Chapter 1: ==> JOHN: Have an awesome idea.
--ectoBiologist [EB]began pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] at 13:02--
TT: John. I am glad to see you have the energy to log onto Pesterchum.
EB: well sure why wouldn’t i?
TT: I don’t know. Possibly because you have been taking care of attempting to integrate a large number of borderline-sociopaths into society.
EB: haha, rose you are always such a pessimist!!! they aren’t sociopaths silly they are just from a different culture!!! and vriska has already agreed not to kill anyone!
TT: In any case, John, is this merely a social call, or did you actually have a reason to contact me?
EB: well yeah, i just had the best idea. you are not going to believe how awesome an idea it is!!!
TT: You have been hanging out with Vriska quite a bit, haven’t you?
EB: i guess? i have been spending a lot of time with all the trolls because even though they are sort of big celebrities now they think it’s kind of weird. anyways that’s kind of what i wanted to talk to you about. kanaya misses you a lot! actually the trolls mostly kind of miss you guys because they say they barely got to meet you! and i miss you and jade and dave a lot too. so i thought maybe we could all take a vacation together since it’s summer vacation and then I thought the trolls have never been to any of the special places that all of us humans have, right?
TT: John, I am getting a little nervous about what you are about to propose.
EB: let’s take them to disneyland!!!
EB: you are totally stunned by the awesomeness of this plan aren't you?
Chapter 2: ==> KARKAT: Attempt to make preparations pertaining to politeness.
PAST carcinoGeneticist [PCG] 5:24 HOURS AGO opened public transtimeline bulletin board THE HAPPIEST PLACE ON EARTH I GUESS.
PCG opened 5:21 HOURS AGO opened memo on board THE HAPPIEST PLACE ON EARTH I GUESS.
PCG: WELL HERE WE GO AGAIN YOU BULGE-SNIFFING GRUB-MANGLERS. LISTEN, THIS IS REALLY IMPORTANT. AS I AM SURE ALL OF YOU ARE AWARE BY NOW, THE HUMANS ARE TAKING US TO SOME WEIRD MAGIC FANTASY PLACE CALLED "DISNEYLAND".
PAST arsenicCatnip [PAC] 5:20 HOURS AGO responded to memo.
PAC: :33>*ac excitedly responds that everything is just purrfect! she thinks that john is the best human ever and she cannot wait to get to this magical place where anything is pawsible purrticularly quadrant things!*
PCG: WELL I'M GLAD SOMEBODY IS EXCITED, EVEN IF IT IS THE GRUB-LICKER WHO HAS NEVER YET FAILED TO BE EXCITED ABOUT FUCKING ANYTHING.
PCG: WAIT. FUCK. NO.
PAC: :33>*ac giggles at Karkitty being silly as usual*
PCG: OKAY WHATEVER. THE POINT IS THAT THE HUMANS ARE VERY KINDLY OFFERING TO TAKE US ON THIS MAGIC TRIP THING SO IT'S VERY IMPORTANT THAT WE NOT ACT LIKE RECALCITRANT GRUBS. WE NEED TO BE FUCKING POLITE EVEN IF THAT WORD IS OCCASIONALLY NOT IN SOME OF OUR VOCABULARY.
PAST arachnidsGrip [PAG] 5:14 HOURS AGO responded to memo.
PAG: I have already promised not to kill 8nyone! What more do you waaaaaaaant????????
PCG: OKAY VRISKA THAT IS VERY NICE, IN FACT WHAT A FUCKING DUMBASS I AM NOT TO HAVE REALIZED THAT BEING POLITE IS ESSENTIALLY EQUIVALENT TO NOT MURDERING EVERYTHING IN SIGHT.
CURRENT terminallyCapricious [CTC] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.
CTC: wHoA mAn, yOu HaVe No MoThErFuCkInG cLuE hOw AwEsOmE aLl ThIs Is. It'S sO mOtHeRfUcKiNg ToUcHiNg.
PCG: ARE YOU ALREADY THERE? OH FOR GOD'S SAKE GO START YOUR OWN MEMO.
PCG banned CTC from responding to memo.
PAG: If you didn't want 8ll of us responding to the memo then whyyyyyyyy did you post a 8oard using 8ll the tr8nstimeline cr8p????????
CURRENT carcinoGeneticist [CCG] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.
CCG: BECAUSE PAST ME IS SUCH A NOOK-SUCKING BULGE-HOOFER THAT HE DIDN'T BOTHER ASKING ANYONE HOW TO TURN THE TRANSTIMELINE SHIT OFF.
PCG: OH FOR GOD'S SAKE LET'S NOT START THIS AGAIN. FUTURE ME ARE YOU NOT AWARE OF WHAT AN IDIOT YOU ARE MAKING US LOOK AGAIN? I THOUGHT WE'D ALREADY FIGURED THIS OUT BUT I GUESS YOU PREFER MAKING ME LOOK LIKE AN IDIOT MORE THAN YOU LIKE NOT LOOKING LIKE AN ASSHOLE.
PAC: :33>*ac thinks Karkitty is cute when he argues with himself!*
PCG banned CCG from responding to memo.
PCG banned PAC from responding to memo.
PCG: OKAY, LOOK, STUPID ARGUMENTS ASIDE THE POINT OF THIS MEMO IS TO REMIND EVERYBODY TO BE POLITE AND I MEAN POLITE BY HUMAN STANDARDS NOT BY TROLL ONES. SO THAT MEANS NO KILLING AND NO FIGHTING AND NO MAIMING AND NO CHASING AFTER HUMANS IN A REDROM CONTEXT THAT THEY WON'T APPRECIATE. I'M LOOKING AT YOU, PYROPE.
FUTURE gallowsCalibrator [FGC] 14:31 HOURS FROM NOW responded to memo.
PCG: WHAT THE FUCK, TEREZI?
FGC: I 4M JUST L4UGH1NG 4T HOW YOU TH1NK 1M TH3 ONLY ON3 YOU N33D TO S4Y TH4T TO, K4RK4T. 1T'S 4DOR4BL3.
PCG: WHAT THE GRIMDARK HORROR-TERRORS IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?
FGC: TH4T 1S SUPPOS3D TO M34N SOM3TH1NG 1 C4NT T3LL YOU W1THOUT SH4TT3R1NG C4US4L1TY 1TS3LF
PCG banned FGC from responding to memo.
PCG: OKAY FUCK THIS SHIT. I AM OFFICIALLY ENRAGED RIGHT NOW. STOP RESPONDING TO THIS MEMO TO SAY STUPID STUFF. YOU ARE ONLY ALLOWED TO TALK ABOUT BEING POLITE IN A HUMAN-LIKE CONTEXT. ANYTHING ELSE WILL RESULT IN IMMEDIATE BANNING.
FUTURE carcinoGeneticist [FCG] 00:24 HOURS FROM NOW responded to memo.
FCG: OKAY OUT OF THE WAY PAST ME, I'M COMMANDEERING THIS SHIT.
PCG: WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK?
FUTURE gardenGnostic [FGG] 00:24 HOURS FROM NOW responded to memo.
GG: sorry past karkat!! but this is actually really important! we tried starting a new memo but for some reason it wouldn't let us :(:(
PCG: HEY WHO SAID THE HUMANS COULD RESPOND TO THIS? THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE PRIVATE TO THE TROLLS SO THE HUMANS CAN'T SEE WHAT LAME FLUID-SNORTING WRIGGLERS WE ALL ARE!
FCG: WELL, MAYBE IF YOU HAD ACTUALLY TOLD EVERYONE WHAT THEY WERE SUPPOSED TO BE DOING INSTEAD OF SETTING IT UP IN A LAME MEMO FOR THEM ALL TO MAKE FUN OF, WE WOULDN'T BE HAVING THIS FORK-FISTING TROUBLE RIGHT NOW!
FUTURE turntechGodhead [FTG] 00:25 HOURS FROM NOW responded to memo.
FTG: dudes chill
FTG: we dont have time to be fucking around arguing all the fucking time
FCG: I'LL TAKE CARE OF IT.
FCG banned PCG from responding to memo.
PAST carcinoGeneticist [PCG] 5:18 HOURS AGO responded to memo.
PCG: YOU CAN'T BAN ME I CREATED THIS BULGE-LICKING BOARD!
PCG banned FCG from responding to memo.
FUTURE ectoBiologist [FEB] 00:26 HOURS FROM NOW responded to memo.
FEB: hey karkat!!! okay, so i know this is really annoying of us and stuff but your memo is the best way we can communicate between everyone right now because some weird stuff happened to pesterchum for some reason!
FEB: and i know you hate doing anything nice for any versions of yourself but
FEB: this is kind of really important because we have to find everybody, so maybe just this once you could let yourself do the right thing? it took us a really long time just to find him!
PCG: OH GOD THIS IS ALL ABOUT FUTURE TROLLS DOING FUCKING STUPID AND UN-POLITE UN-HUMANISH THINGS ISN'T IT?
FEB: well, it is not that bad!
FTG: its just that shit is happening right now dude
FGG: i'm sure it will all be okay! :):):) we just have to find everyone! so we have to coordinate better!
FUTURE tentacleTherapist [FTT] 00:28 HOURS FROM NOW responded to memo.
FTT: I have just ascertained that Tavros is indeed precisely where we suspected he was.
FGG: you mean he is on the peter pan ride??? :D
FTT: I believe I said on no account to mention the location over chat.
FGG: oops :(
FUTURE arachnidsGrip [FAG] 00:28 HOURS FROM NOW responded to memo.
FAG: FLY PUPA FLYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!
FUTURE arachnidsGrip ceased responding to memo.
FTG: fuck thats just great
PAST grimAuxiliatrix [PGA] 01:21 HOURS AGO responded to memo.
PGA: Excuse Me, Not To Interrupt. But Does Anyone Know Where Karkat Is At This Particular Time?
FTT: I'm afraid I am unable to tell you, as I recall you telling me that I told you I was unable to tell you. I can tell you that you will discover him in less than two hours, however.
PGA: Very Well, Rose, Thank You.
PAST grimAuxiliatrix ceased responding to memo.
PCG: OH FUCK ME. THIS IS GETTING WAY TOO COMPLICATED.
PCG unbanned FCG from responding to memo.
PCG banned PCG from responding to memo.
FCG: OKAY GOOD, NOW THAT WE'RE ALL HERE LET'S START FIGURING OUT WHAT'S GOING ON SHALL WE?
Chapter 3: ==> KIDS: Search frantically for missing party members.
==> Be JADE HARLEY.
You are JADE HARLEY. You have just stopped vomiting into a plastic bag, a condition which was brought on by eating an entire funnel cake followed by going on the tea-cups! You are still feeling pretty wobbly. You look around. You are SURE that TAVROS NITRAM was supposed to be waiting for you, but all you see are lots and lots of pink humans. Not a single troll. Hmmmm. This is a little disquieting.
Suddenly, your phone vibrates!
tentacleTherapist [TT] began pestering gardenGnostic [GG] at 13:21.
GG: yes rose it's me!!! :)
TT: Where are you?
GG: i'm by the teacups. i just threw up :(
TT: My condolences. Are any of the trolls with you?
GG: um, no. tavros was supposed to be here but i think he's gone now. :( i can't believe he didn't wait for me! >:(
TT: This is worrisome.
GG: why what's wrong?
TT: I have just contacted both John and Dave and neither of them has been able to keep track of any of the trolls either.
TT: To put this more succinctly: they are all lost somewhere in Disneyland.
GG: uh oh :( that could be bad
TT: My feelings precisely. Furthermore, none of them are answering their Trollian clients.
GG: i will start looking for them right away okay? i just wish i had a clue where to look...
TT: As do I. If you hear screams, I suggest you head in that direction.
TT stopped pestering GG.
Okay, this is a minor problem. There are twelve trolls loose in Disneyland and none of them are being supervised! You had better do something about this, quick! You gird up your LASS LOINS and prepare for some serious searching! Since you have no idea where to start, you had better just start in the middle and work outward in a grid pattern! You really wish Bec were here. He could make all of this a lot easier. On the other hand, he could also make it a lot harder. Maybe it's a good thing he isn't! Having girded yourself sufficiently, you set off at a healthy LASS TROT in the direction of the center of Disneyland--Sleeping Beauty's castle!
==> Be ROSE LALONDE.
You are ROSE LALONDE. You have a headache. You wish you were anybody OTHER than ROSE LALONDE.
==> Be DAVE STRIDER.
Shit, no, dude, you're not Dave Strider.
==> Fine then. Be ROSE LALONDE again.
You meant that metaphorically, about being anybody other than ROSE LALONDE. Moving on. You are deeply and fundamentally irritated to the core of your being. You feel that every single prediction that flashed through your head when John suggested this silly field trip is about to come true. Nonetheless, you are a competent personage, and, as such, must somehow stop this entire disaster from getting completely out of hand.
So, how on earth are you planning to do that? Well, you had better start by finding at least one of the missing trolls. Disneyland is not that large; surely you ought to be tripping over trolls by now.
There are, indeed, screams nearby. However, they are emanating from the Haunted Mansion, and are therefore conceivably non-troll-related. On the other hand, it is entirely possible that a certain troll-maiden who is enamored of a certain blood-drinking archetype, would have found her way into said Haunted Mansion. At any rate, it is worth investigating.
==> Explore HAUNTED MANSION.
First of all you have to explore the line for the Haunted Mansion. It is extraordinarily long, not unlike all the other lines you have passed today. You are glad that John pulled all of the trolls together for a "feelings jam" earlier in which he explained the concept of lines to them. You are a little skeptical that all of them were paying attention, however.
==> Wait FOREVER.
Having waited for a little under forever, you are ushered into the Haunted Mansion, where several juvenile attempts to frighten you are made and fail spectacularly. However, your mission is a SUCCESS! You discover Kanaya wandering around the Haunted Mansion and convince her to squeeze onto your cart beside you. She confesses she was hoping there would be more Rainbow Drinkers and agrees to access the MEMO you recall Karkat having briefly mentioned earlier, as she tells you that for some reason Trollian appears to be malfunctioning. This necessitates a slight change in plan and it becomes more urgent than ever that you contact Karkat. Unfortunately, the best Kanaya can report from the memo is that you will find Karkat sometime within the next two hours. You hope that it will not be too late for Disneyland by that point.
TT: John, what is your status?
EB: sorry, Rose, I haven't found anyone yet.
EB: i've been waiting in line for pirates of the caribbean because i thought maybe vriska would be here but i haven't seen her yet.
TT: That is a good thought, and you should stay there.
TT stopped pestering EB
TT: Dave, your status, please?
TG: i dont have shit sorry sis
TT: Does this mean that you are saying in your inimitable manner that you, like John, are completely stymied?
TG: thats about what im saying yeah
TG: the trolls are pretty fucking good at not being found i guess???
TG: also its kind of hard to look since the lines are pretty fucking long i mean this shit is for real
TT: Dave, where are you?
TG: im at star tours hoping i will find gillface or someone
TG: i figure he loves magic wands so much might as well check the fucking light-saber place motherfucking queen of the magic wands
TT: Dave, there are any number of places in this park which might be said to have an overt emphasis on "magic wands."
TG: well shit yeah but i didnt think hed be so culturally enlightened as to go for the gay shit first
TT: That is not what I meant, though I am unsurprised that what you call your "sense of humor" found itself unable to pass up such a golden opportunity.
TT: You just went to Star Tours because you wanted to, didn't you?
TG: i dont know what youre talking about sis this place is like shitting irony left and right
TG: why would i need to pick one specific source of fucking irony?
TT: Because you are a male. Because you are Dave. Because of many psychological reasons which I do not feel it is fitting to go into right now.
TT: Have fun at Star Tours.
TT stopped pestering TG.
TT: Please tell me you have good news to report, Jade.
GG: uh...not really :( i haven't found anyone yet :(:(
GG: i'm sorry :(
TT: I am unsurprised if unenthusiastic about this turn of events.
GG: wait, i think i saw somebody!!! oh my god it's karkat!!! =D
TT: Where is he?
GG: he just came out of sleeping beauty's castle and then went back in! i'd better go after him
TT: Two out of twelve is not bad, even if the two we have so far managed to find are probably the least un-sensible of the trolls.
GG: he is just looking at all the dioramas! oh...oh wow...
TT: What is the matter? Has something terrible happened?
GG: :( Karkat is...
TT: Karkat is what? Has he started maiming everyone in sight? Do we now have a rabid troll to contend with?
GG: Karkat is crying :'(
GG stopped pestering TT
Chapter 4: ==> JADE: Discover the effects of sugar on trolls.
==> Be KARKAT VANTAS.
You are KARKAT VANTAS. You are crying, because fuck, it's so beautiful.
You are completely and utterly aware that you are acting like a dumb grub, or, alternatively, like Gamzee, but you can't seem to stop. You've been on this stupid planet for days, trying to learn how to be human enough not to fuck up and get yourself murdered (at least for once your blood-color is kind of handy, since it means you're actually LESS of a freak than anyone else).
And now, you're here, at a place that the humans call the "happiest place on earth," and, fuck, you're crying.
And we're not talking about a few teeny-tiny drops of red you might be able to disguise. No, this is a full-out tidal wave and snot-storm extraordinaire. You are pretty sure that several humans have passed you and then hurried away fearfully, which is not surprising, because the noises you can't seem to stop making probably sound kind of growly and fierce to them, or maybe humans just don't like tears that are a weird red color. The day you discovered humans' tears aren't the same color as their blood was pretty weird for you, so you guess it would be similarly weird the other way around.
Okay, PRESENT YOU, you are being fucking stupid. You need to TROLL UP and stop this. Nobody cares that Troll Sleeping Beauty was your favorite fairy-tale when you were a tiny GRUBLING. Nobody cares that the human version is even more fucking beautiful than the troll version, or that the pictures are so lovingly crafted, more lovingly than anything you've ever seen, Alternia not being a good place for high art. You try to tell yourself that it's a happy story, that the matesprits end up together, that they kill the evil fairy--but that just reminds you of TEREZI'S LUSUS, and you wind up bawling even harder.
Somebody touches you on the shoulder, and you whip around, ready to defend yourself, but it's just Jade, who, let's be honest, you barely recognized because you've barely seen her before. She has her black hair up in what the humans call a pony-tail (although you don't really see the resemblance), and she is wearing a green tank-top and a pair of blue jeans. She looks a little bit nervous, but she also looks as if she honestly cares what's wrong. Oh fuck.
==> Be JADE HARLEY.
Oh, wow. You are not sure that you have ever seen anybody look this sad. Karkat's face is all scrunched up and covered in red liquid (which might be tears and it might be snot and it might be both), and it looks like he might have been biting his lips. His shoulders are still shaking and he's trying unsuccessfully to keep down the growling sobs that are forcing their way out of his mouth.
JADE: karkat, what's wrong?
JADE: it's okay karkat! :) everybody gets kind of down sometimes!
KARKAT: FUCK ME. I AM SUCH A FUCKING DOUCHEBAG.
JADE: you shouldn't say things like that about yourself :(.
JADE: we have to make you feel better!
You think hard. You aren't really used to comforting people, having grown up on a remote South Sea Island with no one around to comfort (since Bec didn't usually get too sad). But you have read a lot of books and talked to John a lot, so you think you have a few ideas anyway.
JADE: we're going to start with a hug, okay? =D
KARKAT: WHAT NO WAIT ONE BULGE-LICKING SECOND
==> JADE: Give KARKAT a HUG!
You ignore Karkat's protestations and gingerly put your arms around him. You're a little nervous because he IS a troll, and he does sort of have horns and razor-sharp claws and stuff and he's probably really strong (although not as STRONG as Equius claims he is), but he is your FRIEND and that's what friends are for!
He seems pretty tense at first, but you press yourself against him, and he feels a lot less like a weird monster than you'd expected. Mostly he feels like a burly teenage boy. Your hands are touching the skin at the back of his neck because you're trying to get him to bend down into the hug (since he's so much taller than you). It's kind of rough and scaly but that's okay; it's not really all that weird and it feels kind of fun.
KARKAT: WHAT THE EVER-LOVING FUCK DO I DO NOW?
JADE: you put your arms around ME silly!
JADE: and squeeze but not too hard okay? :)
KARKAT: UH OKAY.
He puts his arms down around your back sort of crossing over and lets them hang limply. Well, that's good enough for now, you guess. He lets his head fall to rest on your shoulder, which is really good, even if it means you are getting all sorts of troll bodily fluid all down your shoulder and probably onto your nice green tank-top. He gives a giant sniff, and you can tell that he is still crying, because the tears are still leaking out wetly, but at least he isn't wailing anymore.
You feel a tug on your jeans and look down. There is a small child looking up at you of unidentified gender. Behind it, both parents are looking on with expressions of paternal and maternal pride. It asks in a very small voice if it can get a photo with you and the monster you just tamed. You look at Karkat and wonder if he is offended by being called a monster, but he is actually going kind of red, and it's actually kind of cute. He doesn't seem upset, though, so you say okay and tuck the little kid between the two of you.
Karkat is really good about the photo. He doesn't wriggle or move and he manages to smile and doesn't even swear when the flash goes off, even though you know light is more of sore point for the trolls than it is for most humans. John insisted that everybody get sunglasses before coming, but it looks like Karkat has already lost his. He even pats the kid on the head (after you show him what to do) really, really gently.
The kid's parents thank you with giant smiles and then take their offspring away. The kid is already babbling and excited about how amazing it was to get its picture taken with the princess and the monster, and one of the parents says it was probably a modernist reinterpretation of Beauty and the Beast. You guess they don't watch the news much, and then you kind of hope that Karkat didn't hear that because if he knows the story of Beauty and the Beast, then he might sort of get the wrong idea.
JADE: okay, now you've had a hug, are you feeling any better? :):):)
KARKAT: UH I GUESS SO. KIND OF.
JADE: good! but i think just to be sure, we'd better get you something sweet to eat!
JADE: like ice cream or cotton candy =D
KARKAT: UH OKAY.
==> Be KARKAT VANTAS.
Oh fuck. You sound exactly like TAVROS NITRAM. What is with all of the UH's that have suddenly taken up residence in your vocabulary? This is not the way a FEARLESS LEADER behaves! Except you aren't really the leader anymore, and this isn't your world, and everything is a little bit...weird.
And now you are being taken off by Jade, who is frankly even more awesome in person than you had ever suspected during the game, to eat sweet things. And she gave you a hug, which even if you were pretty fucking bad at it, was kind of awesome. And there was a small human child who didn't run away screaming. That was kind of cool, because you suddenly find you would be sad if humans ran away screaming from you, which is pretty weird and a pretty new sensation because you always liked it when everybody stayed away before. But everything has been different since the end of the game and since a lot of people weren't dead anymore, and you feel like even if you were a FAILURE, well, it kind of worked out. And you've been feeling sort of raw and fucking VULNERABLE so you guess it's a good thing there aren't any culling squads on earth because fuck you would be so dead.
Jade asks you if you want cotton candy or ice cream, but you don't really know, so she decides you should have cotton candy. This turns out to be some kind of strange earth delicacy that looks fucking enormous but you bite into it and suddenly there's nothing in your mouth but a few grains of OH FUCK WHAT.
KARKAT: OH FUCK WHAT.
JADE: what's wrong karkat??? don't you like it??? :(
KARKAT: FUCK THIS IS THE MOST AMAZING THING I HAVE EVER PUT INTO MY BULGE-SUCKING MOUTH. I HAVE NEVER TASTED ANYTHING REMOTELY LIKE THIS IN THE ENTIRETY OF MY LAME AND USELESS EXISTENCE.
JADE: oh wow. it's uh just cotton candy...oh wait, do trolls eat sugar? :S
You don't know what Jade is talking about, but that might be because of the fact you can't really think properly anymore. Your entire head seems to have floated off and been replaced by a delicious pink cloud. Oh wait, that might be because you have jammed your face into this giant pink cloud of cotton candy in order to inhale it more efficiently.
This. This is the most glorious thing you have ever come into contact with, and, as you lick the last delectable little grains from the stick, you look up, and you look at Jade, who seems both amused and concerned. And that's when you realize it.
Oh god. Ever since the hug your body has been trying to tell you something, but it took the touch of this fucking heavenly cotton candy to let you see just what it was. And it's this: Jade is really fucking pretty. And sweet. And you suddenly realize that you are head-over-heels flushed for Jade Harley.
Fuck. No wonder future Terezi was laughing at you.
Chapter 5: ==> DAVE: Discover adverse effects of lollipops on troll girls.
Many, many thanks to my two awesome beta-ers! =D Also thanks for all the kudos I've been getting, you guys are great! =D
==> Be DAVE STRIDER.
You are DAVE STRIDER, and you have just finished IRONICALLY ENJOYING Star Tours. You have to admit that anything with 3D glasses is pretty cool in its own right, even if you are kind of suspicious about a franchise that is in any way connected to the Muppets.
It's kind of a problem that you didn't run into any of the trolls inside Star Tours, though. Rose is probably off her head by now. You check your phone and note that you've got about fifty new text messages. It seems she's managed to find Kanaya, and Jade has spotted Karkat but is no longer responding.
You square your shoulders. Clearly it is up to you to save Disneyland. Good thing you're prepared for this shit. Rose needs to chill. You've saved the universe once. Disneyland should be a piece of fucking cake.
Still, you're kind of embarrassed that both Rose and Jade seem to have managed to find trolls before you had even got out of Star Tours. You are going to have to kick it up a notch, to quote a TV program that Bro is fond of leaving on. You're not sure if he watches it (IRONICALLY or not), or if he just leaves Cal sitting in front of it to creep you out, but whatever.
You head for Main Street. You figure it can't hurt to start in a place where there aren't lines that you'd have to wait through and then probably fail to find anyone in the rides. And--SUCCESS! As you stroll nonchalantly down the street, you catch sight of a head of teal-black hair and distinctly gray arms poking out of her t-shirt. Even without the dragon-headed cane at her feet, you would recognize this particular SK1NNY B1TCH.
==> Be TEREZI PYROPE.
You cannot be TEREZI PYROPE, because Terezi's brain is too busy exploding.
==> Be DAVE STRIDER.
Terezi is sitting on the edge of the street, kind of hunched over. As you get closer, you can see that she is vibrating very quickly, like some kind of string in some lame-ass guitar metaphor. People are walking past her like she's not there.
DAVE: hey terezi whats happening
DAVE: you okay?
DAVE: okay im gonna guess thats a no not some kind of subtle attempt to brush me off
DAVE: feel free to fucking correct me
You kneel down beside Terezi and wonder if you should touch her shoulder. Trolls have fucking giant claws and shit, and you're not really eager to end this trip to Disneyland in the hospital. Ironically or any other way. Still, you're not really sure what else to do, so you reach out and touch her.
She falls over.
DAVE: holy shit
DAVE: what the fuck terezi??
Terezi is actually lying on the sidewalk with her hands in the air like some kind of fucking beetle, twitching like a junkie who hasn't been getting enough sweet powder. That's when you realize maybe the drug metaphor isn't so off because in one hand she is holding one of those fucking enormous swirly-striped lollipops you can get at Disneyland, and, fuck, that's criminal, who sells multicolored candy to a girl who gets her jollies from screaming C4NDY R3D if she gets within a nose-length of a fucking cardinal?
You admit that maybe Disneyland isn't conversant with the finer points of troll anatomy, but still you have to wonder how Terezi held herself together enough to purchase this thing, much less lick it, without flying completely off the handle.
You're not really sure what to do at this point. You decide if you can get her something nice and neutral, like water, her brain might manage to stop spurting off whatever fucking gibberish slam-game it's got going in on in there, but you can't exactly leave her lying here convulsing in the middle of Disneyland. She would probably die in the sun anyway.
You lean down over her and try to pick her up. This close you can see her lips are moving, and you can hear that she's trying to say something.
DAVE: shit yes girl thats candy red
DAVE: and a fuckton of other candy colors as well
DAVE: im gonna suggest that you leave the candy colors alone for a while
Her lips curve upwards in something that kind of maybe might sort of count as a smile, and that's a good sign. That's a very good sign. If she can smile, maybe her brain isn't permanently scrambled and fucking incapable of processing anything ever again like a piece of electronics that's had too high a current vented through it.
You put your arms around her and heave her to her feet, but it's pretty fucking obvious that she's not going to be able to walk anywhere, so you sling her up onto your back. Gog, she's heavy. She must be like twice as heavy as Rose or Jade. Fucking trolls. It's got to be all her bones, too, because she's as skinny as a rail. Skinny enough that if she were human you would be smacking her and telling her to eat more, but you're not sure what's healthy for trolls, so you guess you're not going to do that. Plus look what happens when she tries to eat.
Fuck. You're not going to be able to get very far with her draped across you like this. You're like the gogdamn Hunchback of Notre Dame, which was a shitty movie, largely because of all the shitty puppets and puppet-motifs. You stagger over to a nearby restaurant, more of a glorified food stall, really, but, oh, thank fuck, it has tables outside it, and you manage to get Terezi into a chair in the shade, even if she isn't really sitting on it, but more like curled around it with her heels knocking at the bottom.
==> DAVE: Part with an OBSCENE AMOUNT of hard-won cash.
You rush into the restaurant, shove through a huge crowd of people while mumbling about an emergency and sunstroke, make it to the counter and receive a small bottle of water after digging out what you swear is the water's fucking weight in gold.
You return to the table, where you find Terezi in exactly the same position she was in before. A steady stream of drool is making its way down the outside of her chin, and her face is frozen into a fucking skeletal grin. You really hope that this water will help because if not Terezi's going to be spending her last days ironically attached to an I.V. in a mental hospital.
==>DAVE: Attempt to save TEREZI from FATE WORSE THAN DEATH.
You try to pry her mouth open, but figure out pretty quickly that that's not going to work, since she's ridiculously strong. So you tip her chair back and pour the water onto her mouth, hoping some of it will work its way between her teeth. Shit, you hope she doesn't choke on it, because you like Terezi, a lot, and you're really rather not become the first human troll-murderer in the fucking universe.
But, no, she swallows, so you pour more water in, and she swallows again and again and finally just when you think nothing's going to happen, her mouth relaxes and she slumps forward.
DAVE: terezi??? shit are you okay???
She's kind of wheezing and you're a little worried about that, so you stoop closer to figure out what's going on and that's when you realize that she's laughing. Terezi is fucking LAUGHING. More like fucking cackling, actually.
DAVE: what the fuck you almost died
TEREZI: TH4T W4S THE MOST
DAVE: you almost died you crazy bitch
DAVE: the fuck would i have said to karkat???
TEREZI: 1'V3 N3V3R T4ST3D 4NYTH1NG L1K3 TH4T B3FOR3 H3H3H3
DAVE: youre fucking insane you know that??
TEREZI: OF COURS3 1 4M 1NS4N3 D4V3. W3 4R3 4LL 1NS4NE!!!
TEREZI: W3 SURV1V3D 4 W4R 4ND NOW W3 4R3 1N D1SN3YL4ND
DAVE: shit yeah but thats not what i meant and you know it
TEREZI: 1 F33L 4M4Z1NG 4H4H4H4H4
DAVE: well you scared me a lot
TEREZI: SORRY D4V3 1 D1D NOT M34N TO
DAVE: you also made me spend an obscene amount of money
DAVE: to get you water so you didnt spend the rest of your days shitting yourself in an institution
TEREZI: CL34RLY YOU 4R3 ST1LL 4NNOY3D 4BOUT TH1S.
TEREZI: 1'LL H4V3 TO DO SOM3TH1NG TO F1X 1T.
TEREZI: S1T DOWN, HUM4N BOY.
DAVE: what the fuck? theres nowhere for me to sit except
Terezi reaches up and grabs you by the collar of your shirt and all of a sudden you are sitting in her lap, which is pretty fucking uncomfortably because you swear she's got bones in places that no normal human being could possibly have bones, but you don't really have time to worry about it because her sloppy tongue is out from between her lips and it's oh gog it's all over your face, and she's giggling like a maniac.
TEREZI: TH4NK YOU FOR S4V1NG M3 FROM A F4T3 WORS3 TH4N D34TH, D4V3.
And now she seems to have found your lips, and you should probably be objecting, because Terezi Pyrope is kissing you and shit she's not even human. Except Terezi Pyrope is kissing you at Disneyland and fuck what could be more awesome than that?
Chapter 6: ==> VRISKA: Do something totally unexpected.
==> Be JOHN EGBERT.
You are John Egbert, and you are beginning to realize that things are getting slightly out of your control. You found no trace of Vriska at Pirates of the Caribbean. Once you got out, though, it appears the Rose finally got hold of Karkat, who has given all of you access to his memo, at least after you talked past Karkat into not holding a grudge over his future self. Unfortunately, Jade has let slip Tavros' location, and now there is a good chance you are about to see a huge confrontation at the Peter Pan ride, so you are heading over there as quickly as your LAD SCAMPER will carry you.
==> JOHN: LAD SCAMPER to Peter Pan's Flight.
Phew! You are definitely a little out of shape! But here you are at Peter Pan's Flight! Now to stop terrible things from happening! Unfortunately, you forgot about the line. You could maybe tell everyone it's an emergency, but you haven't heard any screaming yet, and you are a little worried they would think you are just being impolite.
Anyways, you had better check the memo again.
FUTURE ectoBiologist [FEB] 00:27 HOURS FROM NOW responded to memo.
FEB: hi guys! how are we doing?
FUTURE turntechGodhead [FTG] 00:26 HOURS FROM NOW responded to memo.
FTG: were chillin dude
FTG: in case i havent mentioned i totally found terezi
FTG: she had a pretty bad trip with a shitty lollipop
FUTURE gallowsCalibrator [FGC] 00:28 HOURS FROM NOW responded to memo.
FGC: 1F BY TH4T YOU M34N 1 H4D TH3 MOST GLOR1OUS 3XP3R13NC3 OF MY L1FE H4H4H4!!!
FTG: shes still kind of out of it sorry guys
FUTURE tentacleTherapist [FTT] 00:29 HOURS FROM NOW responded to memo.
FTT: I am glad that Terezi has been located.
FTT: I am afraid that I am currently rather busy dealing with my attempts to persuade Aradia to return from the place in which she has ensconced herself.
FTT: I hesitate to name this place as I do not wish to cause a rift in the time-space continuum, and I am considerably less well-versed in time-travel tricks than my esteemed brother.
FTG: shit yeah thats right but im kind of out of practice thanks to being on earth
FTG: where time shit isnt supposed to be a thing
FTG: i guess we can thank the trolls for this shit
FTT: In any case, I can only hope to coordinate to the best of my ability.
FUTURE terminallyCapricious [FTC] 03:13 HOURS FROM NOW responded to memo.
FTC: ThIs Is MoThErFuCkInG gLoRiOuS.
FTC: tHiS sHiT iS lIkE lOoKiNg OnTo ThE mOtHeRfUcKiNg FaCe Of ThE mIrThFuL fUcKiNg MeSsIaHs
FTC: It'S tHe MoThErFuCkInG mOtHeRlOdE oF pEaCe AnD fUcKiNg BrOtHeR aNd SiStErHoOd.
FUTURE carcinoGeneticist [FCG] 02:29 HOURS FROM NOW responded to memo.
FCG: GAMZEE YOU NOOK-LICKING FUCKER WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU?
FTC: I'm In ThE mOtHeRfUcKiNg GaRdEn Of PeAcE, mOiRaIl.
FTC: YoU sHoUlD jOiN mE.
FTC: ThIs Is ThE fUcKiNg ShIt, YoU dIg?
FCG: OKAY I CAN SEE WE'RE REALLY GETTING A LOT OUT OF THIS CONVERSATION.
FCG banned FTC from responding to memo.
FCG ceased responding to memo.
FTT: John, have you reached the Peter Pan ride yet?
FEB: yeah, i have, but i'm stuck in the line!
FTT: John, there are times for politeness and there are other times when politeness is best discarded by the wayside.
FUTURE carcinoGeneticist [FCG] 00:29 HOURS FROM NOW responded to memo.
FCG: BASICALLY YOU NOOK-SNIFFING DOUCHE-CAKE YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE STOPPING VRISKA FROM FUCKING MURDERING TAVROS
FCG: OR CRIPPLING HIM
FCG: SO MAYBE YOU COULD GET A FUCKING MOVE ON
FEB: sorry, guys! i guess you are right
FEB: i was just hoping that
FEB: oh my god
FCG: JOHN WHAT IS IT?
FTG: john are you alive?
FTG: she didnt cut your heart out and ironically feed it to a spider did she
FEB ceased responding to memo.
FCG: WELL FUCK.
FTT: May I respectfully request that one of you others not stuck in a juvenile fantasy go and make certain that John has not spontaneously combusted, been eaten or otherwise been brutally murdered?
FTG: yeah sure sis terezi and ill head out
FTG: i think shell be able to walk
FTG: assuming she doesnt take another fucking lick of that shitty rainbow-colored lolli
FTG: im serious this thing is like the fucking sweaty man-parts of a carebear or something
==> Be TAVROS NITRAM.
You are TAVROS NITRAM, and you have just about completed your third time through the Peter Pan Ride! It is kind of annoying that between every time you have to stand in a long line full of humans who shove you around and stuff and point at your horns and giggle, but you are carefully mindful of what John and the others said about the necessity of standing in line. You wouldn't want to cause a bad impression.
You hope Jade is not irritated at you. You know you shouldn't have left her at the teacups, but you got so excited when you saw this ride on the map that you knew you couldn't even wait another second to experience it, because it was going to be the most amazing thing you had ever experienced!
You were completely right about that, by the way. This is the most amazing thing you have ever experienced. You are so close to being Pupa Pan right now; the only thing that could possibly be better would be if you really actually had wings, but this is basically just like that. You shut your eyes for a minute just to enjoy the sensation of absolutely pure happiness. Then you open them again.
==> TAVROS: Go into HIGH ALERT!
Oh no! In the instant you had your eyes closed, a flying, eight-eyed VILLAINESS approached the little ship-thing that you are sitting in (that you got all to yourself because your horns are really too wide for anyone else to fit). You don't know what to do! Your first instinct is to crouch down really low and hope that she doesn't see you, but you're pretty sure that isn't going to work.
TAVROS: uH, i WOULD LIKE IT IF YOU WOULD, MAYBE, GO AWAY
TAVROS: i AM REALLY ENJOYING MYSELF
TAVROS: aND, UH, I DON'T THINK I LIKE YOU VERY MUCH ANYMORE
TAVROS: i MEAN, AFTER YOU CRIPPLED ME AND THEN KILLED ME,
TAVROS: i KIND OF STOPPED, UH, LIKING YOU AT ALL
TAVROS: iF I EVER DID, WHICH, UH, i'M REALLY NOT SURE ABOUT
==> Be VRISKA SERKET.
You are VRISKA SERKET. You are feeling maybe a little hurt and bewildered, but you're not sure, because it's not the way you're used to feeling. You're used to feeling awesome and perfect, except now that you've talked to John a lot, you're wondering if maybe, possibly, feeling awesome all the time the way you felt it might not actually be as awesome as you thought.
You guess you aren't really surprised that TAVROS is being such a wet blanket and trying to ruin what could be the most awesome moment ever. Then it occurs to you that he has no idea that it is going to be the most awesome moment ever and that maybe you should just make it the most awesome moment ever without engaging in stupid conversational battles. You are, after all, a pirate, and you are VRISKA SERKET and you're pretty damn awesome.
==> Kidnap TAVROS NITRAM.
You swoop down on your blue fairy wings and lift Tavros right out of his seat. The stupid boy starts yelling and he even manages to hit you in the chin which knocks you halfway silly for a minute. He has certainly learned something, and you approve of it! Although you suspect your chin will not approve of it later. But no matter! You are going to make it up to Tavros no matter what he thinks about it!
Somehow, you manage to drag him out of his seat. It's a good thing your wings are magic, because you're not sure if even you, awesome as you are, could carry Tavros by yourself if they weren't. Particularly with the way he keeps trying to hit you. You're starting to get kind of irritated now, but you're holding him close and he's sweaty and real and alive. And you remember how it felt when all of a sudden, he wasn't. He was broken, brown blood everywhere, and it was the strangest feeling. Like you'd broken a favorite toy, only he wasn't a toy, and he couldn't be mended.
VRISKA: Stop struggling, st8pid!!!!!!!!
TAVROS: uH, i DON'T, UH, REALLY WANT TO BE CRIPPLED AGAIN
VRISKA: You worry too much. >::::)
Now you've got him and you're flying free, with Tavros dangling from your arms and you burst out of that stupid dinky little CARNIVAL ride that he was on, and you feel sun on your face and you know he can feel it too, the sun on your face and the wind in your ears, and you flap your wings harder, and now you're flying higher and higher. You catch a glimpse of John in the crowd below, staring up at you with his mouth wide open and you start laughing and laughing, but then you feel Tavros still tense in your arms and you look down and try to explain as best you can.
VRISKA: I 8m trying to 8p8l8gize, you moron!!!!!!!!
==> Be TAVROS NITRAM.
You are TAVROS NITRAM, and you are flying.
Chapter 7: ==> ARADIA: Explore.
==> Be ARADIA MEGIDO.
You are ARADIA MEGIDO. Actually, no you aren't. You are TROLL INDIANA JONES, having ESCAPED from the strange car-thing filled with screaming humans shortly after it entered the Temple of the Forbidden Eye. You are on a QUEST to explore as much of this temple as trollishly possible!
So far it has been pretty damn cool. Even if the spiders were only shadows, and you almost started screaming at the snakes, you have climbed practically all over the inside of this awesome place by now. You think some humans may have seen you, but you DON'T CARE because this is every single one of the dreams you ever had back when you were alive for the first time come true!
You are so happy you think you could burst, except since you aren't a soulbot anymore, you are not actually in danger of physically exploding.
==> Be KANAYA MARYAM.
You are KANAYA MARYAM. You have been accompanying ROSE LALONDE for some time, and you get the feeling that she is not enjoying herself, despite the fact you have now been on several rides with her.
KANAYA: Rose, I Do Not Mean To Appear Presumptuous
KANAYA: But You Seem Somewhat...
ROSE: Yes, Kanaya. I am frustrated, and I have a headache.
ROSE: I feel this entire venture was a stressful waste of time.
KANAYA: Don't You Think You Are Reacting A Little Strongly?
ROSE: No, I don't, and I don't particularly wish to discuss this right now, Kanaya.
ROSE: It is up to us to prevent a disaster of epic proportions.
KANAYA: As You Desire, Of Course.
You think Rose may be taking this whole thing a little too seriously, but you hesitate to point this out, because you think it might just make things worse. In the end, you direct your attention to the memo, as you and Rose wait to board the Indiana Jones ride. You are hoping that you will find someone in there, because you think Rose might actually explode if you don't, and you are a little afraid of finding out that she can still suddenly go grimdark.
FUTURE grimAuxiliatrix [FGA]
00:44 HOURS FROM NOW responded to memo.
FGA: Does Anyone Have Anything New To Report?
FUTURE carcinoGeneticist [FCG] 00:50 HOURS FROM NOW responded to memo.
FCG: FUCK SHIT FUCK
FGA: Shall I Take It That No News Is Good News.
FCG: FUCKING SHIT THIS IS REALLY FUCKING BAD
FUTURE gardenGnostic [FGG] 00:50 HOURS FROM NOW responded to memo.
FGG: i have to say this is probably not good!!! :(
FUTURE tentacleTherapist [FTT] 00:45 HOURS FROM NOW responded to memo.
FTT: What terrible thing has happened?
FTT: We were doing so well at simply skirting disaster.
FTT: I take it we are now careening in that general direction at a breakneck pace?
FCG: FUCK YES YOU REMEMBER THAT ONE RIDE
FCG: WITH THE BLINKING LIGHTS AND THE ROBOTS
FGG: he means star tours!!!!
FTT: Yes, I am aware of the ride you refer to.
FCG: IT'S GOING FUCKING NUCLEAR.
FTT: Is this another of your colorful metaphors, Karkat?
FCG: YEAH SURE IT'S A METAPHOR
FCG: A METAPHOR FULL OF SCREAMING AND EXPLOSIONS
FCG: THAT KIND OF NOOK-WIFFING METAPHOR
FGA: Do You Know What Is Happening?
FGA: Are You Sure This Has To Do With Us?
FGA: And Is There Anything We Can Do To Help?
Poor Rose is turning bright red. You thought humans did that only when they were embarrassed, but it looks as if, no, they do it when they are enraged as well, just like Karkat. You file this fact away for future reference and then return your attention to the conversation.
FUTURE terminallyCapricious [FTC]
5:36 HOURS FROM NOW responded to memo
FTC: ChIlL mY dUdEs, EvErYtHiNg Is GoInG tO bE fInE, iT's AlL sO sMaLl AnD mOtHeRfUcKiNg JoYoUs.
FCG: GAMZEE THIS IS REALLY NOT THE BULGE-LICKING TIME
FCG banned FTC from responding to memo.
FCG: AND YES KANAYA THIS HAS TO DO WITH US
FCG: UNLESS THE HUMANS HAVE RECENTLY INVENTED A WAY TO MAKE THEIR RIDES GLOW FUCKING BLUE AND RED AT THE SAME FUCKING TIME
FCG: WHILE EMITTING FUCKING SPARKS
FUTURE centaursTesticle [FCT] 00:52 responded to memo.
FCT: D--> I am afraid I can confirm the previous statements
FCT: D--> I am at present inside Star Tours
FCT: D--> Sollu% and I were attempting to enjoy this place in a human-like manner
FCT: D--> I believe Sollu% is having difficulties at present
FCG: EQUIUS YOU PIECE OF PAIL-REJECTED GRUB-SLIME WHY AREN'T YOU DOING ANYTHING
FCT: D--> I am uncertain what you w001d have me do
FCT: D--> Also I think I need a towel
FCT: D--> It is growing rather warm
Oh dear. The situation is growing more dire by the second. If the humans inside this Star Tours ride are not killed by Sollux's psychic powers, there is still Karkat to worry about. Not to mention Rose, who is growing redder and more agitated.
ROSE: Perhaps we should try to go back.
KANAYA: I Am Afraid That Would Be Difficult, Given The Number Of People Who Are Behind Us.
KANAYA: I Think It May Be Faster To Continue Forward, As We Are Almost At The Front Of The Line.
ROSE: Yes, but by the time we get out of here, we may find out that Sollux has just killed an entire group of tourists!
==> KANAYA: Notice.
You notice. What do you notice? Why, you notice the momentary flutter of red wings in the passage ahead of you, and you suddenly come up with a PLAN.
Yes, you were right. It is in fact ARADIA MEGIDO, swooping around like a crazy butterfly, sporting a giant hat and a bullwhip.
==> Be ARADIA MEGIDO
You are ARADIA MEGIDO. You hear a familiar voice call to you and a little sheepishly you head in that direction, hoping that the humans won't be angry. You couldn't just stay in that silly little car when there was this whole TEMPLE to explore, now could you?
But it seems that this is not foremost on your companions' minds, as you suddenly realize when you check Karkat's infamous memo. It's a good thing more help seems to be on the way.
FUTURE cuttlefishCuller [FCC]
00:55 HOURS FROM NOW responded to memo.
FCC: o)( no! we )(AV--E to )(--ELP! 38O
FUTURE caligulasAquarium [FCA] 00:56 HOURS FROM NOW responded to memo.
FCA: fef seriously i think they can fuckin handle it
FCA: come on
FCA: oh wwhatevver fine
Possibly you should have been paying more attention to the memo, but you have been having SO MUCH FUN. However, it looks as if fun time is over, at least for the time being. SOLLUX CAPTOR and EQUIUS ZAHHAK are in trouble! As well as a boatload of human tourists! You hurry over to ROSE LALONDE (whom you did not recall being so...orange!) and KANAYA MARYAM.
ROSE: Aradia! You must hurry to help the others! I am afraid we are stuck here!
ARADIA: dont be silly!
ARADIA: i have wings, silly!
You swoop down and grab Rose and Kanaya. Good thing your wings are magic!
==> ARADIA: TO THE RESCUE!
Chapter 8: ==> ERIDAN: Complain.
==>Be ERIDAN AMPORA.
You are ERIDAN AMPORA, and you are feeling that really, life just isn't fair. You have spent the last half hour trying to get FEFERI PEIXES to accompany you on the ride that goes into the mouth of the giant whale, whatever that fucking ride is. After all, bitches love whales, and you're sure if you could just get her to come with you, she would stop basically ignoring you, the way everyone has been doing ever since you made it to this fucking planet.
Seriously what the fuck? Kan hasn't even apologized for killing you, which is pretty uncool, and you totally tried to apologize to Fef, but she just said something like "that's nice," and stopped paying attention to you. It's fucking unconscionable.
You're getting really tired of wandering down this stupid "Fantasy Princess Faire" or whatever it is. It's really fucking boring, and seeing Feferi all prettied up like this is just making you more depressed and sad.
==> Be FEFERI PEIXES
You are FEFERI PEIXES. You are really HAPPY! You are so glad you didn't listen when John said that maybe you should wear something a little less formal to this human Disneyland-place. You are wearing a bright pink ball gown with ruffles that you found at a human store, and you are so glad you did, because you just happened to walk through this part of the park, and you saw all these nice princesses to talk to!
And then a little human girl came up and asked if you were a princess, which of course you are, sort of anyway, so you've been kind of hanging around talking with human princesses and human children and getting your picture photographed with them. It is such a nice thing to be doing! You are so happy that you can just be around people without having to cull them or their lusi (parents, you remind yourself, you are on earth now!) and you are happy because people like you and aren't afraid of you (except for some of the really little grublings, who are just darling and get a little nervous talking to anyone.
This would be just about a perfect day if it weren't for the fact that Eridan is hanging around you again.
ERIDAN: seriously fef can wwe get out of here
ERIDAN: i bet you wwould lovve that one ride
ERIDAN: its got a fuckin wwhale on it
FEFERI: Eridan, will you PL--EASE not swear like t)(at?
FEFERI: T)(ere are C)(ILDR--EN around!
FEFERI: You know, )(uman grubs?
See what you have to put up with?
Anyways you have been here for quite some time. Maybe you had better check that memo that Karkat started before you came to Disneyland, just to make sure nobody is getting into any trouble! Of course as soon as Eridan sees that you are checking it, he checks it as well. There is just nowhere you can go to be away from him, and he is really not taking the hint.
==> FEFERI: Read memo.
Uh oh. It looks as if bad things are happening! You should never have let Sollux go off on his own! You thought he was looking a little edgy but you never thought that something really terrible would happen. You are the worst potential-matesprit ever and you are never ever going to forgive yourself if something happens to him while you are gone. You have to go help right away!
For a minute, you hope that maybe Eridan won't come, but of course he does. How fucking unconscionable.
==> Be ARADIA MEGIDO.
You are ARADIA MEGIDO, and you are flying as fast as your magic wings will take you toward Star Tours. It is a good thing you have Rose and Kanaya with you, because you do not know your way around Disneyland very well, and without them, you would certainly have lost valuable time circling in confusion. Maybe not that much time, though, since as soon as you get close, you can see what Karkat was talking about.
There are flashes of blue and red light almost overlapping each other pouring out of a sort of round dome building, and as you get closer, you can hear screaming. Sparks are shooting up into the sky, and one of them lands on your arm. It hurts a lot. This is worse than you thought!
You fly quickly to the ground, where you find Karkat and Jade. Karkat is yelling at a human, trying to find out if there is a way in, but there doesn't seem to be, and he is sort of holding Jade against his waist. You hurry over at the same time that Feferi and Eridan come rushing in from the other direction. You are very glad to see Feferi, and a lot less glad to see Eridan.
Rose and Kanaya rush over to join Karkat as soon as you set them down, but you open up the memo. There is only one person who can help right now, and he is not standing outside.
FUTURE apocalypseArisen [FAA]
01:01 HOURS FROM NOW responded to memo.
FUTURE centaursTesticle [FCT] 01:01 HOURS FROM NOW responded to memo.
FCT: D--> I am here, Aradia
FAA: you are really strong right?
FCT: D--> Yes, I have indeed vast quantities of STRENGTH
FAA: then you are going to have to bust out of star tours
FCT: D--> I do not quite follow, Aradia
FCT: D--> Are you suggesting that I cause a large amount of property damage
FCT: D--> This seems somewhat irresponsible
FAA: you know how i never type in capital letters equius
FCT: D--> I am aware of this fact, yes
FAA: JUST DO IT EQUIUS
FAA: RIGHT NOW
FCT ceased responding to memo.
You hope that wasn't just Equius keeling over from dehydration or something. But in just a minute, you hear a pounding, ripping noise from inside Star Tours, and then the entire wall opens up like one of those funny metal things the humans use to keep food fresh. Equius is carrying Sollux over one shoulder and as soon as he gets outside, he sets him down careful. The flashing lights and sparks are still happening, though. As soon as he lands on the ground, Sollux curls up into a little ball with his hands over his head.
==> Be SOLLUX CAPTOR.
You are SOLLUX CAPTOR and it's happening again it's happening again make it stop
make it stop
You went on the ride thing with Equius because he thought it looked cool because it had robots, and, hell, you thought it looked kind of cool too. But then you got on there, and the doors closed, and you were on a ship, and you were flying and
the smell of hot metal, your mind screaming in pain, the cold and utter dark stillness of outer space make it stop but you can't make it stop if you do they'll all die make it stop no you can't let them die make it stop but you're going to die if you don't make it stop make it stop fire and pain and bright bright lights all around you as your mind strains past its limits past what it should be able to do make it stop make it stop makeitstop
Chapter 9: ==>FEFERI: MAKE IT STOP.
Okay, um, this chapter has a trigger-warning for self-loathing/depression/suicidal impulses. Wow, I'm sorry, guys. That is two chapters in a row ending horribly depressingly! Hopefully this should be the last one though and once I drag the current character out of his deep pit of depression (in the following chapter) we should be back to your regularly scheduled happytimes! (I hope).
==> Be SOLLUX CAPTOR.
The cold disappears, banished by a pair of warm arms around you, and it's stopped. You don't have to keep fighting, or fight to make it stop, because it's all stopped. There's nothing here but warm arms, hair in your face, lips on your neck and eyes, hands on your hands. A soft voice in your ear. She rocks you back and forth, and you let her, you hold onto her, because she made it stop.
She made it stop.
==> Be ARADIA MEGIDO.
You are ARADIA MEGIDO. Feferi is holding onto Sollux, and it looks like she's crying, but she's also soothing him, and the lights are flickering dimmer and dimmer until they aren't flickering at all really. You give a big, huge sigh of relief, and then you see Equius sort of collapsed on the ground by them. He looks kind of goofy, honestly, with his glasses off and a giant piece of metal stuck onto his good horn, but you are SO glad that he's okay!
==> ARADIA: hug EQUIUS.
You hug Equius, not just a little hug but a giant SQUEEZE that makes him cough and gasp for breath.
ARADIA: good job! you did a great job equius!
ARADIA: you saved sollux and all the people on the ride!
EQUIUS: D--> I think
ARADIA: what is it equius?
EQUIUS: D--> I believe
EQUIUS: D--> I really need a towel
==> Be EQUIUS ZAHHAK.
Good heavens. You are not quite sure what just happened. You appear to have demolished a thick steel wall. Furthermore, it appears that you did such a good job that you have procured a hug from Aradia. This was an unexpected but wholly pleasurable development. You might go so far as to say, in utterly depraved language, that you are DOWN WITH IT. Pretty much TOTALLY DOWN WITH IT, in fact. You could definitely do with a towel right about now.
Aradia is looking up at you from under her eyelashes in a manner that is...that is most...fetching. You feel your temperature rising by the moment.
ARADIA: i was pretty worried about you
EQUIUS: D--> You were?
She leans forward and kisses you on the lips.
Oh fiddlesticks. Now you need ALL THE TOWELS.
==>Be FEFERI PEIXES.
You are holding Sollux and making soothing noises, and you think he can sort of hear you because he isn't balled up in a little ball anymore; now he's sort of holding onto you (which is good) and crying (which isn't so good). But at least he's not destroying things with his psychic powers anymore. Crying you can handle.
FEFERI: It's going to be okay!
FEFERI: Seriously! You are SAF--E!
SOLLUX: 2hiit, ii'm 2orry
FEFERI: It's not your fault! It's going to be okay!
SOLLUX: yeah, ii gue22 2o
SOLLUX: thank2, feferii
Then he kisses you. He gets snot and honey-colored tears all over your face and down your nice new pink dress, but you guess you can live with that.
==> Be KARKAT VANTAS.
There is a giant hole in the side of the Star Tours ride. While you guess that is way better than a whole fuckton of people dying, this is still going to make for a shitty rest of the day while you try to clean up this mess. If you even can. You are really not too happy with this, although it's not really Sollux's fault. Actually, it's pretty amazing that the worst stuff happened because Sollux and Equius were just trying to go on rides like good little humans. You would have expected this kind of wanton property destruction from Vriska. Or maybe Eridan.
KARKAT: WELL FUCK.
JADE: wow, that was really exciting!!! =D
KARKAT: YEAH EXCEPT FOR THE PART WHERE WE'RE NOW IN A WHOLE PAIL OF GRUB-VOMITING TROUBLE
JADE: i'm sure the park people will understand!!! it wasn't anybody's fault!!! :S
KARKAT: I GUESS
JADE: it will be fine!! you worry too much :)
JADE: besides it has nothing to do with you
Jade has actually succeeded in making you feel better. Until, that is, you look over to see ROSE LALONDE descending upon you like a thundercloud. Maybe now would be a good time to ABSCOND.
==> Be ERIDAN AMPORA.
You are ERIDAN AMPORA.
Furthermore, you are a PIECE OF SHIT.
You were not aware you could possibly hate anything as much as you hate yourself right now. You actually didn't know it was physically possible for there to be that much hatred inside anyone, ever. You would have figured that anybody with this much hate would just sort of explode in a kind of fucking hate-bomb, but you seem to be still breathing and unexploded.
You were wondering how long this whole stupid thing would take, with Equius bursting out of the building blah blah yawn when can this be over? And then you saw Feferi's face as she was running over to Sollux. She looked scared and worried and fuck you wanted to hold her in your arms and protect her and make it all better.
And you killed her.
You pulled out your wand and with your own will and arms and force you shot a hole through her midsection so that her blood came out and it went everywhere. Fucking everywhere.
And then you sort of said sorry. Like you'd accidentally bumped into her or something. And you were pissed because Kanaya didn't apologize to you. After what you did. After you murdered Fef and Kan and nearly killed Sollux. After you killed the two people you cared about the most, and you don't even know why, do you?
You don't even fucking know why.
No, wait. Yes you do. It's because Feferi was YOURS. Nobody else could have her. Even though she rejected you as her moirail because you were such a fucking diva. No, you still thought of her as yours. As some kind of an object. That you could have, so you could be happy, because it was really about you, wasn't it? It was never about her.
Never until now. Never until you looked into her face and remembered why you fell for her, such a fucking long time ago and you fucked everything up and turned in a whiny-ass useless moirail.
It's funny. You always thought people were mean to you because that's how people were. Because they didn't understand you. Nah. You get it now. They were mean to you because they understood you way better than you did.
Maybe you should just go kill yourself.
Chapter 10: ==> VRISKA: Rescue moron.
==> Be VRISKA SERKET.
You are VRISKA SERKET. You have just finished giving TAVROS NITRAM the time of his life. After you flew around and around with him for hours, he finally asked you to set him down so he could apologize to Jade for leaving her at the teacups. You are getting a tiny bit tired even though your wings are pretty fucking awesome, just like you, so you agree. You give him a BIG HUG though, because that is what GOOD PEOPLE do, and you are trying to be a good person, the human way this time, so you don't end up killing your friends and feeling bad and confused and stupid shit like that.
You think Tavros was pretty happy about the whole flying thing. He had a giant goofy grin on his face, which is probably a good indication. But now you have something else to do! You, unlike everyone else, checked out the map BEFORE you got to Disneyland, and now it is time to address the SECOND IRON that you have in the FIRE.
They have a ride about PIRATES. You cannot believe how AWESOME this is! It is like somebody built exactly the ride you would have ridden in your dreams and gave it concrete form. As you fly in over the giant crowd of people packed together, you remember that John said something about LINES, but never mind. You're sure it wasn't that important.
So now you are flying through this amazing series of dark tunnels past an amazing number of lifelike ROBOTS. Equius would have a field day with this shit. They aren't as smart as some of Equius's robots, but they look a whole lot more like people than his robots look like trolls. Some of them even look kind of like trolls themselves—no, wait! That IS a troll! What are you, stupid? All this GOOD stuff must have gone to your brain.
Oh great. It’s ERIDAN AMPORA. You are definitely going to avoid him, because if there is ANYONE who will fuck your shit up just when you are trying to be a good person, it’s him. Except he looks as if he’s kind of managed to get himself tangled up in that noose that’s part of the show, and, oh dear, he’ll probably get himself killed with his own STUPIDITY if you don’t do something. You sigh dramatically, fly down, and catch him before he can snap his neck. Then, when he is RIGID WITH SHOCK at realizing that he is not DEAD, you get the noose off and fly off with him in your arms.
You are such a good person.
VRISKA: Wow, I cannot 8elieve I just s88888888ved your life Eridan! You totally owe me now! I am the 8est at not 8eing evil and killing everyone!
VRISKA: Also what are you dooooooooing here?
ERIDAN: i wwas tryin to kill myself
ERIDAN: thanks for nothin by the wway
Okay, that kind of surprises you. You would not have thought that Eridan was capable of attempting to destroy somebody he liked so much! On the other hand, he DID kill Feferi, so you guess he does not have a great track record with these things.
VRISKA: Why the fuck you would do something stupid like that?
ERIDAN: because im a fuckin douchebag
ERIDAN: because evverybody wwants me to be dead
VRISKA: Nobody wants you to 8e dead!!!!!!!!
VRISKA: Are you having a hissy fit 8ecause you killed Feferi?
ERIDAN: its not a hissy fit
VRISKA: 8ecause she will just 8e mad at you if you die, you moron.
ERIDAN: no she wwill be fuckin happy
ERIDAN: i wwas a fuckin useless moirail and then I fuckin killed her
ERIDAN: do you have any fuckin clue wwhat that feels like
VRISKA: Um, yeah. Duuuuuuuuh, Eridan, did you miss the part where I totally fucked up and killed Taaaaaaaavros????????
==> Be ERIDAN AMPORA.
Of COURSE it was VRISKA SERKET who rescued you from a WATERY GRAVE, where you came to DIE so that at the very last the SEA would hold your poor, lonely bones. Ever since she totally refused to be your KISMESIS, that troll bitch has been a huge fuckin thorn in your side. You HATE her.
So why are you CRYING your eyes out on her shirt?
She is looking kind of seriously awkward and embarrassed and no fuckin wonder, because you, ERIDAN AMPORA, are turning into a regular snot machine all over VRISKA SERKET'S fuckin shirt. You are like churning this shit out and talking about how much you fuckin hate yourself and how everyone hates you and Feferi will never forgive you and you're never going to forgive yourself and oh my god does Vriska look panicked. You have never seen Vriska Serket look afraid before, but right now she looks like she wants to go and hide somewhere.
Too bad, if you had known she was afraid of TEARS, you could have won a lot more during FLARP. That's not really important right now though. Finally, Vriska sort of hits you on the head and the shoulder, which you realize is her attempt at a comforting pat.
VRISKA: That's the stupidest thing I've ever heeeeeeeeard!!!!!!!!
VRISKA: You think every8ody h8s you so you want to kill yourself?
VRISKA: What a8out trying to make them NOT h8 you?
VRISKA: 8y ceasing to 8e a raging douche8ag
ERIDAN: but nothin cod make up for wwhat ivve done
VRISKA: Eridan I am a murderous spider8itch.
VRISKA: I have no ideeeeeeeea how to 8e a GOOD PERSON!
VRISKA: 8ut I am awesome, so I am trying anyway!!!!!!!!
VRISKA: Every8ody will 8e a lot happier if you try too instead of killing yourself!
Wow, you never realized Vriska could be such a gr8 person. You are almost starting to feel flushed for her yourself and not in the black way. Then you remember that you don't deserve to be flushed for anybody and you look sadly down at the ground. Vriska whacks you on the head again, and then she pulls out her FLARPing sword and viciously attacks one of the robot pirates. You hear humans screaming and cheering.
VRISKA: You don't have to 8e so melodramatic all the tiiiiiiiime, Eridan!!!!!!!!
VRISKA: Now either go away or help me defeat this metal pirate!
Oh what the hell. If VRISKA SERKET can be a good person, maybe you can too. But first, she's right, you'd better help her defeat this robot man, so that you can rule over--uh, so that you can make these waters SAFE just like FEFERI would want!
Chapter 11: ==> ROSE: Attempt to ascertain locations of various trolls.
==> Be ROSE LALONDE.
You are ROSE LALONDE. That headache has definitely blossomed into a migraine by now. You are starting to become less scornful of your mother's alcohol habits. You feel that a nice class of some cool VODKA would be very welcome right about now.
On the plus side, DISNEYLAND has not yet burned to the ground. Furthermore, the paramedics and maintenance personnel who showed up at Star Tours did not apparently connect the large number of gray-skinned humanoids who have been showing up on the news lately as VISITORS FROM OUTER SPACE WITH MAD PSYCHIC POWERS to the apparently random explodingness and then further destruction of the Star Tours ride. You think they are extremely FOOLISH, but you are nonetheless glad of it. However, you still have at least four trolls to find and account for and stop from destroying Disneyland, one of whom is VRISKA SERKET.
Another of whom is GAMZEE MAKARA, whom frankly you would have thought was not someone to worry about until you heard all the stories. Apparently he's unlikely to "sober up" again, according to KARKAT at least, but you have VISIONS.
==> ROSE: Respond to memo.
FUTURE tentacleTherapist [FTT] 01:37 HOURS FROM NOW responded to memo.
FTT: All right, I am afraid I must ask everyone, yet again.
FTT: We are still missing a number of people.
FTT: If everyone who is paying the slightest attention to this memo could please mention where they are, preferably at this particular time.
FUTURE grimAuxiliatrix [FGA] 01:37 HOURS FROM NOW responded to memo.
FGA: I Am Here, Rose.
FGA: I Am By Your Side.
FTT: Thank you, Kanaya.
FTT: I appreciate the support.
FTT: As well as the demonstration of what everyone else ought to be doing.
FUTURE carcinoGeneticist [FCG] 01:37 HOURS FROM NOW responded to memo.
FCG: YEAH I'M HERE TOO AND THE REST OF YOU BULGE-DANCING GRUBS NEED TO FUCKING TELL US WHERE YOU ARE.
FCG: LET'S NOT HAVE ANOTHER FUCKING MELTDOWN SHALL WE?
FTT: I have explained to you, Karkat, I am perfectly calm.
FCG: I WAS REFERRING TO THE FUCKING RIDE.
FUTURE arsenicCatnip [FAC] 01:57 HOURS FROM NOW responded to memo.
FAC: :33 < *ac suddenly notices that lots of people are worried about her!!!*
FAC: :33 < *ac is sorry she wasn't paying attention before*
FAC: :33 < *she was playing with lots of purrty human grubs!!!!*
FAC: :33 < *in this fun place where there are critters!*
FCG: WELL THANK YOU FOR MAKING AN APPEARANCE AT LAST.
FCG: IT'S ONLY A LITTLE FUCKING LATE.
FCG: WE HAVEN'T ACTUALLY CALLED THE HUMAN AUTHORITIES YET.
FCG: IT'S NOT LIKE WE'VE BEEN TRYING TO FIND YOU FOR GRUB-SUCKING HOURS OR ANYTHING.
FUTURE gallowsCalibrator [FGC] 01:45 HOURS FROM NOW responded to memo.
FGC: 1N C4S3 YOU 4R3 4LL ST1LL WORR13D
FGC: D4V3 4ND 1 W3R3 ON TH3 OTH3R S1D3 OF THE P4RK
FGC: SORRY W3 COULDN'T G3T TH3R3 F4ST 3NOUGH
FTT: Thank you, Terezi.
FGC: BY TH3 W4Y 4R3 YOU 4W4R3 TH4T TH3 HUM4N 'SUG4R' 1S ROUGHLY F1FTY T1M3S 4S SW33T 4S 1TS TROLL COUNT3RP4RT?
FCG: THANKS TEREZI I'M SURE THAT'S RELEVANT TO SOMEONE
FCG: AS OPPOSED TO COMPLETELY FUCKING NOT RELEVANT TO ANYTHING WE'RE TRYING TO DEAL WITH
FUTURE gardenGnostic [FGG] 01:39 HOURS FROM NOW responded to memo.
FGG: ooh karkat!! maybe that's why you got so excited about the cotton candy! :)
FCG: I GUESS WHEN I SAID LET'S NEVER TALK ABOUT THIS AGAIN
FCG: FOR A MILLION SWEEPS
FCG: AND IT WOULD BE PREFERABLE FOR ME TO HAVE MY HORNS SAWED OFF AND INSERTED UP SOME SORT OF ORIFICE WHILE I WAS BEING ROASTED OVER A SLOW FIRE THAN TO HAVE ANYONE ELSE FIND OUT
FCG: YOU THOUGHT I MEANT LET'S FUCKING TALK ABOUT THIS IN FRONT OF FUCKING EVERYONE
FCG banned FGC from responding to memo.
FGG: sorry karkat :(
FGG: i didn't mean to upset you or anything :(
FGG: i thought you were joking…
FGC: IT'S NOT YOU JADE
FGC: I JUST HATE IT WHEN PEOPLE FIND OUT WHAT A LAME GRUB-CHEWING WRIGGLER PAST ME IS
FUTURE adiosToreador [FAT] 01:40 HOURS FROM NOW responded to memo.
FAT: uH, kARKAT, i WAS WONDERING IF
FAT: uH, i COULD MAYBE TALK TO YOU
FAT: iT'S, uH, KIND OF IMPORTANT
FAC: :33 < *ac saunters toward the group because they are all looking for her*
FAC: :33 < *she says she will be there soon!*
FAC stopped responding to memo.
FTT: Thank you, Nepeta.
FUTURE caligulasAquarium [FCA] 01:41 HOURS FROM NOW responded to memo.
FCA: vvris and i just got out of the fuckin pirates ride
FCA: wwere headin ovver your wway
FTT: That's very helpful, Eridan.
FUTURE arachnidsGrip [FAG] 01:41 HOURS FROM NOW responded to memo.
FAG: Don't you have something eeeeeeeelse to s8y, whale-8oy????????
FCA: dont fuckin rush me vvris
FCA: seriously i dont think i can fuckin do this
FAG: So you 8dmit th8t I 8m more aaaaaaaawesome th8n you will ever 8e???????? >::::D
FCA: shut the fuck up vvris
FCA: sollux im fuckin sorry
FCA: im sorry i was such a fuckin bitch to you and knocked you out and shit
FCA: and kan im really fuckin sorry about
FCA: you knoww
FCA: wwhat i did
FCA: i mean wwhen i fuckin killed you and then wwas a fuckin douche about it later
FCA: and fef
FCA: im so fuckin sorry
FCA: and i hope youre really happy with sollux
FCA: im really fuckin sorry
FTT: Tavros, where are you?
FAT: uH, i DON'T KNOW EXACTLY
FAT: i'LL BE ABLE TO FIND YOU GUYS, i GUESS, BUT,
FAT: uH, KARKAT, i WOULD REALLY LIKE TO TALK TO YOU
FGC: WELL I'M RIGHT HERE YOU GIANT NOOK-MUFFIN
FGC: OH FUCK WHY DID I SAY THAT
FGC: THAT SOUNDS TERRIBLE
FGC: I'M NEVER FUCKING SAYING THAT AGAIN
FAT: iT'S, uH, ABOUT JADE
FAT: i SAW YOU WITH HER, WHEN i WAS FLYING AND STUFF, aND, uH, YOU WERE KIND OF HUGGING HER AND STUFF
FAT: aND I WAS WONDERING IF YOU WERE PLANNING ON
FAT: uH, BEING, UH, MATESPRITS WITH HER, i GUESS
FAT: bECAUSE YOU SEE, i KIND OF LIKE HER
FAT: iN A FLUSHED WAY BASICALLY
FAT: aND YOU, UH, MADE IT PRETTY CLEAR EARLIER IN THE MEMO THAT YOU THOUGHT REDROM WAS SOMETHING THAT YOU SHOULDN'T BE DOING WITH HUMANS,
FAT: SO i THOUGHT THAT, UH, MAYBE I WAS MISCONSTRUING THE SITUATION
FUTURE terminallyCapricious [FTC] 06:59 HOURS FROM NOW responded to memo.
FTC: I aM hErE, mY mOtHeRfUcKiNg DuDeS
FCG: WOW, TAVROS
FCG: THAT'S AMAZINGLY FUCKING FORWARD
FCG: AND I WOULD KIND OF LIKE TO SAY IT'S NONE OF YOUR FUCKING BUSINESS WHO I LIKE AND IN WHAT CAPACITY
FCG: BUT I GUESS THAT WOULDN'T BE FAIR CONSIDERING YOUR FLUSHED ASPIRATIONS
FCG: SO THE ANSWER IS, IN FACT, I AM BEGINNING TO HAVE FLUSHED FEELINGS FOR JADE HARLEY
FCG: I'M ALSO STOPPING HER FROM READING THIS MEMO
FCG: SO YOU CAN THANK ME LATER
FCG: AND THE REST OF YOU CAN ALL JUST MOCK ME NOW
FTT: Gamzee, could you be a little bit more specific?
FTC: kArKaT, i Am So FucKiNg HaPpY fOr YoU, mAn
FTC: I aM hOnOrEd To Be ShArInG a SeT oF qUaDrAnTs WiTh SuCh A mOtHeRfUcKiNg MiRtHfUl LaSs
FTT: That's lovely, Gamzee.
FTT: We are all happy for Karkat.
FTT: Now could you tell us where you are in a spatiotemporal sense?
FTC: I aM iN mOtHeRfUcKiNg NiRvAnA
FTC stopped responding to memo.
FAT: uH, SO, UH, KARKAT, IF WE BOTH LIKE JADE
FAT: tHEN, IS THERE SOME KIND OF, UH, HUMAN CONVENTION TO FOLLOW?
FAT: bECAUSE, UH, IF NOT, WE COULD HAVE, UH, A TROLL COMBAT SORT OF THING
FAT: i MEAN, vRISKA HAS TOLD ME THAT IF i WANT TO GET THE GIRL, UH, i HAVE TO BE SURE OF MYSELF
FAT: aND, UH, I KNOW THAT I MESSED THINGS UP THE LAST TIME i TRIED TO BE REALLY, UH, CONFIDENT IN MYSELF
FAT: bUT THIS IS, UH, TRADITIONAL?
FAT: wHICH THE LAST THING I TRIED, UH, WASN'T, SO, i GUESS, IF IT WORKED FOR EVERYONE ELSE FOR A VERY LONG TIME, THEN, MAYBE THAT'S THE RIGHT WAY TO BE CONFIDENT?
==> Be KARKAT VANTAS.
You are so not in the fucking mood for this right now. There was a brief, shining window, during which you were flushed for Jade Harley and everything was right with the world. Now Tavros Nitram is trying to draw you into some kind of fucked up ritualized combat, which, yes, is technically a traditional troll thing.
You are pretty sure that Jade would not approve, but the only way to find out is to ask her, which means you have to tell her about your embarrassingly flushed feelings for her. You look over at her. She is sitting on the side of the road and she is fucking HUMMING and swinging her legs. It's ridiculous. You want to go over there and just hold her like that forever.
Oh fuck. You really do have to tell her don't you.
==> KARKAT: Regale JADE with your embarrassing flushed feelings.
JADE: yeah karkat?
JADE: can i check the memo again? :)
JADE: have you finished talking about your totally secret troll stuff now?
KARKAT: YEAH YOU CAN CHECK IT IF YOU WANT ONLY THERE'S SOMETHING I NEED TO FUCKING SAY
KARKAT: AND I'M ONLY GOING TO BE ABLE TO SAY THIS ONCE
KARKAT: BECAUSE PRESENT ME IS A COWARDLY GRUB-MANGLING WRIGGLER
KARKAT: I AM FLUSHED FOR YOU, JADE
KARKAT: I HAVE RED FEELINGS FOR YOU
KARKAT: I AM ENTERTAINING ROMANTIC NOTIONS ABOUT YOU
KARKAT: I WOULD LIKE TO TAKE YOU ON A MOONLIGHT STROLL ON A FUCKING BEACH
KARKAT: AND POSSIBLY EVEN A CANDLELIGHT DINNER
KARKAT: BECAUSE YOU ARE SO GODDAMN AMAZING
KARKAT: OH, AND TAVROS IS ALSO GETTING FLUSHED FOR YOU.
KARKAT: I MEANT SORRY ABOUT BOTH OF US
KARKAT: I DIDN'T MEAN TO IMPLY THAT I WAS INHERENTLY SUPERIOR TO TAVROS IN SOME WAY
KARKAT: BECAUSE I'M NOT FUCKING VRISKA
KARKAT: OH FUCK
KARKAT: NO I MEAN
You are making a total hash of this. Which is really not surprising. You look away to see Eridan and Vriska coming up the path toward you, which means they probably heard your fucking nook-banging lame confession, and oh. Oh fuck.
Is that Nepeta?
Chapter 12: ==> NEPETA'S HEART: Break.
==> Be NEPETA LEIJON
You are NEPETA LEIJON. That breaking noise was you dropping a plastic doohickey that you got in one of the shops here and stepping on it. Obviously you are not heartbroken. That would be silly! Karkitty is allowed to have flushed feelings for anyone, and you kind of thought that he might not have them for you because of the way he always avoided the subject.
You don't really want to stay here, though.
You kind of want to be alone. Your eyes are doing an annoying watery thing and if people saw you they might think you were upset and that would be just PAWFUL. After all, you don't want to ruin anyone's day.
You figure you had better get to somewhere nice and lonely where nobody is likely to find you.
==> NEPETA: LEAVE.
==> Be KARKAT VANTAS
Oh fucking fuck fuck shit. You cannot believe you have managed to be this much of a fucking douche-waffle. You are the most inobservant nook-sucking MORON ever. How could you not even have noticed Nepeta walking up. Not to mention the fact you have probably scared Jade off anyway.
JADE: wow, karkat!!!
KARKAT: I'M SORRY
KARKAT: I THINK I HAVE KIND OF FUCKED THIS UP
KARKAT: IN MY USUAL INIMITABLE MANNER
KARKAT: FUCK ME
JADE: no, it is okay!!! :)
JADE: i was just surprised
JADE: i wasn't expecting you to say that!
JADE: but i guess...
KARKAT: WE NEVER NEED TO TALK ABOUT IT AGAIN
KARKAT: IT'S FINE
KARKAT: I SHOULDN'T HAVE TOLD YOU
KARKAT: I AM A BULGE-LICKING NOOK-HEAD WITH FUCKING STUPIDITY FOR MOUTH-PARTS
JADE: no, we can talk about it!
JADE: i think maybe we should
JADE: because i don't know but it's somewhat possible that...
JADE: i might feel the same way? :)
JADE: i'm not sure!
JADE: i haven't had much experience with this kind of thing!
Well fuck. You were not expecting that. Now you just have to deal with the fact that Nepeta probably hates you. Oh, and the fact that Tavros is probably going to hate you as well. Or challenge you to some kind of lame taint-chafing duel.
You should probably worry about that, except that JADE HARLEY appears to be trying to give you another one of her hugs. Maybe you will worry about all this shit after you have had this amazing fuzzy warm hug feeling for a while. But what about Nepeta? You can't just leave her.
ERIDAN: hey karkat
Oh fuck. Someone else you don't need to deal with right now.
KARKAT: WHAT? I AM KIND OF IN THE MIDDLE OF SOMETHING HERE
ERIDAN: yeah i knoww
ERIDAN: i just wwanted to say
ERIDAN: ill go after nepeta
ERIDAN: i dont knoww if i can help but
ERIDAN: i wwould like to try
VRISKA: He is trying to 8e a good person.
KARKAT: THANK YOU FOR THAT VRISKA
KARKAT: CLEARLY EVERYTHING AROUND HERE NEEDS TO BE FUCKING NARRATED
KARKAT: YOU KNOW WHAT?
KARKAT: GO AHEAD ERIDAN
KARKAT: BUT IF YOU MAKE THINGS WORSE I WILL TAKE YOUR DOUCHE-CHAFING HEAD OFF AND FEED IT TO EQUIUS
ERIDAN: yeah okay
==> Be ERIDAN AMPORA
You are ERIDAN AMPORA. You have just felt an urge to do something you have never done before; that is to say, you want to be helpful. It's not that you want to go after Nepeta and try to hit on her, which, to be honest, is the kind of thing you would have done not very long ago. That probably would have just made things worse. Because you're still kind of a douche-nozzle.
But right now, you have to put aside your inherent douche-nozzle-hood. Because Nepeta needs help.
You aren't quite fast enough to catch up to her before she reaches the giant fake mountain you didn't actually realize she was heading for until she was heading for it. She must have forgotten what Karkat said about lines, or maybe she just doesn't care, but anyway, she vaults over the heads of the humans in the crowd. Some of them protest, but most of them are too stunned after having a gray-skinned cat-girl land on their shoulders to do much more than make startled noises and point.
Then she jumps over the barrier and over the little metal sled-things that take people to the top, and she starts to climb the mountain.
She doesn't seem to hear you. She just keeps climbing, higher and higher, getting further and further away. Which means you are going to have to go after her. Which kind of sucks, because you are not hugely fond of heights. One might almost say that you are somewhat terrified of them. Well, that's just fuckin perfect.
You remind yourself that you are trying to be a good friend, so you start to follow her. You remember to say "excuse me," to the humans as you push through their line. KARKAT would be so impressed with you. You follow Nepeta's lead and cross the tracks, except that you find yourself running across nervously in front of a moving sled.
==> ERIDAN: Narrowly escape SQUISHIFICATION.
That was much too close! You had better avoid the tracks in the future. Now you just have to climb up after Nepeta. You swallow. Your hands are feeling kind of clammy and not in a good bivalve sort of way. But forget all that.
==> ERIDAN: Be a HERO.
You are going to be a hero. You are going to make this happen. You try to pretend you are not suddenly way too high off the ground. You remember that you aren't supposed to look down, which would be great, except the reason you remember is that you look down and DOWN starts to spin. You feel kind of sick.
You are getting really fuckin tired. This mountain is way too tall and you are not a good climber and maybe you should just have let Nepeta go and be by herself. Except she looked like she could really use a hug and you just didn't like to leave her after all that shit went down. This must be what being a good person means. It fuckin sucks.
Oh wow. You are nearly at the top.
Where is Nepeta? You can't see her. You turn your head, and your feet slip. Right out from under you. So that you are now dangling from an exceedingly tall mountain and might end up falling at any minute.
==> ERIDAN: SCREAM like a LITTLE GIRL.
FUCK! You are going to fall, you are going to die, you are going to go splat and even though you wanted to die pretty recently you have sort of changed your mind, and you would never ever have wanted to die by splat! You're too pretty to die by splat!
Just as you are sure that you are actually going to let go, you feel a hand take hold of your wrist, and somebody pulls you up onto the ledge.
NEPETA: :33 < what are you doing here?
ERIDAN: i wwas lookin for you
NEPETA: :33 < oh
NEPETA: :33 < why
ERIDAN: youre not talkin right
ERIDAN: wwait i can do this
ERIDAN: *the mighty fuckin wwarrior says wwhy did the cat-girl climb all the wway up here*
NEPETA: :33 < i just wanted to be
NEPETA: :33 < by myself i guess
ERIDAN: *the mighty wwarrior does some wwarrior shit like i dont fuckin knoww*
ERIDAN: *i guess he cuts off the head of a convvenient sheep or somethin*
ERIDAN: anywways look im sorry about all the shit
ERIDAN: wwhat happened kind of sucks
NEPETA: :33 < it wasn't karkitty's fault
NEPETA: :33 < shipping is a tricky business
NEPETA: :33 < i'm just kind of sad
ERIDAN: *the mighty wwarrior gets all sympathetic and shit evven though thats totally not howw wwarriors are supposed to be*
ERIDAN: *in fact theyre supposed to fight people but wwhatevver*
Nepeta still seems sad. Shit. What are you supposed to do now? She likes cats, right?
ERIDAN: *the mighty wwarrior suddenly turns into a kitty*
NEPETA: :33 < what?
ERIDAN: *the kitty says fuckin purr*
NEPETA: :33 < can i pet it?
ERIDAN: *the kitty doesnt knoww because it doesnt knoww wwhat youre doin*
NEPETA: :33 < *ac hesitates and then she pets the kitty*
ERIDAN: *the kitty says fuckin purr again*
NEPETA: :33 < *ac says the kitty shouldn't use bad language like that*
ERIDAN: *the kitty says fuckin purr again*
ERIDAN: *the kitty wwonders wwhat ac is goin to do about it*
NEPETA: :33 < *ac grabs some soap and washes out the kitty's mouth!*
Wow, it's really working! She actually smiled. You make a face like a cat that has had soap put into its mouth and then you make spitting noises. She smiles a little bit again. You feel...good.
You kind of like this being a good person shit.
Chapter 13: ==>TAVROS: Fill two quadrants.
==> Be TAVROS NITRAM.
You are TAVROS NITRAM. You have just been informed by Jade that she is very sorry but she does not return your flushed feelings. She also asked you if you could maybe not fight with Karkat, because even though it is a pretty TROLLISH thing to do, it is not a human thing to do (at least, it isn't a good human thing to do; you're not really sure of the distinctions but basically Jade would prefer you didn't.) So you guess you can maybe not fight with Karkat. You didn't really want to anyway. You just thought it might make Jade like you, but it seems like it won't.
==> TAVROS: Wallow in self-pity.
You wallow. You wallow for quite a while. You are still wallowing and moping when Vriska shows up, sees you moping, and looks as if she is about to smack you. Then instead of smacking you, she takes you on another flight. You still feel kind of shitty but flying makes everything better. You figure you had better check in on everyone. It's starting to get dark and you have this vague memory of John saying that some special show happens at some point. You must have been wallowing for longer than you realized.
FUTURE AdiosToreador [FAT] 08:03 HOURS FROM NOW responded to memo.
FAT: uH, i AM JUST CHECKING IN
FAT: i, UH, THOUGHT THERE MIGHT BE SOMETHING THAT WE WERE SUPPOSED TO DO
FAT: oR SOMETHING
FUTURE grimAuxiliatrix [FGA] 08:03 HOURS FROM NOW responded to memo.
FGA: That Is Correct Tavros
FGA: Shortly A Mystical Human Ceremony Will Commence
FGA: John Has Requested That We All Attend As He Believes It Will Be The Culmination Of A Joyous Day
FUTURE tentacleTherapist [FTT] 08:04 HOURS FROM NOW responded to memo.
FTT: It would also be nice if we could find all of the trolls.
FTT: I have been attempting to do so for hours, with limited success.
FTT: To my knowledge, Disneyland has been nearly destroyed on at least three separate occasions, and there may have been more near-disasters that I am, as yet, unaware of.
FTT: Thus, I hope you will not find it remiss of me if I take this opportunity, once again, to ask for a primitive sort of role-call and hope for some accurate responses.
FAT: uH, YEAH, rOSE, i CAN DO THAT
FAT: i AM SORRY i HAVE BEEN, UH, SOMEWHAT UNAVAILABLE
FAT: i HAVE BEEN A LITTLE SAD
FAT: bUT I THINK I AM OKAY NOW
FTT: We are all sorry for the failure of your romantic aspirations, Tavros.
FTT: I would not ask were this not of the utmost import.
FAT: nO, i, UH, TOTALLY UNDERSTAND
FAT: iT IS COOL
FAT: aND, UH, EVEN IF I COULDN'T FILL MY, UH, FLUSHED QUADRANT
FAT: i THINK IT IS OKAY BECAUSE, UH, i THINK THAT MAYBE i HAVE FILLED MY PALE QUADRANT?
FAT: if THAT IS OKAY WITH YOU, vRISKA?
FUTURE arachnidsGrip [FAG] 08:07 HOURS FROM NOW responded to memo.
FAG: Wow, Taaaaaaaavros, I didn't kn8w you th8ght of me like that!
FAG: I am touched! <<<<<<<<>>>>>>>> >::::)
FAT: uH, OKAY, COOL
FAT: i AM GLAD i DIDN'T, UH, MISCALCULATE ON THIS ONE
FAT: bECAUSE THAT COULD HAVE BEEN KIND OF, UH, AWKWARD
FAG: You just have to deal with the fact that your moirail is the m8st 8wes8me troll ever!!!!!!!!
FAG: Do you think you can h88888888ndle that???????? >::::D
FAT: uH, YES
FAT: i THINK I CAN }:)
FAG: Also Roooooooose I am with John and we are w8ing for the 8eginning of whatever this thing is that he w8nts us to see!
FAG: So you c8n stop thinking I 8m going to 8r8k everything! >::::)
FTT: Thank you, Vriska.
FTT: I appreciate that.
FTT: You will forgive me if I ask John to confirm what you have said.
FTT: In the past, your track record has not been without blemish.
FAG: Fiiiiiiiine >::::P
FUTURE ectoBiologist [FEB] 08:08 HOURS FROM NOW responded to memo.
FEB: yes, she's right here!!!!!!!!
FEB: being a good little troll, haha.
FTT: I am pleased to hear it.
FUTURE caligulasAquarium [FCA] 08:08 HOURS FROM NOW responded to memo.
FCA: hey just wwanted to say wwere tryin to meet john right now
FCA: somebody wwant to tell us wwhere the fuck evveryone is
FTT: Yes, I believe John is near the lake by Frontierland.
FTT: That is where we will be meeting to see Fantasmic, which begins in less than an hour now.
FCA: ok wwell find it
FUTURE arsenicCatnip [FAC] 08:08 HOURS FROM NOW responded to memo.
FAC: :33 < *ac wants to make sure everybody know she is purrty okay!*
FAC: :33 < *ac says that karkitty shouldn't worry about her because she knows he is a sillyhead so he will*
FUTURE carcinoGeneticist [FCG] 08:10 HOURS FROM NOW responded to memo.
FCG: FUCK NEPETA I AM SO NOOK-LICKING SORRY I WAS SUCH A MORON
FAC: :33 < *ac giggles and says this is exactly what she was talking about!*
FAC: :33 < *ac might be a little sad fur a little while but she will update her shipping wall and be fine!*
FUTURE centaursTesticle [FCT] 08:11 HOURS FROM NOW responded to memo.
FCT: D--> I am greatly please to hear you are all right, Nepeta
FCT: D--> I must say that I was concerned
FCT: D--> You are very important to me, and I wish to make sure you know that
FAC: :33 < *ac is so happy she has so many people being nice to her!*
FAC: :33 < *she tackle-hugs the silly equius because he is so nice*
FAC: :33 < *she wonders if maybe he has something to say so she can update her shipping wall?*
FCT: D--> I
FCT: D--> That is
FUTURE apocalypseArisen [FAA] 08:13 HOURS FROM NOW responded to memo.
FAA: hehehe equius and i are exploring the flushed quadrant!
FAA: it is exciting!
FCT: D--> Excuse me
FCT: D--> Fiddlesti%
FCT: D--> I believe I need a towel
FAC: :33 < *ac is so incredibly happy for her moirail!*
FAA: oh and rose equius and i are both waiting at the lakeshore where john told us!
FAA: so don't worry about us!
FUTURE cuttlefishCuller [FCC] 08:13 HOURS FROM NOW responded to memo.
FCC: I'm sorry!
FCC: Sollux and I lost track of the TIM--E!
FCC: But we are )(--EADING OVER right now!
FUTURE turntechGodhead [FTG] 08:13 HOURS FROM NOW responded to memo.
FTG: terezi and i are on our way too yo
FTG: we were all caught up in sloppy troll/human makeouts
FTG: hope we didnt worry anyone
FUTURE gallowsCalibrator [FGC] 08:13 HOURS FROM NOW responded to memo
FGC: SLOPPY TROLL/HUM4N M4K3OUTS 4R3 PR3TTY FUN!
FCG: WOW TEREZI
FCG: I'M NOT SURE YOU COULD POSSIBLY HAVE BEEN MORE CRASS ABOUT THAT
FGC: WOULD YOU L1K3 M3 TO TRY?
FCG: NO I WOULD NOT
FTT: Karkat, while I am aware that you and Terezi have certain differences, I would appreciate it if you would let me know your location rather than letting her bait you.
FCG: SORRY ROSE
FCG: YEAH I JUST DROPPED JADE OFF WITH EGBERT
FCG: I WAS GOING TO GO LOOK FOR GAMZEE
FTT: That is a wonderful idea, Karkat, thank you.
FTT: I have had several notions on the Gamzee front.
FTT: I am, in fact, investigating one of those notions as we speak.
FCG: ARE YOU HAVING ANY LUCK?
FCG: I CAN'T BELIEVE GAMZEE HAS JUST FUCKING DISAPPEARED
FCG: WHAT AM I TALKING ABOUT
FCG: OF COURSE I CAN BELIEVE IT
FCG: NOTHING EVER GOES NOOK-LICKINGLY SMOOTHLY WHERE I AM CONCERNED
FGA: I Believe We May Have Successfully Located Gamzee Karkat
FCG: THAT'S GREAT
FCG: WHY ISN'T ROSE TELLING ME THIS?
FGA: Rose Is
FGA: Slightly Incapacitated Currently
FCG: FUCK WHAT DID HE DO?
FGA: Gamzee Is
FGA: Resisting Attempts To Make Him Leave The Ride
FGA: Rose Is Merely Attempting To Reason With Him But In This Endeavor I Believe She Is Destined To Fail
FGA: He Is Honking
FCG: OH FUCK
FCG: GET HER THE FUCK AWAY FROM THERE!
FCG: WHERE ARE YOU? I WILL BE THERE RIGHT AWAY
FGA: Yes I Have Removed Rose
FGA: Gamzee Has Intimidated The Attendants Once Again And Has Re-entered The Ride
FCG: JUST STAY THERE UNTIL I CAN GET THERE AND SHOOSH HIM
FCG: WHERE ARE YOU?
FTT: We are at It's A Small World.
FCG: NOT NOW TAVROS
FAT: uH,,, i AM RIGHT THERE
FAT: i MEAN, i CAN, UH,,, SEE THAT RIDE
FCG: THAT'S GREAT TAVROS
FAT: i COULD TRY?
You have been sort of avoiding Gamzee since the end of the game. You're not really sure why. You had this flush-crush on Jade and you kind of thought it might upset him, and you're not really sure why. But right now, you sort of want to see him. You are not sure why except that the thought of Gamzee sitting all by himself at Disneyland makes you sad.
You ignore Karkat's sputterings and promises that he will be there as soon as he can, and you head over to the ride. Rose and Kanaya are standing outside, talking feverishly with some other humans. You hear them say something about not having been able to get Gamzee out of the ride and how he is scaring the other patrons. There is still a line, but the small human grubs in line are sort of crying. You really hate to push through, but this is actually pretty urgent, so you mumble some excuse-mes and manage to make it to the front of the line.
Just in time, it seems. Gamzee comes sailing out of the ride. He is smiling, but he is holding on really tightly to the railing. He's definitely not going to get out.
TAVROS: uH, gAMZEE,,,,
TAVROS: IF YOU DON'T MIND, MAYBE, UH, DO YOU THINK
TAVROS: i COULD GET IN THE RIDE TOO?
GAMZEE: SuRe ThInG, mOtHeRfUcKeR.
So you get in the ride. This is a pretty interesting ride. You figure it is probably something to do with human history, with all the little figures singing about the small world and stuff, but you're not really sure.
GAMZEE: IsN't ThIs ThE mOtHeRfUcKiNg ShIt?
TAVROS: tHIS IS, UH, PRETTY NICE
You aren't really sure what to do now. You're kind of happy to be sitting next to Gamzee, though. You can feel his body heat on yours, and when you look up at him, you see he has that giant grin on his face. You feel even worse about avoiding him. I mean, you doubt he would have noticed, because it's just you and Gamzee isn't very observant, but you still feel bad.
You are about halfway through the ride when he puts his arm around you. Oh geez. You are blushing. You can barely even look at Gamzee. This is ridiculous. What did you think was going to happen, anyway?
This is totally different from your flush-crush on Jade. That sure made you feel good, but this makes you feel all squiggly inside. This feeling is really...big. Wow. You didn't think you could ever feel like this, but with these funny human-figures singing this funny human-song that's somehow totally just right for Gamzee, you do. Because Gamzee is the one troll whom you know for certain-sure will never judge you, will never snap at you, will never tell you you're not good enough, will just look at you and think that you're a motherfucking miracle.
You kind of think that maybe he is the miracle, actually. He looks down at you and his smile gets even wider.
Only just then you are coming out of the ride, and there are Rose and all the humans, and they come rushing over again. One of the humans you don't know says to Gamzee that he really needs to get out of the ride, because he is scaring the other patrons.
Oh man, that was kind of like a roar. That poor human looks so scared. That is not cool.
==> TAVROS: Reprimand GAMZEE.
You have never tried to do something like this before, but there is a first time for everything, and maybe THIS is the time to try to be a little self-confident.
TAVROS: uH, gAMZEE, THAT'S NOT, UH, REALLY NICE
GAMZEE: MoThErFuCkInG hOnK
Oh no! He's honking at you now. That is pretty uncomfortable. You need to think of something else really fast.
TAVROS: gAMZEE, UH, YOU ARE TREATING PEOPLE BADLY
TAVROS: tHAT'S NOT COOL
==> TAVROS: Do something for EMPHASIS.
You lean forward and kiss Gamzee on the lips.
And then Gamzee is getting up, and he has picked you up and he's getting out of the ride.
GAMZEE: I aM sOrRy, My FrIeNdS
GAMZEE: i WaS nOt BeInG cOoL
GAMZEE: i HoPe AlL tHe LitTlE bRoThErS aNd SiStErS wIlL hAvE a GoOd TiMe In ThE mOtHeRfUcKiNg TeMpLe Of SmAlLnEsS
Then he kisses you again.
Chapter 14: ==> EVERYBODY: Attend production of fantasmical nature.
==> Be KARKAT VANTAS
Phew. It has been an incredibly long day and you are feeling pretty goddamn tired, but Egbert wanted all of you to come see this thing that he keeps saying is fantastic. You're pretty sure that's what he's been saying. You've been kind of distracted.
At least you found Gamzee, and he and Tavros appear to have come to an understanding. You're glad you don't have to feel all fucking guilty about how past you treated Tavros, but you are beginning to think there is going to have to be a little reprimanding going on.
KARKAT: WILL YOU TWO GET A FUCKING ROOM?
KARKAT: THERE ARE HUMAN GRUBLINGS AROUND
KARKAT: I DON'T THINK ANY OF THEM ARE READY TO BE INTRODUCED TO YOUR PAIL-FILLING HABITS IN CLOSE AND GRAPHIC DETAIL
GAMZEE: SoRrY mOiRaIl
GAMZEE: I WaS GeTtInG CaRrIeD AwAy bY AlL ThIs mOtHeRfUcKiNg mIrThFuLnEsS
TAVROS: uH, yEAH, i'M SORRY
TAVROS: tHIS WAS JUST REALLY, UNEXPECTED?
They sort of untangle themselves a little bit, which you guess is better than nothing, even if Tavros's face is now covered in white face paint and Gamzee has slobber all down his chin. Geez. You would have expected that kind of thing from Dave and Terezi.
==> Be TEREZI PYROPE.
You have not been TEREZI PYROPE all day! And this day has been pretty cool! You tasted something that makes you think that maybe Gamzee is right and there is actually a god, because you think that heaven might taste like that.
You also tasted DAVE STRIDER. H3H3H3. He is so C4NDY-R3D and amazing. You love how ridiculous COOL he is. You love how FLUSTERED he got when you were coming down from your SUGAR-high. You love how he took you all over Disneyland and pretended he wasn't enjoying himself at all but you could tell that he absolutely was. You love how he keeps protesting every time you start licking him but every time you get near his ear his voice gets all squeaky and breathless and desperate.
Speaking of which...
==> Lick DAVE STRIDER'S ear.
He's wriggling again. He is sitting in your lap while you two wait for the beginning of this human show that John is sound incredibly wound up with.
DAVE: terezi youve gotta stop doing that
TEREZI: BUT YOU CL34RLY 3NJOY 1T D4V3
DAVE: yeah but its kind of inappropriate for the venue
DAVE: not that im saying i mind when you use me like some giant-ass lolli
DAVE: but think of the children
TEREZI: DONT YOU TH1NK 1TS 4 L1TTL3 34RLY 1N TH3 R3L4T1ONSH1P FOR TH4T K1ND OF TH1NG D4V3?
DAVE: shit thats not what i meant and you know it
He's wriggling harder, and you clamp your arms around him and hold him still, but because he asked so nicely, you stop licking his ear. He never said anything about his neck.
==> Be NEPETA LEIJON
You are so excited! You just know this last show is going to be purrfect, and here you are! Okay, so you're still a little bit disappointed about Karkitty (even though you are so PAWFULLY happy for him), but it's okay because you made a new friend! Eridan is much less of a meanyhead than you were expecting! Actually he is purrty nice!
Both of you enjoy discussing the finer points of shipping, and you could tell he was trying really hard to cheer you up earlier. Also, he likes puns, and maybe with a little effurt, you can get him to try some kitty puns instead of just fishy ones.
You sort of like the fishy ones too though. Maybe he can teach you those too.
Ooh! Something is happening! The lights are going up on the island across the water. You think maybe it would be nice to be closer, but John said you aren't allowed to go any closer, which is kind of sad. Oh well.
You're getting a little chilly, so you snuggle up to Eridan, hoping he won't mind. Usually you use your moirail for warmth, but Equius obviously needs some time to snuggle with his new matesprit! And you don't mind that a bit, because you're so incredibly excited for them! Except you'd better warn Aradia at some point that she should probably start carrying some towels around. Things could get messy otherwise.
Eridan seems a little stiff when you get snuggly. Oh dear! You hope you haven't embarrassed him!
NEPETA: :33 < *ac shivers and huddles up to ca for warmth*
ERIDAN: oh sure its not a fuckin problem
ERIDAN: go ahead
==> Be ERIDAN AMPORA
Oh fuck. You have to remind yourself really fuckin carefully that you aren't allowed to get flushed for anybody, especially someone who's just had their fuckin heart broken. That would be so totally uncool. And not like being a nice person. You're just going to make sure Nepeta gets the warmth she needs and you are not going to notice how soft and nice she feels curled up against your side like that. Nope. Not going to notice it at all.
Okay, good, things are startin over across the lake. That funny-lookin human-mouse-thing with the giant ears is dreamin and hes doin some shit with a magic wand. You have to admit that's pretty cool. You kind of miss your magic wand, even though you just fucked shit up with it when you had it. Maybe if you'd used your wand for dreamin instead of killin people, you wouldn't have screwed everything up so badly.
Wow. Oh man. The mouse-man is making pictures in the water. It's like he's using the water as a giant movie screen. You've never seen anything like that. You didn't know that could be done, and you thought you knew pretty much everything you could do with water. But you never really tried doing things that were just pretty with the water or your wand. Maybe you should. Oh hey what's that comin around the corner? It looks like a pirate ship or some shit like that.
==> Be JOHN EGBERT.
You sneak a peek around as Fantasmic starts. You are sitting beside VRISKA SERKET and ROSE LALONDE. Vriska is just staring at the show with her mouth wide open, but Rose is kind of massaging her forehead. You know she hasn't been having as much fun as everybody else, but you are not really sure what to do about it. But maybe Fantasmic will make it up to her. You hear that it is a really amazing show to watch, and so far, it is!
Hmmm. You haven't seen too much of Vriska today, which is okay, because you had to be the responsible one and make sure that the trolls didn't destroy everything, but you kind of wish you had been able to hang out with her a little more. She is pretty cool, and, well, really pretty. You look behind you, to where Jade and Karkat are sitting. Karkat is scowling, but then Jade takes his hand, and he sort of blushes and smiles. It's so adorable! You look back at Vriska and--uh oh.
Vriska is not there anymore. Okay, no need to panic. Maybe she just had to go to the bathroom or something? Across the water, Captain Hook is fighting with Peter Pan, and. Um. Oh fuck.
ROSE: John, please tell me that is not a troll flying toward the pirate ship.
JOHN: oh shit!
ROSE: I thought we had instructed the trolls THOROUGHLY before this began!
JOHN: i don't know, but don't panic!
JOHN: we can work this out!
ROSE: Disneyland is going to implode, John!
ROSE: We are going to be arrested!
KANAYA: Rose It Will Be All Right
Oh my gosh, what is she DOING? She has just landed on the ship between Peter Pan and Captain Hook. Oh please don't let her be about to start fighting! You are not sure what you will do if Vriska starts murdering the actors at Disneyland! And it will be all your fault because it was your idea!
VRISKA: Okaaaaaaaay, let's t8ke this from the top!
VRISKA: As my hum8n friends have told me ooooooooover and oooooooover 8gain, fighting is what 8ad people do!
VRISKA: And I am trying to 8e a good person.
VRISKA: So, I would really 8ppreci8 it if you two could try to get along.
Oh my gosh.
Peter Pan and Captain Hook are looking at each other. And they just put down their swords. And they are kind of eying each other but then they put out their hands and SHAKE EACH OTHER'S HANDS.
The crowd is going WILD! They are all CHEERING! And Vriska is flying back this way with that stupid manic grin on her face, and it is totally AMAZING! She comes flying down to you, but instead of landing, she picks you up and takes you back into the air.
You are FLYING.
You are flying in VRISKA SERKET'S arms, and she has a giant goofy grin on her face.
VRISKA: Did I get it right, John????????
JOHN: yes, you did!
JOHN: that was amazing!!!!!!!!!
VRISKA: So I am 8eing a good person?
JOHN: yes, you are!
VRISKA: Then I h8ve a question for you.
VRISKA: Will you 8e my m8sprit, John?
VRISKA: I mean my 8oyfriend. <<<<<<<<33333333
Oh man. You could answer with words, but her lips are RIGHT THERE IN FRONT OF YOU.
==> JOHN: Kiss the girl.
You KISS the GIRL.
The crowd goes wild.
==> Be KANAYA MARYAM.
That was certainly unexpected, but fortunately the actors in this human show were wise enough to appease Vriska, and at least, for once, your former flush-crush was attempting to do the right thing. In fact, it seems as if most of the humans, at least, have simply assumed this was a new part of the show. You hear a small grubling asking her mother if the blue fairy is in a movie.
Rose is sitting next to you, and she is shaking. This is unacceptable.
KANAYA: Everything Is All Right
ROSE: Yes, I know.
ROSE: I have simply been extraordinarily stressed today.
KANAYA: Rose Would You Mind If I Spoke Frankly
ROSE: I suppose not.
ROSE: Go ahead.
KANAYA: Very Well
KANAYA: You Take Too Much Upon Yourself Sometimes
KANAYA: Everything Is Fine And It Is Going To Remain So
KANAYA: Also There Is Something I Have Been Wanting To Do All Day
KANAYA: But Have Found No Opportunity To Do So
ROSE: I trust you, Kanaya. I do not expect you to do something foolish.
ROSE: You have been--extraordinarily helpful, all day.
ROSE: You are right. I have probably been too stressed and too worried.
ROSE: It is hard to remember sometimes that everything is no longer a matter of life or death.
ROSE: I am not sure I can put into words how grateful I am, but
All right, this is not the time to listen to ROSE LALONDE given another one of her verbose speeches. She will simply get more stressed.
==> KANAYA: Kiss the girl.
You have been wanting to do this for longer than today, actually. You have been wanting to do this as far back as possibly during the game. You have imagined all kinds of kisses, long, short, hard, soft. You had not imagined the way Rose's voice would continue to vibrate through her lips for a moment and then be replaced by a soft squeak. You had not imagined that she would start to kiss you back with so much desperation.
You had not imagined that the moment could ever live up to your wildest imaginings.
But it has, and it has surpassed them.
==> Be ROSE LALONDE.
Today is the most glorious day of your life.
==> Be DAVE STRIDER.
Well, looks like Rose finally got herself some action, which you have been personally predicting for what seems like years now. Good for her. Oh hell, everyone's doing it, looks like it is your turn.
==> DAVE: Kiss the girl.
The girl is extremely appreciative of this gesture.
==> Be EQUIUS ZAHHAK.
You look around. Oh goodness, look at everything that is going on around you! It is all so very improper! You look down at Aradia, around whose shoulder you have gingerly placed your arm. Perhaps...if everyone is doing it...
==> EQUIUS: Kiss the girl.
Oh my goodness. Yes.
This was the correct choice of action.
You are so happy, you forget about towels.
==> Be JADE HARLEY.
Hehe, John is kissing Vriska and they look like such a cute, adorable couple! And, wow, it's sort of like there is a kissing virus, because it seems to be spreading across all the trolls and their dates or people they want to be their dates. Matesprits. Whatever.
You look up at Karkat, who is blushing.
KARKAT: FUCK THOSE NINNIES
KARKAT: THIS IS RIDICULOUS
Hmmm. It appears that Karkat disapproves of all this kissing. Maybe you should test him to see if he's really immune to this kissing virus thing.
==> JADE: Kiss the boy.
Ooh, he's definitely not immune to it.
KARKAT: OKAY I CHANGED MY MIND
KARKAT: THIS ISN'T RIDICULOUS AT ALL
KARKAT: THIS IS AMAZING
==> Be FEFERI PEIXES.
Ooh, looks like it is KISSING TIM-----E!
==> FEFERI: Kiss the boy!
You kiss Sollux. Then you kiss him again. Then a few more times just to make sure you are doing it right.
But there is one other thing you have to do. You cannot believe it, but it was VRISKA, of all people, who made it clear to you that this thing has to be done.
==> Be TAVROS NITRAM.
This is a lot of fun.
==> TAVROS: Kiss the boy.
You cannot start kissing the boy because you never really stopped kissing the boy except for a few minutes while KARKAT was watching you two disapprovingly.
This may actually be better than flying.
This is the best day ever.
==> Be ERIDAN AMPORA.
You feel a little twinge of jealousy when you see all the sloppy troll/human makeouts and troll/troll makeouts that are going on, but it fades pretty quickly. Good for you! Also, this show is really pretty fuckin awesome. You're enjoyin it a lot, and you're really enjoyin the nice feel of NEPETA snuggled up next to you. Then somebody comes up behind you.
FEFERI: Umm, Eridan?
FEFERI: Could I talk to you?
Oh fuck. You're so gonna fuck this shit up. Is she gonna yell at you? Or say she never wants to see you again? Or tell you what a terrible person you are?
She hugs you.
That's not what you were expecting.
FEFERI: I accept your apology.
ERIDAN: thanks fef
ERIDAN: im really glad
You hug her for a little longer and then you know it's time for her to go and be with Sollux because right now it's time for everyone to be with their matesprits and shit and she'll enjoy things a lot more.
ERIDAN: you go havve fun wwith sol ok
FEFERI: T)(ank you, Eridan!
She pats you on the shoulder and rushes off back to Sollux. Nepeta gives you a giant smile.
NEPETA: :33 < *ac thinks that was soooo purrfectly adorable!*
ERIDAN: im pretty glad that happened
ERIDAN: im glad she doesnt hate me
Nepeta looks up at you.
NEPETA: :33 < *ac is wondering something! and it is okay if not but*
NEPETA: :33 < *she is not asking you to be her matesprit or anything*
NEPETA: :33 < *but it would be nice if maybe they could try doing the thing that everyone is doing?*
You don't want to be a douche-nozzle again. And she's not asking you to be matesprits. But, let's be honest, you think she is cute and sweet and you guys have a lot in common. And it seems like it would be fuckin criminal to be the only ones NOT having sloppy makeouts.
ERIDAN: yeah sure
==> ERIDAN: Kiss the girl.
You've never actually kissed a girl before. You hope you're doin it right.
==> Be NEPETA LEIJON.
Ooh this is great! You thought maybe he wouldn't want to or he would have fishy lips or something, but he doesn't.
You are really
==> Be MOM.
Of course you are here. You would not let your offspring take off to Disneyland with twelve crazy trolls without SOME supervision. Of course you are maybe a little bit tspiy, but that's okay, because nothing terrible has happened!
And next to you is the nicest, sweetest, most wonderful, most gentlemanly of gentlemen! A little bit TOO gentlemanly, possibly.
==> MOM: Kiss the DAD.
You grab DAD'S TIE, yank his face down and plant a sloppy one on his lips. He, after standing stone still in SHOCK, tips you over into a the PERFECT ROMANTIC POSITION, with his hand supporting your back.
You balance your martini glass on his back and then continue to kiss him.
What? You have to have SOME priorities.
==> EVERYBODY: Live happily ever after.
It's Disneyland, after all.
And you deserve it.