Scene 1 - Willow's room
...Willow pouted, "Spike's more important than Willow. I get it."
Xander shifted impatiently, "Look Willow, we've gotta find out what's up with those commandos. Right now we need Spike!"
"Well fine!" said Willow bitterly, "Why don't you just go marry him?"
Xander turned and ran from the room.
Now even Xander can't be bothered to hang out with me, thought Willow. She went and stared morbidly at herself in the mirror. Two big fat tears ran down her face, and the sight made her cry even more. "Can't you see," she said out loud, "I am suffering here, and none of you cares, at all."
Scene 2 - the Cemetery
Xander ran breathlessly through one of Sunnydale's many cemeteries. Where was his beloved Spike? He needed to find him before Buffy did, but Spike could be anywhere - and yet love would surely find a way...
There was a faint crunching sound. Xander looked up along the long sweep of the central gravel path which rose up the hill, shining with an eerie white glow in the moonlight. What was that black shape in the distance? A sudden fierce wind began to blow, and the black shape's outlines began to billow and flap. It was Spike!
Spike ran down the path, gravel churning under foot, his leather duster flying madly behind him, and creaking in the wind like a black swan in flight. "Xander - light of my life, fire of my loins, my sin, my soul!"
Xander heard Spike's voice echo faintly across the hill as the wind whipped and tore at him. He flung his arms out wide and turned his face up to the moon. "Oh, my demon lover is returned to me."
Spike ran full tilt into Xander's arms - and knocked him flying into a nearby bush.
"Oof!" cried Xander, lying outstretched on the ground, "You always leave me breathless, Spike!"
Spike leant over and helped Xander to his feet. "Sorry," he said, "got a bit carried away there." There was a pause. "So," said Spike, "fancy a shag then?"
Xander batted his lashes. "I'd love one," he said.
Spike pulled Xander close, and kissed him, hard. "Fancy doing it on tombstone?" he said suggestively, "You'll have something cold and hard above you and beneath you." He waggled his eyebrows.
"Ooh! said Xander, "you are awful! My big bad Bit O'Honey!" Spike dipped him backwards in a dramatic swooping motion and they locked lips.
"JUST. WHAT. THE. HELL. IS GOING ON HERE!" It was Buffy's voice.
Spike and Xander turned their heads. The slayer stood before them, her hair whipping about her head as though it were alive, her skirt cracking about her knees. In one hand she held a pointed stake, in the other a padlock and a long heavy chain.
She stepped forward, eyes flashing angrily, and poked Xander hard in the ribs with the stake, "What did you just say?" Xander fell backwards out of Spike's arms with a little "oof!"
"Hey!" said Spike indignantly, "Keep away from my boyfriend!" He stepped forward .
"You are so brave, darling!" said Xander fondly, rising to his feet and placing his hand possessively on Spike's ass. He glared at Buffy, "I called Spikey my big bad Bit O'Honey. And he is."
"Aww," said Spike. He turned and kissed Xander on the nose, and you're my darlin' passion flower."
Buffy's eyes bulged in their sockets. "Just what the hell is wrong with the pair of you?" She took a couple of agitated paces, "Hell, I don't want to know what is wrong with you. You are just so creepy and disgusting, and wrong."
"Bigot!" said Xander.
Buffy ground her teeth. "I am not a bigot," she furiously, "I'm from Los Angeles!" She stopped abruptly. "Anyway, that is totally not the point." She turned to Xander, "Spike is an undead soulless vampire; he is not good boyfriend material - any sane person could see that."
"If this be madness, better so, far better to be mad!" said Xander poetically. He kissed Spike passionately upon the lips.
Buffy struggled to keep down her breakfast.
"Xander," she said, "obviously you are unwell. You need to come with me, so I can find someone - probably someone with a medical degree - who can help you." She turned to Spike, "As for you, I'm here to take you in. If you want to make a run for it, go ahead, I'm gonna enjoy taking you down." She swung the chain in her hands like a lariat.
"I won't let you have him!" said Xander, stepping between Buffy and Spike. If you try to drag him off in chains, I'll, I'll punch you!" He raised his fists threateningly.
Spike turned and ran. Xander threw himself bodily at Buffy and they went down in a tangle of arms and legs. "Ow!" cried Xander as Buffy elbowed him furiously in the face. "Ow!" he cried again as she stepped on his ribs.
Spike hesitated, then ran back. "Don't hurt him!" he cried. He fell to his knees and gathered Xander to his bosom. "Are you ok, peach blossom?" he said tenderly. He scowled up at Buffy, "You are such a bully!"
Buffy reached into her back pocket and pulled out a pair of handcuffs. She snapped one bracelet onto Spike's left hand, which was cradling Xander's bruised cheekbone, then snapped the other on to Xander's right hand, which was resting tenderly on Spike's shoulder.
"Right, she said between gritted teeth, "you are both coming with me. Giles can try and sort this mess out - hopefully before I stake both of you." She lifted the heavy chain she had brought, and rattled it ominously.
Buffy was setting a furious pace as she steamed up and down the hills of Sunnydale's biggest cemetery dragging her unwilling captives behind her. Spike and Xander, festooned in chains, their manacled hands clasped, ran uncomfortably along behind her.
"Xander, my darling rosebud," said Spike, "I just want you to know - I loved you already, but when you threw yourself at the Slayer, to let me escape - that was so brave, and noble... blimey," he blinked and gulped, "oh I'm all choked up now," he said thickly, "you are just the best boyfriend any vampire ever had!"
"My darlin' Spikey," sobbed Xander, "I love you so much. I would have thrown myself between you and wild horses, if they were chasing you. I'd do anything for my sweet sugar lips!"
"Xander, my little pumpkin pie," said Spike, flinging himself dramatically to one knee, "will you marry me?"
Buffy felt the sudden resistance on the chain as she reached the top of the hill, and gave it a savage pull. Spike toppled forward onto his face. Buffy disappeared over the crest of the hill and set off at a dead run. Spike ploughed head first into a holly bush as Xander frantically tried to keep pace and stay on his feet. The holly bush was uprooted by another vigorous tug from the Slayer as she charged downhill. It came adrift in a shower of soil and bumped into Xander's path. Xander fell yelping among the prickles.
A moment later Spike's strong arm tore the holly bush away and Spike and Xander twisted over onto their backs as they slid down the hill. Buffy felt the sudden lack of resistance and glanced back. Xander and Spike were sliding down the hill toward her! Slayer reflexes took over and she jumped athletically into the air as they whizzed past. Thinking fast she stepped across to the one tree on the hill slope and belayed the chain around it. Xander and Spike's descent came to an abrupt and painful end 20ft from the bottom of the slope.
"Spikey, dumpling" said Xander shakily, "are you ok?"
Spike groaned a little.
"I just wanted to say," continued Xander, "you've made me the proudest and happiest man in existence! Yes I will marry you, a thousand times yes!" He leant down and showered Spike's face with tender yet ardent kisses.
"Will you cut that out!" shouted Buffy. She unwrapped the chain from the tree (which was looking a little the worse for wear) and stomped down the hill towards them.
"Spike and I are engaged," said Xander defiantly, tearing his gaze reluctantly away from Spike's luscious lips, "we can kiss all we like!"
"Not if you want to live long enough to see Sunnydale again," said Buffy furiously, gathering in the chain and swinging it in big loops over her shoulder.
"Anyway," said Xander, "you can't force me to go anywhere. It's a free country you know, I have rights!"
"And so do I!" said Spike.
Buffy snorted like a maddened bull. "No you don't," she said, pointing at Spike, "You're a vampire remember? You have no rights, whatsoever!"
"That is so unfair!" yelled Xander. "Vampires should have civil rights! Ok, well Spike and I are going to passively resist you - aren't we Spike?"
Spike hesitated; he'd never been much of a one for passive resistance, more a fan of violent attack - but if that was what his little gummi bear wanted..."
"Right," he said defiantly, "passive resistance, yeah."
"This is a sit down strike," said Xander, folding his arms "We're not going anywhere."
Xander and Spike slid down Sunnydale high street on Spike's duster. Xander was sitting in Spike's lap as they slid along; the seat of his pants had given way before they even reached the cemetery gates, and at his first involuntary yelp when his ass met a portion of the gravel path, Spike had hoisted him into his arms. The whole thing was tremendously romantic, thought Xander happily, and he wiggled his semi bare behind excitedly. Spike groaned, and moved to cup Xander's groin.
The chain jerked viciously and Spike made a desperate grab to keep Xander on his lap. Did that bitch have eyes in the back of her head?
They drew to a halt outside Giles' house and Buffy dropped the chain from her shoulder with a heavy clang. She reached over and lifted Spike and Xander each by one ear, then stepped up to Giles' door and opened it with a single well aimed kick.
Giles put his cup of tea down on the tray in front of him and sighed; Buffy of course. He had asked her again and again just to knock.
Scene 3 - Giles' House
Buffy strode into Giles' living room, dragging Spike and Xander with her. She pushed Spike violently on to the sofa, and Xander collapsed with him, still manacled in place.
"Giles!" she said, "you have to do something. These two moon addled freaks," she glared at Xander and Spike, who were tangled together on the sofa, "have completely lost it!"
Spike twisted his duster around to inspect the seat. There was two cheek shaped paler patches rubbed in the leather. "Hey! he said indignantly, now my cool leather jacket has an ass on it!"
"I think it's bee-ootiful," said Xander lovingly, "after all, it's your ass Sugar Pie." He ran his hand suggestively over the scuffed leather.
"Eew, eew, eew!" said Buffy.
"Ah," said Giles, "this is, um, unexpected... and really quite painful," he added, as Spike leapt on Xander and mashed their lips together.
Buffy dragged Spike back by the shoulder. "Keep your hands off Xander, and your lips!" she shouted.
"Whose lips have been touching Xander?" Everyone turned.
Anya stood on the threshold, her eyes flashing. "If it's Willow again, I am going to kick her snivelling little witchy butt into the middle of next week!"
"It's Spike," said Buffy. "Oh, but he and Xander are engaged," she added with deep sarcasm, "so it's quite all right apparently."
There was a terrible silence. "Xander," said Anya, moving to loom over him, "have you become engaged to someone WHO ISN'T ME?"
Xander cowered against Spike a little. "It's true, Anya love," he said pitifully, "but I only followed my heart, you can't blame me for that, surely?"
"I can totally blame you for that!" yelled Anya, "and you, dead boy." She pointed accusingly at Spike. "Get this straight. No vampire is putting his evil cold dead lips anywhere near my boyfriend... and if there has been any biting or sucking going on I tell you now there's gonna be a staking a'happenin'."
Spike and Xander shifted guiltily. "Right!" shouted Anya. She ran over and dragged the stake from Buffy's pocket.
"Now, Anya," said Giles reasonably, placing a restraining a hand on each shoulder, "this is almost certainly the effect of a spell. You really can't hold Xander, or even Spike, responsible for their actions..." he looked across at Xander and Spike who were gazing soppily into each others' eyes, "...revolting though they undoubtedly are."
"We are engaged and you can't do anything about it!" shouted Xander, braver now that Anya was being restrained, "So get used to it, sister!"
"God," said Spike gazing intensely into Xander's eyes, "every time you say engaged, I get so hot!"
"Engaged!" shouted Xander happily. Spike pinned him down on the sofa and plunged his free hand under Xander's shirt. He began nibbling Xander's ear.
"Ooh that tickles," said Xander, giggling flirtatiously, "do it some more!"
"Aaagh!" screamed Anya, as she struggled helplessly in Giles's arms. Then she took a deep breath and mastered herself. "A spell," she muttered to herself, "it's obviously a spell..."
"That's right," said Giles, relieved, "no need to stake anybody..."
"..and I am going to track down whoever is responsible for this spell," continued Anya savagely, "and beat them to a bloody pulp."
"And I'm going to help you," said Buffy, moving across the room to stare with deep loathing at the writhing couple on the sofa. "No-one should have to see and hear what I've seen and heard in the last half hour. I think there may be permanent scarring."
Willow mooned listlessly through the open door, a wet hankie in her hand. She blinked at all the unexpected company there. "Oh hey, guys," she said half-heartedly. She peered across the room hopefully. "Actually I was hoping to have a little heart to heart with Giles..." She saw what was happening on the sofa, "E-eew," she said, "what is wrong with them?"
"Where does one start?" said Giles wearily.
Spike looked up. "Well, if it isn't the weepy Wicca," he said sardonically, "Red eyed 24/7." Tired already of a subject other than Xander, he turned back to his boyfriend, "To what, my love, shall I compare thine eyne? Crystal is muddy. O, how ripe in show thy lips, those kissing cherries, tempting grow!"
"Ooh," said Xander, "I go all swoony when you quote Shakespeare!" He latched his kissing cherry lips enthusiastically to Spike's again.
Buffy stomped over furiously, and pulled them apart. She grabbed their manacled hands and ripped the chain in two with an impressive display of stressed-out-slayer strength, then pointed.
"One end of the sofa each! If you guys don't cut out the macking and the mauling, I am going to throw a bucket of cold water on you!"
"Not while they're on my sofa, you're not," said Giles firmly.
Spike gazed wistfully at his now parted lover. "How about Alaska for the wedding, my darling little pomegranate?" he said, "You, me, 24 hours of continuous twilight, and a polar bear fur rug that I could lay your sweet white naked flesh upon - what could be better?"
"You are so romantic," said Xander. He flung himself from his end of the sofa into Spike's lap. There was the sound of a zipper being unzipped.
"Noooo!" screamed Anya, surging forward blindly, and sending the table flying. There was a crash of crockery and an anguished cry from Giles.
Anya flew across the room and wrenched Xander's hand out of Spike's jeans.
"My teapot!" Giles snatched the fallen teapot from the floor and cradled it fearfully, checking it for damage, "No, no it's ok... oh God!" His trembling hand darted out and lifted the teapot lid. He held it out accusingly. A crack ran from side to side. "You mad barbarian!" he yelled at Anya, "is nothing sacred?"
"Well geez, Xander," said Willow tiredly, "when I said why don't you marry Spike, I was only kidding. I didn't think you'd actually take me literally.." She stopped. "Oh, oh, oh! OH!"
She grinned a terrified frozen grin around the room. "Golly, this is so embarrassing isn't it?" she said desperately. "Ha, ha, silly me! Um, my will be undone, like um now.." she clapped her hands and muttered under her breath a little.
Xander and Spike sprang apart as though someone had applied a cattle prod.
"Listerine!" shouted Xander, "where's the Listerine, or the bleach?" "Aargh! I have to scrub my tongue - and my gums - and my tonsils - and my hand!" He bolted for Giles' bathroom.
Spike stood up shakily, "I've been swapping spit with monkey boy... " He rushed to the sideboard and took a desperate swig from Giles' whisky, then tipped the bottle up and gargled half the contents.
Giles remained bowed over his teapot lid, wrapped in his own private sorrow.
Buffy and Anya stared at Willow, fury and outrage playing across their faces.
"Hey," Willow said, "I didn't do anything... ok well, maybe I did so - but I didn't mean to - and for God's sake," she cried, "I've just been dumped by my boyfriend, doesn't anybody care?"
"No," said Buffy, cracking her knuckles ominously, "I can't say that we do." Anya moved up on her flank, hefting a broken table leg in her hand. They stepped towards her.
"Any one for cookies?" said Willow desperately.