Chapter Text
Honestly, it wasn’t supposed to get so out of hand. Someone (supposedly the Director himself, but nobody wanted to point fingers in that direction) had posted the first rule on the very empty bulletin board, and, soon after, more and more just kept appearing. Now, the Main Bulletin Board was one of the most valuable things in the SHIELD Headquarters, and new recruits were ordered (yes, ordered) to read and review it as thoroughly as the actual handbook. The ever-growing list of unofficial official rules and announcements became such a fast hit that even if there were several threats to having everything removed, it stayed solely because it was just that valuable.
The unspoken laws were just as important to follow as the ones written down, after all.
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INTRODUCING THE MAIN BULLETIN BOARD OF THE STRATEGIC HAZARD INTERVENTION, ESPIONAGE LOGISTICS DIRECTORATE:
- Do not cross Director Fury. (He’s the boss, and orders shall not be questioned.)
“Unless you’re Tony Stark~” “Haha, very funny. Consider your lab accesses threatened.” “How harsh. Who poked your eye patch today, Mr. Grouch?”
- Don’t cross Agent Romanov, either.
“I’m flattered.” Natasha Romanov was heard to remark when she read the rule.
- Briefings and debriefings are not optional. Do not treat them as such.
Tony Stark had been missing them for the last several missions until the Director got fed up.
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Whoever stole the unopened bottle of vodka from my locker, give it back.
(Natasha, I’m shocked.)
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Agent Romanov neither confirmed nor denied the accusation.
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MISSING: Taser
-In good condition. Decorated with nail polish and heart stickers. Has sentimental value.
Please return to Darcy Lewis of Lab 213
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Darcy sniffed, “I tasered Thor with that after the first time we ran him over. Remember that, Jane? Remember?"
- Tony Stark is not a VIP. Please refrain from encouraging his ego.
Tony pinned his six-page spread from an international magazine as the number 1 in the ‘Hottest and Richest in America’ list in retaliation.
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May the person who turned the vending machine in the break room into a bomb please diffuse it immediately.
(You know who you are.)
(Tony.)
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Agent Coulson was far from amused when he took a snack break only to find the vending machine start beeping ominously when he put his coins in.
- ‘I wasn’t paying attention’ is not a legitimate excuse, especially if it doesn’t answer the question as to why you were tinkering with the vending machines in the first place.
“Wow, Tony, you really annoyed him this time.” “How was I supposed to know he liked Mars Bars that much?” “How could you turn something into a bomb by accident, anyway?”
Steve Rogers then realized he had asked the wrong question when he had to sit through half an hour of Tony explaining how spending most of his life learning how to make explosives tended to seep into his inventing and fixing habits when he wasn’t focusing on the task.
- Don’t believe everything Agent Barton says, he takes enjoyment out of scaring the new recruits.
“Aww, but they’re so gullible!” Phil Coulson turned to glare at the marksman, “Do you want me to bring up the ‘Haunted Break Room’ incident, Barton?” “Hey, in fairness to me, that was a pretty good one.” “You made five brand new agents leave.”
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The SHIELD HQ Betting Pool has been officially OPENED! Approach Dr. Bruce Banner in Lab 152 or Darcy Lewis in Lab 213 to place your bets.
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“Oh, this is going to be so fun.” Agent Barton was heard to have said, rubbing his hands together in evil glee.
- If you value your life, don’t mention the Director and the word ‘pirate’ in the same sentence.
Fury had heard a lot of mockery about his eye patch, but he put his foot down at "Aye, aye, Cap'n!"
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To the sorry soul who instigated the rumor about Captain America and Iron Man, start running.
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Steve Rogers and Tony Stark were found stalking the halls after they heard about the whispers going around about their relationship.
The culprit was found the next day, stuck to the ceiling, decorated with paper stars and doused with machine oil.
- Come on, people, don’t aggravate Dr. Banner, we just got the walls repaired.
This should have been absolute given, really, but some foolhardy new recruits tended to lack common sense.
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OFFICIAL ANNOUNCEMENT
To: ALL NEW SHIELD AGENTS
Re: There will be a meeting with Agent Coulson at 1500 hours for an introductory seminar. Please be punctual and bring a notepad and a pen.
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