"Luke, wake up!" A voice calls out to me disturbing my, fairly rocky, sleep. I slowly blink opened my eyes and see Michael and Calum standing over me. Michael breaths out a sigh of relief, and Calum seems to relax, although worry was still shining in both of their eyes.
"Are you ok, Lukey?" Cal asks me, his tone worried and slightly confused.
"'M fine, why?" I asks furrowing my brows in confusion. Mikey and Cal exchange looks before Mikey turns to me,
"You were screaming, in your sleep, and you kept saying 'Go away!' Anytime we got near you." My jaw drops, and I stare at both Cal and Mikey in disbelief. I knew what I had been dreaming about, I had been dreaming about him.
This was the first time I had ever, said anything, during the nightmares in real life, I usually just suffered through them in silence. I take a deep breath, before responding,
"I was just having a nightmare it's fine I can't even remember what it was about anyway." I lie, though Mikey and Cal couldn't tell. I had become an expert at lying, and making my self seem happy.
"Alright then, Lukey were gonna get some breakfast, we have a day off so you can just relax." Cal announces smiling at me warmly.
"K, Cal, 'm probably gonna get a couple more hours of sleep." I smile back at him as he leaves the room dragging Mikey with him.
I let out a sigh of relief as soon as I'm alone, before heading to the bathroom that is attached to my room, in our house in LA. I lock the door behind me and walk over to the medicine cabinet above the sink. I pull my black box out from inside and open it up. I can't help but smile as I hold the small metal razor blade in my hand, although I also couldn't help but feel slightly guilty. Then I remember that I was doing this so I would be able to stay strong for the boys, they were all going through their own problems right now, the hate was worse than ever, and the last thing they needed was me screwing up even more than usual.
Pathetic, Fag, Loser, Worthless the thoughts echo through my head making me hate myself even more as I remember the words my dad used to say to me after I screwed up his marriage. I slowly sit down, leaning against the bath, and pull my sweatpants down to reveal my cut up thighs. I grab some toilet paper and lay it down on the floor next to my leg. I carefully cut into my leg carving out the first letter, it was slightly painful but it was the kind of pain I like so I didn't mind that much. I carve the other letters in quicker and then apply some disinfectant to stop the cuts becoming infected before quickly wrapping the now, new word in gauze to stop it from bleeding through my sweatpants. I pull my dark grey sweatpants back on before leaving the bathroom and hopping back into my bed.
I snuggle deep into the covers of my bed, and as I drift of to sleep, I pray to anyone that was listening that I won't dream of him. And for once, it seems like someone is listening, I didn't dream of him, I dreamt of the boys finding out. I dreamt of the betrayed looks on their faces, them telling me that I was worthless, that I didn't belong in the band anymore, that we weren't friends. Each thing they said got louder and louder and each word broke me a little more.
What hurt me the most was when dream Michael yelled,
"No one will ever love you Luke! Your just a pathetic Fag!" My heart literally broke in to thousands of pieces and the despair and pain I was feeling quickly began ti fade into numbness. I wake up in my bed with emotionless tears streaming down my face. I quickly check the time and see that I had been asleep for about an hour.
I sigh before getting up, grabbing some clothes and heading to the bathroom to take a shower. I was planning on taking a long shower but the minute I step into the shower my leg starts to burn. I stand in their for as long as possible before climbing out and getting changed into my clothes. I look at my self in the mirror in disgust.
' Pathetic Luke, that's what you are pathetic and worthless.' I push myself away from the mirror and walk out of the bathroom, putting on my smile, and heading downstairs.
I walk into the kitchen and see the boys eating together at the table talking about our newest song Disconnected. I walk over to the cupboard and start looking for a cereal bar. I pick up the last one and walk over to join the boys
"We need more cereal bars!" I announce as I sit down beside Mikey at the table. Ash and Cal both look up and nod before continuing their conversation. Mikey, however, turns to me, observing me for a moment before asking,
"Lukey, why do you only eat cereal bars in the morning, how come you don't have, cereal or toast?" I bite my lip trying to think of a response, I can't exactly say that I eat cereal bars because they had the least calories out of all the breakfast foods. By this point Cal and Ash both turn round to face me and are staring at me curiously.
"I, just don't get that hungry in the morning. " I supply simply.
Cal and Ash both nod seeming satisfied, but Mikey still stares at me suspiciously. He lets out a sigh before dropping his head onto my shoulder and studying Cal and Ash's exchange.
"Do you think something is going on with them?" Mikey whispers to me while gesturing towards Ash and Cal.
"Hmm, I don't know, they've been acting weird lately." I whisper back
"Yeah," Mikey mutters, "So have you, you know. " I sigh giving him a look that, hopefully, shows that I don't wanna talk about it. He sighs before nodding and turning back to tease Cal and Ash.