When we pulled into Argo Port in need of R&R
Our crew set out investigating every joint and bar
We had high expectations of their hospitality
But found, too late, it wasn’t geared to spacers such as we!
Our Captain’s tastes were simple, but his methods were complex
We found him with five partners, each of a different world and sex
The shore police were on the way, we had no second chance
We beamed him up in the nick of time and the remnants of his pants!
Flynn’s the first to wake up, and he’s never been happier.
The bed he’d rezzed up is obscenely huge, but still not quite huge enough — he can just make out Yori on the far right, one leg dangling off the edge, and he can’t feel Clu at his back anymore so Flynn’s pretty sure he’s on the floor. Alan’s half-buried between Lora and Tron and without his glasses it’d be almost impossible to tell the two of them apart, but for the circuits he can see pulsing softly along Tron’s body as he sleeps.
Yep, Flynn thinks with a grin as he leans over to drag poor Clu back up onto the bed with him. Best. Idea. Ever.
Our head nurse disappeared a while in a major dope bazaar
Buying an odd green potion guaranteed to cause Pon Farr
She came home with no uniform and an oddly cheerful heart
And a painful way of walking with her feet a yard apart.
It’s a busy night at the End of Line, and Zuse’s got his hands full, but when he sees the blonde Program making her way toward him he drops everything anyway. She’s one of his favorites, after all.
“Yori, my darling! It’s been cycles, what have you been up to?”
“Too much work, not enough play, if you know what I mean,“ Yori answers, a frustrated little twitch in the corner of her eye. “Which is, in fact, the reason I’m here.”
“Well we can’t have that, now, can we?” Zuse agrees with a raised eyebrow and a grin. “What can I do for you, my dear?”
Yori glances over to the bar for a moment, then back to Zuse, and the little smirk on her face and the gleam in her eye are positively devilish. “I need a favor.”
Our lady of communications won a shipwide bet
By hacking into the planet’s main communications net
Now every time someone calls up on an Argo telescreen
The flesh is there but the clothes they wear are nowhere to be seen!
It was, quite possibly, the greatest prank ever to have been committed in Encom’s history, and programmers are by nature a prankish lot. Kevin Flynn, of course, was the reigning champion, and when every screen in the cube farm suddenly lit up with a (really quite superb) digital rendering of a very naked Edward Dillinger, the immediate general consensus was that Flynn had won yet another round.
The general consensus, however, was wrong.
“Pay up, boys,” Lora Baines demanded, extending her palm.
Our doctor loves humanity, his private life is quiet
The shore police arrested him for inciting whores to riot
We found him in the city jail, locked on and beamed him free
Intact except for hickeys, and six kinds of VD
Driving away from LA County lockup, Alan’s just about to ask Roy how, exactly, the big SOPA protest in Hollywood had managed to go so spectacularly off the rails when he notices something and nearly runs the car off the road doing a doubletake.
“Roy, is that a hickey?”
“What can I say,” Roy says, with a shrug and that trademark lopsided grin of his. “Chicks dig the jewfro.”
Our crew is Starfleet’s finest and our record is our pride
And when we play, we tend to leave a trail a mile wide
We’re sorry ‘bout the wreckage and the riots and the fuss
At least we’re sure that planet won’t be quick forgetting us!
By the last verse they’re all singing together, Alan and Lora and Kevin and Jordan and Roy, and they’ve never been happier. It’s nearly 2 am, they’re the last people left in the bar, and the bartender is giving them one hell of a hairy eyeball, but none of them care. They’re having too much fun.
Yep, Kevin thinks as they finish the song laughing. Best. Idea. Ever.
And we’re banned from Argo, every one
Banned from Argo, just for having a little fun
We spent a jolly shore leave there, for just three days or four
But Argo doesn’t want us anymore