Wanda Sykes in "X-Men: First Sass!" (A Cherik/Charik Dialogue Ficlet)

by QuestionableLiteraryMerit

Summary:

Just a little dialogue fic I wrote after imagining what would have happened if Wanda Sykes had intervened during that iconic, climatic moment between Erik and Charles in "X-Men First Class." WARNING: There WILL be swearing.

Moira raises her gun and begins to fire off shots. Erik raises his hand and....suddenly,

Wanda Sykes runs out in front of them in a bikini...

Wanda: Hey man! Why you shootin’? I’m on vacation here! If I wanted to have bullets fly over my head while I was napping, I woulda stayed in the hood.

Moira: Civilians on the beach. Repeat. There are civilians on the beach.  (Moira runs away to try contact her reps at the CIA)

Wanda:  (to Erik) And why the fuck are you deflecting bullets around like a damn fool? You ain’t even watching where they goin'! Someone gon' get HURT. Fucking paralyzed. Seriously, man. We’re talking some Christopher Reeves shit. Damn.

Charles: (gets up and dusts himself off) Salutations! My apologies for my friend. We were in the middle of...an altercation of sorts.

Wanda: (skeptical frown) Altercation? I was watching ya’ll before Trigger-Happy Tiffany started firing, and believe me…I wouldn’t call that an “altercation.” It looks more like yo' boyfriend just tried to Chris Brown your face into next Tuesday.

Erik: Boyfriend?

Charles: Chris Brown?

Erik: (turns around and realizes the missiles have plummeted into the ocean)

Erik: The missiles! Damn it!

Wanda: (to Charles) You gonna need some heavy duty Tina Turner Edition Maybelline to cover up those bruises, son. Mmm-Hmmm.

Charles: Erik, forget about those missiles! Come! Say hello to our new friend.

Charles: (moves to shakes Wanda's hand) I’m Charles Xavier.

Wanda: Hey Chuck, I’m Wanda Sykes.

Erik: (bitterly) Hello. (shakes Wanda's hand as well)

Wanda: Oh, well don’t strain yourself or nothing making my acquaintance, you crazy-helmet bastard.  

(Erik holds out his hand and begins to strangle Wanda, Moira-Dogtag style using her necklace)

Wanda: Hey! HEEEY! He’s chocking me! He’s chocking me with my own necklace! What the fuck kind of Harry Potter shit is THIS?

Charles: He can manipulate metal with his mind. Erik! Stop it!

Wanda: (grasping at own neck) Bitch, this necklace is solid gold!

Charles: (looks closely) Um, I don’t mean to be rude, but it appears to be gilded. With, er, gold…paint. 

Wanda: (shakes her head) Last time I eva buy jewelry from a crack addict…

Charles: Erik, please let her go!

Wanda: Bitch, you BETTA stop killing me before I break my foot offa yo ass!

(Erik sighs and then stops.) 

Charles: Remarkable! What manner of power is it that you posses, Wanda?

Wanda: What? Mannah a' powah?  

(Beast runs over with a device.)

Beast: Charles? The sass-ometer is picking up dangerously high levels of sassyness in the area. This woman seems to be emitting them. (Beast waves the device over Wanda, the device begins beeping frantically) 

Charles: Remarkable!

Beast: These are levels that would normally be lethal in ordinary humans. 

Wanda: (to Beast) Excuuuuse me? Who the fuck are you? Why you blue? (looks over at Raven) Why she blue? (looks over to Azazel and Angel) And who the hell are they? What the---is that the Devil with some kind of slutty, Paris Hilton-Tinkerbelle?

Charles: This must be your mutation, Wanda! Extreme Sassyness!  

Wanda: Oh! Ohhhh mutations! I get it now! I get it... That’s why you all look like the circus done broke down in the middle of the beach.

Beast: Wait, you know of mutation? So...you've been with other mutants before? 

Wanda: Well, I guess so, I mean, I done some experimentin’ back in college. But that was back when I was still trying to find myself, you know...That's a PERSONAL question, man. Seriously...

Raven: (from afar) Mutant and proud! 

Wanda: Yeah! (raises fist in solidarity) Get it, girl! Get it!

Wanda: (to Charles in a whisper) You know, Smurfette over there is kinda cute. 

Erik: This is pointless!!! We need to strike back NOW, while the humans are intimidated and vulnerable.

Wanda: Strike back? What the fuck? Are we at war or something? 

Erik: We will be! The Russians and the Americans have united against mutantkind! We’ve got to fight them now, while the advantage is ours and their missiles are useless.

Wanda: Russians? Missiles? (looks around) The sandy beaches of Florida? Aw shit, I think I done traveled through time again. Fuck! 

Charles: Erik, please stop this.

Erik: (moves to grab Charles by the elbow) Charles, I need you to do this with me. I need you by my side. 

Charles: Erik…I…I-

Erik: We’re brothers, Charles. We want the same thing. 

Wanda: Uh, do you two want me to go ahead and leave so ya’ll can have your little Brokeback moment together?

Charles: (gently grabs Erik by the shoulders) Erik, let’s go back home! We can talk all this through once we’re safe and sound. It’s too dangerous here! Let’s-let’s just go home now while we’re all still in one piece! 

Wanda: (raises index finger) Hold up, Chuck. Where is home, exactly?

Charles: (cheerily) At my family’s billion acre estate in a luxurious mansion. 

Wanda: HOT DAMN!  (claps heartily) Whoop Whoop! Case closed. Let’s go home, helmet head! Mama need a drink. You bitches made me spill my Pina Colada earlier with all that shooting ruckus.

(Erik sighs unhappily, obviously torn. He rubs Charles’ shoulder and looks at him fondly)  

Erik: But- but Charles, what about…..what about Moira?

Charles: (smiles) I can mindwipe her memory and then dump her off at the DMV on the way home. 

Erik: But she works for the CIA...

Charles: (shrugs shoulders happily) Whatever. They’ll reroute her. 

Erik: (insert giant fassy shark grin here) Oh, charles!

Charles: (looking down) I don’t care about Moira, Erik. I ---(meets his eyes) I only care about you.  

(They hug.)

Wanda: Aww! That is some sweet shit right there. Imma start fucking crying and I don’t even know you bitches! 

Erik: (releases Charles from the hug but still holds him close) Wait, Charles! How will we get out of here with both the ship and submarine grounded?

Azazel: (raises hand meekly) Uhhh. I'm a teleporter. We can leave, like, whenever.

Angel: Wait. You can teleport all of us? At the same time?

Azazel: (nodding) Yeah. Yeah... We just have to hold hands.

Riptide: Really, Azazel? REALLY? You wait until NOW to tell us that you can teleport ALL of us? Together?!!!

Azazel: What? What's the problem? I-I don't understand...

Angel: Maybe you could have mentioned that idea BEFORE a sky full of missiles was headed straight for us? Huh? HUH?!!

Azazel: Well, I’m SORRY, but I’m mentioning it NOW. Okay? Would it kill you guys to look at the glass as half-FULL once in a while? Geez. Are there any better ideas? Angel? Do you maybe want to fly us home with your broken wings?

Wanda: Ya’ll better listen to Johnny Cash Satan over there, cause we needs to get out of here. NOW. I’m tired of bullets flying around and missiles dropping and all this fucking shouting.

Charles: Wanda, you're coming with us?

Wanda: Shit yes! I’m sure that whatever you’ve got going on is better than being in the middle of the Cuban-fucking-Missile Crisis….motherfucker….If I ever see that slimy-ass travel agent again, Imma cut her pretty face with all those stupid brochures she keep mailing me!

Erik: It’s settled then. We’re teleporting. 

(Erik moves to hold Charles’ hand. Charles blushes. Raven moves to hold Erik’s other hand. Wanda intrudes and wedges herself between Erik and Raven. Raven glares at Wanda.)

Wanda: Hey. How you doing? (inspects Raven's face) Girl, I LIKE that blue on you. It really brings out the scary yellow in yo’ eyes. 

(The other mutants line up. Azazel begins to teleport off the beach but then stops)

Azazel: Wait a second. Are we forgetting something? I really feel like we're forgetting something...

(Everyone looks around and shrugs their shoulders)

Angel: Oh wait! I know! 

(Angel runs over to Sebastian Shaw’s dead body, bends down, and steals his watch.)

Angel: What? It's not like he was going to use it! We did this all the time back at the strip club. Old guys always die while you're dancing, but you have to make sure to steal their jewelry before you call the cops. Otherwise, well, it can get complicated.

Raven: Shut your dirty, whore mouth.

Azazel: No, no...that’s not it. There’s...something else.

Wanda: Bitch! Hurry up and ‘port us outta here!

(Azazel teleports them off the beach)

Meanwhile…in a secret government cell:

Emma: Hello! Hello! Is anyone coming for me? Helloooooo?

(Emma huffs and places her hands on her hips)

Emma: Those bitches forgot about me! Oh, well. Time to rescue myself. 

EMMA FROST DIAMOND-ZORD POWER! NOW!!!!

(Emma turns into her diamond mode and then crashes through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man, or the Incredible Hulk. Your choice.)