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The Final Cut

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He should have known. Should have been able to figure it out. It was only a matter of some probability calculations of complex variables. It certainly shouldn’t have been beyond him to determine. After all, he had never really had difficulties before. Sure some problems were complicated, but he usually got it in the end. This though, he could make no head way with despite the time he had devoted to it. It was the one problem he could never begin to understand. Himself. He just couldn’t figure out what had gotten him to this point. What cause and effects had brought him to this decision, this action. For all his genius, he had always had problems understanding human behavior himself included. It had started so simply, with a single cut years ago. How had it progressed to this?

What variables had really contributed to this endpoint? Realizing as a child just how different and isolated he was? Trying to maintain his sanity in the face of constant data and calculations pouring into his brain like so much white noise? Living with the knowledge that the brother he idolized hated him? That his mother was the only one in the world who really understood him? Dealing with the loss of her support and unconditional love upon her death? The constant fear that his brother would once again leave and abandon him to his isolation? Or the moment over a decade ago when he realized that he had fallen hopelessly in love with his own brother?

Regardless it was much too late for such questions. Much too late to look back. To wonder how he had gotten to this moment. And in truth he no longer cared. For he had finally lost the one thing he couldn’t live without. The one thing that had never deserted him, never betrayed him or let him down. He had finally lost his numbers, his precious math that had seen him through all of life’s ups and downs. That had kept him sane even at a price.

No, it was too late and in truth he couldn’t really regret his actions. Couldn’t really see any other choice in his situation. He had made up his mind, and this was the course of action he was sticking with. Thinking thusly, he drew the blade across his skin for the final time and watched as his life’s blood dripped darkly down to the tiled floor.