SOLLUX: tz, n0.
SOLLUX: we are not even having this c0nversation.
TEREZI: WHY NOT? >:[
SOLLUX: because it’s fucking ridicul0us, is why not.
SOLLUX: i d0n’t like the guy.
SOLLUX: he’s an asshole.
SOLLUX: i realise he gets y0u all hot and b0thered and that’s great, seriously, i’m really happy f0r you.
SOLLUX: but y0u always had fucking terrible taste in quadrants, i mean come 0n.
SOLLUX: these are not the crushes 0f a sane woman.
TEREZI: OH FUCK YOU!
TEREZI: B3C4US3 OBV1OUSLY 4R4D14 ‘W3 4R3 4LL DOOM3D, HOOR4Y’ M3G1DO W4S SUCH 4 LOG1C4L CHO1C3 FOR 4 MO1R41L
TEREZI: TH3 H4PPY HOURS YOU COULD H4V3 SP3NT TR4D1NG 3Y3L1N3R 4ND GLOOM1LY SMOOCH1NG 34CH OTH3R R1GHT ON TH3 4POC4LYPS3
SOLLUX: 0k lets just take a second here t0 recall who briefly went black f0r a psychotic juggal0.
SOLLUX: because i don’t think it was me.
SOLLUX: ‘0h no, s0llux, he’s hot!’, is this ringing any bells in the c0urtro0m, legislacerator.
SOLLUX: have we taken a sec0nd? ok that was a g0od sec0nd, maybe we should take an0ther.
SOLLUX: a second sec0nd if you will.
TEREZI: WOW GOOD JOB K1CK1NG TH3 DU4L1TY 4DD1CT1ON TH3R3 2OLLUX
TEREZI: M4YB3 YOU SHOULD T4K3 TWO WHOL3 S3CONDS TWO SHUT YOUR STUP1D F4C3
TEREZI: 4ND STOP B31NG 4 P4TRON1S1NG DOUCH3Y DOUCH3 4ND JUST L1ST3N TO M3!! >XO
TEREZI: D4V3 1S V3RY 1MPORT4NT TO M3
TEREZI: 4T F1RST 1 THOUGHT H3 W4S JUST FUN TO FL1RT W1TH 1N 4 DUMB W4Y
TEREZI: BUT H3 1S 4CTU4LLY SORT OF SP3C14L
TEREZI: PROP3RLY SP3C14L
TEREZI: 1 TH1NK TH3R3 1S G3NU1N3 S3R3ND1P1TY 4T WORK B3TW33N US 4ND 1M NOT STUP1D 3NOUGH TO TURN MY B4CK ON TH4T
TEREZI: PLUS H3 1S HOTT3R TH4N TROLL H3LL
TEREZI: 1 M34N J3GUS
SOLLUX: 0h would y0u lo0k at that, i just threw up in my mouth a little.
SOLLUX: and 0nce again, congratulati0ns, really, i’m overj0yed for y0u and your b0ner.
SOLLUX: why the fuck do i have t0 be involved in any way.
TEREZI: 4RGH >:\
TEREZI: B3C4US3 YOU 4R3 R34LLY 1MPORT4NT TO M3 4S W3LL, YOU 1D1OT
TEREZI: YOU 4R3 MY B3ST FR13ND!
TEREZI: MY SN4RKY HORR1BL3 GRUMPY C4NT4NK3ROUS SM4RT4SS B3ST FR13ND
TEREZI: 4ND 1 WOULD R34LLY L1K3 1T 1F MY M4T3SPR1T 4ND MY B3ST FR13ND COULD, YOU KNOW, SP3ND F1V3 M1NUT3S 1N TH3 S4M3 ROOM W1THOUT GLOW3R1NG 4T 34CH OTH3R SO H4RD 1T M4K3S MY B4CK T33TH CURL >:|
SOLLUX: n0w you’re just exaggerating.
TEREZI: 1 4M NOT!
TEREZI: YOU KNOW 4FT3R TH3 L4ST M33T1NG JOHN TOOK M3 4S1D3 4ND 4SK3D M3 ‘1N CONF1D3NC3!’ 1F YOU 4ND D4V3 W3R3 GO1NG ‘K1SM3S1ST1C’ FOR 34CH OTH3R??
SOLLUX: j0hn egbert still hasn’t figured out what pails are f0r, tz.
SOLLUX: which is actually pretty funny, eheheheh.
SOLLUX: lo0k, i’ll try and cut back on the gl0wering, ok.
SOLLUX: but there’s eight pe0ple on this lump 0f rock, nine when aa turns up.
SOLLUX: stands t0 reason we’re n0t all going t0 get along.
* * *
DAVE: nuh uh
ROSE: Dave, for Heaven’s sake.
ROSE: Aren’t you being just a little melodramatic?
DAVE: how does repeatedly saying no qualify as melodramatic
DAVE: the melodrama audience wants its fucking money back
DAVE: also no
DAVE: im not
DAVE: glad we had this talk
ROSE: I’m honestly baffled.
ROSE: I had thought you and Sollux would get along splendidly.
DAVE: what because were both assholes
DAVE: nice try rose but its not that simple
DAVE: assholes of a feather dont always flock together
DAVE: kinda the point of being an asshole tbh
ROSE: Well, I certainly appreciate your considered characterisation of my boyfriend as an asshole.
ROSE: It’s nice to know you trust my judgement so implicitly.
DAVE: hey come on no offence meant
DAVE: im goddamn proud to be an asshole
DAVE: ill be on the front float in the big parade for international asshole day
DAVE: were an unfairly marginalised and overlooked demographic you know
DAVE: im on the right track baby i was born this way
DAVE: also woah boyfriend
DAVE: dont think i missed that one
ROSE: Oh no!
ROSE: The dreadful truth, laid bare at last.
ROSE: Dave, I... I am in a relationship with the boy whose side I’ve barely left for the past fortnight.
ROSE: That time you walked in on us kissing in the ground-floor laboratory was not, in fact, an elaborately staged ploy.
ROSE: I’m so ashamed.
DAVE: look theres a big difference between knowing shit and saying shit
DAVE: you of all people shouldnt need telling that
DAVE: also thanx for reminding me of the cute personal nightmare that was my twin sister playing tonsil lacrosse with a skinny alien nerd
DAVE: do you think next time you could maybe not press him up against a big glass tank full of fucked up mutant space goat
DAVE: didnt exactly help the visual ill be frank
ROSE: My apologies.
ROSE: Next time, I’ll aim for the huge, armoured cow.
ROSE: But you know, he reminds me of you, in many ways.
DAVE: what the cow
ROSE: A cow would be a she, Dave.
ROSE: More or less by definition.
DAVE: oh yeah
ROSE: He’s sarcastic, deeply private, and severely emotionally repressed.
DAVE: cant imagine what you two crazy lovebirds see in each other
ROSE: And he makes me laugh.
ROSE: I understand why you find Karkat so aggravating, but I really do think your antipathy to Sollux is grounded entirely in your imagination.
ROSE: Have you exchanged more than five words with him since we arrived?
DAVE: rose look i appreciate the effort but its not gonna work
DAVE: its not like were going to have one conversation about buffy or something and suddenly decide were bros 4 lyfe
DAVE: hes a snarky fuck
DAVE: im a snarky fuck
DAVE: snarky fuck plus snarky fuck only equals fistbumps and trips for ice cream in your dumb magical girl math
DAVE: dudes are pretty much programmed to hate other dudes
DAVE: and not in a sexy smouldering yaoi way
DAVE: i mean hows that conversation going to start really
DAVE: so i hear youre swapping fluids with my sister
DAVE: good job
DAVE: high five
ROSE: So you DO resent our relationship!
ROSE: I suspected as much.
DAVE: what no
DAVE: i dont give a fuck about that
DAVE: im just saying that basically all weve got in common is you
ROSE: And Terezi.
ROSE: And a perplexing reliance on evolutionary psychology as your guide to social interaction.
DAVE: oh yeah good point
DAVE: im also getting hot and heavy with his bestest childhood friend
DAVE: really how could this possibly go wrong
DAVE: seriously rose
DAVE: points for trying
DAVE: but no
DAVE: just let assholes be assholes okay
* * *
ROSE: So we’re agreed?
TEREZI: 1 H4V3 S3CUR3D TH3 4SS1ST4NC3 OF K4N4Y4
TEREZI: SH3 1S B3H1ND US ON3 HUNDR3D P3RC3NT
ROSE: That’s excellent.
ROSE: I must admit I was worried she’d be dismissive of such subterfuge.
TEREZI: OH OUR M1SS M4RY4M H4S 4 SURPR1S1NG 4PP3T1T3 FOR SH3N4N1G4NS 4ND SH4DY D34LS
TEREZI: 3SP3C14LLY WH3N 4 B4CON 4ND J3LLY S4NDW1CH 1S 1NVOLV3D >:]
TEREZI: WH4T 4BOUT YOU, W3R3 YOU SUCC3SSFUL
ROSE: Of course.
ROSE: Jade and John greeted the plan with predictable enthusiasm.
ROSE: You haven’t mentioned it to Karkat?
TEREZI: 1 4M NOT 4N 1D1OT
TEREZI: 1 H4V3 SWORN K4N4Y4 TO S3CR3CY
TEREZI: 1F 4NYTH1NG OUR W34K PO1NT 1S 3GB3RT
TEREZI: 1 H4V3 M3T W1NDOWS W1TH 4 GR34T3R C4P4C1TY FOR D3C3PT1ON >:\
ROSE: Don’t count John out too early.
ROSE: It’s all in the phrasing, with him.
ROSE: If he perceives treachery, his indignation is boundless, and demonstrative.
ROSE: But if he sees merely an opportunity for a prank?
ROSE: His wiles are genuinely formidable.
ROSE: I would go so far as to say that he is simply the best there is.
TEREZI: 1 W1LL B3L13V3 1T WH3N 1 SM3LL 1T
TEREZI: ST1LL, 1 H4V3 NO CHO1CE BUT TO TRUST YOU
TEREZI: 1 N33D H4RDLY STR3SS TH4T, SHOULD W3 F41L, TH3 CONS3QU3NC3S W1LL B3 C4T4STROPH1C
ROSE: I’m well aware of that.
ROSE: We have much to lose.
ROSE: But so much more to gain.
TEREZI: TH3N 1T 1S S3TTL3D
TEREZI: OP3R4T1ON DOUBL3 OR NOTH1NG H4S OFF1C14LLY B3GUN
TEREZI: 1F YOU 4R3 C4PTUR3D TH1S 4G3NCY W1LL D1SCL41M 4LL KNOWL3DG3 OF YOUR 3X1ST3NC3
ROSE: Oh, likewise.
ROSE: Can we get out of the broom cupboard now?
ROSE: My leg is cramping up.
TEREZI: BUT 1TS SO COSY 1N H3R3 >:[
* * *
SOLLUX: 0h my god, strider, is that y0u?
DAVE: of course its me dipshit
DAVE: what you thought it was jade
DAVE: what the hell is going on
DAVE: where am i
SOLLUX: take some time to think ab0ut that last question.
SOLLUX: g0 ahead, i’ll wait.
DAVE: oh right
DAVE: guess i spent too long with tz
DAVE: got used to blind trolls not being fucking useless
SOLLUX: fuck you, y0u want to kn0w where we are?
SOLLUX: i can hear the main generator s0 we’re low in the stati0n, probably gr0und flo0r somewhere.
SOLLUX: can’t smell 0rganic solvents s0 it’s not a lab.
SOLLUX: ac0ustics suggest plenty of space but a l0w ceiling.
SOLLUX: and i just banged my fucking knee on s0me metal shit that really hurt.
SOLLUX: so i’m g0ing with auxiliary storer0om f0ur.
SOLLUX: next time you need a blind guy t0 give you y0ur fucking bearings, just shout, really.
DAVE: judging by this highly visible giant ass sign right here that says auxiliary storeroom four
DAVE: i guess you must be right
DAVE: why the fuck did they even make this sign so ostentatious
DAVE: did the huge red letters really need to be that huge
DAVE: seems wasteful somehow
SOLLUX: kiss my thr0bbing bulge, you smug sack 0f shit.
SOLLUX: also g0od j0b shaking off the drugs s0 quickly, i’ve only been awake f0r like a fucking hour.
SOLLUX: 0h my sweet jegus, how have y0u managed to live this l0ng without a brain.
SOLLUX: did y0u think we just both d0zed off happily in a fucking st0rage bay.
SOLLUX: having first locked the d0or s0 we wouldn’t be disturbed.
DAVE: wait fuck were locked in
DAVE: its jack
DAVE: its got to be
DAVE: we need to get the fuck upstairs
SOLLUX: he’s a teleporting g0d assassin you m0ron.
SOLLUX: why w0uld he dope us and l0ck us in a cupboard.
DAVE: no no man its cool you stay there and ponder his motivations and shit
DAVE: while tz and rose get smeared over the fucking furniture
DAVE: im sure theyll be comforted as all hell to know you figured out why theyre dead
DAVE: im just gonna go ahead and break this fucking door down
DAVE: dont mind me
SOLLUX: strider, f0r fuck’s sake.
SOLLUX: do y0u actually have testoster0ne in your ears.
SOLLUX: i already said i w0ke up like an hour ag0.
SOLLUX: if jack’s here and he wants them dead, they’re dead.
SOLLUX: also did it 0ccur to y0ur bulge that you’re n0t the only g0d tier on this stati0n.
SOLLUX: there’s a fucking witch of space three fl0ors up.
SOLLUX: d0 you have the slightest idea h0w much damage it does when a g0d tier witch of space cuts l0ose?
SOLLUX: this wh0le building would be s0 many carbon at0ms.
DAVE: oh thank god
DAVE: so providing jack flew up on a dragon and challenged jade to a duel like in ye olden tymes were golden
DAVE: because you know thats what assassins do
DAVE: specially teleporting ones
DAVE: he probably got a herald with one of those fuckoff trumpets with the flags on to declare his entry to the goddamn lists
DAVE: fuck he probably sent a letter
DAVE: jades all on her charger
DAVE: resplendent in gold
DAVE: pinning kans bra to her visor or whatever
DAVE: and neither party would even dream of just jumping the fuck in and stabbing everyone
DAVE: shit would dishonour their families
DAVE: now stand back this doors going down hard
SOLLUX: dont y0u fucking dare!
SOLLUX: have you even mem0rised the layout 0f this place?
SOLLUX: or were y0u to0 busy jerking off?
DAVE: never mastered the art of jerking off to floor plans gotta be honest here
DAVE: teach me sensei
SOLLUX: st0rero0m four’s an external unit.
SOLLUX: this wall right here is a fucking bulkhead.
SOLLUX: if y0u pull off s0me overenthusiastic g0d tier bullshit and weaken the structure one s0litary fraction, we get sudden massive l0ss of hull pressure.
SOLLUX: i can’t breathe space.
SOLLUX: n0r can tz.
SOLLUX: or kanaya, 0r kk.
SOLLUX: be funny if you g0t so hung up trying t0 save everyone y0u fucking killed them all.
SOLLUX: i’d laugh.
SOLLUX: for like half a sec0nd.
DAVE: wow shut up
DAVE: i found something
DAVE: someones written on one of these crates
SOLLUX: fuck, what’s it say?
DAVE: oh jesus
DAVE: it says
DAVE: pointy bracket colon square bracket
SOLLUX: opening 0r closing bracket?
DAVE: closing obviously
DAVE: opening would be like
DAVE: a sad man in a wizard hat
DAVE: oh fuck i think i just figured out roses emoticon of choice
SOLLUX: eheheh yeah, if y0u turn round tz’s h0rns you get a wizard hat, i never n0ticed that.
DAVE: we got played
SOLLUX: we got played like wigglers.
SOLLUX: this is s0rt of humiliating, i’m n0t going t0 lie.
SOLLUX: what’s in the box.
DAVE: deck of cards
DAVE: chess set
DAVE: knitting needles and purple yarn
DAVE: okay i dont know what the fuck this is
DAVE: looks like a bunch of weird eggs in a net
SOLLUX: that’s beer, you idi0t.
SOLLUX: surely you have beer.
DAVE: yeah but our beer looks like something youd buy in a store and put in the fridge and then drink after a hard day being a badass and it would be delicious
DAVE: not like something that just got shit out by the brood queen
DAVE: oh my god please tell me thats not how you make troll beer
SOLLUX: it’s basically brewed and fermented cereal sugars flav0ured with hops and grub p0wder.
DAVE: man it would be so awesome if your culture had something that wasnt made out of dead babies
DAVE: id love that
SOLLUX: i cannot believe they w0uld actually sto0p this low.
SOLLUX: i kn0w tz is fucking shameless but i thought r0se had some kind 0f rudimentary m0ral compass.
DAVE: so this is what it looks like right
SOLLUX: it’s fucking s0cial engineering.
SOLLUX: it’s despicable.
DAVE: theyre hoping that if they leave us alone together with some beers
DAVE: we might turn into best buds
DAVE: and/or make out
DAVE: oh come on
DAVE: you know theyre both secretly hoping for makeouts
DAVE: theyre girls
DAVE: ill bet you any sum of dead baby dollars that theyre parked in front of a widescreen tv right now with kan and jade
DAVE: breathing all shallow
DAVE: fists clenched round their icecream spoons
DAVE: come to think of it vantas is probably there too
DAVE: john comes by to tell them off
DAVE: gets ‘curious, haha’
DAVE: jade silently hands him a spare ben and jerrys tub and pats the empty cushion
DAVE: never taking her eyes off the screen
SOLLUX: okay can y0u see any cameras, this is important.
DAVE: doesnt mean theyre not there though
DAVE: this is rose and tz
DAVE: lets face it were pretty much fucked
SOLLUX: 0h HELL no.
SOLLUX: let’s get 0ne thing totally clear at this stage.
SOLLUX: strider, if the 0nly things left in my personal universe were y0u and a malfunctioning l0ad gaper, i would make 0ut with the gaper.
DAVE: come on
DAVE: i mean i take your point but thats just nasty
DAVE: also you realise thats the kind of thing people are meant to say in these situations
DAVE: just before they make out like fucking crazy
SOLLUX: fuck, whose side are y0u on??
SOLLUX: n0thing is less erotic t0 me than your pasty human face and y0ur weird fangless mouth.
DAVE: you seemed to be getting on okay with my sisters pasty human face and weird fangless mouth
SOLLUX: y0ur sister is smart and spiky and kind of hilari0us and basically a total f0x.
SOLLUX: you are n0ne of these things.
SOLLUX: y0u are a douche.
DAVE: fair enough
DAVE: im great in bed though jsyk
SOLLUX: sec0nd point: this is n0w a game.
SOLLUX: we have been challenged.
SOLLUX: i do n0t lose games.
DAVE: tz says she used to kick your ass on a regular basis at like troll starcraft or whatever
SOLLUX: th0se were setbacks.
SOLLUX: and she cheated.
SOLLUX: now here is my plan.
SOLLUX: listen carefully, it’s fucking c0mplex.
DAVE: does it involve you frenching a toilet
DAVE: theyll never see it coming
SOLLUX: step one, shut the fuck up.
SOLLUX: step tw0, we divide this net of beers in half.
SOLLUX: i take half and g0 sit over there.
SOLLUX: y0u take half and sit right here.
SOLLUX: step three, we fucking ignore each 0ther completely.
SOLLUX: eventually a c0mputer will break somewhere and they’ll have to let me 0ut.
SOLLUX: what do y0u think.
DAVE: works for me
DAVE: going to get pretty boring though
DAVE: i mean we could be down here for twelve hours easy
SOLLUX: you can have the cards.
SOLLUX: it’s n0t like they’re any fucking go0d to me.
DAVE: what are you gonna do
DAVE: solve sudoku in your head or something
SOLLUX: fuck n0.
SOLLUX: i’m going t0 teach myself to knit.
DAVE: dude yes
DAVE: knit her a fucking hat that would be so epic
DAVE: thats really not a sentence i ever expected to use
SOLLUX: s0 we’re agreed?
DAVE: hell yeah
DAVE: lets show these kooky broads that given a choice between sloppy yaoi makeouts and utter fucking tedium
DAVE: we choose tedium
DAVE: like real men should
SOLLUX: it’s like, hey, sorry i didn’t t0uch your br0ther’s butt, i made y0u this scarf though.
SOLLUX: h0pe you like it.
DAVE: when i get out ill just be like
DAVE: that was so restful
DAVE: thanks for thinking of me babe
DAVE: youre the best
SOLLUX: 0k go0d.
SOLLUX: i’m going 0ver here now.
~~THE FIRST BEER~~
DAVE: this beer tastes like ass
SOLLUX: yeah, s0rry, troll beer is n0tori0usly awful.
SOLLUX: it gets better the more y0u drink though.
SOLLUX: largely because y0ur chemorecept0rs start dying.
* * *
SOLLUX: knitting is surprisingly hard.
DAVE: old ladies do it
DAVE: how bad can it be
SOLLUX: fuck off.
~~THE SECOND BEER~~
DAVE: fuck yes
DAVE: dave wins again
SOLLUX: jegus wept.
~~THE THIRD BEER~~
DAVE: hey captor
DAVE: nah never mind
DAVE: its cool
* * *
SOLLUX: strider, take a lo0k at this.
SOLLUX: does it l0ok like a scarf yet?
DAVE: it looks like a condom
SOLLUX: what’s a c0ndom.
DAVE: oh my god youre dating my sister
* * *
DAVE: so did you and tz ever have
DAVE: a thing
SOLLUX: wh0a, where did THAT come fr0m?
DAVE: just curious i guess
DAVE: i mean i know you guys were tight
DAVE: she says you were the first guy she ever talked to
DAVE: thats kind of special
SOLLUX: well yeah.
SOLLUX: but it was never like that.
SOLLUX: i couldn’t – nah.
SOLLUX: i just d0n’t see her that way.
SOLLUX: it was always me who she p0ured it out t0, you kn0w?
SOLLUX: like when the whole thing with vriska was spiralling 0ut of fucking c0ntrol and every0ne else was just like, jegus, pick a quadrant and stick to it, y0u’re killing us here.
SOLLUX: i had her 0n trollian every day trying to s0rt it out.
SOLLUX: i was like y0u do realise i kn0w fucking nothing ab0ut quadrants.
SOLLUX: she said yeah, but you kn0w about me.
SOLLUX: and then when my shit with aa g0t confusing she really helped me 0ut.
SOLLUX: so yeah.
SOLLUX: y0u can know s0meone t0o well.
SOLLUX: y0u know?
DAVE: but i get the point
DAVE: no fuck it never mind
DAVE: go back to your condom
SOLLUX: well actually i was kind of w0ndering.
SOLLUX: i mean, while we’re taking a break.
DAVE: no we cant make out
DAVE: dammit man dont break on me now
SOLLUX: shut the fuck up, you’re still hide0us.
SOLLUX: what i wanted to say was.
SOLLUX: are y0u okay with me and r0se?
SOLLUX: she explained about the wh0le.
SOLLUX: brother thing.
DAVE: she did
SOLLUX: i still d0n’t fully get it, to be h0nest.
SOLLUX: but the point seems t0 be that you’re massively fucking invested in her wellbeing.
SOLLUX: like, m0irail plus, or s0mething.
SOLLUX: and i’m an alien.
SOLLUX: and it doesn’t take a genius t0 figure out y0u might have issues with that.
SOLLUX: and i’m a fucking genius.
DAVE: aw shit
DAVE: this is
DAVE: sollux look
DAVE: i got no fucking right to pronounce to you on this
DAVE: theres shit ive got to tell you dude
DAVE: back when rose and i went god tier
DAVE: you know
DAVE: all that horseshit with the tumor and the green sun and whatever
DAVE: stuff got kind of
DAVE: i mean i actually thought we were going to fucking die
DAVE: i tried to stop shit in its tracks but all i did was slow it down
DAVE: id kind of dropped the ball on really sorting out my powers and i didnt know what the fuck i was doing
DAVE: so there we were stuck in the centre of the worlds slowest-ass explosion
DAVE: and i was like dang
DAVE: end of the goddamn line
DAVE: good work strider you piece of shit
DAVE: now you get to die in slo-mo
DAVE: maybe if you hadnt just fucking horsed around all the goddamn time with nakkodiles and hoovering up boonbucks youd have achieved basic fucking competence and you could have saved your fucking sister who remains basically the best thing that ever happened to your useless ass
DAVE: and i kind of looked at her like
DAVE: you know
DAVE: only she was looking back at me and i swear to god she had the exact same fucking expression
DAVE: she looked like i felt
DAVE: and everything was going green and white
DAVE: just so fucking slow
SOLLUX: y0u made out, yeah, she said.
SOLLUX: is this g0ing somewhere?
DAVE: it was kind of meant to be going there
DAVE: now its just going to kind of turn round and slink off home again looking abashed
SOLLUX: 0h my god.
SOLLUX: this is y0ur weird human one quadrant thing again, isn’t it.
SOLLUX: r0se told me y0u’d freak out ab0ut this.
SOLLUX: you’re her m0irail, you fucking idi0t.
DAVE: yeah but i thought moirails were for like
DAVE: ensuring continued and healthy cooperation between the shit and the handle
DAVE: no tongues involved
SOLLUX: well i mean, it varies.
SOLLUX: some m0irails kiss.
SOLLUX: some get naked a l0t.
SOLLUX: some just curl up in the pile and jam until every0ne in the vicinity flees screaming and retching.
SOLLUX: it’s kind of up t0 the two 0f you i guess, whatever w0rks for y0u.
SOLLUX: just so l0ng as you’re keeping y0urselves bonded and each 0ther happy and sane.
DAVE: fucking hell
DAVE: i need another beer
~~THE FOURTH BEER~~
DAVE: but i dunno
DAVE: it gets fucking confusing sometimes
DAVE: shes always like
DAVE: H4 H4 1 4M 4 S3XY 3N1GM4
DAVE: and im like
DAVE: well great
DAVE: should i just wait here
SOLLUX: fuck, yeah, i hear y0u.
SOLLUX: tz’s never been great at the whole 0pening up thing.
SOLLUX: but you d0n’t need to w0rry.
DAVE: you reckon
SOLLUX: no, shit, n0 way.
SOLLUX: she really likes you, man.
SOLLUX: y0u’ve just got t0 let her work her way r0und.
SOLLUX: she’s had some bad times with the wh0le quadrant game.
DAVE: yeah i know
DAVE: thats why im trying to be careful
DAVE: not get heavy on her
DAVE: you know
DAVE: keep it kind of cool and like she can back out if she wants
DAVE: cause you know i really dont fucking want to tie her down
DAVE: but then i worry itll come over like i dont like her
DAVE: and you know
SOLLUX: no, it’s fucking tricky, n0 question.
SOLLUX: i think she kn0ws you’re n0t going anywhere.
SOLLUX: y0u know?
DAVE: its cool
DAVE: and for what its worth dude i reckon rose is pretty fucking hung up on you too
DAVE: its just the whole seer package
DAVE: not big on
DAVE: you know
DAVE: hearts and flowers
SOLLUX: i always w0rry i’m going t0, you kn0w.
SOLLUX: fuck up someh0w.
SOLLUX: and she’ll realise i am, in fact, a complete piece 0f shit.
SOLLUX: because she’s all fucking class and i just have no idea why she wastes her time 0n me.
DAVE: no no come on
DAVE: youre a solid guy
DAVE: i mean okay youre a scrawny obnoxious nerd and youre made out of like pipe cleaners or whatever
DAVE: but rose thinks youre the king of rainbow town
DAVE: round you she just gets this fucking look
DAVE: and when i say look obviously i mean like one tiny muscle in her jaw tightens very slightly
DAVE: which from her is pretty much tearing all her clothes off and tackling you onto a couch
SOLLUX: lo0k at us.
SOLLUX: flushed for seers: the m0vie.
DAVE: jesus we are absolutely pathetic
DAVE: girls like that right
* * *
DAVE: but the whole seer thing
SOLLUX: i know.
DAVE: its just
SOLLUX: yeah, exactly!
DAVE: you know
SOLLUX: the whole j0b description is
SOLLUX: ‘kn0w everything’.
SOLLUX: which means
DAVE: if you know everything
DAVE: what do you need a fucking knight for
DAVE: or a mage for that matter
SOLLUX: but i think that’s kind of the p0int, maybe.
SOLLUX: knight and mage.
SOLLUX: we’re the damage classes.
SOLLUX: no g0od being a tactician if y0u’ve got n0 dps.
SOLLUX: we were always going t0 be weapons.
SOLLUX: but n0w we’re their weapons.
SOLLUX: and i think i’m 0k with that.
DAVE: fuck yeah
DAVE: fight for em
DAVE: die for em
DAVE: ill fucking drink to that
DAVE: to seers
SOLLUX: and their soldiers.
~~THE FIFTH BEER~~
DAVE: okay so
DAVE: three of clubs
DAVE: i can move three
SOLLUX: but you have t0 end on black, remember.
DAVE: yeah i know
DAVE: okay try this
DAVE: e2 to e7
DAVE: imma take a shot at your bishop
DAVE: range three
DAVE: king doubles it
DAVE: play a card dude
SOLLUX: oh shit, hang 0n.
SOLLUX: i’ll discard and draw two.
SOLLUX: 0k, bring it.
SOLLUX: i thought y0u’d go high.
DAVE: well you blocked the shot
SOLLUX: yeah but i wasted my fucking nine.
SOLLUX: that was incredibly dumb.
DAVE: we should have like damage types
DAVE: you know
DAVE: heart beats spade
SOLLUX: oh shit yeah, that w0uld be awesome if we c0uld factor in the values s0mehow.
SOLLUX: hang 0n, let me think.
~~THE SIXTH BEER~~
SOLLUX: six of hearts.
SOLLUX: fuck y0o0o0ou.
DAVE: oh no oh snap
DAVE: you did not
DAVE: also dude thats a diamond
SOLLUX: these stupid fucking raised edges d0n’t work at all.
SOLLUX: d4 t0 f7, prot0n cannon.
DAVE: you dont have a proton cannon
SOLLUX: i just built 0ne.
SOLLUX: sucks to be y0u.
SOLLUX: pew pew.
DAVE: jesus christ
DAVE: evacuate the fucking ship
DAVE: ensign where the fuck did that proton burst come from
DAVE: i dont know sir
DAVE: some asshole must have just built a fucking ground to air proton cannon out of two playing cards and a knitting needle
DAVE: but thats impossible man
DAVE: yes i fucking know sir
DAVE: tell him that
SOLLUX: fear my knitting cannon, puny m0rtals.
SOLLUX: your shields are as n0thing.
DAVE: serving as your commander on board the uss beer egg has been my greatest honour
DAVE: this will be my final order
DAVE: you are to take the helm
DAVE: and fly this ship right into his stupid face
SOLLUX: eheheheheheheh you can’t even thr0w you dipshit.
DAVE: hahahaha jesus that was incredible
DAVE: i literally missed you by like a metre
DAVE: oh hey ladies
SOLLUX: 0h shit, senior 0fficers on deck, everyb0dy on y0ur fee – who0ps
DAVE: please excuse lieutenant captor hes still getting his space legs
DAVE: also he sucks
SOLLUX: fuck y0u, this flo0r is actually incredibly comfy.
DAVE: id offer you guys a beer but i think we ran out
* * *
~~THE NEXT DAY~~
ROSE: I honestly can’t tell whether we failed, or succeeded beyond our wildest imaginings.
TEREZI: NOR C4N 1!
TEREZI: 1TS V3RY 4GGR4V4T1NG >:[
TEREZI: OH, BY TH3 W4Y, 1 L1K3 YOUR SC4RF