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I'm Not a Eunuch!

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Xander headed for Spike’s crypt, wondering for at the least the thousandth time why he was going. He hated Spike and was pretty sure the feeling was mutual. Still, what the vampire had done for Tara last night had been...nice. Yeah, ok, Spike had hit her, but it was to prove a point. And he’d given himself a damn good headache when he didn’t have to. So here was Xander, white hat and all around good guy, heading for the crypt of the evil undead to thank him for hitting his best friend’s girlfriend. Life on the Hellmouth was so strange. He went inside Spike’s crypt and was surprised to find it empty. He was about to leave when a low moan drifted up from downstairs. Huh. Who knew Spike had a downstairs? Another moan and this time Xander blushed. It sounded like the fun kind of moaning and not the I’m-dying-please-help-me kind. With a naughty grin he headed for the stairs. If he could catch Spike in a compromising situation with some skanky vamp ho, he’d have snarky ammunition for weeks. He quietly made his way downstairs.

“That’s so good. Feels so good, pet.”

Xander ignored the little voice in his head that commented on how sexy Spike sounded. This was not about possibly catching an eyeful of naked Spike. This was ammunition for his Spike war-nothing more, nothing less.

“Been too long. Fuck me harder. Make me feel it.”

Xander frowned. Now that was odd. That almost sounded like Spike was on the receiving end and that just wasn’t possible. He reached the bottom of the stairs just as a new voice joined Spike’s.

“Christ, Spike, you’re so damn tight. Squeeze me tighter. Oh fuck.”

Xander’s mouth fell open and he stared in absolute shock. Angel and Spike? Spike and Angel? They couldn’t be...but they were. Spike was on his back with Angel kneeling between his thighs. Xander was brought out of his stupor by the sound of Spike’s voice.

“Close your mouth, whelp. You look like an idiot.”

Xander’s mouth snapped closed and he glared at Spike. “I didn’t mean to interrupt. I just came by to talk to you.”

“Really? So why didn’t you turn around and leave when you realized that I was...busy?”

“I was going to! I was! But then you yelled at me and now I’m going. Talk to you later. Bye.”

Spike chuckled. “You’re such a little liar. You want to stay and watch. The vamp on vamp action’s got you all hot and bothered.”

Xander was indignant. “I do not! It so doesn’t.”

“It so does,” Spike teased. “I can smell your arousal.”

“Ok, now that’s just eww. Vampires are so gross.”

Angel had been following this conversation with increasing impatience. “Do you two mind? Kind of in the middle of something here.”

Xander started to back out of the room then froze. “Wait a minute! You’re Angelus, aren’t you?”

“Why would you ask me that?”

“Cause you’re having sex and we all know you can’t have sex. So you must be Angelus.”

It was absolutely the wrong thing to say. Angel was off the bed, pacing the room furiously, and muttering to himself. Xander eeped and covered his eyes. He spread his fingers wide then eeped again and slapped his other hand over his eyes. Oh God. Naked Angel parts. He was going to have to take his eyeballs out and bleach them before that little sight left him. Ok, not so little. Xander groaned and promised to bleach his brain as well for noticing the size of Angel’s attributes. The naked angry vampire was pacing a little too close to Xander for comfort. He inched over to the bed, being very careful not to make any sudden moves. When he got close enough, he sat on the edge of the bed.

“What’s that all about?”

“Don’t know. He showed up just before sunrise. Before I knew it, my pants were around my ankles and I was bent over the sofa.”

“TMI Spike.”

“You asked.”

“No I didn’t. Ok, yes I did. But not really. I meant the really good impression of a crazy person that Angel is doing right now.”

They watched Angel pace the floor.

“Why is it that everyone assumes that I can’t have sex? The stupid curse doesn’t say anything about sex. It’s all about perfect happiness and really how often does that happen? It was a fluke. A one time thing that just happened to occur after I slept with Buffy and now everyone things I can’t have sex.” He turned and glared at Spike and Xander. “I’m not a eunuch!”

“Of course you’re not, pet.” Spike said soothingly. He leaned closer to Xander. “What’s a eunuch?”

Xander shrugged helplessly. Where was Willow when you needed her?

“I’m not a eunuch and I can have sex with any damn one I please.” Angel’s eyes glittered. “And I’m going to prove it.” A wicked smile curved his lips and his eyes settled on Xander.

Xander took one look at that smile and was off the bed like a shot. He almost made it through the door before he was pinned against the wall by a very naked and very aroused vampire.

“Where do you think you’re going?”

The silky almost-purr right in his ear made Xander shiver. Feeling Angel’s erection pressing against his ass through his jeans was making his stomach feel jumpy.

“Just let me go home Angel. Then you and Spike can finish what you were doing when I interrupted.”

“I don’t think so, Xander.” This time the little purr was accompanied by a tongue snaking into his ear and Xander gulped. “It’s been a long time since I was part of a threesome.”

Now Xander was perfectly willing to admit that he’d often fantasized about being involved in threesome; however, it was always the girl-girl-Xander kind of threesome.

“Angel, I don’t think this is a good idea.”

“That’s only because you don’t know what you’re missing. Let me show you.’

Angel’s tongue trailed along the rim of Xander’s ear before slipping back inside. Xander shivered and unconsciously pressed back against Angel’s arousal. Angel’s growl tickled his ear and Xander shivered some more. Then a hand was ghosting over his erection and Xander forgot how to breathe.

“Come to bed?”

Xander turned to look at Angel. He nodded helplessly and Angel smiled. Xander had an idle thought that Angel should smile more often; he was so gorgeous when he smiled. Xander found himself being led back to the bed and a still naked Spike. He wished for a minute that he had that kind of self-confidence. Spike was leaning against the headboard, one leg bent, and one hand lying casually on his belly. He was completely unashamed of his nakedness. Of course, if Xander looked that good naked, he’d never wear clothes.

“You’re babbling, whelp.”

“I’m not a whelp. Whatever that is. And I’m not babbling. I haven’t said a word.”

“In your head. I can see the wheels turning from here. Surprised there isn’t smoke coming out of your ears.”

Spike smiled and Xander’s belly flip-flopped. It was a nice smile, not one of his I’m-laughing-at-you-cause-you’re-an-idiot smile but a real one. Xander smiled shyly back.

“I think he has too many clothes on, Spike. What do you think?”

“Way too many. Let’s see what we can do about that.”

Spike crawled across the bed and knelt on the edge. He reached out and slid his hands under Xander’s T-shirt. Teasing fingers found Xander’s nipples and he groaned. Xander felt Angel’s hands slide under the back of his shirt. Together the vampires worked the shirt over Xander’s head and tossed it aside. Angel’s tongue trailed along his collarbone while Spike’s found a tight little nipple to play with. Xander was so lost in the feel of Spike’s mouth on his nipple, he hardly noticed Angel divesting him of the rest of his clothes.

Angel let his hands wander over warm smooth skin. He was pleasantly surprised at the body Xander kept hidden under the baggy clothes. He’d always thought the boy was too pretty for his own good, but the body was all male. Angel let his hands trail over firm buttocks and he smiled. All male and all his. First things first, though. Angel moved from behind Xander and crawled into bed. He pulled Spike away from Xander and into an erotic kiss.

“I believe we were right in the middle of something,” Angel murmured against Spike’s lips.

Spike grinned. “Yeah, I think we were just getting to the good part.”

Xander stood beside the bed, unsure of what to do. Then Angel spoke to him.

“Make yourself comfortable against the headboard, Xander. I want you to watch. Watch while I pleasure Spike. I want you to see how good it feels. I want you to want the same pleasure that Spike’s getting.”

Xander’s bones practically melted at the sexy tone. And the pictures the words conjured made his cock ache. He climbed onto the bed and settled himself against the headboard.

“Good boy.” Now that Xander was settled, Angel turned his attention back to Spike. “Hands and knees for me, little one.”

Spike shrugged; the boy wasn’t going to see much but the top of Spike’s head and some of his back, but this was Angel’s show. He turned and knelt before Angel. One long glide and Spike was once again filled with his Sire’s cock. Then a strong arm was sliding around his waist and pulling him back until he was straddling Angel’s thighs. Spike’s back was cushioned against Angel’s broad chest and his thighs were splayed wantonly on either side of Angel’s. It was an erotic picture and Spike had to grin. His Sire hadn’t lost his touch.

Angel settled his hands on Spike’s hips and began to raise and lower Spike on his cock. Spike’s head fell back against Angel’s shoulder and he moaned.

“Like that, little one? Like it when I’m inside you?” Spike moaned a breathy yes and Angel smiled. “Open your eyes, little one. Let Xander see it. Let Xander see how much you like it.”

Xander gulped when blue eyes met his. He’d never noticed how expressive Spike’s eyes were. Right now they were filled with lust and heat and passion and Xander didn’t think he’d ever seen anything so sexy.

“You’re so pretty.” Xander hadn’t meant to that say out loud and he blushed furiously.

Angel laughed and kissed Spike’s shoulder. “He is, isn’t he? It’s why I turned him. I’ve always had a thing for pretty boys.” His heated gaze fell on Xander and Xander blushed again.

Spike moaned softly when Angel’s cock found his prostate. He brought a hand down to fondle himself and groaned when Angel stopped him. “Please, Sire. “

“No. I don’t want you to touch yourself.”

“Do it for me?”

“Sorry, little one. My hands are otherwise occupied.” Angel tightened his grip on Spike’s hips and began to move Spike faster on his cock.

“Please, Sire. I need it,” Spike panted.

“Come here, Xander.”

There was a slight hesitation before Xander complied, stopping just inches from Spike. He let his gaze drop to the swollen erection

“Go ahead, Xander. Touch him. I want you to make him feel good.”

Xander reached out a tentative hand and let it glide from the base of Spike’s cock to the tip. He pulled back his hand and found the tips of his fingers glistening with Spike’s pre-come. He brought his hand to his mouth and took an experimental lick.

“Fucking hell,” Spike groaned.

Xander looked up to see Spike watching him. With a mischievous grin, he licked every trace of Spike from his fingers. By the time he was finished, Spike’s eyes were dilated with lust. Xander found Angel watching him, a pleased expression on his face.

“He tastes good doesn’t he? Do you want more Xander?”

Xander was surprised to find that he did. He moved forward slightly and laid his hands on Spike’s thighs. He could feel the muscles trembling under his hands. He bent his head and gave the lightest lick to the head of Spike’s cock.


His name was a ragged moan and Xander smiled. He’d never made anyone sound like that before. He bent his head again and began to teasingly lick Spike’s erection.

Spike closed his eyes and let his head fall back on Angel’s shoulder again. His Sire’s thick cock was pounding away in his ass and Xander’s hot mouth was teasing his aching shaft. Spike wound a hand in Xander’s thick hair and let the pleasure wash over him.

Xander worked Spike’s cock, his confidence growing with each moan and sigh from Spike. He wrapped his lips around the head and sucked gently and was rewarded by Spike’s hand tightening almost painfully in his hair. Spike’s moans were coming faster and his hips were rocking slightly, pushing his cock slowly in and out of Xander’s mouth. Xander lowered his head and took a little more of Spike’s cock into his warm mouth.

“Christ, Xander. You need to...Jesus. You need to pull back, Xander. I’m going to come.”

Xander merely looked at Spike from under long lashes and continued to suck.

Spike groaned at the seductive gaze and let go. He felt Xander swallowing around his shaft and moaned helplessly. After what seemed like hours, he was completely empty. He watched as Xander very carefully let the spent shaft slip from his mouth, giving it a last lick before he sat back on his heels.

Xander found Angel watching him. Without thought, he leaned over Spike and brought his mouth to Angel’s, sharing Spike’s come with him. Tongues dueled as Angel licked delicately at the inside of Xander’s mouth. Then Spike’s mouth was there as well and they enjoyed a passionate, if awkward, three-way kiss. Suddenly Angel pulled back and buried his face in the curve of Spike’s shoulder. Xander felt the shudders wrack the powerful body as Angel came. Finally Angel was still and the room was quiet except for the soft sounds of labored breathing.

Angel lifted his head from Spike’s shoulder. He let his eyes rake Xander’s form, stopping on the painfully hard cock between the boy’s muscular thighs. He caught Xander’s eye and enjoyed the blush that spread over Xander’s face.

“Poor baby.”

Angel uncoiled his long frame from around Spike and crawled to Xander. Xander found himself flat on his back with Angel over him. He tensed when Angel’s teeth grazed his neck then relaxed when Angel did nothing more than nibble. Cool lips trailed over his chest and down to his groin. Angel kissed the tip of Xander’s cock. Xander groaned and pushed him away.

“Don’t. I don’t think I can last if you do that.”

Angel smiled. “All right. What do you want then?”

Xander squirmed uncomfortably. “I think I want you in me. But I’m afraid that it’ll hurt.”

“I won’t hurt you, Xander.” He saw Xander eyeing his erection doubtfully. “It might hurt a little, but that’ll fade quickly and you’ll love it. I promise.”

Xander gave a faint nod and Angel kissed him lightly before reaching for the lube on the bedside table. He moved to lie next to Xander and turned them on their sides, facing one another. Angel brought one of Xander’s legs up to rest over his hip. He kissed Xander, letting his hands wander over warm flesh. When Xander’s trembling had quieted, Angel quickly slicked his fingers then let them play lightly over Xander’s entrance. Xander tensed, but Angel never broke their kiss. He kept up the light stroking on Xander’s ass and when Xander relaxed again, he carefully eased a single finger inside.

Xander sucked in a breath at the invasion. He pulled away from Angel’s mouth and took in several lungfuls of necessary air. Angel’s finger moving gently in and out gradually felt better and better and Xander let himself fall into another kiss. They kissed for long minutes while Angel gradually worked a second then a third finger into Xander’s tight channel.

“Angel, please. I want you.”

Angel pulled back from Xander and grabbed a pillow. “Turn over for me, Xander.” Xander eyed him quizzically so Angel explained. “It’ll be easier for you first time.” Xander rolled onto his belly and Angel slid the pillow under his hips, raising his butt slightly. “You won’t have to work to hold yourself up. Just lie there and let me make you feel good.”

Angel slicked his cock and moved into position behind Xander. Very slowly he eased himself inside Xander’s body, stopping occasionally to murmur nonsense to Xander when he tensed. Finally, Angel was buried completely in Xander. He stilled, letting Xander become accustomed to the fullness. At Xander’s whispered encouragement, Angel began to move.

Xander groaned and fisted his hands in the sheets. He’d never known anything could feel like this. He felt stretched and full and it was so damn good it bordered on painful. Then Angel hit something inside that made Xander see stars.


Angel chuckled. “Like that, Xander?”

“God yes. More please. Yeah, there. Right there.”

Angel complied, hitting that sweet spot over and over and making Xander gasp. Angel turned to look at Spike. His childe was lying on his side, head propped on his hand, enjoying the show. He saw Angel looking at him and pouted playfully.

“What’s wrong, Childe?”

“Feelin’ all left out over here.”

Angel grinned. He carefully maneuvered until he and Xander were lying on their sides. Spike moved over so he could brush his long frame against Xander’s. Xander groaned when Spike’s cock rubbed over his. Angel began moving in him again and Xander moaned.

“Good isn’t he? Fills you up and then some.” Spike trailed a finger along Xander’s erection. “Want me to return the favor, pet? Want me take your cock in my mouth and suck you dry?”

“God Spike. You keep talking to me like that and you won’t have to.”

Spike grinned. In an instant he changed his plans. Scooting closer to Xander he began to rub their shafts together. He bent his head and began to whisper naughtiness into Xander’s ear. He was soon rewarded with a harsh cry from Xander and the warm splash of semen on his belly. Spike brought his hand down to coat his himself with Xander’s come. Using it for lubricant, he quickly brought himself off.

Xander’s orgasm had squeezed his inner muscles almost painfully tight around Angel’s cock. Angel gave a choked moan and began to fuck Xander faster. With a final thrust he buried himself deep inside Xander and let his orgasm come.

Just as the sun set, Angel finished dressing. He gave a last fond look at the occupants of the bed. They were snuggled together, sleeping peacefully. He grinned. They should be tired; he hadn’t let them rest all day. Whistling happily, Angel headed for his car and began the long drive back to L.A. He smiled all the way.

Meanwhile, back in the crypt, Xander cracked an eye open when he heard the door close. He wondered if he should leave but then Spike’s arm came around him and pulled him close. He sighed happily and snuggled deeper into the covers.


“Yeah, pet?”

“Did we ever figure out what brought this on?”

“No idea. Poof must have had some issues to work out.”

Long silence, then...



“Do you think Angel will need to work on any more issues any time soon?”