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Inquietude

Chapter Text

My side of The Story

Cold wind blows, I am shivering
My body aches as my heart is breaking
Why is life making me hollow?
Why is happiness casting me in the shadows?

 

The last thing Maura saw as the ambulance rolled away was Jane standing there staring back at her. Flanking her in a protective stance were both Korsak and Frost. Maura felt even more betrayed and alone as they faded in the distance. She was alone once again, reliving the last moments, the loud fire of the guns, her father falling down, and the stricken and hurt look on Jane’s face as she yelled harshly at her. Inside the ambulance, the paramedics were working furiously to save Doyle, who was bleeding profusely from his wounds. Focus, Maura! Her father needed her right now. Maura pressed trembling fingers to her face and told herself to get a grip and not break down. ‘Heartbeat is erratic, we need to stabilize it.’ she said snapping her doctor’s mask on. Please don’t die on me, she begged silently staring down at Doyle face.

Jane stared until the ambulance turned a corner and was gone, her mind replaying one thought. What have I done?. ‘Jane?’ Korsak said breaking the trance she seemed to be in. ‘They are bringing out Agent Dean now.’ Gabriel. ‘Yes, she said clearing her throat, hands fisting slightly she walked over to the gurney as the paramedics got ready to load him into the second ambulance. ‘Is he going to be okay? She asked the paramedic attending to him. ‘Yes. It is nothing life threatening, we just need to get him into surgery to remove the bullet. Unlike the other patient. She thought. Maura’s father who I shot and quite possibly just killed.

'Could you give us a moment?' She asked the paramedic who nodded and moved away. ‘Jane. I..’ Agent Dean said reaching out for her hands. Jane moved away, her body rigid and unwelcoming. ‘Dean, what the hell? She burst out, her eyes flashing angrily. ‘I told you something in confidence, I trusted you!' She rasped out. ‘So it’s Dean now huh? Agent Dean said bitterly. ‘Yes, and it will be from now on, you made that choice between me and your precious collar. ‘I am sorry Jane, I had to, I couldn’t just let a wanted fugitive go when I knew where he was.’ ‘No?' Jane scoffed angrily. ‘Yeah, well.. You got your collar Agent Dean', she said emphasizing his title. ‘And we are done. I want nothing more to do with you’ ‘Jane, wait.’ Ignoring him she walked away hands jammed into her pockets and her face flushed.

Chapter Text

Feel It in My Bones

Blow by blow, I didn’t see it coming.
Blow by blow, Suckerpunch
Rushes in, Here to stay..

 

Two weeks later, Jane was pacing up and down near her desk when she heard the familiar click of heels. She spun around to face Maura who gave her a totally expressionless face. They hadn't talked ever since that night; though Jane had tried calling and leaving messages. She had tried in vain to talk to Maura at the hospital, asked for forgiveness day after day until one day Maura had just flat out asked her to stop it. ‘Don’t!’ she had said. The look, in Maura’s usually warm and inviting hazel eyes had stopped Jane cold. So Jane had backed off, keeping her distance until Maura was ready to talk so she could try to fix things.

'Maura..? Jane murmured, her eyes searching the doctor’s face for any clue. ‘Detective Rizzoli,’ Maura said coldly. ‘If I may have a moment of your time, please? The lab results are in.’ Without waiting for a response she turned on her heels and left. Jane gave one hopeless look at Frost and followed. They descended together on the elevator, tension filling the closed space. Jane let an audible sigh as the doors opened and they walked in to the autopsy room. ‘The cause of death has been determined to be blunt force trauma to her...’ Maura jumped straight in, snapping her gloves on, her voice cold and detached.

‘Maura’ Jane had had enough. ‘Please, we have to talk about this!’ She leaned over the table to touch Maura’s hand, and flinched as Maura deliberately snapped it out of reach. ‘I am sorry, I really am. What can I do?’ she implored her eyes searching Maura’s face. Maura looked at her and Jane could see that her carefully composed face was breaking apart. ‘You shot my father Jane. I think you have done enough.’ Flinching once again at the harsh tone Jane forged ahead. ‘That's not fair!’ Jane said her voice rough. ‘I was just doing my job. He shot Gabriel, he might have shot Frost.’ ‘Gabriel’ Maura laughed humorlessly. 'Agent Dean wouldn’t have been there if it wasn't for you. And he shot Doyle first’, she said her eyes burning into Jane’s eyes. ‘After my father saved my life by the way, which I think you were supposed to be looking out for. And then you shot my father, after his clip had emptied while I yelled no, but you didn’t listen to me Jane. You always do what you think best, and think about the damn consequences later!’ she finished nearly in a yell, her normally irrefutable calm completely lost.

Jane rounded the table, her voice rising, anger and disbelief written all over her face. ‘What is that supposed to mean? I didn’t hear an empty click. I didn’t have time to analyze everything under a microscope like you do, Maura. He was pointing the gun at me and Frost. Look I know I made a mistake with Gabriel and I am sorry that I shot your father but I was doing my job. I was..’.

BAM! Maura slammed her fist down on the autopsy table startling Jane with her ferocity. She moved forward closing the distance between them and stared at Jane, her eyes hard and angry. ‘Your job, Jane? Were you doing just your job when you shot yourself? Did you think beyond that moment, how your actions could affect others? How it would affect me? Did you?' Maura bit out. Before Jane could form a reply or process the look of pain, hurt and anger on Maura’s face, she continued. ‘You didn't Jane. Just like when you shot my father. You were not thinking about me. He would never hurt me, Jane. You know that and he wouldn't have hurt you. You should have trusted me but you didn't. You should have had my back, but you didn’t!’ The fury seemed to drain from Maura as she turned away from Jane, her shoulders slumped. ‘I don't think I could ever trust you again.’

Chapter Text

Holiday

Here I am in a brand new shade of blue,
Stumble as I go in some messed up freebie-shoes
 I walked for miles and miles
To get through all the pain, I am ok, I am ok, here I go

Jane had to lean forward to hear the softly spoken words and when she heard them she felt cold. Her best friend was effectively ending their friendship. Her throat constricted and she swallowed hard, as her heart started to hammer in her chest. ‘Maur, please don't do this’ ‘Jane’.  Maura turned around, her face a mixture of sadness, hurt and fatigue.  Her normally immaculate makeup had streaks in it with the tears running down her face. She looked at Jane, holding her gaze. Her eyes already telling Jane what she was struggling to say in words. ‘I just... I can't... I won't do this anymore. So please just leave me alone. I need you to give me space. I  ...’ She hesitated a second before rushing on. ‘I think its best that you leave me alone.  So Please Leave.’

Jane stared at her thoughts whirling furiously in her head. She could feel tears forming and she angrily brushed them away. ‘Fine’ she said her own voice rough and harsh. ‘If you want to take his side over his, after all we have been through, after all the things I have done for you...’‘Fine’, she repeated her voice breaking. She turned to go but whirled around again, frustration and anger written on her face. ‘Where was your beloved father all this time? Did I miss something, the moment when he became more than the stranger, and the cold blooded killer you said you couldn’t love?'

Jane sauntered back, face set and eyebrows drawn. ‘Because I thought I was your family? Me, Ma, Frankie, even Frost and Korsak. You know the people who have actually been here for you all this time? Jane stared at the back of Maura, noting the tensed up shoulders and willing her to turn around and face her. But she didn't and Jane completed her last sentence in a broken voice. ‘I guess I was wrong... if you want me to leave you alone, it’s done Maura… ’ Swiping angrily at her own tears, she stalked away her arms wrapped around herself. Left alone, Maura finally gave in to her weak knees and crumbled to the floor, shoulders shaking as she gave into her tears and cried.

Chapter Text

Where’d you go

Where'd you go?
I miss you so,
Seems like it's been forever,
That you've been gone,
Please come back home..

The persistent knocking on Jane’s door woke her up from a restless sleep. Sitting up she realized must have dozed off on the couch while reading the case files. She opened the door a crack and saw her Ma's face. Please not right now. She thought even as she opened the locks and let her in. ‘What are you doing here, Ma?’ ‘What? I can't come visit my own daughter? And you look awful Jane.’ ‘Gee, thanks Ma!’ Jane replied snippily as she flopped back on the couch. Angela looked round and started to tidy up the apartment. ‘Really ma! Stop cleaning and tell me why you are here’.  Angela sighed and went to sit down next to her stubborn daughter. ‘It's Maura’

‘What? Did something happen..’ Jane was already jumping up. ‘No honey, she's fine. Well as fine as you are’. Angela looked at her daughter’s face, noting the fatigue, the dark circles under her eyes and the sadness in her dark brown eyes. ‘You’re working too hard, Jane’. Jane shrugged noncommittally playing with the thread on her sweater. ‘I don’t understand why you don’t come over anymore! You never come over for dinners, you always have an excuse not to show’ Angela continued. ‘Can't you just talk to Maura and fix this?

Jane didn’t look up, instead rubbing the scars on her hands. ‘I tried already Ma’, she finally said. ‘Maura … she hates me and doesn't want anything to do with me.’ she finished tiredly, fingers running through her hair. ‘That's nonsense. She just needs time!’ Angela interrupted. ‘Time? I shot her father Ma. She is never going to forgive me. I let her down when she needed me the most.’ Jane trailed off.  Angela huffed and threw up her hands, not knowing what to say. It was clear Jane was hurting badly, but so was Maura. Angela loved the doctor much like her own daughter but Jane was her flesh and blood. ‘Honey, she said, looking at Jane who was now hiding her face under her long thick curls. Scooting over she put her arms around Jane as she started crying softly. ‘I screwed up, Ma... But I thought I was doing the right thing. I didn’t mean to hurt Maura…’ ‘I know that, and so does Maura.. This is just an impossible situation. But I am here, you know that right.. if you want I will move out of…’

‘NO!' Jane said pulling back. ‘No, she needs someone and I can’t be there for her, so I need you to be there Ma. She needs someone okay? Jane wiped her tears away, and stared at Angela waiting for her response. ‘Okay', her Ma agreed. 'But only if you promise you will eat something. And clean up this mess. ‘God, Jane muttered, but let her Ma pull her in for another hug, seeking the comfort and warmth for a short while.

Chapter Text

Beauty from Pain 

After all this has passed, I still will remain
After I've cried my last, there'll be beauty from pain
Though it won't be today, someday I'll hope again


Maura sat alone in her apartment, a glass of wine untouched near her hands. It had been a month since her confrontation with Jane in the morgue. Since then they had hardly spent more than five minutes together, Frost and Korsak were usually present whenever they needed her expertise on a case. Jane had stayed out her way; even if they did see other in the station she changed directions immediately. That’s what you wanted, she reminded herself.

 

In that time she knew that Agent Dean had recovered from his gunshot in the leg and left for DC soon after. Maura wondered idly if Jane was keeping in touch with him. Constance her mother, had recovered enough to travel and had immediately left for her villa in France saying she needed to recuperate and recover. She has asked Maura to come, but Maura had politely declined understanding somehow that the offer was more a courtesy than a sincere offer. Doyle, her father had somehow managed to disappear from the hospital even under heavy guard, leaving behind a note that only said I will tell you about her one day, Maura. Please take care. So Maura was alone, much like she had been when she growing up.

 

Everything was different, and she missed the Rizzoli’s, the detectives’ Frost and Korsak. She missed Jane almost all the time. Though Angela had tried to continue the family dinners at the apartment, Jane never showed up or if even if she did, the awkward silence and tension was too much and she left abruptly halfway through the meal. After the fifth failed attempt at a jolly dinner, even Angela had given up. Maura felt guilty and more and more like an outsider as the days wore on. Even the station was not the same, without her friendship with Jane. Everyone still treated her same, but nothing was quite the same. Frost and Frankie still came to her for her knowledge but seemed to be holding back on some level, and she felt as though even if they had said nothing, they were silently on Jane’s side. She understood why. They admired her and looked up to her above anyone else. Jane was Frankie’s sister and Frost her partner. She couldn't blame them and she didn't want to. Korsak and Angela where the only people she could feel had not taken sides at all. But even they couldn’t fill the empty gap left by Jane. Maura had never realized just how much time she spent with her best friend, or how much of it she had taken for granted.

 

With a sigh she got and went over to her bedroom and lay down on the bed. Turning over she picked up the key on the nightstand. Taking the envelope next to it she smoothed it out and stared at Jane’s hand writing. She had found it, pushed under the door when she came home a few weeks ago.  I thought you'd want this back, it said.  Inside she had found the extra key to her apartment that she had given to Jane ages ago. As Maura rubbed her fingers over the key she came to the realization that she had made a grievous error in judgment.

 

Jane was the one person who had accepted fully for who she was. The one person despite all their differences, and their different upbringings understood her completely and accepted for her who she was without any qualms. Jane was the reason she and her own mother after years of estrangement had finally started to bridge the distance and show affection. Yes, she thought to herself. Jane hurt me deeply, but I would rather have her in my life than not at all. She had done more for me than anyone else had done in my entire life. I am going to fix this, I need my first and only best friend back! Having reasoned out what she really wanted and her own conflictions finally resolved, Maura slept peacefully after a long time.

Chapter Text

I'm Sorry

Take a Look inside of my heart
Can't you see it's breaking apart
Put away your foolish pride
Let me in, I'm knocking at the door

'Really?' Jane asked Korsak with her typical you have to be kidding me face. But before she could go any further, a movement at the corner of her eye caused her to turn around. It was Maura standing there looking uncertain and nervous. Jane had never seen her looking so unsure ever. But then Jane hadn't seen much of her at all in the last month. She had made sure to avoid all and any contact with Dr. Isles.

‘Jane... Maura hesitated. Can we talk for a minute?' Jane looked at her, face carefully blank. 'I …we just got a lead on this case, so we have to go.’ Saying so she quickly jumped up, making a motion with her head for Frost to follow her. She tried to brush past Maura, eyes fixed determinedly ahead but Maura grabbed her arm. She could feel Jane tense, the muscles in her arm tremble as Jane stopped. Maura looked at her and saw that her jaw was clenched tight, a muscle ticking just below her pulse point.

Jane leaned in close; her voice was low and deep. ‘I don't have anything to say to you Dr. Isles.’ Her eyes locked onto Maura and the anger and the hurt in those dark depths made Maura quickly release her. The moment she was free, Jane pushed past Maura and was gone in a heartbeat. Frost gave Maura a sympathetic glance, before he ran up to catch up with his partner. Maura stared after them, a bit confounded.

‘She needs time, Doc.’ Korsak said having witnessed the scene played out in front of him. ‘I.. uh’ For once Maura couldn’t think of anything to say. She returned her gaze to Jane’s former partner. ‘You know her Vince, help me get through to her’. ‘You shut her out, Maura. I have never seen her to open up so much until you. You know how she is, hates being vulnerable and showing any kind of weakness. Jane never lets her guard down. She walks around all cocksure, being sarcastic and acting like she is invincible. But you and I both know she's not, we have seen her breakdown and she never forgets that. You know what happened after the first Hoyt accident?

‘Yes,’ Maura said slowly. ‘She changed partners. She didn’t want to be you partner anymore.’ ‘Yes,’ Korsak said, looking sad for a moment before he changed his expression. ‘She said she couldn’t work with me knowing I had seen her vulnerable and defenseless. I believe mostly though she couldn’t face the fact that I had seen past her defenses. I wouldn’t have changed her being her partner for anything, but she made the choice.’ Korsak stopped, seeming to pull himself out of his own thoughts.

'Doc, you have to convince her different. You hurt her doing what you did, not that it was wrong.’ He hastened to add. ‘But she needs you though she won’t admit it now. She has had a hell of year, gone through so much. So go talk to her, make her listen to you!’ Realization of just how much she had hurt Jane was dawning on Maura. She panicked, wondering if Jane would ever let her back in. ‘I need her too, Maura thought. ‘I have to go talk to Jane. Thank you Vince,' Maura said over her shoulder as she practically ran in her heels knowing exactly where to find Jane.

Chapter Text

Rumour has It
 Just ‘cause I said it, it don’t mean that I meant it,
People say crazy things.. just cause I said it…

Jane slammed her fist into the car seat venting out her anger and frustration. ‘Jane, Frost said. What? Jane growled. ‘I think you should talk to Maura’ ‘ Stay out of this, Jane snapped back. ‘Ugh. I am sorry.. You didn’t deserve that’ she amended immediately, dropping her head down on the steering wheel. ‘Just go talk to her Jane, Frost said and exited the car, seeing who was walking towards them. Jane heard the car door open again and mumbled. ‘What, you got more advice, Frost? ‘Actually it’s me..’ Maura said closing the passenger door. Jane jerked her head up, ‘What..’

‘Please Jane, just listen to me.’ Maura said quickly. ‘What I did..’ Jane interrupted ‘I am familiar with being dumped by my best friend’, she snarled. Maura winced, remembering Jane’s high school reunion and how Jane had pointed out her former best friend. Jane, trying to be indifferent as she told Maura how Emily had dumped her in eighth grade. ‘Jane.’ Maura stopped her. ‘I was hurt, deeply by the events of that night. And I blamed you for everything.’ ‘I did shoot your father; you were justified in your actions’. Jane said, opening the car door and getting out quickly. ‘Jane! Wait!’ Maura ran after her, and pulled her to a stop. ‘Stop walking away from me. You owe me!’ Maura said desperately, knowing it would get Jane’s attention. ‘Fine, I am listening.’ Jane said, crossing her arms defensively and staring off into the distance.

‘Not here. Let’s go to my office. Please’, Maura motioned for Jane to follow her into the elevator. Once they were in her office Maura began again while Jane paced up and down, restless like a caged animal. ‘What I said before I didn’t mean it’ ‘Come on Maura. You meant everything you said, you cannot lie remember?’ Jane accused her, eyes dark and fathomless. ‘Fine, I did mean it.’ Maura conceded. ‘But I was letting my emotions overrule my head. And there was more I should have said Jane. You are impulsive and reckless at times yes, but you are also the most selfless and brave person I know. I made the wrong choice by shutting you out, even though at the time it was the only thing I felt I could do.

'I forgive you Jane,’ she said coming to stand in front of a now unmoving Jane. ‘You would do anything and everything for the people you love. Even shoot yourself,’ she smiled softly making Jane’s mouth turn up slightly. ‘And that's what I admire and like so much about you, Jane. You’re dedicated to your job...’ ‘Stop,’ Jane said, you’re going to make me blush,’ she said with some of her familiar sarcasm. Maura smiled, grateful to be back on familiar ground with Jane. ‘Do you forgive me? She asked Jane, who now looking at the floor was refusing to meet her eyes. ‘I.. you have nothing to be sorry for,’ Jane said finally looking up and meeting her eyes. ‘I screwed up things,’ she added sadly.

‘Yes, I do, Jane. I shouldn’t have blamed the results of uncontrollable and unforeseen circumstances entirely on you, and I shouldn’t have treated you that way afterwards.’

Jane nodded slowly, her hands clenching and unclenching slowly by her side. ‘Jane? Please talk to me’ Maura pleaded.

Chapter Text

Broken pieces - And as you showed me your scars I only held you closer

‘You know,’ Jane began her voice was low and subdued. Maura looked at her silently. ‘This hurt, and it still hurts,’ Jane held up her hands showing the mirrored scars on her hands. And this’ she lifted up her shirt slightly to show Maura the ugly scar the 40 caliber bullet had left. Maura winced her mind flashing back instantly to that awful day. She saw Jane wrestling the gun down and then the blood splatter and her sliding lifelessly down to the ground. Before her mind could go back any further Jane’s smoky voiced pulled her back. ‘The recovery, the surgeries, and the physical therapy everything following that was hard. And it hurt. But nothing,’ Jane’s voice caught and she cleared her throat. ‘It hurt more, when you... you hated me. When you looked at me like I was a stranger to you. Like I had betrayed you, that the person I was… I am, was someone you couldn’t bear to know. You rejected me, knowing who I am. You! You who know me better than anyone else!’ Roughly Jane wiped at her face and nose, a gesture Maura recognized Jane did when she was overwhelmed and about to cry.

‘Jane.’ she reached and pulled Jane’s hands into hers. Jane tensed but didn't pull away so Maura took a breath and rushed on. ‘Please let me explain. After the shooting it all just came unraveling. I.. It wasn't just you shooting Doyle.’ She saw guilt and pain flash across Jane’s face and she tried to move away, but Maura only tightened her hold. ‘It was not just the shooting though. It was the preceding events; it was all too much for my occipital...’ ‘English please,’ Jane interrupted softly the corner of her mouth lifting up slightly. ‘I let my emotions rule me Jane. The truth is everything we have been through, you shooting yourself to save your brother, the weeks spent in the hospital praying that you would wake up, and after that Hoyt and him almost killing us. Our jobs, Doyle… my father showing up. My mom getting run over and then the shooting. I just… it was all too much and I wanted, I needed to get away from all of it. And you,’ Jane nodded her face crumbling a bit. ‘I understand Maura it’s ... I am so sorry’. ‘No, don’t say anything just listen.. I forgive you Jane’ Jane looked up her face tear streaked and her eyes boring into Maura’s. ‘Can you forgive me? Maura asked again softly, her eyes searching Jane’s face. ‘I missed you. I miss you so much.’ ‘Me too, Jane said a ghost of smile flitting across her face.

For a long moment she said nothing. Maura waited patiently her heartbeat racing. ‘Come here,’ Jane said finally and Maura stepped in to her arms letting out a sign of relief. ‘We are going to be okay, right?' She sniffled into Jane’s hair. ‘Oh my god’ Jane said pulling back a little to look at her. Are you crying?’ ‘Hey, you are crying too, Maura shot back. ‘Fine, but if you ever tell anyone, I will kill you,’ Jane said smiling at Maura, her dimples flashing. ‘I know and I wouldn’t, Maura agreed pulling Jane back into the hug. ‘I hated hating you, she whispered softly making Jane laugh. ‘Yeah well me too, lets never do that again,’ ‘Well statistically speaking and the considering the unpredictably of the future I cannot say’ ‘Googlemouth, shut up’. Jane said pulling her out of the office by the hand. ‘Let's go get a beer. I don’t know about you but I have had the crappiest weeks for a while now without my best friend. ‘Language.’ Maura scolded but smiling cause this felt like everything was falling back into place.

‘Wait!’ Maura said suddenly making Jane halt. She grabbed her purse and pulled out the envelope shaking the key out. ‘Here, I believe this is yours.’ She said putting it in Jane’s hand. ‘You know, you never gave yours back,’ Jane said closing her fist and looking at Maura, a questioning look on her face. ‘I never intended to,’ Maura said without hesitation. Jane’s eyes lit up as she understood what Maura meant. ‘I really missed you’, Jane smiled flashing her dimples again. Maura smiled back wiping her tears away and following Jane. ‘Yea I really missed you too,’ she said. They stepped into the elevator and Jane said. ‘I even missed your turtle.’ ‘Tortoise, Maura corrected giving her the look. Yes, everything was going to be fine, Maura thought as the elevators doors closed.