chance to have a little fun together, without any sort of actual obligations. It's like a first date before the first date."

"So..." Terezi scratched her chin. "A zeroth date."

"Exactly," Eridan replied. "And when has a zeroth anything ever gone wrong? It hasn't, cause there's nothin' there to fuck up yet. It's zero. It's the bullshit number that comes before all the other numbers that actually mean somethin'."

Terezi cocked an eyebrow at him. "Are you this passionate about other integers?"

"Well, I'm not fond a' one, either," Eridan answered her, then continued with a smirk, "but I must say I'm a great fan a' two."

"That sounds an awful lot like the beginnings of a corny pick-up line," Terezi said, pursing her lips in near-amusement.

Eridan admitted defeat with another admissive shrug. "I figured it was transparent enough for you to appreciate it," he mustered for a defense.

Terezi laughed despite herself. "Well, that's very thoughtful of you," she said.

"But of course," he replied. His smirk flattened a little as he continued. "Anyway, I was just kinda hopin' tonight would give me a chance to get a second first impression with you. I mean, up until recently, I've been kind of a huge fuckin' tool," he admitted, one hand scratching at his opposite elbow nervously, "an' i figured nobody would be willin' to give me a shot 'less I did somethin' drastic like this."

"Honestly, Eridan..." Terezi started with a sympathetic frown, "the first time I met you, I had been, for the briefest of moments, a little flushed for you. But then you had to go and ruin everything by opening your mouth."

Eridan blinked a few times in rapid succession. "Seariously?" he asked, surprised.

"Well, I mean, you're not an unattractive guy by any measure," Terezi confessed, pointing an open hand at him. "And if you'd actually put the moves on me in earnest, I probably would've gone for it. But instead you tossed out some halfhearted pickup line, then dropped the whole thing and went back to treating me like another stupid landdweller." She smirked. "Just where was this suave, smooth-talking casanova with a bag full of sweet nothings back then?"

Eridan groaned. "He was pinin' after his fuckin' moirail like a glubbin' moron, that's where he was," he answered, rubbing a hand over his eyes as if the mere thought gave him a headache. "Look, I realize what a complete idiot I was before, but that's all changed now. I'm pretty much over Fef. So don't think I'm just settlin' for you or anything idiotic like that."

Terezi flashed him a self-assured grin. "Not trying to sound conceited here," she warned him, "but honestly, if I thought you were settling, I'd figure you'd aim a little lower."

"Heh, yeah," Eridan admitted. "Honestly, Ter, you're an amazin' girl. An' I honestly think I'm flushed for you. Maybe I always have been." He suddenly looked away, a little annoyed. "Or maybe it just happened 'cause Nep worked her fuckin' heart science on me and planted the idea in my head like a virus."

Terezi chuckled at the thought. "Yeah, she suggested the idea of you and me yesterday, and for whatever reason, I found precious few arguments against it. Honestly, she had more than I did."

"Really?" Eridan asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Yeah," Terezi assured him. "She thinks you're an annoying asshole, by the way."

"Haha, awesome," Eridan replied with a grin. "That's exactly what I want her to think."

Terezi grinned back. "Hehehe, of course," she said, catching his meaning entirely.

"Anyway, Ter," Eridan said, taking a step forward and lifting Terezi's right hand with his own. "Maybe it's too soon to really ask this, but I just have to know. Would you be my matesprit?"

Terezi raised her left hand to her chin, rubbing it in contemplation. "Well..."

"An' I'm not askin' you this just 'cause I want to consummate it or anythin' reprehensible like that," Eridan felt the need to clarify. "We don't have to be crazy psycho honestly-kinda-scary in love like Kan an' Vris are right off the bat. All I'm askin' for here is an official declaration."

After a little more thought, Terezi let her left hand drop down to her side. "Okay, sure," she answered. "I'll be your matesprit, Eridan."

Eridan's eyes widened in shock, despite his best efforts to prevent them from doing so. "Really?" he dared to ask.

"Yeah, really!" Terezi asserted. "Honestly, Eridan, for all the praise you've lavished me with, you're not such a bad guy yourself. You're smart, and you're funny, and you're attractive." She looked away for a moment. "And maybe you're kind of insecure, and kind of a tool, but, well, maybe I have a thing for guys who are insecure tools!"

Eridan stifled a laugh. "That's a weird thing to have a thing for, but I'm not complainin'."

"Hehe, I figured you wouldn't," she said. "And really..." She let her head slump down a bit in embarrassment. "This is gonna sound dumb, I realize, but... I like the way you talk to me. It feels good having someone you're flushed for honestly say nice things about you, instead of talking down to you all the time."

"'Someone you're flushed for?'" Eridan echoed with curiosity.

"Oh!" Terezi exclaimed, belatedly covering her mouth. "That just kind of slipped out, didn't it?" She suddenly bristled with stubborn indignation. "But you know what? I'm not taking it back. I'm flushed for you, Eridan. The past five minutes have pretty much confirmed it for me."

Eridan grinned widely at her firm stance on the subject. "Well, shit, that's great," he said. "An' honestly, Ter, call me old-fashioned, but I love sayin' nice things to people I'm flushed for. If you want me to whisper sweet nothin's to you, I'll do that all day. I'll whisper so many sweet nothin's in your ear, you'd swear I was the hollow candy shell a' Troll Cesar Milan himself."

"Hahaha, that doesn't even make sense, you dork," Terezi mocked without any real venom.

"Yeah, maybe not," Eridan freely admitted. "But honestly, Ter, I got nothin' bad to say about you. Really, what kind of fuckin' asshole would ever want to talk down to you," he asked, frowning at the thought, "'specially if they were flushed for you?"

Terezi laughed dryly. "Yeah, what kind of asshole indeed," she mused. Eridan raised an eyebrow in concern, but she just shook her head. "Nevermind, it doesn't matter anymore," she assured him.

"Okay, well..." Eridan started, smiling once more, and put his left hand over her right. "What do you say, Ter? Would you be willin' to give us a shot?"

Terezi put her left hand over his. "Sure, Eridan," she said, smiling back at him. "I think you'll be a great matesprit."

"Well, I think you'll be a fantastic fuckin' matesprit," Eridan retorted.

"So... care to make it official?" Terezi asked, wiggling her eyebrows suggestively.

Eridan hesitated for a moment. "What, right here?" he asked, then laughed to himself. "Good lord, Ter, I knew you were crazy, but--"

"Not like that, idiot!" Terezi interrupted, giving Eridan a good-natured shove in the chest. "I meant with a kiss. The last one was good, but I'm pretty sure you were holding back."

"Oh, believe me, you have not even seen Eridan Ampora begin to fuckin' kiss," Eridan assured her, raising his chin in pride. "That was just a demo. The real thing is a fuckin' tour de force. Oceans will rise. Cities will fall. Tongues will lash."

Terezi shot him a confident grin. "Mr. Ampora, are you challenging me to a tongue-off?" she dared him, licking her lips in anticipation.

"That's somethin' I'm just suicidal enough to do," Eridan informed her. "But if you'll forgive my stubborn pride, I'd prefer we not do this little act without a few witnesses."

"Yeah, fair enough," Terezi conceded. She turned an annoyed glance to the edge of the ship behind her. "Now that you mention it, those two have been drowning for an awfully suspect amount of time." She turned around and leaned over the gunwale. "Did you guys actually drown or something?!" she shouted into the water. "Because if you did, we're not dragging your corpses back up here!"

After a moment of nothing happening, Vriska rose from the water carrying Kanaya with her, her flapping wings sending splashes of water everywhere. "Yeah, yeah, we're alive!" she shouted, and the two of them gently landed on the deck. "We just figured you two would want a little private time, which left us with a little private time of our own, so we... well..."

"We made out a little." Kanaya clarified.

"Yeah, thanks, Kanaya," Terezi quipped. "I didn't get that subtle implication."

"Speakin' a' which, Vris," Eridan said, "you've got a little..." He trailed off, pointing at his upper lip.

"Huh? Oh!" There was a smudge of red lipstick on Vriska's lip, which she quickly wiped off. "I guess that kind of gives it away, huh?"

"Blar, you two are so weird!" Terezi cried with a disapproving wave. "Anyway, I take it from your plotting to leave us alone together that you were in on this big shipping scheme as well?"

Vriska grinned at her. "Well, did it work? Are you two matesprits now?" She walked up and gave Terezi a nudge in the ribs. "Are you two gonna go back to your hive and fill aaaaaaaall the pails?"

"Vriska!!!" Terezi shouted in outrage, and swiftly dealt the lascivious spidertroll a fierce drubbing with her cane. "What kind of girl do you think I am?!"

"Yeah, Vris, show a little fuckin' decorum here," Eridan said, giving Vriska a dirty look.

"Anyway, as a matter of fact, yes, we are matesprits now," Terezi answered. "But it doesn't have anything to do with any scheme, ruse, or gambit of any variety!" She crossed her arms defensively. "It just so happens that he is a nice, attractive, charming guy, and he asked me to be his matesprit, and I said yes, completely independent of any sort of romantic skullduggery!"

"Oh, suuuuuuuure you did," Vriska said with no small amount of sacrasm. "Come on, Terezi, you have to admit our FLARPing session had at least a little to do with it."

"Well... okay, maybe just a little," Terezi conceded. "I'll admit, I'm a little surprised that you were willing to throw a fight just for the sake of setting us up."

"Hey, I didn't throw anything!" Vriska assured her. "I was playing to win the whole time! Well, most of the time. It just so happens I know when not to let personal pride get in the way of a dramatic conclusion."

Terezi frowned. "Yeah, that's the part I don't believe."

"Man, Terezi, give me a break already!" Vriska demanded, rolling her eyes.

"Hehehe, fine," Terezi replied. "Anyway, it was all quite fun, actually. And I'm very surprised that Kanaya got in on it too."

"That actually surprised me too!" Vriska said. "I didn't even plan that! It was something these two came up with together." She gave Kanaya an approving down-and-up look. "And I must say, I'm very pleased with the dress..."

"Okay, just for the record," Eridan felt the need to get out in the open, "I didn't make any specific demands for the dress. It was all a product of Kan's twisted think pan."

Terezi chuckled to herself. "Why does that not surprise me?"

Kanaya looked away, a little embarrassed. "I'll admit I may have gone a bit... overboard in tailoring the outfit to fit my roleplaying persona," she conceded.

"Kanaya, I really hope you have a copy of this dress stored somewhere," Vriska said. "Somewhere dry."

"But of course, Vriska," Kanaya assured her. "I also have a version fitted to your proportions... and a Mindfang costume fitted to mine."

"I..." Vriska started, but suddenly words failed her. "Kanaya, what the hell do I even say? Guys, this is the perfect woman."

"Ugh, okay!" Terezi gagged. "Stop being so weird all the time."

"Well, I think they're cute together," Eridan told her.

Terezi spun around to face him. "Well, I think we're cute together, Mr. Ampora!" she informed him, leaning forward so her face was inches from his.

"Oh god, not this again," Eridan said, slapping a hand over his face. "Now even you're sayin' we're cute? I'm a ruthless genocidal lusus-killin' pirate scourge a' the seas, and you're a diabolical master manipulator that regularly hangs people out a' your own twisted sense a' justice. Just what the flippin' hell is it about us that's so fuckin' cute?"

"I don't know," Terezi replied coyly. "Maybe the fact that you're a big insecure dork with terrible taste in clothing, and I'm a weird blind girl with no respect for personal space who regularly licks things just to see what their colors taste like?"

"Yeah, Eridan," Vriska agreed, "you have to admit you are kind of cute together."

"I'm afraid I must concur," Kanaya thirded.

"Ugh... okay, fine," Eridan begrudgingly relented. "I suppose I can bear the absolute fuckin' indignity a' bein' considered 'cute.'"

"Hehe, just admit it," Terezi demanded. "You like being cute."

Eridan reared his head back indignantly. "I'll admit to no such thing," he insisted. He suddenly smirked. "'Sides, if I did, I wouldn't be nearly as cute, now would I?"

"No, I guess not." Terezi agreed, smirking right back at him. "Y'know, for hating being cute so much, you're awfully good at it."

"I've never practiced or anythin'," Eridan assured her. "You just made me an instant expert."

"Okay, now it's my turn to gag," Vriska grumbled, looking like she'd just come down with diabetes. "Get a block, you two."

"Alright, maybe I'm layin' it on a little thick here," Eridan admitted with a shrug. "But hey, thanks a lot for your collaboration in all this, Vris."

"Hey, no problem!" Vriska replied with a wave. "I was just happy for a chance to have some fun with Terezi like we used to. Speaking of which, Terezi, you're perfectly welcome to thank me now."

Terezi just stared at her for a moment. "Yeah, I don't think so, Vriska."

"Bah, you'll come around eventually!" Vriska insisted.

"But really though," Terezi started in earnest, "I had a good time tonight. I'm..." She stopped and looked away from Vriska. "I'm really glad I gave you a second chance. So thanks for not murdering anybody or anything like that."

"Terezi, I told you, I'm done with all that now," Vriska assured her. "From now on, all my schemes will be completely non-violent. And probably have something to do with romance."

"Romance?" Terezi repeated, turning to look at her with disbelief. "Are you a shipper now or something?"

"Um... maybe?" Vriska said vaguely. "Look, I can't talk about it, I'm sworn to secrecy."

"Hahaha, I can't believe you're taking after Nepeta of all people," Terezi said.

"What's wrong with that?" Vriska replied with a curious shrug. "Nepeta is the shit."

"Oh my god, what did she do to you?" Terezi asked, half-amused and half-horrified. "You are so lame now."

"Fuck you!!!" Vriska retorted.

"Okay, okay, ladies, please," Eridan said, taking a step forward and extending a palm to Terezi and Vriska both. "There's no need to argue about how completely embarrassin' it is that Vris is imitatin' Nep of all the fuckin' trolls."

"Oh, like you're even any better!!" Vriska spat at him indignantly.

Eridan raised an index finger to her in warning. "Sworn to secrecy, Vris," he reminded her.

"Bah!" Vriska said with a dismissive wave.

"Anyway, Kan," Eridan said, turning to Kanaya, "thanks a lot for agreein' to help me too. Your performance was exemplary, by the way."

"Thank you, Eridan," Kanaya replied with a slight curtsy. "And really, it was my pleasure."

"Though I have to wonder just how much of your dialogue was taken from trashy rainbow drinker novels," Terezi mused.

"Okay, first of all," Kanaya started, pointing an accusatory finger at Terezi, "they aren't trashy. And second, not a single line of dialogue I spoke tonight was lifted from a rainbow drinker novel... that has been published... yet."

"Ahahahahaha," Terezi replied.

Kanaya crossed her arms and looked away. "Shut up, it's not funny."

"Anyway, Kan, I suppose you'll be wantin' this back," Eridan said, producing the tube of lipstick once more.

"Actually, if I may," Terezi interjected, "Kanaya, can I borrow this for a while?"

"Um, I suppose that wouldn't be a problem," Kanaya replied.

"Why? What are you gonna do with it?" Eridan said, offering the lipstick to Terezi.

"Hehehe, what do you think?" Terezi asked him. Before he could answer, she took the cap off and carefully painted his lips bright red. Her work complete, she took a sniff and grinned hungrily.

***

carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling arsenicCatnip [AC].

CG: NEPETA, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO???
AC: :33 < what?
AC: :33 < karkitty, whats wrong?
CG: OH, DON'T YOU EVEN ACT LIKE YOU DON'T KNOW EXACTLY WHAT THE FUCK I'M TALKING ABOUT HERE.
AC: :33 < i dont!!
CG: ALRIGHT, THEN SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR A SECOND AND LET ME EXPLAIN.
CG: SO I JUST CONTACTED TEREZI
CG: YOU KNOW, TO CHECK TO SEE IF SHE'D BEEN MURDERED OR NOT
CG: SINCE SOMEONE DECIDED TO ROPE HER INTO A LOVELY GAME OF HIGHBLOOD MURDERFEST EXTRAVAGANZA
CG: AND WHILE SHE HAD NOT, IN FACT, ACTUALLY BEEN MURDERED, SOMETHING HAPPENED TO HER THAT'S SOMEHOW A BILLION TIMES WORSE.
CG: I MEAN, SHE
CG: FUCK, I'M SO ANGRY, I CAN'T EVEN TYPE IT.
CG: SHE BECAME MATESPRITS WITH THAT
CG: THAT
CG: THAT FUCKASS?????
CG: LOOK AT THAT SHITTY FUCKING INSULT RIGHT THERE.
CG: I AM SO FUCKING FURIOUS RIGHT NOW THAT "FUCKASS" IS LITERALLY THE BEST THING MY THINK PAN CAN MUSTER HERE.
CG: SO I GUESS WHAT I'M ASKING IS
CG: NEPETA, WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU THINKING???
AC: :33 < karkitty, why are you so angry about this??
CG: STOP FUCKING CALLING ME THAT.
CG: MY NAME IS NOT FUCKING KARKITTY, OKAY? IT'S KARKAT.
CG: I AM SERIOUSLY SO FUCKING SICK OF THAT SHITTY FUCKING NICKNAME THAT I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE.
AC: :33 < okay fine!
AC: :33 < karkat, why are you so angry about this??
CG: BECAUSE I
CG: GOD FUCKING DAMNIT
CG: I WAS
CG: I WAS FLUSHED FOR HER, OKAY??
AC: :33 < oh
AC: :33 < oh no!!
CG: YOU'RE GOD DAMNED FUCKING RIGHT "OH NO!!"
CG: I GUESS YOU WEREN'T VERY THOROUGH IN YOUR FUCKING SHIPPING SWEEPS, WERE YOU???
AC: im sorry karkat!!
AC: i never meant for things to go like this!
AC: no wait, thats not even true
AC: i knew you might be flushed for her and i knew she might be flushed for you, but i went ahead and set her up with eridan
AC: and that just makes the whole thing a thousand times worse!!!
CG: SO WAIT
CG: YOU KNEW WE MIGHT BE FLUSHED FOR EACH OTHER, BUT YOU WENT AHEAD AND SHIPPED HER WITH SOMEONE ELSE ANYWAY???
AC: yes i know!!!
AC: i have absolutely no excuse for it and i just set them up for my own stupid reasons because im a selfish horrible person!
AC: and i never wanted to hurt you like this
AC: because
AC: because youre my really good friend, and i care about you!
AC: but i just went ahead and did this anyway and now you feel horrible and i feel horrible and everything is just horrible!
AC: and im really sorry karkat!
AC: and i know it doesnt matter how many times i say that because you hate me right now and you have every right to, but i really am!!!
CG: WELL
CG: I MEAN
AC: maybe its not too late
AC: maybe i can tell them to break it off and tell terezi to give you a chance!
AC: i mean, they just hooked up, its not too late for that, is it???
CG: WHOA WHOA WHOA, WHAT?
CG: ARE YOU SERIOUSLY OFFERING TO BREAK TEREZI AND ERIDAN UP JUST FOR MY SAKE?
AC: of course i am!!!
AC: nothings set in stone, karkat!
AC: and if the only way you can ever be happy is if youre matesprits with terezi, then ill just have to make you matesprits!
CG: I NEVER SAID THAT.
AC: what?
CG: THAT I WOULD ONLY BE HAPPY WITH TEREZI AS MY MATESPRIT.
AC: but youre so angry about it right now!!
AC: obviously shes the only person youll ever care about and i was just stupid to think you might ever be flushed for somebody else
AC: god, im such an idiot!!!
CG: OKAY, LOOK, JUST
CG: JUST FUCKING STOP FOR A SECOND, OKAY?
CG: I AM JUST BEING A COMPLETELY INSUFFERABLE PIECE OF SHIT RIGHT NOW.
CG: SO BASICALLY WHAT YOU NEED TO DO RIGHT NOW IS STOP TAKING MY WORDS AT FACE VALUE AND SEE ME FOR THE RAVING ASSHOLE I AM.
CG: CAN YOU DO THAT FOR ME, NEPETA?
AC: um
AC: i guess?
CG: OKAY, GOOD.
CG: THE THING IS
CG: I AM JUST
CG: REALLY FUCKING ANGRY RIGHT NOW
CG: BUT I DON'T KNOW WHO OR WHAT TO BE ANGRY *AT*.
AC: you should be mad at me!
AC: im the one who set all this up in the first place!
CG: YEAH, I ALREADY TRIED BEING ANGRY AT YOU.
CG: BUT GOD DAMNIT, NEPETA, YOU MAKE IT REALLY FUCKING DIFFICULT FOR ME TO STAY MAD AT YOU.
CG: I'M TRYING MY DAMNEDEST TO HATE YOU RIGHT NOW, BUT IT'S JUST NOT WORKING FOR WHATEVER REASON.
CG: IT'S JUST MAKING ME FEEL LIKE SHIT, HONESTLY.
AC: im sorry
CG: NO, STOP FUCKING APOLOGIZING TO ME.
CG: THAT JUST MAKES IT EVEN WORSE.
CG: I MEAN
CG: FUCK, I'M THE ONE WHO SHOULD BE APOLOGIZING TO YOU.
AC: no you shouldnt!!!
AC: im the one who went behind your back on all of this and its all my fault and youre just the victim here!
CG: NO NO NO, JUST FUCKING STOP.
CG: AS YOUR LEADER, I ORDER YOU TO STOP APOLOGIZING TO ME AND TALKING ABOUT WHAT AN AWFUL, TERRIBLE PERSON YOU ARE.
AC: well
AC: okay, fine
CG: OKAY, GOOD.
CG: NOW
CG: NEPETA
CG: I'M SORRY.
CG: I'VE BEEN A COMPLETE PIECE OF SHIT TO YOU, AND I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO FUCKING RIGHT TO BE MAD AT YOU FOR THIS.
CG: I MEAN, YES, IT'S FUCKING HORRIBLE, AND IT SUCKS, BUT IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT.
CG: AND I KNOW YOU'RE THE ONE THAT ENGINEERED THIS, BUT ERIDAN AND TEREZI ARE THE ONES WHO WENT THROUGH WITH IT IN THE FIRST PLACE.
AC: please dont be mad at them about this
CG: I'LL BE MAD AT WHOEVER THE FUCK I WANT TO BE MAD AT ABOUT THIS, LET'S JUST BE ABSOLUTELY CLEAR ON THAT.
AC: ugh, fine
CG: BUT, I MEAN
CG: I'M NOT MAD AT YOU.
CG: AND I'M SORRY FOR TAKING THIS OUT ON YOU THE WAY I DID.
AC: okay, i forgive you, i guess
CG: YOU GUESS?
AC: theres nothing to really forgive, karkat!
AC: im not mad at you!
CG: OKAY, NO, THAT'S BULLSHIT.
CG: WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU NOT MAD AT ME?
AC: i dont know!
AC: because youre my friend!
CG: FRIENDS CAN STILL BE MAD AT EACH OTHER, NEPETA.
CG: FOR FUCK'S SAKE, LOOK AT ME AND SOLLUX, WE'RE MAD AT EACH OTHER PRETTY MUCH ALL THE TIME.
AC: well, im just not mad at you, okay??
CG: NO, IT'S NOT EVEN REMOTELY CLOSE TO FUCKING OKAY.
CG: YOU WERE JUST DOING SOMETHING NICE FOR EVERYBODY THAT I *EXPLICITLY ORDERED YOU TO DO*
CG: AND THEN I DECIDED TO FLIP MY SHIT ABOUT IT JUST BECAUSE YOU PAIRED SOMEBODY I WAS FLUSHED WITH UP WITH SOMEBODY ELSE.
CG: THERE IS NO FUCKING WAY YOU'RE NOT ANGRY AT ME ABOUT THIS.
AC: im not!!
CG: NO, FUCK THAT.
CG: YOU SHOULD BE ANGRY AT ME.
CG: BE ANGRY AT ME.
AC: no!!!
CG: GOD DAMNIT.
CG: AS YOUR LEADER, I AM FUCKING ORDERING YOU TO BE MAD AT ME.
AC: well then im disobeying your order!!!!
CG: WHY ARE YOU BEING SO FUCKING STUBBORN ABOUT THIS?
CG: WHY CAN'T YOU JUST HATE ME AS MUCH AS I DESERVE TO BE HATED RIGHT NOW?
AC: because i cant hate you karkat!!!
CG: WHY THE FUCK NOT?
AC: because
AC: because i dont know why, okay???
AC: look, this whole conversation is stupid and pointless and we should just drop the whole thing!!!
CG: UGH.
CG: YEAH, YOU'RE PROBABLY RIGHT.
AC: thank you
CG: SO
CG: DON'T BREAK THOSE TWO UP, OKAY?
CG: FRANKLY, IT'S A STUPID IDEA, AND RELATIONSHIPS DON'T EVEN COME CLOSE TO WORKING THAT WAY.
CG: BESIDES, IF THEY'RE REALLY AS HORRIBLE FOR EACH OTHER AS I HOPE THEY ARE, THEY'LL BREAK UP ON THEIR OWN ANYWAY.
AC: well
AC: okay, i guess
CG: OKAY, GOOD.
AC: so
AC: ugh
AC: i guess ill have to post a memo about this
CG: WELL, DON'T LET ME STOP YOU.
AC: i will let you stop me
CG: WELL, I'M NOT GOING TO FUCKING STOP YOU!
AC: ugh, fine
AC: well
AC: not really much else to talk about, i guess
CG: NO, I GUESS NOT.
AC: i mean
AC: i really am sorry, karkat
CG: NO, I'M SORRY, NEPETA.
AC: no im sorry!!!
CG: LOOK, IF WE KEEP DOING THIS, WE'RE JUST GOING TO BE APOLOGIZING TO EACH OTHER UNTIL YOU BLOCK ME.
AC: why would i block you?
CG: BECAUSE I'M A STUPID ASSHOLE WHO SCREAMED AT YOU FOR NO REASON.
AC: i dont want to block you, karkat
CG: NO, FUCK THAT.
CG: YOU SHOULD WANT TO BLOCK ME.
CG: BLOCK ME.
AC: im not blocking you!!!!!
CG: OH, FOR FUCK'S SAKE, FINE.
CG: I'D JUST BLOCK YOU, BUT
CG: NO, THAT'S INCREDIBLY FUCKING STUPID.
AC: its not that stupid
CG: NO, WE ARE NOT STARTING THIS AGAIN.
CG: OKAY, LOOK, THIS
CG: THIS CONVERSATION NEEDS TO END.
AC: yeah, i guess
CG: SO
CG: I'M LEAVING NOW.
AC: okay
CG: SEE YOU AROUND, I GUESS?
AC: if you want to
CG: I DO WANT TO.
AC: then i want to too, i guess
CG: OKAY, WELL
CG: BYE, THEN?
AC: yeah, bye
CG: OKAY, SO
CG: SIGNING OFF, I GUESS.

carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling arsenicCatnip [AC].

AC: karkat, i
AC: fuck

arsenicCatnip [AC] ceased trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG].

Notes:

I AM REALLY SORRY THIS TOOK SO LONG. It probably won't happen again. At least not soon. The next three chapters, at least, will be all pesterlogs and memos, and those are a lot easier to write.

Chapter 12: A Ship in Troubled Waters

Chapter 12

A Ship in Troubled Waters

CURRENT arsenicCatnip [CAC] RIGHT NOW opened memo on board :33 < THE SHIPPING WALL.

CURRENT arachnidsGrip [CAG] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.
CAG: *The Rogue of Heart rushes eagerly to the door of her shipping 8unker, 8ut 8efore she can reach it, she finds herself 8eing waylaid 8y the Thief of Light!*
CAG: *With a maniacal laugh, the Thief swoops down and snatches the shipping upd8 from the 8efuddled Rogue's hands, leaving her hacking up sparkles as she sits empty-handed in a cloud of cerulean fairy dust!*
CAG: Aaaaaaaahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!
CAG: ........
CAG: Uh, Nepeta, you there?
CAG: Helloooooooo????????
CAC: :33 < are you done?
CAG: Um........ yes?
CAC: :33 < good
CAC: :33 < i just want to get this stupid memo ofur with already
CAG: What????????
CAG: You're usually really enthusiastic a8out these things.
CAC: :33 < look, im just
CAC: :33 < im in a bad mood, okay?
CAC: :33 < i dont want to talk about it
CAG: Are you mad 8ecause I 8eat you to the punch on the intro?
CAG: I was just having a little fun! What's the 8ig deal?
CAC: :33 < i dont care about that
CAC: :33 < i wasnt even gonna do an intro
CAC: :33 < so really, i guess the joke
CAC: :33 < is on you
CAC: :33 < ha
CAC: :33 < ha
CAC: :33 < ha
CAG: ........
CAG: Okay, Nepeta, you're acting really weird right now.
CAG: Seriously, what's your pro8lem????????
CAC: :33 < whatefur
CAC: :33 < eridan, just say your thing
CURRENT caligulasAquarium [CCA] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.
CCA: ok really nep wwhat the fuck is goin on here
CCA: i get that you dont like me but honestly are you really so fuckin loww that you cant be happy for me after this
CAC: :33 < its not that!!
CAC: :33 < i mean
CAC: :33 < i am happy fur you, i guess
CAC: :33 < its not like im in a bad mood beclaws of you or anything
CCA: really
CCA: cause its awwfully fuckin suspect to me
CCA: like youre usually all moonlight an rainbowws about evverythin
CCA: but as soon as i find a matesprit suddenly youre all angry an moody an depressed
CCA: so if its not that then wwhat the fuck is it
CAC: :33 < i already said i dont want to talk about it!!
CAC: :33 < ive got my own problems and they really arent any of your fucking business!!
CAC: :33 < or am i not allowed to have problems??
CAC: :33 < do i have to be miss perfect happy-go-lucky every single second of every fucking day? is that it?
CAC: :33 < all of you other assholes are allowed to complain about every mildly negative thing that ever fucking happens to you, but as soon as nepetas in a bad mood, its suddenly a top priority universe-shattering emergency????
CAC: :33 < just drop it, god
CURRENT gallowsCalibrator [CGC] responded to memo.
CGC: OK4Y, N3P3T4
CGC: NOBODY S4Y1NG YOU DONT H4V3 TH3 R1GHT TO B3 1N 4 B4D MOOD
CGC: BUT UNL3SS YOUV3 GOT 4 PROBL3M W1TH US SP3C1F1C4LLY, YOU R34LLY SHOULDNT B3 T4K1NG 1T OUT ON US
CGC: 4ND 1F YOU DO H4V3 4 PROBL3M W1TH US, YOU SHOULD JUST S4Y SO
CAC: :33 < well
CAC: :33 < ...
CAC: :33 < yeah, i guess youre right
CAC: :33 < sorry
CGC: 1TS F1N3
CGC: 1TS NOT L1K3 YOUR3 TH3 F1RST P3RSON TO L4SH OUT 4T P3OPL3 WHO DONT D3S3RV3 1T
CAG: Pro8a8ly the last, actually.
CGC: H4H4, Y34H
CAC: :33 < h33 h33, i guess so
CAC: :33 < anyway, i shouldnt have even brought it up
CAC: :33 < its not anything to do with you guys
CAC: :33 < its personal
CAC: :33 < i mean purrsonal
CAC: :33 < ugh, i k33p furgetting my cat puns
CCA: cmon nep youvve got to stay on top of this shit
CCA: you cant just let all these missed puns slide because youre in a bad fuckin mood
CAC: :33 < oh whatefur, like youre even one to talk!
CAC: :33 < when was the last time you even made an ocean pun that wasnt just replacing see with sea?
CCA: ok just no
CCA: ivve already got a perfectly fuckin servvicable quirk here ok
CCA: i dont need to supplement it wwith a buncha lame ass fuckin puns
CCA: honestly i dont evven like ocean puns that much i think theyre kinda stupid
CCA: in fact puns in general are kinda stupid and youre stupid for evven makin so many of em
CAC: :33 < well i think your stupid wavy accent is stupid and youre even more stupid!!!
CCA: ok enough a this wwiggler levvel shit
CCA: can wwe please just get to the good part a the memo already
CAC: :33 < fine, go ahead
CAC: :33 < youre purrt of the lucky couple, so by all means, f33l fr33 to make the ameowncement
CCA: wwell id make it myself but im pretty sure nobody wwould evven believve me
CCA: so ill let her do the announcin
CGC: H3H3, OK4Y
CGC: 3R1D4N 4ND 1 4R3 PR3TTY MUCH M4T3SPR1TS NOW
PAST twinArmageddons [PTA] 4 MINUTES AGO responded to memo.
PTA: what.
PTA: tz, are you fuckiing 2eriiou2?
CGC: OF COURS3 1M S3R1OUS!
CGC: WHY WOULD 1 3V3N JOK3 4BOUT TH1S K1ND OF TH1NG, HON3STLY
PTA: but ii mean, iit'2...
PTA: iit'2 fuckiing ed.
CCA: oh wwoww sol thanks a lot
CCA: really fuckin appreciate your flatterin wwords here
PTA: eheh, no problem.
CGC: BL4R, WH4T3V3R
CGC: W3 H4D 4 R34LLY GOOD T1M3 FL4RP1NG L4ST N1GHT
CGC: 4ND 1T TURNS OUT H3S 4CTU4LLY 4 PR3TTY COOL GUY
CGC: SO 1 F1GUR3D
CGC: WH4T TH3 H3LL, 1LL G1V3 1T 4 SHOT
PTA: yeah, but you hardly even know hiim.
PTA: liike, you play a 2tupiid roleplayiing game wiith hiim once, and 2uddenly you're perfect 2oulmate2 forever?
CGC: Y34H, NOW TH4T YOU M3NT1ON 1T
CGC: 1TS R34LLY 1N4PPROPR14T3 FOR M3 TO H4V3 ROM4NT1C F33L1NGS FOR 4 S34DW3LL3R 1 B4R3LY 3V3N KN3W D4YS 4GO
PTA: ugh.
PTA: thii2 ii2 how every conver2atiion ii ever have ii2 goiing two go, ii2n't iit.
CAG: Yeeeeeeeep.
PTA: oh god, don't even 2tart.
PTA: ii'm really not iin the mood for more of your fliirtiing.
CAG: Woooooooow, look who thinks he's all top potential kismesis of the fucking millennium.
CAG: Are you honestly so self-a8sor8ed that you think every 8ad thing I say a8out you is some kind of caliginous solicit8ion????????
CAG: May8e sometimes I just want to call you an idi8 8ecause you're actually 8eing an idi8.
PTA: are you 2wiitchiing your tactiic2 up on me, vk?
PTA: tryiing two play hard two get or 2omethiing?
CAG: Yeah, may8e that's it........
CAG: Or maaaaaaaay8e I want to actually stick around in this memo and don't really feel like putting up with you constantly altern8ing 8etween flirting with me and vehemently denying you're flirting with me.
PTA: ii'm not fuckiing fliirtiing wiith you.
CAG: Oh gr8, here we go........
CAC: :33 < no blackrom!!!!!!
CAC: :33 < or whatefur this is
CAC: :33 < k33p it down or ill start banning people!
CAG: Hey, I can have a civil convers8ion if he can.
PTA: and ii'll behave my2elf a2 long a2 2piidertroll ii2n't con2tantly fuckiing hiittiing on me.
CAC: :33 < well okay then!
CGC: WOW N3P3T4
CGC: B3 4 L1TTL3 MOR3 4SH3N FOR TH3M, WHY DONT YOU
CAC: :33 < >:OO
CAC: :33 < its not like that!!!
CAC: :33 < i just dont want people filling my memos with stupid pointless arguments!
CAC: :33 < if they want to be hissmesisses or just platonically hate each other or whatefur, it isnt any of my business
CGC: H3H3H3, SUUUUR3, N3P3T4
CGC: c3<
CAC: :33 < dont you type clubs at me!!!!
CGC: c3< c3< c3< c3< c3< c3<
CAC: XOO < grrrrr stop it!!!!!!
CGC: H3H3H3H3, 1M JUST M3SS1NG W1TH YOU
CGC: 1 WOULDNT W4NT TO B3 TH3 UNLUCKY S4P WHO H4S TO ST1CK 4 CLUB B3TW33N THOS3 TWO 31TH3R
PTA: what the hell ii2 that 2uppo2ed two mean?
CCA: it means shut up wwere gettin wwildly off topic here
CCA: god can wwe please stop talkin about how amazinly stupidly obvvious it is that you twwo are as black as can possibly fuckin be for each other an howw completely perfect youd be together an focus on the matter at hand
PTA: oh god, ed, not you two.
PTA: why the fuck can you a22hole2 not ju2t 2top 2hiippiing me.
CCA: wwhat the fuck did i JUST SAY
CCA: MATTER AT HAND
PTA: okay, okay, fiine.
PTA: biifurcatiion giimmiick or not, you don't have two a2k me twiice to 2wiitch two another topiic.
PTA: that topiic beiing that you two are mate2priit2 now de2piite the fact that, what the fuck, have you even 2poken before?
CCA: for fucks sake sol of course wwevve spoken before
CCA: i mean cmon wwe wwere both flarpin partners wwith vvris howw could wwe nevver havve evven talked
CCA: but ill freely admit that before today ter probably best kneww me as the guy wwho wwas constantly buggin her to auspisticize betwween me an vvris
CCA: an occasionally halfheartedly flirted wwith her
CCA: wwait i mean half collapsin an expandin bladder based aquatic vvascular systemly flirted wwith her
CCA: but is it really so hard to believve that after one excellent flarpin session wwe might wwant to get to knoww each other a little better
CCA: and no that isnt supposed to be some kind of innuendo givve me a little credit here
PTA: well...
PTA: ii gue22 that 2ound2 rea2onable enough.
PTA: but 2tiill, iit 2eem2 awfully early two be 2lappiing the mate2priit label on iit.
CGC: WHO C4R3S, 1TS JUST 4 WORD
CGC: 1TS NOT L1K3 1TS SOM3 HUG3 4M4Z1NG D3CL4R4T1ON TH4T YOU C4N N3V3R 3V3R T4K3 B4CK
CGC: 1 M34N, 1F 3V3RYBODY W41T3D TO B3COM3 M4T3SPR1TS UNT1L TH3Y W3R3 SUR3 TH3Y W3R3 TRULY, M4DLY, D33PLY 1N LOV3, NOBODY WOULD 3V3R B3COM3 FUCK1NG M4T3SPR1TS
CGC: NOT 4LL OF US C4N B3 SOULM4T3S UN1T3D 4T L4ST 4FT3R D3SP3R4T3LY Y34RN1NG FOR 34CH OTH3R FOR SW33PS
CAG: Yeah, Sollux, what's the 8ig deal????????
CAG: I mean, is it really that hard to 8elieve that two people can say they want to be m8sprits when they already know they 8oth like each other????????
PTA: oh for fuck'2 2ake, 2eriiou2ly?
PTA: are you goiing two twii2t every po22iible topiic of conver2atiion iintwo 2omethiing about me and ff?
CAG: I'm just saying it's not that horrifyingly crushing of a 8urden to commit to a single course of action on things like this.
CAG: Just saying.
PTA: well, ii'm ju2t 2ayiing 2hut up.
CAG: Hahahahahahaha, whatever.
PTA: anyway, ii gue22 ii don't really have a problem wiith you guy2 hookiing up, iif that'2 what you really want.
PTA: and even iif ii diid, iit'2 not really my place two object two iit.
CGC: W3LL TH4NK YOU SOLLUX
CGC: YOUR 1NCR3D1BLY 3NTHUS14ST1C 3NDORS3M3NT M34NS 4 LOT TO BOTH OF US
PTA: whatever.
PTA: anyway, hey ed.
CCA: wwhat
PTA: ff wants two know iif iit'2 okay for her two re2pond here.
CCA: seariously
PTA: yeah, dude.
CCA: cmon fef you dont need my permission to respond to a public memo
PAST cuttlefishCuller [PCC] 4 MINUTES AGO responded to memo.
PCC: W)(ale, I wanted to be s)(ore you still didn't want to glub at me or not!
CCA: im a big boy alright i can handle it
PCC: 38P
PCC: Anyway, --Eridan, I'm R--E--EELY )(APPY for you for )(ooking up wit)( Terezi!!!
PCC: In fact, I'm R----E----ELY )(APPY for BOT)( of you!!!!!
PCC: I've supported t)(is s)(ip from t)(e very B---EGINNING!!
CGC: >8?
CGC: YOU SH1PP3D M3 W1TH 3R1D4N?
CGC: L1K3, PR1OR TO TH1S?
PCC: W)(ale, of COURS--E I did!!
PCC: I mean, all I knew aboat you was t)(at you were Vriska's FLARPing partner and t)(at you were apparently "smart as fuck."
PCC: --Eridan's words, not mine.
CGC: W3LL H3 GOT TH3 MOST 1MPORT4NT P4RT R1GHT >8]
PCC: Anyway, I figured you two would hake a P--ERF--ECT matc)(!
PCC: I mean, suc)( a brill-iant FLARPing mastermind would S)(OR--ELY hake a great matc)( for a great strategic mind like --Eridan!
PCC: And )(e was kismeses wit)( Vriska at t)(e time, and w)(at betta way to ruffle )(er gills t)(an to )(ook up wit)( her FLARPing partner??
CAG: Hahahahahahahaha, oh man, that would've 8een hilarious.
CAG: You should've gone for it, dude!!!!!!!!
CCA: i did go for it
CCA: i just didnt particularly put that much effort into it
PCC: Yea)(, in retrospect it's PR-ETTY obvious w)(y all your romantic efforts wit)( )(er never panned out. 38/
CCA: ugh i knoww
CCA: cod i wwas such a glubbin tool
CCA: i mean all this time theres this awwesome girl right here
CCA: an i just completely ignore her cause i wwas flushed for my morayeel of all the glubbin people
CCA: like i wwas totally bl
CCA: awwww fuck im gonna havve to stop usin vvision based metaphors entirely noww arent i
CGC: YOU C4N ST1LL M4K3 TH3M
CGC: BUT 1LL M4K3 FUN OF YOU 3V3RY T1M3 YOU DO
CGC: D34L?
CCA: ok deal
CGC: GR34T! >8]
CCA: glad wwe saww eye to eye on this
CGC: Y34H W3 D1D
CGC: 3XC3PT NOT, B3C4US3 1M BL1ND, DUMP4SS
CCA: ok good
CCA: just seein if you wwere wwillin to hold up your end a the bargain
CGC: YOU KNOW WHO W4SNT S331NG TH4T
CGC: M3
CGC: B3C4US3 1M BL1ND, 1D1OT
CCA: hahahaha
CCA: ok you realize im gonna make vvision based metaphors pretty much constantly noww right
CGC: W3LL, Y34H, OBV1OUSLY
CGC: WHY WOULD 1 3V3N 3XT3ND TH3 OFF3R UNL3SS 1 KN3W 1T WOULD G1V3 M3 4N 3XCUS3 TO M4K3 FUN OF YOU CONST4NTLY
CCA: its a pretty obvvious ploy all things considered
CCA: pretty much anybody could sea it
CGC: Y34H, 4NYBODY
CGC: 3XC3PT 4 BL1ND P3RSON
CGC: L1K3 M3, YOU DUMB SH1T
CCA: hahahahahaha <3
CGC: H3H3H3, OK4Y, <3
PCC: )(a)(a)(a, you two are SO CUT----E!!! 38D
CGC: Y3S
CGC: CUT3 1S D3F1N1T3LY TH3 MOST 4PPROPR14T3 WORD TO D3SCR1B3 US
CCA: ugh
CCA: theres that fuckin wword again
CCA: i mean i guess im wwillin to abide these frivvolous accusations a cuteness
CCA: but im just sayin i dont sea it
CCA: aha an if you try to say you dont sea it either cause youre blind then youre admittin wwere not cute
CCA: CHECK AND MATE
CGC: >8/
CGC: OK4Y YOU GOT M3
CGC: BUT 1M ST1LL 1NSULT1NG YOU
CGC: 1D1OT
CCA: haha ok fair enough
CAC: :33 < h33 h33!
CAC: :33 < eridan, youre such a dork!
CGC: H3Y!
CGC: NO ON3S 4LLOW3D TO C4LL H1M 4 DORK BUT M3!
CCA: no ter its cool
CCA: nep can call me pretty much wwhatevver she wwants
CCA: though id prefer somethin wwith a little more vvitriol
CGC: OH R1GHT, 1 FORGOT, SORRY
CAC: :33 < furgot what?
CGC: H3H3H3, NOTH1NG
PCC: So )(--EY! )(ow did you two end up )(ooking up??
PCC: I want all t)(e juicy details on )(ow it went down!
PCC: Aaaaaaaall of t)(em!
CAG: Oh my god, Feferi.
CAG: Did you totally just do my thing on purpose?
PCC: No...
PCC: I did it on PORPOIS--------E!!!!!!!!
CAG: Hahahahahahaha, yessssssss.
CAG: <33333333
CURRENT grimAuxiliatrix [CGA] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.
CGA: Um
CAG: Oh, hey Kanaya! What's up?
CGA: Oh Nothing At All Vriska
CGA: It Just Seems Like Youve Been Really Um
CGA: Friendly With Feferi Lately
PCC: Is t)(at a problem?
PTA: uh, ye2?
PCC: I WASN'T ASKING YOU!!!! >38O
CAG: Yeah, Sollux, mind your own 8eeswax!!!!!!!!
PTA: well, ii don't 2ee how thii2 2hiit i2 any le22 my bu2iine22 than iit ii2 ky'2.
CGA: Look I Never Said I Had A Problem With It
CGA: I Just Think Its A Little Curious Is All
PCC: And just w)(at's so curious about it?
CGA: Well I Mean You Two Hardly Knew Each Other Days Ago
CGA: And Yet Recently It Seems Youre Really
CGA: Um
CGA: Affectionate
PCC: I'm not reely s)(ore I get w)(at you're implying )(ere, Kanaya.
CGA: Im Not Implying Anything
CGA: Im Just Saying
CGA: Urrgh Nevermind Just Forget I Brought It Up
CAG: Look, Kanaya, Feferi's my friend, alright?
CAG: And I know it's weird 8ecause we 8asically never interacted 8efore.
CAG: 8ut five days ago, I was a murderous evil psychopath who killed people for the fun of it, and now I'm........
CAG: Well, I'm not that!!!!!!!!
CAG: And it's pretty o8vious why we were never friends 8efore, 8ut now that I'm not all "8LUH 8LUH HUGE 8ITCH" all the time, it seems pretty o8vious why we are!
PCC: Y--EA)(!!
PCC: We are bot)( cool, smart, sassy ladies w)(o don't take any carp from ANYBODY!
CAG: Yes.
CAG: Fuck yes.
PCC: S)(--ELL GLUBBING Y--ES.
PTA: ugh.
CGA: Yes Thats Fine I Get That Completely
CGA: Really Im Okay With You Two Being Friends
CGA: I Was Just Saying I Thought It Was A Little Weird
CAG: Well, may8e it is a little weird.
CAG: 8ut who cares! Chalk it up to the troll magic of friendship.
PTA: friiend2hiip ii2n't magiic, numbglobe2.
PCC: Sollux, B--E NIC--E!!
PTA: no.
PCC: >38P
PCC: ANYWAY, now t)(at we're apparently done talking aboat w)(atever stupid nonsense we were talking aboat, can we get back to my original question??
PCC: T)(at being, w)(at )(appened during your FLARPing session last nig)(t??
PCC: W)(at kind of AW--ESOM--E S)(--ENANIGANS went down t)(at made you two become matesprits???
CGC: OH
CGC: 4R3 W3 T4LK1NG 4BOUT M3 4ND 3R1D4N 4G41N
CGC: W3R3 NOT 1NT3RRUPT1NG YOUR R3GUL4RLY SCH3DUL3D VR1SK4CH4T 4R3 W3
CAG: ::::P
PCC: Vriskac)(at is OV--ER! It's done!
PCC: We're stuffing it in a locker and t)(rowing it into t)(e sea, and it will sit on t)(e ocean floor for SW--E--EPS to come!!
PCC: Just T----ELL M-----E W)(AT )(APP------EN--------ED!!!!!!!!
PTA: ff, why are you gettiing 2o worked up over thii2?
PTA: why do you even care how tz and ed hooked up?
PCC: Because --Eridan <3 Terezi is my OTP!!
PCC: And I just )(AV----E to know )(ow it ended up )(appening!!!
CAC: :33 < really??
CAC: :33 < theyre your otp?
PCC: W)(ale, s)(e was my OTP for )(im, in any case!
PTA: ff, 2iince when are you a 2hiipper?
PCC: I was )(is morayeel, okay??
PCC: Kelping your morayeel fill t)(eir ot)(er quadrants is kind of part of t)(e w)(ole deal!
PCC: It's not like I s)(ip anybody ---ELS---E!
PCC: I mean, besides mys)(ellf, obviously, but I'm pretty s)(ore we ALL s)(ip ours)(ellves!
CAC: :33 < i dont ship myself!
CAG: Whaaaaaaaat????????
CAG: Nepeta, there's no way aaaaaaaany8ody is gonna 8elieve you don't ship yourself.
CAC: :33 < really, i dont!
CAC: :33 < i know im shipping efurrypawdy else, but i have to save myself fur last
CAG: 8uuuuuuuullshiiiiiiiit.
CAC: :33 < im serious!!!!
CAC: :33 < efurrypawdy else comes furst, its part of the rules!
CGC: WH4T RUL3S?
CAC: :33 < er
CAC: :33 < the rules of shipping, pawbviously!!
CAC: :33 < its the furst rule in the shippers code!
CGC: OK4Y
CGC: TH3R3 1S NO SUCH TH1NG 4S 4 SH1PP3RS COD3
CGC: YOU L1T3R4LLY JUST M4D3 TH4T UP R1GHT NOW
CAC: :33 < no i didnt!!!!!
CCA: ahaha knowwin nep its probably somethin she made up swweeps ago
CCA: came up wwith a bunch of nonsensical codes a conduct an scribbled em all ovver the wwalls of her cavve wwith her owwn leavvins
CAC: :33 < ewwww no!!!
CAC: :33 < i nefur did anything like that!
CAC: :33 < though i guess i could paint the rules on my walls
CAC: :33 < but if i did, id do it with the blood of an annoying douchey seadweller instead!!!!
CCA: oh fuck yes now wwere gettin somewwhere
CCA: tell me nep wwhat else do you wwanna do wwith my blood
CAC: :33 < what?? i dont know!!
CGC: T4ST3 1T
CAC: :33 < what?
CGC: T3LL H1M YOULL T4ST3 1T
CGC: JUST PUT 4 L1TTL3 1N YOUR MOUTH
CGC: S33 WH4T 1T T4ST3S L1K3
CGC: >8]
CAC: :33 < well
CAC: :33 < i guess id have a little left on my fingers after that
CAC: :33 < and id have to clean them off
CAC: :33 < so i guess id just
CAC: :33 < lick the blood off?
CAC: :33 < s33 how it tastes?
CCA: so wwhat youre just gonna lick em once
CCA: just magically removve all the blood wwith a single swwipe
CCA: cmon nep be more specific here
CAC: :33 < well, i guess theyd be purretty soaked
CAC: :33 < so id purrobably have to
CAC: :33 < put them in my mouth?
CAC: :33 < suck on them a little, maybe?
PCC: 38O
PTA: oh my god.
CCA: wwhat like all at once
CAC: :33 < no, that would look silly!
CAC: :33 < id have to do them one at a time
CAC: :33 < just so i could get my tongue all the way around them
CGA: Um
CGC: >8O!!!
CAG: Nep8ta, holy sh8t.
CAC: :33 < what?????
CAG: Do y8u........
CAG: Do you s8riously have no id8a what's going on h8re????????
CAC: :33 < no, not really!
CAC: :33 < i just mentioned blood and eridan started asking me all these weird questions
CAC: :33 < so i was just answering them
CAC: :33 < and now efurrypawdys fureaking out fur some reason!
CAC: :33 < whats the big deal???
CAG: Aaaaaaaahahahahahahahaha, oh my god.
CAG: This is just too precious.
CAC: :33 < whats purrecious????
CAG: Nevermind, it's nothing.
CAG: Just keep answering Mr. Ampora's questions.
CAC: :33 < um
CAC: :33 < okay??
CCA: oh my god should i actually keep goin
PTA: no, fuck that.
PTA: thii2 ii2 the most flagrant dii2play of hypocrii2y ii've ever 2een.
CAC: :33 < hypawcrisy?
CAC: :33 < whats hypurrcritical about what?
CAG: Nononononononono don't tell her!!!!!!!!
CAG: This is too hilarious for us to just throw away!!!!!!!!
PCC: Yea)(, it reely kind of is!!
PTA: eheh, yeah, ii gue22 iit ii2 pretty hiilariiou2.
PTA: but 2eriiou2ly, can we plea2e 2top now?
CGA: Im Afraid I Have To Reiterate Mister Captors Request
CGA: As Humorous As This Whole Exchange Has Been I Think Im Starting To Feel A Little Dirty Just For Having Read It
CAC: :33 < what are you people talking about!!!!!!!!!
CCA: ok ok ill stop noww
CAC: :33 < no seriously, whats with you guys???
CGC: H3H3H3H3, 1TS NOTH1NG
CGC: YOULL F1ND OUT WH3N YOUR3 OLDER
CAC: :33 < ugh, fine, nefurmind!!!
PCC: Anyway, Terezi! --Eridan! --Eit)(er of you two!
PCC: W)(at )(appened last nig)(t???
PCC: T----ELL M----E!!!!!!
CGC: 3R
CGC: 4CTU4LLY, TH1NK1NG 4BOUT WH4T H4PP3N3D
CGC: 1TS K1ND OF 3MB4RR4SS1NG
CCA: wwhat theres nothin
CCA: ok actually thinkin back i guess the wwhole scenario might be construed as a little silly
FUTURE adiosToreador [FAT] 15 MINUTES FROM NOW responded to memo.
FAT: oKAY, lOOK, nO,
FAT: tHERE IS ABSOLUTELY NOTHING ABOUT THE EVENTS THAT TOOK PLACE LAST NIGHT THAT ANYONE COULD CALL SILLY, oR EMBARRASSING, oR ANYTHING LIKE THAT
FAT: tHE WHOLE THING WAS A BEAUTIFUL, hARROWING, pOIGNANT OCCURRENCE,
FAT: iT WAS A MOVING TALE OF REDEMPTION, aND OF GROWTH, aND OF LOST LOVE REIGNITED, aND NEW LOVE GIVEN LIFE,
FAT: lAST NIGHT'S flarpING SESSION WAS A THING OF BEAUTY, AND i AM NOT EVEN ASHAMED TO ADMIT i TEARED UP A FEW TIMES WHILE i WAS WATCHING IT,
CGC: OH, T4VROS
CGC: 1 4CTU4LLY K1ND OF FORGOT YOU W3R3 W4TCH1NG TH3 WHOL3 TH1NG
CGC: OH GOD, 4ND VR1SK4 4ND K4N4Y4 PROB4BLY H34RD 3V3RYTH1NG TOO
CAG: Actually, after we got in the water, we kind of stopped paying attention to what you guys were talking a8out.
CGA: Because We Were Busy Making Out
CAG: Yes, Kanaya, thank you.
CGA: I Just Felt The Need To Clarify
CCA: hahahahaha
PCC: Wait, Kanaya was t)(ere too???
PCC: Okay, I t)(ink somebody needs to explain t)(is W)(OL--E GLUBBING T)(ING to me.
CAG: Alright, fine, I'll explain it!
CAG: I mean........ is it okay if I explain it?
CCA: fine wwith me
CGC: Y34H, 1 TH1NK YOULL 3XPL41N 1T B3TT3R 4NYW4Y
CAG: Okay, then every8ody have a seat and get real comforta8le, 8ecause I'm a8out to tell you a story.
CAG: It's a little yarn I like to call........
CAG: "The Death of Spinneret Mindfang!"
PCC: W)(AT???
PCC: T)(e title just COMPL---ET----ELY spoils t)(e ending?????
CAG: You don't know that!!!!!!!!
CAG: It could 8e one of those deli8er8ely deceptive titles, where they just SAY the main character's going to die to get people to 8uy it.
CGC: OR 1T COULD 4CTU4LLY B3 TRU3
CAG: That's a distinct possi8ility!!!!!!!!
CAG: And may8e we'll find out if you people will let me T8LL THE F8CKING ST8RY!!!!!!!!
PCC: Alrig)(t, alrig)(t, just tell it!
CAG: Okay!
CAG: The stage is set a8oard the deck of a massive galleon, floating in the endless waters of the Alternian ocean.
CAG (Well, technically, it's the ocean of LOMAT, 8ut technicalities!)
CAG: At the 8ow stands the infamous Marquise Spinneret Mindfang, gam8lignant and petticoat seagrift of gr8 renown.
CAG: And yet, she has grown tired of her life of crime. She's fed up with having to sacrifice others in order to save herself.
CAG: She seeks to put her past transgressions 8ehind her and dedic8 her life to something new........
CAG: Revolution!!!!!!!!
CAG: 8ut alas, she cannot simply walk away! The ghosts of her past chase her ever still, and two particular phantasms will never give up the hunt as long as they 8oth shall live.
CAG: The first, Neophyte Redglare, is a legislacer8or and fierce enforcer of justice, and relentlessly seeks Mindfang in order to m8ke her sentenced for her innumera8le crimes.
CAG: And the second, Orphaner Dualscar, is her former kismesis, a wretched 8lackguard who, in a fit of jealousy, kidnapped and killed the Dolorosa, a jade8looded slave that Mindfang realized entirely too l8 she had flushed feelings for.
PTA: waiit, ii2 that 2uppo2ed two be ky?
PTA: diid 2he roleplay a2 a corp2e or 2omethiing?
CAG: I'm getting to that part!
PTA: okay, 2o 2he'2 2tiill aliive.
CAG: Would you just shut up and let me finish!!!!!!!!
PTA: fiine, whatever.
CAG: Anyway! Mindfang had extended an invit8ion to Redglare to meet her a8oard her ship, to settle things 8etween them once and for all.
CAG: She didn't even 8other sending one to Dualscar 8ecause she was just like, "Fuck that guy."
CAG: So anyway, Redglare shows up, Mindfang tries putting the 8lack moves on her and she's just like "thanks 8ut no thanks," and they end up fighting.
CAG: Mindfang has Redglare on the ropes, and she's totally a8out to execute her, when who should show his stupid fishy face 8ut Orphaner Dualscar!!!!!!!!
PCC: )(--EY! --Easy wit)( t)(e seadweller slurs!
CAG: Shit, sorry. Force of ha8it.
CAG: Or should I say........ force of hali8ut????????
PCC: )(a)(a)(a)(a, t)(at's a good one!
PTA: oh god, vk, plea2e don't 2tart doiing fii2h pun2.
CAG: I'll use whatever kind of puns I eel like using!!!!!!!!
CAG: So don't 8e such a 8asshole a8out it!!!!!!!!
PTA: no, ju2t...
PTA: kiill me now, plea2e.
CAG: You mean........
CAG: Krill me now????????
PTA: fuuuuuck yooooouuuuu.
CAG: Hahahahahahahaha.
PCC: W)(O CAR--ES ABOUT T)(IS. Get on wit)( t)(e story!!!
CAG: Okay, okay, fine.
CAG: So after Dualscar shows up, he's like, "Step away from the legislacer8or! We're totally teaming up against you!"
CAG: And Mindfang's just like, "Hahahahahahahaha, 8ullshit," 8ut while she's distracted, Redglare swings her cane up at her!
CAG: Mindfang catches it, 8ut then Redglare pulls some kind of ridiculous stunt and the cane ends up exploding in Mindfang's face!
CAC: :33 < an exploding cane?
CAC: :33 < where have i heard that one befur?
CGC: H3H3H3, 1LL 4DM1T, YOU G4V3 M3 TH3 1D34
CAG: I was wondering what that little comment a8out it 8eing a gift from a pouncellor met.
CGC: 1T 4LW4YS P4YS TO DO 4 L1TTL3 ROL3PL4Y1NG ON TH3 S1D3
CGC: K33PS YOUR TH1NK P4N ON 1TS F33T
CAG: Hahahahahahahaha, whatever.
CAG: So anyway, there's a whole 8ig kerfuffle, then there's a 8ig three-way standoff, 8ut Dualscar convinces Redglare that they should team up.
PCC: Wait, w)(y would s)(e agree to teem up wit)( )(im?
PCC: Isn't )(e just as muc)( of a criminal as Mindfang is?
CCA: thats not entirely true
CCA: wwhile technically speakin he did just as much killin an plunderin as the marquise none of it wwas illegal
CCA: dualscar wwas a privvateer meanin he plied his trade wwith the express consent a her imperious condescension herself
CCA: meanin any murderin an lootin he may havve indulged in wwas pardoned in the name a fulfillin his duties
CCA: wwhich isnt to say none of it wwas wwrong mind you just that it wwasnt strictly speakin a crime
CGC: 4ND WH1L3 R3DGL4R3 DO3S H4V3 ST4ND4RDS, SH3 COULD H4RDLY OBJ3CT TO H3LP1NG 4 L4W 4B1D1NG C1T1Z3N T4K3 DOWN 4 SCUMB4G L1K3 M1NDF4NG
CAG: Yeah, what they said.
PCC: Okay, okay, you can continue.
CAG: Alright, so the three of them fought, Mindfang holding off Redglare and Dualscar simultaneously, and they were pretty evenly matched.
CAG: That is, until Mindfang summoned up aaaaaaaall her luck and threw the Fluorite Octet in one final push!
CAG: And the dice came up........
CAG: Eight ones!!!!!!!!
PCC: 38O
PCC: W)(at are t)(e odds????????
CAG: Well, technically speaking, they're 1 in 16,777,216.
CAG: 8ut I just used my Light powers to m8ke it come up that way.
CGC: WH1CH 1S T3CHN1C4LLY CH34T1NG
CAG: Yeah, 8ut it's cheating to lose. Who cares a8out that????????
CGC: W3LL, 1 GU3SS 1T DO3SNT M4TT3R TH4T MUCH
CGC: UNL3SS YOU W3R3 B3TT1NG 4G41NST YOURS3LF OR SOM3TH1NG
CAG: Well, technically speaking, I was!
CAG: I can hardly think the night would've gone so well for you and Eridan if you'd 8een forced to t8ke a dip in the ocean while I stood on deck and laughed and laughed.
CCA: yknoww wwe still couldvve beaten you legit
CGC: Y34H, 1T W4S TWO 4G41NST ON3 4FT3R 4LL
CAG: Oh, whatever!!!!!!!! We are not even talking a8out this right now!!!!!!!!
CAG: Anyway, the Octet explodes in Mindfang's face, and she's pretty much out of the fight.
CAG: Dualscar a8sconds into the ca8in to fetch something, and while he's gone, Mindfang tries to convince Redglare that he's an untrustworthy murderous scum8ag.
CAG: 8ut then he pops 8ack out of the ca8in, 8ringing with him none other than the Dolorosa!
CAG: With nothing 8ut a knife and a tu8e of red lipstick, he manages to negoti8 Mindfang's surrender in exchange for the Dolorosa's release.
CAG: 8ut she stipul8es that Redglare carry out her trial then and there, and Dualscar demands the method of execution 8e walking the plank.
CAG: Redglare reluctantly agrees........ 8ut not 8efore engaging Mindfang in one last h8 snog!!!!!!!!
CAC: :33 < wait
CAC: :33 < you and terezi kissed????
CGC: LOOK
CGC: W3 W3R3 ROL3PL4Y1NG
CGC: 1TS WH4T MY CH4R4CT3R WOULD H4V3 DON3, OK4Y
CAG: You drew 8lood, Terezi.
CAG: You drew 8lood and I didn't.
CAG: And then you wiped it off your mouth with your fingers and licked them clean.
CGC: JUST WH4T 4R3 YOU SUGG3ST1NG H3R3!!!
CAG: Who said I was suggesting anything????????
CGC: OK4Y NO
CGC: W3 4R3 NOT 3V3N G3TT1NG 1NTO TH1S
PTA: hahahahaha oh my god.
CGC: BL4R SHUT UP!!!!!
CGC: JUST G3T ON W1TH TH3 STORY 4LR34DY!!!!
CAG: Okay, okay, Jegus!
CAG: Don't get a 8ulge over it or something.
CGC: 1M NOT G3TT1NG 4 BULG3 OVER 4NYTH1NG!!!!!!!
CAG: Well then shut up and let me finish the story already!!!!!!!!
CAG: Aaaaaaaanyway, not much else to tell after that.
CAG: Mindfang m8kes out most sloppily with the Dolorosa, gives Redglare and Dualscar her final regards, and she and the Dolorosa hop off the plank together, presuma8ly plunging to their deaths.
CAG: ........Or do they????????
CGC: TH3Y DO
CAG: No they don't!
CGC: Y3S TH3Y DO
CAG: No they totally don't!!!!!!!!
CAG: They get rescued 8y a certain winged, 8rown-8looded, and most importantly handsome revolutionary known only as The Summoner.
FAT: oH YES,
FAT: tHIS IS A PLOT TWIST i APPROVE OF MOST HEARTILY,
CAG: And then the three of them 8ecome dou8le-triangle-m8sprits and have all sorts of awesome sexy revolutionary adventures together!!!!!!!!
CGA: Um
CGA: Seriously
FAT: yEAH, i'M, uH,
FAT: nOT SURE IF i APPROVE OF THAT ONE AS MUCH,
CAG: Guys, I'm talking a8out our characters!!!!!!!!
CAG: 8esides, polyamory was totally a completely accepta8le thing way 8ack then 8ecause I said so.
CGC: UGH
CGC: WHY DO3S 3V3RYON3 H4V3 TO SURV1V3?
CAG: Why do they have to NOT survive????????
CGC: B3C4US3 1TD B3 MOR3 1NT3R3ST1NG 1F TH3Y D13D
CAG: Why? Why would that 8e more interesting?
CAG: Does it just automatically m8ke a story more interesting if you just kill off characters at random????????
CAG: Well, I say fuck that!!!!!!!! I'm sick of stories where everything is tragic and horri8le and every8ody just dies pointlessly!!!!!!!!
CAG: For fuck's s8ke, that's all life on Alternia ever was. Just one pointless tragedy after another.
CAG: Is it so much to ask for a story with a happy ending for once?
CAG: Is it so wrong to want a story where instead of the characters succum8ing to fear and anger and prejudice and h8tred, they manage to put aside their differences and do good for each other for a change?
CGC: W3LL
CGC: 1 GU3SS NOT
CGC: 1 JUST D1DNT R34L1Z3 YOU F3LT SO STRONGLY 4BOUT TH1S
CAG: Sorry, it's just........
CAG: All my life, I was trying to follow Mindfang's story.
CAG: Her story where she hurt and alien8ed everyone around her, and ended with her pointless death in what would have 8een her hour of triumph.
CAG: And I was well on my way to fulfilling it, too.
CAG: 8ut then I thought, you know what? FUCK her story!
CAG: Following her lead has 8rought me nothing 8ut misery.
CAG: And just minutes after I decided to try t8king another path, my life instantly 8ecame 88 times 8etter.
CAG: 8ut as much as emul8ing her has fucked things up for me, I can't really h8 her, you know?
CAG: She may have done some awful things, 8ut I don't think she was really a 8ad person.
CAG: Or at least not any more of a 8ad person than I am.
PTA: 2o a fuckiing horriible per2on?
CAG: Yes, Sollux, thank you.
CAG: Reeeeeeeeally appreci8 some8ody gra88ing that low-hanging fruit 8efore the leatherwings got to it.
CGA: Really Sollux If You Were Attempting A Black Solicitation You Probably Would Have Done Better To Emulate A Leatherwing Of The Blood Drinking Variety
CAG: Yeah, work some Nepeta shit in there!!!!!!!!
CAC: :33 < what??
CAG: Hahahahahahahaha, nothing.
PTA: for fuck'2 2ake, ii wa2n't attemptiing anythiing.
CAG: Oh, so you were just interrupting me for no reason whatsoever.
PTA: there wa2 a rea2on for iit.
PTA: and the rea2on ii2 that you're a completely awful per2on and ii utterly de2pii2e you.
PTA: platoniically.
CAG: Gr8, thanks for the upd8.
CAG: Can I fucking continue now????????
PTA: fiine, whatever, go ahead.
CAG: Anyway, like I was saying 8efore I was so RUDELY INTERRUPTED, I don't think Mindfang's really any worse than I am.
CAG: And apparently SOME8ODY thought I deserved a shot at redemption, so shouldn't she deserve one too?
CGC: Y34H, 1 GU3SS
CAG: 8ut let's 8e honest here, ALL of our ancestors screwed up pretty 8adly one way or another.
CAG: I mean, Redglare let her dedic8ion to the law get the 8est of her, and ended up 8eing killed 8y the very people she was trying to protect.
CAG: Frankly, I think she deserves 8etter than that, and I'm pretty sure you do too.
CGC: W3LL, Y34H, OBV1OUSLY
CAG: So if last night had gone differently, and ended up with Mindfang punting Redglare and Dualscar into the sea and sailing into the sunset, would it 8e "more interesting" if they were just dead and that's it?
CGC: OF COURS3 NOT
CGC: BUT H1STOR1C4LLY SP34K1NG, TH4TS B4S1C4LLY WH4T H4PP3N3D 4NYW4Y
CAG: Yes, yes, I know that!!!!!!!!
CAG: I'm not trying to defend the historical account at all here!
CAG: I'm just saying that killing off characters doesn't automatically m8ke a story more interesting.
CAG: Honestly, I think the story is even MORE interesting if Mindfang survives, and I'm not just saying that 8ecause she's me!
CAG: It sets up this whole arc with two different re8ellions with the same end goals, 8ut conflicted 8ecause of their differing ideals.
CAG: You've got Mindfang and the Dolorosa joining the Summoner's revolt, violently uprising against the high8lood hegemony........
CAG: And then you've got Redglare and her allies working to change the system from within, fighting the Condesce's tyranny with trickery and su8terfuge rather than 8rute force.
CAG: And then........ what's Dualscar doing again?
CCA: oh he ended up joinin wwith redglares thing
CCA: sort of a natural consequence of the nights other evvents
CCA: wwink wwink
CAG: Hahahahahahahaha, gotcha.
CAG: So you've got these two separate groups, 8oth fighting for the same thing, 8ut driven into conflict 8ecause they disagree on the means 8y which to achieve it.
CAG: 8ut their quarreling with each other simply m8kes the Empress' grip on the land stronger, and they'll eventually have to put their differences aside if they want a real chance at freedom.
CAG: This is fascin8ing, tell me how the fuck this isn't fascin8ing.
CGC: OK4Y
CGC: WH3N YOU PUT 1T TH4T W4Y
CGC: TH3 WHOL3 TH1NG DO3S SOUND K1ND OF 1NCR3D1BLY B4D4SS
CAG: Yes, exactly!!!!!!!! 8adass is definitely the oper8ive word here.
CAG: We are t8king the lame stupid story of our ancestors killing each other like a 8unch of chumps........
CAG: ........And turning it into the incredi8ly 8adass story where they stop 8eing idi8s and team up to just COMPLETELY OWN THE SHIT out of an otherwise unstoppa8ly powerful malevolent oppressor with the power of friendship!!!!!!!!
CAG: And shenanigans. Lots and lots of shenanigans.
CAC: :33 < huh, that actually sounds awesome!
CAG: Don't you mean........
CAG: Pawesome????????
CGC: >8O
CGC: H4NG ON
CAG: What?
CGC: VR1SK4 4LCH3M1Z3 TH1S
CGC: MewXXXX3
CAG: Um........ okay????????
CAG: Okay, this is........
CAG: A cat collar with a little 8ell on it.
CGC: TH3 4LT3RN4T1V3 W4S 4 NOOS3
CGC: BUT 1V3 S1NC3 D3C1D3D 4 MOR3 L3N13NT PUN1SHM3NT M1GHT B3 1N ORD3R
CAG: Punishment for wh........
CAG: Oh fuuuuuuuuck, I just remem8ered something incredi8ly stupid I said five days ago!!!!!!!!
CGC: PUT 1T ON
CGC: >8]
CAG: Okay, fine, you caught me! Fair and square!
CAG: 8usted in the act of using an idiotic cat pun!!!!!!!!
CAG: Fuck, this thing is tight.
CGC: W3 BOTH KNOW YOU L1K3 1T TH4T W4Y
CAG: Hahahahahahaha, yeah, I guess.
CGC: JUST B3 GL4D 1 M4D3 1T 4 N1C3 COLOR
CAG: I'll admit, the fact that it's 8right red m8kes it a liiiiiiiittle more tolera8le.
CGA: Oh No
CGA: Terezi Are You Forcing My Matesprit To Parade Around In An Awful Garish Bright Red Collar
CAG: Kanaya, stop h8ing on our collective favorite color!!!!!!!!
CAG: Anyway, as dum8 as this is, it's not that 8ad.
CAG: And I certainly don't think it's that much of a stretch that Mindfang would m8ke her slaves wear adora8le little collars.
CGA: Oh My
CGA: I Hadnt Thought About It That Way
CGA: Well I Suppose In That Light I Could Learn To Appreciate It A Little Better
PCC: But wait, I t)(oug)(t Kanaya's c)(aracter was t)(e slave.
CGA: Were Not Talking About Flarping
PCC: Then w)(at are you...
PCC: 38I
CGA: If I Used Emoticons I Would Type A Winking Face Right Now
CAG: Don't worry, Kanaya, I've got you covered.
CAG: :::;)
CGA: Yes Thank You Vriska
PCC: GLUUUUUUUUUUUUUB. >38U
PCC: ANYWAY!!! I )(ave to say, Vriska, t)(is story you're glubbing aboat DO--ES sound INCR--EDIBLY BADASS!!
PCC: --Even if it's presumably my ancestor w)(o's getting t)(e s)(it completely owned out of )(er.
PCC: It mig)(t actually be wort)( writing a proper story aboat!
PTA: what.
PTA: liike... a fanfiictiion or 2omethiing?
PCC: NO NOT LIK--E A FANFICTION!!
PCC: It's called )(ISTORICAL FICTION, and it's a P--ERF--ECTLY R---ESP---ECTABL---E G----ENR----E!!!!!
CAC: :33 < fefurry, you didnt tell me you wrote rpf!
CAC: :33 < you should send me some! id love to read it!
PCC: I'm sorry, but my fiction is PRIVAT-----E, okay???
PTA: oh god.
PTA: ff, are you wriitiing erotiic 2toriie2 about dead people?
PCC: >38O
PCC: SOLLUX, S)(UT UP!!!!!!
PCC: OF COURS--------E T)(AT'S NOT A T)(ING I'M DOING!!!!!!!!
CAG: Hahahahahahahaha, oh my god.
PCC: Okay, we are NOT TALKING ABOUT T)(IS ANYMOR-------E!!!!!!!!!!
PCC: I am C)(ANGING T)(------E SUBJ--------ECT!!!!!!!
PCC: You still )(aven't gotten to t)(e part w)(ere --Eridan and Terezi )(ook up!!!!
CAG: Well, like I said 8efore, I got a little distracted after that point.
CGA: By All The Making Out We Were Doing
PCC: Yes, Kanaya, you keep bringing t)(at up!
CGA: What Is That A Problem
CGA: Does It Bother You That Were Making Out On A Regular Basis
PCC: W)(at??? No, off-course knot!!!
FCC: Seariously, w)(y would t)(at bot)(er me???
CGA: I Dont Know You Tell Me
CAG: Okay, Kanaya.
CAG: What are you doing.
CGA: Um
CGA: Im Not Really Sure
CGA: Ill Just Stop Talking Now
FCC: Yes, t)(ank you.
FCC: So, Terezi! --Eridan!
FCC: Since you W--ER--EN'T being distracted by aquatic sloppy makeouts, w)(at )(appened after t)(at?
CGC: W3LL, NOT 4LL TH4T MUCH
CGC: R3DGL4R3 D3CL4R3D M1NDF4NG D34D 4ND SWOR3 TO CONT1NU3 H3R S3RV1C3 TO TH3 L3G1SL4C3R4TORS
CGC: THOUGH, 4S VR1SK4 4LLUD3D TO B3FOR3, SH3 W4S D1SS4T1SF13D W1TH TH3 CURR3NT R3G1M3 4ND HOP3D TO CH4NG3 TH1NGS FROM W1TH1N
CGC: 4PP4R3NTLY R3DGL4R3 W4S P4RT OF SOM3 UND3RGROUND MOV3M3NT TO OV3RTHROW TH3 H3MOSP3CTRUM, SO 1 THR3W TH4T 1N TH3R3
FCC: O)( yea)(, s)(e was a sympat)(izer to the Sufferer's plig)(t, wasn't s)(e?
CGC: UM
CGC: HOW DO YOU KNOW 4BOUT TH4T
FCC: I know a t)(ing or two aboat )(istory, okay?
FCC: Anyway, I can't suspect Dualscar was very krilled to )(ear t)(at!
CCA: actually he didnt take it that badly
CCA: his wworkin relationship wwith the condesce had recently come to a close
CCA: for reasons id rather leavve up to speculation the emissary apparently no longer required feedin
CCA: so needless to say he wwas feelin a little disillusioned wwith the imperial leadership himself
CCA: in more wways than one if you catch my meanin
FCC: Yea)(, I t)(ink so. 38/
CCA: anywway since his life as a privvateer has come to an end he decides hell throww his lot in wwith redglare
FCC: Reely? Just like t)(at?
CCA: wwell
CCA: theres a little more to it than that
CCA: the wway i figure it dualscars alwways been a man to followw his heart
CCA: i think his loyalty to the empire wwas only evver really a result a his feelins for the condesce herself
CCA: so wwhen she betrayed his feelins the wway she did he had to find somebody else to put his faith in
CCA: and
CCA: wwell
CCA: he found that person in redglare
PTA: waiit.
PTA: are you telliing me...
PTA: you guy2 became mate2priit2 iin-character??
CGC: NO!!!
CGC: 1 M34N Y3S OUR CH4R4CT3RS B3C4M3 M4T3SPR1TS
CGC: BUT 1T W4S 4 COMPL3T3LY S3P3R4T3 3V3NT!
PTA: eheheh, wow, you guy2 are 2uch unbeliievable dork2.
CGC: BL4R SHUT UP!!!! >8O
FCC: Yea)(, w)(y don't you clam it, Sollux!
FCC: I )(appen to t)(ink it sounds reely SW--E--ET!
PTA: more liike reely lame.
CAG: You know, Sollux, you're hardly in any position to go around calling other people dorks.
PTA: ugh, whatever.
PTA: however biig of a dork ii miight be, at lea2t ii'm not tryiing two 2educe people wiith a roleplayiing game.
PTA: wa2 that your biig amaziing plan two make tz flu2hed for you, ed?
PTA: make your iimagiinary roleplayiing per2onas become iimagiinary flu2hed for each other and hope 2he follow2 2uiit?
CCA: oh for fucks sake no
CCA: speakin the plain truth all my talk of a big amazin plan to swweep tz off her feet wwas mostly bluster
CCA: honestly im not stupid enough to think theres some magic formula you can followw to force anybody to be flushed for you
CCA: much less somebody ridiculously scary smart like tz
CCA: really the wwhole big roleplayin ruse wwas orchestrated just for the purposes of openin a dialogue
PTA: a diialogue.
CCA: yeah yknoww
CCA: an opportunity to openly discuss an idea like twwo normal fuckin trolls instead a tryin to psychically broadcast our thoughts at one another like twwo shitty heart heard wwizards locked in an epic struggle a romantic wwills
CCA: i realize the idea of actually talkin to people bout things like this is completely foreign to you so maybe i should send you a trollipedia link
CGC: H3H3H3H3H3
PTA: ugh, fuck you two.
CGC: W4S TH4T SUPPOS3D TO B3 "FUCK YOU TOO" OR JUST "FUCK YOU TWO"
PTA: actually, you know what?
PTA: iit'2 both.
CGC: >8P
CGC: WH4T3V3R, YOUR3 JUST J34LOUS
PTA: oh yeah, THAT'2 iit. you totally naiiled iit.
PTA: ii'm 2o totally jealou2 that II'M not the one who got 2educed by a douchey 2eadweller pretendiing two be an anciient dead guy.
CCA: oh come ON sol givve me a fuckin break here
CCA: its not like i got her to agree to this just cause i swwept her character off her feet
CGC: Y34H
CGC: THOUGH TH4T W4S C3RT41NLY P4RT OF 1T
PTA: what.
CGC: W3LL, 1LL 4DM1T
CGC: WH3N W3 W3R3 ROL3PL4Y1NG, W3 SORT OF H4D
CGC: 4 MOM3NT
CCA: wwell
CCA: maybe i guess
CGC: 3R1D4N
CGC: YOU TOUCH3D MY HORN
CGC: 1 M34N, YOU JUST R34CH3D R1GHT UP TH3R3 4ND G4V3 1T 4 GOOD RUBB1N
FCC: 38O
CCA: yeah wwell you couldvve stopped me
CGC: TH4TS R1GHT 1 COULD H4V3
CGC: BUT 1 D1DNT
CGC: B3C4US3 W3 W3R3 H4V1NG 4 MOM3NT
FAT: yEAH, jUST SEEING IT FROM A THIRD-PERSON PERSPECTIVE,
FAT: a MOMENT IS DEFINITELY THE THING YOU WERE HAVING,
CCA: alright fine
CCA: so i wwas pretendin to be a dead guy an she wwas pretendin to be a dead lady an wwe had a moment
CCA: an if that makes me a dork then fuck it i dont care
CCA: in fact if that makes me a dork then i need to be a dork more often cause apparently ter gets off on that kinda thing
CCA: so yknoww wwhat from this day forth i am eridan ampora no longer
CCA: from noww on im OPRHANER DUALSCAR MIGHTY WWIZARD OF ANCIENT ALTERNIA
CCA: come rollin outta your magic wwardrobe wwith a scuttlebuggy fulla fly fairy bitches tippin forties a magic potion on the curb
CCA: then a couple a guys wwho are up no good start makin trouble in ters neighborhood
CCA: but i just put on my robe an wwizard hat and tell em
CCA: maybe you twwo should just
CCA: HOP ALONG
CCA: then i pull out my wwands all akimbo an turn em into frogs before they evven fuckin kneww what hit em
CCA: then i throww on a pair of awwesome wwizard shades an say
CCA: looks like those guys just
CCA: CROAKED
CGC: H4H4H4H4 Y3SSSSS
CGC: <3
FCC: )(--E )(--E )(--E!!
FCC: W)(ale, it sounds like everyt)(ing went SWIMMINGLY!
FCC: So w)(at are you two up to now?
CAG: Yeah, just what have you two 8een doing since the game ended?
CAG: Have you filled aaaaaaaall the pails yet????????
CGC: >8O
CGC: VR1SK4!!!!!!
CGC: 1LL ST4ND FOR NO MOR3 OF YOUR L4SC1V1OUS 1NS1NU4T1ONS!!!
CCA: seariously vvris this is NOT howw you ask this question
CCA: its a little thing called fuckin ETIQUETTE look it up
CAG: Oh, whatever, it's not that 8ig a deal!!!!!!!!
CGC: Y3S 1T K1ND OF 1S!!!
CGC: NOT 4LL OF US 4R3 W31RD CR4ZY P3RV3RTS L1K3 YOU 4ND K4N4Y4
CGA: Um Excuse Me
CGC: OH DONT 3V3N 4CT 4LL 1NNOC3NT K4N4Y4
CGC: 1 KNOW FROM L4ST N1GHT YOUR3 JUST 4S B4D 4S SH3 1S
CAG: Not exactly.
CAG: She's even worse, hahahahahahahaha.
CGA: Vriska Please
CAG: Kanaya, I never said it was a 8ad thing.
CGA: Yes I Know You Didnt
CGA: I Just Dont Really Understand The Necessity For Discussing This On A Public Memo
FCC: R--E--ELY?
FCC: Aren't YOU t)(e one w)(o keeps bringing up just )(ow muc)( you two make out all t)(e time??
CGA: Well Yes
CGA: But Thats Different
FCC: And just )(OW is t)(at any different???
CGA: Um
CGA: Its Different Because
CGA: Because Shut Up
CGA: Shut Up Is How
FCC: >38/
PTA: eheh.
PTA: ky, what the hell.
CGA: Sorry
CGC: Y3S Y3S 4NYW4Y!!
CGC: R1GHT NOW 3R1D4N 4ND 1 4R3 H4NG1NG OUT 4T MY H1V3
CGC: 4ND BY H4NG1NG OUT
CGC: 1 M34N H4NG1NG OUT
CGC: JUST TH3 NORM4L W4Y
CAG: What????????
CAG: Laaaaaaaame.
CCA: its not lame shut up
CCA: it just so happens at this stage in our relationship wwed just like to get to knoww each other a little better
CCA: in the most literal non euphemistic possible sense i feel the need to reiterate
CCA: so right noww if ter just wwants to hang out at her hivve an talk about stupid shit then im perfectly content to do just that
CGC: WH1CH 1SNT TO S4Y TH4TS 4LL W3R3 DO1NG
CCA: wwell yeah butttttrrrfgdfsg
CCA: fuccvvkcvvl
PTA: what.
CGC: TH4TS FOR TOUCH1NG MY HORN L4ST N1GHT
CGC: >8]
CCA: ter do you reallykkftlj
CCA: havve to do this wwhillkjlm
FCC: )(a)(a)(a)(a)(a!!!
FCC: )(ey Terezi!
CGC: WH4T
FCC: On t)(e inside of t)(e curves w)(ere they bend.
FCC: T)(at's )(is weak spot!
CGC: OOOH, L3T M3 TRY 1T OUT
CCA: dammit fef thats privvilegdfghjkklhglkjnbbbn
CCA: fgjhbnkmJHFGLKJLKMJKLKK
CGC: H3H3H3H3 WOW
CGC: TH4NKS FOR TH3 T1P F3F3R1
FCC: No problem!! 38D
CGC: 1 JUST M1GHT H4V3 TO T4LK TO YOU MOR3 1N TH3 FUTUR3
CGC: S33 1F YOU H4V3 4NY OTH3R US3FUL 1NFORM4T1ON
FCC: W)(ale, I'm not just going to spill ALL )(is seacrets!
FCC: Just t)(e ones I t)(ink you'll find... US----EFUL.
FCC: 3P)
CGC: ...
CGC: WH4T 1S TH4T
FCC: W)(at?
CGC: "3P)"
FCC: W)(ale, it's SUPPOS--ED to be a winking goggles emoticon.
FCC: But instead it just looks R--E--ELY STUPID.
CGC: Y34H
CGC: 1TS 34S1LY TH3 S3COND STUP1D3ST 3MOT1CON 1V3 3V3R S33N
FCC: Just t)(e second?
FCC: T)(en w)(at's t)(e first???
CGC: 3R
CGC: M4YB3 1T 1S TH3 F1RST
CGC: 1 DONT KNOW, WH4T3V3R
CCA: fef wwhy wwould you tell her that on a public fuckin memo
CCA: noww evvery grublicker from here to the furthest fuckin ring is gonna try to get a shot at my fuckin horns
PTA: eheheh, don't flatter your2elf, dude.
CCA: ugh sol really wwhats wwith the constant putdowwns
CCA: i already told you im not interested anymore
CCA: i realize youre desperately tryin to fill your black quadrant wwith anybody but vvris cause youre so deeply in denial about bein black for her but just leavve me out of it ok
PTA: ed, what the FUCK?
CAG: Hahahahahahahaha.
PTA: no, 2hut the fuck up, thii2 ii2n't funny.
PTA: ii'm not fuckiing black for you, okay??
CAG: Oh, okay, so you're just constantly insulting me without provoc8ion 8ecause you h8 me "platonically."
PTA: vk, you ruiined my fuckiing liife.
PTA: you maniipulated me iintwo kiilliing the per2on who meant more two me than anythiing in the fuckiing world, and you made me thiink iit wa2 my fault.
PTA: ju2t what fuckiing part of that make2 you thiink my hate for you ii2 anythiing more than platoniic???
CAG: Well what the f8ck do you want me t8 do a8out it???????? 8ring h8r 8ack to l8fe????????
CAG: 8elieve me, if I kn8w a way to do it, I fucking w8uld!!!!!!!!
PTA: ii don't want your fuckiing help, vk!
PTA: even iif you diid briing her back two liife, ii'd rather fuckiing kiil my2elf than face the iindiigniity of owiing 2omethiing two you!
CAG: So then wh8t???????? Do y8u want to k8ll me????????
CAG: Then c8me and fucking g8t it!!!!!!!!
CAG: I w8n't even fight 8ack! I'll just thr8w my head on the f8cking chopping 8lock and you can decapit8 me for all I f8cking care!!!!!!!!
CAG: 8oom! Just death, sl8 clean, out of your f8cking life f8rever!!!!!!!!
PTA: ii don't want two kiill you, vk!
PTA: beliieve iit or not, there are other way2 to 2olve problem2 than fuckiing murderiing them!
CAG: Then wh8t the f8ck do you w8nt from m8????????
PTA: all ii want ii2 for you two leave me the fuck alone!
PTA: get out of my liife, get out of ff'2 liife, and ju2t fuck off forever!
CAG: No, f8ck that!!!!!!!! You c8n't just fucking ign8re me!!!!!!!!
CAG: You can h8 me all you w8nt for trying to actu8lly do someth8ng a8out my pro8lems, 8ut at le8st I'm not just pret8nding they don't ex8st!!!!!!!!
CAG: As m8ch as you may w8nt me to just go aw8y, I'm here for the f8cking long haul!!!!!!!!
CAG: You can't just wr8te me out of your l8fe like you're try8ng to do with Ar8dia!!!!!!!!
PTA: vrii2ka, 2HUT THE FUCK UP!!
PTA: you don't have ANY FUCKIING RIIGHT to talk two me about her!!
CAC: XOO < OKAY JUST STOP IT!!!!!!
CAC: XOO < JUST SHUT UP OR IM BANNING YOU BOTH!!!!
PTA: no, fuck thii2, ii'm done.
PTA: ii wa2 only here two talk two tz anyway.
PTA: 2o tz and ed good luck, vk fuck off, ii'm out.
PTA banned himself from responding to memo.
CAG: ........8luh.
CAG: Sorry, I kind of spazzed out there.
CGC: >8/
FCC: Yea)(, I s)(ould... PROBABLY go talk to )(im.
FCC: But anyway, --Eridan! Terezi! I'm R--E--ELY )(appy for you guys!
FCC: And I R--E--ELY )(ope everyt)(ing works out SWIMMINGLY for you!
CCA: yeah thanks ter
CGC: 4ND 1F YOU 3V3R H4V3 4NY MOR3 S3CR3TS FOR M3, L3T M3 KNOW
CGC: >8]
FCC: )(e)(e)(e, of course!
FCC: Anyway, glub at you later!
FCC ceased responding to memo.
CAC: :33 < hmmm
CAC: :33 < so whats left to talk about?
CAG: Hey, you know what hasn't happened yet????????
CAC: :33 < what?
CAG: These two haven't 8een given The Talk yet!!!!!!!!
CCA: oh shit thats right
CCA: wwhere is gam anywway he should havve responded by noww
FAT: oH, uH, hE'S STILL ASLEEP, i GUESS
FAT: hANG ON, lET ME WAKE HIM UP,
FUTURE terminallyCapricious [FTC] 29 MINUTES FROM NOW responded to memo.
FTC: Awwwww shit, look at me all almost up and missin my motherfuckin chance to respond from this memo.
FAT: oH, oKAY, yEAH,
FAT: i GUESS USING tROLLIAN'S INHERENT TIME FUCKERY TO BYPASS THE USUAL 14-MINUTE WAKING-UP ROUTINE WOULD BE A PRETTY GOOD IDEA,
FTC: Yeah, I all thought the same motherfuckin thing when you brought the idea down thirteen minutes ago.
FTC: So hey, my palebro's plan to up and get him a motherfuckin matesprit was a resounding success!
FTC: Hang on, let this shit all resound.
FTC: (Now, pretend this shit is all comin from the biggest motherfuckin bike horn you've ever seen.)
FTC: (Or, fuck, smelled I guess, sorry.)
FTC: HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONK.
FTC: Did it work?
FTC: Is that honk all motherfuckin resoundin up in your shit and bein all motherfuckin rowdy in general?
CGC: H3H3H3H3, Y3S G4MZ33
CGC: YOUR C3L3BR4TORY HONK H4S R3V3RB3R4T3D 4LL TH3 W4Y TO US THROUGH P4R4DOX SP4C3
CGC: 4ND 1S M4K1NG 4N UTT3R NU1S4NC3 OF 1TS3LF 1N MY H1V3 4S W3 SP34K
CGC: 3V3N THOUGH TH4T SHOULD B3 1MPOSS1BL3, B3C4US3 SOUND C4NT TR4V3L THROUGH 4 V4CUUM
FTC: Hahahaha, fuck yeah, sis!
FTC: The rude noise all up and made its way all over your place even in spite of all that science shit you're talkin around!
FTC: Even if some bullshit scientist says it's all motherfuckin impossible, that shit happened anyway, cause it's a motherfuckin miracle.
CGC: W3LL TH4NK YOU G4MZ33
CGC: YOUR M1RTH 1S GR34TLY 4PPR3C14T3D
CCA: yeah thanks gam
FTC: So now I guess it's time for me to throw up some vaguely motherfuckin threatening words of gratitude in the general direction of my serversis here?
CCA: wwell wwait hold on
CCA: thinkin about it it isnt really fair cause ter doesnt havve a moirail herself
CGC: W3LL
CGC: COULD 1 P1CK SOM3BODY 3LS3 TO G1V3 TH3 T4LK FOR M3?
CCA: hmmmm
CCA: sounds fair to me i guess
CCA: vvris does that sound fair to you
CAG: Sure it does!!!!!!!!
CAG: I'd h8 for you guys to have to put this off until l8er anyway.
CCA: ok so wwhos it gonna be
CGC: HMM
CGC: T3LL YOU WH4T
CGC: L3T G4MZ33 G1V3 M3 TH3 T4LK
CGC: 4ND TH3N ONC3 H3S DON3, 1LL S4Y
CCA: wwell howw can you be sure wwhoevver youre thinkin of is gonna be wwillin to givve me the talk
CGC: 1M SUR3 SH3LL B3 OK W1TH 1T
CGC: SH3S OK W1TH 4 LOT OF TH1NGS
CAG: ::::?
CCA: wwell if you insist
CCA: gam youre up
FTC: Alright, shit, let me think of where to start on here.
FTC: Terezi, I'm real motherfuckin glad you all decided to become my palebro's motherfuckin matesprit, and I'm sure you two will up and make each other all hells of happy together.
FTC: But if you ever do any wrong to this bro, I'll motherfuckin know.
FTC: and i will extract my motherfuckin vengeance out of you a thousand motherfuckin fold.
FTC: I WILL DRIP THE MOTHERFUCKING BLOOD FROM YOUR MOTHERFUCKING BODY UNTIL YOU MOTHERFUCKING BLACK OUT FROM THE LACK OF MOTHERFUCKING OXYGEN GETTING IN YOUR MOTHERFUCKING THINK PAN.
FTC: and then, once you wake up.
FTC: I WILL MOTHERFUCKING FORCE YOU TO PAINT A THOUSAND MOTHERFUCKING WORDS OF APOLOGY ON HIS MOTHERFUCKING WALLS WITH YOUR OWN MOTHERFUCKING BLOOD.
FTC: are we motherfuckin clear on that.
FTC: MOTHERFUCKER.
CGC: UH
CGC: Y34H
CGC: 4BSOLUT3LY CL34R
CGC: NOT GO1NG TO HURT 3R1D4N
CGC: 3V3R
FTC: Okay, cool.
CCA: gam
CCA: i think you may havve gone a little ovverboard
FTC: Aw shit, sorry, bro.
FTC: Wasn't all tryin to motherfuckin scare her off.
CGC: NO 1T W4S F1N3!
CGC: B31NG SC4RY 1S K1ND OF TH3 PO1NT
CGC: 1TS R34LLY GOOD 4CTU4LLY
CGC: NOW 1 KNOW YOU C4N COMP3T3 W1TH MY CHO1C3
CCA: ok so wwho is it
CGC: H3Y 4R4D14!
CAG: ::::O
CURRENT apocalypseArisen [CAA] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.
CAA: what
CGC: WOULD YOU B3 W1LL1NG TO G1V3 3R1D4N TH3 T4LK
CAA: 0k
CAA: whats the talk
CGC: 1TS WH3R3 YOU CONGR4TUL4T3 H1M ON B3COM1NG M4T3SPR1TS W1TH M3
CGC: W1SH H1M TH3 B3ST OF LUCK
CGC: 4ND TH3N THR34T3N GR13VOUS BOD1LY H4RM UPON H1M 1F H3 3V3R DO3S 4NYTH1NG TO HURT M3
CAA: and y0u want me t0 d0 that
CAA: f0r y0u
CGC: Y3S!
CGC: 1F 1TS NOT TOO MUCH TO 4SK
CAA: n0t really
CAA: 0k
CAA: s0
CAA: eridan
CAA: c0ngratulati0ns 0n bec0ming matesprits with terezi
CAA: if y0u tw0 are really happy with each 0ther thats c00l i guess
CAA: it d0esnt really affect me 0ne way 0r the 0ther s0
CAA: g00d luck with that
CCA: yeah thanks
CAA: but right n0w shes helping me with s0me stuff
CAA: s0 i guess her well being in general s0rt 0f c0ncerns me
CAA: s0 if y0u ever d0 anything t0 seri0usly mess with her ill
CAA: ill hunt y0u d0wn and beat y0u t0 death
CAA: 0r at least nearly t0 death
CGC: >8/
CAA: is that n0t g00d en0ugh
CGC: ITS
CGC: OK4Y
CGC: 1 JUST W1SH 1T W3R3 4 L1TTL3 MOR3 CR34T1V3
CAA: 0k h0ld 0n
CAA: i have a better idea
CAA: eridan i w0nt beat y0u t0 death
CAA: but ill h0p ar0und t0 a bunch 0f 0ther timelines and beat y0u t0 death in th0se
CAA: then ill c0me back here and bury y0u in a pile 0f y0ur 0wn c0rpses
CAA: and i w0nt let y0u 0ut until y0u swear t0 set right the things y0u have d0ne wr0ng t0 terezi
CAA: h0ws that
CGC: MUCH B3TT3R! >8D
CAA: 0k s0
CAA: eridan y0ur th0ughts
CCA: i uh
CCA: ok sure ar
CCA: i wwont do any wwrong by ter i swwear
CCA: wwouldnt really look forwward to wwrithin around in a pile a my dead selvves anywway that sounds creepy as fuck
CAA: y0u get used t0 it after a while
CCA: uh
CAA: s0 anyway
CAA: is that all y0u needed me f0r terezi
CGC: PR3TTY MUCH
CGC: SORRY TO W4ST3 YOUR T1M3 W1TH TH1S S1LL1N3SS
CAA: its 0k
CAA: anyway i guess ill get g0ing
CAG: Aradia, w8.
CAA: what
CAG: I just wanted to say........
CAG: I'm sorry for killing you.
CAA: its 0k
CAG: You can't possi8ly mean that!!!!!!!!
CAA: vriska y0ure ap0l0gizing t0 the wr0ng pers0n
CAG: What?
CAG: Are you honestly trying to say you're not mad at me????????
CAA: n0 i am mad at y0u
CAA: just n0t f0r killing me
CAG: Well, then, for what????????
CAA: if y0u d0nt kn0w what y0ure ap0l0gizing f0r
CAA: then its n0t a very g00d ap0l0gy
CAG: ::::/
CAA: y0ure a smart girl
CAA: y0ull figure it 0ut
CAA: anyway im leaving n0w
CGC: T4LK TO YOU L4T3R, 4R4D14?
CAA: 0f c0urse
CAA: anyway bye
CAA ceased responding to memo.
CAG: Well........
CAG: That was weird.
CGC: 1TS NOT TH4T W31RD
CCA: sorry ter im gonna havve to agree
CCA: it wwas pretty fuckin wweird
CGC: 1T W4SNT 3V3N!!! >8O
CAC: :33 < guys, theres nothing weird about it!
CGC: Y34H, S33?
CGC: N3P3T4 S4YS 1TS NOT W31RD, SO 1TS NOT W31RD
CCA: yeah neps wword means precisely fuck all to me
CAC: :33 < well fuck you too!!
CCA: ill admit ar wwas a good choice but still its fuckin wweird
CGC: MOR3 L1K3 *YOUR3* W31RD!
CCA: my bein wweird has nothin to do wwith it
CGC: 1T H4S 3V3RYTH1NG TO DO W1TH 1T!!!
CGC: 1F YOUR3 W31RD TH3N YOU C4LL1NG 4NYTH1NG W31RD M4K3S YOU 4 TOT4L HYPOCR1T3
CCA: no as a wweird person im uniquely qualified to recognize wwhen somethin is fuckin wweird
CCA: like my wweirddar is so sensitivve its been used to swweep the ocean floor a lomat for sunken treasure
CCA: turns out
CCA: theres no treasure dowwn there at all
CCA: just a bunch of fuckin wweird shit
CCA: truth
CGC: H3H3H3 OK4Y F1N3
CGC: YOUR FL4WL3SS 4RGUM3NT H4S R3ND3R3D MY OBJ3CT1ONS MOOT
CGC: WH4T JUST H4PP3N3D W4S W31RD, 4ND TH4T 1S TH4T
CGC: 3ND OF D1SCUSS1ON
CCA: i kneww youd sea things my wway ter
CGC: 1F YOU KN3W TH4T
CGC: TH3N YOU 4R3 B4D 4T KNOW1NG TH1NGS
CGC: B3C4US3 1 C4NT S33 4NYTH1NG
CGC: B3C4US3 1M BL1ND
CGC: DUMB4SS
CCA: haha fuck
CCA: i actually completely forgot about our deal
CGC: W3LL OF COURS3
CGC: WHY WOULD 1 3V3N M4K3 1T 1F 1 D1DNT KNOW YOU WOULD CONST4NTLY FORG3T 4BOUT 1T 4ND 1 COULD R3M1ND YOU 1N TH3 MOST H1L4R1OUS POSS1BL3 W4Y??
CCA: in hindsight its a pretty blatant ploy
CCA: but you forgot one little thing
CGC: 4ND WH4TS TH4T?
CCA: i find your reminders EQUALLY HILARIOUS IF NOT MORE SO
CCA: CHECK AND MATE
CGC: FUUUUCK, YOU TOT4LLY GOT M3
CGC: <3
CCA: haha okay
CCA: <3
CURRENT carcinoGeneticist [CCG] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.
CCG: OKAY, I AM LITERALLY INCAPABLE OF TAKING THIS SHIT ANYMORE.
CCG: THIS ENDLESS CAVALCADE OF HOOFBEAST DROPPINGS HAS TO FUCKING STOP RIGHT HERE AND RIGHT NOW.
CCG: IF I SEE ANY MORE OF YOU TWO ENGAGING IN THIS IRREMISSIBLE TRAVESTY YOU CALL FLIRTING, I SWEAR TO EVERY FUCKING DEITY EXTANT OR OTHERWISE I WILL MURDER EVERY LIVING BEING IN THIS ENTIRE GODFORSAKEN UNIVERSE.
CCG: THEN I WILL LET OUT A SINGLE, DEAFENINGLY TERRIBLE EXPLETIVE, REVERBERATING THROUGHOUT PARADOX SPACE SO LOUDLY THAT THE INCIPISPHERE WILL RIP ITSELF APART, CONSUMED IN THE UNDYING RAGE THAT IS EXACTLY HOW PISSED OFF I AM RIGHT NOW.
CCG: HERE, LET ME GIVE YOU A LITTLE PREVIEW:
CCG: FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK.
CCA: uh
CCA: kar
CCG: HEY TRAITOR.
CCG: REALLY GLAD YOUR LITTLE PLAN WORKED OUT FOR YOU.
CCG: JUST WANTED TO ASK A QUICK QUESTION.
CCG: HOW DO YOU SLEEP EVERY DAY?
CCG: HOW CAN YOU EVEN JUSTIFY GETTING OUT OF YOUR RECUPERACOON IN THE EVENING, KNOWING THAT ANYTHING YOU DO THAT NIGHT IS JUST GOING TO MAKE THE WORLD AN OBJECTIVELY MORE TERRIBLE PLACE?
CCG: HOW CAN YOU EVEN *PRESUME* TO FUCKING SPEAK TO ME AFTER YOU STOLE TEREZI FROM ME, YOU INCONCEIVABLY VILE SACK OF SHIT?????
CCA: kar im
CCA: im sorry
CCA: i mean i thought you might be flushed for her but i didnt realize youd take it this badly
CCG: SO YOU KNEW?
CCG: YOU FUCKING *KNEW* I WAS FLUSHED FOR HER AND YOU WENT AHEAD WITH YOUR LITTLE PLAN ANYWAY?????
CCG: HOLY FUCK, MY THINK PAN JUST BOGGLES AT WHAT AN INCOMPREHENSIBLY HORRIBLE PERSON YOU ARE!
CGC: H3Y
CGC: H3Y K4RKL3S
CCG: WHAT?
CGC: OH NOTH1NG
CGC: 1 W4S JUST K1ND OF WOND3R1NG 1F YOU W3R3 GO1NG TO K33P T4LK1NG 4BOUT M3 L1K3 1 W4SNT H3R3
CCG: SERIOUSLY, TEREZI, WHAT THE FUCK?
CCG: WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS TO ME?
CGC: 1 D1DNT DO 4NYTH1NG TO YOU!
CCG: YES YOU FUCKING DID!
CCG: HONESTLY, WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS?
CCG: JUST WHAT DID I DO WRONG THAT DROVE YOU TO HOOK UP WITH THIS BILGESUCKING PIECE OF SEA TRASH?
CGC: OH MY GOD
CGC: YOU 4CTU4LLY TH1NK 1M DO1NG TH1S 4S SOM3 W4Y OF PUN1SH1NG YOU
CGC: 1 C4NNOT B3L13V3 HOW S3LF-C3NT3R3D YOU 4R3
CGC: B3L13V3 1T OR NOT, K4RKL3S, NOT 3V3RYTH1NG 1N TH3 UN1V3RS3 R3VOLV3S 4ROUND M4K1NG YOU M1S3R4BL3
CGC: YOU H4NDL3 TH4T JOB PR3TTY N1C3LY YOURS3LF >8/
CCG: THEN WHY?
CGC: B3C4US3 H3 4SK3D!
CCG: WHAT?
CCG: SERIOUSLY, THAT'S IT?
CCG: YOU WERE JUST SO FED UP WITH ME THAT YOU JUMPED INTO A RECUPERACOON WITH THE FIRST GLOBEFONDLING NOOKSTAIN TO PROPOSITION YOU?
CCG: ANY PORT IN A STORM, IS THAT HOW THE NAUTICAL PUN WOULD GO?
CGC: WOW, N1C3
CGC: 1N ON3 F3LL SWOOP, NOT ONLY DO YOU ONC3 4G41N 1NSULT SOM3ON3 WHO CONS1D3RS YOU TO B3 H1S FR13ND
CGC: BUT YOU 4LSO 1MPLY TH4T TH3 G1RL YOUR3 FLUSH3D FOR 1S 4 SLUT
CGC: R34LLY FUCK1NG CL4SSY, K4RK4T
CCG: OKAY, SINCE YOUR VAST INTELLECT APPARENTLY SUPERCEDES MINE, EXPLAIN TO ME JUST HOW ELSE I'M SUPPOSED TO INTERPRET THAT SENTENCE.
CGC: WH4T 1 M34NT, 1D1OT
CGC: 1S TH4T 1NST34D OF PL4Y1NG CONST4NT STUP1D L1TTL3 1NS3CUR3 M1ND G4M3S W1TH M3
CGC: 3R1D4N 4CTU4LLY WORK3D UP TH3 FUCK1NG GLOB3S TO JUST COM3 OUT 4ND 4SK M3 TO B3 H1S M4T3SPR1T
CGC: 4ND 1 4GR33D B3C4US3 H3S SM4RT, 4ND H3S FUNNY, 4ND H3S CUT3, 4ND H3 TR34TS MY OWN 1NT3R3STS W1TH 4 L1TTL3 R3SP3CT
CGC: 4ND GET TH1S: H3S 4CTU4LLY N1C3 TO M3!
CGC: 1 KNOW TH1S SOUNDS CR4ZY, BUT 1 4CTU4LLY L1K3 B31NG TR34T3D L1K3 1M 4CTU4LLY WORTH SOM3TH1NG
CGC: SO 1M SORRY 1F TH4T GO3S 4G41NST YOUR POL1CY OF CONST4NTLY TR34T1NG 3V3RYON3 4ROUND YOU L1K3 SH1T
CGC: BUT TH4TS JUST TH3 W4Y 1T 1S
CCG: SO THAT'S JUST IT.
CCG: IT'S OVER, DONE WITH, NEVER GONNA HAPPEN.
CGC: 1 N3V3R S41D TH4T
CGC: BUT FROM WH3R3 1M ST4ND1NG, TH3 CH4NC3S LOOK PR3TTY GR1M >8[
CCG: HONESTLY, DID I EVER EVEN HAVE A CHANCE IN THE FIRST PLACE?
CCG: OR HAVE YOU JUST BEEN FUCKING WITH ME THIS WHOLE TIME?
CGC: OH FOR FUCKS S4K3
CGC: K4RK4T, 1 G4V3 YOU 3V3RY FUCK1NG CH4NC3 TO B3 MY M4T3SPR1T
CGC: BUT YOU D3C1D3D YOUD R4TH3R CONST4NTLY FUCK1NG DODG3 4ROUND TH3 1SSU3 W1TH YOUR L1TTL3 B4RBS 4ND 1NSULTS R4TH3R TH4N S3ND M3 4 CL34R FUCK1NG S1GN4L FOR ONC3
CCG: WHAT.
CCG: TEREZI, ARE YOU SERIOUSLY ACCUSING *ME* OF BEING THE ONE WHO WAS PLAYING MIND GAMES????
CCG: THIS IS THE MOST STAGGERINGLY HYPOCRITICAL LOAD OF HORSESHIT THAT'S EVER BEEN DUMPED ONTO THE RICKETY DRAFTBEAST CART THAT IS MY THINK PAN.
CGC: K4RK4T, HON3STLY
CGC: 1 W4S FLUSH3D FOR YOU
CGC: S3R1OUSLY
CGC: BUT FOR 4LL MY V4ST 1NT3LL3CT, 1 JUST COULD NOT G3T 4 FUCK1NG R34D ON YOU
CGC: 1T W4S L1K3 YOU W3R3 GO1NG OUT OF YOUR W4Y TO CONFUS3 M3
CGC: 1 HON3STLY THOUGHT 1T W4S JUST 4S L1K3LY TH4T YOU W3R3 BL4CK FOR M3
CCG: WHAT??
CCG: YOU THOUGHT I WAS FUCKING *BLACK* FOR YOU?????
CGC: 1 D1DNT KNOW WH4T YOU FUCK1NG W3R3 FOR M3, K4RK4T!
CGC: 3V3N 4FT3R 4LL TH3 L1TTL3 MOM3NTS W3 H4D, YOU W3R3 ST1LL CONST4NTLY SP4RR1NG W1TH M3
CGC: L1K3
CGC: W4S TH4T YOUR W31RD, FUCK3D UP W4Y OF COURT1NG M3?
CGC: DO YOU PO1NTL3SSLY SCR34M 4T 3V3RYON3 YOUR3 FLUSH3D FOR????
CCG: I
CCG: UGH.
CCG: FUCK THIS.
CCG: JUST FUCK THIS WHOLE THING.
CCG: IS THERE EVEN ANY FUCKING POINT TO ALL THIS SHIPPING BULLSHIT IN THE FIRST PLACE???
CCG: LIKE, AT FIRST, I THOUGHT IT WOULD HELP OUR TEAMMATES TO GET THEIR COLLECTIVE ASSES IN GEAR AND ACTUALLY WIN THIS GAME
CCG: BUT INSTEAD, IT'S JUST MADE EVERYBODY CONSTANTLY OBSESS OVER ROMANCE AND FEELINGS JAMS AND SLOPPY MAKEOUTS AND THE WHOLE THING HAS JUST BEEN A MASSIVE FUCKING WASTE OF TIME.
FTC: Actually, motherfucker, I feel the need to all up and correct you over that particular assertion.
FTC: As far as I can tell, all these shipping shenanigans have all pretty much been a massive boon on every motherfucker involved.
CCG: AND JUST HOW DO YOU FIGURE THAT, YOU MIRTHFUL PILE OF SHIT?
FTC: Well, I could up and cite all the positive motherfuckin developments across all the members up in my particular red-pale trapezoid, but I'm sure you aren't interested on any boring shit like "personal growth."
FTC: So I'll just let Tavbro elucidate off a particular motherfuckin anecdote that may justify all this romantic hoofbeastplay vis-a-vis actual SGRUB-related payoffs.
CCG: WHAT
CCG: THE FUCK.
FTC: Tavbro, if you motherfuckin will.
FAT: oF COURSE, gAMZEE,
FAT: aNYWAY, tHE OTHER DAY, gAMZEE AND i WERE MESSING AROUND ON lotam,
CGC: M3SS1NG 4ROUND?
FAT: yES, i AM WELL AWARE THAT THE PHRASE "mESSING AROUND" HAS MULTIPLE DEFINITIONS,
FAT: aND i WOULD JUST LIKE TO CLARIFY THAT, oF ALL THE MYRIAD MEANINGS OF THAT PARTICULAR COMBINATION OF WORDS,
FAT: tHE EVENTS gAMZEE AND i PARTICIPATED IN ON lotam WOULD SATISFY,
FAT: (aND i MUST ADD, tHIS IS A ROUGH ESTIMATE),
FAT: aLL THE MEANINGS,
FAT: aLL OF THEM,
FTC: Awwwww yeah, motherfuckers.
FTC: <3
FAT: yES, oF COURSE, <3
CAG: Hahahahahahahaha, fuck yes.
FAT: aNYWAY, gETTING ON WITH THE STORY,
FAT: wE WERE EXPLORING lotam, wHEN WE CAME ACROSS A TRANSPORATLIZER PAD,
FAT: nATURALLY, wE DECIDED TO EXPLORE, aND AFTER WE FINISHED THE JUMP, wE FOUND OURSELVES IN SOME SORT OF LABORATORY,
FAT: tO BE SPECIFIC, iT WAS AN ECTOBIOLOGY LAB FOR CREATING pROSPITIAN TROOPS TO DEPLOY TO tHE bATTLEFIELD,
FAT: aND WE ALSO FIGURED OUT THAT YOU CAN SPEND BUILD GRIST TO IMBUE THEM WITH YOUR OWN ASPECT POWERS,
CAG: Oh shit, seriously????????
CAG: That sounds like it'd 8e 8adass!!!!!!!!
FTC: Yeah, "bad" is pretty much the most appropriate motherfuckin word to describe that particular discovery's ass.
FTC: Of course, it's all limited based under your mastery on your own motherfuckin aspect powers, so I could barely do shit within the Rage options.
FTC: But since Tavbro went all motherfuckin God Tier, he had all that shit unlocked right on the motherfuckin wooden ball striking club.
FAT: yEAH, wE EVENTUALLY ENDED UP BLOWING PRETTY MUCH ALL OUR QUARTZITE GRIST TO MAKE ONE HUGE ROOK WITH A SHITLOAD OF BREATH POWERS,
CAG: Oh fuck, is THAT what that thing was???????? I was wondering a8out that!!!!!!!!
CCG: WHAT THING?
CAG: Well, the other day I was flying around on the 8attlefield, manipul8ing Dersite commanders into giving shitty orders as usual........
CAG: When out of nowhere I see this giant Prospitian rook literally FLYING across the 8attlefield!!!!!!!!
CAG: Then it lands in front of this 8ig 8attalion of Dersites.
CAG: Like, way more than even a rook should 8e a8le to handle.
CAG: And it starts SHOOTING FUCKING TORN8DOES OUT OF ITS HANDS at them, sending little peons flying everywhere!!!!!!!!
CAG: Eventually I decided to mind control it and wreak a little havoc of my own.
CAG: Oh man, it was soooooooo aaaaaaaawesome, flying around and 8lasting Dersite chumps in first person like a fucking 8oss!!!!!!!!
CAG: Seriously, this kind of shit could turn the tide of the war.
CAG: Hell, we could hold off the Reckoning forever!!!!!!!!
CAG: Man, I wonder what kind of 8adass rook I could m8ke with my Light powers........
FAT: tHE LIGHT POWERS PROBABLY WOULDN'T WORK AS WELL WITH A ROOK,
FAT: fROM WHAT i SAW ON THE TERMINAL, iT MOSTLY PROVIDED A BUNCH OF LUCK BONUSES AND STUFF LIKE THAT,
CAG: Hmmmmmmmm, I guess not.
CAG: I wonder what would 8enefit the most from it, though.
CAG: You can't outfit them with your own weapons, can you? I'd love to make a little squad of Octet-throwing Prospitian gam8lignants.
FAT: hAHA, uNFORTUNATELY, nO,
FAT: oH, bUT YOU KNOW WHAT MIGHT WORK REALLY WELL,
FAT: pUTTING ALL THOSE POWERS ON A SQUAD OF iRREGULARCHERS,
FAT: lIGHT GIVES A LOT OF PRECISION BONUSES TOO, sO IT'D PROBABLY INCREASE THEIR EFFECTIVE RANGE BY A LOT,
FAT: cOMBINE THAT WITH ALL THE LUCK BONUSES, aND YOU'VE GOT A BIG BALL OF INSANELY DEADLY LONG RANGE CRITICAL HIT MACHINES,
CAG: Oh fuck yes, that would 8e awesome!!!!!!!!
CAG: It'd 8e like, they unleash one volley, and oh, what a coincidence, they each hit a separ8 Dersite peon right in the fucking eye!!!!!!!!
CAG: Tavros, you've gotta help me find one of those transportalizer pads on LOMAT.
CAG: We've had all this lodestone grist 8urning a hole in our collective pockets for a while now anyway!!!!!!!!
FAT: hAHA, yEAH, oF COURSE,
CCG: OKAY, SO WHAT'S YOUR FUCKING POINT HERE?
FTC: The point is, motherfucker, that all this questing and Battlefield shit has all been a direct motherfuckin result from Nepeta's all shipping us together.
FTC: So it's pretty much a massive motherfuckin error on judgment to say that it's been a waste of time.
CGC: Y34H K4RKL3S
CGC: TH4TS WH4T YOU W4NT3D 4LL 4LONG, 1SNT 1T?
CGC: FOR US TO M4K3 SOM3 PROGR3SS ON TH3 G4M3?
CGC: YOU WOULD H4V3 TO B3 4 PR3TTY SH1TTY L34D3R TO C4LL 1T OFF JUST B3C4US3 1T D1DNT WORK OUT TO YOUR OWN P3RSON4L ROM4NT1C F4VOR
CCG: FUCK YOU.
CGC: OH, WH4TS TH3 M4TT3R, K4RKL3S
CGC: D1D 1 HURT YOUR F33L1NGS?
CGC: 4R3 YOU GONN4 CRY NOW?
CGC: L3T 4LL THOS3 T34RS OF 4 CL4SS1F13D COLOR FLOW DOWN YOUR L1K3W1S3 UND1SCLOS4BLY T1NT3D CH33KS
CCG: NO SERIOUSLY, FUCK YOU.
CCG: I REALIZE THE IDEA THAT I MIGHT ACTUALLY HAVE FEELINGS IS A JOKE TO YOU, BUT I DO.
CCG: AND YOU'RE KIND OF SHITTING ALL OVER THEM RIGHT NOW.
CGC: OH, G3T OV3R YOURS3LF, K4RK4T
CGC: YOU HON3STLY TH1NK YOUR3 TH3 ONLY P3RSON WHO 3V3R LOV3D 4ND LOST?
CGC: SO YOU FUCK3D UP
CGC: G3T OV3R 1T
CGC: TH3R3 4R3 OTH3R F1SH 1N TH3 S34, YOU KNOW
CCG: OH, FOR FUCK'S SAKE, DO NOT EVEN START USING FISH PUNS ON ME.
CGC: 1LL H4K3 4LL TH3 F1SH PUNS 1 33L L1K3 H4K1NG
CGC: CR4BSN4CK
CGC: >8]
CCG: UGH.
CAC: :33 < terezi just stop it!!
CGC: STOP WH4T?
CAC: :33 < stop being mean to karkat!
CGC: YOU M34N K4RK1TTY?
CAC: :33 < no i mean karkat!!!
CAC: :33 < just beclaws youre bitter or whatefur doesnt give you the right to make light of his f33lings!
CAC: :33 < do you have any idea what hes going through right now, terezi?
CAC: :33 < do you know just how awful it f33ls to be flushed fur somepawdy and know theyll nefur f33l the same about you??
CGC: W3LL
CGC: NOT R34LLY
CAC: :33 < well its terrible!
CAC: :33 < its the worst, most terrible pain you can pawssibly imagine, and you dont have any right to make fun of him fur it at all!!!
CGC: W3LL, H3S TH3 ON3 WHO ST4RT3D 1T
CAC: :33 < well, im the one whos ending it!
CAC: :33 < just stop it now!
CGC: WOW N3P3T4
CGC: 1 W4S JOK1NG B3FOR3, BUT 4R3 YOU R34LLY TH4T 34G3R TO 4USP1ST1C1Z3 FOR P3OPL3??
CAC: :33 < >:OO
CAC: :33 < no!!!!!!
CAC: :33 < im not interested in being in that kind of relationship betw33n you and karkat at all!!
CGC: TH3N WHY 4R3 YOU D3F3ND1NG H1M SO H4RD?
CAC: :33 < beclaws hes my furiend!
CGC: 1M YOUR FR13ND TOO, N3P3T4
CGC: 4ND YOUR OTH3R FR13ND H4S B33N 1NSULT1NG MY M4T3SPR1T 4ND 1MPLY1NG 1 HOOK3D UP W1TH H1M 4S SOM3 SORT OF FUCK3D UP PLOY
CGC: SO M4YB3 YOU SHOULD B3 4 L1TTL3 MOR3 D1SCR1M1N4T1NG 1N P1CK1NG YOUR FR13NDS
CAC: :33 < are you trying to make me choose betw33n you and him?
CGC: 1M NOT M4K1NG YOU DO 4NYTH1NG, N3P3T4
CGC: 1F 4NYON3 1S, 1TS K4RKL3S
CAC: :33 < no its not!
CAC: :33 < youre the ones whos doing it by being so mean to him!
CCG: LOOK, NEPETA
CCG: PLEASE JUST STOP DEFENDING ME, OKAY?
CAC: :33 < no!
CAC: :33 < i want to defend you, karkat!
CGC: 4ND JUST WHY 1S TH4T?
CAC: :33 < thats not any of your fucking business, terezi!
CGA: Okay Look
CGA: I Didnt Really Want To Intervene
CGA: But This Whole Situation Is Getting Entirely Out Of Hand
CGA: So I Think What We All Need To Do Right Now Is Just Calm Down And Try To Deal With This Calamity In A Civilized Manner
CGC: WOW
CGC: 4ND K4N4Y4 COM3S 1N 4ND SCHOOLF33DS US 4LL ON TH3 SUBJ3CT OF 4 PROPER 4USP1ST1C1Z4T1ON
CGA: No Matter How Hard You May Try To Justify It Auspisticization Is Not A Real Word
CGA: And Also
CGA: Shut Up
CGC: >8P
CGC: 1 D1DNT KNOW YOU W3R3 1NTO FOUR-W4YS, K4N4Y4
CGA: Im Not
CGA: I Have Absolutely No Intention Of Initiating Any Mediation Of An Ashen Sort Between You And Karkat
CCG: WHY NOT?
CGA: Im
CGA: Well
CGA: Im Not Interested In Being In That Kind Of Relationship Between You Two Either
CGA: Anyway You And Nepeta Are Friends And I Hate To See You Bickering With Each Other Over Something As Silly As This
CGC: W3LL 1F YOUR3 SO 1NT3R3ST3D 1N R3SCU1NG FR13NDSH1PS
CGC: WHY DONT YOU 4USP1ST1C3 B3TW33N K4RK4T 4ND 3R1D4N, TOO?
CGA: Oh For Fucks Sake
CGA: Despite What Reputation I May Have Built Up Among This Particular Peer Group I Dont Derive Any Particular Pleasure From Juggling Multiple Auspisticeships
CGA: One Woman Can Only Do So Much
CGA: If Youre Looking For A Miracle Worker Talk To Gamzee
FTC: Hahaha, shiiiiit.
FTC: Grubsis, are you all askin me to up and get my motherfuckin meddle on between my best platonic friend and my palebro?
CGA: No Gamzee Of Course Not
CGA: It Would Be Incredibly Inappropriate Of Me To Ask You To Engage In That Sort Of Relationship With Your Moirail
FTC: Well, fuck.
FTC: Hey, maybe you could do those two, and I could all handle Terezi and the catsis for you.
CGA: Okay No Just Stop
CGA: Gamzee Im Intrigued That Youve Taken Such A Sudden Interest In Initiating An Auspisticeship
CGA: But Id Rather You Didnt Get Involved In This Particular Situation
CGA: Frankly The Only Reason I Even Mentioned Your Name Was In Order To Make A Humorous Reference To Your Predilection Towards Miracles
CGA: It Was A Joke
FTC: Oh.
FTC: Well mother fuck then.
FTC: :o(
CGA: Sorry
CCA: ok look
CCA: maybe this wwhole thing wwas a mistake
CGC: WH4T
CCA: i mean
CCA: i like you ter
CCA: seariously i really fuckin do
CCA: but i didnt realize that us hookin up wwas gonna cause such an unbelievvable fuckin shitstorm of emotions for all parties invvolvved
CCA: so maybe
CCA: maybe wwe shouldnt be matesprits
CGC: WH4T!!!!!
CAC: :33 < what??
CCG: WHAT.
CGA: What
CCA: look kars my friend ok
CCA: an i didnt realize us becomin matesprits wwas gonna hurt him as much as it did
CCA: an i certainly didnt think it wwas gonna come betwween you an nep
CCA: so maybe its for the best that you be wwith him
CGC: OK4Y, 3R1D4N
CGC: 4S COMPL3T3LY 4DOR4BLY NOBL3 1T 1S OF YOU TO B3 OK4Y W1TH US BR34K1NG UP JUST FOR TH3 S4K3 OF 3V3RYON3 3LS3
CGC: 1 4M S4Y1NG
CGC: FUCK TH4T
CGC: 4ND FUCK YOU FOR SUGG3ST1NG 1T
CCA: wwhat
CGC: 1M NOT 4N OBJ3CT 3R1D4N!
CGC: NO M4TT3R WH4T K4RK4T M1GHT S4Y, YOU D1DNT ST34L M3 FROM H1M
CGC: 4ND NO M4TT3R WH4Y YOU S4Y, YOU C4NT JUST FO1ST M3 OFF ON H1M
CGC: 1M W1TH YOU B3C4US3 1 CHOS3 TO B3 W1TH YOU
CGC: 4ND NOW 1M CHOOS1NG TO ST4Y W1TH YOU
CCA: but evverything wwould be so much easier if you just wwent wwith kar
CCA: wwhy wwould you wwant to stay wwith me
CGC: B3C4US3 1 DONT G1V3 4 SH1T HOW 34SY OR H4RD 1T 1S
CGC: 1 L1K3 YOU, 3R1D4N
CGC: 4CTU4LLY, NO, FUCK TH4T
CGC: 1 LOV3 YOU, 3R1D4N
CGC: 1 LOV3 H4NG1NG OUT W1TH YOU 4ND T4LK1NG TO YOU
CGC: 4BOUT 3V3RYTH1NG FROM ROL3PL4Y1NG TO H1STORY TO JUST PL41N STUP1D STUFF L1K3 F4SH1ON
CGC: 4ND 1 LOV3 TH3 W4Y YOU T4LK TO M3, 4ND TH3 W4Y 1T M4K3S M3 F33L
CGC: AND 1 LOV3 JUST S1TT1NG W1TH 4 P1L3 1N YOU, RUBB1NG YOUR S1LLY L1GHTN1NG BOLT HORNS 4ND DR1NK1NG F4YGO
CCA: grfhhgfklj fuck wwas that really necessary
CGC: Y3S >8]
CCG: OKAY, ALL BITTERNESS ASIDE
CCG: PLEASE TELL ME YOU WERE FUCKING JOKING ABOUT DRINKING FAYGO.
CGC: WHY D1DNT 4NYBODY T3LL M3 F4YGO C4M3 1N R3D!!!!!
CGC: 3V3RY S1P 1S L1K3 4 W1LD CH3RRY 4P3SH1T 4POC4LYPS3 1N MY MOUTH
FTC: Ahahaha, fuck yes!
FTC: Yet another motherfuckin sister joins our righteous sugary cause!
CCG: OH FOR FUCK'S SAKE.
CCG: THAT IS NOW A FULL THIRD OF OUR TEAM THAT IS ACTUALLY VOLUNTARILY INGESTING THAT CARBONATED RAW SEWAGE.
CCG: ARE YOU HAPPY NOW, NEPETA?
CCG: CAN YOU HONESTLY LOOK UPON THE DESECRATION OF GOOD TASTE YOU HAVE WROUGHT AND TELL ME YOU'RE DOING A GOOD THING?
CAC: :33 < sorry karkat
CCG: DON'T APOLOGIZE, I'M KIND OF JOKING.
CAC: :33 < oh, okay
CGC: WH4TS TH3 M4TT3R, K4RKL3S?
CGC: M4D TH4T 1 FOUND 4NOTH3R SOURC3 FOR MY R3D FLU1D F1X?
CCG: WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
CGC: OH R1GHT
CGC: YOU ST1LL 4R3NT W1LL1NG TO D1SCLOS3 TH4T L1TTL3 J3W3L Y3T
CCG: FUCK OFF.
CCA: yknoww ter there are other flavvors besides redpop
CCA: you should havve more of the grape its my favvorite
CGC: OH, 1V3 TR13D TH3 GR4P3
CGC: 4ND 1TS GOOD, DONT G3T M3 WRONG
CGC: BUT 1 L1K3 YOUR GR4P3 B3TT3R
CGC: >8]
CCG: ASFKJHKLFDSKLJKLJFSDGKLJASDHFLKLFVBXZ
CCG: OH FOR FUCK'S SAKE.
CCG: IS THIS SERIOUSLY WHAT WE'RE REDUCED TO, PEOPLE?
CCG: BLURTING OUT WHATEVER DISGUSTING DEVIANT ACTS WE'RE ENGAGING IN AND THEN GIGGLING LIKE WE'RE SO FUCKING CLEVER FOR "ACCIDENTALLY" REMINDING EVERYONE WE'RE IN A QUADRANT?
CCG: DO YOU REALLY HAVE TO TAKE EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR DISGUSTING FETISHES AND DRAG IT INTO THE OPEN LIKE A FRESHLY SLAIN CHOLERBEAR
CCG: AND THEN FLAY ALL OF ITS SKIN OFF AND HOIST ITS FLESHY BLOODY CORPSE UP FOR EVERYONE TO SEE?
CCG: AND THEN YOU STRADDLE YOUR NAKED BODY OVER IT AS YOU SLOWLY BUTCHER IT CUT BY JUICY TENDER CUT
CCG: AND WHEN THE BLOOD GETS TOO THICK ON YOUR HANDS, YOU WIPE THEM OFF ON YOUR LITHE, SURPRISINGLY MUSCULAR THIGHS
CCG: AND SOMETIMES, WHEN YOU'RE FEELING A LITTLE DARING, YOU'LL REACH UP TO YOUR CHEST AND PAINT LITTLE CIRCLES OF BLOOD AROUND YOUR
CCG: FUCK FUCK SHIT FUCK HOW DID I HIT THE ENTER KEY
CGC: >8O
CGA: Um
CAG: ........
FAT: uH,
CCA: kar wwhat the fuck are you goin on about
CCG: I
CCG: DON'T KNOW?
CCG: I SERIOUSLY HAVE NO IDEA WHY I WOULD EVER TYPE THAT.
CCG: PAST ME FROM THIRTY SECONDS AGO IS LITERALLY THE WORST ME.
CGC: LOOK, K4RKL3S
CGC: TH3R3 4R3 4NY NUMB3R OF W4YS TO 1NT3RPR3T MY PR3V1OUS ST4T3M3NT
CGC: 4ND B31NG SUCH 4 WOND3RFUL GUY, YOU N4TUR4LLY D3C1D3D TO P1CK ON3 TH4T P41NT3D M3 TO B3 4N 34SY P41L F1LL, OF COURS3
CGC: 1T JUST SO H4PP3NS TH3 P4RT1CUL4R S4MPL3 OF GR4P3 1 GOT C4M3 FROM L1CK1NG TH4T GOOFY PURPL3 STR1P3 1N H1S H41R
CCA: hey cmon ter its not goofy
CGC: 3R1D4N
CGC: 1TS GOOFY
CCA: ok if i actually dyed it this wway id be perfectly wwillin to admit that its goofy
CCA: but seariously the stripe is all natural
CCA: ivve tried wwashin it out before it doesnt wwork
CGC: W3LL
CGC: OK4Y, 1 GU3SS 1TS NOT TH4T GOOFY
CGC: 4ND 1N C4S3 4NYON3 1S WOND3R1NG
CGC: 1T T4ST3S L1K3 GR4P3S, W1TH JUST TH3 SL1GHT3ST H1NT OF 4LCOHOL
CGC: SORT OF L1K3 4 LOV3LY PORT W1N3
CCA: oh
CCA: i didnt take you for a wwine drinker ter
CGC: 1 D4BBL3
CCA: so are you sayin you find my blood color
CCA: intoxicatin
CGC: M1ST3R 4MPOR4
CGC: TH4TS 3X4CTLY WH4T 1M S4Y1NG >8]
CCG: OKAY, FUCK, JUST STOP.
CCG: YOU'RE BEST MATESPRITS FOREVER, WE GET IT.
CGC: HON3STLY, K4RKL3S
CGC: W3R3 JUST G1V1NG TH1S 4 SHOT R1GHT NOW
CCA: yeah i mean
CCA: i realize this wwhole thing kinda just came outta nowwhere
CCA: so right noww wwere just sorta testin the wwaters
CCA: wwe havvent evven done anything yet
CGC: B3S1D3S M4K1NG OUT
CCA: ter please
CGC: NO TH4NK YOU >8]
CCG: UGH.
CGC: HON3STLY, K4RKL3S, 1M K1ND OF OFF3ND3D
CGC: WH4T K1ND OF G1RL DO YOU TH1NK 1 4M?
CCG: I THINK YOU'RE THE KIND OF GIRL WHO WOULD FILL A PAIL WITH A GUY YOU BARELY EVEN KNOW JUST TO PISS ME OFF.
CGC: >8O!!!
CGC: FUCK YOU!!!!!
CCA: ok kar seariously
CCA: im your friend an all but you cant just say somethin about that like ter its completely uncalled for
CCG: NO, YOU KNOW WHAT?
CCG: YOU ARE NOT MY FUCKING FRIEND ANYMORE.
CCG: WE ARE FRIENDS NO LONGER.
CCG: EX-FUCKING-FRIENDS.
CCG: FRANKLY, WE STOPPED BEING FRIENDS THE MOMENT YOU STOLE MY MATESPRIT.
CGC: 1 W4S N3V3R YOUR M4T3SPR1T, 4SSHOL3!!
CCG: WELL FINE THEN, FUCK YOU TOO!
CCG: FUCK YOU, FUCK HIM, AND FUCK EVERYBODY ELSE WHILE WE'RE AT IT.
CCG: I REALLY HOPE YOU TWO ARE HAPPY TOGETHER, BECAUSE FROM NOW ON, WE ARE MORTAL FUCKING ENEMIES.
CCG: IN FACT, YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU'RE OFF THE TEAM.
CCG: AS TEAM LEADER, I AM OFFICIALLY OUSTING YOU FROM THE TEAM.
CCG: AND I'M ORDERING THE REST OF MY TEAMMATES TO NEVER TALK TO YOU AGAIN.
CAG: Okay, no, that's stupid.
CAG: If you give me that order, I'm not following it.
CCG: OH, YOU WANT SOME OF THIS TOO??
CCG: YOU FEEL LIKE JOINING THEM IN THE OUSTING????
CAG: Karkat, seriously, you're 8eing kind of a douche a8out this.
FAT: uH, i'M SORT OF INCLINED TO AGREE,
FAT: tHIS IS A REALLY BLATANT ABUSE OF YOUR AUTHORITY,
CCG: OH, FOR FUCK'S SAKE.
CCG: I SEE HOW IT'S GOING TO BE.
CCG: THEN FUCK IT, EVERYBODY'S OUSTED FROM THE TEAM.
CCG: EVERY LAST ONE OF YOU ASSHOLES.
CCG: EXCEPT ME, OF COURSE.
CGC: SO NOW TH3 T34M 1S JUST YOU
CGC: 4ND YOU ST1LL C4NT 4GR33 ON 4NYTH1NG!
CGC: H4H4H4, 4W3SOM3 T34M K4RKL3S
CAC: :33 < terezi, stop it!!!
CAC: :33 < karkat please dont be mad at anypawdy else fur this!
CAC: :33 < seriously, its all my fault!
CCG: NEPETA, I ALREADY TOLD YOU I'LL BE MAD AT WHOEVER THE FUCK I WANT TO BE MAD AT.
CCG: OH, AND I FORGOT, YOU'RE STILL ON THE TEAM.
CGC: WH4T
CGC: K4RK4T YOU 4R3 SO STUP1D SOM3T1M3S
CCG: FUCK YOU, NON-TEAM MEMBER, DON'T TALK TO ME.
CCG: IN FACT, NONE OF YOU ASSHOLES TALK TO ME.
CCG: JUST FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU FOREVER.
CCG: EXCEPT YOU, NEPETA, YOU'RE COOL.
CCG: SO NOW I'M BANNING MYSELF FROM THIS GAGGLE OF ASSHOLES.
CCG: LATER FUCKHEADS.
CCG banned himself from responding to memo.
CAC: :33 < karkat wait!!!
CAC: :33 < ugh
CAC: :33 < terezi why would you do that!!!
CGC: DO WH4T???
CAC: :33 < you just k33p baiting him with all these little insults!!
CAC: :33 < and its really not cool and you should just stop!!!!
CGC: SO WH4T
CGC: H3 JUST G3TS TO 1NSULT M3 4ND C4LL M3 4 WHOR3 W1TH 1MPUN1TY?
CAC: :33 < yes!
CAC: :33 < i mean no
CAC: :33 < i mean
CAC: :33 < i dont know okay!!!
CAC: :33 < just stop it!!!!
CGC: 1F H3S GO1NG TO B3 4N 4SSHOL3 TO M3
CGC: TH3N 1M GO1NG TO B3 4N 4SSHOL3 TO H1M
CGC: F41RS F41R
CAC: :33 < no!!!
CAC: :33 < hes really angry and hurt right now and all youre doing is making things worse so just stop being such a bitch!!!!!
CGA: Okay Both Of You Please Stop This
CGA: Arguing Amongst Yourselves Isnt Going To Accomplish Anything
CAC: :33 < ill only stop if terezi stops being so mean to karkat!
CGA: We Can Work Out The Particulars Of The Arrangement In A Private Conversation Later
CGC: WHO4 WHO4 HOLD ON 4 M1NUT3
CGC: WHO S41D 4NYTH1NG 4BOUT 4N 4RR4NG3M3NT?
CGA: Im Sorry I Just Sort Of Assumed Thats What You Would Want
CGA: Unless Of Course You Were Interested In Pursuing A Genuine Kismesissitude With Nepeta
CCA: fuck no thats not wwhat shes interested in
CCA: right ter
CGC: NO, OF COURS3 NOT
CGC: BUT 1 M34N
CGC: TH1S 4LL S33MS K1ND OF SUDD3N
CGA: Would You Prefer To Endlessly Bicker With Nepeta Over The Subject Of Karkat In Future Memos
CGC: W3LL
CGC: NO, NOT R34LLY
CGA: So
CGA: This Is What You Want
CGC: Y34H, OK4Y
CGA: Okay Nepeta What About You
CAC: :33 < fine, i guess
CGA: Then Its Settled
CGA: c3<
CAG: Hahahahahahahaha, oh man, two quadrants in one night!!!!!!!!
CAG: Welcome to the clu8, Terezi!!!!!!!!
CAG: Oh hey, that sentence had a totally appopri8, totally unintentional dou8le meaning!!!!!!!! Awesome.
CGC: WH4T3V3R >8P
CAG: Aaaaaaaanyway, I should pro8a8ly get going.
CAG: Good lord, this has 8een a long memo.
CAG: 8ut hey, congrats again on getting hitched, you guys!!!!!!!!
CGC: Y34H, TH4NKS
CAG: And, uh........
CAG: See you around, Terezi?
CGC: M4YB3
CGC: 1 ST1LL H4V3NT M4D3 UP MY M1ND Y3T
CAG: Yeah, yeah, fair enough.
CAG: 8ut hey, Eridan! We've still got some scheming to do!
CAG: Talk to you after this memo, may8e?
CCA: ehh maybe later vvris
CCA: not really in the mood right noww
CAG: 8ah, whatever.
CAG: Tavros? You feel like doing something?
FAT: mAYBE NOT RIGHT THIS INSTANT,
FAT: gAMZEE'S STILL AT MY HIVE, sO WE MIGHT NEED TO,
FAT: tAKE CARE OF SOME THINGS FIRST,
FTC: Tavbro, as much as I'm all the mother fuck up for some things and the taking of care of them, you might want to delay all that shit for another fourteen minutes.
FTC: From your end, I mean.
FTC: Just for reasons of temporal motherfuckin consistency.
FAT: hAHA, yES, oF COURSE,
FAT: bUT MAYBE LATER TODAY, vRISKA,
CAG: Yeah, yeah, okay, don't want to interrupt you guys.
CAG: Kanaya, you're not gonna 8e to 8usy with all this ashen stuff to hang out with your m8sprit, are you?
CGA: Of Course Not Vriska
CGA: I Can Always Make Time For You
CAG: Gr8!!!!!!!! See you soon then!
CAG: Anyway, l8er!!!!!!!!
CAG ceased responding to memo.
FAT: yEAH, wE SHOULD PROBABLY GET GOING TOO,
FAT: bUT CONGRATULATIONS ONCE AGAIN, tEREZI AND eRIDAN,
FAT: aND HOPEFULLY WE CAN ROLEPLAY AGAIN SOON,
CGC: Y34H, TH4T SOUNDS GR34T!
CCA: yeah i guess
CGC: 3R1D4N, STOP B31NG SO MOP3Y
CGC: FORG3T 4BOUT K4RKL3S, H3S JUST B31NG 4 DOUCH3
CCA: maybe
CCA: i dont knoww
CGC: >8[
FAT: aNYWAY, i'LL BE GOING NOW,
FAT: gAMZEE, sEE YOU IN FOURTEEN MINUTES,
FAT: oR, i GUESS, rIGHT NOW FROM YOUR PERSPECTIVE,
FTC: Yeah, that's pretty much how it's appearing all out of this motherfuckin perspective.
FTC: Oh shit.
FTC: Okay, got to go, past Tavbro.
FTC: See you in fourteen motherfuckin minutes.
FTC: <3
FTC ceased responding to memo.
FAT: <3
FAT: oH,
FAT: wELL THAT'S,
FAT: iNTERESTING, i GUESS,
FAT: aNYWAY, i HAVE TO GO,
FAT ceased responding to memo.
CGA: Okay So
CGA: Terezi And Eridan
CGA: Im Really Happy For The Both Of You
CGA: And I Hope Things Work Out For You
CGC: TH4NKS K4N4Y4
CCA: an thanks again for your help kan
CGA: It Was Truly My Pleasure
CGA: I Was Simply Happy To Put My Skills As A Seamstress To Work
CGA: And As An Actress I Suppose
CGA: Though I Dont Think My Acting Skills Are Quite As Developed As My Tailoring Skills
CGA: But Then I Wasnt Really Acting All That Much Was I
CGA: Really I Was Just Saying Things I Already Believed In An Antiquated Fashion And Changing The Names Around
CGA: Urrgh Okay When I Start Rambling Like This Somebody Needs To Stop Me
CCA: hahahaha
CGA: Anyway I Look Forward To Designing More Costumes In The Future
CGA: And Perhaps Even Designing Some Clothes For You To Wear For Normal Occasions If Thats Alright
CCA: yeah kan id lovve that
CCA: hey maybe wwhile youre auspisticizin these twwo you can make some clothes for them too
CGC: WH4T
CCA: anythin to get rid a that ratty old trenchcoat nep insists on traipsin around in
CAC: :33 < eridan, shut up
CCA: wwhat thats it
CCA: cmon nep you can think of somethin better than that
CAC: :33 < im not in the mood right now
CAC: :33 < so just shut up
CCA: ugh wwhatevver
CGA: Anyway Terezi And Nepeta I Suppose Ill Talk To You After This
CGC: Y34H, 1 GU3SS
CAC: :33 < okay
CGA: Good
CGA: Well In That Case I Shall Depart
CGA: Farewell
CGA ceased responding to memo.
CAC: :33 < okay, so
CAC: :33 < thats it, i guess
CGC: N3P3T4
CGC: 1 KNOW YOUR3 K1ND OF M4D 4T M3 FOR WH4T3V3R R34SON R1GHT NOW
CGC: 4ND YOUR3 4LW4YS M4D 4T 3R1D4N FOR 4 COMPL3T3LY D1FF3R3NT R34SON
CGC: BUT TH4NKS 4 LOT FOR TH1S
CCA: yeah nep thanks
CCA: i really appreciate all the help youvve givven me ovver the past couple a days
CCA: evven if you are kind of a stupid wwiggler sometimes
CAC: :33 < ugh
CCA: yeah yeah not in the mood i knoww
CCA: but the point stands
CAC: :33 < well
CAC: :33 < youre welcome, i guess
CGC: YOU GU3SS?
CAC: :33 < i dont know, okay?
CAC: :33 < its just
CAC: :33 < i knew this wasnt going to be easy
CAC: :33 < but i didnt think it would be this hard
CGC: WH4TS H4RD?
CAC: :33 < its
CAC: :33 < nothing, nefurmind
CAC: :33 < anyway, good luck, you two
CAC: :33 < and if you efur n33d help, you can talk to me
CGC: TH4NKS N3P3T4
CGC: BUT W3 SHOULD PROB4BLY GO NOW
CCA: yeah wwe probably should
CCA: i guess you twwo are gonna talk to kan
CGC: TH4TS TH3 PL4N
CCA: wwell good luck wwith that
CCA: talk to you later nep
CAC: :33 < yeah, bye
CCA ceased responding to memo.
CGC: SO
CAC: :33 < terezi, im sorry
CAC: :33 < i was being kind of mean to you befur
CGC: H3Y H3Y H3Y, S4V3 1T FOR K4N4Y4
CGC: SH3 WONT B3 H4PPY 1F W3 3ND UP R3SOLV1NG OUR L1TTL3 D1SPUT3 W1THOUT TH3 N33D FOR H3R M3DDL1NG
CAC: :33 < h33 h33, i guess so
CAC: :33 < so ill talk to you soon?
CGC: Y3P
CGC: S33 YOU SOON N3P3T4
CGC: c3<
CAC: :33 < is that a thing auspisticized people actually do?
CAC: :33 < type clubs at each other?
CGC: 1F 1T 1SNT, 1T 1S NOW
CAC: :33 < okay, fine
CAC: :33 < c3<
CGC: Y34H, TH4TS TH3 SP1R1T!
CGC: 4NYW4Y, BY3
CGC ceased responding to memo.
CAC: :33 < so
CAC: :33 < what should i do now?
CAC: :33 < i should k33p shipping, i guess
CAC: :33 < right?
CAC unbanned CCG from responding to memo.
CAC: :33 < should i k33p shipping?
CAC: :33 < karkat?
CAC: :33 < ...
CAC: :33 < *sigh*
CAC: :33 < i dont know
CAC: :33 < maybe ill just take a break fur now
CAC: :33 < i dont even know if what im doing is right
CAC: :33 < well
CAC: :33 < no use k33ping this memo open, i guess
CAC: :33 < and dont bother trying to interrupt my closing narration, im not even doing one
CAC ceased responding to memo.

CAC closed memo.

Notes:

OOPS IT RAN A LITTLE LONG. HAVE ANOTHER 16,000+ WORD CHAPTER. And I actually wanted to include another pesterlog after the memo, but WELP.

Chapter 13: Aftermath

Chapter 13

Aftermath

terminallyCapricious [TC] began trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG].

TC: Hey motherfucker.
TC: Honk honk.
CG: OH GREAT, GAMZEE.
CG: YOU'RE HERE ON ERIDAN'S BEHALF, I ASSUME?
CG: TELL HIM IF HE NEEDS TO SAY SOMETHING TO ME, HE SHOULD WORK UP THE GLOBES TO DO IT HIS OWN FUCKING SELF.
CG: OH, THAT'S RIGHT, HE ALREADY TRIED THAT, AND I BLOCKED HIM.
CG: SO REMIND HIM THAT THAT MEANS I DON'T REALLY FEEL LIKE HEARING ANY OF HIS HISTRIONIC SKYHORSE LEAVINGS, NO MATTER HOW MANY INTERMEDIARIES HE FEELS LIKE RELAYING THEM THROUGH.
TC: Nah, motherfucker, it ain't any such horseshit as that.
TC: Can't a motherfucker all up and talk at his best platonic motherfuckin friend without any ulterior motherfuckin motives?
CG: NO.
TC: Alright, so it ain't exactly accurate to say that I'm lacking on any motives what could be described like ulterior.
TC: But the truth is, it all seems like your shit just performed an acrobatic motherfuckin pirouette over the handle, and I was all figuring maybe you just needed some motherfucker to up and talk around that shit towards.
CG: UH
CG: GAMZEE, IS THIS
CG: A PROPOSITION?
TC: What?
TC: Well, shit, I guess it's a proposition on so far like to say what I'm proposing we shoot the proverbial shit like a cardboard waterfowl up on a shooting gallery at a dark motherfuckin carnival.
CG: NO, I MEAN
CG: IT SOUNDS AN AWFUL LOT LIKE YOU'RE PROPOSING A, UH
CG: A PALE INDISCRETION.
TC: Awwwww, mother fuck, not any of this bullshit like around pale infidelity or whatever the fuck that shit may be.
TC: The way I'm all seein it, if a motherfucker can't talk towards his best platonic motherfuckin friend about some shit what's all up in his mind, then what's the point on having a best platonic friend on the motherfuckin first place?
CG: WHY DO YOU KEEP SAYING THAT?
TC: Keep saying what, motherfucker?
CG: THAT I'M YOUR "BEST PLATONIC FRIEND"
CG: WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN MEAN.
TC: Well, before it was as you were my best friend period.
TC: But now that I'm all palebros with Eridan and flushed as a motherfucker at Tavbro, I'm all thinkin it's fair to up and motherfuckin say you got some competition.
TC: But it's not like I'm gonna try to rank you three bros against each other, so I'll just say you're all up and motherfuckin equivalent on my book.
TC: Well, wait, that shit ain't exactly accurate.
TC: I don't think I'll be hurting the feelings of any particular motherfucker to say I like Tavbro more I like them.
TC: Seeing like that seems to be the whole motherfuckin point on the flushed quadrant in general.
TC: But between you and my palebro, I ain't seein any motherfuckin need to draw comparisons across the two of you.
TC: So you're my best platonic friend, and Eridan's my best non-platonic friend except for Tavros, who's obviously towering way the fuck over both you two motherfuckers.
TC: If that shit makes any sense in all.
CG: UH
CG: KIND OF?
TC: And seeing like you're both my best motherfuckin friends at one denomination or another, it's kind of harshing my buzz to see you all gettin your motherfuckin fight on.
TC: So I'd like it if you could all just up and cut that shit right the mother fuck off if at all possible.
CG: OKAY, NOW IT SOUNDS LIKE YOU'RE TRYING TO AUSPISTICIZE US.
TC: Oh sweet merciful mother fuck.
TC: I ain't tryin to pull any sort of motherfuckin moirail-auspistice double reacharound over your nubby-horned ass, alright, bro?
TC: The fact in the motherfuckin matter is I'm Eridan's palebro, and being like his palebro, it's kind of my motherfuckin responsibility to all solve his problems what he can't solve on his own motherfuckin self.
TC: And right now, your being all motherfuckin angry on him is a problem, and you already made that shit clear as crystal Faygo what you aren't hearin a motherfuckin peep off of him.
TC: So it all falls to me to resolve this shit on my own self.
TC: So let's talk.
TC: Motherfucker.
CG: UH
CG: OKAY
CG: WE'LL TALK
TC: Okay, good.
CG: SO
CG: WHAT ARE WE TALKING ABOUT, GAMZEE?
TC: Well, first of all, if I may.
TC: I'd ask what you not refer to me like Gamzee.
TC: That shit's my old name, an artifact of an older persona what doesn't exist on any particular fashion anymore.
CG: WHAT?
CG: YOU'RE CHANGING YOUR NAME?
TC: Shit yeah, brother.
TC: The Verbal Messiah, throughout Rufio, his Prophet, has enlightened me on becoming one with The Flow, and via its rhythmic pulse my old self has been destroyed and rebuilt anew, shining and whole.
TC: And within this new ego, he also bequeathed upon me a new name, fitting for the Prophet's closest disciple.
TC: From now on, I humbly request what you refer to me as Thud Butt.
CG: THUD BUTT.
TC: Yes.
CG: OKAY
CG: AS MUCH AS I WANT TO RESPECT YOUR WEIRD NEW RELIGION
CG: THERE IS PRETTY MUCH NO FUCKING WAY I'M CALLING YOU THAT.
TC: Yeah, I kind of up and figured that was something you'd never motherfuckin agree upon.
TC: Thought it was all worth a motherfuckin shot, though.
CG: YEAH, NO, NOT REALLY.
TC: Well, shit.
CG: SO SERIOUSLY, WHAT THE FUCK ARE WE TALKING ABOUT?
TC: You tell me, motherfucker.
TC: You're the one what's all up and gettin' his angry on.
CG: SO YOU WANT ME TO SAY WHY I'M ANGRY.
CG: LIKE YOU DON'T ALREADY FUCKING KNOW.
TC: Sure, brother.
TC: Just get that shit all out over the motherfuckin table so we can get a good motherfuckin peek up on it.
CG: OKAY, FINE.
CG: I'M ANGRY BECAUSE YOUR "PALEBRO" WENT BEHIND MY BACK TO BECOME MATESPRITS WITH TEREZI, EVEN THOUGH HE ALREADY KNEW I WAS FLUSHED FOR HER.
CG: IS THAT A COMPLETELY UNREASONABLE THING TO BE FUCKING FURIOUS ABOUT?
TC: Nah, bro, I see where you're coming out of.
TC: The two of you probably made some sort of pact where he'd all agree to stay the fuck off your girl before you made your move.
TC: And he up and broke that shit like a priceless vase precariously perched up on the world's shakiest motherfuckin pedestal.
CG: UH
CG: NOT EXACTLY.
TC: What?
CG: WE NEVER REALLY MADE ANY SORT OF PACT.
TC: Oh.
TC: Well still, I get why you're all feelin betrayed.
TC: You up and confided that shit for him, and the motherfucker totally broke your trust.
CG: UGH, OKAY, I SEE WHAT YOU'RE DOING HERE.
TC: Doing what, motherfucker?
TC: I'm just all drawing some motherfuckin conclusions based over the information what you're up and providing at me.
CG: DON'T PLAY DUMB, GAMZEE.
CG: I'VE HEARD ENOUGH OF YOU BEING GENUINELY DUMB TO KNOW WHEN YOU'RE FAKING IT.
TC: Bro, going solely out of just how motherfuckin angry you are in this whole situation, I'm sort of up and assuming the worst for anything you tell at me.
TC: So if I'm reaching a conclusion you find to be erroneous, you might feel the need to motherfuckin elucidate.
CG: OKAY, OKAY, FINE.
CG: I NEVER ACTUALLY TOLD HIM I WAS FLUSHED FOR TEREZI.
TC: Oh, okay.
CG: BUT HE STILL KNEW.
TC: He guessed.
CG: HE DEDUCED.
TC: But he didn't confirm.
CG: SO WHY DIDN'T HE CONFIRM?
CG: HOW FUCKING HARD WOULD THAT HAVE BEEN?
CG: SEND ME A MESSAGE SAYING, "HEY, I'M GONNA PULL SOME RIDICULOUS FUCKING ROLEPLAYING STUNT TO HOOK UP WITH TEREZI, IS THAT COOL? LOVE, ERIDAN."
TC: Well, fuck, I'll admit it probably would've been a good motherfuckin idea to confirm his suspicions under you and your feelings at the motherfuckin dragonsis.
TC: But there's some shit you should probably know.
CG: WHAT?
TC: Now, keep on your motherfuckin think pan, I'm only telling this shit at you because I think if my palebro were talking at you, he'd say this shit towards you his own motherfuckin self.
TC: But before he went through in this shit, he told at me that he thought you might be flushed at Terezi, and he was afraid this shit would all put some serious hurt on your feelings.
TC: But he was pretty confident that it wouldn't be that motherfuckin bad.
CG: WHAT.
CG: WHY THE FUCK NOT?
TC: Couldn't say, motherfucker.
TC: I asked him why, but he just said it was a motherfuckin secret.
CG: OKAY, THAT IS A SERIOUSLY BULGE-CHAFING LOAD OF BEHEMOTH LEAVINGS.
CG: WHAT SECRET ABOUT ME COULD HE POSSIBLY HAVE THAT WOULD MAKE HIM THINK IT WAS OKAY FOR HIM TO GO AFTER TEREZI?
TC: Told you, bro, I ain't got a motherfuckin clue.
TC: Could be he thought it was just a little crush, and that once he all made his move, you'd just lose motherfuckin interest on it.
TC: Or maybe he thought you weren't interested over any of this romance shit at all, and the only shits you gave were on beatin the game.
TC: Fuck, I don't know, could have even thought there was some other motherfucker what you were flushed at even more than your clientsis.
CG: WHAT.
CG: OKAY, NO, THAT IS SOME COMPLETE MUSCLEBEAST DISCHARGE.
CG: WHO THE FUCK ELSE WOULD HE THINK I WAS FLUSHED FOR??
TC: I don't know, bro.
TC: Is there any motherfucker what you're flushed for?
CG: AND JUST HOW IN THE NAME OF FUCK IS THAT ANY OF YOUR BUSINESS?
TC: I'll admit my business doesn't do any motherfuckin dealing in shit of that particular variety.
TC: But if you actually were all up and flushing on some other motherfucker that hard, I'm not thinking it would be a huge motherfuckin stretch what he might have picked up off that shit.
TC: I mean, he found out around your feelings against Terezi.
CG: WHAT THE FUCK DIFFERENCE DOES THIS EVEN MAKE?
CG: WHATEVER HIS REASONS WERE, THEY WERE SOME SERIOUSLY SPECIOUS SHIT.
CG: THE FACT OF THE MATTER IS HE KNEW I WAS FLUSHED FOR HER, AND HE WENT AHEAD WITH HIS LITTLE SCHEME ANYWAY.
CG: AND ENORMOUS FUCKING SURPRISE: I'M ANGRY!!!!!
CG: WOW!!!!! WHO WOULD HAVE THOUGHT???????
TC: Bro, I perfectly motherfuckin understand your all up and being motherfuckin angry around this.
TC: I ain't saying you're unjustified on that shit at all.
TC: But my palebro's real motherfuckin upset under this whole shitstorm, and there's got to be some shit we can do on it.
CG: OF COURSE'S HE'S FUCKING UPSET.
CG: I CALLED HIM A TRAITOR AND ACCUSED TEREZI OF HOOKING UP WITH HIM JUST TO FUCK WITH ME.
CG: BUT WHAT THE FUCK DOES HE WANT TO DO ABOUT IT? CHALLENGE ME TO A DUEL OR SOMETHING?
TC: Nah, motherfucker, you all misunderstood at me.
TC: He's upset, but I never motherfuckin said he was angry towards you.
TC: Truth in the matter is, the motherfucker's outright despondent.
CG: WHAT.
CG: SO HE'S NOT MAD, HE'S
CG: DEPRESSED?
TC: Yeah, motherfucker, he's pretty much inconsolable.
TC: He feels as a proper motherfucker what for going around your motherfuckin back on all this.
TC: But all on the same time... he really loves her, bro.
TC: And now he all feels as he's got to up and choose between his best friend and his matesprit.
CG: HE DOES?
TC: Yeah, brother.
CG: WELL
CG: UGH.
CG: WHY THE FUCK IS NOBODY ELSE MAD ABOUT THIS???
CG: IT'S LIKE THE ONLY OTHER PERSON WHO'S REMOTELY ANGRY ABOUT THIS IS TEREZI
CG: WHO'S JUST INSANELY FUCKING ANGRY ABOUT IT FOR SOME REASON.
TC: Yeah, about that, bro...
CG: WHAT?
TC: All up in that last memo, it seems like...
TC: Well...
TC: You were getting, like, REALLY motherfuckin angry on her.
TC: Like, scary angry.
CG: UGH, YEAH, I KNOW.
CG: BUT YOU SAW THE SHIT SHE WAS SAYING TO ME, RIGHT?
CG: IT WAS LIKE SHE WAS GOING OUT OF HER WAY TO PISS ME OFF.
TC: Shit, I don't know, maybe she was.
TC: Still though, motherfucker, it just seems motherfuckin weird how mad you all got up at that sister.
CG: HOW IS IT WEIRD?
CG: I'M THE ANGRY GUY. IT'S KIND OF MY THING.
CG: THE FACT THAT SHE WAS PROBABLY DELIBERATELY EGGING ME ON IS JUST THE PISS-FLAVORED ICING ON THE TRIPLE DECKER HATE CAKE.
TC: Yeah, but you're flushed on her, right?
CG: WELL, NOT ANY FUCKING MORE I'M NOT!
TC: But you were on the motherfuckin time.
CG: JUST WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU IMPLYING HERE, GAMZEE?
TC: Ain't implying shit, motherfucker.
TC: Just trying to see where the fuck all this rage is coming the mother fuck out of.
CG: IT'S CALLED VACILLATION, OKAY?
CG: IT'S A PERFECTLY NORMAL THING THAT HAPPENS TO TROLLS OF ALL AGES WHEN THEY'RE IN THE THROES OF CONCUPISCENT LUST.
CG: I MEAN, FUCK, EVEN YOU'VE DONE IT BEFORE.
CG: REMEMBER A FEW DAYS AGO, WHEN YOU WERE THREATENING TO CULL TAVROS?
TC: Yeah, but I was suffering on severe motherfuckin withdrawal symptoms under a psychotropic hallucinogen that I'd been ingesting in massive motherfuckin quantities.
CG: ...
CG: WHAT THE FUCK.
TC: What?
CG: GAMZEE, WHEN THE FUCK DID YOU LEARN ALL THESE WORDS?
TC: Awwww shit, it wasn't any of my motherfuckin intention to all up and spray my logorrhea all up on this conversation.
TC: I'm just all tryin to diversify my motherfuckin vocabulary for the sake of my slams, bro.
CG: YOUR SLAMS.
TC: Yeah, bro.
TC: Slam poetry.
TC: It's all about slinging rhymes and shit.
TC: So the ways I'm all seeing it, the more words you know, the more rhymes you can make.
TC: And thus the more pain you can bring to the motherfuckin slamming grounds.
CG: UH
CG: OKAY
TC: My palebro all hooked me up within this motherfuckin book called a "thesaurus" or some such shit like that.
TC: It's got all these motherfuckin words up on it and then a whole motherfuckin cluster of words what mean the same thing.
TC: It's some seriously salubrious shit.
CG: UM
TC: Oh fuck, speakin on salubrious shit, I've got to all up and get that pie off the motherfuckin oven.
TC: Sorry if I'm all distracted and shit.
CG: WAIT, WHAT?
CG: GAMZEE, ARE YOU BACK ON THE PIES AGAIN????
TC: Awwww shit, look at this motherfucker all up and being unclear over this shit.
TC: I ain't talking around THE pies, bro.
TC: Now, don't get all motherfuckin wrong on me, I AM currently baking a whole mother fuck load of pies all up in this bitchin kitchen.
TC: But I ain't throwing any motherfuckin slime on any of that shit.
CG: OKAY
CG: SO YOU'RE MAKING
CG: REGULAR PIES.
TC: I ain't sure if I'd be content to all up and call this shit regular, but yeah bro, these are definitely pies on a more conventional motherfuckin sense.
TC: Just pulling a cherry motherfucker off the oven right now, gotta let that shit chill the fuck out in the windowsill for a spell.
TC: I was actually baking that shit all on honor for the happy new motherfuckin couple, being all honest and shit.
TC: Wanted to bake a motherfuckin cake, but that shit's way the mother fuck out of my skill level now, so I started with something simple.
TC: I figured the sis would dig it just on the motherfuckin color alone.
CG: OH.
CG: THAT'S
CG: NICE, I GUESS?
TC: Aw fuck, sorry, bro.
TC: Look at me all up and rubbing the granular ionic compound all down on that gaping motherfuckin wound of yours.
CG: NO, IT'S FINE.
CG: THIS IS TOO WEIRD TO MAKE ME ANGRY.
CG: WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU BAKING PIES?
TC: Well, ever since I all kicked the sopor like a motherfuckin hackey sack, I got all these empty pie tins and fuck all to do within them.
TC: Took that shit up to the consort village, looking to buy myself some fresh motherfuckin ingredients,
TC: But when I flashed a motherfuckin tin out, all these olms or whatever the fuck they are start flippin their shit off at me around some kind of motherfuckin quest.
TC: So now I'm up in this motherfuckin amphibian kitchen, baking down some motherfuckin pies up with all these rowdy motherfuckers.
CG: SERIOUSLY?
CG: WHAT KIND OF NOOKMUNCHINGLY IDIOTIC QUEST REQUIRES YOU TO BAKE PIES TO COMPLETE IT??
TC: Well, shit sounds simple enough. Bake fifty pies and turn all those motherfuckers in on the head chef.
TC: He's the one wearing the biggest, fanciest motherfuckin chef's hat.
TC: Or at least he was, until I up and ganked that shit.
TC: Now he's the only amphibious motherfucker in this victualblock what's gone unhaberdashed.
TC: He's still pretty mad on that particular issue, now that I'm all getting my think on about it.
TC: I don't suppose you all got any sort of replacement hat what I could give this rancorous motherfucker to make him get his calm on?
CG: UM
CG: WHY DON'T YOU JUST GIVE HIM HIS HAT BACK?
TC: Naw, I don't think you understand, motherfucker.
TC: This hat.
TC: This hat is a motherfuckin miracle all up on its motherfuckin self.
CG: UGH, FOR FUCK'S SAKE, FINE.
CG: AS A MATTER OF FACT, I THINK I DO HAVE A HAT SOMEWHERE IN THIS AWFUL SYLLADEX OF MINE.
CG: OKAY, HERE'S THE CODE
CG: MHaMotMC
TC: Okay, let me just punch that shit all up in my pocket holomiter.
TC: Awwwww shit, this is the hat what that angry motherfucker with the knives was all wearing, isn't it?
CG: IT WAS HIS SPARE, ACTUALLY
CG: HE GAVE IT TO ME AS A GIFT
CG: AND THEN HE STABBED ME
CG: BUT I'M PRETTY SURE THAT WAS A STAB OF APPROVAL.
TC: Hahaha, fuck yeah.
TC: Aw shit, I'm pretty motherfuckin sure this gourmet motherfucker approves over it most heartily.
TC: Says it makes him look hardboiled, and I'm pretty motherfuckin inclined on agreeing.
TC: Thanks on that shit, bro.
CG: YEAH, DON'T MENTION IT.
CG: BUT SERIOUSLY, WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STUPID QUEST?
CG: BECAUSE IT LOOKS TO ME TO BE AN INSULTINGLY BLATANT WASTE OF TIME.
TC: I was thinking all that particular shit up at first too, motherfucker, but apparently this shit's tied onto my Rage powers somehow.
TC: Thinkin on it, I guess it kind of makes motherfuckin sense.
TC: When I first got up in this victualblock, all these motherfuckin geckos or whatever the fuck they are were all wreckin some motherfuckin havoc up in this bitch.
TC: All screamin and hollerin and throwin motherfuckin flour and shit all every which motherfuckin possible way what shit can be thrown.
TC: But after I got here, I kinda got all these rowdy motherfuckers into control, and now we're crankin up pies like nobody's motherfuckin business.
TC: Shit's settled onto a pretty decent motherfuckin rhythm, bro.
TC: Maybe even decent enough to slam on...
CG: OH MY DEAR SWEET FUCK NO.
CG: GAMZEE, IF YOU START RAPPING, I AM LITERALLY GOING TO KILL MYSELF.
CG: I WILL TAKE OUT MY SICKLE AND DRAW IT ACROSS MY EAGER THROAT
CG: AND WITH MY DYING BREATHS, I WILL GATHER THE LIFEFORCE DRIPPING FROM MY JUGULAR INTO MY TREMBLING HANDS AND SCRAWL ONE FINAL CHILLING MESSAGE ONTO THE WALLS OF MY HIVE.
CG: AND THAT MESSAGE WILL BE
CG: "GAMZEE'S SHITTY POETRY MADE ME DO THIS."
TC: Shit, okay, bro, I won't start rapping on you.
TC: Ain't got to lose your shit all up under it.
CG: YES I DO.
TC: 'Sides, I'm trying to keep that shit private across me and Tavros.
TC: It's kind of a thing with us.
CG: UH
CG: SHOULD I EVEN ASK?
TC: I wouldn't, motherfucker.
CG: EEEUUUUGH.
TC: Anyway, you want a motherfuckin pie?
TC: I could all send the captcha code up at you and you could alchemize that shit up like it's fresh out the motherfuckin windowsill.
CG: YOU WANT TO SEND ME A PIE?
TC: Sure, bro.
TC: When a motherfucker's spirits are all being down, nothing warms that shit up away to Skaia like a warm, delicious slice of motherfuckin pie.
CG: UH
CG: OKAY, I GUESS
TC: What flavor were you all up and wanting, bro?
CG: FUCK, I DON'T KNOW.
CG: ANYTHING BUT CHERRY.
TC: Yeah, that shit needs some more time to get its motherfuckin chill on within the first place.
TC: Oh fuck, I know, I'll send you a motherfuckin apple rock and rye.
CG: APPLE WHAT?
TC: Here, I'll give you the motherfuckin captcha code.
TC: IDWtTtaS
CG: OKAY, GIVE ME A SECOND HERE.
CG: UH
CG: WOW
CG: HOLY SHIT.
CG: GAMZEE, THIS IS ACTUALLY REALLY GOOD.
TC: Haha, thanks, brother.
CG: IT'S LIKE
CG: THE CRUST IS ALL LIGHT AND FLAKY
CG: AND THEN THE FILLING IS ALL WARM AND GOOEY
CG: AND THERE'S DEFINITELY APPLES IN THERE
CG: BUT IT TASTES LIKE SOMETHING ELSE IS IN THERE, TOO.
CG: IT ALMOST TASTES LIKE
CG: ALCOHOL?
TC: Oh, that's just the secret motherfuckin ingredient.
CG: WHAT IS IT?
CG: FUCK, IT ISN'T SOPOR, IS IT?
TC: Nah, it ain't any such shit like that, motherfucker.
TC: Just a little personal tweak I all made to the recipe.
TC: Whereas it all calls for some simple syrup, I just replace that shit with some boiled up Faygo.
CG: HRKRFHFDJKGBDKSJHFSDGKKLJH
CG: FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK
CG: GAMZEE, WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU DO THAT????
CG: OH GOD, I
CG: I PUT THAT IN MY MOUTH!
CG: I FUCKING SWALLOWED IT!!!
CG: THAT CLOWNISH EFFLUVIA IS STEWING IN MY DIGESTION SAC AS WE FUCKING SPEAK!!!!!
CG: FUCKING SON OF A FUCK
CG: I'VE GOT TO GET IT OUT
CG: FUCK, HOW DO YOU INDUCE VOMITING AGAIN?
CG: YOU STICK LIKE TWO FINGERS DOWN YOUR PROTEIN CHUTE, RIGHT???
TC: Bro.
TC: I think you're motherfuckin overreacting.
CG: I'M NOT OVERREACTING, YOU TEN GALLON BARREL OF FUCK!
CG: THIS SHIT IS LIKE FUCKING BRAIN POISON
TC: Bro, it's just...
TC: It's just water and sugar.
TC: And some natural and artificial motherfuckin flavors, I guess.
CG: YOU THINK THIS IS FUNNY, ASSHOLE??
CG: YOU THINK IT'S SOME KIND OF BIG MOTHERFUCKING JOKE THAT YOU JUST TRIED TO FUCKING POISON ME WITH THIS TOXIC FUCKING SWILL???
CG: WELL YOU KNOW WHAT, FUCK YOU!
CG: FUCK YOU, AND FUCK ERIDAN, AND FUCK EVERY NOOKSCRAPING SACK OF PUSTULANT WHALE PHLEGM THAT EVER WILLINGLY POURED THAT FROTHING ELIXIR OF DESPAIR INTO HIS GAPING WINDHOLE!
CG: I HOPE EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU ASSHOLES GETS DIABETES, AND KANAYA IS FORCED TO REDUCE YOU ALL TO A BUNCH OF BLIND, TOOTHLESS TORSOS!
TC: Karkat.
CG: WHAT???
TC: You're kind of being an asshole right now.
TC: So calm the mother fuck down.
CG: I
CG: UH
CG: I AM BEING AN ASSHOLE, AREN'T I?
TC: Yeah, motherfucker.
CG: FUCK.
CG: OKAY, JUST
CG: UGH.
CG: SORRY.
TC: It's cool, bro.
CG: NO IT'S NOT FUCKING COOL.
CG: LIKE, I'M JUST
CG: I'M BASICALLY A COMPLETELY IRREDEEMABLE ASSHOLE.
CG: IT'S LIKE, BEFORE I KIND OF TOOK IT FOR GRANTED THAT ABOUT HALF OF MY FRIENDS WERE UNLOVABLE SOCIOPATHS
CG: WHICH MADE ME AT LEAST A SEMI-DECENT PERSON PRETTY MUCH BY DEFAULT
CG: BUT NOW NEPETA'S SHIPPING EVERYONE, AND VRISKA'S BEING ALL NICE, AND ERIDAN'S BEING ALL NOBLE
CG: AND FOR WHATEVER FUCKING REASON, YOU SOMEHOW BECAME SOMETHING MORE THAN A COMPLETE WASTE OF SPACE
CG: BUT I'M JUST MY SAME OLD FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT SELF
CG: AND NOW MY WHOLE "ANGRY SHOUTY GUY" SHTICK IS JUST FUELING PARADOX SPACE'S FASTEST SCUTTLEBUGGY IN A RACE TO THE BOTTOM OF THE FRIEND HEAP.
CG: I AM THE WORST GUY.
CG: IT'S ME.
TC: I don't know when it's all true what you're the worst motherfuckin guy, bro.
CG: REALLY?
CG: NAME ONE PERSON WORSE THAN ME.
TC: Well...
TC: Equius is still the same motherfuckin tool what he always was.
CG: HAHAHA, YEAH, THAT'S TRUE.
CG: OKAY, SO MAYBE I'M JUST THE SECOND WORST GUY.
CG: BUT THEY DON'T HAND OUT TROPHIES JUST FOR NOT BEING IN LAST.
TC: Nah, I guess not.
TC: Still, ain't no motherfuckin place to go off the bottom but up.
CG: YEAH, I GUESS
CG: BUT WHERE DO I EVEN START?
CG: IT'S LIKE
CG: NO OFFENSE, GAMZEE, BUT YOU USED TO BE JUST A COMPLETELY WORTHLESS PIECE OF SHIT.
CG: BUT NOW YOU'RE
CG: THE EXACT OPPOSITE OF THAT?
CG: HOW THE FUCK DID YOU PULL THAT OFF?
TC: It was all within the help of my motherfuckin friends, bro.
TC: Ain't none of this shit would've been possible excluding the motherfuckin help of Tavros and Eridan.
TC: And shit, can't up and leave off the initial motherfuckin meddling from the catsister making all that shit go up on the first place.
CG: WELL
CG: THAT KIND OF MAKES SENSE, I GUESS.
TC: Maybe you could all enlist her motherfuckin help on yourself, bro.
CG: WHAT?
CG: WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
TC: I mean, get that lady to work her shipping magic all up on you.
TC: All find you a motherfuckin matesprit and a motherfuckin moirail.
CG: I
CG: UH
CG: I CAN'T REALLY TALK TO HER.
TC: Why the mother fuck not?
CG: I JUST
CG: I CAN'T, OKAY?
TC: Well, shit, if you say so.
TC: Still, it might all be in your motherfuckin benefit to find yourself a motherfuckin moirail anyway.
CG: LIKE WHO, EXACTLY?
CG: THE WELL IS KIND OF DRYING UP, GAMZEE, AND ALL THE REAL PSYCHOPATHS HAVE BEEN TAKEN ALREADY.
CG: WHO DOES THAT LEAVE ME WITH?
CG: ARADIA, MAYBE?
CG: IS SHE STILL RANDOMLY DESTROYING SHIT?
TC: Uh...
CG: WELL, I GUESS THERE'S SOLLUX TOO
CG: BUT UGH.
CG: I DON'T THINK I COULD MAKE IT THROUGH A FEELINGS JAM WITH THAT GUY WITHOUT PUNCHING HIM IN HIS SMUG MUTANT FACE.
CG: SERIOUSLY, I'M PRETTY MUCH OUT OF OPTIONS HERE.
TC: Uh, bro?
CG: WHAT
TC: Why are you all just motherfuckin assuming your moirail's got to be a dangerous motherfucker?
CG: BECAUSE, GAMZEE
CG: I'M A BORN CONCILIATOR.
CG: IF I'M GOING TO BE IN A MOIRALLEGIANCE, I'M GOING TO BE THE ONE DOING ALL THE SHOOSHING AND PAPPING, OKAY?
CG: THAT'S JUST HOW IT WORKS.
TC: Well...
TC: What if it wasn't?
CG: WHAT.
TC: What if you were the rowdy motherfucker what needed pacifying via some other calm, collected brother or sister?
CG: GAMZEE, I DON'T THINK YOU GET THIS.
CG: I AM THE TROLL MEL GIBSON TO NO MAN'S TROLL DANNY GLOVER.
CG: IF ANYONE IS GOING TO BE TROLL DANNY GLOVER, IT'S GOING TO BE ME.
TC: Uhhh...
TC: What?
CG: YOU KNOW, THE TROLL DANNY GLOVER TO SOMEBODY'S TROLL MEL GISBON?
CG: THE TROLL JACKIE CHAN TO THEIR TROLL CHRIS TUCKER?
CG: THE COMBINED TROLL JUDGE REINHOLD AND TROLL JOHN ASHTON TO THEIR TROLL EDDIE MURPHY?
CG: ARE YOU HONESTLY TELLING ME YOU'VE NEVER SEEN A PALE ROMANTIC COMEDY IN YOUR ENTIRE POINTLESS LIFE???
TC: Uh, not really?
CG: LOOK, THE POINT IS, I HAVE ABSOLUTELY ZERO INTEREST IN BEING IN A MOIRALLEGIANCE WHERE I'M THE ONE BEING KEPT IN LINE.
TC: Shit's not as bad as it motherfuckin sounds, bro.
TC: It's just when your shit gets up and wound too motherfuckin tight, you've got a motherfucker there what can unwind it.
TC: You sure you wouldn't be all interested on that?
TC: Maybe getting all up in a pile with the motherfuckin fish princess and glubbing your problems away?
CG: FEFERI? ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?
CG: I KIND OF CAN'T STAND HER.
CG: TALKING TO HER IS LIKE A CHTHONIC TENTACLE FORCING RAW SUGAR DOWN MY UNWILLING GULLET WHILE A SCHOOL OF UNDULATING HORRORS SING A DELIGHTFUL CHORUS ON THE POWER OF LOVE AND FRIENDSHIP.
CG: OH GOD, I CAN FEEL ITS SLIMY, UNCTUOUS THRASHING IN MY THROAT JUST THINKING OF THE SOUND OF HER VOICE.
TC: Uh...
TC: Okay, well what around the fairy grubmother?
CG: WHO?
TC: Kanaya.
CG: THAT'S A TERRIBLE NICKNAME, IDIOT.
TC: Well, fuck, they can't all be motherfuckin winners.
TC: But still, I could see you and her all gettin motherfuckin cozy while she up and gets her meddle on all up under you.
CG: OKAY, LET ME MAKE SOMETHING CLEAR RIGHT THE FUCK NOW:
CG: I AM NOT INTERESTED IN THE FUCKING SLIGHTEST IN SOME FLIGHTY BROAD DOTING OVER ME LIKE A FRESHLY HATCHED GRUB, OKAY?
CG: I'M NOT ABOUT TO SPILL MY GUTS TO KANAYA ABOUT ALL MY EMOTIONAL BAGGAGE AND LET HER DEFUSE ALL MY STUPID LITTLE HANGUPS WITH ALL HER "LOGIC" AND "REASONING" HORSESHIT.
CG: AND I CERTAINLY DON'T WANT TO LAY IN A PILE WITH HER AND LET HER COO AFFIRMATIONS INTO MY EAR AS SHE SLOWLY RUBS THE BASE OF MY HORNS, SENDING WAVES OF RELAXATION COURSING THROUGHOUT MY ENTIRE BODY.
CG: I DON'T WANT THAT.
CG: SERIOUSLY.
TC: You don't.
CG: I DON'T.
CG: AND EVEN IF I DID, I COULDN'T HAVE IT.
TC: Now, just what the mother fuck makes you up and say that shit?
CG: LOOK, I'M THE LEADER, OKAY?
CG: IF I HAD A MOIRAIL TRYING TO KEEP ME IN CHECK, JUST WHAT THE FUCK WOULD THAT SAY ABOUT ME?
CG: IT'D SAY I WAS CRAZY, AND STUPID
CG: AND WEAK
CG: AND EVERYBODY WOULD JUST
CG: THEY'D LOSE ALL RESPECT FOR ME.
TC: I don't think that's true, bro.
TC: Every motherfucker needs help sometimes.
TC: Ain't like you've got to be perfect or any shit as that.
CG: YES I DO!
CG: I'M SUPPOSED TO BE SETTING AN EXAMPLE HERE.
CG: EVERYBODY IS LOOKING UP TO ME.
CG: EVERYBODY IS COUNTING ON ME.
CG: AND IF I HAVE A MOIRAIL KEEPING ME ON A LEASH, IT'S LIKE
CG: IT'S ADMITTING I DON'T HAVE WHAT IT TAKES.
CG: AND I CAN'T DO THAT.
CG: I WON'T.
TC: I don't know, motherfucker.
TC: I can't think of any motherfucker what would all judge you in this.
TC: I wouldn't, on any case.
CG: LOOK, GAMZEE
CG: I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT THIS, OKAY?
CG: ESPECIALLY NOT TO YOU.
TC: What's that shit mean, "especially not to me?"
CG: IT'S
CG: NEVERMIND, JUST FORGET IT.
TC: Alright, fine, motherfucker.
TC: But I'm just tryin to help and shit.
CG: WELL, THANKS FOR YOUR HELP, BUT I DON'T NEED YOUR HELP.
TC: If that's how you're all feelin, I guess there ain't much shit I can all do on that.
TC: But still, think over that shit.
CG: FINE, WHATEVER.
TC: Anyway, I know you're still all broken the mother fuck out under this shit across you and the dragonsis...
TC: But please don't blame my motherfuckin palebro on it.
TC: The only reason he went through on this shit is cause he was convinced you wouldn't take it so hard.
TC: And he feels like a proper piece of shit what for being as wrong like he was over it.
CG: WELL, IF I DON'T BLAME HIM, THEN JUST WHO AM I SUPPOSED TO BLAME?
TC: Well, it ain't my motherfuckin place what to tell you who to get your motherfuckin blame on towards.
TC: Just don't blame Eridan.
CG: WELL
CG: I GUESS TEREZI'S THE ONE WHO AGREED TO IT.
TC: Yeah, I guess.
CG: OKAY, FINE.
CG: I'LL ADMIT I SHOLDN'T BE AS ANGRY AT HIM ABOUT THIS AS I AM
CG: BUT I CAN'T JUST GO APOLOGIZE TO HIM.
CG: NOT SO SOON AFTER WHAT HAPPENED.
TC: Alright, motherfucker, I get it.
CG: BUT JUST
CG: TELL HIM I'M NOT THAT MAD, OKAY?
CG: AT LEAST, NOT AT HIM.
TC: Sure thing, bro.
TC: But if he could all talk at you under privacy, he'd be the motherfucker what wanted to apologize at you.
CG: I'M WELL AWARE OF THAT.
CG: BUT I'M NOT IN THE MOOD TO BE APOLOGIZED TO RIGHT NOW.
TC: Yeah, I get you, bro.
CG: YOU'RE A GOOD MOIRAIL, GAMZEE.
TC: I'm just all lookin the mother fuck out for my palebro cause he's lookin out for me.
TC: Every motherfucker's got an important job to do.
CG: YEAH, MAYBE.
TC: Hey, I know my business probably still hasn't incorporated this shit onto its motherfuckin portfolio...
TC: But is there any other motherfucker what you're flushing on?
CG: WHAT?
CG: WHY DO YOU CARE?
TC: Cause I'd have a serious motherfuckin problem if my palebro just snatched off the only troll what my best platonic friend's ever been flushed for.
CG: WELL
CG: UH
TC: What?
CG: NEVERMIND, JUST FORGET IT.
TC: Forget it.
CG: YEAH, I JUST
CG: I SHOULDN'T BE TALKING ABOUT THIS.
TC: So there is another motherfucker you're flushed over.
CG: OKAY, MAYBE THERE IS.
TC: So who is it?
CG: THAT'S STILL PRECISELY NONE OF YOUR FUCKING BUSINESS.
TC: Yeah, I guess the mother fuck not.
TC: But still, seems like you could use another motherfucker what to talk around that shit toward.
CG: WELL
CG: ALRIGHT, LOOK
CG: CAN YOU JUST HEAR ME OUT HERE FOR A SECOND?
TC: Sure, motherfucker, lay that shit down.
CG: OKAY.
CG: LET'S SAY, HYPOTHETICALLY SPEAKING
CG: THERE'S A TROLL
CG: AND LET'S SAY THIS TROLL HAS HAD RED FEELINGS FOR YOU IN THE PAST.
CG: AND THEY'VE TRIED TO KEEP IT A SECRET, BUT YOU JUST SORT OF DEDUCED IT ON YOUR OWN.
CG: YOU WITH ME SO FAR?
TC: Yeah, bro.
CG: OKAY, SO YOU KNOW THIS TROLL, AND YOU KNOW THEY'VE GOT FEELINGS FOR YOU, BUT YOU DON'T RECIPROCATE.
CG: BECAUSE THIS TROLL IS JUST A STONE COLD RETARDED FUCKING IDIOT, AND YOU ARE JUST UTTERLY INCAPABLE OF RESPECTING THEM.
CG: DOES THAT MAKE SENSE?
TC: Uh...
TC: Shit, I guess so.
CG: ALRIGHT, SO THAT'S IN THE PAST.
CG: BUT NOW, IN THE PRESENT DAY, THINGS ARE DIFFERENT.
CG: LIKE, PRACTICALLY OVERDAY, THIS TROLL HAS GONE FROM DROOLING IDIOT TO INSANE, HYPERCOMPETENT BADASS.
CG: AND NOW, OH LOOK AT THAT, NOW YOU'RE RETURNING ALL THOSE RED FEELINGS PRETTY FUCKING HARD.
CG: BUT THEY'RE SO MUCH SMARTER AND MORE MATURE NOW, YOU HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA IF THEY STILL FEEL THE SAME WAY ABOUT YOU.
CG: AND TO MAKE MATTERS WORSE, YOU LOSE YOUR SHIT AND COMPLETELY FLIP OUT AT THEM IN A REALLY EMBARRASSING AND STUPID WAY, AND YOU'RE PRETTY SURE THEY'VE NOW LOST ALL RESPECT FOR YOU ENTIRELY.
TC: Um...
CG: WHAT
TC: Just a quick motherfuckin question, bro.
CG: WHAT IS IT?
TC: Is this, uh, troll you're talking around...
TC: Already in the quadrant you're motherfuckin speaking on?
CG: NO.
TC: Oh.
TC: Shit, okay.
TC: Thought you might have been talking over something competely motherfuckin different there.
CG: LIKE WHAT?
TC: Nah, it doesn't matter.
TC: Keep on at your motherfuckin story, bro.
CG: THAT'S PRETTY MUCH THE WHOLE STORY, HONESTLY.
TC: Okay, so...
TC: What's the moral?
CG: WELL, I GUESS I'M JUST WONDERING
CG: IS THAT WEIRD?
TC: Not that motherfuckin weird, bro.
TC: If this hypothetical troll all changed as you're motherfuckin sayin they did, it's pretty motherfuckin understandable.
CG: YEAH, BUT
CG: COULD IT EVER HAPPEN?
CG: IS IT EVEN POSSIBLE FOR ME TO SALVAGE THIS?
TC: Can't say without knowin more, motherfucker.
TC: You'd have to talk at them over it.
CG: WELL, I CAN'T JUST TALK TO HER.
CG: OR HIM.
CG: HER OR HIM.
CG: THAT'S A PERFECTLY NORMAL GRAMMATICAL CONSTRUCT, SHUT UP.
TC: I didn't say a motherfuckin thing, bro.
CG: YEAH, BUT YOU WERE GOING TO.
TC: You don't know that shit.
TC: I could've just all assumed one of the particulars on the Alternian language was giving you some serious motherfuckin trouble.
TC: Pronouns are kind of a bitch.
TC: I personally get all my problems on under prepositions, man.
TC: It's like...
TC: Fuckin prepositions.
TC: How do they work???
CG: HAHA, WHATEVER.
CG: ANYWAY, I DON'T KNOW.
CG: MAYBE THIS WHOLE THING IS A STUPID IDEA, ANYWAY.
CG: I DON'T EVEN KNOW IF SHE'D GO FOR IT.
TC: She or he.
CG: RIGHT, SHE OR HE.
TC: Anyway, I wouldn't give up over that shit, bro.
TC: If you're honestly motherfuckin flushed to her or him, you should seriously motherfuckin think on it.
CG: YEAH
CG: YOU'RE PROBABLY RIGHT.
TC: Shit, you could even talk on Nepeta over it.
TC: The catsis could probably all set up some kind of motherfuckin shippin gambit what could sweep this sister or brother right the fuck over her or his motherfuckin feet.
CG: UH
CG: YEAH, I'LL THINK ABOUT IT.
TC: Yeah, bro, just think on that shit.
TC: Ain't no motherfuckin harm what in thinkin under it.
CG: YEAH, I GUESS NOT.
TC: Anyway, thanks for hearin me the mother fuck out, bro.
TC: Means a lot on me and my palebro both.
CG: HEY, DON'T THANK ME.
CG: IF ANYTHING, I'M THE ONE WHO SHOULD BE THANKING YOU.
CG: I PRETTY STRONGLY FUCKING SUSPECT THAT THERE AREN'T THAT MANY TROLLS THAT ARE WILLING TO TALK TO ME AT THIS POINT.
TC: Nah, motherfucker, it's cool.
TC: Just lookin out over my best platonic motherfuckin friend.
CG: RIGHT.
TC: Anyway, I've gotta sign the mother fuck away.
TC: Shit's startin to get a little motherfuckin hectic again all up on this victualblock.
CG: YEAH, OKAY.
CG: THANKS AGAIN FOR THE PIE, BY THE WAY.
CG: IT'S DELICIOUS COMPLETELY IN SPITE OF THE FACT THAT YOU PUT YOUR HORRIBLE CLOWN DRINK IN IT.
TC: Hahahaha, yeah, no problem, bro.
TC: If you're ever lookin after another motherfuckin recipe, hit me the mother fuck up.
CG: YEAH, SURE.
CG: ANYWAY
CG: SEE YOU AROUND, I GUESS?
TC: Sure thing, best platonic motherfuckin friend.
TC: Anyway, gotta go.
TC: But good luck on all that quadrant shit of yours.
CG: YEAH, THANKS.
CG: ANYWAY, BYE, GAMZEE.
TC: Bye, Karbro.
TC: And bangarang, motherfucker.
CG: WHAT?

terminallyCapricious [TC] ceased trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG].

CG: WHAT THE FUCK DOES BANGARANG MEAN?
CG: UGH, NEVERMIND.

carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling terminallyCapricious [TC].

***

gallowsCalibrator [GC] began trolling caligulasAquarium [CA]

GC: H3Y
CA: oh hey ter
CA: you done wwith your thing wwith kan
GC: NO >8/
GC: W3 JUST SORT OF H1T 4 LULL
GC: SH3S 1N TH3 M1DDL3 OF SOM3TH1NG W1TH N3P3T4
GC: SO 1M JUST K1ND OF S1TT1NG H3R3
GC: 4ND 1 W4S L1K3
GC: FUCK 1T
CA: ha yeah i get you
GC: SO WH4T 4R3 YOU UP TO?
CA: eh yknoww
CA: just sorta hangin around at the hivve
CA: drinkin a faygo
CA: usual stuff
GC: SOUNDS PR3TTY BOR1NG
CA: yeah wwell
CA: not really in the mood to do anything
GC: UGH
GC: 4R3 YOU ST1LL 4LL MOP3Y OV3R K4RKL3S?
CA: course im still mopey ovver kar
CA: the guy wwas like my best fuckin friend an noww he pretty much wwants to wwrite me outta his life completely
CA: wwhich is perfectly understandable seein as i pretty much stabbed him in the back as hard as any motherfucker can be stabbed in that particular fuckin area
GC: UGH, STOP 1T
GC: H3S JUST B31NG 4N 4SSHOL3
CA: maybe he is but hes perfectly justified in it
CA: i mean howw wwould you feel if you wwere flushed for somebody an your best friend just swwept em out from under you
GC: YOU D1DNT SW33P M3 OUT FROM UND3R H1M!!!
CA: fuck ok dont take that metaphor literally
GC: 1 W4SNT UND3R H1M 1N 4NY S3NS3!
GC: F1GUR4T1V3LY OR L1T3R4LLY
CA: yeah i knoww
CA: but there are rules about this kinda thing
GC: 3R1D4N, LOOK
GC: H3 H4D 3V3RY OPPORTUN1TY TO B3 MY M4T3SPR1T
GC: HON3STLY, 1F H3 JUST 4SK3D, 1 PROB4BLY WOULD H4V3 S41D Y3S
GC: BUT H3 D1DNT
GC: SO FUCK H1M
GC: YOU SNOOZ3 YOU LOS3
CA: yeah its easy to just say that but
CA: it doesnt feel right yknoww
GC: NO 1 DONT KNOW >8[
GC: WH4T DO YOU M34N, 1T DO3SNT F33L R1GHT?
CA: wwell
CA: its not that i dont like you or anythin
CA: i mean hell i like you a lot
CA: an im just kind of assumin you like me too
GC: OF COURS3 1 DO!
CA: but i mean
CA: an i realize this is gonna sound stupid as all fuckin hell
CA: but before noww all these matesprits thatvve been hookin up havve been all about unrequited lovve wwinnin out
CA: an this is the first time its lost
CA: an its like
CA: im the guy that defeated it
CA: so wwhat the fuck kinda asshole does that make me
GC: OK4Y
GC: TH4T 1S K1ND OF STUP1D
CA: yeah i knoww but still
GC: W3LL
GC: 1F UNR3QU1T3D LOV3 W3R3 M34NT TO W1N OUT 3V3RY T1M3
GC: TH3N YOUD B3 M4T3SPR1TS W1TH F3F3R1 R1GHT NOW
CA: eh
CA: thats a point i guess
CA: its just
CA: it still kinda feels wwrong
CA: i mean not us specifically
CA: just me bein so successful in the romance department an kar bein left in the provverbial dust
GC: WHY?
CA: wwell
CA: i alwways just kinda figured hed be the successful one
CA: and id be the guy wwho ended up forevver alone
CA: like if life wwere a play evverybody else wwould end up becomin matesprits
CA: and id be the vvillain that exited pursued by a cholerbear
GC: WOW
GC: S3R1OUSLY?
CA: yep
GC: 3R1D4N
GC: YOU 4R3 JUST L1K3
GC: TH3 MOST 1NS3CUR3 GUY
CA: ugh believve me i knoww
GC: 1M NOT S4Y1NG 1TS 4 B4D TH1NG
GC: 1TS K1ND OF 4DOR4BL3 4CTU4LLY <3
GC: BUT HON3STLY
GC: L1F3 1S NOT 4 PL4Y
GC: 4ND 3V3N 1F 1T W3R3, WHO S4YS YOU WOULD B3 TH3 V1LL41N?
GC: YOUR3 TH3 ON3 WHOS GROW1NG 4ND D3V3LOP1NG 4S 4 CH4R4CT3R
GC: 4ND K4RKL3S 1S JUST B31NG H1S S4M3 OLD 1D1OT S3LF
GC: 1F 4NYTH1NG, H3S TH3 V1LL41N
CA: wwhat
CA: howw is kar the fuckin vvillain here
CA: im the one wwho fucked evverythin up
CA: wwhen i hooked up wwith you i just completely wwrecked things betwween me an him
CA: not to mention almost wwreckin things betwween you an nep too
GC: BL4R TH1S 1S SO STUP1D!!
GC: NON3 OF THOS3 TH1NGS 4R3 3V3N YOUR F4ULT
GC: TH3Y ONLY H4PP3N3D B3C4US3 K4RK4T 1S 4 SOR3 LOS3R
GC: 3MPH4S1S ON LOS3R >8]
CA: but youll admit all this happened cause wwe became matesprits
GC: W3LL Y34H
GC: BUT YOU C4NT CL41M SOL3 R3SPONS1B1L1TY FOR TH4T
GC: 1M TH3 ON3 WHO CHOS3 TO B3COM3 YOUR M4T3SPR1T, 4M 1 NOT?
CA: wwell
CA: yeah i guess
GC: SO 1F K4RKL3S HON3STLY H4S TO BL4M3 SOM3ON3 FOR TH1S
GC: H3 SHOULD B3 BL4M1NG M3
GC: 1 DONT G1V3 4 SH1T 1F H3 H4T3S M3
CA: uh
CA: about that ter
GC: WH4T
CA: noww im not tryin to accuse you of anythin here
CA: but on that last memo it seems like you wwere really goin after him
GC: OF COURS3 1 W4S!
GC: W3 W3R3 H4V1NG 4 P3RF3CTLY WOND3RFUL T1M3 ON TH4T M3MO
GC: 4ND TH3N H3 BURSTS 1N 4ND ST4RTS 1NSULTING YOU 4ND M3 BOTH
CA: wwell yeah
GC: BUT TH3 WORST P4RT 1S
GC: H3 M4D3 TH3 WHOL3 TH1NG 4BOUT H1MS3LF
GC: L1K3
GC: H3 HON3STLY TH1NKS 1 HOOK3D UP W1TH YOU 4S SOM3 SORT OF RUS3 JUST TO FUCK W1TH H1S H34D
GC: 1 M34N S3R1OUSLY
GC: JUST HOW N4RC1SS1ST1C DO YOU 3V3N H4V3 TO B3 JUST TO TH1NK SOM3TH1NG L1K3 TH4T........
CA: uh
GC: NO TH4TS NOT WH4T 1M DO1NG!!!!!!
CA: hey i didnt say anythin
GC: BUT YOU W3R3 GO1NG TO, W3R3NT YOU?
CA: i object
CA: thats a leadin question
GC: OV3RRUL3D >8]
CA: wwell then i object to your ovverrulin my objection
GC: YOU C4NT DO TH4T TH4TS NOT HOW 1T WORKS!!!
CA: i dont care
CA: point a fact is im not answwerin your stupid question
GC: F1N3, CONS1D3R 1T W1THDR4WN
CA: but honestly ter
CA: i think you wwere bein really hard on him
CA: an im not tryin to pin this wwhole thing on you
CA: but i think you mightvve contributed to things escalatin the wway they did
GC: W3LL
GC: Y34H, TH4TS PROB4BLY TRU3
GC: BUT HON3STLY
GC: 1 JUST W4NT K4RK4T TO G3T OV3R M3
CA: wwhat
CA: wwhy
GC: WHY WOULDNT 1?
GC: 1F H3S FLUSH3D FOR M3, 4LL 1TS GO1NG TO DO 1S COMPL1C4T3 TH1NGS
GC: 1 DONT W4NT TO PL4Y TH3 ROL3 OF F3F3R1 ST4V1NG OFF PR3-SH1PP1NG YOU
GC: NO OFF3NS3
CA: haha no i get it
GC: 4NYW4Y
GC: 1 JUST TH1NK 3V3RYON3 1NVOLV3D WOULD B3 B3TT3R OFF 1F H3 W3R3 FLUSH3D FOR SOM3BODY 3LS3
GC: SO 1 D3C1D3D TO T4K3 MYS3LF OUT OF TH3 R4C3 TH3 MOST 3FF3CT1V3 W4Y 1 KNOW HOW
CA: just burn the bridge completely huh
GC: Y34H, PR3TTY MUCH
CA: i suppose its one wway a doin things
CA: thinkin about it the split wwith fef mightvve gone smoother if shed followwed your modus operandi for terminatin things wwith me
CA: but i guess shes just not a vvery hateful person
GC: 1 GU3SS NOT
GC: BUT 4NYW4Y, 3NOUGH 4BOUT K4RKL3S
GC: 1 DONT W4NT 3V3RY FUCK1NG CONV3RS4T1ON 1 H4V3 TO B3 4BOUT H1M
CA: yeah ok
CA: sorry for bein such a fuckin tool ovver this
GC: 1TS F1N3, 1 G3T 1T
CA: its just
CA: i feel like ivve got to choose betwween you an him
CA: an it fuckin sucks
GC: 1M NOT M4K1NG YOU CHOOS3 B3TW33N 4NYBODY
GC: K4RK4TS TH3 ON3 B31NG 4 DOUCH3 H3R3
CA: eh
CA: maybe
GC: H3 JUST DO3S TH1S SOM3T1M3S
GC: JUST G1V3 H1M SOM3 T1M3
GC: H3LL 3V3NTU4LLY R34L1Z3 WH4T 4N 4SSHOL3 H3S B31NG 4ND COM3 RUNN1NG B4CK TO 4POLOG1Z3 TO YOU
CA: wwell
CA: thats the best i can hope for i guess
CA: anywway i talked it ovver wwith gam an he said hed take care a things wwith kar
CA: wwhatevver that means
GC: 1S 1T TOO MUCH TO HOP3 FOR 4 SUBJUGGL4T1ON? >8]
CA: ter please
GC: 1M JUST K1DD1NG, J3GUS
CA: yeah i knoww but still
CA: anywway havve things progressed ovver there at all
GC: K1ND OF
GC: N3P3T4S ST4ND1NG H3R3 1N H3R UND3RW34R WH1L3 K4N4Y4 T4K3S H3R M34SUR3M3NTS
CA: wwhat
GC: 1 DONT KNOW WHY SH3S M4K1NG M3 W4TCH TH1S
GC: BUT 1M NOT COMPL41N1NG
GC: N3P3T4 H4S 4 N1C3 BUTT >8]
CA: yeah she does
CA: evven though shes wwearin that ratty old coat all the time its pretty obvvious
CA: just the wway it wwiggles around wwith that little sashay a hers
CA: hey youvve got a camera or somethin right you should send me a feww candid photos a that
GC: >8/
GC: OK4Y 3R1D4N
GC: JUST FOR TH3 R3CORD
GC: 1TS R34LLY B4D FORM TO 4SK YOUR M4T3SPR1T TO S3ND YOU P1CTUR3S OF 4NOTH3R TROLLS BUTT
GC: 3V3N 1F 1T 1S 4 R34LLY N1C3 BUTT
CA: oh cmon its not like im lookin for another matesprit
CA: and evven if i wwas nep is the last troll id turn to
GC: H3H3H3, F41R 3NOUGH
GC: OK4Y F1N3
GC: H3R3 YOU GO
-- gallowsCalibrator [GC] sent caligulasAquarium [CA] the file "TH3POUNC3LLORSP4TOOT13.jpg" --
CA: patootie
CA: seariously
GC: 1TS C4LL3D 4LL1T3R4T1ON
GC: SO SHUT UP >8P
CA: haha wwhatevver
CA: but anywway
CA: that is indeed a fine fuckin derriere if i do say so myself
CA: its kinda surprisin actually
CA: like from the wwaist up shes really trim
CA: and then BAM thunder thighs outta fuckin nowwhere
GC: Y34H, SH3S 4LW4YS RUNN1NG 4ND JUMP1NG 4ND POUNC1NG
GC: SO SH3 H4S 4 LOT OF LOW3R BODY STR3NGTH
CA: yeah she must
CA: good lord it must be firm
CA: but wwith just enough givve yknoww
GC: BL4R OK4Y 3NOUGH!!
GC: STOP T4LK1NG 4BOUT N3P3T4S BUTT!!!
CA: wwhat are you gettin jealous
CA: wwould you rather i talk about your butt instead
GC: >8O
GC: NO!!!!
CA: cmon ter dont be embarrassed
CA: youre a mermaid you should be proud
GC: 4 M3RM41D?
CA: oh right i guess thats not really a common expression amongst landdwwellers
CA: but yknoww a mermaid
CA: seadwweller from the wwaist dowwn
GC: UUUGH
GC: TH4T 1S SO T3RR1BL3 >8P
CA: hey i didnt make the terminology i just use it ok
CA: anywway it just so happens im a man wwho can showw a little appreciation for a plush rump like yours
CA: bounce a caegar off it
CA: its not goin anywwhere
CA: in fact i bet that coinll take a nice nap there
GC: OK4Y OK4Y STOP
GC: 4LL OF TH1S BUTTCH4T 1S M4K1NG M3 1NCR3D1BLY FLUST3R3D
GC: 4ND 1M B3G1NN1NG TO C4CKL3 MOR3 TH4N 1 C4N G3N3R4LLY G3T 4W4Y W1TH
GC: 1TS ST4RT1NG TO 4ROUS3 SUSP1C1ON
CA: is it arousin anything else
GC: OK4Y COMM3NTS L1K3 TH4T R34LLY 4R3NT H3LP1NG!!!!
CA: ok ok buttchat is ovver
CA: so
CA: wwhat are wwe talkin about noww
GC: 1 DONT KNOW
CA: wwell
CA: hey i actually wwanted to ask you somethin
GC: WH4T
CA: yknoww that thing wwith ar on the last memo
GC: Y34H
CA: wwhat wwas the deal wwith that
GC: WH4T DO YOU M34N, WH4T W4S TH3 D34L W1TH 1T?
GC: 1 4SK3D H3R TO G1V3 YOU TH3 T4LK
GC: 4ND SH3 D1D
CA: an you dont think theres anythin at all unusual about that
GC: WHY SHOULD TH3R3 B3?
CA: oh for fucks sake ter youre bein deliberately obtuse here
CA: i mean i dont knoww wwhat the wwhole deal wwith ar is
CA: but i knoww shes a ghost in a robot or some shit like that an she doesnt talk to anybody but that swweaty asshole eq
CA: so wwhy the fuck is she takin requests from you
GC: W3LL
GC: W3V3 K1ND OF B33N T4LK1NG R3C3NTLY
CA: really
CA: about wwhat
GC: W31RD T1M3 SH1T, MOSTLY
GC: TH3R3S SOM3TH1NG STR4NG3 GO1NG ON 1N TH1S T1M3L1N3
GC: 1TS 4PP4R3NTLY DOOM3D
GC: BUT 1TS NOT G3TT1NG D3STROY3D L1K3 DOOM3D T1M3L1N3S USU4LLY DO
CA: wwait wwhat
CA: wwere fuckin doomed
CA: god fuckin DAMNIT i shouldvve fuckin knowwn
CA: the one timeline wwhere i actually get a matesprit is completely fucked ovver by the fuckin time gods or wwhatevver
GC: 1TS NOT 4S B4D 4S 1T SOUNDS!
GC: SOM3TH1NGS HOLD1NG US 4LL B4CK FROM D3STRUCT1ON
GC: BUT 4R4D14 1SNT SUR3 WH4T 1T 1S
GC: OR WHY 1TS DO1NG 1T, FOR TH4T M4TT3R
CA: yeah but so wwhat
CA: wwere still doomed arent wwe wwhat fuckin difference does it make
GC: 1M NOT SUR3 Y3T
GC: BUT W3 M1GHT ST1LL H4V3 4 CH4NC3
CA: hmm
CA: so wwhy are you helpin her
GC: B3C4US3 1 C4N!
GC: NOBODY 3LS3 R34LLY G3TS 4LL TH1S T1M3 STUFF
GC: 4ND 4NYW4Y
GC: 1 L1K3 H3LP1NG H3R
GC: 4ND 1T S33MS L1K3 NOBODY 3LS3 R34LLY C4R3S 4BOUT H3R
GC: SH3 MUST B3 R34LLY LON3LY
CA: wwait
CA: ter
CA: are you
GC: OK4Y F1N3 1LL 4DM1T 1T!
GC: 1 4M SO COMPL3T3LY P4L3 FOR TH1S D34D ROBOT G1RL TH4T 1 HON3STLY DONT KNOW WH4T TO DO 4BOUT 1T!!!!
CA: oh
CA: uh
CA: ok
GC: BL4R, SORRY
GC: 1S TH4T W31RD?
CA: ter youre talkin to a guy wwhos palepals wwith a fuckin clowwn
CA: course i dont think its fuckin wweird
GC: Y34H, F41R 3NOUGH >8P
GC: BUT S3R1OUSLY THOUGH
GC: 1M NOT R34LLY SUR3 WH4T TO DO
CA: you could just talk to her
GC: 1 GU3SS
GC: BUT 1 DONT 3V3N KNOW 1F SH3 C4R3S 4BOUT QU4DR4NTS
GC: L1K3 1 KNOW SH3 H4S H3R WHOL3 TH1NG W1TH 3QU1US
GC: BUT SH3S N3V3R V3RY 3NTHUS14ST1C 4BOUT TH4T
CA: wwell
CA: you could talk to nep about it i guess
GC: 1 4LR34DY D1D
GC: SH3S TH3 ON3 WHO SUGG3ST3D W3 B3 MO1R41LS 1N TH3 F1RST PL4C3
GC: 4ND NOW 1 C4NT STOP TH1NK1NG 4BOUT 1T
CA: course thats wwhat it fuckin is
CA: nep implantin a shippin vvirus into your fuckin think pan
GC: SH3 R34LLY 1S QU1T3 D3V1OUS
CA: man tell me about it
CA: anywway i dont really knoww shit about ar and i dont knoww anybody wwho does
CA: so i guess all i can tell you is to talk to ar
CA: but i mean you dont havve to straight up ask her to be moirails
CA: just test the wwaters a little
CA: check if shes interested in quadrants in general
GC: Y34H
GC: TH4TS PROB4BLY 4 GOOD 1D34
GC: TH4NKS 3R1D4N
CA: yeah dont mention it
CA: but hey speakin a quadrants
CA: you givven any consideration to a kismesis
GC: >8?
GC: WHY DO YOU 4SK?
CA: just curious is all
CA: ivve alwways had a fascination wwith the black quadrant in particular
CA: just wwonderin if there wwas anybody you wwere thinkin about
GC: 3H
GC: NOT R34LLY
CA: really not anybody
GC: W3LL
GC: OK4Y
GC: PROM1S3 YOU WONT T3LL 4NYBODY TH1S?
CA: absolute fuckin confidentiality i guarantee you
GC: OK4Y
GC: TH3 TRUTH 1S
GC: 1 W4S K1ND OF BL4CK FOR VR1SK4
CA: oh
GC: 1 ST1LL 4M 4 L1TTL3, 4CTU4LLY
GC: BUT 1TS OBV1OUS SH3 DO3SNT H4T3 M3 4NYMOR3
GC: WH1CH S33MS 4 L1TTL3 W31RD, HON3STLY >8/
GC: L1K3
GC: WH4TS TH1S WHOL3 TH1NG W1TH H3R 4ND SOLLUX?
CA: wwhat you mean besides incredibly hot
GC: BL4R WH4T???
CA: hey look
CA: vvris is my ex kismesis
CA: and i wwas harborin some pretty searious black feelins for sol for quite some time
GC: WH4T, L1K3 4 W33K?
CA: yeah yeah technicalities
CA: anywway can you blame a guy for appreciatin a little vviolent hate screed betwween twwo former black suitors
GC: Y3S 1 C4N
GC: B3C4US3 TH4TS W31RD
CA: oh wwhat EVVER dont you evven judge me
GC: OH 1M NOT JUDG1NG YOU M1ST3R 4MPOR4
GC: 1M S1MPLY 4RGU1NG MY C4S3
GC: 1TS UP TO H1S HONOR4BL3 TYR4NNY TO D3C1D3 1F YOUR3 W31RD OR NOT
GC: OH W41T TH3 V3RD1CT JUST C4M3 1N
GC: 4ND H3 F1NDS YOU
GC: GU1LTY >8]
CA: oh
CA: wwell shit
GC: H3H3H3H3H3
CA: anywway not sure wwhat to tell you about vvris
CA: shes pretty searious about this wwhole thing wwith sol
CA: actually im sorta helpin her out wwith it myself
GC: S3R1OUSLY?
CA: uh yeah
CA: thats not a problem is it
CA: me an vvris bein in cahoots
GC: NO, NOT R34LLY
GC: 1TS NOT 4NY OF MY BUS1N3SS WHO YOUR3 FR13NDS W1TH
GC: 4ND HON3STLY
GC: 1 DONT 3V3N H4T3 H3R TH4T MUCH 4NYMOR3
CA: really
GC: Y34H
CA: but
CA: she pulled some ridiculous shit to make your fuckin eyes melt
CA: howw can you not hate her after that
GC: W3LL, 3V3N THOUGH SH3 BL1ND3D M3
GC: SH3 4LSO 3ND3D UP 1N4DV3RT3NTLY DO1NG 4 GOOD TH1NG FOR M3
GC: B3C4US3 TH3 D4Y 1 W3NT BL1ND W4S TH3 F1RST T1M3 1 3V3R SPOK3 TO MY LUSUS
CA: oh really
GC: Y34H
GC: 1T W4S ST1LL 1N 1TS 3GG
GC: BUT 1T COULD SP34K TO M3 T3L3P4TH1C4LLY
GC: 4ND 4FT3R 1 W3NT BL1ND, 1T T4UGHT M3 4 N3W W4Y TO S33
CA: ok so thats wwhere the wwhole smellin colors thing came from
GC: Y3P
GC: HON3STLY, 1M NOT 3V3N M4D 4T VR1SK4 FOR BL1ND1NG M3
GC: V1S1ON 1S OV3RR4T3D, 4NYW4Y
GC: MY W4Y OF S331NG TH1NGS 1S SO MUCH B3TT3R >8]
CA: seariously
GC: Y3S S3R1OUSLY!
CA: wwell
CA: ok if you insist
GC: WH4T??
CA: wwell i mean
CA: its just kinda wweird that youre completely ok wwith bein blind
GC: WH4TS W31RD 4BOUT 1T?
GC: 1V3 GOTT3N 4LONG JUST F1N3 W1THOUT B31NG 4BL3 TO S33
CA: yeah but
CA: ok im not suggestin anythin here
CA: but if you had a chance to get your vvision back wwould you take it
GC: HOW?
GC: BY GO1NG GOD T13R?
CA: it doesnt matter howw its just a hypothetical scenario
GC: W3LL
GC: 1 PROB4BLY WOULDNT
CA: wwhat
CA: wwhy not
GC: B3C4US3
GC: 3V3N THOUGH B31NG 4BL3 TO S33 WOULD B3 N1C3
GC: MY W4Y OF S3NS1NG TH1NGS 1S MOR3 1MPORT4NT TO M3
GC: 1T W4S 4 SP3C14L G1FT FROM MY LUSUS
GC: 4ND 1M 4FR41D 1F 1 COULD S33 4G41N, 1D LOS3 1T FOR3V3R
CA: wwell
CA: wwhat if you could see
CA: but you could keep your wweird olfactory vvision too
GC: HM
GC: 1 DONT KNOW
GC: WHY 4R3 YOU 3V3N 4SK1NG?
CA: i dont knoww im just curious
GC: DO YOU TH1NK TH3YR3 W31RD?
CA: wwhat
GC: MY 3Y3S
GC: 1 M34N
GC: 1 KNOW TH3YR3 4LL SC4RR3D 4ND R3D 4ND GROSS
GC: SO 1D TOT4LLY UND3RST4ND 1F YOU THOUGHT TH3Y W3R3 UGLY OR SOM3TH1NG
GC: JUST B3 HON3ST W1TH M3
CA: ter
CA: id nevver hold anythin against a wwoman for bearin dualscars
GC: >8O
GC: WOW
CA: wwhat
GC: M1ST3R 4MPOR4
GC: YOU JUST FOUND
GC: TH3 B3ST POSS1BL3 4NSW3R TO TH4T QU3ST1ON!
GC: CONGR4TUL4T1ONS <3
CA: oh wwell thank you
GC: MY GOODN3SS
GC: 1 4M SWOON1NG SO H4RD R1GHT NOW, YOU C4NT 3V3N 1M4G1N3
CA: oh gracious howw utterly rude a me
CA: it wwas nevver my intention to givve you the vvapors in the middle of a social function
GC: H3H3H3, 1TS F1N3
GC: 1M SUR3 1 C4N M4N4G3 SOM3HOW
CA: but seariously though i dont think your eyes are wweird or anythin
CA: theyre kinda cool actually
CA: wwell i mean if callin your eyes cool is somethin you find flatterin an not condescendin
GC: 1LL T4K3 1T 4S 4 COMPL1M3NT
GC: 4NYW4Y 1M GL4D YOU L1K3 MY R3DGL4R3 >:]
CA: you mean your dualscar
GC: TH3YR3 MY 3Y3S, 1LL C4LL TH3M WH4T 1 W4NT!!!
CA: yeah ok fair point
CA: but really though are you ok wwith me an vvris bein friends
GC: 1 DONT C4R3 WHO YOUR FR13NDS 4R3, 3R1D4N
GC: 4ND 4NYW4Y, 1M NOT 3V3N 4LL TH4T 4NGRY 4T H3R 4NYMOR3
GC: HON3STLY, TH3 ONLY R34SON 1 W4S M4D 4T H3R W4S B3C4US3 OF 3V3RYON3 3LS3 SH3 HURT
GC: BUT T4VROS S33MS TO H4V3 FORG1V3N H3R
GC: 4ND 4R4D14S 0K W1TH H3R, B1G SURPR1S3
GC: 4ND SOLLUX
GC: W3LL
GC: 1 DONT KNOW WH4T H1S D34L 1S 4NYMOR3
CA: huh
CA: wwell she doesnt really harbor any ill wwill for you or any a the rest either
CA: cept sol obvviously
CA: an i mean she and i collectivvely havve got a lot of irons in the fire so to speak
CA: but theyre all focused on relativvely benevvolent things
GC: L1K3 WH4T?
CA: like uh
CA: romance
GC: OH J3GUS
GC: YOU TWO 4R3 SH1PP1NG TOG3TH3R???
CA: wwell ok yeah but its not like neps doin
CA: wwere focused on a different set a quadrants entirely
GC: OH MY GOD
GC: TH4T 1S SO H1L4R1OUSLY L4M3
CA: hey shut up
CA: this isnt some wwiggler levvel fairy tale romance horseshit wwere talkin about here
CA: wwere tryin to soww the seeds a hatred throughout the entire team
CA: howw is that not incredibly badass
GC: B3C4US3 1TS JUST
GC: 1NCR3D1BLY L4M3
CA: yeah yeah wwhatevver
CA: but youll be singin a different tune once wwevve shipped you
GC: Y3S 1 W1LL
GC: 1T W1LL B3 4 STUP1D 1D1OT TUN3 FOR STUP1D 1D1OTS
GC: >8P
CA: bah
CA: youre just jealous cause ivve already got a target for my black quadrant in my sights
GC: H3H3H3 OF COURS3 TH4TS 1T
GC: 1M SO J34LOUS OF YOUR S1LLY L1TTL3 BL4CKCRUSH
CA: hey howw do you knoww its silly you dont evven knoww wwho it is
GC: Y3S 1 DO
CA: ok fine then wwho is it
GC: WHO DO YOU TH1NK
GC: M1ST3R 4MPURR4
CA: hahaha ok you got me
GC: H3H3H3H3
GC: BUT S3R1OUSLY THOUGH
GC: N3P3T4??
CA: i knoww its wweird but im searious
CA: like youvve seen the wway shes blackflirtin wwith me on all these memos havvent you
GC: W3LL Y34H
GC: YOU KNOW, 1TS K1ND OF FUNNY
GC: SH3 DO3SNT 3V3N R34L1Z3 SH3S FL1RT1NG W1TH YOU
CA: i knoww right
CA: its like the girls nevver had black feelins for anybody in her pointless stupid life before
GC: SH3 H4SNT
CA: seariously
GC: Y3P
GC: 1N F4CT, SH3S CONV1NC3D SH3 DO3SNT C4R3 4BOUT BL4CKROM 4T 4LL
CA: wwhat
CA: are you fuckin kiddin me
GC: 1M S3R1OUS!
GC: SH3 TH1NKS TH3 WHOL3 QU4DR4NT 1S STUP1D
CA: oh god
CA: this is gonna take more wwork than i thought
GC: WHY 4R3 YOU 3V3N BL4CK FOR H3R 1N TH3 F1RST PL4C3?
GC: 1 M34N, SH3S OBV1OUSLY R3C1PROC4T1NG
GC: BUT WH3R3 TH3 H3LL D1D 1T 3V3N COM3 FROM?
CA: you really wwanna knoww
GC: OF COURS3 1 DO!
CA: ok wwell
CA: just read this
-- caligulasAquarium [CA] sent gallowsCalibrator [GC] the file ihavvethewweirdestbulge.txt" --
GC: N1C3 F1L3N4M3 >8P
CA: wwhatevver just read it
GC: OK4Y
GC: >8O
GC: 3R1D4N
GC: WH4T TH3 FUCK
GC: WH4T D1D YOU DO TO H3R?????
CA: i dont knoww
CA: i wwas just wwhinin about fef and apparently she got so completely sick a my shit that she just totally fuckin lost it
GC: TH1S 1S
GC: SH3S
GC: SH3 N3V3R G3TS TH1S 4NGRY 4BOUT 4NYTH1NG
GC: 4ND SH3 N3V3R CURS3S TH1S MUCH
GC: 1 M34N
GC: SH3 C4LL3D YOU 4 STUP1D P13C3 OF SH1T!
CA: i knoww right
GC: 3R1D4N
GC: YOU H4V3 TO M4K3 TH1S G1RL YOUR K1SM3S1S
GC: D3ST1NY H4S FOR3TOLD 1T
CA: course it fuckin has
CA: i mean howw am i supposed to look at a tirade like that and come to any other fuckin conclusion
GC: 1TS PR3TTY BL4T4NT
GC: JUST
GC: DO WH4T3V3R YOU H4V3 TO DO
CA: honestly i think makin her my kismesis wwill be the easy part
CA: the hardest partll be convvincin her the quadrants wworth her time at all
GC: Y34H
GC: GOOD LUCK W1TH TH4T
CA: yeah thanks
GC: H3Y, SP34K1NG OF N3P3T4
GC: K4N4Y4S WH1PP1NG UP SOM3 K1ND OF OUTF1T FOR H3R R1GHT NOW
CA: oh yeah
CA: wwhats it like
GC: 1TS K1ND OF W31RD, 4CTU4LLY
GC: SH3S GOT TH1S OL1V3 J4CK3T
GC: BUT 1T CUTS OFF R1GHT 4T H3R STOM4CH
GC: 4ND SO DO3S H3R SH1RT, 4CTU4LLY
CA: oh yeah thats good
CA: shes got a nice midriff may as wwell flaunt it
GC: 4ND TH3N SH3S W34R1NG TH3S3 R34LLY T1GHT BLU3 P4NTS
GC: J3GUS, H3R BUTT 1S JUST H4NG1NG OUT TH3R3 FOR 3V3RYON3 TO S33
CA: oh fuck yes
CA: im sorry ter but ivve gotta demand pictures a this
GC: OK4Y, F41R 3NOUGH
GC: H3R3 YOU GO
-- gallowsCalibrator [GC] sent caligulasAquarium [CA] the file "TH3HUNTR3SSH31N13.jpg" --
CA: really ter
CA: heinie
GC: SHUT UP, 1TS 4LL1T3R4T1V3!!!
CA: you are so ridiculous
GC: YOU 4R3
CA: yeah ok i am
GC: W3LL TH3N W3R3 1N 4GR33M3NT
CA: only if wwhat wwere in agreement on is that your ashen pal has a truly superb pair a buttocks
GC: OH NO
GC: PL34S3 NOT MOR3 BUTTCH4T
CA: ok fine ill spare you a trip to the rumpusblock
CA: emphasis on rump
GC: H3H3H3H3H3
GC: TH4NK YOU, YOUR3 TOO K1ND
GC: 4NYW4Y, 1F YOUR3 GO1NG TO M4K3 4 MOV3 ON N3P3T4, YOU SHOULD DO 1T SOON
GC: SH3S B31NG 4LL MOP3Y 4ND M1S3R4BL3 H3RS3LF
GC: 4ND 1 TH1NK 4 L1TTL3 C4L1G1NOUS ROMP 1S 3X4CTLY WH4T SH3 N33DS
CA: haha alright ill take that into consideration
CA: i appreciate havvin your blessins on the matter
GC: OF COURS3!
GC: B3S1D3S, YOU TWO B31NG K1SM3S3S W1LL G1V3 K4N4Y4 MOR3 TH1NGS TO M3DDL3 W1TH US 4BOUT
CA: ha yeah i didnt think a that
GC: OH, SP34K OF TH3 4NG3L
GC: LOOKS L1K3 1TS MY TURN TO G3T F4SH1ON POL1C3D
CA: oh ok wwell ill leavve you to that
CA: but hey good luck wwith all your quadrant shit
GC: TH4NKS
GC: 4ND GOOD LUCK W1TH N3P3T4
CA: yeah thanks
CA: ill havve to formulate a foolproof strategy to deal wwith her
GC: OF COURS3
GC: W3LL, 1F YOU N33D 4NY H3LP W1TH TH4T, 1D LOV3 TO CONTR1BUT3
GC: 4FT3R 1 G3T DON3 W1TH TH1S, OF COURS3
CA: yeah thatd be great actually
CA: but you should probably go noww
GC: Y34H 1 SHOULD
GC: K4N4Y4S G1V1NG M3 QU1T3 4 D1RTY LOOK R1GHT NOW
CA: haha ok
CA: wwell sea you around
GC: M4YB3 YOU W1LL
GC: BUT 1 WONT
GC: B3C4US3 1M BL1ND, YOU MORON
CA: fuuuuuck you totally got me
CA: <3
GC: H3H3H3H3, <3
GC: BY3 3R1D4N
CA: bye ter

gallowsCalibrator [GC] ceased trolling caligulasAquarium [CA].

***

centaursTesticle [CT] began trolling arsenicCatnip [AC].

CT: D --> Nepeta
CT: D --> Are you there
CT: D --> There are matters I wished to di%uss with you
CT: D --> Oh shoot
CT: D --> It udderly slipped my mind that you were in the middle of a conciliation with the jadeb100d
CT: D --> Please forgive my interje%ion
CT: D --> But if you could
CT: D --> Would you please conta% me after its conc100sion
CT: D --> Many than%

centaursTesticle [CT] ceased trolling arsenicCatnip [AC].

arsenicCatnip [AC] began trolling centaursTesticle [CT].

AC: :33 < equius!
AC: :33 < are you still there?
CT: D --> Ah, Nepeta
CT: D --> Has the jadeb100d conc100ded her mediation
AC: :33 < well, no
AC: :33 < but shes in the middle of something with terezi
CT: D --> What
CT: D --> If you don't mind my a%ing
AC: :33 < shes making some clothes fur her
CT: D --> Oh
AC: :33 < she just finished making some fur me, actually!
AC: :33 < theyre really purretty
CT: D --> Really
AC: :33 < yes!
AC: :33 < though its kind of weird
AC: :33 < the jacket is really short
AC: :33 < so now my butt is just hanging out fur efurrypawdy to s33
CT: D --> Nepeta, language
AC: :33 < what???
AC: :33 < butt is not a bad word!!!
CT: D --> Yes it is
AC: :33 < no it isnt!!
CT: D --> Well
CT: D --> It kind of is
AC: :33 < it isnt even a little!
CT: D --> Ok, fine, it isn't
AC: :33 < yeah, s33?
CT: D --> Anyway
CT: D --> That sounds like a very
CT: D --> Strange way of auspisticizing
AC: :33 < well, it kind of is
AC: :33 < but kanaya knows what shes doing, i guess
CT: D --> I should think so
CT: D --> She is by far the most e%perienced auspistice out of all of us
AC: :33 < yeah, i guess so
AC: :33 < so what did you want to talk about?
CT: D --> Well
CT: D --> On the previous memo
CT: D --> You 100ked to be in a dour mood
AC: :33 < kind of, yeah
CT: D --> So
CT: D --> What cause do you have for being in low spirits
AC: :33 < well
AC: :33 < its nothing, really
CT: D --> I must di%ord
CT: D --> You are in most situations e%cessively jocose
CT: D --> If something caused you to be deje%ed, it is most certainly not nothing
CT: D --> Please forgive the double negative
AC: :33 < well
AC: :33 < befur that memo
AC: :33 < karkat talked to me
AC: :33 < and he
AC: :33 < yelled at me
CT: D --> What
CT: D --> Why
AC: :33 < beclaws he was flushed fur terezi
AC: :33 < and he was mad that i made her and eridan matespurrits
CT: D --> That
CT: D --> That ingrate
CT: D --> It is
CT: D --> Udderly f001ish that he should yell at you for this
AC: :33 < no, it makes sense
CT: D --> Perhaps I should
CT: D --> Di%uss this with Vantas
CT: D --> Teach him a lesson in respe%ing others
AC: :33 < please dont!
CT: D --> What
CT: D --> Why not
AC: :33 < beclaws
AC: :33 < hes my furiend!
AC: :33 < and i dont want him to get hurt
CT: D --> If he did not want to be hurt
CT: D --> He shouldn't have shouted at you
AC: :33 < equius, please
AC: :33 < just dont hurt him
AC: :33 < hes hurting enough already
CT: D --> Well
CT: D --> If you insist
AC: :33 < im not mad at him or anything
AC: :33 < im just a little depurressed
CT: D --> Why
CT: D --> Why have that imbecile's words moved you so
AC: :33 < well, its just
AC: :33 < befur this, efurrything s33med to be going so well
AC: :33 < but now somepawdys b33n hurt
AC: :33 < and its all my fault
AC: :33 < :((
CT: D --> Nepeta
CT: D --> You mustn't blame yourself for this
AC: :33 < yes i must!
AC: :33 < its my fault karkat got hurt
AC: :33 < if i nefur shipped those two, he couldve b33n with her
AC: :33 < he couldve b33n happy
CT: D --> He can be happy with someone else
AC: :33 < but thats the thing
AC: :33 < i dont know if he can
CT: D --> I'm abso100tely positive that he can
AC: :33 < really?
CT: D --> Yes
CT: D --> 100% certain
AC: :33 < well, maybe
AC: :33 < but
AC: :33 < am i even doing the right thing, equius?
CT: D --> What do you mean
AC: :33 < i mean this whole shipping thing!
AC: :33 < meddling with efurrypawdy elses love lives!
AC: :33 < it just doesnt f33l right
AC: :33 < not anymore
CT: D --> Nepeta
CT: D --> You mustn't lose heart
CT: D --> I'm abso100tely certain what you're doing is right
AC: :33 < how do you know?
CT: D --> You need only 100k to those you've already helped
CT: D --> Kanaya has e%pressed her gratitude to me in private
CT: D --> You've tr001y made her e%tremely happy
CT: D --> And I'm sure the others would e%press similar sentiments
AC: :33 < well
AC: :33 < i guess
CT: D --> And
CT: D --> Though I am loathe to admit it
CT: D --> The highb100d had a point
CT: D --> Your shipping has a%ually contributed greatly to our progress in the game
CT: D --> Our leader's criticisms were und001y harsh
AC: :33 < hm
AC: :33 < maybe youre right
AC: :33 < but still
AC: :33 < i just kind of f33l like
AC: :33 < taking a break, you know?
CT: D --> I suppose if you feel you must
CT: D --> But you shouldn't be di%ouraged
CT: D --> What you are doing is abso100tely a good thing
AC: :33 < thanks equius
AC: :33 < so what have you b33n up to?
CT: D --> Not a great deal
CT: D --> Though it might please you to hear
CT: D --> My romantic entanglement with Aradia has reached its conc100sion
AC: :33 < what??
AC: :33 < why would that please me to hear???
AC: :33 < thats terrible!!!
CT: D --> But
CT: D --> I thought you disapproved of our relationship
AC: :33 < well, yeah, i did
AC: :33 < but still!
AC: :33 < you didnt end it beclaws of me, did you?
CT: D --> Well
CT: D --> Kind of
AC: :33 < ugh, s33, this is what im talking about!
AC: :33 < im meddling in efurrypawdy elses lives
AC: :33 < and even though im trying to hook efurryone up
AC: :33 < i didnt want to have to tear them apurrt to do it!
AC: :33 < ugh, i f33l so terrible
CT: D --> Nepeta, please
CT: D --> Allow me to e100cidate
AC: :33 < e100cidate what?
CT: D --> Despite your assertions
CT: D --> You did not "tear us apart," or any such nonsensical musclebeast e%crement as that
CT: D --> You merely e%posed an e%isting flaw in a failing relationship
AC: :33 < really?
CT: D --> Yes
CT: D --> 100king back
CT: D --> Aradia was never tr001y happy with me
CT: D --> And I realized
CT: D --> I was never really happy with her, either
CT: D --> Ending our relationship was for the best
AC: :33 < well
AC: :33 < maybe
AC: :33 < but still, who does that leave you with?
AC: :33 < ugh, you cant even hook up with gamz33, beclaws i already got to him :((
CT: D --> It's fine
CT: D --> I never tr001y liked anything about the highb100d
CT: D --> E%cept for his b100d, of course
AC: :33 < yeah, thats what i thought
CT: D --> If he tr001y thin% he can be happy with that degenerate mudb100ded upstart, then so be it
CT: D --> I wish him the abso100t best
CT: D --> (That was supposed to be mildly sarcastic, by the way)
AC: :33 < um, okay
CT: D --> It may comfort you to know
CT: D --> That I am effe%ively committed to a course of a%ion with regards to my flushed quadrant
AC: :33 < really?
AC: :33 < with who?
CT: D --> Er
CT: D --> One of your previous suggestions, a%ually
CT: D --> The heiress, specifically
AC: :33 < oh!
AC: :33 < youre really interested in fefurry??
CT: D --> Kind of
CT: D --> She 100% to be a noble, considerate person
CT: D --> If a little, uh
CT: D --> Enthusiastic
AC: :33 < h33 h33!
AC: :33 < i think that might be understating it a little!
CT: D --> Perhaps
AC: :33 < but wait
AC: :33 < she still has her whole thing with sollux
CT: D --> Oh, right
CT: D --> It perple%es me why she lavishes such e%travagant attention on the mustardb100d
CT: D --> And why the f001 apparently hasn't reciprocated her advances
AC: :33 < i dont really know what their deal is!
AC: :33 < they could be matespurrits
AC: :33 < or they could be meowrails
CT: D --> Hrm
CT: D --> If they became matesprits
CT: D --> I suppose that would make things e%tremely difficult for me
AC: :33 < ugh, yeah
AC: :33 < you wouldnt really have anypawdy left
AC: :33 < except aradia, i guess
AC: :33 < could you still be matespurrits with her, maybe?
CT: D --> It's a distin% possibility
CT: D --> We ended our relationship amicably
CT: D --> And though it was tumultuous, I don't believe she hates me
AC: :33 < oh
AC: :33 < well thats good
CT: D --> Still
CT: D --> I'd hate to think I was
CT: D --> Forcing her to become my matesprit
CT: D --> Which I realize is 100dicrously hypocritical of me, given my a%ions in the past
AC: :33 < no, i understand
CT: D --> Hm
CT: D --> Perhaps this is none of my business
CT: D --> But do you think she has any other options
AC: :33 < aradia?
CT: D --> Yes
AC: :33 < well
AC: :33 < she might have something with sollux
CT: D --> Oh
CT: D --> Really
AC: :33 < well, im not sure
AC: :33 < but befur she died
AC: :33 < they kind of had a thing
CT: D --> A thing
AC: :33 < well, i dont know
AC: :33 < it mightve b33n pale, it mightve b33n flushed
AC: :33 < they nefur really made it official
CT: D --> My goodness
AC: :33 < what?
CT: D --> I'm suddenly e%periencing deja vu
AC: :33 < h33 h33, i guess so!
AC: :33 < sollux is so stupid
CT: D --> Obviously
CT: D --> It's like he's e%plicitly ignoring the constant stream of beautiful women that reg001arly throw themselves at him
CT: D --> Is he blind and deaf
CT: D --> Or simply dumb
AC: :33 < h33 h33 h33!! X33
AC: :33 < i dont know what his deal is
CT: D --> A raw deal, clearly
AC: :33 < jegus, equius
AC: :33 < hes really getting you steamed!
CT: D --> Er
CT: D --> I don't hate him or anything
CT: D --> I'm simply
CT: D --> Jealous, I suppose
AC: :33 < yeah, i guess that makes sense
AC: :33 < but hed purrobably think youre crazy if you told him that!
CT: D --> Why
AC: :33 < hes always all mopey and miserable
AC: :33 < and he thinks his life is soooo terrrrrible
CT: D --> Hmph
CT: D --> If his life is the hell he contends it to be
CT: D --> Then it is a hell of his own making
AC: :33 < well, i dont know
AC: :33 < he has gone through a lot
AC: :33 < i think aradia dying really messed him up
CT: D --> Well
CT: D --> Perhaps she is dead
CT: D --> But she isn't gone
AC: :33 < thats true!
CT: D --> Do you think
CT: D --> He still loves her
AC: :33 < i dont know!
AC: :33 < his shipping sw33p hasnt come up yet
AC: :33 < i guess ill have to ask him
CT: D --> So
CT: D --> You do intend to continue shipping
AC: :33 < well, eventually
AC: :33 < not right away
CT: D --> Ok
AC: :33 < but thats good that youre interested in fefurry!
AC: :33 < that could really work out
AC: :33 < you hook up with her and sollux hooks up with aradia
AC: :33 < or he could become matespurrits with fefurry, and then you could with aradia
AC: :33 < or
AC: :33 < i guess you and sollux could be matespurrits, and then so could aradia and fefurry?
CT: D --> Er
AC: :33 < youre not flushed fur sollux, are you?
CT: D --> Abso100tely not
AC: :33 < yeah, i figured
AC: :33 < but still, its one of the thr33 pawssibilities
CT: D --> Uh
CT: D --> Just three
AC: :33 < yeah, its just those thr33
AC: :33 < right?
CT: D --> A%ually
CT: D --> I can't help but notice you've e%c100ded yourself
CT: D --> As well as our leader
AC: :33 < oh
AC: :33 < oh!
AC: :33 < i guess i did!
CT: D --> Nepeta
CT: D --> Did you intend to enter a matespritship with Vantas
AC: :33 < no!!!
AC: :33 < i mean
AC: :33 < i dont know really!
AC: :33 < i just
AC: :33 < i wasnt even thinking about him
AC: :33 < or myself, fur that matter!
CT: D --> Well
CT: D --> I guess that makes sense
CT: D --> But still, all these possibilities simply assume you'd end up with him
AC: :33 < er
AC: :33 < yeah, i guess
CT: D --> Is that
CT: D --> Something you'd be ok with
AC: :33 < i dont know, i guess!
CT: D --> Seriously
CT: D --> Even after he f001ishly attacked you for the services you've performed for our team
AC: :33 < hes not that bad!!
AC: :33 < he was just angry beclaws of terezi and eridan!
AC: :33 < honestly hes not a bad guy
AC: :33 < he just gets mad sometimes
AC: :33 < and really, who wouldnt??
CT: D --> Um
CT: D --> Nepeta
CT: D --> Are you
CT: D --> Flushed for him
AC: :33 < no!!!
AC: :33 < well, maybe
AC: :33 < i dont really know
CT: D --> Nepeta, I'm your moirail
CT: D --> You can tell me abso100tely anything
AC: :33 < i know that
AC: :33 < but
AC: :33 < i cant really say if im flushed fur him or not
AC: :33 < not yet
CT: D --> Why not
AC: :33 < its just
AC: :33 < its not the right time
AC: :33 < !!!!!
CT: D --> What
AC: :33 < er
AC: :33 < do you not s33 that?
CT: D --> See what
AC: :33 < the underlined text up there!
CT: D --> I see no underlined te%t
AC: :33 < oh
AC: :33 < some kind of glitch with my purrogram, i guess!
CT: D --> Hm
CT: D --> That's strange
CT: D --> But anyway
CT: D --> It was not my intent to gr001ingly e%tract a confession from you with regard to your feelings
CT: D --> If you can't reach a conc100sion, that is perfe%ly a%eptable
AC: :33 < okay
AC: :33 < sorry equius
CT: D --> It's quite alright
AC: :33 < but anyway, enough about me
AC: :33 < lets talk about you and fefurry!
CT: D --> Oh
CT: D --> Ok
AC: :33 < have you efur talked to her or anything?
CT: D --> Well
CT: D --> Not really
CT: D --> We've had brief e%changes on the team memos
CT: D --> But never any tr001y meaningful intera%ion
AC: :33 < well, maybe you should change that!
CT: D --> How
AC: :33 < by talking to her, dummy!
CT: D --> Yes, but
CT: D --> I can't simply conta% her out of the b100, can I
AC: :33 < well, no
AC: :33 < but maybe try it in a memo or something?
CT: D --> Perhaps
CT: D --> But
CT: D --> Do you think the mustardb100d would find it objec%ionable
AC: :33 < oh, who cares about him!
AC: :33 < if he wont make fefurry his matespurrit, then its his loss!
CT: D --> Uh
AC: :33 < i mean, if thats how he f33ls about her
CT: D --> But do you think I might be
CT: D --> Interfering in their relationship somehow
CT: D --> I don't think the heiress would like that
AC: :33 < youre not interfurring in anything!
AC: :33 < if sollux really wants to be her matespurrit, the worst youll do is push him into making it official!
AC: :33 < and if he doesnt, then it doesnt matter!
AC: :33 < its a win win!
CT: D --> Hm
CT: D --> I suppose so
CT: D --> But anyway
CT: D --> How do you think I should, uh
CT: D --> Speak to her
AC: :33 < well
AC: :33 < dont be all weird and sycophantic, fur one!
CT: D --> What
AC: :33 < you know, about her blood!
CT: D --> Hrk
CT: D --> Of course, that's corre%
CT: D --> Even though she has such
CT: D --> Remarkably beautiful tyrian b100d
CT: D --> She udderly despises the Hemospe%rum
AC: :33 < i hate to ask, but
AC: :33 < youre not just interested in her beclaws of her blood, are you?
CT: D --> No
CT: D --> I will admit that's part of it
CT: D --> But even without regard to her
CT: D --> Strikingly brilliant imperial b100d
CT: D --> I find her to be an attra%ive person in general
AC: :33 < really?
AC: :33 < even though you hate seadwellers?
CT: D --> I have effe%ively dealt with my prejudice with regard to the heiress specifically
CT: D --> While landdwellers do in fa% have an ancient codified feud with those living in the ocean's depths
CT: D --> I believe she is an e%ception
CT: D --> After all, on the land or in the sea
CT: D --> We all genufle% before the incalc001able might of Her Imperious Condescension equally, do we not
AC: :33 < well
AC: :33 < yeah, i guess
CT: D --> And as the heiress apparent to the Imperial throne, surely she should be afforded the same respe%
AC: :33 < i guess that makes sense
AC: :33 < but still, its kind of weird
CT: D --> How is it weird
AC: :33 < well, its good that you dont hate her fur being a seadweller
AC: :33 < but youre still treating her diffurently beclaws of her blood!
AC: :33 < and shed purrobably really hate that!
CT: D --> Oh
CT: D --> Then, uh
CT: D --> How should I treat her
AC: :33 < i dont know, maybe as an equal???
CT: D --> But
CT: D --> I'm not, am I
AC: :33 < she purrobably thinks you are!
CT: D --> Oh
CT: D --> I guess she would, wouldn't she
CT: D --> She's just
CT: D --> Considerate like that
AC: :33 < exactly!
CT: D --> Hrm
CT: D --> But still
CT: D --> I'm a little perple%ed at how to proceed in engaging her in a dialogue
AC: :33 < well, maybe you should just try
AC: :33 < flirting with her
CT: D --> Er
CT: D --> Flirting
AC: :33 < yes!
CT: D --> I've, uh
CT: D --> Never really flirted with anyone before
CT: D --> How e%actly would I go about doing that
AC: :33 < well, you just
AC: :33 < i dont know, its hard to explain!
AC: :33 < you just kind of have to
AC: :33 < make little suggestive jokes to her
CT: D --> Uh
CT: D --> Suggestive
AC: :33 < well, you know
AC: :33 < just kind of twist your words so they s33m like something naughty
AC: :33 < like if she says, "i wont hold it against you"
AC: :33 < you say, "do you want to hold it against me?"
CT: D --> Urk
CT: D --> That 100% to be
CT: D --> Somewhat indecent
AC: :33 < its all in good fun!
CT: D --> Are you sure
CT: D --> How do I know she won't simply find it
CT: D --> E%asperating
AC: :33 < well, if shes interested, shell flirt with you back!
AC: :33 < so maybe youd say what you said up there
AC: :33 < and shed say, "ooh, maybe i do, mister zahhak!"
CT: D --> Uh
AC: :33 < and if shes not interested, shell just blow you off
AC: :33 < so just k33p going until she does that!
CT: D --> Ok
CT: D --> That 100% to be reasonable enough
CT: D --> I need to make
CT: D --> Jokes
AC: :33 < yes!
AC: :33 < you know how to tell jokes, right?
CT: D --> Kind of
CT: D --> A%ually, Kanaya recently complimented me on my sense of humor
CT: D --> Though my main form of humor consists of 100sing an unr001y herd of spirited hoofbeast puns
CT: D --> Do you think that would work
AC: :33 < actually, that would work purrfectly!!
AC: :33 < fefurry really loves puns!
CT: D --> Oh
CT: D --> Does she
AC: :33 < well, she likes fish puns specifically
AC: :33 < and ocean puns in general, i guess
AC: :33 < but shed purrobably enjoy a few hoofbeast puns, too!
CT: D --> Hmmm
CT: D --> I suppose could pra%ice a few nautical puns myself
CT: D --> A%ually, wait, I mean
CT: D --> Myshellf
AC: :33 < h33 h33, yeah, thats it!
CT: D --> But I suppose
CT: D --> If foal else fails
CT: D --> I'm gelding the idea
CT: D --> That I could canter her nautical puns
CT: D --> By trotting out a few hoofbeast puns of mane own
AC: :33 < h33 h33 h33!!! X33
AC: :33 < thats great!
CT: D --> Ok
CT: D --> I believe I know how to proceed
CT: D --> So I should simply
CT: D --> Talk to her
CT: D --> On a public memo
AC: :33 < yeah!
AC: :33 < but you dont have to do it right away
AC: :33 < just wait fur the purrfect oppurrtunity to purrsent itself
AC: :33 < and once it does
AC: :33 < you strike!!!
CT: D --> That makes sense, I suppose
CT: D --> But when do you believe such an opportunity will arise
AC: :33 < i dont know
AC: :33 < i guess i wont be making a shipping update anytime soon ://
CT: D --> Hmmm
AC: :33 < but im sure youll get a chance soon!
CT: D --> I should certainly hope so
CT: D --> Anyway
CT: D --> Are you feeling better, Nepeta
AC: :33 < yeah, i guess
AC: :33 < thanks equius
CT: D --> It's tr001y my pleasure
CT: D --> Anyway, don't be di%ouraged by the imbecile Vantas' words
CT: D --> He's simply being e%tremely f001ish
AC: :33 < well
AC: :33 < i dont think hes being foolish
AC: :33 < but maybe he didnt mean efurrything he said
CT: D --> I'm abso100tely certain he didn't
CT: D --> And though you may feel the need to take a break
CT: D --> I tr001y believe you should continue shipping
AC: :33 < yeah, maybe
CT: D --> But I suppose I've taken enough of your time
CT: D --> Kanaya must be finished with her a%ivities with the tealb100d by now
AC: :33 < yeah, shes just finishing up right now
AC: :33 < she made some kind of suit fur her or something
AC: :33 < its really nice
AC: :33 < wow, terezi looks really purretty in it
CT: D --> Does she
AC: :33 < yes she does!
AC: :33 < it makes her look all elegant and refined
AC: :33 < but still kinda scary
AC: :33 < and it really shows off her butt, too X33
CT: D --> Nepeta, please
AC: :33 < what??
AC: :33 < we already established butt isnt a bad word!
CT: D --> Yes, but still
CT: D --> This is abso100tely inappropriate
AC: :33 < well, im sorry, but terezi has a really nice butt!!!
CT: D --> No
CT: D --> Stop this
CT: D --> You will cease di%ussing your auspisticed partner's rear end immediately
CT: D --> Have I made myself perfe%ly clear
AC: :33 < okay, fine!
AC: :33 < but i should warn you
AC: :33 < you can make me stop talking about it
AC: :33 < but you cant make me stop thinking it!
CT: D --> Fine
CT: D --> Anyway
CT: D --> I suppose I should leave you be
AC: :33 < yeah, purrobably
AC: :33 < but thanks fur talking to me, equius
AC: :33 < i really do f33l better now
CT: D --> Of course
CT: D --> What are moirails for
CT: D --> <>
AC: :33 < <>
AC: :33 < anyway, good luck with fefurry!
CT: D --> Yes, thank you
CT: D --> But now I must depart
CT: D --> Goodbye, Nepeta
AC: :33 < bye equius!

centaursTesticle [CT] ceased trolling arsenicCatnip [AC].

Chapter 14: Sidelines III

Chapter 14

Sidelines III

arachnidsGrip [AG] began trolling cuttlefishCuller [CC].

AG: Hey.
CC: O)(, )(ey Vriska!
AG: So, um........
AG: Are we still cool?
CC: 38?
CC: W)(at do you mean?
AG: You know, after the whole thing with Sollux????????
CC: Vriska, I'm not Sollux!
CC: It's not like you did anyt)(ing to piss M-E off!
AG: Well, no, 8ut I assume whenever he gets pissed off a8out something, you're the first one he goes griping to.
CC: W)(ale, Y-EA)(, but )(onestly, it's not t)(at big a deal!
CC: Sollux gripes! T)(at's just kind of )(is t)(ing!
CC: )(e's just a BIG GRIP-EY GRUMPY GILLS!
AG: Hahahahahahahaha, that's so lame, it's honestly kind of funny.
CC: 38P
AG: 8ut seriously though, we cool?
CC: Vriska.
CC: We are as COOL as a S-EA CUCUMB-ER.
CC: 3B)
AG: Hell.
AG: Fucking.
AG: Yessssssss.
AG: BBBB)
CC: O)( wow, FOUR pairs of s)(ades! Very impressive.
AG: Alas, one of the few draw8acks of having eight eyes.
AG: All your eyewear costs four times as much.
AG: It's hard, Feferi.
AG: It's hard and no8ody understands.
CC: )(-E )(-E )(-E!
CC: So anyway, w)(at's up?
AG: Eh, nothing really.
AG: Just seeing if things were still str8 8etween us.
AG: I mean........ I said some reeeeeeeeally nasty things to Sollux on that last memo. ::::/
CC: Yea)(, )(e's R-E-ELY freaking out aboat it.
CC: )(e's practically B-EGGING me to stop being fronds wit)( you.
AG: Ugh, I'm not fucking things up 8etween you and him, am I????????
AG: I mean, I don't like the guy, 8ut I'd 8e a pretty shitty friend if I were messing with your personal life.
CC: No, no, it's fine!!
CC: )(e's not angry at M-E or anyt)(ing!
CC: )(e's just...
CC: W)(ale, )(e's just angry at YOU. 38/
AG: Well, yeah, I kinda figured that much.
CC: But I mean, )(e's )(onestly CONVINC-ED you're just PR-ET-ENDING to be fronds wit)( me just to ruffle )(is gills!
CC: And he keeps going off aboat )(ow you're just going to try to )(urt me or somet)(ing like t)(at!
AG: Uuuuuuuugh, seriously????????
CC: Yep, seariously!
AG: Well........
AG: He's got every RIGHT to 8elieve that, I guess.
AG: You wouldn't 8e the first friend I've maimed. ::::/
CC: Ug)(, W)(AT--EV--ER!!
CC: )(onestly, I t)(ink )(e's being kind of a )(ard)(ead aboat t)(is w)(ole glubbing t)(ing!
CC: I mean, Y-EA)(, you did some R-E-ELY bad t)(ings before, but you're OBVIOUSLY a MUC)( betta person now!
CC: S)(ell, Tavros )(as forgiven you, and Terezi's pretty muc)( t)(ere too, rig)(t?
CC: So reely, I just t)(ink )(e's being stubborn!
AG: Look, Feferi, as much as I appreci8 it, you don't have to try so hard to defend me.
AG: I'm not just gonna try to pretend what I did to him and Aradia and every8ody else wasn't an enormous fucking deal.
AG: 8ut I just........
AG: Ugh, I don't know.
CC: You reely are black for )(im, aren't you?
AG: Yeah, I kind of am.
AG: Is that weird?
CC: U)(, kind of, yea)(!
AG: ::::?
CC: I mean, it seems like it just came out of NOW)(-ER-E!
AG: Well, it sorta did.
AG: I'll admit, the whole idea came a8out from one little throwaway line on a memo somewhere a while 8ack.
AG: 8ut the more I think a8out it........ the more I just want to throttle that guy, you know what I mean????????
CC: Um...
AG: Er, o8viously you wouldn't want to throttle him, that's doesn't m8ke any sense!!!!!!!!
CC: W)(ale, I don't know.
CC: I guess I can sea w)(y you mig)(t want to go after )(im.
CC: I mean, obviously )(e )(ates you!
CC: But I always figured t)(ere'd be ot)(er trolls you'd be more interested in, like Aradia or Terezi!
AG: Uuuuuuuugh, where'd this whole thing a8out me 8eing 8lack for Terezi even come from????????
AG: I don't h8 her! She's like my 8est friend!
AG: Whether or not she chooses to acknowledge it.
AG: And I mean, yeah, she 8lew off my arm and my eye, 8ut 8ig deal!
AG: I got 'em 8ack, and I got a pretty awesome set of powers in the process!!!!!!!!
AG: Why would I even hold a grudge over that????????
CC: Wow, okay!
AG: Sorry, the whole thing is just a little weird, honestly.
AG: Anyway, as for Aradia........
AG: Well, let's just say we had one really amazing h8 d8, and then she stopped returning my calls.
CC: )(a)(a)(a, I guess t)(at's ON-E way of putting it!
AG: I figured you would appreci8 it.
AG: Anyway, it's pretty o8vious she doesn't h8 me for whatever spooky emotionless dead girl reason.
AG: And even if she did, I'm not sure if I h8 her either.
AG: The whole "remorse" thing reeeeeeeeally gets in the way.
CC: Yea)(, I guess so.
CC: But seariously, w)(y Sollux?
AG: It's........ hard to explain, really.
AG: 8ut honestly, I think the thing that really pisses me off a8out him is that it seems like he just wants to ignore me.
AG: And no8ody ignores Vriska Serket.
AG: No8ody.
CC: )(a)(a)(a, yea)(, I t)(ink I get it!
CC: But reely, t)(at just seems to be )(is way of dealing wit)( ALL )(is unwanted black suitors.
AG: Ugh, you don't think he just h8es me platonically, do you?
CC: I t)(ink )(e T)(INKS it's platonic.
CC: But I don't t)(ink it's platonic.
AG: Reeeeeeeeaaaaaaaally????????
CC: I mean, )(e's R-E-ELY )(ung up on you!
CC: And I reelize t)(ere are pretty obvious reasons for t)(at, but even given t)(at, it still seems a little -EXC-ESSIV-E!
CC: Like in t)(at last memo, )(-E's t)(e one w)(o was going after YOU!
AG: Yeah, see, that's what really throws me!
AG: The guy keeps telling me he's not interested, 8ut he keeps just attacking me out of nowhere on these memos.
AG: He's like the fucking master of mixed signals.
CC: I )(onestly t)(ink )(e IS black for you.
CC: But rig)(t now, I t)(ink it's more of a matter of PRID-E to )(im t)(an anyt)(ing.
CC: It's like, if )(e enters a quadrant wit)( you, it'd be like admitting )(e's over t)(e w)(ole...
CC: Y'know...
CC: T)(e w)(ole T)(ING.
AG: 8luh.
AG: So 8eing kismesisses with him isn't even gonna 8e a fucking possi8ility unless I find a way to 8ring Aradia 8ack from the fucking dead????????
CC: W)(ale, I never said T)(AT!
AG: Yeah, 8ut it's something LIKE that, isn't it?
CC: W)(ale... kind of.
AG: Fuuuuuuuuck.
CC: Look, t)(e t)(ing is, )(e's still R--E--ELY broken up aboat t)(e w)(ole t)(ing t)(at )(appened wit)( )(er.
CC: And until )(e gets over it, I'm afraid t)(at s)(ip is probably N-EV-ER gonna leave t)(e )(arbor.
AG: God damnit.
AG: I am just the text8ook fucking definition of a hopeless 8lack romantic, aren't I?
AG: Shit would 8e so much easier if I actually were 8lack for Terezi.
AG: I'm preeeeeeeetty sure she's at least a little 8lack for me.
CC: R-E-ELY?
AG: Well, if her 8ehavior during our FLARPing session was any indic8ion.
AG: Fuck, my lip still hurts from where she 8it it.
CC: )(a)(a)(a)(a)(a.
AG: 8ut noooooooo, I have to go and fall for the guy who's never gonna 8e interested until he either gets over his dead girlfriend or she miraculously comes 8ack to life.
AG: I honestly think the latter would 8e more likely.
CC: 38/
AG: Is there a way to 8ring her 8ack, you think?
CC: W)(y are you asking M-E?
AG: Well, I don't know.
AG: You've got this whole weird, creepy, regularly-converses-with-eldritch-a8omin8ions-from-outside-the-universe thing going on.
AG: So I figured you might 8e savvy a8out stuff like this.
CC: W)(ale, I'm not reely s)(ore!
CC: T)(e only revival met)(ods I'm aware of require a body.
AG: Ugh, right.
AG: There isn't one. Trust me.
CC: Yea)(, so I've )(eard. 38/
AG: Anyway, even if there was a 8ody, she apparently doesn't even have a dreamself, which throws all that shit out the window too.
CC: Rig)(t, t)(ere's t)(at too!
AG: ........Does she really not have a dreamself?
CC: Not t)(at I know of!
AG: Huh.
CC: W)(y do you ask?
AG: I don't know. It just seems weird for some reason.
AG: 8ut it m8kes sense, I guess.
AG: Her real self died way 8efore the game even started, and I guess her dreamself isn't just gonna sit around on Derse forever.
CC: W)(ale, regardless of w)(et)(er or not bringing )(er back is possible, I'm not sure t)(at doing it would just magically fix everyt)(ing.
AG: Hrm, may8e you're right.
AG: 8ut hey, enough a8out my pro8lems.
AG: What's going on with you?
CC: You mean w)(at's going on wit)( me and Sollux?
AG: I never said that!!!!!!!!
AG: 8ut as a matter of fact, yes, that's EXACTLY what I mean!
AG: Have you managed to 8eat a confession out of him on what the deal 8etween you two is????????
CC: I'm not beating ANYT)(ING out of Sollux!!!
AG: Look, Feferi, I'm telling you this for your own s8ke.
AG: 8ifuc8ion gimmick or not, do NOT let this guy trap you in quadrant vacill8ion hell.
AG: You will never get out.
AG: Everrrrrrrr.
CC: It's not T)(AT bad!
CC: -Even if we're not OFFIS)(IALLY in a quadrant, we still R-E-ELY enjoy eac)( ot)(er's company!
CC: So w)(at's t)(e problem??
AG: The pro8lem is you're getting the worst of 8oth worlds!!!!!!!!
AG: You can't 8e honest with each other and have feelings jams 8ecause you're not moirails.
AG: And you can't get your sloppy m8keouts on 8ecause you're not m8sprits!
AG: It pretty much sucks.
CC: T)(at's not true!
CC: Sollux and I )(ave been PL-ENTY )(onest wit)( eac)( ot)(er!
AG: Oh reeeeeeeeally????????
CC: Yes, R-E-ELY!
AG: Like, jam-level honest?
CC: W)(ale... kind of, I guess!
AG: Oh maaaaaaaan, you don't think he's trying to palezone you, do you????????
CC: Vriska, t)(at is a STUPID T)(ING TO SAY!!
CC: Moirallegiance is NOT A ZON----E!!!
AG: Whoa, okay!!!!!!!!
AG: Jegus, you don't have to flip out at me a8out it!
CC: Saury, I just )(ave R-E-ELY STRONG OPINIONS on t)(e pale quadrant!
CC: People always swab it off like it's some )(ORRIBL-E T)(ING to get stuck in wit)( somebody you reely like.
CC: But I t)(ink it's JUST AS IMPORTANT as t)(e concupiscient quadrants, and probably even MOR-E fulfilling!
CC: I mean, s)(orely YOU of all people can sea w)(ere I'm glubbing from!
AG: Well, yeah, I get it.
AG: This thing with Tavros has 8een pretty fucking awesome for the 8oth of us.
AG: I don't know if I'd say it's 8etter than 8eing with Kanaya, 8ut I pro8a8ly wouldn't say it's worse, either.
CC: Yeah, S-EA? You'll admit it's at least on equal finning!
AG: I was never denying that!
AG: I was just kind of assuming you were flushed for Sollux is all.
CC: W)(y?
AG: W8, are you pale for him????????
CC: I never said t)(at!!
AG: No, 8ut you implied it.
CC: Look, I'd be perfectly )(appy being )(is matesprit OR )(is morayeel!
CC: I don't reely )(AV-E a preference!
AG: Oh, come oooooooon, surely it's more complic8ed than that.
CC: W)(ale, maybe it IS...
CC: But I don't trust you enoug)( to tell you any moray!
AG: Whaaaaaaaat????????
AG: Come on, Feferi, it's not like I'm gonna tell any8ody!!!!!!!!
CC: R-E-ELY??
AG: Yes, R-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-ELY!!!!!!!!
AG: My lips are sealed! Tight as a clam!
CC: So you wouldn't even let t)(at little pearl of information slip in t)(e middle of a )(eated debate wit)( Sollux on a public memo????????
AG: Um.
AG: Fuck, I'd pro8a8ly end up doing something exactly like that.
AG: Okay, nevermind, I don't even want to know.
CC: I T)(OUG)(T you'd sea it my wave!
AG: Hahahahahahahaha, whatever.
CC: 38P
AG: Aaaaaaaanyway, let's say, just hypothetically speaking, you guys do end up 8ecoming moirails.
AG: Just say you guys flip a fucking coin or something and it comes up diamonds.
AG: So if he's your moirail, then who the fuck is gonna 8e your m8sprit????????
CC: W)(ale, I wasn't reely T)(INKING aboat it all t)(at muc)(!
AG: Really? 8ecause your options are kind of limited at this point.
AG: 8esides him, there's........ who?
AG: Nepeta, may8e?
AG: Oh man, thinking a8out it, that's actually kind of hot........
CC: W)(AT????
AG: I'm just saying is all!!!!!!!!
AG: I mean, you're an attractive girl, she's an attractive girl........
AG: And I can't help 8ut find the mental image percol8ing here of you two attractive girls getting it on to 8e hot as fuck.
CC: 38O
CC: )(oly CARP, w)(at am I even R----EADING H----ER----E?????
CC: Vriska, are you...
CC: Are you FLUS)(----ED for me or somet)(ing???
AG: Whoa, what???????? No!!!!!!!!
AG: I'm just saying you're attractive is all!!!!!!!!
AG: I'm not a8out to 8r8k up with Kanaya just to hook up with you or something insane like that!!!!!!!!
AG: Though don't get me wrong, if Kanaya weren't flushed for me, I'd 8e all over that in a heart8eat.
CC: Okay, comments like t)(at R--E--ELY AR--EN'T K---ELPING!!
AG: Alright, alright, I'm dropping it!!!!!!!!
AG: Jegus, I figured a lady like you would 8e a8le to take a compliment gr8cefully.
AG: You don't have to freak out a8out it.
CC: W)(ale, it's a little FORWARD for a compliment, don't you t)(ink?
AG: May8e????????
AG: I don't know, I wasn't really thinking a8out it.
CC: 38P
CC: Lines just exist for you to cross t)(em, don't t)(ey?
AG: Hey, I just calls 'em like I sees 'em.
CC: W)(ale... t)(anks, I guess?
AG: Yeah, no pro8lem.
CC: Anyway, no, I'm not reely flus)(ed for Nepeta.
CC: And even if I W-ER-E, I don't t)(ink s)(e's interested.
AG: Yeah, fair enough.
AG: 8ut you'll at least admit she's hot.
CC: W)(at???
CC: I'll admit NO SUC)( T)(ING!!
AG: Oh, come oooooooon, tell me you wouldn't 8e all over that!!!!!!!!
CC: I JUST TOLD YOU I WOULDN'T!!!
CC: Vriska, w)(at is WIT)( you tonig)(t???
CC: You're being all W--EIRD AND FLIRTATIOUS, and it's kind of FR--EAKING M--E OUT!!!
AG: Well, excuuuuuuuuse me for 8eing surrounded on all sides 8y 8eautiful women!!!!!!!!
AG: I guess I'll just say a8solutely nothing at all a8out all these smoking hot 8a8es around me just 8ecause I have a m8sprit already!!!!!!!!
CC: W)(ale, I'm SAURY, but t)(is is NOT )(ow normal people talk!
CC: You're just sending me some R--E--ELY W--EIRD VIB--ES, and it's kind of )(aking me uncomfortable!
AG: Okay, okay, I'll stop with the random 8road appraisals.
AG: I don't know why you're freaking out so much a8out this anyway.
CC: It's just...
CC: W)(ale, it's reminding me of t)(is...
CC: T)(is, u)(, certain piece of fiction.
AG: Fiction?
AG: What are you talking a8out?
CC: Alrig)(t, look, do you promise you won't send t)(is to anybody else?
AG: Um....... sure, I guess?
CC: Okay, just read t)(is.
-- cuttlefishCuller [CC] sent arachnidsGrip [AG] the file "maiden voyage (vs/fp) [tw: dubcon, bloodplay].doc" --
AG: W8, is this........????????
CC: Just skim it over!
AG: Feferi, wh8t........
AG: Wh8t the f8ck is this????????
AG: Where th8 fuck d8d you get th8s????????
CC: Nepeta sent it to me a w)(ale ago!!
CC: Isn't it finny?
AG: F8nny???????? How the f8ck is it f8nny????????
AG: L8ke, this is........
AG: Th8s is an incr8di8ly expl8cit pornogr8phic story st8rring y8u and me!!!!!!!!
AG: Fef8ri, why the f8ck would y8u send me th8s????????
CC: I don't know! I just t)(oug)(t it was finny is all!!
CC: Like, apparently somebody requested t)(is or somet)(ing?
CC: But it certainly wasn't M--E!
CC: So w)(o could it )(ave even B--E--EN???
AG: I don't kn8w!!!!!!!!
CC: You t)(ink it was --Eridan, maybe?
CC: )(e was flus)(ed for me and black for you, so maybe )(--E requested it!
AG: Uh........
AG: Ye8h! It m8st've 8een Erid8n!!!!!!!!
CC: But no, if it were )(im, w)(y wouldn't )(e be IN it?
CC: I don't know w)(y )(e'd want to read a story aboat )(is kismesis getting )(is morayeel wasted and feeling )(er up!
AG: Er, yeah, I gu8ss not........
CC: W)(ale... Kanaya, maybe?
CC: S)(e was flus)(ed for you, and I guess we were... fronds?
AG: Yeah, it w8s Kan8ya!!!!!!!! Th8t m8st've 8een it!!!!!!!!
CC: 38?
CC: Vriska, you're acting kind of W--EIRD aboat t)(is.
AG: Some8ody comm8ssioned a sm8tty story a8out y8u and me do8ng unsp8aka8le th8ngs to each 8ther!!!!!!!!
AG: Of C8URSE I'm 8cting w8ird a8out 8t!!!!!!!!
CC: Ummm...
CC: Vriska...
CC: Are YOU t)(e one w)(o requested t)(is?
AG: Okay, fine, I'll admit it!!!!!!!!
AG: Yeah, it was me!!!!!!!! I'M the one who requested it!!!!!!!!
CC: 38O
AG: Look, it was........
AG: It was a long time ago, okay????????
AG: Like, just after I met you for the first time.
AG: And 8efore Eridan told me he was gonna introduce me to his moirail, I was like, "Oh maaaaaaaan, she's pro8a8ly gonna 8e a total dork."
AG: 8ut then I saw you, and I was like........
AG: "DAAAAAAAAMN!"
AG: And I asked Eridan, "Hey, does she have a m8sprit?" and he just gave me the most intense fucking death glare I've ever seen.
AG: So naturally, I 8acked off.
AG: 8ut if it weren't for the o8vious fundamental complic8ions, political and kismetic alike, I definitely would've considered courting you as a m8sprit.
AG: At the time.
AG: O8viously.
CC: U)(...
CC: Wow...
CC: I'm... FLATT--ER--ED, I guess?
AG: Yes, 8eing flattered is definitely the correct response.
AG: 8ut anyway let's talk a8out something else now!!!!!!!!
AG: Since I'm with Kanaya now and therefore that's o8viously something that's never going to happen so we don't have to talk a8out it ever again!!!!!!!!
CC: Yes okay let's do t)(at!!!!!
AG: So anyway, 8esides Nepeta........
AG: And that's o8viously the only person we were talking a8out for a potential m8sprit for you!!!!!!!!!
AG: 8esides Nepeta, who the fuck else could 8e your m8sprit????????
AG: Aradia, may8e?
AG: You have a thing for ro8ot ghost girls?
CC: U)(, not reely!
CC: Anyway, I )(IG)(LY trout s)(e'd be interested in M--E.
AG: Yeah, especially with the whole Sollux thing.
CC: --Er...
CC: T)(e w)(ole Sollux t)(ing?
AG: Um........
AG: You know they have a history, right?
CC: Kind of?
CC: Sollux never reely wants to get into t)(e details.
AG: Wellllllll, it's a long story........
AG: 8ut let's just say your current entanglement with Sollux would complic8 things and leave it at that.
CC: I guess I can settle for t)(at.
AG: 8ut 8esides her, there's who, Karkat and Equius?
AG: Wow, talk a8out the 8ottom of the fucking 8arrel.
CC: T)(ey're not T)(AT bad!
AG: Um, seriously????????
AG: You're not thinking a8out going after Karkat, are you????????
CC: O)( COD no! Carpcatfis)( can't STAND me!
AG: So........ Equius????????
AG: You can't seriously 8e thinking a8out 8eing m8sprits with Equius.
CC: W)(ale... I don't know, maybe!
AG: No.
AG: Feferi, no.
AG: Equius Zahhak is literally the 8iggest fucking tool I've ever met.
AG: W8, no, that doesn't even 8egin to do justice to what an enormous tool this guy is.
AG: Like, he transcends the level of merely 8eing a "tool."
AG: The guy is an entire fucking hardware store unto himself.
CC: )(e cannot POSSIBLY be t)(at bad!!
AG: Yes he fucking can.
AG: If there's one thing I've learned a8out Equius in my six sweeps, it's that he can 8e that 8ad.
AG: Always.
AG: Like, literally every time that thought has ever entered my mind, he de8unked it within hours.
AG: Why would you even THINK of 8eing m8sprits with him????????
CC: W)(ale, Nepeta suggested it!!
AG: Of course Nepeta suggested it, she's his fucking moirail!!!!!!!!
AG: The guy's a humorless, fetishistic hemofascist.
AG: Don't even fucking go there.
CC: O)(, like YOU'R--E one to even glub aboat F--ETIS)(--ES, MISS DOLOROSA MCBIT--EYVICTIM!!!
AG: ::::P
CC: ANYWAY, I'm not even seariously t)(inking aboat t)(is rig)(t now!
CC: I'm only t)(inking aboat w)(o my matesprit will be IF I end up becoming morayeels wit)( Sollux.
CC: And IF I do, T)(--EN I just MIG)(T be willing to give Mr. Za)()(ak t)(e benefis)( of t)(e trout!
CC: But aside from t)(at, I've got to consider potential morayeels, too!
AG: Well hey! What a8out Kanaya?
AG: She's 8een talking to me a8out how she wants a moirail, so may8e you two could hook up!
CC: 38/
CC: As muc)( as I APPR-ECIAT-E t)(e offer, I'm gonna )(ave to pass.
AG: Whaaaaaaaat????????
AG: What's wrong with Kanaya????????
CC: I never said t)(ere was anyt)(ing WRONG wit)( )(er!
AG: Oh come on, you dismissed the idea almost immedi8ely!!!!!!!!
AG: Not to mention that little slanty face you typed.
AG: You can't type a slanty face a8out my m8sprit and expect to get away with it, missy!!!!!!!!
CC: Look, I'm just not interested in )(er in a pale way, alrig)(t?
AG: Why not???????? She'd 8e a gr8 moirail!!!!!!!!
CC: R-E-ELY?
CC: Like s)(e was wit)( you??
AG: Whoa, hey, that was completely different.
AG: The only reason our moirallegiance was so lousy was 8ecause she was flushed for me.
AG: It'd 8e tooooooootally different with any8ody else!!!!!!!!
CC: Yea)(, t)(at's easy for YOU to say.
CC: I was watc)(ing t)(at s)(ip sink from t)(e sidelines, and it was NOT a pretty sig)(t.
AG: What????????
CC: Kanaya was giving me pretty muc)( constant second-)(and reports on )(ow t)(ings were going wit)( you guys.
CC: And it didn't --EXACTLY paint a pretty portrait of )(er competency as a morayeel. 38/
AG: Okay, Feferi, are you talking shit a8out my m8sprit????????
AG: 8ecause that's not cool. Seriously.
CC: I'm doing NOT)(ING of t)(e sort!!!
CC: I'm just trying to --EXPLAIN w)(y I don't want )(er as a morayeel!!
AG: Well, if you insist.
CC: W)(at do you M-EAN, "if I insist?"
CC: Just W)(AT part of my explanation is so )(ard to bereef???
AG: No, I 8elieve you and all, it's just........
AG: I don't know.
AG: I'm just sensing some........ tension 8etween you and Kanaya.
CC: If t)(ere's any T-ENC)(ION, it's all on )(-ER side!
CC: S)(-E's t)(e one w)(o's acting all weird and definsive aboat you!
AG: Defensive?
CC: You SAW )(er on t)(at last memo, didn't you?
CC: Making snippy little barbs at me and constantly glubbing aboat )(ow muc)( you guys were )(aking out.
CC: )(onestly, w)(at's )(er deal??
AG: Well, she's just passion8 is all.
AG: I think it's kind of cute, honestly.
CC: Yea)(, w)(ale, tell )(er to stop being passionate at M--E.
AG: Hahahahahahahaha, okay, fine.
CC: )(ey, you guys aren't )(aving any... PROBL-EMS or anyt)(ing, are you?
AG: Huh?
AG: Feferi, what are you talking a8out?
CC: I mean you and Kanaya!
AG: What? No, we're not having any pro8lems!
AG: Everything's gr8 8etween me and Kanaya!
CC: Reely?
AG: Yeah, really! Never 8een 8etter!
CC: W)(ale...
CC: If you guys ever DO )(ave any problems, you can always talk to me.
AG: Um........
AG: I appreci8 the offer, I guess?
AG: 8ut honestly, if Kanaya and I ever have any pro8lems, I'll pro8a8ly just talk to Kanaya a8out them.
AG: Or failing that, I'll just talk to Tavros.
CC: )(-EY! Speaking of Tavros, )(ow are t)(ings between you two??
AG: Oh, they're awesome, actually!!!!!!!!
AG: Well, I mean, things 8etween us specifically are awesome.
AG: Tavros himself is kind of freaking out a little, though.
CC: W)(at? W)(y??
AG: Well, he's starting to get all antsy and irrita8le.
AG: I think he might 8e getting the urge for a little 8lack romance, honestly!!!!!!!!
CC: O)( wow, R--E--ELY???
CC: I didn't t)(ink )(e )(ad it in )(im!!
AG: Oh, I knew he had it in him, 8ut I didn't realize he was gonna start itching for it!
AG: It's kind of........
AG: What's the word I'm looking for here????????
AG: I want to say "adora8le," 8ut that sounds too condescending.
CC: I T)(INK t)(e word you're looking for is "PROUD!"
AG: Proud? Is that something you can 8e for other people????????
CC: Of COURS----E it is!! 38P
AG: Okay, let me try this out........
AG: I am so, so proud of him.
AG: Yes!!!!!!!! That sentence DEFINITELY checks out!
CC: )(a)(a)(a, AW--ESOM--E! 38D
CC: But w)(o could be )(is kismesis, you t)(ink?
CC: -Equius, maybe? It seemed like t)(ey were sparring a w)(ale ago.
AG: See, that's what I was thinking, 8ut apparently Tavros isn't interested.
CC: W)(y not?
AG: I don't know! He's 8eing really cagey a8out it for some reason.
AG: He definitely doesn't like him, though.
AG: He doesn't like Sollux, either, for that matter.
AG: 8ut I think that's mostly 8ecause he has to deal with me after our little arguments. ::::P
CC: O)( wow.
CC: You don't t)(ink )(e's black for Sollux, do you?
AG: No, I don't think so.
AG: At least, he promised me he wouldn't go after Sollux as long as I was m8king my moves on him.
AG: I feel kind of 8ad, honestly, since I have all these other potential 8lack suitors and he's got like none.
CC: W)(ale, maybe t)(ere's somebody -ELS-E )(e's black for, and )(e just )(asn't told you yet!
AG: That's a possi8ility, I guess.
AG: Though I don't know why he'd feel the need to withhold it from me.
CC: Yea)(, I don't reely know eit)(er!
CC: But t)(ings are still cool between you two, rig)(t!
AG: Feferi.
AG: They're as cool as a sea cucum8er.
AG: BBBB)
CC: )(a)(a)(a)(a, GLUB Y--ES.
CC: )(onestly, I R-E-ELY envy you, Vriska!
CC: I fis)( I could )(ave a moirallegiance like you and Tavros )(ave!
AG: Well, I'm sure you'll find some8ody eventually.
AG: I think you'd 8e a damn good concili8or, honestly.
CC: W)(ale, T)(ANK you! 38)
AG: Yeah, don't mention it.
CC: )(ey, I )(ave kind of a weird question for you.
AG: What?
CC: Now, you don't )(ave to answer t)(is if you don't want to!
CC: But I'm just curious is all.
AG: Okaaaaaaaay, what is it?
CC: W)(ale...
CC: )(ave you and Tavros ever t)(oug)(t aboat...
CC: Taking t)(ings to t)(e next level?
AG: Um.
AG: What.
CC: You know, wit)( your moirallegiance!
AG: No, I don't know.
AG: What are you talking a8out????????
CC: I M--EAN, )(ave you ever t)(oug)(t aboat getting...
CC: P)(ysical?
AG: ::::O
AG: Feferi, are you talking a8out........
AG: Doing flushed stuff????????
CC: IT'S NOT FLUS)(--ED STUFF!! T)(at's t)(e w)(ole POINT!
AG: 8ut I mean........
AG: You're talking a8out, like........
AG: Kissing and stuff, right????????
CC: Y--EA)(!
CC: I mean, you two bot)( R-E-ELY like eac)( ot)(er, rig)(t?
AG: Well, yeah........
CC: W)(ale, I )(onestly t)(ink you two are at t)(e point in your relations)(ip w)(ere you could comfortably do stuff like t)(at!
AG: Seriously????????
AG: 8ut I mean, we're moirails!
AG: We're not supposed to do stuff like that, right????????
CC: Look, moirallegiance may not be --EXACTLY t)(e same as matesprits)(ip, but it's still a form of romance!
CC: And I t)(ink t)(e usual state of conciliation is just t)(e first stage of many, and it's just t)(at most morayeels never get past it.
CC: Morayeels are SUPPOS--ED to be aboat dealing wit)( eac)( ot)(er's problems, but w)(at do you do w)(en you run out of t)(ings to fix??
CC: Just call your job done and break t)(ings off???
AG: You can't run out of pro8lems, that's stupid.
CC: W)(ale, no, but t)(ey can slow to a trickle!
CC: And t)(en you're stuck wit)( somebody w)(o you R-E-ELY like w)(o you've s)(aped to be a pretty awesome person.
CC: I don't t)(ink it's W--EIRD t)(at you could be as intimate wit)( a morayeel like t)(at as you could wit)( your matesprit!
CC: I mean, you're AL--READY getting intimate wit)( t)(em w)(en you settle down in t)(e privacy of a pile for a feelings jam!
CC: W)(at's t)(e difference if you just so )(appen to kiss eac)( ot)(er, or anyt)(ing --ELS--E like t)(at?
AG: Well, I guess I see your point.
AG: 8ut do you seriously think it's okay for me and Tavros to do stuff like that????????
CC: S)(OR--E! You two are obviously R--E--ELY close!
CC: I don't t)(ink anybody s)(oald )(ave a problem wit)( it!
CC: W)(ale, unless... you t)(ink Kanaya mig)(t )(ave a problem wit)( it.
CC: I reelize s)(e probably )(as a very... COLOR-ED perspective on moirallegiance.
CC: But if s)(e R--E--ELY loves you, s)(e s)(oald be able to accept it!
AG: Feferi.
AG: You're talking shit a8out my m8sprit again.
CC: No I'm not!!!!!
AG: Look, I don't have a pro8lem with you talking shit a8out Kanaya.
AG: I'm just saying, m8ke it official.
CC: W)(at??
AG: If you want to insult Kanaya, it 8etter 8e your jo8.
AG: You know, m8ke her your kismesis.
CC: >38O
CC: W)(AAAAT??????
CC: W)(en t)(e GLUBBING S)(----ELL did I ----EV----ER suggest I was interested in )(er like t)(at?????
AG: Hey, I never said you were!
AG: I'm just saying if you want to keep talking smack on my m8sprit, there's only one way I'm gonna find it accepta8le.
CC: Okay, okay, FIN---E!
CC: I'll be a little more... CONSID--ERAT--E w)(en I'm talking aboat Kanaya!!!
AG: You don't have to, you know!
AG: If you want to 8e her kismesis, that'd 8e totally awesome.
AG: I'm picturing it now, and the mental image percol8ing here is DEFINITELY hot as fuck........
CC: >38O
CC: NO!!!!
CC: C---EAS---E YOUR LASCIVIOUS P---ERCOLATING AT ONC-----E!!!!
AG: Nope, too l8! The 8rew is complete, and now my cup overfloweth with un8elieva8ly sexy images of you two h8 snogging!!!!!!!!
AG: Ooooooooh, I wouldn't mind getting in the middle of that, actually.
AG: Having you two thrash a8out a8ove me while my head is smothered in the four 8iggest vestigial thoracic 8rucite glands in paradox space........
CC: STOP TALKING ABOAT MY BROOBS!!!!!!!!!!
AG: Well, soooooooorry for having a healthy appreci8ion for a nice pair of 8roo8s!!!!!!!!
CC: APOLOGY NOT ACC----EPT----ED!!! >38C
CC: Anyway, ----ENOUG)( ABOAT T)(IS!!!
CC: It's a COMPL---ET---ELY RIDICULOUS ID---EA, and I will )(ear NO MOR---E OF IT!!!
AG: Oh, whatever, like you've even got any room to judge!!!!!!!!
AG: YOU'RE the one who's suggesting I start filling pails with Tavros!
CC: I N--EV--ER SUGG--EST--ED T)(AT!
CC: All I said was I t)(oug)(t you guys mig)(t be in a plaice w)(ere you could afford to be more intimate.
CC: If your t)(oug)(ts go straig)(t to pails after t)(at, it's sole-ly because YOUR t)(ink pan is planted firmly in t)(e road-perip)(eral rainwater overflow drainage trenc)(, NOT mine!
AG: Okay, fair enough, I guess.
AG: 8ut really, I don't get why you're 8ringing this up.
AG: Do you have some kind of active interest in me and Tavros doing stuff like this????????
CC: W)(ale, not you two SP--ECIFICALLY!
CC: But I'm just interested to sea if a moirallegiance could end up playing out t)(is way!
CC: And since you and Tavros are pretty muc)( t)(e best morayeels I know, I figured you mig)(t be able to do it!
AG: Well........ I'm flattered, I guess?
AG: 8ut just where did this sudden scientific curiosity come from?
AG: Do you want to 8ecome rails with pails with Sollux or something, is that it????????
CC: >38O
CC: I N--EV--ER SAID T)(AT!!!
CC: I'm just interested in t)(e pale quadrant in general, okay??
CC: I know nobody else reely gives a s)(ip aboat it, but I )(ave a lot of emoceanal weig)(t invested in it!
CC: So I mean... would you be willing to try it?
CC: For SCI--ENC--E???
AG: Well........
AG: To tell the truth, I've kind of 8een wanting to try it anyway.
CC: R--E--ELY???
AG: I was kind of freaking out a8out it, honestly!
AG: I was afraid I was 8ecoming flushed for Tavros, and it was gonna mess up everything 8etween us.
AG: 8ut if you really think we could do........ stuff like that without screwing up our moirallegiance, I GUESS I'd be willing to give it a shot.
AG: You know, for science.
CC: )(a)(a)(a, t)(at's GR--EAT!
CC: )(ey, maybe it'll kelp out Tavros, too!
CC: Kelp relieve some of this STR-ESS )(e's been under recently!
AG: Hahahahahahahaha, yeah, may8e.
AG: Well, I'll talk to him a8out it, I guess.
CC: AW--ESOM--E!!! 38D
AG: Yeah, you're welcome.
CC: )(a)(a, of course, t)(ank you!
AG: Anyway, I'm pro8a8ly gonna go soon.
AG: 8ut 8efore I do, I'm just gonna warn you again:
AG: Don't let Captor pull this wishy-washy 8ullshit on you.
AG: Seriously.
CC: W)(y are you so insistent aboat t)(at??
AG: 8ecause if you don't put your foot down and tell the guy what you want, you're gonna keep vacill8ing all the way to the grave.
AG: Literally.
CC: 38?
AG: I know red-pale vacill8ion isn't nearly as 8ad as red-8lack, 8ut it has a tendency to drag on foreverrrrrrrr.
AG: ESPECIALLY when you're dealing with a repeat offender like Sollux.
CC: Um, w)(at???
AG: You know what I mean, right?
CC: No...??
AG: Oh man, I can't 8elieve I'm the one who has to tell you this.
AG: Okay, look.
AG: 8efore the whole "me fucking up every8ody's lives like a huge psychotic 8itch" fiasco........
AG: He was doing this exact same thing to Aradia.
CC: 38O
CC: Seariously???
AG: Cross my dorsal tu8e and hope to die.
AG: I think she might have 8een flushed for him?
AG: Or may8e it was pale?
AG: I don't know, 8ecause she never stopped putting up with his smoke-screening 8ullshit and told him what she wanted either.
AG: And I know I of all people don't have any fucking right to cast any aspersions on their rel8ionship........
AG: 8ut I really h8 to see history repeat itself, especially like this.
CC: )(mmm...
AG: I'm just telling you this 8ecause I give a shit a8out you.
AG: Just tell the guy what you want.
AG: If you w8 for him to tell you, you're gonna w8 forever.
CC: W)(ale...
CC: Maybe you're rig)(t.
CC: But... w)(at if I tell )(im w)(at I want, and )(e doesn't want t)(e same t)(ing from me?
AG: Well, you said you'd 8e happy 8eing his m8sprit or his moirail, right?
AG: Worst case scenario is he turns down your first offer and accepts your second.
CC: T)(at's true, I guess.
CC: But w)(at if I want one more t)(an t)(e ot)(er?
AG: Honestly, I don't know what to tell you.
AG: It's a risk you'll just have to t8ke, I guess.
AG: 8ut if he likes you as much as you like him, then may8e it won't m8ke a difference to him what quadrant you're in.
CC: Yea)(, you're probably rig)(t.
CC: I guess I s)(oald tell )(im.
CC: Just... maybe not rig)(t away.
AG: Well, do it soon, at least!
AG: The sooner this chump gets over his rel8ionship issues, the sooner I can m8ke him realize just how much he h8es me!!!!!!!! >::::)
CC: )(a)(a)(a, Y--EA)(!
CC: Anyway, t)(anks for t)(e advice, Vriska.
CC: I reelize most people would probably t)(ink I'm INSAN--E to take advice aboat Sollux from you, but )(onestly, I t)(ink you know )(im better than t)(ey'd give you credit for.
AG: Well, kind of.
AG: Know your enemy and all that.
CC: )(a)(a, --EXACTLY!
CC: But I'll take it to )(eart.
AG: You mean you'll t8ke it to collapsing and expanding 8ladder-8ased aquatic vascular system?
CC: W)(AL--E I DIDN'T --E--EL LIK--E B--EATING T)(AT PARTICULAR JOK--E INTO T)(--E S--EAB--ED, OKAY?????
AG: Fuuuuuuuuck, okay.
AG: Anyway, I gotta go.
AG: Or should I say........ I gotta sk8????????
CC: )(a)(a)(a)(a, t)(at just 8AR--------ELY qualifies as a fish pun!!!!!!!!
AG: Yeah, yeah, aaaaaaaanywave.
AG: Glu8 at you l8er, I guess?
CC: Of COURS--------E! 38888D
AG: Hahahahahahahaha, awesome.
AG: Anyway, 8ye, Feferi <3
CC: Um.
CC: Yea)(, bye Vriska! <3

cuttlefishCuller [CC] ceased trolling arachnidsGrip [AG].

AG: Yessssssss, that's right, little heiress.
AG: Come into my parlor <3
AG: Said the spider to the fry.
AG: Hahahahahahahaha.

arachnidsGrip [AG] ceased trolling cuttlefishCuller [CC].

***

twinArmageddons [TA] began trolling adiosToreador [AT].

TA: hey tv.
AT: oH, sOLLUX,
AT: wHAT'S UP,
TA: ii need two a2k you for a favor.
AT: uH, oKAY,
AT: l1KE WHAT,
TA: ii need you two get vk two 2top talkiing two ff.
AT: oKAY,
AT: 1S THAT ALL,
TA: 2o waiit.
TA: are you 2ayiing you'll do iit?
AT: nO, 1 MEAN,
AT: 1S THAT ALL YOU WANTED TO TALK TO ME ABOUT,
TA: uh...
TA: ii gue22 2o?
AT: rEALLY,
AT: nOTH1NG ELSE TO D1SCUSS AT ALL,
TA: ii don't know.
TA: liike what?
AT: oH MY FUCK1NG GOD,
AT: oKAY, s1NCE YOU'VE APPARENTLY NEVER HAD A CONVERSAT1ON W1TH SOMEONE BEFORE 1N YOUR ENT1RE L1FE,
AT: 1 GUESS 1'LL JUST HAVE TO HANDLE YOUR S1DE OF THE D1SCUSS1ON MYSELF,
AT: "hEY, tAVROS, hOW ARE YOU,"
AT: oH, yOU KNOW, 1'M OKAY,
AT: "hOW ARE TH1NGS W1TH YOU AND gAMZEE,"
AT: tHEY'RE PRETTY MUCH AMAZ1NG, tHANKS FOR ASK1NG,
AT: "oKAY, wELL, hOW ABOUT TH1NGS W1TH THE MO1RA1L,"
AT: tHEY'RE NOT SO HOT, aCTUALLY,
AT: "oH REALLY, wHY 1S THAT,"
AT: wELL, sHE'S REALLY BLACK FOR TH1S GUY,
AT: aND HE'S CONSTANTLY G1V1NG HER SH1T ON PUBL1C MEMOS,
AT: bUT HE COMPLETELY DEN1ES BE1NG BLACK FOR HER,
AT: aND 1T'S REALLY START1NG TO MAKE HER UPSET,
AT: aND NOW, jUST TO ADD 1NSULT TO 1NJURY,
AT: tHE GUY HAS THE NERVE TO CONTACT ME 1N PR1VATE AND TELL ME TO MAKE HER STOP BE1NG FR1ENDS W1TH ONE OF H1S FR1ENDS BECAUSE 1T ANNOYS HIM,
AT: "oH WOW, tHAT GUY SOUNDS L1KE A REAL ASSHOLE,"
AT: "wHO 1S HE,"
AT: wELL, hERE 1S THE TH1NG,
AT: yOU ARE THE ASSHOLE,
AT: 1T'S YOU,
AT: "oH SH1T,"
AT: "1 GUESS 1 AM A COMPLETE ASSHOLE, hUH,"
AT: yEP,
AT: yOU MOST CERTA1NLY ARE,
AT: "oKAY, wELL, nEVERM1ND THAT STUP1D TH1NG 1 JUST SA1D,"
AT: "1'M GO1NG TO LEAVE YOU ALONE AND STOP BE1NG SUCH A P1ECE OF SH1T TO YOUR MO1RA1L NOW,"
AT: aWESOME, tHANK YOU,
AT: "oKAY, bYE,"
AT: yES, bYE,
AT: aND, 1DEALLY, aT TH1S PO1NT, yOU WOULD S1GN OFF,
AT: bUT 1 GUESS 1 CAN'T ACTUALLY MAKE YOU DO THAT,
TA: um.
TA: tv, what the fuck.
AT: wHAT DO YOU MEAN, wHAT THE FUCK,
AT: cLEARLY, tHAT THE FUCK,
AT: tHE FUCK 1S ALMOST CERTA1NLY SELF-EV1DENT,
TA: are you pii22ed at me or 2omethiing?
AT: k1ND OF, yES,
AT: 1S THAT REALLY SO HARD TO BEL1EVE,
TA: ii don't know, ii gue22 not.
TA: but 2tiill, ii thought we were friiend2 or 2omethiing.
AT: wELL,
AT: wHY D1D YOU TH1NK THAT,
TA: um...
AT: l1KE,
AT: wHEN WAS THE LAST T1ME YOU EVEN SPOKE TO ME,
AT: aND 1 MEAN SPEC1F1CALLY YOU SPOKE TO ME,
AT: nOT THE OTHER WAY AROUND,
TA: okay, 2o maybe ii've been kiind of a 2hiitty friiend.
TA: and ii'll admiit you're probably not the fiir2t guy ii've been a 2hiitty friiend two before.
TA: 2o 2orry about that.
TA: but why are you pii22ed at me now?
AT: yOU'VE G1VEN ME SEVERAL REASONS TO BE ANGRY AT YOU,
AT: bUT PROBABLY THE B1GGEST ONE 1S WHAT YOU'RE DOING W1TH vR1SKA,
TA: you mean, what 2he's doiing wiith me?
AT: hEY, wOW, lOOK, tHAT'S NOT WHAT 1 SA1D,
AT: mAYBE TRY READ1NG THE SENTENCE AS WR1TTEN,
AT: bECAUSE THERE'S A REASON 1 WROTE 1T THAT WAY,
TA: okay, ju2t what have ii been doiing two vk?
AT: yOU'VE BEEN FUCK1NG W1TH HER HEAD,
AT: tELL1NG HER YOU'RE NOT BLACK FOR HER, aND THEN B1TCH1NG HER OUT FOR COMPLETELY NO REASON,
AT: 1 REAL1ZE HOW MUCH YOU LOVE YOUR STUP1D B1FURCAT1ON G1MM1CK, bUT COULD YOU JUST TH1S ONE T1ME, sTOP DO1NG TWO TH1NGS AT ONCE,
TA: what? no.
TA: 2he's the one who's goiing after me on the2e memos, okay?
TA: ii diidn't 2tart any of thii2 2hiit.
AT: oKAY, nO,
AT: oN THAT MEMO YESTERDAY, yOU JUST COMPLETELY ATTACKED HER OUT OF THE BLUE,
AT: tHE ONLY REASON 1 CAN SEE FOR YOU DO1NG 1T 1S BECAUSE SHE MENT1ONED JUST HOW MUCH YOU WERE 1NSULTING HER W1THOUT PROMPT1NG,
TA: okay, fiine, ii 2tarted 11t that tiime.
TA: but hone2tly, ii'm just kiind of gettiing 2iick of thii2 whole fuckiing deal.
TA: ii'm not black for her, alriight?
TA: ii2 that really 2o hard two beliieve?
AT: tHE, uH,
AT: sHOUT1NG AT HER, sPEC1F1CALLY, 1S THE PART THAT MAKES 1T HARD TO BEL1EVE,
AT: yOU KNOW, 1N CASE YOU WERE WONDER1NG,
TA: yeah, well, 2orry about that.
TA: but ii'm ju2t tiired of beiing the target of everyone'2 unrequiited black 2oliiciitatiion2.
AT: rEALLY,
AT: bECAUSE YOU NEVER D1D TH1S W1TH eR1DAN,
TA: yeah, well, ed wa2 more "annoyiing" than "completely horriible iin every po22iible way."
AT: oKAY, f1RST OF ALL,
AT: aSSESSMENTS L1KE THAT REALLY AREN'T HELP1NG YOUR CASE,
AT: tHAT CASE BE1NG THAT YOU'RE NOT BLACK FOR vR1SKA,
AT: aND SECOND,
AT: cOULD YOU SER1OUSLY STOP CONSTANTLY TALK1NG ABOUT WHAT A HORR1BLE PERSON MY MO1RA1L 1S,
AT: 1'D REALLY APPREC1ATE 1T, THANKS,
TA: tv, ii'm not tryiing to iin2ult you per2onally here.
AT: yOU'RE NOT TRY1NG, bUT YOU ARE ANYWAY,
AT: tRULY, tHESE ARE THE CAREFREE STROKES OF A MASTER 1NSULTRAMAR1NE,
TA: 2o what, ii can't talk 2hiit about her wiithout talkiing 2hiit about you two?
AT: nO, nOT EXACTLY,
AT: tHERE ARE SEVERAL WAYS OF 1NSULT1NG HER THAT WOULDN'T BE PART1CULARLY 1NSULT1NG TO ME,
AT: l1KE, yOU COULD SAY SHE'S NEEDY, oR H1STR1ON1C, oR PUSHY,
AT: oR THAT SHE'S ON OCCAS1ON ENT1RELY TOO EXPL1C1T WHEN TALK1NG ABOUT PART1CULAR SUBJECTS,
AT: aND 1 WOULDN'T TAKE ANY OFFENSE AT THAT, bECAUSE LET'S BE HONEST, tHEY'RE ALL PRETTY MUCH TRUE,
AT: bUT WHEN YOU SAY TH1NGS L1KE SHE'S A BACKSTABB1NG, fR1END-MURDERING SOC1OPATH, 1 TEND TO TAKE OFFENSE,
AT: bECAUSE THOSE ARE TH1NGS THAT AREN'T TRUE ANYMORE,
AT: aND 1 WOULD L1KE TO TH1NK THAT MY BE1NG HER MO1RA1L 1S THE PR1MARY REASON THEY ARE CURRENTLY FALSE,
AT: sO COULD YOU PLEASE JUST FUCK1NG STOP THAT,
TA: 2o what, you want me two forgiive her for everythiing 2he's done?
AT: 1 D1DN'T SAY THAT,
AT: 1 JUST SA1D 1F YOU'RE GO1NG TO CONSTANTLY HARASS HER, dO 1T FOR WHO SHE 1S AND WHAT SHE'S DO1NG, nOT WHO SHE WAS AND WHAT SHE'S DONE 1N THE PAST,
TA: ii can't ju2t iignore all the 2hiit 2he diid.
TA: ii mean, hone2tly, tv, 2he broke your leg2.
TA: diid you ju2t forget about that?
AT: nO, oF COURSE NOT,
AT: bUT SHE APOLOG1ZED TO ME, aND SHE MADE 1T CLEAR THAT SHE TRULY WANTED TO MAKE 1T UP TO ME, aND SHE D1D,
AT: aND BEFORE YOU ASK, 1T WASN'T JUST BY HELP1NG ME GO GOD T1ER,
AT: tHERE WAS A LOT MORE TO 1T THAN THAT, tRUST ME,
TA: 2o what, doe2 2he want two make thiing2 up two me, two?
AT: pROBABLY, yES,
AT: eVEN THOUGH SHE HATES YOU,
TA: and ju2t how ii2 2he goiing two do that?
TA: for fuck'2 2ake, 2he made me kiill aa.
TA: how do you even make up for 2omethiing liike that?
AT: hONESTLY, 1 DON'T KNOW,
AT: bUT SHE REALLY 1S TRY1NG TO MAKE UP FOR WHAT SHE'S DONE,
AT: tHE WHOLE flarp1NG TH1NG SHE D1D W1TH tEREZ1 WAS AN ATTEMPT TO MAKE 1T UP TO HER,
AT: 1'M SURE SHE'LL TH1NK OF A WAY TO DO 1T FOR YOU,
AT: tHOUGH YOU WON'T NECESSAR1LY L1KE 1T,
AT: g1VEN THE WHOLE, yOU KNOW, hER HAT1NG YOU TH1NG,
TA: ugh.
TA: well, why don't you tell her that iif 2he really want2 to make thiing2 up two me...
TA: 2he can 2tart by gettiing out of my liife and out of ff'2 liife and never 2peakiing two eiither of u2 agaiin.
AT: 1S SHE BOTHER1NG fEFER1 OR SOMETH1NG,
TA: no, that'2 the problem.
TA: ff liike2 her, for 2ome biizarre rea2on.
AT: hEY, mAYBE TH1S 1S JUST ME,
AT: bUT THAT SEEMS L1KE A TH1NG THAT 1SN'T ACTUALLY A PROBLEM,
TA: of cour2e iit'2 a fuckiing problem.
AT: oKAY, 1 GUESS 1 HAVE SUDDENLY GONE BL1ND,
AT: sO EXPLA1N TO ME WHAT'S WRONG W1TH THAT,
TA: becau2e iit