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Lilo a ho'okahua

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He knew better; he really did. It was easy for him to blame Matt, but in the end it was all his own doing. When Matt had walked up the stairs and the plane door closed behind him, something broke inside him. It wasn’t anything huge at the time, but it would start a downward spiral that would take a lot more than a six-pack and a pep talk to recover from.

As soon as Danny got back in his car and started driving, the dark thoughts started creeping in. Matt had been the person that had pulled him out of the fire, and he was no longer there. He might as well have been dead.

With his mind in the state it was who could blame him for not thinking clearly. The logical step would have been to go straight to Steve’s house, considering what he’d just done for him. Instead, he went to Rachel. He’d look back on that decision as the one that started it all.

It was slow at first, the darkness barely making itself known. The serin incident had scared him more than anything, and again, Rachel was the one to comfort him. It was the first time in a long time that he’d been able to spend time alone with Grace and Rachel, and he didn’t even think of the impact it had on his close knit support system. Cracks were forming, and he didn’t see it until it was too late. He was too wrapped up in his own feelings and his own desires to even notice.

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“You don’t understand, Danny. There is no Five-0 anymore.”

Those words were like a punch to the gut. It was as if he’d just been told that he no longer had a family. The fact that it was said by a member of that family made it a hundred times worse. Danny yelled something at Chin, and said something to Steve, but minutes later, he couldn’t remember what those something’s were.

It wasn’t till he got back in his car and followed the police cruiser back to the station that he realized he’d missed his flight. When he arrived at the police station, he didn’t remember how he got there.

He was allowed to see Steve before they took him to his cell.

“Danny, you believe me don’t you? I didn’t do this.”

“I believe you. I’ll get you out of this. Just hang in there, okay?” He meant every word he said, but there was no feeling behind his words.

“Yeah, okay.” If Steve noticed the change in Danny’s demeanor, he didn’t say anything.

Chin came into the room to let them know that their time was up. Steve and Danny both glared at him, but stood.

“Don’t do anything stupid. I’ll come see you when I can.”

Danny left the room without another word. He walked back to his car and drove to his apartment. He never noticed Kono standing near the entrance trying to get his attention.

He unlocked the door and walked into his apartment. He closed the door and walked toward his foldout sofa. He sat down and pulled his phone out of his pocket. He could feel himself slipping, and he knew he needed to talk to someone. He needed help.

He looked at the numbers on his phone. He couldn’t call Grace, she was on a plane; a plane that he should have been on. He couldn’t call Steve, for obvious reasons. Chin was out of the question. Danny felt betrayed by him. How could he have done what he’d done? He didn’t want to bother Kono with anything. She was dealing with her own problems.

It was too late for him to call his parents. Plus, they were still dealing with what happened to Matt. Yeah, Matt was out of the question too. Danny had tried calling him a few times after he disappeared, but the phone number had been disconnected.

He contemplated calling Kamekona, and immediately decided against it. The big guy meant well, but Danny just couldn’t handle him in the state he was in. There was no one he could call. Everyone was gone, or had more important things to deal with. Everything was falling apart around him, and there was nothing he could do about it.

He threw his phone across the room, barely missing the window. It hit the wall, but fortunately didn’t break when it hit the floor. He laid down and curled in on himself. He hadn’t felt that way in a long time, and he wasn’t ready for the overwhelming loss he was being hit with. For the first time in his life, he was truly alone. It was too much and he broke down. He fell asleep a short time later.

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Sometime later, Danny was woken by the ringing of his phone. He didn’t have the energy to get up and answer, so he just let it ring. He put his hands over his ears to try and drown it out. It wasn’t long before he was asleep again.

He was woken again with someone knocking loudly on his door.

“Go away!” He screamed.

“I’m not leaving until you open this door, Danny!” It was Kono.

“I said go away. You’ve got more important things to be worrying about than me.”

The knocking stopped and it got really quiet. Danny hoped she’d taken the hint, but when the door opened, all he could think was, Damn, I forgot to lock the door.

“Danny?”

“Why are you here? You should be worrying about yourself.”

She walked up to the sofa and knelt down in front of Danny’s head.

“How could you even think that? There isn’t anything I can do about my problems right now. I’m worried about you.”

“How’d you..?”

“I saw you leave the station. I tried to get your attention.”

He didn’t reply, but he sat up and looked at her. It was the first good look Kono got to see of him. His eyes were red rimmed and puffy. He looked very pale. It scared her to see him like that. She sat on the sofa next to him and put her arm over his shoulders. He leaned against her.

“I’ve lost everything. Matt’s gone. Grace and Rachel are gone. Five-0 is gone. It’s all gone.” Tears started spilling from his eyes as he spoke.

Kono had never seen Danny so broken. She knew it was always a possibility, but actually seeing it shocked her.

“Danny, what are you talking about? Grace and Rachel are gone?”

“They’re on their way back to New Jersey. I’m supposed to be with them. Rachel’s pregnant, and I was going to go and be with her and Gracie, and now… God, I really fucked up, Kono.”

He was crying uncontrollably at that point. Kono wrapped her other arm around him and pulled him closer to her. She rubbed circles on his back to try and soothe him.

“Danny… I want you to listen to me. I look up to you and admire you. You are a great father, a great detective, and a great man. You haven’t lost everything. I’m still here, right? We’ll get Steve out of jail. I’m sure that Chin will come around. I’ll be fine. As far as Rachel and Grace, you’ll give them a call in the morning and explain everything. Grace is only a phone call away.”

Danny didn’t say anything, but he relaxed against her. The tears tapered off and eventually stopped all together.

“Why don’t you lie down and try and get some more sleep. I’ll be right here.”

He quietly laid his head down in her lap and she pulled a blanket off the back of the sofa and laid it over him. She then ran her hand through his hair. He was asleep within minutes.

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Danny was startled awake by the ringing of his phone.

“Stay here, I’ll get it.”

He lifted his head up just enough for her to slide out from under him. He then laid his head back down on the sofa and closed his eyes again. He must have drifted off, because a few minutes later, Kono shook his shoulder.

“Danny… that was Rachel. I told her you’d call her back.”

He nodded then slowly sat up and rubbed his hand over his face. He looked over at Kono. He could tell she was tired, but she was doing her best not to show it.

“I’m sorry you had to see me like that. You didn’t have to stay.”

“Are you kidding me? We’re ohana… remember? You aren’t alone, no matter how much you feel that you are. I’m not going anywhere. Just remember what I said last night. Everything will work out. I’m sure of it.”

“I really do hope you’re right. I don’t know if I can…”

“None of that, okay? Why don’t you take a shower? You’ll feel better. I’ll be here when you get out.”

“Yeah, okay.”

He stood up slowly and stretched. He then walked into the bathroom and started the shower. When he was done, he stepped out and wrapped a towel around his waist. He then walked over to the sink and looked into the mirror. He was very pale and he looked exhausted. He felt exhausted.

He opened the medicine cabinet and pulled out the bottle of pills. He needed to call his doctor; see if he could get in to see him later that day. He took one and then finished getting ready.

When he walked back into the living room, Kono was sitting on the sofa waiting for him.

“I’ve got a few calls to make. You don’t need to stay.”

“I know I don’t need to, but I want to. You make your calls, and then I’m taking you to lunch. Then we’ll see if we can get in to see Steve.”

Danny smiled for the first time in what felt like forever. “Okay.”

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The next few of days went by in a blur. Then Danny got the call that nearly sent him back over the edge.

“Daniel, how are you doing?”

“I’m better.”

“I’ve got something I need to tell you.”

“Rachel, what is it? Is something wrong with the Grace, the baby?”

“Not exactly. I went to the doctor this morning, and found out that I’ve been pregnant longer than I thought.”

Danny’s breath caught in his throat. He swallowed hard and finally said, “Are you saying what I think you’re saying?”

“There’s no way that they baby can be yours. I’m so sorry, Danny.”

He shuddered, and then quietly said, “So what does this mean?”

“We’ll be coming back to Hawai’i in a few weeks. I’m going to try to make it work with Stan… for the baby’s sake.”

“Okay. Just let me know when you’ll be here. I want to spend some time with Grace.”

“Of course. I’ll have Grace call you tonight. I need to go.”

“Okay… bye Rachel.”

He hung up the phone before she could say anything else. He immediately called Kono.

They spent the rest of the day hanging out. They talked mostly; cried some. When Grace called, Kono discreetly left the room.

“Hey, Monkey!”

“Daddy, I miss you so much.”

“I miss you too, baby.”

“Mommy told me that we were going back to Hawai’i. I can’t wait. I really miss it there.”

“I can’t wait either.”

“Are you okay, Daddy? You sound sad.”

He hesitated. “Yeah, baby, I am, but I feel better now that I’ve gotten to talk to you.”

“I’m sorry you’re sad. I wish I was there so I could give you a big bear hug. Those always help.”

“I wish you were too, but you will be here before you know it. I’ll be okay till you get here. I’ve got our ohana here to keep me company till you get back.” He cringed when he said it, but he didn’t want her to worry.

“Okay. Give everyone a hug for me.”

“I will. Remember, Danno loves you.”

“I love you too, Daddy.”

Talking to her really did help him feel better. It wasn’t as good as her being there, but it would have to do.

Kono came back into the room.

“You okay?”

“Yeah, I’m good. I’m not great, but I’m good for now.”

She smiled at him. He could see some sadness behind it, but he knew it wasn’t because of him. He’d have to convince her to go deal with her own stuff for a while. He’d be okay on his own.

“Why don’t you take a day for yourself tomorrow? I’ve got to go to Hickham, and then I’m going to go see Steve.”

“You sure? I know they won’t allow me in to see Steve, but I don’t mind coming along.”

“Yeah, I need to do this myself… You’ve been great this week. I don’t know what I would have done without you.”

“No problem, brah. I know you’d do the same for me. Really, you have been just as much there for me this week as I’ve been there for you.”

There wasn’t really much else to say after that. They hugged each other, and then Kono walked to the door.

“Call me if you need anything.”

“I will, and thank you again.”

She smiled and then walked out the door.

He locked the door behind her, and then went back to the sofa. He sat down and turned on the TV. He really felt good. He was looking forward to seeing Steve the next day, and he hoped that Joe White would be able to help them. He didn’t know what the following few days would hold, but for that one night, he felt okay.