If Kiryuu Zero and Kuran Kaname are standing outside the Moon Dorm, throwing childish insults at each other with ridiculous snarling expressions, there’s probably something slightly wrong.
If Kiryuu Zero and Kuran Kaname are standing outside the Moon Dorm, throwing childish insults at each other with ridiculous snarling expressions, and it’s the most interesting thing to look at, there’s probably something very wrong.
None of the Night Class bother to think about that for more than half a second. It’s been a boring week, and even over-privileged vampires need entertainment once in a while.
Kaname’s standing there with his hands on his hips, and they’ll tease him later about how much of a drama queen he is. (They’ll not tell him how well he pulls it off.)
“You can just go and shoot yourself in the face,” he says, drawing himself up to his full one-inch-taller-than-Kiryuu. “Do the world a favour.”
The violence in his tone is quite alarming, like he actually means it. Yet another reason not to get on his bad side (unless of course you’re Aidou, because you’re an idiot; or you’re Kain, and can’t do anything about it).
“Yeah?” Kiryuu gives his best threatening glare, and it would probably work were it not Kaname he was talking to, Kaname who’s got an ego this big and doesn’t think what Kiryuu says is worth much at all. “Then you can go slap yourself around the face with your tiny, girly hands.”
And he turns and walks away with the finality that all the vampire hunters have, the always-want-the-last-word one.
There’s a few moments’ silence; everything suspends to give the Night Class a chance to consider what just happened, and to wonder what it meant. This is very strange, even for them.
Then Kaname comes back inside, looking at his hands with a slightly hilarious expression on his face. “I don’t understand,” he says slowly. “My hands aren’t tiny.”
“They are girly though,” Ichijou points out.
Kaname manages to glare at him for precisely two seconds, before the confusion reclaims his face. “But they’re not small,” he says again. “What the hell did he mean?” He looks genuinely troubled, as if this lack of knowledge is actually causing him pain. None of them can tell. It just might be.
“He thinks you’ve got a small dick.”
Everyone whirls round simultaneously, and looks at Rima with exactly the same expression. She just sits there in the middle of the couch, legs tucked under her like the innocent child she is not.
Rima shrugs, flips a page in her magazine. “It’s a human thing. You know how vampires think we can guess the size of a guy’s reproductive organs,” she says with a bit more tact, “by looking at the size of his fangs?”
Everyone says something along the lines of “Yeah…”
“Humans look at the hands.” Rima shrugs again. “It’s weird. Humans are weird.”
Humans are beyond weird, but that’s not quite the point.
They all subsequently turn back to Kaname, because they’re all morbidly curious as to how this revelation has affected him. Because clearly he cares what Kiryuu thinks.
“My hands aren’t small,” he repeats, and, still staring at them like he’s expecting something to happen, goes to the staircase.
But it’s not his hands anyone’s concerned with. This is the Night Class. If there’s something to find out, they’ll find it out before you can tell them that it’s really none of their business.
“Wait,” Rima says, getting up off the couch and walking towards the Most Revered Dorm Leader, Sir. “We’re not done with you.”
He looks almost scared. It’s cute.
Rima looks right up at him. “Could you open your mouth and extend your fangs for us, please?” she asks as sweetly as she can, putting on her best innocent face.
Kaname looks for some reason hesitant. Probably he’s got something to hide.
“Think of Kiryuu,” Rima says. “How much you hate him and wish you could shoot him in the face yourself.”
“Kiryuu,” Kaname snarls. “I’ll kill him.”
“Of course you will,” Rima says. “Don’t move.”
She reaches up and puts a finger in his mouth, pushing his top lip back so as to see his teeth better. Everyone leans forward to have a look, their curiosity ignited. This will be weeks’ worth of gossip.
They’re not quite sure what exactly they were expecting from Kaname’s fangs, but they weren’t surprised with what they got.
Huge. Massive. Enormous. Every other synonym of ‘big’ they can think of.
Only to be expected, with the purebloods’ advanced vampirism and all that stuff Kaname’s always talking about when he’s on a superiority kick. His teeth are the kind which scare even nobles, but then that’s the point.
“Well, that’s that settled,” Rima says, taking her finger off Kaname’s lip and going back to the couch. “I don’t see what you’re so worried about.”
“I’m not worried about anything,” Kaname mutters, and goes up to his room. They don’t see him for the rest of the day.
All the better. It’s a lot easier for Rima to go round and be inappropriate this way.
“I can’t see anything,” Rima says, moving back and shaking her head. “You should probably get that checked out.”
Aidou scowls at her, his mouth now firmly closed.
Rima sweet-talked him into getting his fangs out by telling him she was doing an experiment, made up something about ratio of most-of-the-time fang length to give-me-blood-now fang length. He told her the whole thing was terribly unscientific, because she wasn’t exactly measuring with anything, but complied anyway because he’s Aidou and he’s easy to order around.
Rima is very interested in this fang-size business. It’s one of those things that you sneakily check out when you meet someone, just because it’s something to know. But she’s realised that she’s never noticed the size of any of the Night Class boys’ fangs, because it’s them, and she doesn’t exactly want to know. But really, who can resist a bit of investigation?
And so she’s on a mission. A slightly weird, prying, more-than-a-bit-inappropriate mission; but she feels it’s a worthy cause. One must know these things about the people one lives with, after all.
Especially after Kaname’s, Aidou’s fangs are not much to speak of. In fact they are merely average.
“I’m disappointed,” Rima calls to him as he leaves. “You’re a noble. You’re Aidou. We all expected slightly better of you.”
He just ignores her.
She’d probably ignore her too.
The next person Rima gets to is Ichijou. He is of course very willing to indulge her curiosity, disgustingly lovely person that he is. Rima’s got no idea how he manages to extend his fangs in the first place, seeing as “bloodlust” does not appear to be in his vocabulary; and she doesn’t think she wants to know.
It happens somehow, though, and Rima just stands there and blinks.
For those of someone who’s so non-threatening, and un-vampiric, and nice, Ichijou’s fangs are surprisingly big. As such that in the right situation it’d be positively terrifying.
Ichijou can, as always, make a very good guess as to what Rima’s thinking.
“What, you thought I’d have useless little I’m-a-nice-person fangs?” he asks. “I’m hurt.”
Rima gives him the evils. “Drama queen.”
He just smiles at her. “I’m terribly sorry if I’ve scared you, Rima,” he says, looking like butter wouldn’t melt. “But you did ask.”
She guesses she did. But it’s just weird. Everyone else will be fascinated.
He’s looking at her now with inquisition in his eyes, quizzical like he’s going to ask something. She just looks back at him. This happens a lot.
“I think it’s only fair,” he says—here we go—“that I get to size up your fangs too.”
Rima can’t help but laugh out loud. He probably couldn’t get any more mental, could he?
“That’s got nothing to do with anything,” she says. “Girls’ fangs are supposed to be delicate and non-threatening. Which mine are.” (They are.)
He tilts his head. “True. I suppose fangs are blatant phallic symbology, aren’t they?”
Rima sighs—that’s the idea of the whole thing. She tells him so.
He shrugs, and goes to see if he can talk to Kaname without having pillows thrown at his head.
Rima’s sitting on her bed, finishing homework, when Shiki comes in and sits next to her. He’s probably done it already and is looking for some way to occupy his time.
Rima, as usual, has a better idea. She reaches up and puts her first two fingers on Shiki’s lips, and it may well seem like she’s suggesting something (she might be), but Shiki is as always sceptical, and just looks at her.
“Open your mouth,” Rima says, with her no-nonsense expression on.
Shiki opens his mouth, just a little.
“Properly.” Rima sighs. “You’re useless. And get your fangs out.”
Shiki gives her the ‘oh, please’ look. “You could have just said that, you know.” The evil grin steals across his face, and with it his fangs extend. He’s all but made his eyes flash red.
Rima of course already knows exactly how big Shiki’s fangs are, being rather well acquainted with them; but she may as well have a look now that she’s seen everybody else’s, almost.
They are, comparative to most, quite small. Were this anyone but Shiki, they’d be mocked about it for the rest of their life; but this is Shiki and he’s just small in general, so it’s not like it’s illogical.
(Shiki is the reason that Rima doesn’t buy into the theory about fang size apparently correlating to something. But that’s not for anyone else to know about.)
And now there’s only one person left, or at least only one person left that anyone’s concerned with.
And presently Rima will turn this experiment into a competition, and someone will win. There’s of course no prize save for bragging rights, but those are decent bragging rights to have. (As it stands Kaname’s in front, but Rima doesn’t want him to win—his ego is already ridiculously inflated and the smugness will follow him around for weeks. This is her last hope.)
Rima comes down the stairs to find everyone sitting on the couches; she sits next to Ruka and very un-surreptitiously looks straight at Kain, narrowing her eyes as if she’s unimpressed with him. She hopes she’ll have no reason to feel as such.
Kain just looks back at her, as calm and unconcerned as always. There’s really no point in trying to stare him down, Rima decides, especially as he knows exactly what she’s after and can choose to ignore her as long as he likes (probably just can’t be bothered. Lazy).
So Rima looks away, settling for cornering him later; but the next minute she sees him yawn, and out of the corner of her eye catches a glimpse, and so gets up, walks over and stands in front of him.
He gives her the same expression again. She leans forward this time, hands on her hips like it’s serious business. (It obviously is.)
“Can I help you?” he asks.
Rima sighs at him. He’s only slightly less annoying than Aidou, isn’t he?
“Can I see your fangs, please? I’m doing an experiment,” Rima says. She assumes he’d do it anyway, but what the heck. It sounds cleverer this way.
“Figures,” he says, and obliges.
Rima catches herself in the split-second before she takes a step back. She makes a frantic mental note never to make Kain mad, because holy crap.
These are the biggest fangs that probably ever existed. Rima can tell that everyone else is probably thinking the same thing—either that or they’re insanely jealous.
Okay, so Kain wins.
“Can I close my mouth now?” he asks with his teeth still bared.
Rima leans back. “If you want.” It can’t have been fun with everyone staring at him, really.
They’re still staring at him, though. Rima supposes that this is because of the fangs, rather than because they’re surprised—everyone most likely expected this from him—he is after all Kain Akatsuki, widely regarded to be the most masculine vampire this side of the aristocracy.
It’s still a pretty good point of conversation; Kain takes out the title, and it doesn’t seem to affect his ego in the slightest. (He’s already got a kind of quiet confidence, which may or may not stem from the knowledge that he can scare entire rooms full of people with his teeth.)
It’s fair enough.
A few days later, and the whole thing is largely forgotten—except for on the part of Kaname, who’s been incurably sullen since the argument with Kiryuu. They all sit there wondering out loud what his problem could possibly be; and then Ichijou has what he calls a revelation. He tells them what occurred to him with an evil smile on his face, and there’s immediate mutual agreement that it makes perfect sense.
They sneakily check it out the next time they get a chance, and wander back to the Moon Dorm nodding to themselves. Ichijou was right.
Kiryuu’s fangs are bigger than Kaname’s.