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Seriously, Don't Ask An Avenger

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When told of their new task, Thor beamed. "I welcome the opportunity to bestow my wisdom upon Midgardian supplicants."

Clint scowled. "This is stupid. I'm not writing some idiotic advice column. I'm the finest sniper on the planet, not fucking Dr. Phil." He crossed his arms and looked just past Cap's head – he'd learned that he could never win a direct staring contest with Captain America.

"It's supposed to be good publicity," said Steve, "which we need after the Bugle got that photograph of the Hulk trashing a playground."

Bruce looked appropriately abashed. There hadn't been any children present at the time, but the image of an Avenger wielding a swingset like a nunchuk had done little to endear his alter ego to the public eye.

"I don't write," said Clint, firmly.

"Then you can fingerpaint your answers," sniped Tony. "Those of us with more than a 4th grade education will take care of the rest."

"You're going along with this?" Clint's voice rose nearly an octave. "You don't really think it's a good idea, you just want to stay on your fuckbuddy's good side."

Tony gaped at Clint, dumbfounded, as if he had just asserted that water was wet.

"I think," said Natasha, speaking up for the first time since the subject had been broached, "that this will make us seem more human and approachable, which may be very helpful the next time we need to evacuate civilians from a combat zone." She tipped her head to the side. "Which, if current trends continue, will occur approximately once every one to two weeks."

Dear Avengers –

I am married and have three small children, ages 3, 5, and 9. My husband has been pushing for us to take a vacation without the kids. I'm worried about leaving them with a sitter, and I just don't think we can justify the expense of a trip that doesn't include the whole family, especially since our car has been making that ker-thumping sound again. What should we do?

Sincerely,

A.R.

Was it more of a "ker-chunk" or a "ker-thump"? You didn't mention the make and model of your car, but a ker-chunk sound tends to indicate there's something wrong with the fuel injector, whereas a ker-thump sound would be more indicative of alternator trouble. I suggest you pop the hood and check for any leaks along the fuel line; these can often be effectively patched with duct tape and high-strength glue. If it's the alternator, it will probably need to be replaced, but you can usually get a good deal at a salvage yard especially if you have an older model vehicle. Good luck, and thanks for Asking the Avengers.

Sincerely, Iron Man

After a day of reflection, Clint handed in his response, which looked and smelled as though it were written in grape jelly. It said simply, "You've got kids? Laaaaaame."

He's probably a Skrull. Kill him! Kill him!

Sincerely, Jessica Jones-Cage

Mayhap thine soulpartner's thoughts have turned carnal and he requests your exclusive attention that he may attend more fully to your shared marital pleasure and fulfill his duties as a husband. When lovemaking with my beloved Jane caused unrest among my shieldbretheren, soundproofing proved itself an excellent solution indeed. Perhaps you should consider the same.

Sincerely, Thor Odinson, God of Thunder

Hank Pym read the query briefly and said, "I don't think I'm qualified to give anyone marriage advice."

The soul of any strong relationship is compromise. Have you considered taking just a one-day vacation together and exploring the many wonderful sights available right here in New York City? I myself have spent many pleasant hours visiting the Statue of Liberty, the United States Courthouse on Foley Square, and the New York Public Library.

Sincerely, Captain America

Chapter Text

Dear Avengers,

I'm a lawyer at a small, storefront law office in Hell's Kitchen. One of my clients has recently informed me that he is guilty of a murder for which another man has been wrongly convicted. This innocent man is serving a lifetime sentence in prison, but I can't do anything to free him because of my responsibilities to my own client. What should I do? Should I break client confidentiality and go to the police? (Or maybe take justice into my own hands?)

Sincerely,
Joe Lawyer who is totally not a superhero

Dear Joe Lawyer,

Don't trust the fuzz, man. They'll stab you in the back.

Sincerely,

Luke Cage

Dear Joe Lawyer,

I think you should talk to your client and give him the opportunity to turn himself in and confess. Sometimes good people do bad things – maybe he didn't even mean for it to happen. Maybe he would be more than willing to take responsibility for the harm that was done if only someone would offer him the chance, treat him humanely, and

HULK NO LIKE BANNER'S ANSWER. HULK HAVE BETTER ANSWER. HULK SMASH PUNY PRISON. HULK SMASH REAL KILLER. HULK SMASH WHINY LAWYER.

Sincerely,

Bruce Banner, PhD

Dear Hulk,

The button you're looking for is just above the shift key. Turn it off, seriously. It's like you're shouting in my eyes.

Sincerely,

Black Widow

Dear Joe Lawyer,

I know it seems difficult to follow the law in these situations, but we live in a society of order and we can't live outside those laws without facing serious consequences. Society breaks down if we all just pursue our own goals as we see fit, even if those goals are supremely well intentioned.

Sincerely,

Captain America

Dear Captain America,

Seriously? You're advising against civil disobedience? I call hypocrisy. You've gone rogue more times than Sarah Palin with sneak attack dice.

Sincerely,

Iron Man

Dear "Joe",

It's obviously you, Matt. No wonder you got outed, man – you suck at keeping a secret identity. Look, you owe me money from last Thursday's poker game. We used the textured cards so you've got no excuse. Pay up, man.

Sincerely,

Hawkeye

Dear Avengers,

With all the hoodlums running around, my family is unsafe! How do I protect little Tommy and Alicia?

Sincerely,

J. K.

Dear J.K.,

Um, how about not printing their names in a public forum, dumbass? And why is it that all the women who write to us have kids? This blows.

Sincerely,

Hawkeye

Dear Hawkeye,

You can't call someone who writes to us a dumbass. Try being more constructive or I'll make you run laps at 5am every day for the next week.

Sincerely,

Captain America

Dear J.K.,

Okay, fine. My advice is that you take the law into your own hands and turn to vigilantism. I hear there's a deadbeat lawyer trying to drum up a posse, so maybe you should start there.

Sincerely,

Hawkeye

Dear J.K.,

I am unfamiliar with the term 'hoodlum', but if the running of your neighborhood denizens has endangered your progeny, perhaps one of the following suggestions will aid in enhancing your family's well-being. Firstly, thou may wish to make contact with an extraplanar being from the elemental plane of deceleration and bind its allegiance, thereby limiting the hoodlums' capacity to run. Secondly, thou ought contract with the dwarves of Nifelheim to provide yon Timmy and Alicia with stalwart armor to shield them from impact with the sprinting hoodlums. Lastly, hast thou considered training your offspring in the Midgardian art of taunting and dodging charging beasts with a simple crimson cape? While I understand the finest practitioners of this art reside in the nation of Spain, surely preliminary instruction can be obtained, perhaps by consulting the tome of Yellowed Pages.

Sincerely,

Thor Odinson, God of Thunder

Chapter Text

Dear Avengers,

My two children can never seem to be in the same room without fighting. I'm tired by the time I get home from work, and don't want to spend all night dealing with this. What do I do?

DG

Dear DG,

Sometimes siblings really need some time apart from each other, especially if one is really obsessive and intrusive and possessive and creepy and won't leave me and the Vision alone for ten freaking minutes!

Sincerely, Scarlet Witch

Dear DG,

I could shrink your kids down to the size of ants. Then the world would seem much more spacious from their perspective.

Sincerely, Hank Pym, PhD

Dear DG,

Don't listen to Hank. He's a real 'summer school valedictorian' if you know what I mean. Why would you take the advice of a guy who looked out over all of nature and thought, "You know what animals would really help me fight crime? Ants."

Down to brass tacks. If your kids are driving you crazy, you should know that Stark Industries offers a top-of-the-line array of shock collars. They're durable, waterproof, impact-resistant, available in a wide range of fashionable colors, and of course, come with SI's industry-standard money back guarantee. My dad used one on me and I turned out okay.

Sincerely, Iron Man

Dear Iron Man,

Wait, is that the collar you wear when we-

Sincerely, Captain America

Dear Captain America,

Do we really need to discuss this in a public forum, Steve?

Sincerely, Iron Man

Dear Avengers,

I really like this guy at school. I'm pretty sure he likes me back, but he hasn't asked me out. I'm thinking of asking him on a date myself, but I'm too scared. What should I do?

Sincerely,

Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

The unfettered romances of youth can be a source of both greatest joy and dearest heartbreak. I myself doted deeply upon a dawn goddess whose radiance was not unlike aluminum foil as it dances and sparkles in a microwave oven. (Iron Man has since kindly consented to instruct me in the proper use of said device.) I pursued her avidly only to discover that her countenance was but an illusion cast by the Enchantress Amora in the first of her many attempts to seize control of the Odinforce via my loins. Thus I pray you be not swayed by appearances, but rather the true visage of your desired mate.

Sincerely, Thor Odinson, God of Thunder

Dear Anonymous,

Um, I think what Thor's trying to say is that you should play it cool and keep your options open. You don't want to find yourself stuck with the first guy you meet only to later find out that what you thought was adorable shyness was actually crippling insecurity. Also, diagonal stripes are totally in this year, so you should definitely kick that up a notch.

Sincerely, The Wasp

Dear Anonymous,

The first thing you should do is check if he's a skrull. They're everywhere.

Sincerely, Jessica Jones-Cage

Dear Anonymous,

Guys respect a girl who has the confidence to show a little cleavage. Also, when you say school, are we talking middle school? High school? College? Because if you're eighteen, I'd be happy to-

Sincerely, Hawkeye

Dear Anonymous,

Hawkeye was just about to explain how he would be happy to recommend several good books which might give you some ideas on how to talk to boys when he was unexpectedly called away on important Avengers business.

Sincerely, Black Widow

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Dear Avengers,

There is trouble at work. Someone keeps stealing my labeled! lunch from the office fridge. When I don't eat I get angry. I've broken two staplers in the past week. What can I do to right this injustice and save office supplies from my wrath?

Rebel Without A Lunch

Dear RWAL,

O'Connell? Is that you?

Look, I don't care if someone kidnapped your lunch at gunpoint and made sweet love to it on your mother's grave. If you break another one of my staplers, there will be consequences, you hear me?

Sincerely, Nick Fury

Dear RWAL,

There are a number of easily-obtainable contact poisons which could be applied to your lunch container, thereby causing would-be thieves to suffer effects including pain, seizure, incontinence, and unconsciousness. I have used such methods on team members (read: Hawkeye) who persistently attempt to "borrow" my belongings (read: undergarments). The downside, of course, is that your lunch is then coated in poison and thus inedible. Another option is to impregnate your foodstuffs with a radioactive tracer. Once the thief ingests the purloined lunch, he can be tracked back to his hideout by means of a Geiger counter, whereupon you can deal with his larceny as you see fit.

Sincerely, Black Widow

Dear RWAL,

When I was your age, we sometimes went weeks without lunch. Uphill. In the snow. And when we did get lunch, it was mostly rocks and shoe leather. You need to quit your bellyaching and let's see some good ole' American work ethic. Hard, lunchless work is what made this country great.

Sincerely, Captain America

Dear RWAL,

Um, I'm not an Avenger, but it seems like the really easy solution hear is to just keep your lunch at your desk.

Sincerely, Darcy Lewis

P.S. Thor wants me to add that PopTarts are "an incomparably delicious foodstuff" which can be "kept in prime condition for many generations, stalwart against the forces of staleness." So, you know, I guess you might want to consider that.

Dear Avengers,

I lost my job because my boss is a jerk. Possibly, he is also a gunrunner, but he said I was lucky not to get kneecapped for asking, and I don't have any hard proof.

Anyway, I really need some money. Or a new job, I guess, but it's not like I'll get a good reference now. Any advice would be appreciated.

Sincerely,

Out of Work in New York

P.S. Are you hiring? Please see my attached resume. I have great work ethic and experience keeping calm in dangerous situations.

Dear OWNY,

I know making money by being a human guinea pig sounds like a good idea and we make it look glamorous, but it's really not worth it. First of all, fewer than 1% of test subjects get superpowers. The other 99% get leukemia or kidney failure or some crap like that. Secondly, even if you get the superpowers, it's not all it's cracked up to be – do you know how long it takes me to get through airport security?

Trust me on this one. Stick with stable money-making schemes like selling your blood plasma. I hear there's a place on 3rd street that pays 12 bucks a pint.

Sincerely, Wolverine

P.S. I took a look at your resume and I don't know what a "Sandwich Artist" is, but I'm pretty sure we don't need one.

Dear OWNY,

I actually think we could use a Sandwich Artist, assuming you can meet three criteria:

1) You know how you make good use of avocado and thin-sliced proscuttio.

2) You're willing to get up and make me a damn good sandwich whenever I ask, even if it's 3am, the building is on fire, and Hydra is attacking the Museum of Modern Art.

3) You make a sandwich or two and deliver them to the guy in the first question. What can I say? I feel bad for him.

Sincerely, Iron Man

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Dear Avengers,

I'm having a hard time finding a boyfriend. I've had a few guys ask me out, but they're all really clingy, and I like a guy that actually has parts of his life that are separate from mine. How do I attract a strong, independent guy?

Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

You need the patented Tony Stark Three-Step Solution.

Step One: Develop a powerful and heroic secret alter ego that tough, independent men can confide in.

Step Two: Meanwhile, in your regular personality, develop a crippling substance addiction.

Step Three: Profit. (Because for me, every plan ends in profit.)

Sincerely, Iron Man

Dear Anonymous,

I'm not sure I'd recommend becoming an alcoholic just to attract a romantic partner, but having a secret alternate identity does seem to help. Sort of.

Sincerely, Spiderman

Dear Anonymous,

The problem with "strong, independent guys" is that they don't come to you. They're all afraid of powerful women. They think they can just smile and save the universe and then dissolve into an ionic mist or disappear into the galactic ether and never call you again. They just want helpless little princesses who will pine for them all day long. Save yourself the trouble and buy a vibrator.

Sincerely, Ms. Marvel

Dear Avengers,

I would like to ask why I'm never invited to join your main roster, when you let bafoons like Parker and former criminals like Clint join? Why always c-list side teams no one knows about. Is it the fact I keep my mortal enemy's face as a trophy? The weapons? The Hood? The fact I'm devoted enough to my god Khonshu I dress up like the moon and beat criminals half to death? Or is it because I was raised Jewish?

Sincerely, You know who.

Dear You Know Who,

Or maybe, it's because you have this obnoxious habit of sending us little passive aggressive notes. Honestly, if I woke up to find one more Post-it reminding me to take out the trash or turn down my music, I was going to punch your smug little face into the ground.

Sincerely, One of the Real Avengers

P.S. Suck it.

Dear Avengers -

If you had a choice between being James T. Kirk, Spock, or Leonard "Bones" McCoy, which would you choose?

Kirk. He gets all the alien ladies and that cool chair.

Sincerely, Iron Man

Sir Tiberius Kirk is clearly the finest example of Midgardian spacemanship that I have yet encountered.

Sincerely, Thor

Kirk. The other two suck balls.

Sincerely, Hawkeye

Now do you see why it's so difficult to lead these people? Too many chiefs, not enough Indians. Wait, are people still allowed to say that?

Sincerely, Captain America

Sorry I'm late. Is Chekhov taken?

Sincerely, Hank Pym

Chapter Text

Dear Avengers,

I recently found out that my car insurance does not cover "super-human damage" of any sort without the purchase of a separate policy. Given that I live in New York, would you recommend the extra expense?

Sincerely, MadroxMR

Dear MadroxMR,

Oh dear God, yes.

Sincerely, Bruce Banner

Dear MadroxMR,

Mine alter ego Donald Blake hath faced similar discriminatory policies when facing the Lords of Indemnification which appear to rule this realm when he discovered that "acts of God" were explicitly excluded from coverage. This presented a problem as he would oft act as the earthly incarnation of my deific presence. To aid in resolving this plight, I contacted the business's department of Midgardian mortal resources, only to find that my devious and tricksome brother had bewitched the underwriters. Thus, I bested him in glorious combat and Blake's financial security was once again assured.

Loki's machinations may be behind your conundrum as well. I suggest surrounding your car with a ring of finely shaven silver to delay his egress.

Sincerely, Thor Odinson

Dear Thor,

Mortal metals will not stop me. You're thinking of werewolves.

Sincerely, Loki

Dear Loki,

Brother! It makes my heart glad to read thine words once more. You are right; I do often think of werewolves! Let us join forces and aid this mortal in his struggle against coverage limits and/or lycanthropy!

Sincerely, Thor Odinson

Dear Thor,

No.

Sincerely, Loki

Dear Avengers,

I am not sure whether to take up karate lesson or flower arranging lesson. Which do you think would be better, for a girl who has half boyish and half girly personality?

Sincerely,

Iron Rose Flower

P.S. Is Hawkeye dating Agent Coulson (Super Secret Agent Man)? If they are, that would be so cute. ^_^

Dear Iron Rose Flower,

No, Agent Coulson and I are not dating, though I can say that he is a handsome and personable fellow without feeling any threat whatsoever to my heterosexuality.

With regard to choosing a new hobby, the important thing is to follow your heart. Pick the activity that you think you will most enjoy and you're well on your way to becoming a confident and well-rounded person.

Sincerely, Hawkeye

Dear Hawkeye,

YOU'RE A SKRULL! I'M ON TO YOU!

Sincerely, Jessica Cage

Dear Iron Rose Flower,

Some people think that karate makes you tough. It doesn't. I speak from experience.

Flower arranging sounds like a hoot and a half, though. Not only will you get to expand your knowledge of flora, you will probably get to meet more than a few six-legged friends stuck onto your flowers! I say, go for it!

Sincerely, Hank Pym, PhD

Dear Hank,

Yeah, I don't think that the promise of beetles is really going to entice young women to take up botany.

Sincerely, Every Woman Everywhere

Dear Ms. Marvel,

I know you've gotten yourself some kind of super-Kree powers or whatnot, but that does not make you authorized to speak for every woman everywhere. Some girls like insects.

Sincerely, Spider Woman

Dear Spider Woman,

Spiders aren't insects. Dumbass.

Sincerely, Ms. Marvel

Dear Avengers,

Doesn't anybody care that Hawkeye has been replaced with a SKRULL?

Sincerely, Jessica Cage

Dear Jessica Cage,

Nah, you know what? I think we're just going to let this one play out.

Sincerely, Any Avenger Who Has Ever Had Hawkeye Drop a Water Balloon Full of Jello on Them from 500 Feet Up