Chapter Text
Paranormal Consultion: Season 1
Episode 1: Lauriston Gardens
Featuring
Senior Investigator Greg Lestrade
Senior Investigator Sherlock Holmes
Junior Investigator Sally Donovan
Junior Investigator Molly Hooper
Case Specialist John Watson
IT Specialist Jim Moriarty
Exterior: Paranormal Consultation Offices
Daylight
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Interior: Paranormal Consultation Offices
Greg’s Office
Text reads: GREGORY LESTRADE, SENIOR INVESTIGATOR
GREG: It was this or a shotgun wedding.
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Interior: Paranormal Consultation Offices
Front Office
Text reads: JOHN WATSON, CASE SPECIALIST and SALLY DONOVAN, JUNIOR INVESTIGATOR
JOHN: Basically, we’re ghost hunters. Except that only Greg believes in ghosts.
SALLY: I believe in ghosts. So do Molly and Jim.
JOHN: Molly believes in ghosts because she doesn’t want Greg to feel bad, and you and Jim believe in them because Sherlock doesn’t.
SALLY: Well?
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JOHN: I’m the case specialist. I interview our potential clients and research their stories.
SALLY: And he snogs the Boss when it gets boring.
JOHN: Shut up; you’re jealous.
SALLY: You shut up.
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Interior: Paranormal Consultation Offices
Jim’s Office
Text reads: JIM MORIARTY, IT SPECIALIST and MOLLY HOOPER, JUNIOR INVESTIGATOR
JIM: IT Specialist. I keep the website running, despite Sherly’s best attempts at sabotage.
MOLLY: He also sets up the equipment at the sites. I help.
JIM: I wish you wouldn’t.
MOLLY: (pats Jim’s shoulder) You can’t do it all yourself.
JIM: I could.
MOLLY: Jim.
JIM: If someone would just let me shank Sherlock already.
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Interior: Paranormal Consultation Offices
Greg’s Office
Text reads: SHERLOCK HOLMES, SENIOR INVESTIGATOR
SHERLOCK: There is no scientific proof for so-called ghosts. Among leading theories for the reality behind so-called apparitions and so-called hauntings--
GREG: Enough with the so-calleds, all right?
SHERLOCK: No. Among leading theories for the effects detailed in so-called hauntings is infrasound, sound waves in frequencies below twenty hertz and therefore below the range of human hearing. Infrasound can cause blurred vision, which explains apparitions, and emotional discomfort or fear.
GREG: Sherlock can cause all the same things on his own.
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GREG: We investigate hauntings.
SHERLOCK: So-called.
GREG: (sighs) Sherlock.
SHERLOCK: Well, you haven’t any proof of ghosts yet, have you?
GREG: (loud) John asked me out!
SHERLOCK: (stammers) What--I didn’t--why would you--
GREG: (stands up) Stop acting like a tit and let’s go investigate something. For fuck’s sake. (walks out of shot)
SHERLOCK: I’m bringing white.
GREG: (off camera) Fuck you, too.
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SHERLOCK: So. You two.
WILL: (off camera, poor sound quality) Us?
SHERLOCK: Obviously! (pause) Do you. Date?
LUKE: (off camera, poor sound quality) Sorry, mate. Got a girlfriend.
SHERLOCK: I wasn’t asking you out!
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Interior: Paranormal Consultation Offices
Front Office
JOHN: I was--am, I am a doctor. I just. I was in the army. And. Well, I got shot.
SALLY: And then you moved in with Sherlock Holmes. Must have made the wound seem less painful by comparison.
JOHN: Maybe a little.
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SALLY: Banking. It’s horrible, and the hours are terrible, but the pay’s all right.
JOHN: Practical.
SALLY: So?
JOHN: How’d you get into this?
SALLY: (uncomfortable) I needed a hobby.
JOHN: You broke up with someone and needed to fill the time.
SALLY: Shut up!
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Interior: Paranormal Consultation Offices
Jim’s Office
MOLLY: I work at St. Bart’s. Morgue. (laughs) Mostly I’m here to make sure neither Jim nor Sherlock end up on my slab.
JIM: (nods)
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Exterior: Paranormal Consultation Offices
Alley
GREG: Sherlock and I are full-time; John and Jim, too. Everyone else donates time. It’s good, though. (looks hopeful) Either of you have a cigarette? (pause) Damn.
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GREG: Sherlock’s got a thing for his flatmate, but John and I are--well. I guess you could call it dating. Mostly it’s falling on a flat surface and making out. What?
SOO LIN: (off camera, poor sound quality) I said, isn’t that what dating is?
GREG: I thought you were supposed to, you know, meet each other’s family or go on long walks or something.
RAZ: (off camera, poor sound quality) If it’s serious.
GREG: Oh, good. (pause) Is it bad if I’m forty-six and not serious?
SOO LIN: (off camera, poor sound quality) Not if you’re you.
RAZ: (off camera, poor sound quality) It would be a fucking crime if you settled down.
GREG: All right then.
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Interior: Paranormal Consultation Offices
Front Office
JOHN: (on phone) Okay, yes. Thank you. (hangs up, grins) We got one.
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Exterior: an old, decrepit building, abandoned for some time. Empty street.
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Interior: Paranormal Consultation Offices
Front Office
JOHN: Number three, Lauriston Gardens. There was a murder there something like a hundred years ago, a Mr. E. J. Drebber.
SHERLOCK: (sits up straight) A good murder?
GREG: Hush, you.
JOHN: The flat was rented out for a while, but it’s been sitting empty for the past couple of years. There are supposed to be noises, footsteps up and down the stairs, sort of thing. And a man who appears at the top of the stairs sometimes, when you’re near the bottom. These reports are from the workers who’ve been trying to renovate recently.
SALLY: Sounds and apparitions. Check.
SHERLOCK: So-called.
GREG: Give it a rest.
JOHN: We have two nights, tonight and tomorrow. So!
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Interior: Paranormal Consultation Offices
Jim’s Office
JIM: (points scissors at camera) Do. Not. Touch. Anything.
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Interior: Paranormal Consultation Offices
Front Office
SALLY: This would go a lot faster if Jim would let us help pack the van.
MOLLY: Then when would Greg and Sherlock have time to run to the shop?
SALLY: Imagine having them sober for a case once.
MOLLY: (pause) No. It could only end badly.
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Interior: Mary Rose, van #2
SALLY: Why do we let you drive?
SHERLOCK: Why did he take that turn?
JOHN: Because he knows where we’re going, and we’re supposed to follow?
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Exterior: Lauriston Gardens
GREG: (leaning on Lusitania, van #1) Tell him to go left. Tell him not to argue. Left!
MOLLY: It gives Jim time to set up, anyway.
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Exterior: Lauriston Gardens
Decrepit building, empty street. Night.
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Interior: Lauriston Gardens
Ground floor
Text reads: JENNIFER WILSON, LANDLADY
JENNIFER: I can’t insure it worth the money it would take to burn it down.
GREG: Matches don’t cost much.
JENNIFER: I know.
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Interior: Lauriston Gardens
Ground floor command centre
A folding table is set up in the main room, which is otherwise empty. One laptop computer is up and running, with two long USB cables leading out of the room. Also on the table are two handheld voice recorders, two handheld video cameras, two small cameras, and one EMF meter.
JIM: Camera one focused on the main room of the second storey; camera two on the top of the steps. We’re beautiful. Where the hell is my iPod?
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Interior: Lauriston Gardens
Ground floor command centre
GREG: Glad you could make it.
SHERLOCK: Shut up.
JOHN: Teams?
MOLLY: Command center!
SALLY: Boss!
SHERLOCK: No. I’m with Lestrade.
JOHN: Can, um. Can I be with Greg?
SALLY and SHERLOCK: No.
GREG: (sighs)
JOHN: No, of course not.
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Interior: Lauriston Gardens
Second storey, main room
GREG: You did bring white, you bastard.
SHERLOCK: I didn’t plan to share.
GREG: Oh, come off it!
SHERLOCK: You knew I liked him!
GREG: I did--you what?
SHERLOCK: What.
GREG: You don’t like anyone.
SHERLOCK: Shut up.
GREG: I’ve known you almost ten years. You’ve never dated anyone.
SHERLOCK: (disgusted noise) Dating.
GREG: I’m literally the easiest bloke in London and you slept with me only three times. And only because there was just the one bed; otherwise I know you wouldn’t have bothered.
SHERLOCK: (opens bottle) Do you have a glass?
GREG: No. (pause) I have crazy straws.
SHERLOCK: John deserves better.
GREG: I’m going to punch you.
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Interior: Lauriston Gardens
First storey, main room
SALLY: So, EVP. Electronic voice phenomenon. Basically, sometimes a ghost’s voice turns up on tape when you didn’t hear it at the time, so you ask questions and record it. John, please demonstrate.
JOHN: (holds up voice recorder) Is there anyone with us tonight?
SALLY: Anyone who wants to have a little chat?
JOHN: Detective Inspector Sally Donovan, on the case.
SALLY: I would be a great Detective Inspector, thank you very much.
JOHN: You’d get busted for abuse of power almost immediately.
SALLY: Would not!
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Interior: Lauriston Gardens
Second storey, main room
GREG: See, here’s the thing.
SHERLOCK: I don’t want to see the thing.
GREG: But there’s a thing! There is a thing.
SHERLOCK: Keep it to yourself.
GREG: That’s exactly what you’re telling me I am not to do.
SHERLOCK: (pause) No?
GREG: (takes a long sip from the crazy straw) Yes.
SHERLOCK: You’re trying to tell me that you and John fuck all the time.
GREG: Not all the time.
SHERLOCK: Nearly.
GREG: Not, for instance, when we are cuddling.
SHERLOCK: I’m going to be sick.
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Interior: Lauriston Gardens
First storey, main room
JOHN: Another sign of a haunting is sudden cold for no reason, for example, drafts.
SALLY: Or people sticking their cold hands in your trousers.
JOHN: Does Sherlock do that to you, too?
SALLY: Sherlock does that to everyone.
JOHN: (pause) Oh. (turns to camera) Er. Ghosts are supposed to, um, draw the heat out of the air as energy and does he really? (to Sally) Because he doesn’t do it to me.
SALLY: But you said “you, too.”
JOHN: Well, he does it to Greg.
SALLY: He does it to Jim, even.
JOHN: Oh. (turns to camera) Also they can drain the energy out of batteries, so if you have a fully charged camera battery and suddenly it’s dead, it could be ghosts. (to Sally) To Jim, really?
SALLY: He’s really never done it to you?
JOHN: I don’t know whether to be grateful or hurt.
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Interior: Lauriston Gardens
Second storey, main room
SHERLOCK: (leaning on Greg’s shoulder) I just want him to like me best.
GREG: Okay, but some people like sex, and they like people who--
SHERLOCK: Spare me the lecture on sexual intimacy and tell me that I deserve to be happy!
GREG: You deserve to be happy.
SHERLOCK: Thank you. And now I’m going to sulk. (chews on the crazy straw)
GREG: Should’ve brought my own damn bottle.
SHERLOCK: (mumbles around straw) Call Mycroft and tell him to bring tequila.
GREG: Ohhh no. You don’t get tequila anymore, and Mycroft really doesn’t.
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Interior: Lauriston Gardens
Ground floor command centre
MOLLY: Two AM is breakdown, unless there’s been activity, but usually there isn’t so Sally and I drive everyone home in Mary Rose and Jim takes the equipment back in Lusitania. Then Sally and I meet him back at the office and head home ourselves.
JIM: (sleeping hunched over folding table)
MOLLY: And then we get to do it all over again tomorrow!
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Exterior: Paranormal Consultation Offices
Daylight
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Interior: Paranormal Consultation Offices
Jim’s Office
JIM: Huh.
MOLLY: (looks up from book) What?
JIM: Oh, nothing.
MOLLY: That’s Will’s footage, right?
JIM: No ghosts. I think I’ll erase it.
MOLLY: Oh no.
JIM: What?
MOLLY: What did Sherlock say? You aren’t to do anything mean to him!
JIM: Why would I do that?
MOLLY: Um, because you hate him?
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Exterior: Lauriston Gardens
Night
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Interior: Lauriston Gardens
Ground floor command centre
MOLLY: I mean it, Jim. Jim? Jim!
JIM: (listening to iPod, doesn’t answer)
MOLLY: I’m getting another cat.
JIM: Fuck no, you’re not!
MOLLY: Gotcha.
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Interior: Lauriston Gardens
Ground floor, stairs
SALLY: It’s ridiculous.
JOHN: Oh, relax.
SALLY: It’s unprofessional.
JOHN: You’d do it, too.
SALLY: Don’t be so smug.
JOHN: Leisurely pre-ghost hunting make-out sessions can do that to a man.
SALLY: (yells) Ghost, seriously! Show up so John shuts up!
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Interior: Lauriston Gardens
Second storey, main room
SHERLOCK: Here. (hands Greg bottle of red wine)
GREG: Oh, am I forgiven?
SHERLOCK: (pulls out two glasses) For now.
GREG: Why?
SHERLOCK: Pour.
GREG: Why?
SHERLOCK: Because there’s no point in being in this ugly, drafty pile if we’re not drinking.
GREG: Whingey little bugger. It’s not drafty at all.
SHERLOCK: Well, I’m cold.
GREG: Keep your hands on the glass and out of my pants.
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Interior: Lauriston Gardens
Ground floor, stairs
SALLY: Oh Jesus.
JOHN: No bloody way. (yells) Greg?
SALLY: It’s gone now.
JOHN: That must have been Greg.
SALLY: Should we go and check?
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Exterior: Lauriston Gardens
Night
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Interior: Lauriston Gardens
Second storey, main room
GREG: (yelps) Sherlock!
SHERLOCK: My hands are (grunts) really cold!
GREG: Oh god.
JOHN: (runs into room) Greg? What--
SALLY: (runs into John) Ow!
SHERLOCK: (pulls hands out quickly) What is it?
GREG: John, are your hands warm, by any chance?
SALLY: Was--were--did one of you look over the railing just now?
SHERLOCK: Obviously we did not.
JOHN: We saw someone looking over the railing.
SALLY: Seriously. It wasn’t either of you?
GREG: I don’t pretend to be a ghost until I’m drunk or someone’s naked.
SHERLOCK: Same.
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Exterior: Paranormal Consultation Offices
Daylight
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Interior: Paranormal Consultation Offices
Jim’s Office
GREG: (rubs hands together) What have we got?
Text reads: EVIDENCE PRESENTATION
JOHN: Be sure to give DI Donovan a good look at the monitor.
Screen shows: the shadowy staircase spiraling up Lauriston Gardens, John’s shoulder. Then John and Sally lean into the frame, and then they run up the stairs.
SHERLOCK: Nothing. Next?
JOHN: There was something!
JIM: Not according to the cameras.
JOHN: Hardly our fault your camera angle was off.
JIM: Excuse me?
GREG: Scissors down, Jim.
Voice recording playback:
--JOHN: Detective Inspector Sally Donovan, on the case.
--SALLY: I would be a great Detective Inspector, thank you very much.
GREG: Detective Inspector?
SALLY: I could do it.
GREG: Well, yeah. But you’d best get started, and, er, work on the temper.
SALLY: Now--
SHERLOCK: What are we listening to? Cute conversations in the dark?
JIM: They are cute, aren’t they?
SALLY: You know, Molls, I think I may be changing my mind. Toby probably does need a friend.
JIM: Here. (points)
Voice recording playback:
--JOHN: Detective Inspector Sally
JIM: There.
--JOHN: Detective Inspector (muffled noise) Sally
--JOHN: pector (muffled noise)
--(muffled noise)
SHERLOCK: It’s probably Sally snorting.
SALLY: I don’t snort!
SHERLOCK: (snorts)
GREG: Right. Anything else?
JIM: Got a shot of you going down on a crazy straw.
MOLLY: Ooh, new stuff for the website!
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Exterior: Lauriston Gardens
Daylight
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Interior: Lauriston Gardens
Ground floor
GREG: Well, two nights. It’s hardly enough time to find out if there’s a haunting, is there?
JENNIFER: Would you like to move in?
GREG: Ah, no.
JENNIFER: There’s room in my place, too. If you’re looking for a flatshare.
GREG: Um.
JOHN: Some members of the team did experience a few scary moments, and please stop hitting on my boyfriend.
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Text reads: NEXT TIME: ROLAND KERR FURTHER EDUCATION COLLEGE
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ROLL CREDITS
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GREG: Look, look; I can get the crazy part in my mouth--
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Thank you for enjoying our programme! If you’d like to learn more, we gathered up some further reading links for this episode:
http://www.guardian.co.uk/science/2003/oct/16/science.farout
http://www.evo.org/sherlock/london/lauriston_gardens.html
http://www.yourdiscovery.com/best_of/wreck_detectives/shipwrecks/index.shtml
http://www.sherlockology.com/
http://www.skepdic.com/evp.html
http://forums.syfy.com/index.php?showtopic=2349356