The day that Leonard comes home and finds Sheldon pushed up against the kitchen counter, Wil between his legs and the two of them making out like their very lives depended on it, is not exactly what he’d call a good day. Or a sanity-confirming day.
“But—” Leonard sputters, “but you don’t do sex!”
“Oh, trust me,” Wil says, grinning the grin of the well-laid, “he does sex.”
“But—but he’s never—I don’t understand, he’s never been interested in sex before!” Leonard yelps. Sheldon raises an eyebrow.
“That’s a faulty premise,” he says. “I might not have expressed interest in sex, but you have no way of knowing whether I was asexual or repressing my sexual drive. You merely assumed I had no interest in sex.”
“But how did this happen?”
“After his flag youtube videos became something of a cult hit, I retweeted one of them. Which may have led to a twitter war.”
“Which I would’ve won,” Sheldon cuts in quickly. Wil rolls his eyes.
“We didn’t quite get to the winning stage, because suddenly I had followers tweeting me links to RPF of the two of us.”
“Most of them were anatomically impossible,” Sheldon muses, while Leonard gapes at the pair of them. “One author, though, really seemed to have a good grasp of our characterizations.”
(Somewhere, Raj, leaning over a keyboard in a badly lit room, starts guiltily.)
“Anyway, my natural inclination was to hunt Sheldon down and tweet a picture of the two of us in some sort of provocative position. You know, how one is wont to do in this sort of situation.”
“What?”” Leonard croaks out. The both of them continue ignoring him.
“One thing led to another,” Sheldon says. “Things…proceeded.”
“We had lots and lots of sex,” Wil clarifies. “But don’t worry, we only did it in your bed once.”
“Leonard,” Sheldon says, lip curling, “do you honestly think I’d have sex in your bed? In those unhygienic sheets? Do you think so little of me?”
“Oh thank god,” Leonard gasps, “you two are putting me on, aren’t you.” Wil and Sheldon exchange looks.
“Well, not about the sex,” Wil frowns. “I mean, your bed, yeah, that was a joke. But the sex all happened.”
“Does Amy know about this?” Leonard manages, trying to just go with it on the off chance it’ll stop his mind from breaking.
“Ohh yeah,” Wil grins.
“She joined us a few times,” Sheldon says. “It made for some interesting experiments. She tends to prefer her new relationship with Penny, though.”
“Penny?” Leonard asks, in the voice of one very near the end of his rope.
“She joined us once, too,” Wil grins. “Now that was fun.”
Leonard whimpers, once, and then drags himself over to the couch and collapses.
“So,” Wil drawls out, looking at Sheldon.
“Perhaps this isn’t the right time to ask if he’d be interested in a threesome,” Sheldon agrees.