Work Header

AND THEN THEY ALL FUCKED (AKA What Happens In The Universe Frog...)

Chapter Text

Your name is John Egbert. You sort of turn 18 today (Time Shenanigans are involved so no one's quite sure what age to consider themselves, but physical/mental age seems to work), and you are very much looking forward to it. This is because, acknowledging a grand old American tradition known as the Age of Consent (now irrelevant since America doesn't exist anymore, but whatever), you are finally going to have sex with your alien boyfriend Karkat. Buckets are apparently involved in some way, you're not quite sure how that works.

Since you are so confused about the whole thing, and since it is a surprise, so you can't ask him directly, duh, you have decided to ask the most knowledgeable and analytical of your friends what to do. This person is Bec Noir.


Ha ha ha. No, of course it isn't. Bec Noir is dead, and he was evil and you hated him. It's ROSE. You're going to talk to Rose. The conversation will be awkward, but it is necessary. You must be able to pleasantly surprise Karkat, no matter what.

Man, this really is going to be ridiculously awkward.

> John: Have ridiculously awkward conversation.

ectoBiologist (EB) began pestering tentacleTherapist (TT) at 5:44 PM.
EB: hi rose!
TT: Hello, John. Happy birthday!
EB: thanks, pal.
EB: friend.
EB: buddy
EB: palfriend.
EB: friendbuddy.

TT: Stop all this nonsense immediately.
TT: So how's it been in your little slice of paradise?

EB: well, i've been pretty good really!
EB: karkat is fine too.

TT: That's nice.
EB: so...
TT: Yes?
EB: there's a reason i messaged you.
TT: Inexplicably, I suspected as such despite your typical idiom of talking to me for no purpose whatsoever. /sarcasm
TT: Perhaps it's my magnificent Seer powers.
TT: Actually, no, that much is blindingly obvious.
TT: What my magnificent Seer powers are telling me is that you're going to ask what troll mating entails and what it means for you and Karkat.

EB: well...
EB: well, yes!
EB: thank you for your understanding, because this is really very awkward.

TT: Happy to help. I figured it out a hell of a lot earlier in my blackrom with Equius, but then again I'm sometimes almost more about the comprehension of mechanics than the game itself.
EB: um, rose, i really do not want to hear about your mechanics!
EB: or equius's!
EB: ever!

TT: Oh, you can just hush. I'm only telling you to try to help you and your relationship, especially in the "not dying" department.


EB: what?!
TT: First, troll sex is pretty much like human sex.
TT: You know what that involves, right? I don't have to explain it to you?

EB: well, i've seen some stuff on the internet that seems pretty accurate.
TT: Well, I'll send you the Dave/Tavros video just to make sure.
TT: They know what they're doing.

EB: i pray to your obscene horrorterror gods that you are joking.
TT: Of course.
TT: (Also, if you'll recall, we killed my "obscene horrorterror gods".)
TT: It's actually of your future self and future Karkat.

EB: !
EB: oh, this is rampant silliness. i don't know or care whether or not you're telling the truth at this point. now, you said something about death?

TT: Listen, you don't want to know how I found this out, but what "bone bulge" actually means is that there's a column of bone contained
EB: ...gah!
TT: Now, I don't know how much you know about biology and anatomy, but humans don't have those. Our bodies are not adapted to accommodate them.
TT: The way the trolls deal with it is basically that, their reproductive orifice (which both genders possess, by the way) is incredibly resilient and linear. Our orifices are decidedly not.
TT: It would basically impale us, with death almost certainly to follow.

EB: ...
TT: Now, death by accidental sex-impalement obviously does not count as "heroic" or "just", so it isn't permanent, but dying is still pretty damn unpleasant.
TT: Especially that way, as I discovered through personal experience.

EB: eurgh. please stop.
TT: However, what is relevant to you beyond scarring you for life-
TT: which I will admit is a nice bonus-
TT: is that I have discovered a way to bypass the whole issue.

EB: thank you so much for not telling me that earlier, before the trauma.
EB: much appreciated!

TT: Well, I did have to impress upon you how serious it would be if you didn't do exactly as I am about to instruct you.
EB: whatever! can you please tell me what you were going to tell me so that i can go back to never thinking about you and equius ever again?
EB: or your untimely death by sex-impalement.
EB: jegus, i did not need to know!

TT: Well, being a sort-of-wizard and all, I have magic.
EB: brilliant!
TT: Quiet, you. I realized that I would have to construct a spell, or item, that would prevent the thrusts from
EB: please just tell me how to do this and stop talking about it.
EB: forever, if at all possible.

TT: It's a magic condom. It makes you not die from terrifyingly fucked-up alien anatomy. Is this simple enough for you?
EB: um.
EB: yes.
EB: but...

TT: Conveniently, being a Seer, I already knew that you don't actually know how to use a condom. I have thus graciously included an instructional video, made with what I choose to interpret as the express consent of Equius. You can watch either that one or the one with your future selves.
EB: may i just say that your sort-of-rape hatesex romance with the weird classist/racist dude is massively disturbing?
EB: thanks, though!

TT: Honestly, John, your boyfriend is a troll too. I would think that you'd be a bit more accepting of his culture.
EB: the non-rapey parts, yes. you saw how i said "jegus" a while back? cultural sensitivity at its finest!
EB: i've started referencing troll terminology and culture so he feels less lonely for his dead civilization.

TT: How nice.
TT: Well, it's been a delightful conversation.
TT: Wait, I almost forgot: There's another type that you yourself will need to use the other way around.

EB: huh? why?
TT: Well, their biology is based on the
EB: okay, i don't actually want to know.
EB: ever.

TT: The point of that lecture was going to be that without this it would sever your

TT: All right, I guess I'll talk to you later. Don't get yourself killed with alien sex, alright? If you do, I will not hesitate to mock you for the rest of our theoretically immortal lives once you resurrect.
EB: will do!
ectoBiologist (EB) ceased pestering tentacleTherapist (TT) at 5:52 PM.

> Be Rose.

You are now Rose! Not that you ever weren't Rose. (Except when you were a horrorterror.)

> [S] Rose: Laugh evilly.


Not that you actually have anything to laugh about. You just feel like laughing, and evil laughter is also a very convenient way to drain Grimdark urges.

Plus, Kanaya likes it.

> ♥

Yes, Kanaya, your...matesprit? You guess? She's definitely your girlfriend, at least. You are not certain where you, as a slightly altered human, interact with the quadrants of their weird-ass romance system, but she's definitely associated with positive emotions and sex/romance for you, so you're probably closest to matesprits.

She is sort of the vampire reincarnation of the troll Virgin Mary who wields a demon lipstick chainsaw into battle and once kicked an evil possessed clown in the crotch, off a cliff.

She is wonderful and you pretty much love her, forever.

(Also you frequently have hot pseudo-lesbian sex, which is quite pleasant.)

> ♠

Equius, on the other hand, you loathe. That stupid, musclebound, racist, classist, masochist- UGH! Your feelings regarding him are almost as strong as those for Kanaya. That includes attraction, oddly enough. He is sexy, especially when somewhat battered.

You alone among the humans are capable of truly understanding kismesis, possibly because of the changes made to your brain chemistry by the Lords of the Outer Ring. Therefore, you consider yourself to be a more complete and stable person, which is highly debatable since you are not actually a troll, and therefore have no reason whatsoever to even attempt to understand their crazy brains.

Anyway, your "relationship" is basically an extended feud centered around directly attacking, ambushing, and backstabbing each other at every turn, with a good deal of winner->loser sort-of-rape mixed in. You only enjoy it when you win, but you tend to win, so you're not complaining.

It is highly disturbing to pretty much everyone else, including other trolls.

> Get up from the computer and look out the window.

You're not at a computer; you're using your scarf! Every article of clothing you possess can act as a portable computing device and Internet hub. This is at Jade's insistence.

Jade is a bit strange, especially now that it's a few thousand years (for her) between your conversations.

What were you thinking about, again?

> Go look out the goddamn window, alright?

Fine. You look out the window at your paradise.

> Gaze in awe.

Yes, yes, it's all very pretty. LOSAK, a whole planet full of sunlight and kittens and slavering hordes of the undead, just for the two of you.

Wait, what's that sound?


A sort of creaking noise - the door has opened!


A SHADOWY FIGURE has entered the room!


Rose leaps to her feet, one of her less powerful wands in hand, and blasts a lightning-fast spear of eldritch power at the interloper. (She can generate the eldritch on her own, now that she has all the power of the Horrorterrors and more, and it's just so convenient to use, and it drains off the Grimdark. With the eldritch, the evil laughter, and the occasional monologue in the emptiness of space, she's nearly as light-hearted as her friends.)
The majykk, flashing towards the intruder, suddenly warps around them and grounds itself in the floor, producing a large scorch mark. Rose recognizes the symbol formed by the deflection charm and puts one hand over her face. Kanaya pulls back her hood and raises one eyebrow, a half-smile on her blood-smeared lips.

Whoops, it's actually your alien girlfriend.

Sorry, Kanaya!


"Sorry, Kani. I didn't think you were coming home until tonight." Rose flushes slightly. "You seemed pretty excited about that infestation of horn-shamblers."
"I suppose that I should have informed the seer that I was coming. Is your oracular crystal broken, or something to that effect?" Kanaya smirks, then looks slightly more serious. "It is all right. They were easier to vanquish than I had anticipated, that is all. How are you? I have been away somewhat more than usual lately."
Rose smiles wickedly. "Well, it's been terribly difficult but I've had to survive somehow despite your heartrending absence. Ohh!" She feigns a swoon. "I fear my vascular muscle may burst with joy at seeing you once more after that cruelest circumstance of our parting!"
Kanaya's luminescent face has gone impassive and uncertain. "I am unable to determine if that is sarcasm. Please assist me."
Rose's black little heart melts with bright, flushed red at that doubting, hopeful tone in Kanaya's voice. She cannot hope to best Kanaya Maryam in a cute-off. She is simply the best there is.
"Well, that was a bit of an advanced sample. It was doubly recursive in its irony; the ironic tone was itself a deeper layer over a genuine core." At her matesprit's blank face, she holds out her arms for a hug and clarifies, "The underlying emotion was sincerely felt."
The troll's face lights up in a figurative as well as literal sense, and she moves forward to accept her prize-hug. She embraces her lover and growls contentedly.
She slips off her cloak and unlaces her dark green dress (nearly black, though that might be blood), but stops before she removes her undergarments. She looks at an empty spot on the ceiling, somewhat disgruntled.

Kanaya would really prefer if the POV would go away first, as she feels somewhat awkward with people reading about her having sex.

> Fine, fine.

Kanaya thanks the POV graciously, then gets back to work.