It is one of those days where he realizes that he will never fit in. And that they never will see him with different eyes. To them he is a killer, a monster. Oh, they do acknowledge the good things he has done in his life. Nevertheless, no matter how hard he tries to make up for it - there is blood on his hands and they know it. He is the only one, the ONLY one of them who has ever killed. The only one who has any kind of blood on his hands, not to mention innocent blood.
Somehow, they manage to trust him with their lives but not to trust HIM. They know he is going to kill to protect them, or to die if that is what it takes. He is the muscle, the hitter. The one who has to take care of everyone, get everyone out of the danger zone. And he has done so, countless times. How often he saved their lives he does not know. He stopped counting after their first year together.
Just the other night he saved Hardison's ass again. Beating up the bad guys and then getting the Hacker out of there - that was his job. And he did it well. However, there was that look again, on the Hacker's face. A mix of fear and respect. But heavy on the “if-you-don't-stop-that-scary-look-I'm-gonna-flee” side. He can't help it. How is he supposed to look all nice and loving while beating someone up? Why do they expect him to smile and be all sunny and warm when he hurts? And he does hurt. He is strong and he is fast. He is trained in many styles. He can handle many weapons. However, he is not invincible. Not one fight goes by without a bruise or a split lip or even worse. He had his fair share of concussions, broken ribs, broken fingers, cuts, twisted ankles, overstretched muscles and tendons and god knows what else in this job. Eliot is pretty sure that being all cheery, nice and loving was not part of his job description. So why the hell do they expect that?
Sometimes he winds himself up with that kind of thoughts. Then he gets cranky and pissed off, snarls at them and flees the scene. But whenever that happens, a single look of each and every one of them can break his hart anew. That fear in their eyes. As though they expect him to pick up a knife and come after them. He would never do that. He does not harm people for fun. He uses violence as an appropriate response. But to them ... he is just a killer. Someone good enough to do their dirty work, good enough to protect them because they know he would not stop. He would kill to keep them safe. Nevertheless, they don't trust him. Not enough to let their guards down around him. They mask it well. Especially Sophie. However, he still can see it, feel it. A shy look, just for a second. That glimpse that tells him, what is on their minds. Just a killer. Do not let him get too close.
No matter how hard he tries he will never be clean of that, never be someone else for them, than that killer that helps them on the jobs. That will never change.