Fury sighed, worrying the patch of skin above his eyebrow with his fingers. His beady eye glanced over the six guilty figures slumped before him at their meeting room at S.H.I.E.L.D. HQ; all of whom were looking anywhere but his gaze.
“Okay, children. I’m not gonna waste my time giving you the “I’m disappointed in you” speech. Cut the shit. I wanna hear the story behind this. From the top.”
Tony held up his hands. “Hey, just because it involved illegal substances doesn’t mean you have to glare on over at me-”
“He’s not glaring, that’s just how his face goes.”
“Thank you, Mister Barton. Since you have so kindly volunteered, why don’t you start?” The sadistic smile plastered on Fury’s face was downright terrifying.
“Oh no, no no no - it was all Steve and Tony, I swear-”
“Hey, whaddya mean it was all us? You seem to be forgetting-”
“Yeah but if you hadn’t-”
“HEY! IF ONE MORE WORD COMES OUT OF ANY OF YOUR MOUTHS THAT ISN’T AN EXPLANATION, THEN YOU’RE ALL ON MUNDANE CIVIL CASES FOR THE REST OF THE YEAR, IN ADDITION TO YOUR ACTUAL PUNISHMENT. IS. THAT. CLEAR?” The bickering cut out at once, both Tony and Clint looking at their shoes like naughty children.
Thor cleared his throat. “I shale tell this tale, then. It was a sunny day, during the summer solstice on the beautiful planet of Midgard-”
“We don’t have time for this. Tony, tell the story.” Fury growled.
Tony crossed his arms and positively pouted . “Fine. But I want no interruptions .”
“Gee, what a workout - that new punching bag of yours is incredible , Tony!” Steve was slightly out of breath as he clapped Tony on the back, the ever-bright smile present on his face.
Tony whimpered as Steve hit a particularly sore bruise he’d obtained during their sparring session earlier. “Thanks, glad it can withstand that ol’ super strength of yours.” He grumbled unenthusiastically, rubbing his neck.
Tony was wrecked; Steve had somehow gotten the idea that it wasn’t right for Tony to be an Avenger if he wasn’t in shape - Tony, think about it, what happens if the suit malfunctions during battle, you need to be able to protect yourself - but Tony would’ve much rathered to stay in the workshop on their day off.
After many hours of Tony silently begging for death to come, Steve decided it was time to call it a day. The two walked up the stairs, Tony with great difficulty; Steve yapped about strategies and tactics with Tony only half listening to him. They were on their way up to shower - Tony hoped that shower would be together , but he had a feeling that Steve would never do that until Tony bought him dinner first - when they smelled a delicious waft of chocolate emanating from the kitchen.
Tony pulled Steve by the hand into the kitchen, ignoring his protests, his stomach suddenly rumbling.
“Tony, no, I told you, you need a shower so your muscles can relax. You can eat after.” Steve even gave him the I-lead-the-Avengers-and-what-I-say-goes look.
“But brownies .” Tony whined, pointing at the 2/3 full tray sitting on the countertop beside the oven.
Tony pulled his arm out of Steve’s grip and went over to the brownies, sniffing them and moaning softly. Steve was about to protest when his stomach gave a particularly loud grumble; loud enough for Tony to hear. He looked up at Steve, smiling. “Now you can’t even argue. Come on,” he said, digging in to the tray and grabbing a brownie with his hand. “Mmm, they’re still warm too.”
“Oh, fine.” Steve sighed, grabbing a brownie and leaning against the counter beside Tony. “I’m sure we deserve a treat after that workout.”
“Mmmmph.” Tony agreed, chewing thoughtfully. He swallowed. “Do these brownies taste funny to you?”
Steve shrugged. “Don’t think so. Want another?”
“Oh. My. God.”
Tony and Steve looked up from where they were slumped together on the floor, giggling. Clint was standing in the doorway, hair mussed and eyes wild. His mouth was slightly agape as he fumbled over his words. “Where are my- did you guys eat the- oh god. Oh god .” Clint threaded his hands through his hair. “Bruce is gonna kill me.”
“Chill babydoll.” Tony smiled. “Just come sit on the floor, it’s so grrrrrrrrrreat.”
Steve laughed. “He’s right, you should try it Clint.”
Clint ran over to the pair and knelt down in front of them, his eyes panicked. “Oh fuck, shit , how many did you guys eat?”
“Three?” Tony looked doubtful.
“Eight! I won!” Steve cried triumphantly. Clint groaned. Looks like even the serum couldn’t keep eight of his brownies from effecting Steve.
“Okay.” Clint breathed, trying to calm himself. “Please tell me you’re the only ones who ate the brownies.”
“Yes.” Clint sighed in relief. “Well, we gave Thor and ‘Tasha and Coulson some too-”
“If I could just interrupt here-”
“Hey!” Tony warned. “I said no interruptions.”
“Shut it Stark. Barton, I think you have some explaining to do.” Fury glared across the room to where Clint was trying to blend in with a potted plant. Clint said nothing. “Barton, need I remind you that marijuana is against S.H.I.E.L.D. rules, as is drugging your fellow teammates and an agent. Oh, and missing out on jobs is kind of frowned upon too. If you don’t want to be kicked out, then I suggest you start talking. Now.”
“You know what? No. Screw this. I shouldn’t be getting into trouble for this - I was just being a good boyfriend. Bruce was feeling a little.. temperamental lately, and I thought it would be nice to give him a little somethin’ to chill a little. Just because I didn’t want him to hulk out and wreck the mansion or anything - so yeah, I was being considerate. I was. Just because Tony and Steve couldn’t resist eatin’ what wasn’t theirs-”
“Whoa, princess, calm down!” Tony was laughing as Clint’s sudden outburst. “Nobody’s doubting your, er, boyfriend skills, buddy. But when it comes down to it, Steve and I can’t be held entirely responsible...”
Fury sensed Clint’s inevitable retort, so he cut them both off before he would have to listen to the pair act like children again.“So it was accidental?”
Clint looked up. “Completely.”
“Well, I should let you know that there will be serious repercussions, but until we decide what those will be, I think we’re done he-”
“Whoa whoa whoa whoa .” Tony waved his hand dramatically. “That’s not even the best bit! C’mon Fury, we knew you were dull but aren’t you even the least bit curious as to how Coulson ended up floatin’ in the pool thinking he was a star?”
Fury’s looked at Tony with complete and utter distaste. “Mister Stark, I don’t think that’s a story I ever want to hear.” Fury gathered up the papers which lay before him. “I’d love to stay and hear the happily ever after of this story, but frankly I do not care. I have a lot of paperwork to do, and I wish to make it home for dinner tonight.” And with a swoosh of his black cape, he was gone.
“Well that could’ve gone worse, even if I do say so myself.” Steve mumbled quietly, the blush on his cheeks starting to die down. Tony could tell that he’d probably never been caught doing something illegal before; Tony, on the other hand, had enough experience for both of them.
“I agree!” Thor boomed, looking far too cheery for the situation at hand.
Natasha snapped. “Oh for God’s sake, we’re all in trouble because of you idiots. I hope you’re happy.”
Tony smirked. “Darling, you’re just angry because we saw you cry. We now have proof that you’re not a robot!”
“I did not cry !” She exclaimed, crossing her arms and pouting.
“She totally cried.” Clint laughed.
“So wait a minute,” Bruce piped up from where he was seated in the corner, “how did Coulson end up in the pool? I don’t know about anything after I took Clint away to stop him from having a panic attack...”
Tony grinned. “Yeah, good plan of yours that was - blowjobs always stop me from having panic attacks.” He winked at the pair, whose faces were slowly turning scarlet. Clint threw a pen at Tony’s head, who caught it easily.
“Easy for you to say, Stark. The whole house heard you and Steve upstairs - giving him dance lessons , was it not?” Clint retorted sourly.
“Can I just point out that it is my house -”
“Brethren! I do believe Bruce wants to hear the rest of the jocular tale.” Thor seemed enthusiastic to hear the story again - even though he was there and probably accounted for half of the shenanigans that happened; he had even tried to climb up on the rafters at one point, yelling upward at the ceiling to something called a Heimdall.
“Okay, so where were we?” Tony stroked his goatee in thought. “Ah, yes. The brownies were well and truly in full swing, and I do believe I was trying to teach Steve how to dance....”
“No buddy, nonono, ‘s like this...” Tony made a sloppy motion with his hands, prompting Steve to copy him. They were both sitting on the floor with their legs at awkward angles around the open bags of cheetos and packets of sliced ham surrounding them. “Yeah, that’s kinda it... Okay yeah close enough. Hey Jarvis, turn it up!”
The music volume boosted up a few notches, which didn’t quite cover Thor’s triumphant yell followed by a deafening crash. Tony waved it off, waiting for the music to hit the chorus.
“I SAID A HEY, HAH, AHEY, AHEBIDABNOYIHAAAAABIINDSG;LKJFGHBI!” Tony didn’t know the words, but he still sang passionately as he danced as best he could, given the fact he was sprawled across the floor and his arms felt like they were made of custard.
Steve just clutched his stomach with sobs of laughter as Tony tried to complete his dance, forgetting the moves halfway through and deciding to take a nap on Steve’s thighs.
“Mmmph, you’re comfy.” Tony decided this would be a good time to start purring like a cat, Steve stroking his hair thoughtfully.
“Tony, do you think the others are okay?”
Tony sat up and looked around the room; Natasha was quietly sobbing something about calories into an extra large carton of double chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream, Thor was staring at the giant white flames which he seemed to have created in the middle of the floor with an astonished expression on his face, Clint and Bruce were next door making some serious happy noises and Coulson was sitting in the corner talking to a rabbit about Supernanny.
“Hey, where did that rabbit come from? Where did the fire come from? Holy shit, whoa, dude, is Natasha actually crying ?”
Steve blinked slowly. “Maybe we should, I don’t know, do something.”
Tony snuggled under Steve’s arm, placing it around his shoulders. “Mph, no, stay here. Let’s go back to that time where I was a kitty. Meow.” Tony brushed his nose against Steve’s like an Eskimo kiss, giggling. “That tickles.” Steve smiled sleepily, pushing Tony’s hair out of the way. Tony stared into Steve’s blue eyes, mouth slightly agape. “Whoa, your eyes are like.... really blue.” Steve didn’t reply; he just pressed his mouth softly against Tony’s.
Being that cat that he was at the moment, Tony purred and licked Steve’s lip. They broke apart with a soft giggle.
Tony nuzzled into Steve’s warm jaw. “You smell like brownie... and sweat... and sunshine-”
“Sunshine doesn’t smell like anything, Tony.”
“Mmmm, you do though, it’s the truth...” Tony sat bolt upright, letting Steve’s arm fall to the floor. “WE SHOULD PLAY TRUTH OR DARE! NO WAIT, JUST DARES. DARES, DARES ARE GOOD!”
“Okay okay, no wait, wait I got it - I dare you to like, jump off the shed and into the pool!” Tony said with glee, clapping his hands together in triumph - which resulted in him becoming fascinated with his own hands.
Coulson judged the distance from the shed which stored the pool filter to the pool, before turning back around to face them. “I don’t see why not.”
“It’s better than being tasered, this is certain!” Thor grumbled, rubbing the back of his neck.
Coulson shook off his suit jacket, tie, and shoes. He padded across to the shed in - whaddya know - mismatched neon patterned socks. It took him a few tries to climb up on the shed, but the others cheered him on until he hauled himself up.
Tony sat down on the grass, licking his paw. Steve ruffled his hair again experimentally; he liked the way Tony purred. Bruce and Clint stumbled out of the house, either the drugs or the orgasms making them dizzy.
“What’s going on?” Bruce asked, ignoring Tony’s catlike state and looking straight at Coulson, who was about to leap off a shed.
“It’s a dare.” Steve replied, suddenly losing interest in anything but the way Tony was licking at his hand.
With a mighty scream, Coulson launched himself into the pool. The group watched with mild interest to see if he would resurface.
“Maybe he’s dead.” Steve wondered aloud.
“No wait... I see bubbles.” Clint noted.
Coulson burst to the surface, panting, before leaning back into a dead man’s float. “Whoaaaa... I’m like, a star , you know? Like, I jumped, and I was a shooting star , but now I’m just a star...”
“A star.” Bruce repeated sleepily, lying spread eagle on the ground, arms and legs splayed. Thor and Natasha joined him, and they all laughed at the fact that they were indeed stars.
Coulson’s phone rang from his jacket, and once Clint had managed to locate the source of the strange noise, he answered it.
“Hello, Buddy the Elf, what’s your favourite colour?”
“Coul- What?! Clint, is that you? We have a situation down on 5th avenue, Modok’s-” Fury was cut off Clint making a noise of digust.
“Ugghh, Modok, no thank you - he just gives me the creeps you know? He just looks like a fat potato baby with legs...”
Fury’s voice sounded strained. “Barton, I don’t know what you think you’re playing at, but I need you to assemble the Avengers and get down here, now! And bring Coulson!”
Clint picked the grass beside his legs unconciously, thinking. He glanced around at the others. “Yeah, we’re uh, pretty comfy down here. Maybe some other time.” Clint hung up the phone, cutting off Fury’s incoherent screaming.
Clint tossed the phone in the grass and crawled over next to Bruce, laying across his stomach and proclaiming that he was going for a nap.
Thor had begun to sing a slow lament, something that sounded old and Asgardian. Tony looked up at Steve, who was still rubbing his hair, but was tranfixed on something in the distance.
Steve snapped out of his trance and looked down at Tony. “Hmm?”
“Wanna come up to my room? I’ll show you how to dance...”
Steve definitely liked the way Tony purred.
“Okay, no, ew, I do not need to hear the rest of this story.” Natasha plugged her ears with disgust. “So first Clint and Bruce, and now you guys. Jeez, why is the whole world turning gay?!”
Tony laughed, his head shaking from where it lay against Steve’s torso; he had managed to manouver himself into that position during the story and Steve was rubbing his hair once again. Steve had realised that Tony really did enjoy getting his hair rubbed, so he tried to do it as much as possible, to the annoyance of Natasha.
“You know what,” Natasha stood up, holding up her hands. “I’m done. I did not sign up for this.”
Tony chuckled. “If this was in the contract, then I would’ve signed up sooner. I mean, it was one hell of a story, and I skimmed through the majority of it... Just tell me when you find a way to get glow paint out of pubic hair.”
Natasha stormed out of the room, babbling in Russian.
“She’s just jealous because she totally wanted me.”
“Keep dreaming, Tony.”