Title: Jesus doesn’t want me for a sunbeam
Author: Rating: PG-13-R
Summary: After Cas' encounter at a brothel at Dean's instance Dean finds his feelings becoming clear both to himself and the angel. But will it become anything more or will Cas keep away to prevent the eventuality?
Warnings: possible spoliers for 5x03 but I'm sure most people in fandom have seen it anyway.
Disclaimer: The whole concept of Supernatural © the awesomeness that is Kripke and, don’t sue because the contents of my bank account is only worth about a third of the amount in European currency. Plot mostly based on fiction…i.e not real….but a girl can wish<3 Title © Nirvana.
Author Notes: Ok so this is an old entry that I never got around to posting...I have a few others I need to post too which may appear over the next few weeks depending on the time I have. It has been tweaked by but I still apologise if it doesn't seem in character.
I hadn’t exactly liked the idea that Castiel was going to be punished or possibly killed by the entity he had committed his entire existence to. Yet when he told me the truth about his virginity and how it remained intact in honesty I wasn’t really surprised. A follower of the lord, in my experience, usually remained celibate anyway. But I suppose in a way I used it as an opportunity to see if he had a preference about which team to bat for. I knew Jimmy had been strictly hetro before Castiel took possession of him but there was nothing to say that Cas wasn’t curious about the other side of the fence.
Seeing him scared to death as we sat in the bar of the brothel, his eyes widened and gaze on the floor as he took the odd sip of his beer that I had had to practically shove into his hand, I tried not to seem like I was being really obvious but at the same time I knew he wouldn’t be the only disgraced angel I had been with. Yet I was sure, no I wanted, it to be different than it was with Anna. To actually mean something more than a random hook-up on the impala before judgment day.
Once I pulled Chastity over to introduce them to each other I watched her lead Cas towards the back after I handed him the money, yet his gaze met mine over his shoulder as though silently begging me to stop this before it went any further. I merely flashed the Winchester smile, shrugged and leaned back into my seat as the waitress appeared to chat me up with my second beer on the house, my favourite kind.
When the incident happened I could see I was in with a chance, why else would have wrecked the mood by talking to her about her dead father? Though he still looked a little freaked out at her reaction, as though he had intended the news to comfort her instead of scare her.
“Hey Cas you alright?” I asked as we hung around in the car park near the Impala after escaping through the back door.
“Yes of course.” He murmured, though he didn’t look the least bit sure. I could understand his embarrassment as the situation he had been put in because of me but part of me was sure there was so much more to it than that. A second sense kind of thing I had picked up by being around him so long.
“You sure you don’t want to talk about it? I mean it’s not exactly my kind of thing but if you want to...”
A small smile appeared on his vessel’s face, the first real time I could be sure it was actually the angel and not Jimmy.
“You sound nervous, yet hopeful Dean. Are you sure there wasn’t something you wanted to share with me? Such as why you decided to bring me to the most ironic brothel in Maine?”
“No there isn’t and you know my reason perfectly well. You’ve told me there is a good chance that you could be killed when we try and bring Raphael in your presence.”
He tilted his head thoughtfully as I hoisted myself up on the bonnet of the Impala, though the way he looked at me after his little moment seemed to scream he had found an answer he had been subconsciously looking for.
“I remember you were bothered by my being a virgin.” He said, his gaze locked on me as he sat beside me on the bonnet, his feet rested delicately on the bumper as though afraid it would come off if he pressed them down too hard.
“Well you are an attractive guy Cas...”
“No I think you are referring to Jimmy...”
“That’s not what I meant. I mean, I know you’re an angel and with it must come that whole celibacy thing but since things have changed, I’m just saying why should you be deprived anymore?”
With a long resounding sigh, the kind he makes when I’ve missed the point entirely of something he had said, he shook his head.
“Just because of everything that had happened, doesn’t mean I will forsake the vow I made to my father.”
“Not even to experience happiness before you are hunted down like a demon?”
“Physical gratification may make some people happy, like you, but for me just knowing that someone cares for me is more than enough.”
“It’s not for me.” I murmured, wishing I had a beer to put my attention on so I didn’t have to see the look on Cas’ face that had shifted to something akin to understanding.
“So there was another motive for us coming here. Something to do with your feelings for me....I’m assuming that had something to do with it?”
“I...no.” I couldn’t even come up with a reason to explain how wrong he was. That I didn’t have any feelings for him when he probably knew as well as I did what a load of bull shit it would be.
“No? Yet you look upset every time you mention my possible demise.”
“Cas, drop it. Let’s just go back to the motel and pretend tonight never happened.” I sighed, sliding off the bonnet and moving to driver’s side to unlock the car.
The whole drive to the motel he didn’t say anything more on the subject, just looked out the passenger side window with a look on his face I couldn’t put my finger on. Yet something inside me screamed at how attractive he looked in the moonlight. Crap, my brain is turning to mush over an angel who knows more about me than I do.
Once we reached the motel and entered the room, I kicked off my boots and lay on my bed with the intention of sleeping but I could feel him watching me and knew that wasn’t going to happen any time soon.
“Dean, I think maybe we should talk, I don’t believe I’ve been making myself clear somehow.”
I frowned and sat up so my back rested against the headboard as he sat beside me on the bed.
“What do you mean?”
He looked nervous, an expression I never thought I would see on his face as he edged closer, his hand cupping my cheek yet I pulled back before the obvious happened so I could be sure that I wasn’t imagining what was going to happen.
“Whoa, ok Cas where is this coming from?”
“I suppose in a way its hard not to gather emotions and attachments to someone I’ve pulled from hell personally and watched over.”
“That doesn’t answer my question.”
“Well you haven’t exactly been answering any of mine.”
His hand rested back against my cheek and this time I let it happen, probably more out of curiosity than anything else. It was tentative, he was definitely a virgin where kissing was concerned, yet at the same time it was definitely one of the sweetest kisses I had ever experienced. I let him play about with technique and dynamics before gently deepening it, afraid I was going too fast for him. Instead his eyes closed as he practically melted into the gesture.
I edged back a little to meet his gaze and saw him biting his lip as he got up from the bed to probably do a disappearing act to wherever he goes when he’s not with me, a place I didn’t want him to be at that moment in time after what had just happened.
“Hey Cas, wait a second...” I said, pushing myself off the bed and resting a hand on his arm in the hopes it would stop him long enough for me to talk.
“I’ll be back, I just need a bit of time to adjust.” He said shakily, pulling his body out of my grasp and disappearing, leaving me standing in an empty motel room, knowing the next time he appeared maybe I needed to make myself clearer too.
He didn’t reappear for three weeks, leaving me on the road alone as I looked for the next clue in the apocalypse puzzle which was harder than when it had been me and Sam or me and Cas. I ended up hanging around in Minnesota, a state line away from Bobby, living in a third rate motel with no internet, leaving me to walk five blocks to reach a decent cyber cafe. I resisted all urges to contact Sam or ask Bobby about Angel/human relationships, not that he would know anymore than me. They weren’t exactly written down in the bible or a copy of angel dating for dummies, though that would have been easier.
One night after another fruitless day of searching the websites of newspapers I arrived back at the motel to see Cas sat on my bed, looking a little edgy at the change in environment, like he had expected me to wait around for him in Maine.
“And he finally makes an appearance.” I murmured, flinging myself back on the bed, toeing off my boots as I rubbed my eyes with the heels of my hands. I hadn’t exactly been sleeping much since he left, not that I’d tell him as such.
“I’m sorry I took so long. I didn’t expect it would take three weeks.”
“Where did you go or is it better if I don’t ask?” i asked, still fixated on not looking at him.
“I could tell you if you wish, however I think it best if i didn’t. Especially since it only caused more harm than good after the incident with Raphael.” He sighed.
“You’re still on the run?”
“Technically. However I’d prefer to talk about something else, something you were going to speak to me about before I left.”
“I don’t remember what it was now Cas. It was three weeks ago!”
“How about I give you a bit of a reminder of the direction the conversation was going?”
His hands rested either side of my ribs as his lips found mine, a lack of tentativeness this time but the sweetness and the buzz was still there in a way I would never get tired of and I knew I would never be able to find from anyone else.He pulled away when he knew I needed air yet as he did so all the words I wanted to say to him, that had been building in the weeks since he left, seemed to appear more clearly.
“You remember now?”
I pushed myself upright but out of his reach, knowing that getting distracted by his addictive set of lips wasn’t a wise bet.
“Cas, even if I feel something for you more than I should, there is nothing to say it will go anywhere with the way things are.”
“What do you mean?”
“You being in danger, maybe it’s this knowledge that had brought it out in the open. I don’t want to lose the chance to experience how it would feel to be with angel I really care about.”
A look flashed across his face, one that told me he knew there was more behind what I was saying than I was letting on.
“You’ve already been with a humanized angel you cared for Dean.”
My heart jumped into my throat at the tone in his voice, disapproval filled with hurt.
“It was different with Anna.”
“Really? And why is there a difference?”
“Because I didn’t care about her as much as I do you Cas.”
“Yet you didn’t say anything sooner.”
“You weren’t on the Angels and Demons most wanted list before.”
He said nothing but his body language spoke for him. It stiffened as his posture straightened. He pushed himself up from the bed and moved to take his usual position in the corner nearest the door, the way he had before this happened. His expression moved blank and I knew I was losing my chance to come clean. I wasn’t exactly big when it came to talking about my feelings at the best of times but especially when I knew that it counted for something in the other person’s eyes.
I pushed myself off the bed and stood before him, emotionally drained but I knew I couldn’t let this go.
I kissed him softly in case he would just push me away but as his lips moved in response, my front teeth grazing against his lower lip. But when he didn’t protest I nipped at his lower lip, feeling his mouth open and the most glorious of sounds come from between those lips, part groan part sigh. The deeper my grip on his lip took the more the sound made itself known until I wanted to make my mark on him in a way that wouldn’t leave any doubt about how much I cared and wanted him.
My grip slackened on his lip as my tongue brushed his lip, to ease the pain. My lips than moved over his chin and gradually down his neck, my finger tips undoing the buttons of his collar and tie slowly while my lips moved pre-occupied over the skin under his ears.
“I guess what I was trying to say Cas is that the thought of you not in my world let alone my life is unbearable.” I murmured, his arms around my waist to pull me closer to him, his head tilting back now that it was free to move. “All I want is for you to be mine. If I mark you here will I make you mine forever?”
“Forever as long as you want.” He whispered, tilting his head as my teeth bit into the skin of his neck eagerly at the go ahead.