We had been back to New York for a few days, it had been sad to leave Georgia but really nice to be back in a place I was growing a new-found love for. I had gotten very lucky in connecting with a spa that was willing to have me part time. It meant that I didn’t really have any regular customers, but I had a solid base of work. Norman had a few days of down time which he spent visiting with friends, working on a few things for his production company and most importantly, spending time with his son. It was always interesting to see how he shifted from his casual, secluded life in Georgia to his more familiar existence here in the busiest city I had ever known.
I unpacked as he settled in and we quickly got into our routine of our ‘winter home’. New York was alive with crisp fall air and the cusp of holidays creeping into every storefront and apartment around us. We weren’t going to be home for Christmas, not really anyways, Norman was going to Japan on Christmas Day, but that is a story for another time.
Today I want to tell you something a little bit different. I had known Norm for almost a year before I knew what he kept in that back pack of his. The master magician when it came to packing, I was always jealous of how he could fit so much in such a small space. But what I didn’t know was that there was in there was a notebook in that backpack. A place where he jotted down things at the end of the day. No, not a journal – that wouldn’t be right. He doesn’t keep a log of his day to day, it more random than that. Doodles as his brain unwinds in a hotel room or thoughts he had about short films he might be inspired to make someday. The occasional review of some off beat restaurant that had impressed him or even notes about his character he wanted to bring up to the writers if it felt right.
When the book is full he pulls out the pages worth keeping and files them in a box in here in New York, the rest he burns in the fire pit on the patio. Always the minimalist. It was the second or third night back from Georgia when he pulled out the notebook and the box from the closet and sat at the island in the kitchen. I was making dinner as he flipped through the pages, pulling out a few but mostly leaving the pages in place in their spiral binding for burning later. We talked about some of the restaurant notes he had made, recalling dinners we had shared and a few he had done without me. He showed me sketches he had done before he flipped the page, just doodles of funny things, often involving boobs. I couldn’t tell for sure but from the tearing it sounded as if he only kept four or five pages from this collection of writing.
“Do you have a new notebook?” I was cutting up squash to put in the boiling water.
Norman rummaged through the box, “No. I’ll grab one this week.” He skimmed over past note pages and even pulled a few out and crumpled them, they weren’t relevant to him anymore. He brought the book out to the patio then came back in and set the table and went into the living room to make a few phone calls while I finished putting dinner together.
I watched him from across the room, I didn’t know who he was talking to but he was full of nervous energy. He was fussing at the wall full of black framed photos, mostly stuff he had taken and a few I had added to the collection. He sorted through mail on the table in the corner and he lit a cigarette as he paced the room laughing and talking. He caught me watching him, his blue eyes glimmering as smiled at me and crooked a finger summoning me to him. I put the spoon across the top of the pot and walked over to him.
He looked amazing, after all this time, I never seemed to stop being caught off guard by his rugged good looks. He was wearing his blue button up sweater that wrapped around him, jeans and socks. No sunglasses, no hat or boots, his wispy hair was a bit disheveled, which only served to make him look even sexier.
“Hey, hang on.” He looked down at his phone and hit the mute button when I got to him.
I stood in his personal space looking up at his angled face as he put the phone down on the table and cradled my face with his hand. “You look so domestic in that kitchen.” His voice was low, like he was telling me a secret. I smiled as he went on speaking, “Thank you.” Norman kissed me, deep and passionately he pulled me close and consumed me, owning my mouth and my heart with his kiss. I wrapped my arms around him, sliding under his shirt so I could feel his warm flesh against me.
“For what?” I didn’t know what he was thanking me for.
His lips lingered against mine as he hesitated in speaking for a moment, “For being in my life.” He cradled my hair, careful not to catch me with his cigarette. Norman was often sweet, always caring but seldom sentimental. It left me speechless.
He kissed me again then let go of me, “I gotta finish this.” He held up his phone reminding me that he was on a business call. I nodded and held his hand for a moment before I went back to making dinner.
How do you respond to something like that; it brought a tear to my eye and tugged at my heart. I was the grateful one. He had changed my life in so many way, I never knew how to thank him for everything he did for me.
We sat down to dinner and talked about nothing and everything, work for me, his family, mine and everything else that came to mind as we ate, cleaned up, washed dishes, lazed on the sofa then finally went to bed. We made love that night, slow and passionate. His normally hungry nature was slowed tonight. I wasn’t sure if it was being back in the familiar of New York or something else, but it was good. We connected in a way we hadn’t in a long time. It always made him feel bad when I cried during sex, but it only happened because I was so happy. He made me feel so special and treasured that the emotions flowed from my through tears.
As our hands gripped together, him on top of me as he slowly rocked into me, my mouth made contact with his shoulder and I began to cry as he told me he loved me, claimed me as his and professed how he belonged to me as well. I held him close as I told him how I wanted to be his forever and couldn’t imagine my life without him. It had been sweet and special and the shower we shared after was much more light hearted, which was good. The emotions were welling up in me. We finally fell asleep somewhere after two or three in the morning, after talking about ideas we had for our shared future and how I wanted to grow old with him.
He kissed me when he left to meet up with his son and take him to school. From there Norman had a meeting in mid-town that would suck up the better part of his day. I got up and meandered down the stairs petting Eye as I went and looking at the wall of photos that was beginning to look like a gallery of our life together.
Norman had pulled out the toaster and left it on the counter for me along with my cup for tea. It was something a fan had given him, it was a pic of his character and the words, “Sexiest Redneck Ever.” I had fallen in love with the mug so he made sure it came back to New York with us. I brought my tea and toast to the sofa to turn on the morning news when I saw a manila folder on the table and a note on top of it.
Holly – I need to share some pages with you.
The X is Andy.
His handwriting was slowed, not his usual hurried writing, and I couldn’t remember the last time he had signed his name to any note he had left me. It was usually a few x’s and o’s. I put my breakfast on the table and sat on the sofa staring at the folder. I have to admit, I was terrified for a moment, I had no idea what was inside the tattered folder that was covered in pen marks and had some doodles on the corner.
My heart raced and my hands shook and I realized how silly it all was, last night had been too intense for break-up sex. I knew my trepidation came from his reference to Andy in his note. It had been a few weeks since the four of us had been together, the coupling off had been good for the Lincolns’, fine with Norman but off putting on some level for me. When we all came back together that night it had been great. At least I thought it was great. There was something magical in watching Norman with Andy, the way the connected and the sensual nature of it all, it was memorizing and scary all at the same time.
Something always nagged in my brain, would Norman leave me if given the chance with Andy. I knew he loved me, there was no doubt about that, but Andy seemed to complete him in a way that I couldn’t. Really, that was obvious. I looked down at the folder and reread the note on top. I had no idea what was to come when I opened that folder and I knew what ever was in there, could not be unseen. I picked it up, sat back on the sofa, took a deep breath and opened the cover.
There was pages of notes. All torn out of Norman’s notebooks, dog eared, crinkled and all scrawled in his handwriting. Some pages were full sized some were torn in half or smaller, but they were all there waiting to be read.
Slept with her – shit never saw that comin’
It was written on a torn piece of paper and he had drawn a stick figure to go with it, long curly hair and big boobs. I had to assume it was me.
If I fuck this up gonna loose the best massage I ever got
I peeled each piece of paper and laid it carefully aside, more nervous about what I might be revealing on the next page.
1 crazy fuckin trip. And that shit with him, insane. Glad it happened but damn, yeah.
Mile high – best ever!
Norman was vague, and I can’t say that I blamed him, if his bag ever got stolen, if someone got their hands on his note book. The show related notes alone made him nervous. I was pretty sure he was talking about our first encounter together with Sean. It felt like a life time ago.
Around the boarder of the next page was another stick figure with boobs, my hair wild and out of control this time. And a second stick figure with smaller boobs and straight hair, that one crossed out. We weren’t exclusive when it all started and he finally made the choice to be monogamous with me after I had a bit of a nervous breakdown. That would explain my hair in this drawing. It took a while for me to figure out the last picture but it was a vibrator in pieces. I had told him that I had been so frustrated I broke my vibrator, the memory of that made me laugh but it started a domino effect of emotions for both of us.
You scared the shit out of me – I was so fucked for the rest of the shoot I didn’t know what I was doing. Christ H I want to be with you and you keep pushing me away. What the fuck!!!!!!!!!!! Just let me love you.
In between he doodled an airplane.
Not leaving that hotel room till we get this shit straightened out!
On the back of that page he wrote,
Woman I don’t get you but your stuck with me
I flipped a few more pages reading each line, word for word. More than once, as he wrote sometimes to me, more often just about me.
Last nights video chat = insanely hot!! Love pushin you into shit that makes you uncomfortable.
Never thought youd touch yourself for me outside. All alone out there – your face looking for people watching you….
But only I saw the way you fingered yourself – way you came. Gonna make me cum again just thinkin about it.
Shit woman I want it all, wanna do you everyway – do crazy shit to you AND with you!!
I laughed, he had been in New York, I was in Georgia when that happened. I had been in a park when he called to talk in the middle of the day. He begged me to find a quiet spot, he wanted me to flash him while he jerked off, it had all gotten more involved than that. He drew a squiggly line and in a different color pen he continued.
20 hours till H gets here. Jerked off so many times prbly wont be able to have sex when she gets her. Yeah right.
Paul thinks she hot too – maybe I should let him watch sometime. But for real H cant wait 2 see you – been too long.
On a small scrap of paper in tiny writing he said a lot.
You need to stop letting me get like that.
It scares me
The next page was full of random notes written in a variety of pens and at different angles. I don’t know what order they went into but they all seemed relevant.
X XXX X the fuck???
Tired of flying
H HHH H X H X HHHHHHHH!!!!!
1st classs sux after 20 hours!
Kiss. Cant do this. Need this. H I need you. ??X?? IneedU2 FUCK
Mine MINEMINEMINEMINE Mine X fuk!
My stomach was in knots when I read this. This was all about that trip to Japan. The one where Norman and Andy had connected for the first time. Two friends that began to push their relationship. He had been conflicted when he came home, the entire situation was a roller coaster for him, one he didn’t want to ride. He had gotten so used to stuffing down his bisexual needs that the chance for it to surface had scared him. We had talked and made love over the whole thing the weekend he came home, the weekend he ended up being with Andy for the first time. I knew how hard it was for him and he worried that it would ruin us.
This next one wasn’t on notebook paper but one of those pads you got in a hotel room. The Four Seasons to be exact.
X is gone. Intense shit, crazy. I need that, gonna need it again. H- sorry I put you through this.
I want to apologize and thank you all at the same time. If your gone when I get home I wnt be surprised – just sad.
This could end my job – friendship and my girl. Wont shock me if I lose it all for one day of selfish needed fucking.
X. X. X. My head hurts. Asshurts. HA. Network wont let their badboy do this shit. Fuck up Xs happy home.
Id say it was a 1 time thing ifit didn’t happen 2x! HA AHHA.
How can this not make you mad?? Unfaithful Unshared and you didn’t bust in screaming and yelling and kicking me out.
This is beyond the fun shit weve done together. Bottom. Who would have thought it HAHAHA?? H, I love you.
I am yours completely but I have needed this too long. Im sorry Im sorry
Just gonna sit in this shitty lot and breathe.
The entire page broke my heart. The fears he had sitting alone in that lot with all the noise in his head. He worried about losing his job, what if his fans learned he wasn’t the macho leading man the Network wanted him to be. His fear of screwing up his friendship with Andy, as if what they are shared hadn’t brought them closer together. And though in hind-sight I can see his marriage was never in jeopardy, I understand why Norman was concerned. My heart ached over his fear of losing me when I understood how much he had needed to be with Andy. There had been this piece of him that hadn’t felt complete till he had come home from Japan. Though they had only kissed when they were there, I knew that his connection with that man that fill a part of Norman that nothing else could. The sex had been the physical that complemented the emotional.
Honestly, I sat for a while rereading that page with tears in my eyes. I wanted to wrap myself around Norman and whisper in his ear that everything would be just fine. That I would never leave him. That I was his, that the word MINE, tattooed onto my flesh, meant that I belonged to him for a life time and that I had before the needle ever touched my skin.
Eye curled near me, not touching, but in that distant yet comforting way that he had about him. Don’t be confused by Norman’s next page, it was an encounter I hadn’t told you about, but one that he wrote about with such excitement I had to share it with you. That is the difference between men and woman.
Fuck that was hot. I must have watched you sleeping for an hour before I came out to the kitchen.
Whisky, smoke and the taste of your pussy in my mouth – I could die happy!
Don’t know which part was the best – tying you up – fucking your mouth – cummin on your face or lickin it off you HA.
For a country girl you can be really dirty.
Your gonna be pissed for not showering that shit gonna harden in your hair.
Love pullin your hair – callin you whore – slappin you. Took a while to get into it -
shit Id get a beat down if my mom knew what I did to you – but you kept pushin – pushed ME for a change.
That first smack was harder than I expected but you smiled.
Where did this even come from – wanting to be treated this way.
Were getting good at public and sharing – but this was something else.
Maybe you just wanted to mix it up – that you did. Fuck you from behind spank your ass – call you dirty names.
Did I slip into it too easily? Shit I hope it was all for fun cause you wanted different.
Not cause you thought you needed to be punished for something. Made me uncomfortable – not the sex, that was so good.
But you are mine. Mine princess to protect. Not my whore to slap around. MINE - MY INSPIRATION NEVER ENDING.
Going back to bed to watch you sleep, feel you next to me – sleep with you in my arms.
That night had been crazy. I can’t explain what had come over me, a picture of him on line looking like a wolf and some girls on social media saying that they’d love to be debased by Norman. I had laughed when I had read it, it wasn’t his style, not even when he was out of control. But the thought lingered with me. I almost felt guilty living out their fantasies.
My tea was cold by now, I had read so many notes that he had written, so many thoughts that he had penned down, tucked away in a folder and held onto for years. I didn’t know these pages had even existed. There were still more, he had left me a file to read all morning. Deciphering his handwriting in some parts, enjoying the doodles on other pages. It made me laugh and cry.
Love watching you with woman. Damn its hot. You seem so natural at it -
like licking pussy is something you do whenever Im out of town. H – you know id be ok with that.
You and M going at. Just incase you ever read this. You having sex with other women without me = HOT AS FUCK!
X had told me ages ago that they swapped before. We talked about that in his trailer one day.
That was way before Japan. I didn’t think it would happen for all of us.
Cant get it out of my head. Both of you watching us. Its crazy but it feels right to have you there.
Call me selfish but I hate being the only one in the group who hasn’t banged her. Im gonna wanna do her if I can someday.
Don’t be mad. Miss you H – just FT’d with you and I miss you already.
I know these duel addresses work for us but I hate when we are apart.
Don’t be mad H – there is just so much hot young pussy being offered. Room keys and notes – phone numbers – naked pictures.
Id never go there with any of them but shit this makes me horny and want to fuck you even more. Another day of it.
Tell you – I like the guys coming to my table better then the girls sometimes.
Only like 5 guys offer me cock compared to 5000 pussies.
Its best X doest come to these conventions. Im weak.
We had Facetimed that night. I don’t remember which convention he was at but he had mentioned that he had gotten a slew of rooms keys, to the point where he couldn’t figure out straight away which was one his. He had joked about offering them up to cast mates and male fans. I didn’t worry about him taking up these offers. Not that he hadn’t had his share of one night stands over the years but honestly, Norman valued quiet and sleep and I joked that he was getting old. Sometimes being too tired to have sex with me but I didn’t mind. Our sex drive is mostly on the same track, we are insatiable for each other but sometimes our bodies are simply too tired to give in.
Sexiest. Massage. Ever.
Have I mentioned how much I love when you initiate new things.
The last page was written on plain white paper. Not random notes in his book, shoved into his back pack.
Thank you. You have given me so much over these years. Happiness, laughter, adventure, good scares and moments of bliss.
Know that I want to spend forever with you – leaning about you, tempting you, loving you.
- Norman xoxo