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Yamaguchi's hands still shake when he touches him.

It doesn't matter how small the touch is. Whether he's cupping Kei's cheek or just brushing dust off of his shirt his hands will flutter at his sides and his face will screw up in uncertainty and his hands will always, always shake.

It shouldn't bother Kei as much as it does. It's not like he's a touchy-feely PDA kind of guy, if anything he should be glad his boyfriend is careful about touching him. He doesn't see how Kageyama can stand it, the way Hinata hangs onto him all the time, jumping on his back or pulling at his arm. If Yamaguchi tried something like that he'd push him away, together or not. He's just always found those kinds of couples so annoying, and he's actually sort of proud he and Yamaguchi are better than that.

But there's something about it that doesn't sit right with him, and he can't put his finger on it.


If Kei had only a moment to think about it, he'd say not much had changed since they'd gotten together. They ate lunch together, they studied together, they sometimes went to Yamaguchi's house and sometimes they went to his. Sometimes they'd watch movies, sometimes they'd study, and sometimes they wouldn't do much of anything.

Well, they did kiss sometimes.

Okay, most of the time they kissed. But overall, it wasn't the incredible shift Kei'd half expected. Yamaguchi was still Yamaguchi, embarrassingly sincere and overly flattering, all big brown eyes and "Sorry Tsukki!"s that didn't sound sorry at all, and Kei still thought he was the most ridiculous boy he'd ever met.

He thinks that maybe it's the norm, that two people that have been friends for so long couldn't be rattled by things like kisses and intimacy, that maybe he can be in love with his best friend, his only friend really, and it doesn't have to be a big deal.

But sometimes it feels like a big deal. Sometimes it feels like a very big deal because Yamaguchi is a ridiculous boy and he does ridiculous things, things like hum when he concentrates and looking all pleased when Kei tells him to shut up and having those big brown eyes that are unnecessarily large and get all soft in a flash (and really, what does he think he's doing? Doesn't he have better things to do than be so distracting?) and Kei looks at him and his breath gets tangled up in his throat.

He sees Hinata's hands around Kageyama's wrists and wonders if they'd ever shaken.

 


 

 Sometimes he thinks that maybe he should make up for it. Maybe if he touched him more, if he grabbed Yamaguchi's hand as they walked or patted his shoulders or kissed him goodbye at the end of the day, maybe then Yamaguchi would stop looking at Kei like he's something he can't have.

It's a strange thought.


 

They aren't feeling up to much, so by the time they get to Yamaguchi's room they've already decided to spend the afternoon on his bed.

"But Tsukki, we'll fall asleep!"

"So?"

They used to do this all the time. Kei would come over when they were both exhausted from practice and they'd lay in bed together, not talking or touching, just relaxing and enjoying the company. Yamaguchi would sometimes get restless and smile at him and Kei would roll his eyes. It's nothing new.

But there's nervousness now that wasn't there before, and Kei can't even tell which of them it's coming from anymore because they're side by side and face to face and Yamaguchi is looking right at him like he wants something but doesn't know how to ask, and Kei isn't a mind reader, dammit, he can't risk a bad guess.

"...Tsukki?"

His voice is barely above a whisper but it still makes Kei's stomach flip.

"What?"

Yamaguchi seems a little startled, probably picking out the edge in Kei's voice.

"What were you thinking about just now?"

It's not an unusual question. So why does he sound so nervous?

Why are his hands clenching in the sheets?

"What do you want from me?" Kei says, surprising himself and flooring Yamaguchi, who jerks back with wide, shocked eyes.

"What do you mean?" He says, looking from Kei's eyes to his cheeks to his forehead to his lips in a frantic sweep. "...Is something wrong, Tsukki?"

"You tell me." His voice is dangerously close to being cruel and Yamaguchi's looking like he's just gotten stung by a bee. "Because I don't know. I can't know unless you tell me what it is you need."

Yamaguchi raises one hand from the sheets like he's going to hold Kei's shoulder, but flinches before he can touch him, letting his hand drop between them. Kei misses the potential it had.

"Sorry." He says as Kei stares at him, and his adam's apple jumps as he swallows. "Sorry. But I don't know what you..."

Kei could show him. Kei could take his hand and bring it to his chest, could look him in the eye and say it to him, this this this.

He doesn't.

But Yamaguchi, ridiculous, wonderful boy that he is, hears it anyway.

Kei sees the gears in his head turn as he reaches his hand out again. It still shakes in the space separating them, but it's firm and sure against Kei's neck.

For a moment he seems to be holding his breath, but then Kei shifts into his touch and the nervousness falls away from Yamaguchi's expression and is replaced by wonder.

"This is... okay?"

He doesn't say yes, but whatever Yamaguchi sees in his eyes makes him brave enough to roll into him and tuck his head under Kei's chin.

"Okay Tsukki."

His name feels lovely against his own skin.


It's new, the way they hold each other. It's somehow more of a change than even the kissing was.

Sometimes, Yamaguchi will tilt his head up and plant a kiss on Kei's lips. Sometimes, Kei will be the one to bend to him. Sometimes they just lie still, Kei counting his boyfriend's sighs and playing with the hair at the nape of his neck.

It's nice, the change.


They shift again, gradually enough that Kei can't see it; has no time to put his guard up when it hits.

They're on Kei's bed this time, and Yamaguchi has one arm around his waist and his other hand's playing with the collar of Kei's shirt.

The touch makes his mouth go dry. Of course it hits him first.

"Tsukki..." It's the first word between them in what feels like hours, a sigh that warms the hollow of his throat.

There's a hitch in Yamaguchi's breath, and Kei knows it's hit him too.

Yamaguchi's fingers play where his shirt meets his neck and they're warm and smooth and steady, and Kei can handle it. Sure, they're in his bed and he's kind of really turned on and Yamaguchi is stroking his collarbone but he can handle it dammit.

But then Yamaguchi lets out an almost joyous sounding gasp and leans forward to press his open mouth against his neck and then Kei's the one shaking.

"Tsukki..." Yamaguchi flicks out his tongue to trace at a vein in his neck and it's so warm, so so warm in his mouth. "Tsukki..."

His small hand trails down his chest and grasps his shirt where it'd bunched up at his hips.

"Can I?"

Kei's hands fly to the other boy's hair and tug, bringing Yamaguchi's mouth back within reach.

It's really hot inside. He thinks as he licks into the other boy's mouth. It's so hot.

Kei slips a hand down Yamaguchi's shirt, palming at his bare back. Yamaguchi shifts like he doesn't know whether to move back against his hand or forward against his mouth, and the sweet hurt little noise he lets out makes Kei's head spin.

Yamaguchi cups his face in hands that don't shake, not even a little, and he pulls away slowly, breath coming quickly.

His mouth is shiny and wet and red. Kei could weep.

Yamaguchi says his name again, and he's a ridiculous boy to look at him that way, like he's holding the moon in his hands, just ridiculous, and Kei loves him so much it freezes him.

 The skin of his cheek warms when Yamaguchi nuzzles him there, bumping his forehead against his glasses. Yamaguchi kisses the jut of his cheekbone with a hum in his throat that tickles Kei as he moves back down towards his throat.

The drag of his wet, kiss-swollen lips against the underside of his jaw makes him moan, and he's really glad Yamaguchi can't see his face because he's sure he's pulling some kind of embarrassing look.

 "Tsukki"

He hadn't ever heard his name said that way before. Another change.

Yamaguchi looks up at him through his lashes as he drags his tongue over his adam's apple and yeah, there go the last shreds of his shame.

The noise that comes out of him makes Yamaguchi sit up a little, enough so that he can throw an arm around Kei's shoulders and a thigh between his legs.

"Is it good, Tsukki?" He asks as his fingers (when did they get so certain?) dip under the hem of Kei's shirt to rub at the sharp jut of his hipbone.

Kei grinds into his thigh without even thinking about it.

"Good." Yamaguchi whispers as he peppers kisses all along Kei's throat. "Good, I'm so glad."

 He lets out a curse as he rolls his hips, feeling his cock leak in his underwear. He doesn't have it in him to be embarrassed when he moans, not when Yamaguchi is looking at him like that, not when his mouth is so hot and his hands are so steady.

"Oh, Tsukki you're so..."

Kei has to hold back a mournful noise when Yamaguchi moves his thigh away and props himself up on his elbow.

"Tsukki..." They're so close Kei can feel the words as they leave his mouth. "I want to touch you. Please, can I?"

A ridiculous question from a ridiculous boy.

"Yes." He says, and holy shit, is that his voice? That's not what he sounds like. "Yes. Of course you can."

Yamaguchi looks like he's just been offered everything he's ever wanted.

He's so unfair.

"Okay." Yamaguchi says, a stunned little smile at the edge of his lips. "Okay."

Yamaguchi presses his palm down on Kei's erection from the outside of his shorts, and Kei knows that it isn't the time to be proud in the same way that he knows it isn't the time to be shy and insecure and a number of other ugly things they share between them, so he lets himself push into that touch, lets Yamaguchi's name fall from his lips.

Yamaguchi doesn't even bother to take his shorts off, he just reaches his hand inside of them. Kei sees the way Yamaguchi's eyes go from his face to where his hand is moving under the other boy's shorts.

He's not shaking. But Kei is.

Keep your eyes on me. He wants to say. Don't look away.  

It's strange, to be so desperate for it when he knows that Yamaguchi is always looking at him.

"Ah"

Yamaguchi's rhythm is confident and devastating, and Kei had understimated him, Kei had seriously underestimated him because he's rubbing at the spot under the head of his cock that makes his back bow and Kei's whole body sparks with heat. The head of his cock is slick with pre-cum, and he can't keep himself from fucking into Yamaguchi's fist, his thighs tensing with the effort. His cock glides smoothly in Yamaguchi's hand, a sweet slick roll of sensation, and he feels more than he's ever felt in his life.

Kei reaches for Yamaguchi in the moments before he comes.

His hand shakes in the air, but Yamaguchi catches it in his own before it can fall between them.

"Tsukki" Yamaguchi brings Kei's pale hand up to his mouth and sucks at one of his knuckles, and Kei can't keep his eyes off of him.

"Tsukki, I love you, I love you, Tsukki."

Kei closes his fingers around Yamaguchi's hand and comes.


The next day they walk to school together like they always do, and when Yamaguchi says good morning he reaches for Kei's hand.

It's a good change.