You were staring, and the one time you let your guard down, he looks over.
He can't know. You can't let him know.
You are Dave Strider.
And you are in love with your completely heterosexual best friend.
You look away as he walks over to the car, where you sit, silent.
You can't meet his eyes.
You feel sick to your stomach.
How many times has he told you now?
He isn't a homosexual.
You have no chance.
But still. You can't let it go.
He opens the door to the passenger side, and you look away. It's impossible to look at him straight.
You've never been straight.
You've known it for ages now.
And it's not something you haven't tried to get rid of.
This fucking crush- infatuation- whatever the hell you want to call it-
No matter what you try, it won't fucking go away.
You notice that John is staring at you, head tilted, curious. But you still can't look him in the face.
"I'll take you home now."
It's all you can say.
You hope it's enough.
You sit in his driveway.
The two of you.
You wait for him to stand up.
And to leave you so that you can have a breakdown, like you so desperately need.
fuck. dammit. why did he have to look?
It's not like you haven't dropped hints before. And now you think that you were mistaken to ever, ever think that you could even have the slightest chance.
John doesn't move.
The music has faded to background noise, and you notice as he reaches and turns it off with the simple flick of a finger. And the quiet.
It hits you like a punch in the stomach.
For the first time that you can remember, the silence is actually awkward.
You don't know what to say.
It's obvious that you need to say something.
And then you flinch as John clears his throat, breaking the silence.
You still can't look at him.
You almost want to cry.
Because out of everything. Everything that you could lose. John's friendship.
That's the very worst.
You breathe in.
calm the fuck down.
John still hasn't spoken.
And you have no idea what he's going to say.
"Dave-" he starts. You jump. His normally quiet (or at least not OBNOXIOUS) voice seems amplified times a thousand.
He looks at you, clearly worried.
And then you realize.
You were still wearing your shades.
He couldn't have noticed.
You've been freaking out over nothing.
And you know he's noticed now.
You could've blown it off as just having been staring into space.
Now he knows.
There's no way to blow it off now.
"Dave, are you okay?"
You swallow hard and scramble for something to say.
Your mouth opens and closes, any semblence of composure completely shattered by now.
"What the fuck do you think?"
John looks alarmed.
"Well geez, I think not!"
He seems to be searching for something else to say. You butt in before he can.
"Look would you get out of the car? Please?"
You're not normally so polite. Especially not to John. But you're close to breaking right now and you need to get home so you can be alone or talk to your Bro who always seems to know what to do at times like this and you just need to BREATHE and you can't not with John still here still here so CLOSE and- and- and-
those blue eyes so blue so close so deep you could drown in them they swallow you swallow you whole and they settle on you and you can see something in them something that all of a sudden has you feeling slightly hot and bothered and you've neverevernonever seen it there before at least you don't think so or maybe you just didn't notice?
dear god just how many things have you not noticed being so wrapped up in staring trying to keep him from seeing seeing seeing everything you're afraid afraid of rejection and everything that could come from it nononononono you're much too afraid of the rejection
and how it could break
destroy your friendship.
You can't handle the thought of that.
You wonder vaguely if he can see you trembling. At the very least he can't see your eyes. The worry in them. The panic.
John eyes you carefully.
You think he sees.
You know he wonders just what the fuck is wrong with him?
But John is a good friend. The best. The best damn friend you've ever had. And he knows that you're upset and so he gets out.
He shuts the door of the car quieter than normal.
He looks back when he's reached his front door, so you don't look at him. You normally do.
He doesn't normally look back.
Your name is John Egbert.
You are not a homosexual.
But you are in love with your best friend.
Davesexual you suppose you'll call it. He's the exception to the rule.
You thought he was in love with you too.
Now you're worried.
Did he notice you staring back at him? Just this once? Because you feel sure that your eyes met, even though his were hidden behind those heavy shades.
You become distracted almost instantly, thinking of what lies behind them.
Dave's eyes crimson and hot almost glowing you've only seen them once maybe twice but god they were beautiful and you want to see them again you want to see them while he tells you he loves you you tell him you love him you just want that sosososososo much it's not just a want anymore it's a need you need it you need him you love him.
You're in love.
But you don't want to scare him off.
You're downright terrified of that.
Especially with how often you've pushed that you weren't a homosexual.
You still aren't.
You're just in love.
With your best friend.
There's a difference, you realized, quite a while ago.
And nothing wrong with it.
It just scares you.
you want Dave.
More than anything.
More than anyone.
More than any girl.
More than any guy.
More than anyone else evereverever
And now you're afraid you've screwed it all up.
Because you were stupid and thought that somehow for some reason he might confess first maybe if you could get him to because you wanted to be sure you didn't want to get heartbroken oh god that would be horrible so you want him to confess first so you wait and gently prod and you don't think that he's noticed would he even be looking for hints from you in the first place?
you don't think so but oh god you're not sure and you just you're almost at a loss for words you want him so badly and it hurts burns it's a need you need him to be with him to hold him make him yours not to own him but to make him yours so that he and you are like one and the same the same being same person you just want him.
You need to talk to him, you realize soon enough.
To get this figured out.
Because you're confused.
Because you're Davesexual.