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Crisis on Infinite Shrimp Boats

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Scott Summers had been on this shrimp boat before. He’d been lost once, and it had given him the time to find himself. But he wasn’t the only one here this time. Tony Stark was with him, as was Wolverine. He had seen Spider-Man sulking in a corner somewhere. There were others, off on parts of the boat that he couldn’t get to, but he thought that he recognized the costumes. They were from places or times that were not his, he could only assume. Stranger things had happened, after all.

“Hey, it’s the dad of my not-really boyfriend!” a familiar voice exclaimed, and Cyclops turned around to see pretty much the last person he wanted to see.

“Deadpool,” Cyclops groaned. “What are you doing here?”

“The author couldn’t figure out who else should serve as a voice for a magical therapist shrimp boat, even if she wouldn’t let me have my yellow boxes, because they take too much time to code.”

Scott thought about responding to that, but considering that Deadpool had been the one saying it, it probably made as much sense as anything was going to make.

“Look, Wilson, if you don’t have anything to contribute, you can go away.”

“I have plenty to contribute,” Deadpool said eagerly. “Don’t you want to know why you’re here?”

“Why?” Scott asked, trying to hold back his annoyance with the entire situation. It was probably better to play along anyway.

“This is the Planet Oa,” Deadpool said eagerly. “It’s where the Guardians of the Universe created a team of rainbow colored lanterns to fight the emotion that is death. Oh wait, sorry, wrong story. No, this is an ancient Shi’ar artifact that was caught in the Center of the Universe. Or maybe it’s an old mutant that’s trying to ascend to a higher plane and this is how it goes about it. Or it’s really whatever plot device you can think of that makes angsty superheroes confront themselves and decide to be a hero again. So can we get on with it? That Nightwing guy in DC is going to take forever, and we’ve got a schedule to keep.”

“Death isn’t an emotion,” Scott protested.

“Tell that to Geoff Johns,” Deadpool said. “Maybe then he’ll go back to writing about Hal and Ollie on road trips instead of doing all that cosmic stuff, and then the person this story is for can read Green Lantern again.”

“Right,” Scott said, looking dazed. “So why am I here?”

Deadpool shrugged. “You tell me! I mean, the therapist isn’t supposed to do all the talking. And also the author hates writing me, so she says it’s your turn to talk now.”

“I haven’t done anything recently,” Scott said, trying to figure out exactly who in the universe he had managed to piss off.

”Oh, is this taking place before Utopia? Because the jet pack was pretty cool. Why didn’t you have a jet pack before?”

“I don’t think I want to know,” Cyclops said. “Although, a jet pack might be useful.”

“See, I knew that having me on the X-Men would help you!”

“You aren’t a member of the X-Men, Wade,” Cyclops said automatically.

“I am too!” Deadpool protested. “They even include me in the previews on [info]xmen_on_lj! That proves it!”

“This isn’t helping,” Scott said, turning away. “I’m going to go figure out a way off this boat.”

“You can’t leave!” Deadpool said, bouncing over to appear in front of him. “I mean, you can try, and for some reason likeadeuce thought that the shrimp boat references that ladysarai was making were about porn, so if you go over to that section of the boat where he’s hanging out you can probably hook up with Wolverine before this is over, but the author isn’t going to let you leave until you come to some sort of emotional realization so that she can end the fic.”

“I’m not sleeping with Wolverine,” Cyclops said firmly. “And I don’t know or care who this likeadeuce guy is.”

“Actually, I’m pretty sure likeadeuce is a girl, and she’s obsessed with James Marsden. And shrimp boats. Which is why this story is happening,” Deadpool said. “And she doesn’t care who James Marsden is.”

Cyclops shook his head. “Fine. But I thought you just said she doesn’t care who he is? How could she be… never mind.” His head hurt, which was common when talking to Deadpool.

“Stop bothering my father, Wade,” another voice said, and Cyclops’ jaw dropped slightly.

“Cable,” he said in surprise. “I thought that you were…”

“Lost in the future?” Cable acknowledged. “Yes, but someone had to keep Deadpool out of trouble.”

“And apparently this story wants to be a collection of people that the author hasn’t written before, but thinks that likeadeuce would enjoy seeing, so she brought you back from the future so that I could make a joke about sunscreen and bodysliding.”

“Where’s the baby?” Scott demanded. “Is she…”

“She’s not Jean, if that’s what you’re asking!” Deadpool said enthusiastically. “Well, she still might be, but that would annoy various people who are sick of Phoenix resurrection fakeouts. So just pretend that I didn’t say anything.”

“I always pretend that you didn’t say anything,” Cable said, almost fondly.

“That wasn’t what you said last night!” Deadpool said. “See, I even repeated it on twitter, so you know it’s true.”

“I don’t even want to know,” Cyclops muttered.

“You keep saying that!” Deadpool said. “You would think that if you really didn’t want to know you’d actually be ignoring us, so you must want to know. Or if you really didn’t want to know you’d have your big emotional realization or go and have sex with Wolverine.”

“Why do you keep bringing that up?” Scott demanded.

“Maybe it’s a hint about your big emotional realization? Or maybe you’re just that hardcore. I bet you even forgot to fasten your seatbelt once!”

“Maybe this is all some sort of telepathic hallucination,” Scott said.

Deadpool shook his head. “If it was some sort of telepathically induced thing, wouldn’t there be more sexy women in the hotel in your mind? Or maybe sexy men. We didn’t get to see that floor last time. But this is your existential shrimp boat crisis, I’m just acting as narrator.”

“How did you know about…” Scott shook his head. “Never mind.”

“This time I don’t want to know,” Cable said.

“We’re still wasting time, and there are emotional realizations to come. Maybe it isn’t Wolverine? We could get Warren Worthington on the boat too. He has angst, and the X-Force people decided to make him Death again, so he could benefit from therapy or emotional realizations.”

Scott could feel himself blushing.

“So, Warren then? Because the author really wants to go to bed, and she has to be at work really early in the morning, so could you figure things out already?”

“There’s nothing for me to figure out,” Scott said firmly.

“Sure there is!” Deadpool told him. “Everyone here has something to figure out! Spider-Man has to figure out… well, he’s Spider-Man. He’s done this before. He’ll be done sulking and spout off that crazy talk about power and responsibility and then go find out that his clone who we thought Marvel had forgotten about is back, because apparently the 90s are coming back in style. Which is good for me! I like my pouches. And yellow boxes. It’s too bad my author is lazy.”

“Get to the point, already.”

“Well, nobody gets off the boat until they have their emotional realization. Do you think the great power thing will work for you?”

“What about Iron Man?” Cable asked.

“Oh, he just needs to deal with his whole boyfriend coming back from the dead thing. There’ll probably be sexy times later. Or maybe Henry Hellrung will show up. Likeadeuce likes him too, and this story is for her.”

“So what am I dealing with then?” Scott asked. Maybe Deadpool would start making some sense. Stranger things had happened, after all.

“I think you’re supposed to be dealing with your attraction to Logan and Warren. Or maybe it’s something else, but since we keep talking about them, I’d say that my first guess would probably be right.” Deadpool shrugged. “At least it isn’t Daken. He’s too busy shipping members of the Fantastic Four and trying to seduce Bullseye. He’d probably sleep with you just to make his dad jealous.”

“If I agree that I have at some point been attracted to them both, can I get off of this boat?” Scott shouted in frustration.

“Sure,” Deadpool said. “I’m just surprised it took over 1,400 words for us to get there. I think I need a chimichanga.”

Scott sighed, and started to walk away again, when something hit him in the back.

When he came to, he was pretty sure he was still on the shrimp boat. It smelled like it, anyway.

“Scott?” a concerned voice asked. Not Deadpool, thank God.

”Lee!” he said in surprise. “How did I… how did you?”

“What are you doing here?” she asked.

Scott shook his head. “You really don’t want to know.”