You’ll never see it on an infomercial.
You’ll never see it sold in stores – in the As Seen On TV section.
But Andy Samberg and Justin Timberlake had the best Christmas Gift idea, ever!
A Dick In A Box.
Step 1: Cut a hole in a box
Step 2: Put your junk in that box
Step 3: Make her open the box -
and that's the way you do it!
Unfortunately, that brilliant idea landed them a five month sentence in the Brooklyn Detention Complex.
[Screenshot of Justin and Andy in a police station line up with five other men, all dressed about the same – black suits, brightly colored shirts, gold chains around their necks, sunglasses, facial hair... and each of them with a wrapped gift in front of their groins.]
[The detective asks everyone to turn to the side. As they all do, Andy’s box falls off, obviously for lack of support.]
[Screenshot of Justin and Andy in court – looking like deer caught in headlights. Each has their handcuffed hands covering over their crotch.]
Their lawyer – one Vinnie “The Fly” Monaco of Flatbush, New York – was able to get their sentence reduced from twelve counts of Indecent Exposure to just one count, each. But, just for shits and giggles, the judge threw in two counts of carrying concealed weapons.
[Screenshot of Justin and Andy – looking like deer caught in headlights - standing in bright orange prison uniforms in a lineup. Each has their handcuffed hands covering over their crotch.]
[A loud buzzer rings out, and they are escorted to their jail cells.]
Their moms come by for visits, every visitation day.
Justin’s mom brings him plenty of hair gel. She has to smuggle it in, though. The best way is to fill some hair gel in an empty bottle of K-Y Jelly.
The first time she tried, the prison guard found it. She explained how he needs it – you know, being a good looking guy in lock up and all. The guard let it slide on in, but only after she agrees to, too.
Andy’s mom is a little different. She always smuggles in baked goods of some kind.
She once tried stuffing some chocolate dipped canolis in her panties, but that day the guard decides to do an impromptu strip search. (She’s one lovely lady, after all!) The search turns up the creamy confections, which were confiscated and eaten on the spot.
From that day on, Andy’s mom always baked cookies.
[Scene opens with Justin Timberlake and Andy Samberg sitting on their cots in adjacent cells, apparently back to back. Justin is applying hair gel, while Andy pours himself a glass of milk.]
Cookies And MILF*
*MILF – Mother I’d Like to Fuck
Justin Timberlake: All alone here now
Sitting in my own jail cell
Andy Samberg: Word.
Justin Timberlake: It’s visitation day
I’m as horny as fucking hell
That guy across the hall?
[Shot of a guy - who looks surprisingly like Kanye West - puckering up]
Andy Samberg: Yeah?
Justin Timberlake: Blows me kisses every night
Andy Samberg: You know he ain’t your type
Justin Timberlake: Another month here? I just might.
Andy Samberg: What?
Justin Timberlake: Today's my lucky day
Andy Samberg: Why?
Justin Timberlake: Your mom is coming by.
[Shot of his mom handing out cookies from her panties to the security guards.]
Andy Samberg: I know it
She's bringing me some treats
Justin Timberlake: There’s one treat I'd like to try
Andy Samberg: You want some ginger snaps?
You want an oreo?
Justin Timberlake: I'd like your momma’s sweets -
The kind that comes from down below
Andy Samberg: Hey dog, what ya talking bout?
Some cookies from momma's oven?
Justin Timberlake: No man! I'd rather be
The Stay Puf’t man with your momma's lovin
Andy Samberg: My mom’s a real good cook
She’s an awesome little baker
Justin Timberlake: If she’d just visit me
I’d bend her over and I’d take her
Andy Samberg: She’ll bring cookies and
Some treats with any luck
Justin Timberlake: I’d prefer her cherry pie
‘Cause she's a mother I'd like to fuck!
[Switch scenes to Justin and Andy dancing in the Prison Exercise Yard, dressed as sexy Santas, with Santa Hats, red g-strings with white fuzz, and black boots.]
When Yuletide comes around
I don’t want no cookie
All I want for Christmas
- All I want! -
Is some of your momma’s nookie
[Fade back to jail cells]
Andy Samberg: You’re sayin what I think you’re saying?
Justin Timberlake: I’m thinking, you thought it too!
Andy Samberg: But dog, that’s my mother!
Justin Timberlake: Yeah, she’s a MILF I’d like to do.
You know she's piping hot,
Spread my icing ’tween her thighs
Andy Samberg: Damn!
Justin Timberlake: Run fingers through her cream
I can feel my dough rise
Andy Samberg: Now listen up, dog!
I know it’s been a while
Justin Timberlake: Word!
Andy Samberg: But that’s my momma there,
Don’t make her no pedophile!
Justin Timberlake: You know it’s not that way!
I’m a REAL big boy!
Andy Samberg: I’ve heard.
Justin Timberlake: I’ll roll your momma out
Give that MILF some Baker’s Joy!
Andy Samberg: A little shake and bake?
My mom - she could do you right
Justin Timberlake: Some lovin’ in her oven?
Andy Samberg: She’ll keep you warm every night.
Justin Timberlake: I’ll put my filling in
Cover it up with some sprinkles
And if she’s into it
Some water sports and some tinkles
Andy Samberg: Yo dog, you’ve gone too far!
Justin Timberlake: Man, I just wanna get laid
Andy Samberg: Milk milk lemonade?
Together: Yeah! Round the backdoor fudge is made!
[Fade to Justin and Andy, this time dancing on the tables in the prison cafeteria, dressed as sexy reindeer, with brown g-strings and little deer tails on their asses, and of course, reindeer antlers.]
When Yuletide comes around
Santa gets cookies and milk
But all I want for Christmas
- All I want! -
Is a plate of cookies and MILF!
Short closes with Justin and Andy eating a plate of cookies, with their moms kissing them on the cheeks.]