Thor knows he has done wrong. He knows it like he knows that the sun rises on the east. And it makes him grit his teeth and want to call on Sif and let her beat him until he is covered in bruises. Maybe that would make him feel better.
Or rather, have an entire herd of wild horses trample over him. He would deserve it. He is quite aware of that one as well.
He just shuts himself in his chambers instead, keeps circling like a beast in a cage. After a while he tries to shake it off and takes a seat on his bed, but it just reminds him of his guilt. And so he springs back onto his feet and continues measuring the room with his stride.
He was not supposed to do that.
It was a heat of the moment sort of thing, shoving Loki to the ground and barely avoiding a booted foot square in the face. Then there was that goddamn blade going for the back of his knee and Thor knew that his chance was in not allowing his brother to gain enough space and time to get back on his feet. So he fell, letting the knife slice across empty air overhead before rolling on top of Loki and pinning him. It was easy from that point, with Thor already gaining the frame of a warrior, and Loki still being so thin and spindly.
Still, that didn't keep his brother from trying, and Loki trashed in his hold, making Thor put more weight on him, press harder, keep holding. And suddenly there was friction and Thor's eyes rolled back behind his lids, hips pushing for more before it even registered in his mind, a small moan slipping past his lips.
They stared at each other with wide, terrified eyes, panting hard, and so very, very still all of a sudden. Thor could feel his heart hammering in his chest as though trying to break his ribs, could feel Loki against him, bony hips and heat and hardness.
"Loki." It was more a growl than a word, and Thor had to shut his eyes tightly, not see his brother's face, so beautiful and flushed and wrong.
Like that he missed the moment something shifted between them, and all he could feel was Loki's hips thrusting up against the muscle of Thor's thigh, making them both gasp, strain for more. It was as short as it was frenzied, movements jerky and uncontrolled, breaths too loud in his ears, nose so full of the scent of leather and sweat and Loki. The feeling of his brother tensing up under him made Thor topple over the edge himself in a heartbeat.
And then it dawned on him. Somewhere between catching his breath and his heart starting to slow down, Thor realised what he just did. And it haunts him with guilt. Not just the act itself, but how scared he was, how he stuttered and left his brother so abruptly (fled, a little voice inside keeps whispering) and how the mere memory of Loki's body under his is doing things to him still. It shouldn't. Ever. Thor feels all the more vile because of it.
And worst of all, the insecurity.
There might not have been anyone in the training hall safe for the two of them, but Heimdall's eyes are all seeing and wander often. His loyalty to Odin is also above all question, always. Does he know? Would he tell their parents? He wouldn't, would he?
Thor doesn't dare imagine how much it would invoke the wrath of his father. He can, however, imagine the look in his mother's eyes all too well. That look that says that Frigga is disappointed in her son, the one that cuts deeper than any punishment. And Thor knows he would deserve it a thousand times over this time.
Thor might not be fully matured yet to be accepted into the class of warriors, but he certainly is old enough to know what goes on between handmaids and serving men behind closed doors or conveniently available hay stacks. His mother made sure that they talked about these things, the two of them. Not Loki, because Frigga said that he was too young, and Thor remembers thinking how silly it sounded even then, because Loki might have been younger but he was also way more clever too. Thor would always be surprised by the endless amount of things his brother seemed to know and has given serious thought to.
But back then he was just way too embarrassed to say anything, and too busy to pretend that he wasn't interested in what his mother had to say.
And therein lies one of his gravest problems.
Whenever Frigga would talk about these things, she would always mention girls - girls Thor should be nice with, girls he would eventually have and the one that he would eventually tie his life to. Not that Thor finds that particular option very appealing. It's kind of stupid, really. Why would anyone want to do that, it's beyond him. Girls are annoying, weak and completely useless. What is he to do with one that cannot even wrestle or wield a spear properly?
Sometimes the grown ups just don't make any sense.
It is more than clear however, that Thor was not supposed to do that. Loki is his brother and brothers are not supposed to do such things. It is unheard of, forbidden. Thor is not quite certain why. He just knows it is. Which is the other problem here, no smaller than the previous one.
But he really does love his brother, would choose him over any girl in court. Loki is his closest friend, shaping up to be skilled with blades and never running out of tales to be whispered under the covers when they should both be asleep. Loki keeps secrets better than the mossy rocks by the riverside. Loki climbs trees like a squirrel and always shares whatever stolen fruits with Thor. Loki gets him in trouble nine times out of ten and Thor always forgives him because Loki also pulls them both out of it more often than not.
There is a knock on his door, pulling him out of his thoughts. For a moment Thor's heart jumps into his throat, imagining it's the guards, his father. But the door cracks open and it's only Loki, slipping inside quietly and shutting it behind himself.
Thor releases a breath he didn't realise he was holding and suddenly feels even worse than before. "Loki, why-- you shouldn't be here."
"Am I not allowed to visit my brother now?" Loki shoots back flippantly, but there is that something in his eyes that is somehow knowing and uncertain all at once.
"Of course, I didn't mean it like that, I just..." Thor sighs. Loki takes a seat on his bed and pats the cover for Thor to join him. Which he does, albeit a little tentatively. Sometimes, Thor would give his weapon wielding arm to know what his brother is thinking, and this time is no different. "Loki, I--"
"You seem distressed, brother. What gives?"
"Don't play games with me. You know it very well yourself," Thor snaps, feeling sorry for it the next moment. Loki, on the other hand, seems perfectly undisturbed.
"Do I?" He leans close, moment's pause as he glances up before pressing their lips together.
For a moment, Thor feels frozen, torn before he jerks back, pushing his brother away from him. His lips keep tingling regardless, and he licks them nervously. "Don't."
"Why not? You wanted it..." Loki gazes at him with searching eyes, even though his words are not a question. Thor wishes the ground would swallow him whole.
"It was a mistake, Loki, I was so wrong and I'm really so--"
"Why?" Such a simple question. Such a farce. Surely, his brother doesn't expect him to answer that one. Except, Loki obviously does.
"You are my brother." Thor manages, even though his throat feels so tight all of a sudden.
"Yes," Loki says simply, keeps his eyes on Thor.
"Brothers don't do such things."
"Fandral says those things happen when two people love each other very much. You are my brother, and I love you more than anyone."
"Loki that's-- What do you mean you... you told him?" Thor feels panic rise inside, and Loki makes a face like Thor just held something disgusting before his face.
"Of course not! I merely posed a theoretical question."
"Loki," Thor groans.
"What are you fussing about so. Considering the amount of conquests your friend has under his belt, he surely knows his way around the maidens."
"You are no maiden, Loki." Thor points out with desperate eagerness.
"Well, I was obviously good enough for one when you needed to save someone from a dragon." Loki huffs, tone so cutting Thor regrets ever opening his mouth.
"That was just a game, and--"
"I wanted to be the dragon." Loki pouts and Thor feels the ground sipping from under his feet. Even though he is sitting.
"The one time we let you be the dragon you set fire to the winter garden."
"It was an accident." Loki dismisses the remark casually.
"And so was this little incident." Thor tries to sound more authoritative than he feels. Then again, when did that ever work on Loki. "I would prefer not to talk about it anymore."
"I want to do it again."
"So-- What? Thor has to fight not to choke on his own spit.
"You heard me." Loki shoots him an annoyed sort of glance, imperious little bastard that he sometimes is.
"That's absolutely out of the question." Thor feels close to losing his mind.
"But why, Thor?" Loki snaps, but the next moment he is back to pursing his lips and flashing those huge, hurt green eyes at his brother. "Do you not love me better than others?"
"Gods, Loki. You know I do, it's not that... But we can't, because... because you are too young and, and--"
"I'll grow." Loki declares with confidence, and Thor would laugh in any other situation.
"Look, let's make a deal." Now this is something more of Loki's territory, but Thor hopes he can pull his own weight this time. Maybe. Hopefully. "What happened should be kept a secret. Nobody shall know about it, just you and me. And once you have grown enough, I'll be here for you. Alright?"
Loki will forget. He will grow out of this and find himself girls to have and one to marry. And if he ever remembers, he will just laugh at it like a foolish anecdote from their childhood. At least that is what Thor tells himself, and for some reason it makes him want to break things.
"Sounds fair. Will you keep it?" Loki looks at him suspiciously, and Thor has to fight the urge to swallow hard.
"I give you my word."