Chapter Text
He was very aware these were probably his last days, his last hours. When Regulus had made up his mind this time, he had made it up for good. This once he wasn't going to back down and it wouldn't be because he was too scared to do otherwise. Not like the last time he had made a leap like the one he was preparing to make, the kind of leap that makes or breaks your future. Last time, it had involved mad men and burning black ink and cowardice. Not this time. No, not again. This time he'd go forward on his own two feet, of his own accord, into the dark.
Somehow, Regulus felt he should take strength from his decision. And he couldn't and it made him feel like a coward, like Sirius had often called him. It left a bitter taste in his mouth. He was going to take a step that Sirius wasn't and his brother would either never know or never believe it.
Somehow, Regulus felt he should find a way to enjoy these last days, the last days he would ever see the sun, would ever feel the wind on his skin, the last days he would hold his wand. Felt like he should get shitfaced drunk and find a girl for the night. He couldn't. He could barely hold anything down, and his nerves never quit jangling in his head, in his hands, in his feet. Regulus thought he'd fall apart, leave his fingers on a table, leave his legs on a chair, leave his eyes on a pillow if he stopped moving, even to sleep.
He was aware of the looks his mother had been giving him. His decision had lent him new clarity and Regulus saw with new eyes. If this was it, if this was the end, then shouldn't he see for once? Shadowy veils between him and the rest of the world had no place here, not when his days were numbered, when he could count the hours, minutes, seconds, between him and his suicide mission. Regulus read those looks; she was worried about him, and wanted to...reach out. Regulus supposed that was the right word for it. He saw her clench her hands, saw her stop herself from touching him, saw the little frown on her face. Her uncertainty was palpable, thick and heavy in the air when they were in the same room. Dad was gone, Sirius wasn't to be spoken of...he was all she had left.
He wanted to reassure her, sooth her fears for the moment, lie to her, tell her he was ok and that she shouldn't be worried. He didn't want her to hurt. For all that she was Mother, she was his mother. Dad was gone, Sirius wasn't to be spoken of...she was all he had left. Regulus didn't want to be another source of heartache. It was inevitable, but a falsehood, a lie, an untruth, would end the worry, the pain, for a while. At least that way, she would know that he had cared about her, cared enough about her pain to lie.
The abyss yawned as the days crept by, deep and black and watery, and he stood on the very edge. He wasn't certain if there was land or air beneath his feet, whether or not He Who Must Not Be Named knew yet, or whether his little suicide mission would even make a difference. At dawn, he squared his shoulders and called Kreacher. Today was the day. It was now or never.