This is awesome. Like Christmas, his birthday and the North American International Auto Show all rolled into one epic win. Tony stands before his three way mirror and runs his hands over his glorious tits. They’re at least a C-cup. He’s going to need a bra.
Tony explores his new curves; his hips are slightly wider and his ass is not bootylicious enough for him. Tony tilts his head and thinks he has excellent bone structure and that his short pixie cut actually works. He looks like a smoking hot doily dyke. Eat your heart out Portia DeGeneres.
Just Dance (It’s Gonna Be Okay)
They all wake up sex-swapped in the morning. Tony discovers the change when Clint runs into Steve and his room screaming bloody murder and raving about “my johnston, my johnston, something happened to my johnston!”
Thirty minutes later they all pile into the kitchen. T’Challa and Thor act nonplussed. Tony suspects they're too proud (or maybe too regal) to let something as insignificant as sexual appearance affect their masculinity. Hank’s giddy. He keeps pawing at Jan as he rambles about “science” and “fascinating implications” and “running tests!” Steve’s surprisingly quiet as he stands in the corner.
“How happen?” asks the green Amazon goddess that Hulk morphed into. He is so hot. Tony thinks Bruce should stay that way. They need more girls on the team.
“No idea,” Tony says with a wicked grin. “But I know what it means.”
They all stare at him. Tony says, “I get to fulfill my lifelong fantasy of having lesbian sex.”
Steve’s not as excited about hot girl-on-girl action as Tony. Tony will change his mind.
“I look ridiculous,” Steve says. They’re back in their bedroom. Tony locks the door and leans against it, taking in all of Steve’s new form. Steve still wears his regular clothes which don’t fit his new body. It’s super sexy, like a girlfriend wearing her boyfriend’s clothes.
Tony attacks him, using Steve’s lack of body mass and weight to push Steve onto the bed. Steve flops onto their bed and scrambles to sit up with his elbows. “You look divine.” Tony straddles Steve and kisses his breasts, his perfect, plump breasts. So perfect that Joan from Mad Man would weep. “Ingrid Bergman would die of shame at the sight of you.”
Tony sucks at Steve’s nipples and then drags his tongue up Steve’s neck. “Tony,” Steve catches his breath. “Wait.”
“Let me think about that.” Tony slams his mouth against Steve’s. “Naah...”
Steve groans. He flips Tony and pins him to the bed. “I said wait.”
“We have no idea how long this will last.” Tony bats his eyelashes and beams. “We need to take advantage of this opportunity. Now, are you going to make me experience the mythic multiple orgasm alone or we going to try it together?”
Tony’s never been so happy in his life: Steve has fully embraced Tony’s lesbian fantasies.
Hank keeps banging on the door, raving about “tests” and “needing to document your observations” and --
“FUCK OFF, HANK.” Tony groans into his pillow. Steve just chuckles. Tony turns to Steve, “Speaking of fucking?”
Tony closes Saks Fifth Avenue for his shopping expedition. Jan’s lucky enough that she can fit into Tony’s wardrobe, so she’s mostly here to supervise (and maybe pick up a few new items).
“I feel pretty, oh so pretty. I feel pretty and witty and gaaaay,” Tony sing-songs as he enters the store with the rest of the Avengers.
Jessica, their personal shopper, and her team, Victoria and Melinda, eagerly await their arrival.
Steve’s downright pissed. “Why are we spending all this money? We don’t know how long we’re gonna stay like this. It’s just excessive, Tony. Can’t we at least go to Loehmann’s?”
Tony pivots and gawks at Steve. “I’m going to pretend I didn’t hear that.”
“I’m not buying anything.”
“Think of this as a rite of passage or some gender stereotype that we’re indulging. We’re women. Obviously, we need to go shopping, even if it’s only for a day.”
Steve looks to Jan for some support. She just laughs and throws up her hands in mock surrender. “The Hell I’m picking a side.”
Steve says, “No.”
“Steve, after this is all over we’ll donate all the clothes to some Women’s Shelters – okay? – if it’s only 24 hours than I’ll write off the purchase as a non-profit charity donation. Everything works out.”
After that it’s an endless fashion show as Jessica leads them from department to department, from designer to designer. No surprise: it’s hard finding chic clothes in Hulk, Steve and Thor’s sizes. Those three spend most of their time watching and making off-handed remarks as Clint, Hank and T’Challa try on garment after garment.
“What if Hydra attacks?” Steve says after about two hours.
“Here’s hoping Hydra attacks,” Clint says. He stands before them and shows off a black pine-strip suit.
Tony walks out of the dressing room in a DVF dress. “Reed’s team’s on it. Clint, you should try on a dress.”
“I’m not wearing a dress.”
“Don’t know why not?” Tony shrugs. “Kind of like to show a bit of leg.”
Clint asks, “Why are you so damn excited?”
“The research shows that the Y chromosome is dying out and that females actually carry the superior gene. Don’t believe me?” Tony says when Clint looks horrified. “Ask Hank.”
Clint, and the others, look toward Hank, who loudly types on his Mini Book. “Uh, well, the research is out of --”
Tony cuts him off. “See. So as an inventor and engineer, who prides himself on state of the art tech, why shouldn’t I enjoy the upgrade?”
Clint blinks. “Seriously?”
"Dude, you wear purple leather. Your argument is invalid." Tony puts up his hand. “I have three priorities in life.” Tony puts up his finger, “One, Iron Man,” Tony puts up another finger, “Two, Steve,” and “Three, Stark Industries. I can still do all of those things in this body; and now, I have an excuse to wear skirts, which means I can now easily fuck Steve in my office without making a mess. And I have breasts. Why should this bother me?”
Tony knocks on the bathroom door. “Hey Jan, need any help?”
“I can pee on my own,” Jan snaps in a voice that’s much deeper than normal, but it’s the same tone. “Thank YOU.”
“Don’t forget to wash your hands." Tony starts to leave; only the pivots. "Oh and don't get caught --"
Carol Danvers stops by the Mansion to laugh at them.
Jan walks into the kitchen covered in band-aids. T’Challa and Clint try not to comment. Jan says, in a huff, “Hank taught me how to shave.”
Clint and Steve change back. Clint spends about an hour in the bathroom before he returns in a smashingly good mood.
Steve smiles more after the reversal.
Tony catches Steve staring at himself, in full uniform, in the mirror.
“Was it really that bad?” Tony saunters toward Steve. Steve fidgets, which oozes adorableness, 'cause Captain America’s all nerves. He just says, “It’ll sound silly.”
“It wasn’t until Project Rebirth that, uh, I felt comfortable in my own skin.”
Tony nods. He stands behind Steve and wraps his arms around Steve’s waste. Steve says, “It’s just nice to be back in my body.”
“I have missed this body.”
“What about the lesbian sex?”
Tony laughs. “Nice work while you get it. But I think I’ll survive without it. I’ve really missed your cock.”
Steve just shakes his head with a laugh. “Oh, Tony.”
“Let me show you how much I’ve missed it.” Tony turns Steve around. He falls to his knees. “Oh. And keep on the cowl.”
Steve closes his eyes and doesn’t look at Tony.
After the celebratory oral, Tony becomes persona non grata with Steve. Tony tries to make out with him, but Steve indulges only enough to excite Tony. Steve barely gets hard. He kisses Tony good night, rolls over, and goes to bed.
“You’ve been avoiding me.” Tony finds Steve, after way too long, in the rec room punching the living daylights out of a poor defenseless leather bag. “Don’t like the shoes?”
Tony shows off his new pair of Jimmy Choo pumps. They make him taller and show off a helluva lotta leg. Course, that’s also because he wears a golden mini Michael Kors dress.
Steve does not stop punching as he questions, “How can you walk in those?”
Tony shrugs. “Janet says it’s an art form. Want to go to dinner tonight?”
“Let me rephrase: you’re taking me to dinner tonight.”
They stare at each other for what seems like an eternity. Tony puts his hands on his hips. Steve lets his shoulders drop. He can’t look at Tony as he says, “Tony, I’m gay.”
“That means I like men.”
Tony crosses the mat until he’s nose-to-nose with Steve. “I am a man.”
“I know, I know, but...”
“But nothing. Hank doesn’t know why you and Clint changed back. More importantly, he doesn’t know when I will.” Tony grabs Steve’s chin and forces Steve to look at him. “I’d love you even if you grew a tail or sprouted wings or turned into a monster. You’re not breaking up with me because I have a vagina. Got it?”
Steve leans in to kiss Tony on the forehead. It’s tentative and sweet. “Pick you up at eight?”
“Oh, and Tony,” Steve says, “I’m an old fashion gentlemen. I don’t put out on the first date.”
Tony runs off to tell Jan. Hours later they’re gossiping and getting ready.
“Tell me,” Tony snaps as he grabs Jan’s wrist. “Don’t do it for me.”
Jan tugs away. “You asked for my help.” They sit side by side in front of the vanity in Jan’s bedroom. Tony’s still in his bathrobe.
“Yes. Help me do it myself.”
“It’ll be faster if I apply it.”
“You won’t be with me 24/7, Jan, to play my personal make-up artist.”
“You don’t have to wear make-up 24/7 just because you’re now a woman.”
Tony glares at himself in the mirror. He tries smiling at Jan. “I washed and moisturized. Now what?”
Jan just rolls her eyes. She picks up the sponge and a bottle of liquid foundation. Handing them to Tony, she stresses that less is more and he just needs a few dabs with the sponge. Tony follows Jan’s instructions to a tee; he applies a bit to his forehead, his nose, his cheeks and chin.
“Now.” Jan gives him a clean, large brush. “Blend in it.”
“Why can’t I use my fingers?”
“One, your skin has oils, and two, a brush will create an even blend.”
“Right. Then I apply concealer?”
“You have flawless skin, Tony, you don’t need concealer.”
“I have bags under my eyes.”
“You wouldn’t have if you didn’t stay up for three days straight.”
Tony raises his eyebrow. They both know that will never happen. Sighing, Jan hands him the concealer, which he applies just like the foundation.
From there, it’s pretty much apply and repeat as they bitch about eye shadow color (Tony wants red, Jan wants brown, they agree on gold) to eyeliner and mascara. Tony thinks he cleans up well as he puts on his bright red lipstick.
When eight o’clock rolls around, Tony descends the stairs wearing a red chiffon mini dress without a back and in a pair of golden gladiator flats that lace up his calf. His lipstick, compact, cell phone, wallet and condoms all fit perfectly in his golden clutch.
Steve falls over speechless.
Hank looks up from his microscope as Tony enters the lab for his daily check in. Hank says, “Did you know what Clint and Hulk are sleeping together?”
“Old news.” Tony dismisses it with a hand wave.
“YOU ARE AVENGERS.” Jan screams, “YOU TAKE TWO MIDOL AND YOU SUIT UP. YOU DON’T ABANDON YOUR TEAMMATES BECAUSE YOUR TUMMY HURTS.”
Tony looks up from the couch to see Jan glaring at him with her arms crossed. He wishes he has the strength to tell Jan that he doesn’t have the strength, and that he can’t move because his cramps make it impossible to move.
“You’ve worked through your pain before.” Now Steve arrives on the scene, fresh from the battle with MODOK, with Carol, who’s been filling in for the “sick” Avengers.
“Not like this!”
Carol rolls her eyes. “You’re such a pussy.”
“Yup,” Tony says. “And I like it. Now go yell at Hank. He’s not even cramping. He just used it as an excuse not to leave his lab.”
Walking down the hallway, Tony hears Thor lamenting in the bathroom. "Odin, when will it cease? I intend to die in glorious battle not by hemorrhaging from my lady parts.”
"Thor, I'm sorry.” Tony stops when he hears Jan’s voice. “These are the super maxi size tampons. They're supposed to last for at least seven hours. You're just... going to have to change it more often."
"I have spoiled my undergarments."
"Maybe you should try pads."
T’Challa changes back.
Tony catches Steve staring at T’Challa’s ass during their training session. The king’s lucky Tony’s not wearing his repulsor gloves. He knows Steve and T’Challa share a mutual admiration and respect. They like working solo missions. T’Challa -- when he does chit-chat -- only does so with Steve. Tony trusts Steve completely.
Tony finds a way to send T’Challa on a special assignment to Siberia.
Thor changes back after breakfast. Now only Hulk, Hank, Jan and Tony remain in their altered states. When Hank inquires what or how or why the change occurs, Thor replies, “It was time.”
No wonder so many women are quote-unquote man hating lesbians, Tony thinks, as he slides his vibrator into his vagina. Who needs a man that won’t put out when you have all these wonderful toys? He rests his back against one panel of his three panel mirror in the bedroom. He likes watching himself, well, fucking himself. So surreal. Nothing quite like it.
Tony pants. He twists his nipple with his free fingers and smalls the vibrator harder inside him. Yet, yet, yet, Tony thinks, he also understands why some women just don’t feel complete without some man. “Steve.” The name slips out. “Steve, Steve....”
Steve stands with one foot in the hall and one foot in the bedroom. His mouth gapes open. “What are you doing?”
“What you won’t.”
Tony’s halfway through his 10AM meeting with the Japanese Investors – who Tony almost tells to go fuck themselves when they ask to speak with his male Boss – when he receives The Tweet:
@dailybugle Cap spotted at Victoria’s Secret shopping! Looks like Tony Stark’s getting lucky tonight! 2 minutes ago via Mobile
Within ten minutes pictures are uploaded via phone. Within thirty minutes it trends at number #1 with thousands of re-tweets.
No one will look him in the eye for the rest of the day.
When he arrives home at the Avengers Mansion, Steve says nothing. Not even a peep about the invasion of privacy. He just curls up on the couch in the library reading a Philip K. Dick novel.
Tony puts his hands on the back on the couch. He tries -- and fails -- to act sweet and innocent. “So how was your day?”
“Fine.” Steve flips the page without looking up.
“Did you go out?”
“Ran some errands.”
“Get what you need?”
“Yes, actually, I did.”
Now Steve looks up. “Uh...”
“Anything for me?”
Tony straightens up. “So you just went and bought lingerie for your other girlfriend? Are you actually fucking that one? Or have you still not decided if she’s your type?”
But Tony doesn’t hear the rest of Steve’s apology or retort or whatever. He storms out, slamming the library door behind him.
He marches right up to Thor’s room and barges in without consequence. Thor aimlessly flips through the channels on the television. “Tony, what brings thee into my chambers?”
“Get undressed,” Tony orders. He’ll regret this in the morning but it won’t stop him from enjoying every minute of it. He’s done worse and survived to see another day.
“Beg thy pardon?” Thor arches his eyebrow.
Tony’s already slipping out of his pumps and unbuttoning his blouse. “Take. Off. Your. Damn. Clothes.”
“Thou dost flatter my ego with thy err, my friend; yet we both know I am not the great Captain.”
Tony tosses aside the shirt. “And that’s a problem because?” He shimmies out of his skirt. In just his lace bra and panties, he struts toward Thor. He’s going to give the big boy a lap dance.
“Aye, because I never seen two souls so in love. Thou art Aphrodite to his Adonis, Cupid to his Psyche, Brynhildr to his Siguror.”
“Those stories don’t have happy endings.” Tony puts his hands on Thor’s massive shoulders. He leans in to kiss Thor, who pulls away.
“Mortals must define happiness in another way. Great loves must face adversity and anguish; for if they do not, they are not worthy of legend.” Thor puts his hand on Tony’s cheek.
Tony hisses, “Don’t make me beg Clint.”
“I know not why there is sadness in thy heart, Tony. I only know that thou love the dear Captain and I consider him fine ally and a good friend. He deserves this not.”
Tony lets his head gently hit Thor’s shoulder with a thump. He inhales. He exhales. Finally he says, “I don’t deserve this either.”
Thor fetches a throw and covers Tony; he wraps his arms around Tony and holds him until he falls asleep.
Tony almost tells Steve to go to Hell. Steve wants to blindfold him and put him in a cab for a surprise. What, a surprise phalloplasty?
“Please, Tony.” Steve asks in the voice that Tony just cannot deny. Damn it all. He turns around. Steve loosely ties the fabric around Tony’s eyes and it’s completely black.
He feels Steve’s fingers interlace with his. “I got you,” Steve says as they walk out the front door. The sound of the city hits Tony with a bang -- only to leave as soon as they enter the cab. Steve does not tell the cabbie where to go; so this must be prearranged. Traffic’s stop and go, go and stop, for about ten minutes before the cabbie stops again.
Steve stops Tony’s attempt to remove the blindfold until they’re out of the cab. Steve unties it and;
They stand before the entrance of the Waldorf=Astoria. This is the last place Tony expects. He turns to Steve, who wears a shy grin. Over Steve’s shoulder, Tony sees the cabbie removing a large suitcase and garment bag from the trunk.
“Tony,” Steve says, “I’ve been a rotten boyfriend.”
Tony pulls him into a kiss. They haven’t kissed like this since before the change.
“I had a whole speech planned.”
Tony laughs. “You have all night to tell me.”
“All weekend. We’re booked for two nights. Pepper’s rescheduled all your appointments and I didn’t pack our cell phones or computers.”
He’s so getting laid.
Steve pays the cabbie. He takes the luggage in one hand and wraps his other arm around Tony’s waist. “I love you. I’m sorry I ever made you doubt that.”
They enter the lobby laughing, and laugh as Steve checks in as “Mr. Rogers and Ms. Stark”, and laugh as they make out in their private elevator up to one of the historic suites.
They stop laughing at the door of the Royal Suite. Tony raises his eyebrow. “Not the Presidential; Steve, I’m slightly disappointed.” He’s not. Not in the slightest.
Steve shocks Tony by saying, “My plans for this weekend aren’t exactly… presidential.”
“I’m so digging your plans for this weekend.”
Steve backs Tony into the suite’s grand foyer, never breaking their kiss.
Tony hits his legs against the center table. He turns around and sees a Victoria’s Secret bag sitting there. “You liar.” Tony nips at Steve’s ear. He tries picking up the package to investigate, but Steve’s too fast. He snatches it before Tony.
“It was supposed to be a surprise.” He almost sounds ashamed.
“Then you should’ve ordered it online.”
“And had it shipped to the Mansion? You would’ve intercepted it before I had the --”
“But having it announced on Twitter kept it on the DL?”
Steve mutters, “I hate cell phones.”
“I know.” Tony grins. “So can I have it now?”
“Why don’t you go in the bathroom and try it on?”
Tony nips on Steve’s bottom lip. “Okay.” Tony saunters off to the bathroom where he slips out of his clothes. He turns on the water for a quick shower. He’d been tinkering in his workshop all morning before Steve swooped him off for a getaway.
He sings as he washes his hair. “I was beat, incomplete, I’d been had, I was sad and blue, but you made me feel, yeah you made me feel shiny and neewww.” Continuing singing, he towels off and then moisturizes his face, vagina and anus.
“Oh, Steven,” Tony mutters as he pulls out a lacy red flyaway babydoll. As he digs deeper he finds a pair of matching lace garters and... “Oh what is this?” And a pair of McQueen stilettos that will make even Jan squeal.
“Touched for the very first time,” Tony sing-songs as he gussies himself up, “Like a virgin, oh oh like a virgin.”
Not for long. Tony exists the bathroom and enters the bedroom. “What do you thi--”
Tony stops in front of the bed to pose. Only, he’s distracted by Steve, Steve sitting naked on the bed, Steve sitting naked on the bed, resting his back against the headboard, with only the shield, covering his lap.
Tony says, “I feel strangely over dressed.”
Steve extends his arm, gesturing for Tony to “C’mere.” Tony can only oblige. “You look perfect,” Steve says as he leans up and kisses Tony, who tumbles onto Steve and the bed. Steve runs his hands up Tony’s legs and removes the garter belt and panties. With slow, delicate care.
Tony says, “Money well spent.”
Steve positions Tony so his back rests against the cool metal of the shield. Tony runs his fingers against the rim. Steve never lets them play with the shield; oh, sure, he’ll let Tony pin him against the Quinjet wall and fuck him while both are still sweaty from battle, but never with the shield.
Steve kisses his way up Tony’s inner thigh.
Tony gasps Steve slips his tongue inside him. Steve’s done this before, but, this time’s different. This time it’s really Steve. Tony runs his fingers through Steve’s hair. He digs his Alexander McQueen’s into Steve’s back, pulling him closer. When Steve runs his tongue over Tony’s clit, Tony just giggles. “There, Oh God, there.”
Soon Tony screams like a harlot as his orgasm hits. The best, best, bestest part is when Steve rises to his feet revealing his glorious engorged penis dripping. Tony immediately lunges for it – to no success. Steve flips Tony so his breasts press firmly against the shield. Steve sticks in one finger in Tony’s opening, and then another, and Tony’s thanking Odin that he lubes up beforehand. Steve slams into him causing his vulva to rub against the shield. It’s perfect. Steve perfectly fucks him until they’re both coming, and coming hard.
“Nooaah...” Tony bemoans as Steve pulls out and flops beside him. He doesn’t want Steve to break the connection. Tony climbs on top of Steve. “Better.”
Steve runs his palms up and down Tony’s spine. “I love you.”
“I love you more.”
Tony and Steve still manage to leave the hotel room before 11AM despite staying up to 5AM having non-stop sex. When Tony means non-stop, he means non-stop. The perks of having a vagina and a sex partner with zero refractory time.
Finally. Finally, finally, finally, Steve slides into Tony's vagina and fucks him. Only takes him two weeks. Tony actually cries. It's perfect. Hence why they did it over and over and over and over and over again.
Not that he’s advocating for boring old heteronomative sex; he actually can’t remember having sex with a woman, when he had a man’s body, being this good. It's all Steve. Steve and the fact that they can have so much sex that, pun intended, gets him all hot and bothered.
They depart the Waldorf=Astoria before 11AM. Happy waits for them with the car. Neither Steve nor Happy tell Tony their destination; they only say it’s a long trip.
Fifty minutes and a blow job later, they arrive at The Cloisters. Tony lets Steve drag him from Hall to Chapel to Hall. He listens as Steve slips into his artist lexicon to discuss the work. They spend far too long discussing proper interpretation for “The Hunt of the Unicorn” and end the day strolling hand and hand along the Cuxa.
“Never really pegged you for Medieval Art.” Tony rests against the short wall with his back to the gardens. Steve stands almost on top of him looking out at the garden.
“It’s private here. Peaceful.”
“And they don’t allow cameras.”
“Tony,” Steve says, “You never let me finish that speech last night.”
“Water under the bridge,” Tony waves it off. “I was acting selfish and stupid –”
“So was I.”
“I’m sorry, did Captain America just claim he acted selfish? Didn’t know you knew the meaning.”
“Not Captain America, Steve Rogers.” Tony puts his hand on Steve’s. Steve takes him time saying, “Back in my day, if you were homosexual you had to hide it. We were meant to think it was wrong, a sin. All we had to do was marry a nice dame and have some kids and all of those feelings would just go away.”
“You don’t have anything to be ashamed of.”
“Right. In today’s society I don’t. Now I can take you out, and I can kiss you for the cameras, and I don’t have to hide who I really am. Heck, the government finally overturned “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” so I have no reason to hide. I have this handsome, brilliant man who loves me. And now…” Steve just looks off into the garden.
Tony understands. “And now that handsome, brilliant man is a handsome, brilliant woman.” Steve nods. Tony says, “You’re not acting selfish. I’m sorry I was too warped up in my tits and vajayjay to notice. I should’ve asked you how you felt.”
Steve turns and sits shoulder to shoulder with Tony. “They are pretty nice tits.”
“Do you want to fondle them?”
Steve hangs his head in his hands as Tony grins. Then he stands and takes Tony’s hand. “C’mon, I can’t do it here.”
Tony circles his suit debating if he needs repulsor blasts from his tits. Some might consider it tacky, but Tony never was one for taste. Except in shoes. He had excellent taste in shoes.
“Tony, what are you doing?” Steve. Steve enters the garage like his owns the place. No one but Pepper or Rhodey could pull off that feat.
“Making tits to die for. What’s up with you, sugar bear?”
Steve bites his lip and shuffles his feet. Now Tony knows something’s up. He removes his goggles and saunters up to his boyfriend. "I’ve been,” Steve picks his words carefully, “doing some thinking and I want to ask; are you transgender?”
Tony’s eyebrows can’t arch fast enough. “Excuse me?”
“You haven't changed back yet --”
“And you seem to be enjoying being a woman --”
“And if you are a transsexual I will support you and --”
Tony shakes his head and laughs.
Steve just says, “So, you’re not?”
“Would it matter?”
“So you are?”
Tony puts both hands on Steve’s cheeks. “Steve, only two labels matter to me: Captain America and Iron Man. I’m Iron Man. You’re Captain America. Nothing else matters.”
“You didn’t answer my question.”
Tony goes back to his suit. “I think I answered it loud and clear.”
“So you are?”
“Jesus, Steve, no, I’m not. I’m a dude. I think of myself as a dude. When they write my inevitable biography they’ll write stuff like “his breasts” and “he was Captain America’s girlfriend.” But that doesn’t mean I don’t I enjoy being a woman. 'Cause I do. Absolutely love it.”
Steve says, “I don’t understand.”
“Of course, you don’t.”
“I’m trying to understand.”
“You need a label. Okay. I’m a transvestite. Let’s go with that. I’m a sweet transvestite. And I think that’s playing tonight, so we should go.”
Steve looks more confused than when he first arrives. “Playing tonight? You’re speaking in riddles again.”
“Yeah, we’re definitely going tonight. You’d make an excellent Rocky.”
Tony finally convinces Steve to forgive him for what will go down in Avengers' History as "The Rocky Horror Picture Show SNAFU". As an "I'm So Sorry" Tony pulls out the strap on and harness.
Tony finds the RX bottle of Viagra in the medicine cabinet. He smiles. Steve does care.
Tony throws up in the morning.
Tony throws up in the morning.
“Did you know,” Tony says to Steve as they return from stopping The Wrecking Crew from wrecking Time Square, “That women’s sex drives actually increases during pregnancy?”
“Uh, no, but why does that –”
“You put a bun in my oven.”
Jan struts into the kitchen and starts handing out cigars. “Hank’s pregnant! I’m going to be a Mommy!”
They stand around Hank’s lab agape.
Tony can only watch in horror.
“Hulk no pregnant. Hulk no pregnant. Hulk don’t do that to Baby Hulk. No. No. No…”
And before their eyes, Hulks transforms into Banner, Bruce Banner, the man, not the Amazon Goddess they’ve lived with for months. He lies in fetal position, clinging to his stomach, surrounded by a pool of blood. Clint and Hank rush toward him. Tony thinks Jan screams. Or maybe he screams. He remains frozen as Clint swoops up Banner and rushes to the infirmary. Everyone follows but Tony.
Tony clings to his stomach.
He might change back.
Please, Odin, don’t let him change back.
Tony walls himself up in his garage. He has JARVIS bring up every ‘healthy mother’ book and pitch and scheme in history. Part of Steve’s inside him. A little Steve. It will kill Tony if Steve loses it; he’s lost so much, too much, already. This isn’t just about him and his hedonistic fetishes anymore.
He’s going to make it to full term.
He’s having this child.
Banner Hulks out and takes off. He leaves no note, no indication if he’s ever coming back.
Clint takes after him. Thor asks if he needs assistance; Clint says he needs to do this alone.
He won’t even look at Hank and Tony as he says his goodbyes.
Tony wants to smack Hank. Tony’s over the toilet. Hank sits on the rim of the bathtub with a note pad. He wants to know everything Tony’s going through. Hank loves being pregnant. Think of the science, the breakthroughs, the -- Tony hates his chipper tone.
He also doesn’t stop to listen to Jan question whether Hank loves the fetus or loves the science on his way to the bedroom.
Jan changes back for Mercedes Benz Fashion Week.
“It’s just not the same since they moved it,” Jan laments as she looks around the tent. They sit in the front row across the catwalk from Anna Wintour waiting for Carolina’s Herrera’s show to start.
Tony leans into Jan. “Fifty bucks I can make her laugh.”
He says, “I want that one”, as a stunning Vera Wang gown passes by on the runway.
“You told Steve yet?” Jan jots notes on her pad.
“Why would I do that?”
Jan just rolls her eyes.
Tony starts showing his bump. Steve can’t keep his hands off him.
Tony awakes wrapped in Steve’s arms. Steve rests his hands on Tony’s stomach. “How long have I been out?”
Shit. He’s been sleeping non-stop lately. “And you’ve been just like that the whole time?”
Steve grins. “Had to go out for a couple hours and apprehend Whirlwind with Jan, but, yeah. You hungry?”
“I’ll go make you some oatmeal and fruit salad.”
“And orange juice.”
“Yeah, yeah, and some orange juice.” Tony throws off the covers and goes to take a shower.
Tony can’t fit in his Iron Man suit anymore.
Clint returns. “I think he’s really gone,” he says, and that’s all the news they hear concerning the Hulk.
Hank won’t stop eating dirt.
Hank puts Tony on bed rest. Steve spends every minute with him when he’s not leading the Avengers in Tony’s absence.
“God damn it. I can’t just sit here. Give me a computer! JARVIS will run the suit off-site. I’m pregnant; I’m not an invalid.”
Bruce returns. He doesn't speak about what happened. Clint doesn't leave his side.
Tony rests his head against Steve’s chest as he sleeps, listening to his heartbeat. It’s perfect and safe. Nothing will ever hurt him or their child with Steve’s protection.
It’s a boy.
Tony can’t stop peeing.
Being pregnant is the best thing ever, Tony thinks, because he heard reverse psychology works on some things. If the changes are ‘will’ based -- you know, he wants to be a woman so he keeps on being a woman -- that means he can’t think about how much his ankles hurt or his back hurts or how bloated he feels. No, instead he’s going to focus on how awesome it is that he has such an active son who won’t stop kicking and kicking and kicking, and how awesome it is that Steve treats him like an invalid and mothers him every minute of every day and how he’s going to make the most awesome and best father in the world.
Hank changes back within the hour after labor. Apparently he didn’t want to continue this experiment through breast feeding and two A.M. diaper changes. Tony’s never seen Jan happier -- and why shouldn’t she be? She’s the luckiest woman in the world; she begot a child without getting the stretch marks. Everyone says that Isabella looks exactly like Jan. Tony doesn’t know how, she’s just a bunch of wrinkles.
Tony only understands when they place his son, Jonathan Stark Rogers, in his arms. He looks exactly like Steve.
The little monster bites like Steve, too. Breast feeding won’t be fun if Jonathan keeps it up.
Tony spoons against Steve in their bed. Jonathan sleeps without a peep, all wrapped up in his blanket and sleeping in the shield. Soon he won’t fit anymore. He’s growing so big, just like his Daddy. Tony runs his finger across his son’s cheek.
“Tony,” Steve breathes into his neck. “It’s been a year.”
Tony knows what Steve’s going to say before he says it. Same question as always. Too tired and too content to pick a fight, Tony just turns his head to kiss Steve. “I’ll decide in the morning.”
Steve can only smile and nod. He says, “I will love you regardless.”
Tony bets Steve will. He’s not the type of man to leave his Baby Mama. “Say good night, Gracie.”
Whatever happens, Tony will think about it in the morning.
Tony runs into Doom one day at the UN for an International Peace Conference. He thanks him for the magic trick. Things worked out rather swimmingly.