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Elvis Can Suck It

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People are stupid things, Olivander thinks. He's a puppy, his mum keeps telling him, so what does he know?

He knows that Mr. Murdoch really likes the lady who keeps coming by to look at all the puppies at the white-walled place and looks at him in particular like that big dog his mum said was his da.

Like he is the most annoying little shit ever.


Mr. Murdoch never does get his act together and Olivander finds himself taken away by the scary lady and placed in a white crate. Of course, there are other puppies in other crates and they all smell like fucking fear.

One, a burly German shepherd, is actually named Two. Two is a fucking idiot. There is a beagle with a name worse than Olivander, Winterbottom, and a terrier named Jaques, who is bright enough but of awfully short attention span.

The car gets loaded with more crates, which means more fear and crying.

Olivander decides to nap because at this point there is nothing he can do but plot his escape and wait for the others to fucking shut up.


He's surprised when the boy picks him. Then he sees the boy.

Fucking hell.


"It's a bulldog innit?"

Olivander would castrate the human, if he could.


The boy insists on calling him JB.

What a fucking tosser.


He tries to make the boy's life hell and obviously it works. The other dogs are either settling into their names or too stupid to rebel.

Jacques, under the hand of the nice lady who smells like flowers, calls himself Cousteau now, as she asks, and has an attention span longer than a vine video.

Olivander chews on the boy's shoes. He could at least have named Olivander after James Bond.


The boy eventually wins him over, especially after the boy gets snippy with the masters of the other dogs. Olivander can approve of a snippy boy.

He learns sit as a reward and soon enough he has the boy well trained.

Cousteau just grins the entire time, his body leaning against his girl's legs.


Cousteau is too busy being a "good dog" to be much fun, but he has better sense than the others and tells Olivander everything.

They spend the better part of their humans' training gossiping and that is how Olivander discovers that the other dogs were returned to the shelter and that shelter life usually ends with a quick death before the end of the year.


The boy is supposed to kill him, Olivander figures out. Then, the boy can leave this place.

He's just traded one shelter for another.


When he tells Cousteau the truth, the terrier just grins.

"Isn't that the point? To love and to serve?"

The girl doesn't love Cousteau. Olivander does.

He spends almost all his time with the bloody idiot to prove it.


The boy is a "good boy" as far as Olivander can tell and he likes the boy now.

He sleeps at the foot of the boy's bed and eats his bacon.

The boy likes Olivander too, even if he insists on calling him JB.


They can sense the day coming. Cousteau just looks sad that he has to leave his girl. Olivander wraps himself around the other dog as their people go off to do stupid things.

He wants his boy and Cousteau to be happy. That is more than he has ever wanted before.


The boy makes it to the end. The others are either dead or maimed, including Two and Winterbottom.

Olivander sits where he is told and waits.

The boy can't do it.

Cousteau sits still as water before a pebble is tossed into it. He tells the girl he loves her, has always loved her, and will always love her.

The girl pulls the trigger.

She drops to her knees and tells him she is sorry. Tells him that she loves him.

The boy looks ashamed and Olivander doesn't know why his boy feels ashamed for having a heart too big for his chest, that a small part of it is in Olivander and shooting Olivander means killing a little bit of himself.


The boy scoops him up and takes him home.

When the pug meets the puppy human, he grins in his own way.

"My name is JB."


His human almost dies and JB never let's him forget it.

His human is sad because his human had a human and that human didn't come home like he promised.

JB hates that human on principle.


He sees Cousteau a few months later.

He licks the bastard's face until the terrier capitulates and lets JB climb all over him.


The scary lady is less scary and JB lets the boy have a name, Eggsy, Galahad, and Kingsman.


The next time he goes to the office, JB smells something familiar, the smell that Eggsy carries when he comes home late and sad.

Trotting out of the office, he follows it to a place with white walls and the smell of dead things.

He wonders absently why the human Eggsy likes so much is in a shelter.

He can't climb up on the bed, so he takes a nap on the floor, guarding his human's human.


Eggsy smells like happy and sad at the same time.


Harry, JB learns from Cousteau, is the alpha human.

Eggsy follows the alpha human like a bitch in heat.



JB makes sure that Harry understands that Eggsy is his human and that the alpha human must not only negotiate terms of sharing Eggsy, but promise to not make Eggsy smell like sad hurt pain again.

The alpha human scratches behind his ears and he takes that as agreement.


Harry takes the courtship slow and Cousteau explains that that is how humans handle courtships.

JB thinks that the most stupid thing he has ever heard.

Life is too fucking short for that.


Harry eventually gets his act together.

Eggsy smells like happy and family and hope.


Cousteau grins at him all the time and JB grins back.

They lean against each other as their humans go off to save he world.


"What a pack of idiots."