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"Stop staring," Mike hissed under his breath.

"Can't."

"Well, can you at least try not to make it look so obvious?"

Matt was silent for a long moment, a regular occurrence. "No."

"People are starting to notice, dude. Mercedes keeps giving you Diva Glare, Brittany is actually focusing on something, and Santana is smirking."

"She always smirks."

"Yeah, but not when her eyes are traveling from your crotch to Kurt's ass."

"It's an epic ass."

Mike shifted in his chair. "Not the point."

"So the point."

"Not."

"Is. Otherwise you wouldn't be staring at it."

"I'm not."

"Dude, please. We're not in Egypt."

Mike sighed. "It's the uniform."

"Right. The uniform."

"No, really!"

"How many guys are Cheerios? You're not leering at any of them."

"It just hangs on Kurt a lot better," Mike lamely insisted.

"There's nothing hanging on him. He's filling it out."

Mike looked away. "I'm not gay."

Matt shrugged. "Okay. Didn't say you were. Didn't say I was either. I just like looking at him."

"That's pretty gay," Mike said uncertainly.

"No. The way Puckerman is looking at him is gay."

Mike startled and turned toward Puck, who was staring like he was the Big Bad Wolf and Kurt was Red Riding Hood. He blinked.

"Whoa."

Matt raised a brow. "Right?"

"We can't let Puck have him."

"We can't? Have him, is it?"

Mike flushed. "Shut up."

"Not until you admit you want him."

"Not to do…that."

"That?"

"I can hear your italics."

"Pretty much the point. Say it."

"I just don't want him with Puck."

"Hm. What about Finn? Kurt's always looking at him and, lately, Hudson has been looking back."

"That was the longest sentence I've ever heard you speak."

"I'm full of surprises. I'm like Kurt's crotch that way."

Mike coughed discreetly. "You noticed that?"

"The way it bunches in the front like the stitches are straining? Yeah."

"Do you think…he'd maybe…be interested…"

"And I'm the mute one? I'm pretty sure there's a sentence in there somewhere just dying to get out."

"This is hard for me, okay?"

"Apparently so, if that tent in your pants is any indication."

"You're enjoying this far too much."

"Not really. I just don't get what your problem is. Why can't you just admit you like looking at him?"

Mike screwed up his face. "All right! I like looking at him, okay? I like looking at Kurt Hummel! Particularly when he's wearing that damn Cheerios uniform and his spectacular ass is presented like a succulent Easter ham! And I like the way it bunches around his crotch when he sits down! Okay?"

Matt blinked. "Yeah, it's fine. I just didn't think you'd announce it like that."

Mike swiveled his head toward the front of the room and noticed that the entire glee club was staring at him. His mouth was suddenly a desert and sweat was dripping down the back of his neck.

Finn was looking at him as though contemplating murder, cracking his knuckles menacingly. Mercedes looked ready to help him.

Puck glared at him jealously.

Artie's eyes were narrowed and flinty. Tina's were glazed.

Rachel was appalled by Mike's sexual harassment of Kurt and was busy calling the EOC on his behalf.

Quinn patted her tummy. "I wonder if my baby's gay. Her daddy is."

Santana was smirking enough for an entire nation of she-demons.

Brittany's hand had disappeared under her skirt.

Schuester looked like a deer caught in headlights. Or like Pillsbury.

Kurt, who had immediately sat down in surprise, suddenly uncrossed his legs, winked, and gave his admirers a royal wave. "It's even better unwrapped."