Xander struggled in a vain attempt to find a comfortable position.
"I need to make another phone call," he whined piteously, rattling the cuffs for effect.
The icy blond policewoman ignored him. He never had much luck with those cool, Nordic types. Or any type. Or any woman.
Stupid Buffy for sending him here. Stupid him for agreeing to go. Stupid Cordy for not being at home. Stupid Angel for taking his sweet time.
"Stupid vampire," he savagely mumbled.
Kate Lockley grunted, stood, and stomped away for what Xander assumed was a donut or possibly a Midol. Not that he could blame her. From what he could tell, she really needed one. Or the other. Both, he decided. But his utterance had caught the attention of another.
Lindsey McDonald had just finished posting bond for one of his clients when he would have sworn in open court that he heard someone complaining of a vampire. His eyes roamed the busy squad room until they landed on a young man with floppy hair and pouty lips. Cute, but not really his type; he preferred blond twinks, of which L.A. had an endless supply.
"Excuse me," he began, smoothly gliding his way over, "did you mention a vampire?"
The boy blinked, looking annoyed that his rancorous thoughts had been interrupted. "Huh?"
Lindsey cocked his head. "Playing dumb? Doesn't really work for you."
"It does too! All the time, I might add," Xander insisted. "Usually because I'm not playing."
"You were talking about vampires. Stupid ones."
"No, you were talking about vampires."
"I heard you say 'vampire'."
"What's this obsession with vampires all about?"
Lindsey arched a brow.
Discerning he had once again lost, Xander sighed. "Fine. I was talking about an ex-girlfriend, the one who wasn't home when I used my one phone call. She's an emotional vampire. And a spiritual rapist. Odd for someone whose name means 'warm-hearted', but then she defies all description and expectation."
Lindsey smirked, then faltered. "Warm-hearted? Cordelia? Cordelia Chase?"
The boy's eyes narrowed.
"You were talking about Angel," the smug lawyer grinned.
The boy quirked a brow but his warm brown eyes plainly reflected wariness. Lindsey wasn't sure how to interpret this. He believed the kid had no love lost for Angel, yet also didn't want to see any unnecessary harm come to him. Weird.
"Who are you?" the brat demanded.
"My name is Lindsey McDonald. I'm an attorney."
He didn't know what to expect, but it sure wasn't snickering.
"I know who you are," Xander chortled. "Cordy told me all about you. I thought you'd be taller."
Lindsey frowned. "Is that so? What else did she tell you?"
"That you're not nearly as cute as you think you are," the boy grinned. "Although, gotta admit, she might be wrong about that," he finished, batting his eyelashes. "Not that I'd ever tell her so. I'm not suicidal."
"You know what I think?"
"That reindeer really know how to fly?"
"You're flirting with me."
"Objection. Assuming facts not in evidence," Xander barked. He then lowered his voice to an exaggerated whisper. "I watch a lot of Law & Order."
Lindsey blinked. Was this kid for real?
"I am. Scary, huh?"
"Why are you here?"
Xander shrugged. "Saw a vamp go for a kid. Staked the vamp. Kid went nuts, was of no help to the cops. And here I am."
"Oh, how tragic," Lindsey drawled. "The noble heroic youth punished for merely performing a good deed."
"Yeah," Xander agreed, nodding. "Wanna buy some cookies and send me to summer camp?"
"Only if I can be your counselor."
The boy's lips tugged upwards, almost against his will. "Do you want me to wear one of those smart uniforms?"
"Do you think you could pull off the shorts?"
"I sure as hell wasn't planning to keep them on," Xander replied, offering a lazy smile.
"You know what I think?"
"I think we've already established that I do, but Cordy told me she keeps an alphabetized list of all things Evil. She's nervous that Deadboy might be in early-stage Alzheimer's. He is almost four hundred, you know."
Lindsey almost choked with glee upon hearing 'Deadboy'. "I thought he was in his two-fifties."
"Ah, but I round up. And you're forgetting that pesky century in Hell."
"So I am. What's your name?"
"What do you want it to be?"
"That's not nice."
"I'm not a nice guy," Lindsey admitted, smirking.
Xander sighed. "I know. That's why the only people who are interested in me are either demons or lawyers. Hey, is there a difference?"
Lindsey thought about Lilah. "Depends where they got their degree."
"Well, this has been fun, but my not-so-guardian Angel has arrived."
Lindsey tensed and said nothing as Angel stalked up.
"Are you okay?" the vampire quickly asked the boy. "I'm sorry I couldn't get here sooner, but there was a situation."
"Cordy?" Xander immediately asked, voice fraught with tension.
"She's fine. Something else. I explained everything to Kate. You're free to go."
"Thanks, Deadboy. Hey, you know Linds, here, right?"
Angel curled a lip. "Don't talk to him, Xander."
"Now Deadboy, I really appreciate your whole overprotective thing, but I'm not Buff. You don't get to pick to my boyfriends."
"Your what?" the vampire roared.
"We're dating?" Lindsey asked.
"Of course we are!" Xander growled, feigning offense. "Here we are in the dead of night - me, bound and helpless - and with a ridiculously hot Big Bad looming over me? A pissed-off Angel begrudgingly trying to save me to boot? Me still alive? Best date ever." He paused. "And I really mean that!"
"You think I'm hot?"
"Probably not as much as you do, but yeah. So, what are we going to do about it?"
"Me?" Xander continued. "I'm thinking we blow the popo and go back to your place. You like Twinkies?"
"Is that a metaphor?" the lawyer queried.
"It might be. If I knew what a metaphor was. But I don't. Hey, we can bring the handcuffs, right?"
Angel sat down and put his head between his knees.