Work Text:
In his never-ending time spent watching the world because the world is better than cable, the Devil has seen many different strategies for coping with his presence. God likes to pretend that he is the one in charge, because he is bossy and also kind of a douchebag. T-Rex acts like that sometimes, too, but he's more fun because he always loses arguments in the end (unlike God, who can just change whatever they are arguing about so that he wins because he is a douchebag and also cheats). A lot of people deal by being really, really afraid, and others fall down in abject worship. Jesus just challenged him to Guitar Hero and took his loss gracefully, because unlike his father, Jesus does not cheat, and is actually a really cool guy. He hangs out with the Devil to annoy his dad. T-Rex's friends pretend the Devil isn't there, which is the most annoying way of all.
Dromiceiomimus obviously knows he is there because she knows everything and the Devil would really like to ask her how she does this. The problem with asking her is that, of course, she pretends that she does not know he is there. That's a pretty common strategy with a lot of different people (people being a relative term, of course, because while the Devil is many things he is not a speciesist, who do you think he is, God? When the Devil says 'people' he actually means 'people and dinosaurs and elephants and basically everyone else besides God'), and it is really, really irritating. Utahraptor does the same thing, actually, and that gets especially annoying because he has been trying to get T-Rex to introduce him to Utahraptor for what seems like forever.
See, it's pretty rare to come across someone T-Rex talks to who is not an idiot, because most people (and again, by that he means 'people and dinosaurs and elephants and basically everyone else besides God,' but that gets really tiring to say or even write out after awhile!) who are not idiots get tired of arguing with T-Rex. The Devil is pretty sure that T-Rex knows this, and that's why he refuses to introduce him to Utahraptor or even Dromiceiomimus: they would realize that the Devil was a much better conversationalist than T-Rex and immediately leave him to become friends with the Devil instead. The Devil actually tells T-Rex this one day, because he is, after all, the Devil. He occasionally gets the urge to torment people and teach them exactly why he is in charge of Hell.
"That is not very nice!" T-Rex makes a flailing motion with his tiny, impotent arms, and that's another reason the Devil would rather be friends with Utahraptor: useful forelimbs are always better for getting up to hijinks, especially forelimbs with crazy wicked claws on them.
"T-Rex, I am the Devil," the Devil explains patiently. The Devil does not actually speak in a booming voice that must be represented in all capital letters, you see; that is merely how T-Rex's walnut-sized brain copes with the majesty of the Devil's words. "I am the embodiment of evil. Of course I am not nice."
"But are you really the embodiment of evil?" T-Rex asks him. "You could be merely an allegory for atheism and the need to look out for oneself instead of to a higher power!"
"I feel like you are fundamentally misunderstanding Anton LeVay, T-Rex," Dromiceiomimus says, and she is surprisingly astute for someone who has only heard half of the conversation. She knows everything, and someday the Devil will find out how she does this. Then he will use this knowledge to annoy God, or possibly to play Mario Kart with Utahraptor.
"Nobody understands me!" T-Rex laments, because he is a drama queen.
"Now you know how Anton LeVay must feel," Utahraptor says. "Or possibly Satan! I'm not sure which one is being misunderstood more there."
"I am feeling very misunderstood!" The Devil agrees, but of course neither Dromiceiomimus nor Utahraptor says anything in acknowledgement. They are very good at coping with the presence of pure, unadulterated evil in their world. It does nothing to shake their worldview that they are the car-crushing, village-menacing top of the food chain. It's actually pretty admirable!
"So you are misunderstood and not evil, like the hero of an adolescent romance novel!" T-Rex is back on familiar ground, though the Devil is not sure whether or not he can keep talking to a guy who has just admitted he reads adolescent romance novels. If he compares anyone to a sparkly vampire then the Devil is leaving and possibly also starting an apocalypse.
"If you compare me to a sparkly vampire I am leaving and also possibly starting an apocalypse," the Devil says, because it is always best to warn T-Rex not to do something you don't actually want him to do.
T-Rex, however, is busy talking to Utahraptor about his date with some guy named Velociraptor who is apparently very colorful and feathery but also apparently very high maintenance. The Devil does not find it surprising that Utahraptor would date someone like that, considering that his best friend is T-Rex and T-Rex is the very definition of high maintenance. He needs more assurance than some girlfriends the Devil has had, and the Devil has definitely had more girlfriends than anyone else in existence. So the chances are good that T-Rex did not actually listen to the Devil's warning and will in fact begin their next conversation by comparing the Devil to an overly romanticized mythological creature written for an adolescent girl's fantasy, and while the Devil is actually kind of okay with that when it is phrased that way he is sure that T-Rex will not be nearly so flattering.
Since he knows he will probably have to use it—God gets really insufferable when the Devil makes threats like that and then does not follow through!—the Devil decides to go ahead and use his afternoon the plan the can of apocalyptic whoop-ass he will be unleashing upon the people (and by people he actually means dinosaurs) of the world. It will involve lava falling from the sky, rivers of blood, and possibly also a lot of girls dancing on the hoods of cars. It will, in short, be totally awesome.
***
In the end, the Devil does not get to unleash his apocalypse. When he next sees T-Rex, T-Rex has completely forgotten about any comparisons to adolescent romance heroes and is instead plotting how he will make money in today's tough economic climate. Dromiceiomimus and Utahraptor have both given him solid advice and he is lamenting to the unlistening void that he does not want to follow their advice because it is hard. In short, it is just like every other conversation that T-Rex has when the Devil is not talking to him.
"Man, that guy is such a jerk," the Devil says as T-Rex stomps off to terrorize the small people who live near Dromiceiomimus.
"Yeah, he kind of is," Utahraptor says, and if it were possible for someone as both omnipotent and smooth as the Devil to have choked, he would have. "Aren't you the Devil, though? You're supposed to like people who do stupid things like ignore good advice!"
"I like them when they don't do it so loudly," the Devil says. "You have to admit, T-Rex is kind of a noisy guy when he's talking to himself."
"That's true," Utahraptor has to concede.
"Utahraptor, Dromiceiomimus is calling me names!" T-Rex shouts from where he is chasing small people.
"T-Rex, I am kind of busy talking to the Devil here," Utahraptor says.
"...so how was your date with Velociraptor?" the Devil asks, because not even beings of ultimate evil are masters of the fine art of jive talk. He has to work with what he has here, which is admittedly not very much because T-Rex mostly talks about himself and forces other people to talk about him, too. 'Likes good video games' and 'went on a date with Velociraptor' are about the only facts the Devil actually really knows about Utahraptor, he is rather ashamed to realize.
"T-Rex showed up and wanted our opinions on his stock portfolio, and it went downhill from there. He thinks that Velociraptor is too prominent in my life, and he's jealous." A shrug is a very entertaining thing when it is done by a raptor with two crazy wicked claws. And by entertaining, the Devil actually means totally awesome. "I'm going to head over here and eat some more corn before T-Rex comes back and starts asking how to spice up his love life or something. You can come, if you want."
"Okay, sure," the Devil says.
"Utahraptor, what's the scientific name for a gray squirrel?" It's T-Rex again.
"I am also having an apocalypse soon," the Devil continues conversationally. "You can come, if you want."
"Okay, sure," Utahraptor says.
***
Planning an apocalypse with Utahraptor turns out to be a far more intellectually challenging pursuit than any of the other various planning sessions the Devil has ever participated in. When he meets with his Demon Princes of Hell, the Devil is in charge and no one challenges his ideas. Utahraptor, being a dinosaur rather than a Demon Prince of Hell, is not afraid to tell him when his ideas could be improved, which is a big step above Baal and Astaroth and their sucking up.
"I also think you should leave out the women dancing on the hoods of cars," Utahraptor says.
"But that is what makes the apocalypse metal," Astaroth says.
"That is what makes the apocalypse misogynistic," Utahraptor corrects. "It is possible to be very metal without degrading women! Just get some more lava and play the music even louder. Also, more rivers of blood would help, and also probably a giant glacier bearing down upon the world. Possibly while on fire."
Utahraptor is a genius. He is such a genius, in fact, that the Devil sends Astaroth and Baal back to the pits whence they came, until the time comes that he needs their manual labor to drag the flaming glacier down from the polar icecap.
"Why are we having an apocalypse, again?" Utahraptor asks when they're gone.
"Because the time has come for me to scourge the world once again and destroy those who are good and righteous and also T-Rex," the Devil says. He loves giving that speech.
"I don't actually want to kill T-Rex, you know," Utahraptor says. "When you said you were having an apocalypse, I thought maybe you just meant a really metal party. Possibly with some games that are too hard for T-Rex and maybe even some beer if everyone was feeling dangerous."
"Utahraptor, I am the Devil," the Devil says. "I am the embodiment of evil!"
"Are you, really?" Utahraptor asks. He points one of his crazy wicked claws at the Devil. "You could be merely an allegory for atheism and the need to look out for oneself instead of looking to a higher power!"
"Utahraptor," the Devil says coldly, "I feel like you are fundamentally misunderstanding Anton LeVay, and you should leave now."
***
In the end, the Devil decides not to have his apocalypse mostly because he doesn't actually want to kill T-Rex. If the past few days have taught him anything, it's the value of having a friend who will slavishly agree with anything you say because his brain is the size of a walnut. Even if said friend doesn't have crazy wicked claws or really great ideas for lighting glaciers on fire.
"I heard that Utahraptor got back together with Velociraptor!" T-Rex crows out for the entire world to hear. "Man, I hate that Velociraptor!"
"Are you sure you aren't just projecting your feelings of abandonment because your best friend may have found a meaningful relationship, T-Rex?" Dromiceiomimus asks rather gently, and the Devil decides that she would probably also have strong feelings about scourging the entire world with fire.
Which is a shame, really, because she knows everything.