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The Trial Of UU

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turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering tentacleTherapist [TT]

TG: lalonde
TG: i know im not the only one thinking it
TG: tell me youre seeing this

TT: As always, your inclination towards specificity allows absolutely no room for ambiguity. I applaud you on your mastery of clear and logical communication.
TG: dont fuck around lalonde
TG: you know what im talking about
TG: her

TT: Although such a pronoun is applicable to a large proportion of the existent population, I believe I can grasp the female entity to whom you refer so obliquely.
TG: and
TG: come on lalonde are you with me on this or not

TT: My emotions regarding this matter are somewhat conflicted.
TG: so do your seer voodoo shit and tell me im wrong
TT: It doesn’t precisely work in so simple a manner.
TG: dont back out on me lalonde
TG: everyone else is too busy flipping their shit over this stupid planet to work out whats going on
TG: we need to work this out fast
TG: we dont know how long we have
TG: just give me a simple yes or no

TT: You misunderstand me. I have already consulted the timelines on this matter.
TG: and
TG: youre killing me here
TG: look im fucking bleeding
TG: ill never get the stain out of these pyjamas
TG: oh wait you cant even see it never mind

TT: The threads of good fortune are not so simple.
TG: for once in your fucking life talk straight with me
TG: do we do it y/n

TT: Maybe.
TG: ...
TT: I am afraid the possibilities are too complex.
TT: There are an infinite number of ways in which your plan could succeed, and infinitely more in which it would be our downfall.

TG: ...
TT: There is no simple yes or no answer. Even if we do not act, the future is entirely uncertain, and our ultimate victory or failure is far from decided.
TG: ...
TT: Dave?
TG: which infinity is bigger
TG: dont lie to me
TG: i know you know
TG: if we do it do we raise our chances of making it

carcinoGeneticist [CG] has invited tentacleTherapist [TT] to join the memo ACTUALLY DOING SOMETHING ABOUT THIS MESS on board skaiastuck!
carcinoGeneticist [CG] has invited turntechGodhead [TT] to join the memo ACTUALLY DOING SOMETHING ABOUT THIS MESS on board skaiastuck!

TG: what the fuck does vantas want
TG: lalonde dont you dare

tentacleTherapist [TT] is now an idle chum!

TG: shit

 

CURRENT carcinoGeneticist [CCG] RIGHT NOW opened memo ACTUALLY DOING SOMETHING ABOUT THIS MESS on board skaiastuck!

CCG: WELCOME TO THE NEW BOARD.
CCG: ALSO KNOWN AS THE REASON WHY EGDERP IS NEVER ALLOWED TO NAME ANYTHING EVER.
FUTURE ectoBiologist [FEB] 3:14 HOURS FROM NOW responded to memo.
FEB: i think its an awesome name!
CCG banned FEB from responding to memo.
CCG: WE ARE NOT PLAYING THE TIME GAME IN THIS MEMO. IF YOU’RE SO MUCH AS A MINUTE AHEAD YOU ARE GETTING INSTABANNED.
CCG: THIS MEMO IS FOR ACTUALLY FOCUSSING AND DEALING WITH THE MATTER AT HAND.
CURRENT gardenGnostic [CGG] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.
CGG: stop yelling and tell us what it is then!!!
CCG: SEE, THAT IS THE KIND OF HELPFUL INPUT I AM TALKING ABOUT.
CCG: THANK YOU, HARLEY.
CGG: focus, fuckass! :)
CCG: THE MATTER I AM REFERRING TO SHOULD BE PATENTLY OBVIOUS.
CCG: WE ARE TRAPPED ON THIS GAME’S SKAIA WITH NO WAY OFF AND NO WAY OF CONTACTING THIS SESSION’S PLAYERS, TRAPPED AND POWERLESS WHILE AN OMNIPOTENT INTERSESSION STOWAWAY LEADS THEM MERRILY TO THEIR DOOM.
CCG: IS THAT A CONCISE ENOUGH SUMMARY FOR EVERYONE? DO WE GRASP THE SERIOUSNESS OF THE SITUATION?
CCG: I WOULD HAVE THOUGHT I DIDN’T EVEN NEED TO ASK THAT QUESTION, BUT APPARENTLY CERTAIN MEMBERS OF THE PARTY ARE MORE CONCERNED WITH TASTING THE COLOUR OF THE PLANTLIFE.
CURRENT gallowsCalibrator [CGC] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.
CGC: HOW 3LS3 DO YOU 3XP3CT M3 TO F4M1L14R1S3 MYS3LF W1TH OUR N3W AND D3L1C1OUS 3NV1RONM3NT?
CURRENT terminallyCapricious [CTC] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.
CTC: CHILL, PALEBRO.
CTC: just let blindsis be all up and doing her worldtastings.
CTC: SHE’S HERE NOW.
CTC: so go ahead and empty your motherfucking thinkpan. :o)
CCG: OKAY TEREZI GETS A PASS ON THAT ONE, BUT DON’T ACT LIKE WE DON’T KNOW WHAT LALONDE AND MARYAM ARE DOING.
CURRENT grimAuxiliatrix [CGA] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.
CGA: I Am Currently Engaged With Responding To This Memo
CGA: Although I Admit Your Implication Could Be Considered Just
CURRENT tentacleTherapist [CTT] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.
CTT: I am also present, and would suggest in the interests of efficiency that any undeclared readers declare themselves similarly.
CURRENT ectoBiologist [CEB] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.
CEB: i’m here!
CURRENT turntechGodhead [CTG] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.
CTG: sup
CTT: I believe that is a full complement. Shall we return to the purpose for which you have summoned us?
CCG: OKAY, EVERYONE SHUT UP AND LET ME TYPE.
CTG: real inspiring stuff here vantas
CCG: BE QUIET, NOOKWIPE. IT’S A LOT TO FUCKING TYPE. THOSE OF US WHO BOTHER WITH ACTUAL SUBSTANCE CAN’T COMPOSE AN INSTANT RETORT JUST BY SMASHING OUR UGLY GLASSES ONTO THE KEYBOARD.
CCG: HAVING COMPLETELY AND UTTERLY FUCKED UP OUR CHANCES AT THIS GAME TWICE OVER, SOME BRILLIANT INTELLECT DECIDED OUR BEST CHANCE WAS TO RUN AWAY WITH OUR TAILS BETWEEN OUR LEGS AND BRING OUR UNBEATABLE BOSS WITH US.
CCG: AFTER WHAT I HAVE BEEN REPEATEDLY ASSURED WAS ONLY A SWEEP AND A HALF STRANDED ON AN ASTEROID WITH FIVE LUNATICS, WE ARRIVED BEFORE THIS GAME EVEN STARTED AND OUR FIRST ACTION IN THE NEW SESSION WAS TO CRASH LAND ONTO SKAIA AND WRECK ALL OF OUR SUPPLIES.
CCG: WE ARE TRAPPED HERE FOR THE FORSEEABLE FUTURE THANKS TO THE REINCARNATION OF OUR BELOVED FUCKING EMPRESS, WHO APPARENTLY BAILED ON HER DEAD SESSION TO FUCK OVER THESE HEROES WITH CRAZY LIES AND AN EVIL EMPIRE OF TECHNOLOGY AND BAKED GOODS.
CCG: SHE IS A FULLY ASCENDED QUEEN OF DOOM WITH THE WHOLE OF DERSE BACKING HER UP AND TOTAL CONTROL OVER THE CHAT CLIENT LINK TO THE NEW PLAYERS.
CCG: THAT PUTS US UP ONE UNBEATABLE BOSS AND THERE’S A SECOND ARRIVING ANY MOMENT.
CCG: IS THERE ANYTHING I FORGOT???
CTG: he could already be here
CTG: its not like were constrained to a linear sequence i mean what the fuck kind of session do you take this for
CCG: I AM IGNORING THAT POSSIBILITY FOR THE EXTREMELY OBVIOUS REASON THAT WE ARE NOT ALL DEAD.
CCG: THEREFORE BEC NOIR IS NOT YET PRESENT.
CGA: Unless He Has Decided To Join Forces With This Uranian Umbra
CEB: i can’t believe we have to fight the batterwitch!
CTG: are we all done on the topic of shit everyone already knew
CCG: OBVIOUSLY, WE NOW NEED TO DECIDE ON A PLAN OF ACTION. HOW ARE WE GOING TO TAKE HER OUT?
CGA: You Intend For Us To Kill Her
CTC: well that’s just the best idea i’ve heard
CTC: ALL MOTHERFUCKING DAY.
CGC: B3 R34SON4BL3!
CGA: Precisely
CGC: B3FOR3 S3NT3NC1NG 4 TR14L MUST B3 H3LD.
CGC: YOU H4V3 NOT FORM4LLY PR3S3NT3D TH3 CH4RG3S!
CGA: Ah
CCG: I ACCUSE THE DEFENDANT OF BEING A CRAZY BITCH WHO’S TRYING TO KILL US AND EVERYONE IN THIS SESSION. WHAT MORE DO YOU FUCKING NEED?
CGA: Karkat It Is Not That Simple
CGA: She Is A Sentient Being And Deserves Our Compassion
CGA: We Have No Proof That Her Motives Are Suspicious
CCG: I CAN’T BELIEVE I’M EVEN HAVING TO HAVE THIS ARGUMENT.
CCG: HER IMPERIAL FUCKING CONDESCENSION. DOES THAT NAME MEAN ANYTHING TO YOU???
CGA: This Girl Was Never An Empress
CGA: I Understand The Alternia On Which She Lived Was Quite Unlike Our Own
CCG: IT’S NOT THE PLANET I WAS CONCERNED WITH.
CTC: if this crockster is all up and concerning my best bro
CTC: I’LL TAKE HER OUT MYSELF
CTC: don’t you worry :o)
CCG: GAMZEE, IF YOU SO MUCH AS THINK ABOUT DOING SOMETHING STUPID WHILE I’M TRYING TO HAVE A REASONABLE DISCUSSION ABOUT THIS, SO HELP ME I WILL PAP YOU SO HARD THAT THE ETERNAL RAGE OF THE HORRORTERRORS WILL BE MOMENTARILY SOOTHED.
CTC: no worries karbro, i’m listening.
CTC: I’M JUST SAYING
CTC: if this uu sis has a problem with you
CTC: I HAVE A PROBLEM WITH HER.
CGA: I Am Certain Your Loyalty Is Understood
CGA: But The Fact Remains We Are Discussing The Murder Of One Fifth Of Our Species Remaining Population
CGA: Although I Realise Our Reproductive Doom Is Most Likely Already Sealed
CGA: This Concerns Me
CGC: TH3R3 1S L1TTL3 PROOF OF GU1LT.
CCG: WHAT HAPPENED TO GUILTY UNTIL PROVEN INNOCENT.
CGC: 1 H4V3 B33N 1NV3ST1G4T1NG MULT1CULTUR4L L4W 4ND MY F1ND1NGS 4R3 F4SC1N4T1NG.
CGC: TH4T 4ND OUR CURR3NT S1TU4T1ON M4Y W4RR4NT 4 ST4Y OF EXC3CUT1ON.
CCG: I CAN’T BELIEVE I’M READING THIS.
CGA: The Fact Remains That We Have No Indication Of Direct Malevolent Intent
CGA: Although Her Actions Towards The Humans Are Admittedly Suspicious
CGA: All Negative Impacts On Our Own Goals May Yet Prove Coincidental
CCG: AM I THE ONLY ONE HERE TO HAVE PICKED UP A NEWSPAPER???
CGA: Prospitan Propaganda Is Hardly To Be Considered A Reliable Source On Influential Dersites
CCG: SPEAKING OF DERSITES, ANY TIME A HUMAN WANTS TO JUMP IN HERE AND ATTEMPT TO CAUSE EVEN GREATER AMOUNTS OF STUPIDITY, THEY CAN FEEL FREE TO REMAIN SILENT.
FEB unbanned himself from the memo.
FEB: present me and jade are busy! we’ll be back soon!
FEB banned himself from the memo.
CCG: EGBERT, YOU ONCE AGAIN FAIL TO OCCUPY THE SAME MULTIVERSE AS AN UNDERSTANDING OF WHAT ANYONE CARES ABOUT YOU SAYING.
CCG: COME ON, I KNOW BETTER THAN TO HOPE LALONDE AND STRIDER HAVE NOTHING TO SAY ABOUT ALL THIS. GET IT OVER WITH NOW SO WE CAN KEEP THE IRRELEVANT BULLSHIT IN ONE PLACE.
CTG: theres no point to any of this lalonde and you know it
CTG: just come out with it already
CTG: take a deep breath look your combined parents in the eye and inform them it and you are in love no matter what they say
CTG: they might not approve but you wont deny it any longer
CTG: you and what you know are lesbians
CCG: LALONDE, TELL ME THAT I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD STRIDER’S GARBLED MESS AND YOU DO NOT HAVE A SOLUTION WHICH WE COULD HAVE BEEN PROVIDED WITH HALF AN HOUR AGO.
CTT: Unfortunately, any such profession would be at best a half truth.
CTT: As my dearest brother has so colourfully suggested, I have forseen the possible outcomes of this decision, and I must reluctantly admit, despite my personal objections, that this session will be easier won if we act now.
CTC: WELL
CTC: isn’t that just
CTC: MOTHERFUCKING
CTC: chill.
CTT: Although I hasten to add that to abstain would be far less morally dubious, and would nevertheless preserve a respectable modicum of probability in our favour.
CGA: Rose
CCG: HOW RESPECTABLE.
CTT: To hazard forth meaningless figures would imply a far greater degree of accuracy than I could in good conscience attest to. Needless to say, this session will be no less challenging than those we have faced in the past.
CTT: The introduction of several transuniversal travellers has resulted in a high degree of uncertainty, and the interactions between parties remain partially undetermined.
CTT: Were Bec and UU to join forces, their opposition would be nigh insurmountable, yet there also exist possibilities in which one or both eradicate the other with minimal player effort.
CTT: To remove UU from play now would damage dersite power structures as the game is barely beginning, but risks toppling a carefully constructed sequence of plans which, in time, could equally serve to aid or hinder our final goals.
CTT: I would greatly appreciate it if some reaction were provided to alleviate this inexplicable urge towards babble.
CGA: 0_0
CTT: As always Kanaya, you possess my eternal gratitude.
CTG: so we do it
CTG: if it raises our chances of living through this what choice do we have
CTG: i mean im guessing they arent high to begin with
CTG: this game kills us like egbert ruins movie nights and last time i checked were fresh out of dream selves and quest beds
CEB: i can’t believe i left to help jade for a minute and you’re seriously talking about killing someone!
CEB: the batterwitch might be evil, but she isn’t some game construct. killing her is murder.
CGG: you cant kill her!!!!!
CGA: Are You Alright Jade
CGA: In My Experience Excessive Shout Poles Are Rarely A Positive Sign
CGG: dont kill her or else!
CEB: relax, jade! take a deep breath and type it out.
CGG: i cant do it! :(
CEB: you can, you just need to relax.
CTT: Although your distress is obvious, I must confess I see no clear reason for it, short of a particularly nearsighted brand of moral absolutism.
CGG: bad things will happen!
CEB: she’s having sprite information. she knows something, but she feels like she has to be vague.
CEB: except she can do it!
CGG: bad ominous things will occur!
CCG: IF HARLEY IS DONE BEING SUPREMELY SPECIFIC AND USEFUL, COULD WE RETURN TO THE PRESSING MORAL DILEMMA OUR LIVES ALL DEPEND ON?
CGG: give me a minute fuckass!! im trying to tell you that killing uu will destroy her universe!
CGG: oh! :)
CEB: i told you you’d manage it, jade!
CTG: wait
CTG: i thought her world was already dead as earth mark 1
CTG: were talking prime dodo impression here
CGG: it is! but earth isnt quite dead either!
CGG: if we win this game we will have the chance to bring back humanity in the new universe! :)
CGG: the trolls will have the same chance to resurrect alternia!
CGG: but if we kill uu before that point then the chance to bring back the trolls she once knew will be lost forever.
CGG: killing her would be murdering a whole civilisation! :(
CCG: THIS GAME IS GOING TO BRING BACK ALTERNIA.
CGG: the trolls who lived there at least! :)
CCG: GET THOSE CURVE FACED IDIOTICONS OFF OF MY SCREEN AND EXPLAIN YOURSELF HARLEY. WHY ARE WE ONLY HEARING THIS NOW???
CEB: jade can’t help when the game tells her things! she told us as soon as she could!
CTT: I suppose we have long since been aware that the purpose of this game was to create a new universe.
CGG: we cant bring back everyone, but we get to bring back some people! isnt that great? :)
CCG: WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN SOME PEOPLE???
CGA: Sorry Jade But This News Is Rather Startling
CGA: Do You Mean To Imply That We Will Be Able To Resurrect Our Fallen Coplayers
CGG: well...
CGG: normally they would be the first to come back!
CGG: but this session is hardly normal.
CGG: the mechanics of recovering a player’s civilisation should work the same even if they move between sessions!
CGG: but i dont know if the player save files made the trip uncorrupted. :(
CCG: I CAN’T FUCKING BELIEVE THIS.
CCG: EVEN IF WE MANAGE TO WIN THIS FUCKING IMPOSSIBLE GAME, WE’RE GOING TO BE STUCK WITH A PLANETFUL OF BLOODIST NOOKSNIFFERS AND OUR FRIENDS DEAD FOR GOOD.
CGC: K4RK4T TH4T 1S ONLY 4 POSS1B1L1TY. W3 H4V3 TO HOP3 TH4T J4D3 1S WRONG.
CEB: i’m sure there’s something we can do to fix it!
CGG: thats what i have been trying to tell you!!!
CGG: you cant kill uu!
CTT: If I have understood Jade’s implication correctly, you must recall that UU originates from a universe related to yours via a Scratch, just as our original session related to this one.
CTT: As we have seen, alternate versions of ourselves exist within this universe as guardians to the future players of the game, who are themselves variations on those who raised us.
CTT: Through extrapolation, UU’s universe likely contained alternate versions of all the players in your session, relegated to supporting roles. These versions can undoubtedly be resurrected based only on UU’s survival at the completion of this session, regardless of possible data corruption resulting from our journey here.
CGG: exactly! :)
CGA: Oh My
CTC: well isn’t that the motherfucking bitchtits. :o)
CEB: that’s great! i can’t believe i’ll finally get to meet the rest of you guys!
CCG: I SEE.
CGG: you dont sound very happy!
CCG: WHAT EXACTLY DO YOU MEAN BY THE WORD ALTERNATE.
CGA: I Trust They Will Be Essentially The Same Trolls We Knew
CGG: yes, exactly!
CGG: but they will have lived in a different world.
CTT: My observations of this session suggest it is unlikely they will be familiar with one another, almost certainly not as a group unit.
CGC: 1 SUPPOS3 TH3Y W1LL NOT SH4R3 OUR M3MOR13S OF PL4Y1NG TH3 G4M3.
CTG: see its like alternate timelines
CTG: same you different situation
CTG: youre not going to get the same person but another dave it still a pretty chill guy
CCG: I THINK I UNDERSTAND.
CGG: so you see why we cant kill uu!
CEB: even if she’s evil we can’t punish all the trolls she used to know.
CGG: especially when some of them are your friends!
CCG: OBVIOUSLY. WE DON’T EVEN NEED TO DISCUSS THIS ANY MORE.
CCG closed memo.

 

turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG]

TG: so can we make this happen without harley
CG: I WISH WE DIDN’T HAVE TO, BUT IT LOOKS LIKE SHE ISN’T GIVING US A CHOICE.
CG: COUNT HER AND EGBERT OUT. I GIVE TEREZI A DAY.

TG: might hold out two if johns been showing her human law and order again
TG: lalonde will talk maryam around by the end of the week

CG: SO WE CALL IT FIVE DAYS.
TG: you sure youre still up for this
TG: if not back out now where it wont get anyone killed
TG: low blow back there with the parallel yous

CG: RELAX FUCKFACE. I’M NOT GOING TO FLIP MY SHIT OVER SOME IDIOTS IN A DOOMED TIMELINE WHO DON’T EVEN KNOW ME.
CG: WE DO WHATEVER IT TAKES TO WIN THIS WITHOUT ANY MORE OF US DYING.

TG: no need to tell me that babe
TG: up for a practise strife
TG: this is going to be a fight and a half and i dont want you collapsing halfway through cause youre out of shape

CG: FUCK YOU.
CG: I’LL BE THERE IN TEN MINUTES.
CG: <3<

carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling turntechGodhead [TG]

TG: <3<