-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling ectoBiologist [EB] --
CG: OKAY DO I EVEN WANT TO KNOW WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON RIGHT NOW?
EB: i am being heralded as a hero of my people.
EB: did you not see what just happened? i thought you could watch my all my timeline stuff from your end.
CG: I FAST FORWARDED THROUGH THE BORING SHIT.
EB: in before my entire life.
CG: WHICH IS BASICALLY YOUR ENTIREFUCK YOU.
CG: ALL I SAW WAS BLAH BLAH GLOWING MUSHROOMS BLAH BLAH FIRE BLAH BLAH EXPLOSIONS AND SHAVING CREAM.
CG: ARE YOU GOING TO BE DOING ANYTHING RELEVANT ANYTIME SOON OR IS THE EVENT OF YOUR CONSORTS PARADING YOU AROUND LIKE SOME KIND OF TROPHY THE CLIMAX OF THIS ADVENTURE?
EB: you're just jealous.
CG: YES I AM EXTREMELY JEALOUS I AM NOT BEING BLINDLY BRANDISHED ABOUT BY BRIGHT BANANA BUBBLE BLOWING BUFFOONS.
EB: i am glad you can admit that! acknowledgement is the first step to recovery, you know.
CG: YOU'RE AN IDIOT.
CG: I LITERALLY CANNOT FATHOM HOW YOU'VE SURVIVED FOR THIS LONG EMANATING SUCH STUPIDITY.
CG: THE INITIAL TIDE OF SHOCK I FELT UPON LEARNING OF YOUR GRANDIOSE FUCK UP IS BEGINNING TO EBB BEHIND THE VALIDATING SHORES OF YOUR MORONITY.
CG: IN ORDER TO STABILIZE YOUR UNIVERSE, THE FUTILE NATURE OF YOUR EXISTENCE MUST HAVE ISOLATED YOUR VERY ESSENCE FROM THAT OF THE WORLD AROUND YOU, VACUUM SEALING YOUR DAFT CONTINUITY INTO A NEAT AIR TIGHT POCKET SINGULARITY FROM WHICH NO WIT MAY ENTER AND NO MIND NUMBING FRIVOLITY MAY ESCAPE.
CG: FRESHNESS FUCKING GUARANTEED.
CG: EGBERT I'M TALKING TO YOU.
CG: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT CHISEL?
CG: STOP FUCKING IGNORING ME, EGBERT.
CG: JOHN HUMAN.
EB: it's just john.
CG: ALRIGHT THEN "JUST JOHN", WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU CARVING?
CG: I BET IT'S SOMETHING STUPID.
EB: an order form. for a package.
EB: the voice in my head told me to do it.
CG: OH OKAY SO YOU HEAR A DISEMBODIED VOICE IN YOUR HEAD TELLING YOU TO DO THINGS AND YOUR FIRST INSTINCT IS TO OBEY EXACTLY WHAT IT SAYS!
CG: WHAT A BRILLIANT FUCKING IDEA, "JUST JOHN", YOU ASTOUND ME WITH YOUR WISDOM AND GOOD DECISIONS.
EB: the voice is a lot more polite than you've ever been, rudeass. it's been helping me out almost this entire time!
EB: the kind of stuff it's been telling me to do seems harmless enough. potentially helpful, even! while all you've been doing is hounding me about things i can't control right now.
EB: you are like a living novelty paperweight with a button i can press whenever i want to feel bad except you're a defect and the button's stuck and i can't get you to shut up.
EB: whoever is talking to me is a very nice person! i'm not as stupid as you think i am so you don't need to keep worrying about me you dick.
CG: WHAT PART OF "YOU'RE AN IDIOT" CAN BE INTERPRETED AS ME WORRYING ABOUT YOU?
EB: why is that the only thing you're offended by out of everything i just said!
CG: WHY THE FUCK DO YOU CARE!
EB: oh shit.
EB: you know what i'm seeing?
EB: a complete lack of pogo riding experience reports.
EB: i have just conveniently remembered i am now totally allowed to ignore you.
CG: YOU CAN'T BE FUCKING SERIOUS.
-- ectoBiologist [EB] is now idle! --
CG: OKAY OKAY
CG: I DID WHAT YOU SAID AND GOT ONE OF THE OTHERS TO HELP ME SET UP THE STUPID FUCKING POGO RIDE OUTSIDE.
CG: EXCUSE ME.
EB: colored text for effect.
CG: I LOATHE YOU WITH THE INTENSITY OF A THOUSAND ALTERNIAN DAYBREAKS.
EB: go on.
CG: WE SET UP THE POGO
CG: THE POGO RIDE ON THE METEOR JUST OUTSIDE. IT WAS A SPECKLE OF OBNOXIOUS GREEN IN A FIELD OF MEDIOCRE GREY AND I WOULD'VE ALMOST CONSIDERED THE SIGHT POETIC IF IT WASN'T FOR THE FACT I WAS THREE SECONDS AWAY FROM MAKING A COMPLETE ASS OF MYSELF.
CG: AT FIRST I WAS UNSURE OF HOW EXACTLY TO MOUNT THE FUCKING THING WITHOUT LAUNCHING MYSELF INTO A SPINE INJURY SO I JUST SORT OF EDGED ONTO IT WHILE CARRYING A SENSE OF APPREHENSION AND DREAD AND FROM THERE I EVENTUALLY FIGURED OUT I WAS SUPPOSED TO ROCK IT BACK AND FORTH.
CG: DID I MENTION THE TROLL WHO SET IT UP FOR ME IS A HULKING SWEATY NARROW MINDED BRUTE WHO SOMEHOW MANAGES TO SEXUALIZE EVERY LITTLE GODDAMNED THING AND MAKE EVERYONE WITHIN A THREE YARD VICINITY REALLY FUCKING UNCOMFORTABLE IN THE PROCESS?
CG: HE WAS THERE ALONG WITH HIS MENTALLY DEFICIENT AUTISTIC CAT GIRL OF A MOIRAIL WHO'S HAD AN EMBARRASSING UNREQUITED CRUSH ON ME SINCE WE WERE FOUR SWEEPS OLD.
CG: SUFFICE IT TO SAY WITH THEM AS AN AUDIENCE THE ACTIVITY MADE ME FEEL MILDLY EXHIBITIONISTIC AND IT WAS AS DEGRADING AS IT WAS INANE AND I FEEL PERSONALLY VIOLATED ON SEVERAL DEEP AND EMOTIONALLY SCARRING LEVELS.
CG: MIND YOU THIS WAS BEFORE I GOT UP AND EMPTIED THE CONTENTS OF MY STOMACH INTO A CRATER SHAPED LIKE TROLL BOB ROSS'S FANTASTICALLY ROUND HEAD.
CG: IF YOUR CULTURE ACTUALLY CONDONES SETTING YOUR YOUNG ON THAT DEVICE FOR RECREATIONAL PURPOSES HUMANKIND IS MORE DEMENTED THAN I THOUGHT.
CG: MY THINK PAN ACHES. I'VE BEEN WADDLING AROUND BOW LEGGED FOR THE PAST HOUR AND A HALF. I'M HUNGRY YET NAUSEATED AT THE SAME TIME. AND THE ROOM STILL SPINS LIKE A FLUTTERBEAST ON SWEETPOLLEN IF I TURN AROUND TOO QUICKLY.
CG: SO A GREAT BIG OBLIGATORY FUCK YOU FOR FORCING ME TO SUFFER THROUGH THAT. I HOPE YOU MANAGED TO DERIVE SOME ENJOYMENT FROM MY SUFFERING.
CG: I ALSO HOPE KARMA SWIMS BACK AROUND AND TAKES A HEALTHY CHUNK OUT OF YOUR STUPID ASS.
EB: you guys have a troll bob ross???
CG: I AM GOING TO FUCKING VOMIT ON YOU
EB: i'm kidding i'm kidding! jeez lighten up.
EB: i didn't actually think you would go through with the pogo thing so i congratulate you on your bravery.
EB: it was every bit as terrifying as it should have been. riding the pogo is actually a very important milestone in a young human's life.
CG: I MEAN
CG: IF IT'S ACTUALLY SOME MAJOR HIGHLIGHT OF PERSONAL GRUBHOOD DEVELOPMENT IN YOUR WORLD I SUPPOSE IN RETROSPECT IT WASN'T REALLY ALL THAT FUCKING BAD.
EB: yeah man.
EB: you have conquered an obstacle suitable for human children six and up. good job!
CG: I SHOULD PROBABLY TELL YOU I TOOK ANOTHER SUGGESTION FROM YOUR GUIDE AND ALCHEMIZED THE POGO RIDE WITH A COUPLE OF MY SICKLES.
CG: THE RESULTS WERE
EB: what did you end up making?
CG: IT'S KIND OF HARD TO EXPLAIN.
CG: THE BLADES ARE BRIGHT GREEN AND ARE CONNECTED TO THE HANDLES WITH POGO SPRINGS.
CG: THEY'RE FUNCTIONALLY IMPOTENT IN CLOSE QUARTER COMBAT BUT WHEN YOU SWING THEM AROUND THEY LAUNCH OUT AND MANAGE TO BE USEFUL AS LONG RANGE WEAPONS.
CG: WHICH IS PRETTY COOL I GUESS.
EB: what are they called?
EB: you know it's funny, during all my alchemizing i found out the slime ghost is a pretty versatile kind of guy. anything you combine him with will end up awesome somehow.
CG: WHERE IS HE SUPPOSED TO BE FROM, ANYWAY?
EB: japan! it is a country in asia.
EB: er. was a country in asia.
EB: well technically he is actually from a japanese animation. we call it anime.
EB: called it.
EB: man, this is going to be hard.
CG: I FIND IT HILARIOUS THAT YOUR WHOLE WORLD WAS DESTROYED AND YET THE THINGS YOU CHOOSE TO LAMENT ABOUT ARE VERB TENSES AND THE LOSS OF SOME DUMB CARTOONS.
EB: animes aren't cartoons numbnuts.
EB: but you are an alien so you are forgiven for being stupid.
EB: come to think of it, you're really frustrated most of the time so the humor of mucus ghost fun corner is probably too high brow for you.
EB: you're way more of a cowboy bebop kind of guy.
CG: IS THIS SUPPOSED TO MEAN SOMETHING TO ME?
EB: yeah actually. you can add it to your long list of stuff you wanted to watch as "the only redeemable parts of human earth culture" or whatever you said before.
EB: squeeze it between your sappy romances and your lame dane cook romcoms.
CG: DANE COOK IS FUCKING HILARIOUS AND I'M SORRY HIS GENIUS IS LOST ON YOU.
EB: dane cook is a talentless hack and i'm sorry you have such a shitty taste in comedy.
CG: WOW WHAT DOES IT FEEL LIKE TO BE SO BLATANTLY WRONG ALL THE TIME?
CG: INQUIRING MINDS WANT TO KNOW.
CG: BESIDES IT'S NOT JUST DANE COOK. I ALSO HAVE THE VARIOUS WORKS OF JOHN CUSACK AND MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY LINED UP.
EB: okay matthew mcconaughey is pretty quality.
CG: DAMN STRAIGHT.
CG: WAIT WHAT WERE WE TALKING ABOUT AGAIN
EB: you were going to go download cowboy bebop.
CG: OH YEAH.
CG: AND YOU WERE A FEW HOURS AWAY FROM FUCKING THINGS UP ON AN INCOMPREHENSIBLE SCALE AND FATING US ALL TO OUR DEATH.
EB: oh god, this again?
EB: you aren't dead yet right?
CG: CONGRATULATIONS ON ATTEMPTING TO OBSERVE THE OBVIOUS. UNFORTUNATELY LIKE ALWAYS YOU ARE INCORRECT.
CG: I DIED A LONG TIME AGO AND I'M OPERATING THE KEYBOARD AS A REANIMATED ZOMBIE.
CG: THE REASON WHY I TYPE LIKE THIS IS BECAUSE MY SMALLEST FINGER HAS DECAYED TO A DELICATE BONY NUB AND I CAN NO LONGER REACH THE CAPS LOCK BUTTON. MYSTERY FUCKING SOLVED.
EB: dude shut up for a second!
EB: you aren't dead yet so maybe there is still something we can do to help you.
EB: if i'm going to do something to screw you guys over, that means our worlds must be connected somehow, right?
EB: my salamander bros told me i'm the heir or something, and that there's this monster hidden away i have to wake up and tell to gtfo in order to save their world.
EB: i think dave rose and jade all have worlds and monsters they have to deal with, too.
EB: there has to be something somewhere along the line of our adventure we can do to set things right again.
CG: WE'VE PLAYED THE SAME GAME, DUMBASS.
CG: WE'VE HAD WORLDS AND CONSORTS AND ADVENTURES AND DENIZENS AND SPECIAL SPARKLEFAIRY SNOWFLAKE POWERS BEFORE. THE WORKS.
CG: OUR EFFORTS WERE SUPPOSED TO PRESENT US WITH A NEW UNIVERSE TO REPLACE THE ONE THAT WAS DESTROYED BUT IN THE END WE'VE GOT JACK TO SHOW FOR IT.
CG: HAHAHAHA OH LOOK A PUN.
CG: I AM SO FUCKING FUNNY.
EB: woah wait.
EB: so the goal of the game is to create a new universe?
CG: THAT WAS THE PLAN.
CG: AND IT WORKED. WE SPAWNED YOURS, REMEMBER?
CG: WE WERE JUST INTERRUPTED BEFORE WE GOT A CHANCE TO ENTER IT.
EB: what if we win our game and make another whole new new universe?
EB: if we find you, can we take you guys with us?
CG: WE ARE FLOATING AIMLESSLY ON A ROCK HIDDEN BETWEEN HUNDREDS OF OTHERS WITHIN AN ASTEROID BELT CIRCLING IN AN ORBIT OF AN INDISCRIMINATE PART OF PARADOX SPACE.
CG: THERE IS NOTHING YOU COULD POSSIBLY DO TO HELP US AT THIS POINT.
EB: not with that attitude there's not.
CG: MY ATTITUDE IS EXCLUSIVE FROM OUR ULTIMATE DOOM, AND YOUR ONGOING SENSE OF OPTIMISM SICKENS ME TO THE VERY CORE.
CG: WHERE YOUR GLASS IS HALF FULL MINE IS BRIMMING OVER WITH VOLATILE ANTIMATTER ACTUALIZED IN THE FORM OF A COUNTDOWN TIMER REMINDING ME OF OUR VIOLENT IMPENDING FATE ON A SECOND BY SECOND BASIS.
EB: you wouldn't be able to hold antimatter in a glass you dork.
CG: SHUT UP.
CG: WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU INTERESTED IN HELPING US, ANYWAY?
CG: I'VE BEEN DIRECTING ALL MY ENERGY INTO MAKE YOUR LIFE A LIVING HELL, OR AT THE VERY LEAST AN ANNOYING INCONVENIENCE, BUT IT'S STARTING TO SEEM LIKE MY EFFORTS ARE HAVING THE EXACT OPPOSITE EFFECT.
EB: well all this stuff you're talking about me doing something that leads to killing you and your troll friends is making me feel really guilty!
EB: you're still an asshole but i can at least kind of see why you're so angry at me.
EB: but then you go on and on and on about how it's one hundred and twenty percent impossible to save you and all this whining you're doing is just making me want to prove you wrong.
CG: OH SHIT YOU CAUGHT ME. THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT I'M PLANNING.
CG: I'M USING REVERSE PSYCHOLOGY IN ORDER TO MOTIVATE YOU TO KICK DOWN THE FRONT DOOR OF THIS GODFORSAKEN LAB AND SWEEP US OFF TO OUR RESCUE BEFORE JACK SWINGS AROUND AND GETS STAB HAPPY.
CG: BUT NOW YOU'VE GONE AND RUINED YOUR WELCOMING SURPRISE PARTY, YOU MONUMENTAL SHITFUCK. I'LL HAVE TO TELL KANAYA TO TAKE DOWN ALL THE STREAMERS.
CG: SHE'LL BE HEARTBROKEN.
CG: WHAT'S SO FUNNY?
CG: YOU DON'T GET TO LAUGH THEN NOT TELL ME WHY.
CG: WAIT WHERE DO YOU THINK YOU'RE GOING?
CG: YOU HAVE NO CLUE WHERE THE FUCK YOU ARE, DO YOU?
EB: how is that my fault!
EB: i was dropped into a world that as far as i can tell is the size of a whole new planet.
EB: i've been pretty much winging it since i got here. i don't want to waste my jetpack fuel unless i know where the heck i'm going.
CG: WELL I DON'T FEEL LIKE WATCHING YOU MEANDER AWAY FROM YOUR SECOND GATE LIKE A CLUCKBEAST WITH ITS THIRD HEAD CUT OFF SO GET YOUR JETPACK ON.
EB: i thought you said you just fast forward through the boring shit?
CG: DO YOU WANT MY FUCKING HELP OR NOT?
EB: thanks for not being a complete douche, o generous one.
CG: YOU'RE WELCOME.