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Chapter 4

A Thief in the Light, a Prince in the Shadows

CURRENT arsenicCatnip [CAC] RIGHT NOW opened memo on board :33 < THE SHIPPING WALL.

CAC: :33 < *the rogue of heart sits at her shipping desk, reviewing her relationship charts*
CAC: :33 < *s33ing you enter, she looks up and says*
CAC: :33 < oh hello again! welcome to the second memo!
CAC: :33 < furst of all, thanks to sollux for setting up the tempurral locks!
CAC: :33 < im not really sure how they work, so ill let him explain it
PAST twinArmageddons [PTA] 22 MINUTES AGO responded to memo.
PTA: iit'2 not that hard to under2tand, really.
PTA: ba2iically anybody further iin the future than 30 miinute2 can't re2pond two the memo.
PTA: and anybody further iin the pa2t than 30 miinute2 can't even viiew iit.
CAC: :33 < yes! thank you sollux
PTA: hey, don't thank me.
PTA: ff wa2 the one twii2tiing my arm iintwo doiing it, for whatever rea2on.
PAST cuttlefishCuller [PCC] 12 MINUTES AGO responded to memo.
PCC: Because NO SPOIL-ERS!
PCC: T)(AT'S C)(---EATING!!
PTA: that ii2 2uch a 2hiity rea2on that iit'2 hone2tly kiind of adorable.
PCC: YOUR STUPID FIS)(Y FAC--E IS S)(ITTY AND ALSO ADORABL--E!!
PTA: eheh yeah, iit kiind of ii2.
PCC: Glub glub glub!! 38D
PCC: ANYWAY, the R-E-EL reason is just to avoid weird time s)(it in general!
PCC: I don't want a sc)(ool of stupid past and future Carpkats invading t)(ese memos too!
PTA: ugh, yeah, kk ii2 ju2t 2o 2tupiid 2ometiime2.
PTA: ii offerred two 2et up blockiing on hii2 2hiitty memo2, but he gave me 2ome bull2hiit excu2e about not wantiing two 2top any future 2elve2 from 2endiing back u2eful adviice.
PTA: truth ii2 ii thiink he get2 off on yelliing at hiim2elf.
PAST carcinoGeneticist [PCG] 24 MINUTES AGO responded to memo.
PCG: THAT IS SUCH A HEINOUS FUCKING ACCUSATION THAT I'M HONESTLY NOT SURE WHERE TO BEGIN.
PCG: SO I GUESS I'LL START HERE:
PCG: IF YOU'RE HONESTLY INSINUATING THAT I HAVE ANY SORT OF CALIGINOUS INCLINATIONS TOWARD MY TEMPORALLY DISPLACED SELVES, YOU MUST HAVE YOUR HEAD LODGED SO FAR UP YOUR NOOK THAT YOU MUST BE GENTLY EXFOLIATING YOUR FACE WITH YOUR OWN FECES AS WE SPEAK.
FUTURE carcinoGeneticist [FCG]
18 MINUTES FROM NOW responded to memo.
FCG: HEY PAST ME, JUST AN UPDATE.
PCG: OH GOD, YOU'RE NOT ABOUT TO PROVE HIS POINT, ARE YOU?
FCG: NO, I JUST WANTED TO LET YOU KNOW THAT HERE IN THE FUTURE, SOLLUX'S HEAD HAS MOVED EVEN FURTHER UP HIS DIGESTIVE TRACT, AND HIS STUPID BESPECTACLED FACE IS STEWING IN HIS OWN DIGESTIVE ACIDS AT THIS VERY MOMENT.
PCG: EXCELLENT, AN EXCHANGE WITH ONE OF MY FUTURE SELVES HAS RESULTED IN ME RECEIVING PERTINENT FUTURE INFORMATION WITHOUT ANY EXCHANGE OF HOSTILITIES WHATSOEVER, PLATONIC OR OTHERWISE.
PCG: SCORE ANOTHER ONE FOR KARKATS EVERYWHEN.
FCG: RIGHT, THE SCORE NOW STANDS AT KARKAT 563, SOLLUX ASSHOLE.
PTA: wow, you iin2ulted me two tiime2 42 miinute2 apart.
PTA: hell2 of u2eful exchange of iinformatiion there, bro.
PTA: fuck iit, relea2e the floodgate2, let'2 ju2t have fiifty fuckiing kk2 iin every memo.
PCG: IT'D BE A HELL OF A LOT FUCKING BETTER THAN FIFTY FUCKING SOLLUXES IN EVERY MEMO.
PCG: JUST AN ENDLESS YELLOW STREAM OF ALTERNATING BLOATED HACKER AUTOFELLATIO AND MISERABLE WHINY SELF-FLAGELLATION.
FCG: OR HEY, HOW ABOUT FIFTY SOLLUXES AND FIFTY FEFERIS?
FCG: TAKE THE TWO MOST ANNOYING FUCKING QUIRKS IN EXISTENCE, PAINT THEM IN EYE-SEARING STRIPES OF MUSTARD AND GRAPEFRUIT, AND UNLEASH THEM UPON THE ENTIRE TIMESTREAM LIKE A SUICIDE-INDUCING PLAGUE.
PCG: HOLY FUCK, I THINK WE MIGHT HAVE A DOOMSDAY SCENARIO ON OUR HANDS.
PCG: HEY ARADIA, ARE THERE ANY TIMELINES WHERE OUR MEMOS GET FLOODED WITH LITTLE MISS FISH PRINCESS AND THE BIPOLAR WONDER'S CONSTANT INSUFFERABLE FLIRTING AND WE ALL GO BLIND?
CURRENT apocalypseArisen [CAA] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.
CAA: n0
CAA: thats stupid
CAA
ceased responding to memo.
PCG: OH.
PCG: THAT WAS A JOKE, BUT OKAY.
PCC: Ug)(, Karcrab, S)(UT UP!!!
PCC: Multiples of you are bad enoug)( w)(en t)(ey're fig)(ting wit)( eac)( ot)(er, but some)(ow you're even WORS-E w)(en you agree on t)(ings!
PCC: And I'd rat)(er talk to a )(UNDR-ED Solluxes t)(an ANY two of you!!
CAC: :33 < karkitty, i have to agr33
CAC: :33 < this whole thing is getting kind of silly!
PCG: OH, WHAT, SO VRISKA GETS A FREE PASS TO SPOUT HER SOCIOPATHIC DRIVEL ALL OVER YOUR MEMOS, BUT AS SOON AS A FEW KARKATS TRY TO DOUBLE TEAM A SMUG PRICK OF A PROGRAMMER, IT'S SUDDENLY A PROBLEM?
FCG: YEAH, IN CASE YOU DIDN'T NOTICE, SOLLUX WAS SPREADING SOME PRETTY VICIOUS FUCKING LIBEL ABOUT US.
FCG: WHAT THE FUCK ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO, JUST SIT HERE AND TAKE IT?
PCG: OR IS THIS THE PLACE WHERE PEOPLE ARE JUST ALLOWED TO MAKE BASELESS SPECULATION ON WHATEVER IDIOTIC KISMESISSITUDES THEY CAN THINK OF?
PCG: BECAUSE HERE'S ONE: NEPETA <3< BASIC FUCKING DECENCY.
CAC: XOO < rawwrrr shut uuuuuup!!!!
CAC
banned PCG from responding to memo.
CAC banned FCG from responding to memo.
CAC: :33 < im trying to make an impurrtant ameowncement, but you k33p pushing it back with your stupid time shit!!
FUTURE centaursTesticle [FCT] 21 MINUTES FROM NOW responded to memo.
FCT: D --> Language, Nepeta
CAC: :33 < oops, sorry equius :((
CAC: :33 < oh, that reminds me!
CAC: :33 < i n33d to talk to you about something!
FCT: D --> Yes, I know
FCT: D --> We have already di%ussed it from my perspe%ive
CAC: :33 < ugh, s33?
CAC: :33 < these self-furfilling time loops are exactly the kind of crap im trying to avoid!!
FCT: D --> Nepeta
CAC: :33 < i know, language, sorry!!
CAC: :33 < is that all you came here fur, to tell me to watch my meowth?
FCT: D --> Well
FCT: D --> That, and possibly to remind you to speak to me
FCT: D --> Time 100ps are admittedly not my area of e%pertise
CAC: :33 < ok, ill talk to you after i close this memo
CAC: :33 < unless you want to stick around fur some shipping advice!
FCT: D --> No
FCT: D --> Abso100tely not
CAC: :33 < come oooooon!
FCT: D --> I refuse to take any further part in this f001ishness
FCT
ceased responding to memo.
CAC: :33 < fine, whatefur!
CAC: :33 < anyway, i have an impurrtant ameowncement to make!
CAC: :33 < i hereby ameownce that opurration: closing the serket was a total success!
CAC: :33 < all of her ships have been completely and utterly shipped!
CAC: :33 < and i dont really know why she hasnt respawnded yet!
CURRENT arachnidsGrip [CAG] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.
CAG: Yeah, yeah, I'm here!!!!!!!!
CAG: Sorry, I'm just a little lightheaded right now.
CAG: Lost quite a 8it of 8lood recently, haha.
CAC: :33 < oh no really???
CAC: :33 < what happened?
CURRENT grimAuxiliatrix [CGA] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.
CGA: Basilisk Ambush
CAG: Right, that was it, 8asilisk am8ush.
CAG: Sneaky 8astards, those 8asilisks.
CAC: :33 < kanaya! care to break the news yourself?
CGA: With Pleasure
CGA: Vriska And I Are No Longer Moirails
CGA: We Are Now Matesprits
PCC: 38O
PCC: R-E-E-E-ELY??
CAG: Ohhhhhhhh yessssssss.
CAG: >::::D
PCC: W)(ale, t)(at's FINTASTIC!!
PCC: I am SO )(APPY for you two!!!
PTA: ff, ii'm okay wiith beiing happy for ky, but do you really have two be happy for vk?
PCC: Y-ES I DO!!!
PCC: It is a joyous occasion, and I am -EXCIT-ED for ALL PARTI-ES INVOLV-ED!!!
PCC: And if you've got a problem wit)( it, you can just GLUB OFF!
PCC: >38U
CAG: Yeah, Sollux, why don't you just hop off my 8ulge already????????
PTA: oh, for fuck'2 2ake.
PTA: for the la2t tiime, II AM NOT FUCKIING FLIIRTIING WIITH YOU.
CAG: Oh, suuuuuuuure you aren't.
PCC: NOBODY CAR-ES ABOUT T)(IS RIG)(T NOW.
CAC: :33 < yeah, i have to agr33 with fefurry
CAC: :33 < this isnt the time or the place fur blackrom, guys!
CAC: :33 < or platonic hate or whatefur stupid thing it is!
PTA: ugh, whatever. fuck thii2, ii'm out.
PTA
ceased responding to memo.
PCC: W)(AL-E FIN-E TH-EN, YOU BIG POUTY J-ERK! 38P
PCC: So )(ow did you two become flus)(ed for eac)( other?
CGA: Well
CGA: To Tell The Truth
CGA: I Have Been From The Very Beginning
PCC: Reely? 38?
CGA: Yes
CGA: I Never Really Wanted To Be Vriskas Moirail In The First Place
PCC: T)(at... explains a lot, actually!
CGA: And While I Ended Up Being A Pretty Terrible Moirail To Her Overall
CGA: I Nonetheless Must Have Succeeded In Ingratiating Myself With Her In My Own Way
CGA: As When I Confessed My Affection For Her She Reciprocated With Remarkably Little Hesitation
CAG: God, Kanaya, you m8ke it sound like I just hopped into your w8ing arms!!!!!!!!
CGA: Well
CGA: You Kind Of Did
CAG: I didn't even!!!!!!!!
PCC: )(-E )(-E )(-E!
CAG: Look, 8efore, Kanaya was just my moirail.
CAG: I regarded her as a nuisance at 8est.
CAG: 8ut there were all these little things I kind of liked about her.
CAG: And in retrospect, all of those things were a little redder than I should have expected from a palem8.
CAG: 8ut I was totally 8lind to it all, 8ecause I'd convinced myself I was a 8ad person and I wasn't worth any8ody's red feelings.
PAST twinArmageddons [PTA] 20 MINUTES AGO responded to memo.
PTA: who 2ay2 you 2tiill aren't?
CAG: Can it, Captor!!!!!!!!
PTA: eheheh, fuckiing owned.
PTA
ceased responding to memo.
CAG: Not flirting with me my ass!!!!!!!!
CAG: Anyway, Nepeta sprang this incredi8ly devious romance am8ush on me, of which I won't reveal too many details in case she wants to do it to some8ody else.
CAC: :33 < that purrobably wont be necessary
CAC: :33 < im k33ping my claws crossed, anyways!
CAG: And she 8asically completely wrecked my shit and showed me what a tool I was 8eing for thinking like that.
CAG: So when Kanaya confessed to me, I realized I could pretty much have all the things I liked a8out her and none of the stupid moirail stuff I h8ted a8out her.
CGA: And We Could Kiss Too
CAG: Oh god, YES.
CAG: I'll admit when I first said I was flushed for her, I was maaaaaaaay8e 88% certain.
CAG: 8ut the kiss sealed the deal pretty much forever.
CAG: Just a heads up to any potential kismesisses: Kanaya Maryam is an amazing fucking kisser.
CAG: And a really good 8iter too, incidentally.
CGA: Vriska That Is Not Information For A Public Forum
CAG: Whoops, sorry.
CGA: No Youre Not
CGA: But Its Okay
CAG: Hahahahahahahaha, yeah, you're right.
PCC: W)(ale, I am R-E-ELY --ECSTATIC for you two!
PCC: And I'm glad somet)(ing good came of your moirallegiance, even if it wasn't w)(at you were expecting!
PCC: But Vriska, if Nepeta really did s)(ip ALL of your s)(ips, then w)(o's your morayeel now?
CAG: Well, I'll just let him introduce himself!
CURRENT adiosToreador [CAT] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.
CAT: uH, oKAY,
CAT: i AM THE MOIRAIL,
CAT: iT'S ME,
FUTURE gallowsCalibrator [FGC] 4 MINUTES FROM NOW responded to memo.
FGC: WH4T!!!!!!!
FGC: YOU H4V3 GOT TO B3 FUCK1NG K1DD1NG M3!!!
CAG: Ugh, I kneeeeeeeew this was going to happen.
FGC: L1K3
FGC: 1S TH1S 4 TH1NG TH4TS 4CTU4LLY H4PP3N1NG?
FGC: N3P3T4, D1D YOU S3R1OUSLY M4K3 TH3S3 TWO MO1R41LS???
CAC: :33 < i know it sounds weird, but yes!
FGC: WHY WOULD YOU 3V3R DO TH4T
FGC: 3V3R
CAC: :33 < maybe you should just ask them!
FGC: F1N3 1 W1LL!
FGC: VR1SK4, WH4TS YOUR 4NGL3 1N 4LL TH1S?
CAG: What angle? There's no angle!
FGC: YOUR D3L1C1OUS BLU3B3RRY T3XT C4NNOT COV3R TH3 FOUL ST3NCH OF YOUR L13S, M1SS S3RK3T!
CAG: Ugh, I'm not lying, I'm serious!!!!!!!!
CAG: All I ever wanted was for Tavros to 8e stronger.
CAG: Nepeta helped me realize that after she completely destroyed me with all her caring words and self-affirming things to say.
FGC: WH4T, D1D SH3 4USP1ST1C3 FOR YOU TWO OR SOM3TH1NG?
CAG: Uh, yeah, that's exactly what she did.
FGC: VR1SK4 WH4T D1D 1 JUST S4Y 4BOUT YOUR ST1NK1NG L13S
CGA: Actually Nepeta Really Did Auspistice The Two Of Them
CGA: And She Was Surprisingly Competent At It Given Her What I Would Assume Is Complete Inexperience
CAC: :33 < thank you, kanaya!
CAC: :33 < it means a lot coming furom the master
CGA: Your Approach Was Undoubtedly Unorthodox
CGA: But Then Again I Have Never Heard Of An Ashen Entanglement Where Moirallegiance Between The Feuding Parties Was The End Goal Or Indeed Even The End Result
CGA: So I Believe Your First Auspisticism May Have Actually Set A Precedent Of Some Sort
CAC: :33 < wow!!
FGC: TH1S 1S SO COMPL3T3LY R1D1CULOUS
FGC: T4VROS WHY TH3 H3LL WOULD YOU GO 4LONG W1TH TH1S??
CAT: wELL, vRISKA REALLY WANTED TO HELP ME,
CAT: aND THERE WERE THINGS i KIND OF LIKED ABOUT HER,
CAT: bUT THERE'S A LOT THAT'S REALLY, mESSED UP ABOUT HER,
CAT: aND, tHE TRUTH IS, i WANTED TO HELP HER TOO,
FGC: SH3S TH3 R34SON YOU N33D H3LP 1N TH3 F1RST PL4C3!!!
FGC: 1 M34N
FGC: WH4T WOULD 4R4D14 TH1NK?
CURRENT apocalypseArisen [CAA] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.
CAA: im 0k with it
FGC: UGH
FGC: 1 SHOULD H4V3 S33N TH4T ON3 COM1NG
CAA: believe it 0r n0t i have 0ther things t0 w0rry ab0ut than the relati0nship status 0f my teammates
CAA: like just as an example the fact that this entire timeline is d00med
CAA: like even m0re d00med than usual
CAA: and yet despite that immutable fact it isnt being disp0sed 0f in the manner d00med timelines usually are
CAA: meaning this timeline has p0ssibly attracted the attenti0n 0f s0me unspeakably p0werful extradimensi0nal entity wh0 is pr0bably manipulating it t0 its 0wn inscrutable ends as we speak
FGC: UH
CAA: but d0nt let me interrupt y0u
CAA: clearly the fact that 0ne tr0ll is n0w in a relati0nship with an0ther tr0ll is m0re imp0rtant
CAA: ill simply put 0ff b0thering any 0f y0u ab0ut the inc0mprehensibly p0werful 0therw0rdly being c0ntr0lling the fate 0f 0ur entire existence until y0uve res0lved this issue
CAA: s0 s0rry t0 have tr0ubled y0u with my insignificant pers0nal pr0blems
CAA: ribbit
CAA
banned herself from responding to memo.
FGC: ...
FGC: W3LL NOW 1 F33L STUP1D >8[
CAC: :33 < terezi, you kind of are being stupid!
FGC: >8O!!!
FGC: N3P3T4, 1 3XP3CT3D TH1S K1ND OF S4SS FROM VR1SKA, BUT NOT YOU!
CAC: :33 < you arent even giving vwiskers a chance!
CAC: :33 < thats the purroblem, nopawdy was willing to give her a chance!
CAC: :33 < how is she efur suppawsed to change if efurrypawdy just assumed she was irred33mable?
FGC: 1 W4S TH1NK1NG 4 SHOCK COLL4R, M4YB3?
CAC: XOO < no, thats dumb!!
CAC: :33 < she n33ded somepawdy to help her
CAC: :33 < and tavros wanted to help her!
CAC: :33 < and she really wanted to help him too!
CAC: :33 < and maybe their reasons werent entirely pale, but i convinced them the best way to help each other was being meowrails!
CAC: :33 < in fact, im purretty sure vwiskers has already helped him in a really big way!
CAG: Yeah, we took care of that first thing.
CAG: And now my little Pupa really can fly!
CAG: <>
CAT: vRISKA, i BELIEVE WE AGREED,
CAT: yOU WOULDN'T USE, tHAT PARTICULAR ALLUSION YET,
CAG: Oh right, sorry.
FGC: SO YOUR F1RST 4CT 4S H1S MO1R41L W4S TO P1N H1M TO 4 ROCK 4ND ST4B H1M TO D34TH?
FGC: R34LLY PROM1S1NG W4Y TO ST4RT
CAT: tEREZI, i DON'T THINK YOU UNDERSTAND,
CAT: tHIS TRANSFORMATION IS, sYMBOLICALLY SPEAKING, hIGHLY SIGNIFICANT,
FGC: WH4T, HOW
CAT: lOOK, tHINK OF IT THIS WAY,
CAT: bEFORE, kANAYA TOLD ME i SHOULD GIVE MY CONFIDENCE A NAME, sO i NAMED IT rUFIO,
CAT: bUT THE THING IS, rUFIO WAS NOT REAL,
CAT: hE WAS IMAGINARY, a FAKE,
CAT: lIKE A MADE UP FRIEND, tHE WAY FAIRIES ARE,
CAT: bUT THE THING IS, aFTER DOING THIS,
CAT: i HAVE THESE BIG FLAPPY WINGS, aND ALL THESE COOL WIND POWERS,
CAT: sO BASICALLY, fOR ALL INTENTS AND PURPOSES, i AM A FAIRY,
CAT: wHICH MEANS i AM A FAKE, mADE UP THING, bUT ACTUALLY REAL,
CAT: aND THIS IS KIND OF A LOGICAL LEAP, bUT i THINK IT'S FAIR TO ASSUME,
CAT: i AM rUFIO,
CAT: iT'S ME,
CAT: }:)
FGC: ...
FGC: WH4T
CAT: wELL, bASICALLY, wHAT THAT MEANS IS,
CAT: i AM THE ACTUAL, pHYSICAL EMBODIMENT OF MY OWN CONFIDENCE,
FGC: T4VROS TH4T 1S TH3 DUMB3ST TH1NG 1 H4V3 3V3R H34RD
FGC: LOOK, VR1SK4 OBV1OUSLY H4S SOM3 K1ND OF 1NS1D1OUS H1DD3N 4G3ND4 H3RE, 4ND YOU 4R3 PL4Y1NG R1GHT 1NTO H3R H4NDS
CAG: I don't have any insidious hidden agenda!!!!!!!!
CAG: Look, I just........
CAG: I like helping him, okay?
CAG: I kind of........ get off on it in a weird way, honestly.
FGC: BL4R!!!!!
FGC: VR1SK4 TH4T 1S FUCK1NG D1SGUST1NG, WHY WOULD YOU T3LL M3 TH4T
CAG: 8ecause I have no reason to lie a8out something like this!!!!!!!!
CAG: Why would I want ANYONE to think I have a 8izarre fetish for helping adora8le dorky kids 8ecome 8adass immortal demigods unless it was true????????
FGC: W3LL
FGC: 1 4M 4DM1TT3DLY H4V1NG D1FF1CULTY CONC31V1NG 4 PL4N WH1CH H1NG3S UPON BOTH TH4T B31NG F4LS3 4ND 4NYON3 3LS3 TH1NK1NG 1TS TRU3
CAG: Even if I COULD think of a plan like that, I would deli8er8ely not act on it, 8ecause simply 8y definition, it would have to 8e a really shitty, stupid plan.
FGC: OK4Y F1N3
FGC: 1LL 4SSUM3 YOUR3 B31NG G3NU1N3
FGC: FOR NOW
FGC: BUT T4VROS, 4R3 YOU R34LLY OK4Y W1TH TH1S??
FGC: 1 M34N
FGC: SH3 BROK3 YOUR L3GS, FOR FUCKS S4K3!
CAT: tEREZI, tHAT DOESN'T EVEN MATTER ANYMORE,
CAT: i MEAN, yEAH, vRISKA HURT ME BEFORE,
CAT: bUT IN MY OWN WAY, i KIND OF HURT HER, tOO
CAT: bUT nOW WE'RE MOIRAILS,
CAT: aND ALL THAT MATTERS IS, sHE DID SOMETHING AWESOME FOR ME,
CAT: aND NOW i WANT TO DO AWESOME THINGS FOR HER,
CAG: Aaaaaaaaargfsdkhflkhgfssdffa
CAG: Tavros, you have to WARN me 8efore you say something as cool and adora8le and 8adass as that!!!!!!!!
CAG: <>>>>>>>>!!!!!!!!
CAT: hAHA, oKAY,
CAT: <>
FGC: OK4Y OK4Y GOD
FGC: 1 TH1NK 1M GO1NG TO B3 S1CK
FGC: G3T 4 P1L3 4LR34DY
PCC: O)( my COD, you two are SO GLUBBING ADORABL---E!!!!
PCC: I just KNOW you'll be GR-EAT morayeels!
PCC: And Vriska, don't take t)(is t)(e wrong way, but I t)(ink just getting your s)(ips toget)(er )(as made you a muc)( nicer person already!
CAG: No, you're a8solutely right.
CAG: It's kind of hard to 8e in a 8ad mood after a ridiculous cat girl just waltzed into my life and gave me everything I ever wanted 8ut was too afraid to ask for.
CAC: :33 < h33 h33! youre welcome, vwiskers!
FGC: UUUUGH F1N3
FGC: 1LL L3T TH1S L1TTL3 TR4V3STY OF JUST1C3 BY FOR NOW
FGC: BUT VR1SK4
FGC: 1F TH1S TURNS OUT TO B3 Y3T 4NOTH3R OF YOUR W1CK3D SCH3M3S
FGC: 1M M4K1NG 4 NOOS3 3SP3C14LLY FOR YOU
FGC: >8]
CAG: And how can you do THAT when you don't even know how thick around my neck is????????
FGC: UH
FGC: HOW TH1CK 4ROUND 1S YOUR N3CK 4G41N
CGA: I Told You That Yesterday Four Days From Now
FGC: ...WH4T?
CAG: Oh hey, that reminds me!
CAG: Kanaya, when am I going to get that striking cerulean cravat?
CAG: I need something to cover up all these 8ite marks on my neck.
FGC: OH GOD WH4T
CGA: You Mean The Bite Marks From The Recent Basilisk Ambush
CAG: Yes, of course that's what I mean!!!!!!!!
CGA: Well I Suppose I Could Bring My Tailoring Supplies To Your Hive And Make One For You Almost Immediately
CAG: That would be gr8, thank you!
CGA: And In The Unfortunate And Extremely Unlikely Event That Another Basilisk Ambush Should Occur
CGA: You Can All Rest Assured That It Will Be Attended To Immediately And That Not A Single Drop Of Blood That May Be Spilled Will Go To Waste
CGA: <3
CAG: <33333333
FGC: BL444444R!!!!!!
FGC: VR1SK4 1F YOUR PL4N W4S TO D1SGUST M3 1NTO NOT W4NT1NG TO T4LK TO YOU 4NYMOR3
FGC: TH3N 1TS WORK1NG >8[
CAG: I keep telling you, I don't have a plan!!!!!!!!
CAG: Look, I realize I've done a lot of 8ad things, 8ut I'm trying to 8e a 8etter person now.
CAG: And I'm........
CAG: I'm really sorry for 8linding you, Terezi.
CAG: And I'm sorry for what I did to Tavros and Aradia, too.
CAG: And it's pro8a8ly too much for me to ask you to forgive me........
CAG: 8ut can you at least give me a chance to m8ke it up to you?
FGC: ...
FGC: 1LL TH1NK 4BOUT 1T
CAG: That's all I can ask.
CAG: Thank you.
CURRENT carcinoGeneticist [CCG] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.
CCG: UGH.
CCG: THIS IS SO WEIRD.
CAG: What's weird?
CCG: THIS WHOLE "YOU BEING NICE" THING.
CCG: I DON'T THINK I'LL EVER GET USED TO IT.
CAG: Well, it's a permanent thing, so you'd 8etter!!!!!!!!
CAG: And if you can't deal with that........
CAG: Well, sorry, I guess.
CCG: IT'S JUST
CCG: SO BIZARRE.
CCG: JEGUS
CCG: I MEAN
CCG: WAIT, WHAT DO I MEAN?
CCG: I'M SO OVERWHELMED, I HAVE TO MAKE UP NEW WORDS TO EXPRESS HOW UNNERVING THIS IS.
FGC: J3GUS
FGC: >8D
FGC: 1 L1K3 1T
FGC: J3333GUUUS
FGC: H3H3H3H3H3
CGA: Okay Vriska If You Were Serious About That Thing With The Cravat Ill Be Over There As Soon As Possible
CAG: Of course I was serious!!!!!!!!
CAG: I never joke a8out fashiona8le accessories.
CAG: Just, in the unfortun8 and extremely unlikely event of a 8asilisk am8ush, could I ask you not to spend toooooooo much time cleaning up after it?
CAG: I've got a 8ig day planned with Tavros.
CAT: yES, wE HAVE A LOT OF ADVENTURING TO DO,
CAT: aND THEN, aFTER THAT,
CAT: wE'LL HAVE OUR FIRST FEELINGS JAM,
CAT: }:D
PCC: Oh S)(-ELL yes.
CGA: Yes Thats Fine
CGA: I Dont Want To Keep You All To Myself
CGA: Well I Mean I Do
CGA: But Im Just Trying To Be Considerate Here
CAG: Hahahahahahahaha, it's okay, Kanaya.
CAG: See you soon.
CGA: I Will Be There Immediately
CAG: <3
CGA: <3
CGA
ceased responding to memo.
CAT: sO i SUPPOSE,
CAT: i SHOULD TAKE MY TIME GETTING THERE,
CAG: Yeeeeeeeeah, pro8a8ly.
CAG: 8ut hey! There'll still 8e plenty of time for adventuring!
CAG: We'll do some quests, kill some 8easties, get some loot, may8e even gear you up to kill your Denizen!
CAC: :33 < hey wait, dont kill your denizen!
CAG: Huh? Why not????????
CAC: :33 < well, i mean
CAC: :33 < just talk to it furst, okay?
CAG: Um........ okaaaaaaaay????????
CAC: :33 < just trust me!
CAT: yES, i BELIEVE THAT TRUSTING HER,
CAT: iS THE RIGHT THING TO DO,
CAG: Okay, okay, fine.
CAG: So I'll see you soon?
CAT: yES, i'LL DEPART IMMEDIATELY,
CAT: bUT i WON'T, uH, cOME IN YOUR HIVE,
CAT: uNTIL i SEE kANAYA LEAVE,
CAG: Again, pro8a8ly a good idea.
CAG: I'd h8 for you to stum8le onto the aftermath of a 8asilisk am8ush.
CAT: hAHA, rIGHT,
CAT: sEE YOU SOON, vRISKA,
CAG: Later, palem8!!!!!!!!
CAG: <>
CAT: <>
CAT
ceased responding to memo.
CAG: Now, if there are no o8jections, I need to prepare my hive for an impromptu tailoring session.
FGC: Y34H Y34H, TH3 PROS3CUT1ON R3STS
FGC: GO DO WH4T3V3R UNSP34K4BLY D3PR4V3D TH1NGS YOUR3 GO1NG TO DO W1TH K4N4Y4
FGC: BUT JUST R3M3MB3R
FGC: 1N TH3 1NC1P1SPH3R3
FGC: WH3N YOU CROSS TH3 L1N3
FGC: YOUR N3CK 1S M1N3
FGC: >8]
CAG: Okay, Terezi, I get it!!!!!!!!
CAG: Jegus, hop off my 8ulge already!!!!!!!!
FGC: H3H3H3H3H3
FGC: J3GUS
FGC: 1T N3V34 STOPS B31NG 4 FUNNY TH1NG TO R34D
CAG: It DOES seem like an awfully funny word.
CAG: Jeeeeeeeeguuuuuuuus.
CAG: Hahahahahahahaha, it's even funny to type!
CCG: FUCK, WOULD YOU TWO SHUT THE HELL UP ABOUT JEGUS ALREADY.
CCG: IT'S NOT A WORD. IT'S NOT EVEN LIKE A WORD.
CCG: IT'S A STUPID MADE UP THING THAT DOESN'T MEAN ANYTHING, OR EVEN COME CLOSE TO MEANING ANYTHING.
PCC: J-EGUS, Karcrab, you are R-E-ELY getting worked up about Jegus!
CAG: W8, is it a proper noun?
CCG: IT'S NOT ANYTHING, JUST SHUT UP.
PCC: I don't know, it just felt like it s)(ould be carpitalized!
FGC: L3TS JUST S4Y J3GUS 1S 4 P3RSON FOR NOW
FGC: 4ND W3 C4N WORK OUT TH3 R3ST OF TH3 D3T41LS L4T3R
CCG: I FUCKING HATE ALL OF YOU.
PCC: Okay, okay, let's stop being retarded for a minute!
PCC: Vriska, I )(ope your first feelings jam goes SWIMMINGLY!
PCC: And I wis)( you t)(e B-EST of luck in ALL your s)(ips!
CAG: Well, thank you, Feferi!
CAG: 8ut I can assure you, the luck is already all mine! >::::D
PCC: Oh, of COURS-E! )(ow silly of me to forget!
PCC: But )(-EY! After your sc)(edule clears up, do you t)(ink maybe we could... )(ang out or somet)(ing?
PCC: I mean, wit)(out Sollux, since )(e's suc)( a big )(ard)(ead!
CAG: Feferi, correct me if I'm wrong here........
CAG: 8ut are you asking to 8e frieeeeeeeends with me????????
PCC: No, I'm asking to be FRONDS wit)( you!!
PCC: But t)(e only difference is spelling.
CAG: Why, this is so scandalous, I can scarcely 8elieve it!!!!!!!!
CAG: 8ut yeah, that sounds cool.
PCC: AW-ESOM-E! 38D
FCC: But for now, I'll just reef you to your devices!
CAG: Yeah, I'm 8ooked all day today, so just hit me up tomorrow.
CAC: :33 < well vwiskers, have fun!
CAC: :33 < and if you efur n33d any advice with your relationships, f33l fur33 to talk to me!
CAG: Sure thing, Nepeta.
CAG: And thanks again for m8king all this happen for me.
CAC: :33 < well, thank you fur giving me a chance to help you!
CAG: Well, thank YOU for giving me a chance at all!
CAC: :33 < well, thank YOU fur...
CAC: :33 < i cant think of anything after that ://
CAG: Hahahahahahahaha, don't worry a8out it.
CAG: Oh hey, Kanaya's here already!!!!!!!
CAG: L8er!
CAG
ceased responding to memo.
FGC: J3GUS
FGC: N3P3T4 WH4T D1D YOU DO TO H3R
CAC: :33 < i just gave her a chance!
FGC: BULLSH1T
FGC: SH3S L1K3 4 COMPL3T3LY D1FF3R3NT P3RSON NOW
FGC: OR 4T L34ST SH3S 4CT1NG L1K3 ON3
CAC: :33 < terezi, she was a nice purrson all along!
CAC: :33 < she just n33ded somepawdy to crack her hard outer shell to reveal the beautiful, glistening, surpurrisingly nice purrl that was hidden underneath all along!
FGC: BL44444R!!!
FGC: 1 DONT W4NT TO 1M4G1N3 VR1SK4 4S 4 B34UT1FUL GL1ST3N1NG 4NYTH1NG!!!
CCG: ALRIGHT LOOK, NOW THAT SPIDERTROLL IS DONE SPOUTING HER SELF-OBSESSED BULLSHIT, IT'S TIME FOR ME TO ISSUE MY FUCKING ORDERS HERE.
CCG: NOT THAT ANYONE IS EVEN PROBABLY STILL READING THIS AFTER BEING FORCED TO SIT THROUGH ALL THAT DISGUSTINGLY SAPPY DRIVEL.
FCC: Well, I t)(oug)(t it was sweet!
CCG: YOU THOUGHT YOUR CHTHONIC ABOMINATION OF A LUSUS WAS SWEET.
CCG: SO YOUR OPINION MEANS PRECISELY FUCK ALL.
FCC: Well, GLUBBING FIN-E T)(-EN! >38U
CCG: AS COMPLETELY IDIOTIC AS IT FEELS TO MAKE THESE WORDS COME FROM MY FINGERS
CCG: NEPETA, KEEP SHIPPING ALL THESE TROLLS.
CCG: JUST SHIP THE FUCK OUT OF ALL OF THEM.
CAC: :33 < sir yes sir!
CAC: :33 < any purrticular trolls you want me to ship furst?
CCG: NO, NOT REALLY, JUST DO WHATEVER.
CAC: :33 < alright!
CAC: :33 < then starting now, ill start doing random shipping sw33ps!
CAC: :33 < so if i come out of nowhere and ask you about your f33lings, dont fureak out and assume ive got some zany plot in store fur you!
CAC: :33 < its all one hundred purrcent random, i assure you!
FGC: WH4T TH3 H3LL 1S 4 SH1PP1NG SW33P
CAC: :33 < its just where i ask you who you might be interested in fur a matespurrit or a meowrail!
CAC: :33 < its all compawletely confurdential, i wont tell anypawdy!
CAC: :33 < well, maybe i will if two people really like each other and are just too dumb to tell each other!
CCG: I HATE TO ADMIT IT, BUT THE IDEA OF "RANDOM SHIPPING SWEEPS" IS SOMEHOW LESS RETARDED THAN IT SOUNDS.
CCG: BUT IT SOUNDS ABOUT AS RETARDED AS A GRUB ON SOPOR, SO DON'T READ TOO MUCH INTO THAT.
FGC: Y34H, 1T ST1LL SOUNDS PR3TTY STUP1D >8/
PCC: It's a GR-EAT idea!
PCC: We all just need somebody to talk to about our feelings!
PCC: And w)(o betta t)(an a searious s)(ipper on a searious mission to s)(ip t)(e fuck out of ALL of t)(ese trolls??
CAC: :33 < exactly!!
FGC: LOOK N3P3T4
FGC: YOUR3 MY FR13ND 4ND 4LL
FGC: BUT TH1S WHOL3 SH1PP1NG QU3ST 1S S3R1OUSLY TH3 DUMB3ST FUCK1NG TH1NG
CCG: HEY, LAY THE FUCK OFF, TEREZI.
FGC: WH4T!!!!
CCG: LOOK, I REALIZE IT SOUNDS STUPID AS HELL, BUT NEPETA KNOWS WHAT THE FUCK SHE'S DOING.
CCG: I MEAN, YOU SAW WHAT SHE FUCKING DID WITH VRISKA, DIDN'T YOU??
CCG: THERE WAS A SERIOUSLY DEGENERATE TRIANGLE GOING ON THERE, AND SHE HANDLED IT WITH A MATCHMAKER'S DEFTNESS THAT WOULD LEAVE TROLL WILL SMITH GREEN IN THE FACE WITH ENVIOUS RAGE.
FGC: 1M ST1LL NOT SO SUR3 4BOUT VR1SK4
CCG: OH, WILL YOU JUST GET OVER YOUR MASSIVE HATEBULGE FOR HER ALREADY??
FGC: >8O!!!!!
FGC: 1TS NOT 3V3N L1K3 TH4T!!!
CCG: WELL THEN WHAT THE HELL IS IT?
CCG: IT DOESN'T TAKE A SEER OF FUCKING MIND TO SEE SHE'S DISGUSTINGLY SERIOUS ABOUT ALL THIS SAPPY ROMANCE SHIT.
CCG: AND I KNOW YOU DON'T EVEN GIVE A FUCK THAT SHE BLINDED YOU.
CCG: SO WHAT ELSE COULD IT BE BUT AN ENORMOUS, THROBBING BLACKCRUSH?
FGC: W3R3NT YOU TH3 ON3 COMPL41N1NG 4BOUT 4BSURD C4L1G1NOUS SP3CULAT1ON JUST MOM3NTS 4GO?
CCG: THAT WAS PAST ME, HE'S COMPLETELY FULL OF SHIT.
CCG: FUTURE ME IS OBVIOUSLY ONLY AGREEING WITH HIM IN THE FUTURE TO MAKE SOLLUX LOOK LIKE AN ASSHOLE.
FGC: UGH WH4T3VER
FGC: JUST DO WH4T3VER TH3 H3LL YOU W4NT N3P3T4
FGC: NOT L1K3 1 C4N STOP YOU
CAC: :33 < youll be singing a diffurent tune after ive shipped you!
FGC: Y3S 1 W1LL
FGC: 1T W1LL B3 4 STUP1D 1D1OT TUN3 FOR STUP1D 1D1OTS
FGC: >8P
FGC
ceased responding to memo.
CCG: NEPETA, DON'T LISTEN TO HER, SHE'S JUST PISSED OFF ABOUT VRISKA.
CAC: :33 < yeah, i figured shed be like that
CAC: :33 < but i dont care about anypawdys stupid little grudges!
CAC: :33 < im here to help efurrypawdy!
PCC: You know, Carpkat, you were AWFULLY quick to Nepeta's defense back t)(ere...
CCG: WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?
PCC: O)(, not)(ing...
PCC: Glub glub glub! 38D
PCC
ceased responding to memo.
CCG: SERIOUSLY, WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?
CCG: WHATEVER, YOU HAVE YOUR ORDERS.
CCG: I'M DONE HERE.
CCG
ceased responding to memo.
CAC: :33 < alright!
CAC: :33 < look out, trolls, beclaws the rogue of heart is now officially on the purrowl!
CAC: :33 < *the rogue hurries you out of her shipping office and shuts the door, eager to return to her shipping plans*
CAC
ceased responding to memo.

CAC closed memo.

***

Nepeta pondered for a moment. Now she had free license to ship whoever she wanted, and all sorts of ships were already forming in her head. But suddenly, she remembered something more important: she still had to talk to Equius! Didn't want to cause a paradox or something silly like that. She quickly opened a new Trollian window and started a conversation with her moirail.

arsenicCatnip [AC] began trolling centaursTesticle [CT].

AC: :33 < *ac is laying on cts robotics pile, playing with some loose wires furom a ropawtic arm*
CT: D --> Nepeta
AC: :33 < *s33ing ct, she drops the arm and happily pouncegr33ts him!*
CT: D --> If there is a point to this harassment, please get to it
AC: :33 < sh33sh, equius, why are you so grumpy??
CT: D --> I am merely
CT: D --> Irritated
CT: D --> That you would publicly engage in this "shipping" nonsense without my e%press consent
AC: :33 < oh, i didnt even think about that
AC: :33 < sorry :((
CT: D --> I forgive you
CT: D --> But please be more considerate in the future
AC: :33 < okay
AC: :33 < but you know karkitty ordered me to k33p shipping, right?
CT: D --> Yes
CT: D --> I understand he commanded you to focus your efforts on Vriska
CT: D --> And while I would rather you not associate with the cer00lean-b100d at all
CT: D --> It is not my intent to foment sedition
AC: :33 < to what??
CT: D --> Just do the Vriska thing
AC: :33 < oh, i already did!
CT: D --> What
AC: :33 < i already found her a matespurrit and a meowrail
CT: D --> But
CT: D --> You just started yesterday
CT: D --> It's 100dicrous that you could fill her quadrants so quickly
AC: :33 < well i did!
AC: :33 < now kanaya is her matespurrit and tavros is her meowrail
CT: D --> But that's
CT: D --> Give me a moment
AC: :33 < okay
CT: D --> Ok
CT: D --> As preposterous as it sounds, apparently you aren't lying
AC: :33 < of course im not lion!!
CT: D --> But
CT: D --> Vriska is one of the most distin%ly unlikable people I have ever had the displeasure of knowing
CT: D --> Or at least was
CT: D --> How did you do that
AC: :33 < thats what i wanted to talk to you about, actually
CT: D --> Really
AC: :33 < yeah
AC: :33 < s33, i was talking to vwiskers
AC: :33 < trying to help her with her purroblems
AC: :33 < and things got kind of
AC: :33 < uh
AC: :33 < pale
CT: D --> Oh
AC: :33 < yeah ://
CT: D --> Oh my
AC: :33 < im sorry, equius! :((
CT: D --> Well
CT: D --> Did she, um
CT: D --> Reciprocate
AC: :33 < no, not really!
AC: :33 < it was all on my end!
CT: D --> Ok
CT: D --> And it was just once, right
AC: :33 < yes!
AC: :33 < well, actually
CT: D --> What
AC: :33 < befur that, i got kind of pale with kanaya, too
CT: D --> I
CT: D --> E%cuse me for a moment
CT: D --> I'm suddenly perspiring
AC: :33 < im really sorry!
AC: :33 < i just wanted to help them so badly!
CT: D --> Nepeta
CT: D --> Do you find my ability as a moirail to be
CT: D --> Inadequate
AC: :33 < no!! its not like that at all!!!
AC: :33 < nopawdy could EFUR replace you as my meowrail!
AC: :33 < beclaws i know nopawdy understands me the way you do!
AC: :33 < i was just trying to help them, thats all!
AC: :33 < i just got a little carried away
CT: D --> So
CT: D --> You were simply following orders
AC: :33 < yes!
CT: D --> And you felt that applying your skills as a moirail was the best way to e%ecute your mission
AC: :33 < i guess, kind of
CT: D --> That is a%eptable
AC: :33 < really?
CT: D --> Your intentions were pure
CT: D --> You were simply carrying out your orders in the way you felt best suited your e%pertise
CT: D --> So yes, it's fine
AC: :33 < well, thank you fur being so understanding, equius!!
CT: D --> You're welcome
CT: D --> Besides, I believe most of our teammates could benefit from the skills of an e%pert moirail
CT: D --> Even if only temporarily
CT: D --> And I believe you will find that as moirails go, you are simply the best there is
AC: :33 < but how can i be the best meowrail
AC: :33 < when clearly YOURE the best meowrail??
CT: D --> No, you are tr00ly the best moirail
CT: D --> It's you
AC: :33 < lets just compurrmise and say were BOTH the best meowrails!
CT: D --> Yes, that is a%eptable
AC: :33 < yes! another misunderstanding conquered!
CT: D --> E%cellent
AC: :33 < <>
CT: D --> <>
CT: D --> Anyway, is that all you wished to di%uss
AC: :33 < well, i guess you havent read the latest memo yet
AC: :33 < but karkitty told me to k33p shipping!
AC: :33 < so maaaaybe
AC: :33 < i could start with you!
CT: D --> No
CT: D --> This is una%eptable
AC: :33 < come oooon!!
CT: D --> If you abso100tely must ship me
CT: D --> You will do it last
AC: :33 < i cant do that!!
AC: :33 < what about second to last?
CT: D --> That is
CT: D --> Unusually specific
CT: D --> But fine
AC: :33 < okay, i wont ship you yet
AC: :33 < but can we at least talk about who i MIGHT ship you with?
CT: D --> Why
AC: :33 < beclaws therell be less options if you wait fur so long!
AC: :33 < you might have to choose betw33n tavros and sollux, or something like that!
CT: D --> Nepeta
CT: D --> I have told you at length not to bring up this nonsensical pairing between me and the mudb100d
AC: :33 < i think youd be cute together!!
CT: D --> No
CT: D --> You will stop
CT: D --> I command you to stop
AC: :33 < okay fine!
AC: :33 < ill admit its a crack ship anyway
CT: D --> It tr00ly perple%es me how you form001ate these absurd pairings
CT: D --> Why can't you ship me with Aradia, for e%ample
CT: D --> Or perhaps the indigo b100d
AC: :33 < beclaws those are both cr33py and weird!!
CT: D --> No they aren't
AC: :33 < yes they are!
CT: D --> No
AC: :33 < yes
CT: D --> No
AC: :33 < yes
CT: D --> They aren't
AC: :33 < yes they totally are!!!
CT: D --> How are they creepy or weird
AC: :33 < you tried to put a chip in aradias heart to make her flushed fur you!!
CT: D --> That was
CT: D --> Admittedly out of line
AC: :33 < anyway, she spends more time slapping you than kissing you!
CT: D --> Some of those slappings were a%idental
AC: :33 < whatefur, just admit it!
AC: :33 < shed rather be your hissmesis than your matespurrit!
CT: D --> No
AC: :33 < yessss yes yes yes!!!!
CT: D --> Well
CT: D --> What about the indigo b100d
AC: :33 < you dont even like anything about gamz33!
AC: :33 < all you care about is his stupid blood!
CT: D --> His b100d is not "stupid"
CT: D --> It is the highest, purest b100d a landdweller can possess
CT: D --> It is tr00ly
CT: D --> E%quisite
AC: :33 < cr333333py!!!
CT: D --> It is not creepy
CT: D --> It is the way of our society
AC: :33 < our society doesnt exist anymore, equius!!
CT: D --> So you would have us di%ard all of our e%isting traditions
AC: :33 < no, just the stupid ones like the hemeowspectrum!!
CT: D --> The hemospe%rum is not stupid
AC: :33 < yes it is!!
AC: :33 < its stupid and its unfair and you and that cr33p eridan are the only ones who even give a shit about it anymore!!
CT: D --> Nepeta, watch your language
AC: :33 < ugh, sorry
CT: D --> I refuse to di%uss this any further
AC: :33 < well, we have to di%uss it eventually!
CT: D --> Fine
CT: D --> Later
CT: D --> But if you would not ship me with either of those two
CT: D --> Who would you ship me with
CT: D --> And if you say the fudgeb100d, I am di%onne%ing
AC: :33 < i wasnt going to!
AC: :33 < actually, befur i dealt with vwiskers, my top ship fur your matespurrit was kanaya!
CT: D --> Uh
CT: D --> Really
AC: :33 < yeah!
AC: :33 < beclaws shes really nice and classy and supurr pawlite!
AC: :33 < and you guys could do all sorts of supurr classy stuff together!
CT: D --> As silly as those reasons are
CT: D --> I occasionally interact with Kanaya as her server player
CT: D --> And she is a%ually quite pleasant company
CT: D --> And though she is merely a jadeb100d
CT: D --> She does carry herself with unusual grace
CT: D --> And her position as keeper of the Matriorb is respe%able in its own right
CT: D --> Nepeta, as f001ish as this may sound
CT: D --> That would a%ually be an a%eptable ship
AC: :33 < yeah, s33?
AC: :33 < im better at this than you think!
CT: D --> But now she is with that cer001ean h001igan
CT: D --> So it hardly matters
AC: :33 < well, there are others!
CT: D --> Like who
AC: :33 < hmmmmmm
AC: :33 < what about terezi?
CT: D --> No
CT: D --> I find her fi%ations on roleplaying and punitive violence to be distasteful
CT: D --> And frankly
CT: D --> Her olfactory habits are a bit
CT: D --> Disturbing
AC: :33 < yeah, she is kinda weird
AC: :33 < ooh ooh hey!!
AC: :33 < what about
AC: :33 < you and fefurry?
CT: D --> Uh
CT: D --> The seadweller
AC: :33 < yeah!
CT: D --> Surely you have been sch001fed on the eternal b100d feud between landdwellers and seadwellers
AC: :33 < yeah, but who cares about that!
AC: :33 < shes really nice and sw33t and she has a great sense of humor
AC: :33 < and shes like a purrincess so shes supurr classy and noble purretty much by default!
CT: D --> She is not a princess, she is an heiress
CT: D --> She stands in line to inherit the entirety of the Alternian empire
CT: D --> Due to her royal tyrian b
CT: D --> Oh god
AC: :33 < what?
CT: D --> Her b100d
CT: D --> I hadn't even thought about it
CT: D --> It's just so
CT: D --> E%quisitely purple
AC: :33 < yeah yeah, who cares about her stupid blood?
AC: :33 < she also has an apurreciation for fauna, just like you!
CT: D --> My goodness
CT: D --> The mere thought is making me sweat
AC: :33 < i guess shes in some kind of relationship with sollux right now
AC: :33 < but im not sure if theyre matespurrits or meowrails
CT: D --> Fiddlesti%
CT: D --> I already require a fresh towel
AC: :33 < are you even listening to me??
CT: D --> Yes, sorry, it's just
CT: D --> I'm having such
CT: D --> 100rid thoughts about her b100d
AC: :33 < ugggghhh, you and your cr33py blood fetish again!
CT: D --> It's unthinkable
CT: D --> She's a seadweller
CT: D --> A mortal enemy of landdwellers
CT: D --> But her tyrian b100d is so
CT: D --> So pure
AC: :33 < yknow, with her impurrial blood
AC: :33 < im puretty sure shes naturally dispawsed to being...
AC: :33 < commanding
CT: D --> Hrrrrrk
CT: D --> Oh god
CT: D --> This towel is abso100tely drenched already
CT: D --> Shit
CT: D --> I mean
CT: D --> Oh goodness, pardon my language
CT: D --> This is just
CT: D --> So OBSCENE
AC: :33 < ugh, okay, just stop!!!
AC: :33 < i was just joking!
AC: :33 < god, you are so weird!
CT: D --> Yes
CT: D --> Let's stop talking about this now
AC: :33 < well, thats all we really had to talk about
AC: :33 < oh, except you n33d to read my latest memo!
CT: D --> Why
AC: :33 < beclaws you reminded me to talk to you in the memo
CT: D --> Oh
CT: D --> A time 100p
AC: :33 < at least, i think thats why
AC: :33 < i dont get this weird time shit at all!
CT: D --> Language, Nepeta
AC: :33 < oops, sorry :((
CT: D --> Were you using any of this e%cremental language in your memo
AC: :33 < uh
AC: :33 < well
CT: D --> Gracious, Nepeta, what will I do with you
CT: D --> I can't stop you from col100ding with lowb100ds
CT: D --> But don't let their foul vernacular pol100t your speech
CT: D --> I suppose I'll have to admonish past you in the near future
AC: :33 < yeah, thats actually what you did
AC: :33 < or do, i guess
CT: D --> Oh
AC: :33 < ugh, now i dont know if you respawnded to my memo to remind me to talk to you or to tell me not to cuss!
CT: D --> Well
CT: D --> Now I don't either
AC: :33 < time loops are so stupid!!
CT: D --> Yes
CT: D --> That 100% to be something we agree on 100%
AC: :33 < well, i guess ill leave you to do that
CT: D --> Very well
CT: D --> But should you ever need emotional support
CT: D --> You can always 100k to me
AC: :33 < of course! thats what meowrails are fur!
AC: :33 < <>
CT: D --> <>
AC: :33 < talk to you later, equius!
CT: D --> And I will talk to past you immediately, Nepeta
CT: D --> Goodbye

centaursTesticle [CT]
ceased trolling arsenicCatnip [AC].

Nepeta closed the Trollian window with a satisfied sigh. Now that her conscience was clean of possible pale infidelities and Equius had at least mostly approved of her actions, she was free to ship whoever she wanted. She briefly pondered her next move. Should she find a matesprit for Tavros? How about a new moirail for Kanaya? Maybe she should nail down just what's going on between Sollux and Feferi before it complicated things.

But before she could put any of her thoughts into action, a new Trollian window popped up on her screen, dashing her hopes. And as she processed the lines of purple dialogue filling the window, a single thought popped into her mind: Oh god, not this asshole.

(And then another: Language, Nepeta.)