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carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling ectoBiologist [EB] at 11:42
ectoBiologist [EB] blocked carcinoGeneticist [CG] at 11:42
carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling ectoBiologist [EB] at 11:43
ectoBiologist [EB] ran gtfo.exe at 11:43
Connection with carcinoGeneticist [CG] lost
carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling ectoBiologist [EB] at 11:44
Connection with carcinoGeneticist [CG] lost
carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling ectoBiologist [EB] at 11:52
carcinoGeneticist [CG] ran NOPE.exe at 11:52
Connection with carcinoGeneticist [CG] lost
System crash!
Rebooting...
Reconnecting...
carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling ectoBiologist [EB] at 11:56
ectoBiologist [EB] blocked carcinoGeneticist [CG] at 11:56
ERROR: eB/block/list directory corrupt, contact host - message dump {01010011 01010101 01000011 01001011 00100000 01001001 01010100}

EB: sigh.
CG: HI SHITHEAD.
EB: hey fucknuts.
EB: look, i don’t know how you keep evading all the blocks i put on my system, but surprise! i still don’t want to talk to you.
EB: bye.
CG: HOLD YOUR HOOFBEASTS FOR FIVE FUCKING SECONDS, WOULD YOU?
CG: IF YOU CLOSE OUT OF THIS CHAT, I’M JUST GOING TO SKIP AHEAD A LITTLE ON YOUR TIMELINE AND TROLL YOU AGAIN.
CG: OUR RELATIONSHIP HAS DEVOLVED INTO A VICIOUS OUROBORIC CYCLE GLISTENING WITH THE GOLDEN SCALES OF ABSOLUTE CONTEMPT, WITH MY HATRED SERVING AS THE VENOM-DROOLING FANGED GOB OF A CANNIBALISTIC SLITHERBITE WHO HAS YOUR SENTIENCE WRAPPED HELPLESSLY AROUND THE END OF THE QUIVERING, UNSUSPECTING TAIL I AM CURRENTLY SHOVING DOWN MY PROTEIN CHUTE.
CG: I’VE BEEN DEVOURING MYSELF FOR THE PAST HALF HOUR BUT WHAT SHOULD BE PROVIDING ME WITH A FEELING OF PERPETUAL FULLNESS AND SATISFACTION IS INSTEAD PARADOXICALLY MAKING OUR CONVERSATIONS SHORTER AND SHORTER, WHICH NEEDLESS TO SAY WOULD MAKE THE FIRST CONVERSATION WE HAVE IN YOUR FUTURE IMPOSSIBLE.
CG: SO I MUST BE FUCKING SOMETHING UP HERE.
CG: I’M GUESSING MY PREVIOUS METHOD OF TROLLING IS COMPLETELY INEFFECTUAL AND THAT I HAVE TO RESTRUCTURE, IF ONLY BECAUSE THE MOST IMPASSIONED MATERIAL I HAVE EVER CARED ENOUGH TO CONCEIEVE IS BEING COMPLETELY WASTED ON A FUCKNUGGET WHO CAN’T STOP UNSHEATHING HIS INGUINAL BOTHRIUM LONG ENOUGH TO PAY THE FUCK ATTENTION.
EB: tl;dr
EB: i’m busy. go away.
CG: WE HAVE RECENTLY DISCOVERED A WALKTHROUGH WRITTEN BY YOUR FRIEND. THE ROSE HUMAN.
CG: WHERE THE FUCK SHE FOUND THE TIME TO JOT ALL THAT DOWN REMAINS A MYSTERY TO ME, BUT THE FACT REMAINS YOU HUMANS DON’T SEEM TO HAVE YOUR HEADS AS FAR UP YOUR ASSES AS I PREVIOUSLY ASSUMED.
CG: WHICH OF COURSE BEGS THE QUESTION
CG: WHY THE HELL DID YOU FUCK EVERYONE OVER SO BADLY?
EB: you can keep ranting and ranting and ranting, but the answer is still I DON’T KNOW!
EB: i don’t know what you mean by fucking everyone over. i don’t know what you mean by messing everything up!
EB: i have just started out in this game so i probably have not even done whatever you are talking about yet.
EB: you keep blathering on and on about jumping around my lifeline, why don’t you use your almighty time powers to skip ahead to the part when i do screw something up and then yell at me when it actually makes sense.
EB: or better yet figure out what i did wrong then come back to tell me what i can do to prevent it!
CG: THAT WOULD BE A SMART IDEA IF IT WASN’T SO COMPLETELY FUCKING STUPID.
CG: IT’S OBVIOUS TO ME FROM THE GARBAGE YOU JUST MERCILESSLY DUMPED ALL OVER MY SCREEN THAT YOU DON’T HAVE A GRUB’S FUCKING UNDERSTANDING OF BASIC TEMPORAL MECHANICS.
CG: IF I FIND OUT WHAT YOU DID THEN GO BACK TO FIX IT WE WON’T BE IN THE ALPHA TIMELINE ANYMORE, DIPSHIT.
CG: BESIDES I ALREADY KNOW WHAT YOU DID. WHAT I WANT TO UNDERSTAND IS WHY.
CG: WAS THERE A MOMENT IN YOUR SESSION WHEN YOU GOT WHACKED IN THE HEAD BY AN OGRE TOO HARD, CRACKING OPEN YOUR THINK PAN AND IMPAIRING YOUR JUDGEMENT?
CG: WERE YOU OFFERED SOME SORT OF BARGAIN OR PROMISE OR TREASURE IN EXCHANGE FOR LETTING IT HAPPEN?
CG: IF THESE ARE IN FACT MY LAST HOURS ALIVE LET THEM BE SPENT WATCHING YOUR EVERY MOVE SO THAT I MAY ATTEMPT TO COMPREHEND YOUR FUCKING THOUGHT PROCESS BEFORE I DIE.
CG: YOU KNOW, THE THOUGHT PROCESS THAT FUCKING DOOMS US ALL?
CG: YOUR TIMELINE IS A MOVIE THAT UNFOLDS TO THE MOST IDIOTIC CLIMAX IN HISTORY. I HAVE THE POPCORN READY.
EB: can you at least shut up while you creepily watch my every move? people don’t normally yell at the screen during movies.
EB: wait never mind you’re probably that annoying guy in the back of the theatre who totally does.
EB: hey annoying guy, could you tell me if your girlfriend actually ends up killing me so i can warn my friends?
CG: SHE IS NOT MY FUCKING GIRLFRIEND.
EB: okay.
EB: hey annoying guy, could you tell me if your not fucking girlfriend actually ends up killing me so i can warn my friends?
CG: WHO KNOWS???
CG: OH WAIT THAT’S RIGHT I DO.
CG: YEAH, I SAW THAT MESSAGE SHE SENT YOU EARLIER ABOUT WANTING TO SMELL YOU DIE AND SHIT. DON’T TAKE IT PERSONALLY, IT’S KIND OF HOW SHE SAYS HELLO.
CG: BUT NO YOU DON’T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT HER ANYMORE.
CG: AS A MATTER OF FACT YOU WON’T BE RECEIVING MESSAGES FROM ANYONE ELSE DURING YOUR SESSION. YOUR TIMELINE IS SEALED OFF TO ME, AND ONLY TO ME.
EB: too bad. she was the only one who actually seemed sort of threatening.
CG: FUCK YOU.
CG: NOW I ALMOST DON’T WANT TO COMMEND YOU FOR WHAT I PLANNED ON COMMENDING YOU FOR BEFORE.
EB: good, because i don’t caaaaare.
CG: FROM ONE PROGRAMMER TO ANOTHER, I FIGURE I SHOULD GIVE YOU CREDIT FOR THE SECTION YOU WROTE IN THE ROSE HUMAN’S GUIDE. THE ONE ON PUNCH CARD ALCHEMY.
CG: IT WASN’T COMPLETELY FUCKTARDED.
EB: uh.
EB: thanks? i guess.
CG: NEAR THE END YOU MENTIONED THE POSSIBILITY OF AN ALGORITHM THAT COULD BE USED TO SEPERATE COMPLEX ITEMS INTO INDIVIDUAL PARTS. I HATE TO ADMIT THAT I’M ACTUALLY PRETTY IMPRESSED YOU MANAGED TO FIGURE ALL THAT ALL OUT FOR YOURSELF.
EB: hold on a sec while i alchemize a tray to hold all these backhanded compliments.
CG: SHUT UP AND LET ME FINISH.
CG: THERE IS AN ALGORITHM. ONE OF THE OTHERS FIGURED IT OUT.
CG: SO YEAH. YOU WERE RIGHT.
EB: oh okay. that’s pretty cool.
CG: NOW TELL ME.
CG: WHAT IS THE FUNCTION OF A POGO RIDE.
EB: what do you mean?
CG: I WAS TESTING THE VALIDITY OF YOUR GUIDE AND I UTILIZED THE CODES YOU PROVIDED AS EXAMPLES.
CG: I PRODUCED A HAMMER AND A POGO RIDE.
CG: THE PURPOSE OF THE HAMMER IS OBVIOUS BUT THE POGO RIDE REMAINS AN ENIGMA.
EB: it is an exquisite asian delicacy as expensive as it is rare. you should probably try licking it all over.
CG: POINTS FOR EFFORT, BUT SOMEONE’S ALREADY DONE THAT.
EB: wut.
CG: NOW WHAT DO I DO WITH THE POGO RIDE?
EB: you’re supposed to ride it, dumbass.
EB: it’s right there in the name.
CG: OKAY SEE NOW I KNOW YOU’RE YANKING MY BULGE AGAIN.
CG: THE POGO RIDE IS LAYING PROSTRATE ON THE FLOOR LIKE A GIANT LEGLESS GREEN WIGGLER JUST STARING AT ME WITH THAT GOOFY FUCKING GRIN MELTED ONTO ITS GOOFY FUCKING FACE. HOW AM I EXPECTED TO RIDE IT.
EB: it comes with a big metal spiral part sticking out the bottom, right?
CG: YEAH.
EB: you have to go outside and shove some of the coily part in the dirt somewhere so it stands up.
EB: get one of your stronger troll buddies to help you.
CG: WOAH WOAH, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I’M NOT STRONG ENOUGH TO DO IT MYSELF, YOU OBNOXIOUS DOUCHEFUCK?
EB: please.
EB: alien or not, you are obviously a bored nerd who does not possess the mangrit needed to shove a pogo ride into the ground because he’s too busy spending all his free time yelling at people over the internet while living in his basement.
EB: or, you know. whatever your super cool alien planet calls basements!
EB: (that was sarcasm.)
EB: (your planet is stupid.)
CG: OH.
CG: OKAY I WAS NOT EXPECTING THAT.
CG: YOU’RE ACTUALLY NOT HALF BAD ONCE YOU GET TALKING.
CG: ALSO MY PLANET WAS DESTROYED YOU INSENSITIVE JACKASS.
EB: ...oh.
EB: so what, are you guys on a spaceship or something?
CG: HOLY FUCK THE IRONY OF YOU ATTEMPTING TO GIVE A SHIT ABOUT OUR WELL BEING IS HILARIOUS.
CG: LOOK AT ALL THESE NOISES OF AMUSEMENT TUMBLING OUT OF MY MOUTH RIGHT NOW.
EB: oh yeah man, this method of trolling is way more effective. i am tripping all over these sick burns!
EB: remind why i shouldn’t close the window again?
CG: THE JETPACK.
EB: what?
CG: THE JETPACK YOU MADE, MORON, IT’S USELESS BECAUSE IT’S CRAMMED WITH RANDOM SHIT.
CG: GIVE ME THE CODE AND I’LL USE THE ALGORITHM I MENTIONED EARLIER FOR SEPERATION.
EB: wait, so now you want to help me out all of a sudden?
EB: i am getting mixed signals here.
CG: TELL ME ABOUT IT.
CG: LOOK, IT’S THE ONLY LOGICAL WAY I CAN KEEP TROLLING YOU. EMBEDDING A FEW PROTIPS IN THE SPLASH ZONE OF MY ACID RAGE SO YOU’LL ACTUALLY LISTEN TO THE REST OF WHAT I HAVE TO SAY.
EB: you mean listen to you use a zillion metaphors to describe how much you hate me?
CG: PRETTY MUCH YEAH.
EB: hmmmmmmmmmm.
CG: HMMMMM?
CG: WHAT HMMMMMMM THERE IS NOTHING HMMMMMMMMM WORTHY GOING ON NOW.
EB: if i didn’t know any better, i’d think you had an ulterior motive for talking to me.
EB: like you needed me for something.
CG: I
CG: WOW
CG: GIVE ME A FEW SECONDS TO SCRAPE MY THINK PAN OFF THE WALL BEHIND ME BECAUSE THE ABSURDITY OF THAT CLAIM JUST BLEW MY FUCKING MIND.
EB: you loathe my existence and hack through my blockades and clutter up most of our chats yelling at me for being alive. there must be another reason for why you keep going through all the trouble to come back, and more importantly why you need me to keep responding.
EB: i am getting the feeling there’s more to it than “bluh bluh i’m doing it because i don’t like you”.
CG: LIKE HELL THERE IS.
CG: NOT MY FUCKING PROBLEM IF YOU UNDERESTIMATE THE FERVENCY OF MY HATRED.
EB: okay.
EB: ride the pogo ride.
CG: ...WHAT.
EB: get up off your lazy basement butt, go set up the pogo ride somewhere, and ride it. then come back to me and explain your experience in detail.
EB: and don’t lie because i spent hours on that thing as a little kid and i will know if you are faking.
CG: WHY THE HELL SHOULD I AGREE TO SOMETHING LIKE THAT?
EB: do it.
CG: NO FUCKING WAY.
EB: do it.
CG: I WOULD RATHER HAVE MY VISUAL ORBS SWITCHED OUT WITH MY SHAME GLOBES AND SPEND THE REST OF MY LIFE PERCEIVING THE WORLD THROUGH MY CROTCH.
EB: do it or i’ll spend the rest of the game ignoring you.
CG: GOD FUCKING DAMN YOU.
EB: knew it. :B

==> END OF ACT ONE.