PARKS & REC. DEPT. OFFICE- MORNING
RON (to camera, irritated): The town of Pawnee has mandated me to update my physical health report for insurance purposes.
Fortunately, I don’t believe in doctors. (Pause) Or in insurance. Unfortunately, Leslie set up an appointment for me and told me about it when it was too late to cancel without getting charged. Then, my car broke down and I had to call her for a ride. She overheard everything my doctor said.
(Matter of factly)
He told me I have high cholesterol. He also told me I should keep a food journal and record everything that goes into my body for the next week. Do I intend to take this suggestion to heart?
You bet your hairy white ass.
LESLIE'S OFFICE -- LATER THAT MORNING
LESLIE (to camera, smiling): This is a really great wake-up call for Ron. I’ve been saying for a long time that he has to cut back on… well. Everything. He’s been a reluctant record keeper, but I’ve kept tabs on his food intake by following him around all morning. I also sent Andy to Whole Foods to buy some yogurt, granola, and heart-healthy snacks!
Ron’s off to… not as good a start as I’d hoped, but it’s important to remember that we’re just starting out! In the meantime, I’ve been doing his record-keeping. Food intake, alcohol intake. All the basics.
(Reading from the journal she’s kept)
9:15: Bagel, egg, and cheese sandwich from Dunkin’ Donuts.
10:12: Four slices of cold bacon (from the refrigerator he keeps in his office, hidden behind his file cabinet that he thinks no one knows about.)
10: 33: A mini Snickers candy bar (from the Halloween stash of candy in his bottom right drawer)
11:11: Five sips of coffee.
12:24: Bacon cheeseburger with pickles, 20 oz coca-cola soft drink, crinkle-cut fries, and ¾ of a cup of egg salad with Hellman’s mayonnaise.
(looking up from her journal)
In record keeping, it’s important to be very precise. Specificity, as Eleanor Roosevelt once said, is at the epicenter of every great political candidate.
(Long pause, smiling, shaking her head after a minute.)
Eleanor didn’t really say that. I just made that up right now. (Pause) I should write that down!
But! As you can see, we’ve pinpointed the problem with Ron’s food intake. Now, when Ron is ready and willing, we will work on a solution! I keep telling myself to be more patient with him. Ron trying to give up fatty foods is like me trying to... not eat a waffle sitting right in front of me!
(Pauses, looking very sad, glancing back to the camera, very serious) I can help get him through this terribly trying time.
LESLIE: Andy, what is this?
ANDY (confused, showing Leslie the items he bought): You said whole foods! Well I’ve got lots of the best whole foods. Mmmmm. Whole milk. (Delicious!) Whole fat frozen yogurt. (Never tried it, but I’m sure it’s high quality.) Whole fat ground beef. (Juicy and mouth watering.) AND, I thought we could make some lasagna with this whole ricotta, whole mozzarella, whole tomatoes in sauce, and these whole wheat and enriched lasagna noodles.
RON (walking into the outer office, patting Andy on the back, picking up the grocery bag): That’s my man.
ANDY (smiling, delighted by himself): If you need anything else…
RON: I don’t often say ‘thank you’, Andy. But ... thank you.
(Ron exits with the groceries)
ANDY (to Leslie): I did such a good job!
OUTSIDE OF RON SWANSON’S HOUSE – NIGHT
LESLIE (persistently banging on door and ringing doorbell): RON! Let me in, Ron. I’m not leaving until you let me in this door. RON! Ron. Ron. Ron. Ron. Ron.
RON (stepping out of the door, pulling off a pair of headphones, then earplugs beneath them): Leslie. What are you doing?
LESLIE: I’m fighting for a cause! And I’m not leaving until you tell me what you’ve eaten! Or until you agree to record the journal yourself.
(Ron grabs the journal from her, slamming the door behind him.)
LESLIE (turning around to look at the camera, crossing her fingers in the air): I have a good feeling about this.
PARKS & REC. DEPT. OFFICE- THE NEXT MORNING
TOM: Uh oh! It’s T. Havazizzle in the house. With donuts for everyone. (He sits on the desk, opens the box up to Donna) Check it out, they have “Entertainment 7wenty” engraved in the icing. (To camera): I pre-ordered them for the whole staff on this would-be three month anniversary of my former multi-media conglomerate corporation. In Tommy H language, that’s ninety dayz with a z. In boring fiscal language they call it a quarter, but with me (points to himself) putting the pal back in municipal, we threw all that boring jargon into the trash of the past.
RON (walking out of his office, catching Leslie’s eye, announcing loudly): NO, Tom. I’ll be passing on the donuts today. (Even louder) I’m on a strict diet. (He walks back into his office and shuts the door behind him.)
TOM (to Donna): What do you want, boo?
DONNA (to Tom): You know I’ll have chocolate drizzle on chocolate with the rainbow colored sprinkles. Mmmmm mmmm.
JERRY: I’ll take the same!
Tom: They’re all gone, Jerry!
JERRY: No they aren’t. I see--
TOM: That’s not for you!
RON’S OFFICE – MID MORNING
RON (Eating a donut secretively, signaling to April, through the windows of his closed door, to cover for him. She gives a thumbs-up. He looks to the camera and speaks): So I may have told a little white lie and arranged for Tom to slip me a donut, but it made Leslie smile. Look at her! (Camera cuts to Leslie grinning and humming as she organizes a file cabinet.) An added bonus? It will make her stop with that journal nonsense. Peace and sanity will be restored.