Oh, that time. Ben regrets that time - not in a weird gay panic way or anything, because he's a grown-ass man secure in his heterosexuality (grown-ass man, grown ass-man? Maybe this isn't a productive line of thought to follow) - but because April took it upon herself afterwards to sign Ben up for The Bulge's mailing list, and the Pawnee City Hall LGBTQ Planning Committee, and the listserv for updates on Pawnee's third annual Bisexual Picnic. Also Andy still gives him these looks sometimes, these raised-eyebrow dirty grins that probably count as subtle in Andyland. They're not subtle. Everyone notices them.
What Ben mostly regrets is going out on that date that night. It was a stupid date, the woman wasn't Leslie, and Ben was clearly not ready to be dating not-Leslie, seeing as he had to have three beers to just start to want to kiss not-Leslie. Unfortunately three beers turned into more beers, and ready-to-move-on-Ben turned into stupid drunk Ben, so stupid drunk Ben ended up in a cab, and then ended up at the door, and then ended up slouched against Andy's side as Andy said "whoa, dude," a lot and then guided him to sit on the couch. And Andy was warm, which was especially notable since Ben had kind of forgotten exactly where the house was and had the cab drop him off three blocks away and it was cold out, but anyway he was home now, and Andy was warm, and big, and Ben was maybe sort of hugging him.
"Oh my god, you are so wasted," April said. She sounded as close to pleased as she ever sounded, so: sort of malevolent. MarioKart was paused on the TV screen, and her controller was down. She was staring at Ben, and he didn't like it. He hid his face in Andy's shirt. "You're wasted and cuddly. This is great."
"He's a good cuddler!" Andy said. He squeezed Ben's shoulder. His shirt smelled like Ben's fabric softener. Ben chose to overlook the fact that he'd stolen some fabric softener in favor of respecting that Andy had finally learned about fabric softener.
"I'm glad someone thinks so," Ben said. It came out more petulant than he intended, especially considering it wasn't really his cuddling skills that had been lacking tonight. More his dealing with his problems like an adult skills.
"Wow, you're like really vulnerable right now," April said. She poked him in the leg, like she hoped a bruise would form instantly. Which was dumb, because he was wearing pants, so it's not like she could see. Also, ow. "Are you going to cry?"
"Probably if you keep poking me," Ben muttered.
"Don't poke him," Andy said. He rubbed Ben's shoulder, then moved his hand up and rubbed Ben's neck a little, comforting him. It felt great. Ben couldn't remember the last time someone had done something just to make him feel great.
"Whatever. You should just marry Ben," said April. "Look at you, you totally want to marry him. You want to divorce me and marry Ben, don't you?"
"No," Andy said, affronted. "I'm comforting him in his time of need. Ben needs me. He likes to cuddle," Andy said pointedly.
"Fine." April folded her arms. "You can just have sex with Ben, then. You can get him all hot and sweaty, I don't care."
"Ew, what?" said Ben. He tried to pull away, but Andy hung on.
"Maybe I will!" Andy said. "And you can watch! And then maybe you and Leslie could make out and I could watch! And it would be super hot! I don't know why I'm still yelling!"
"Well why don't you just make out with Ben right now!" April said.
Ben didn't even manage an "um" - it was really more like an "uh-" that got cut off by Andy kissing him. And since Ben's mouth was already open, really the word was more cut off by the sudden presence of Andy's tongue in his mouth, in a surprisingly non-intrusive way. It was probably that Ben was drunk and clingy that he went along with it, but also it just felt pretty nice, Andy's hands on his cheeks, Andy's body pressed up close, his teeth scraping over Ben's lower lip, his stubble rubbing against Ben's fingertips when Ben puts his hands automatically up to touch Andy's face. It felt really great, actually, so that Ben was a little disappointed when Andy pulled away, just for a second. Then the whole drunk/roommate/dude/married dude issue pushed its way into Ben's mind, and Ben sprang back, sort of embarrassingly intensely.
"Man, that was not okay!" Ben exclaimed. "Seriously!"
Andy looked injured. "I thought it was alright. What, am I bad at it?"
"Yeah, are you saying my husband's a bad kisser?" April demanded.
"What?" Ben asked. Now he felt guilty. Andy looked really sad. Jesus, Ben was so drunk, and now his mouth felt all hot and kissed. Why didn't he just drink moderately and then have meaningless sex with not-Leslie? "No, it was great! Very soft. Surprisingly gentle."
"Oh my god, you're gay," April said.
So, probably that's what Ben regrets, out of everything. Surprisingly gentle? Was that really the choice he made, description-wise?
Anyway, at least Ben's helping the Third Annual Pawnee Bisexual Picnic organizers get a permit to use the park (legally) this year, he's even joined the board. It's nice to feel helpful.