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Villains for Minion Reform and Equality of the Enslaved

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“I cannot thank you enough for coming with me to Midgard, Sigyn.”

“It’s what friends are for, Loki.”

“You’re sure the position of villainous confidante suits you, though?”

“Would you believe me if I said I’ve always wanted to try it?”

 

“And your names?” the tax man asked.

“Luke Skywalker –”

The tax man raised an eyebrow.

“– yes, yes, I know, I had a miserable childhood – and Sigyn Ságasdottir.”

“I thought you said you two were married.”

“We are,” Sigyn lied.

“Oh, so you’re one of those women who refuse to give up their maiden names.”

“What? Why would I give up my name? It’s mine.”

The tax man filled in his forms, shaking his head and muttering something about ‘feminists’.

When they were done and stepped out of the building, Sigyn turned to Loki and asked, “What’s a feminist?”

“I have no idea. We’ll have to look it up. But first, we celebrate our first successful act of evil. Tax fraud!”

 

Sigyn tapped away at her keyboard excitedly.

“Loki, this feminist phenomenon is groundbreaking! I cannot imagine why the tax man sounded so sceptical. You might want to look at this yourself, they also have a great deal to say about men who perform womanly arts, such as your magics.”

“Hey now...”

“No, see, the feminist philosophy says that that’s fine! Here, read this. And this. And this.”

Loki did not emerge from the computer for three days. On the fourth day, he hugged her until her ribs groaned. “Mine will be the best evil reign this realm has ever seen. These wonderful creatures deserve it.”

 

“‘Honey’, I’m home!”

“Have a nice day, ‘dear’?”

“Very. I put up ‘do not walk on the grass’ signs on every sports field in the city and turned the billboards on Times Square into waterfalls. Spider-Man says hi. What’s for dinner?”

“I am not preparing your meal for you today, nor will I be pouring your cups. Instead, I am taking you out to a restaurant and paying for your meal.”

“I can easily magic something up for us if you don’t feel like...”

“No, no, that’s for next week. Traditionally, paying is something men do, so today I, as a woman, will do it. And tonight you will give me a shoulder massage. It’ll be just like a date,” Sigyn said brightly.

Loki blinked, then shrugged. “Okay.”

 

“Sigyn?”

“Yo.” She popped another handful of popcorn into her mouth, eyes not leaving her movie. It started giving Loki a headache within seconds of what appeared to be a girl running on loop in five different boxes all out of sync from each other.

“Aren’t you supposed to be at work?”

“I’ve changed my mind about being a working woman. Jobs are for commoners, I will take up villainy instead.”

Unholy fondness for arthouse movies or no, Loki may well have fallen in love on the spot.

 

“See, I told you this debate club would be fun.”

“Why did that woman keep calling you a ‘beard’?”

“It’s a term for women who pose as the lover of a man of the homosexual persuasion. Sort of how men with an insecurity complex over their small penis will grow a big beard to prove to society that they are tough manly men regardless.”

“...hold on, I’ve got to give her an ingrown toenail for a moment.”

“Aw, don’t, I like her. And we did tell her I was only your wife for the tax benefits.”

“It doesn’t offend you to be seen as a... a moustache?

“I’m too amused to be offended.”

“Well I’m not. Be right back.”

“Hey! It’s okay to be gay!”

“Not when it turns you into glorified facial hair, it isn’t.”

 

“...I chased Ratatosk through every branch of Yggdrasil so you could invite Sif?

“She’s basically a genderflipped version of you, she deserves to know about the feminism too. Besides, I’ve been missing girl company that doesn’t look at me funny when I try to order a pint of mead.”

“But in case you hadn’t noticed, her moral alignment clashes with ours.”

“Only with yours. I’m still true neutral. Now if you’ll excuse me, I promised to take her to the lez bar tonight for some soul searching.”

Loki’s eyes went wide as saucers. “Don’t you dare came back with a homosexual persuasion.”

“A man cannot command me! I am a feminist!” With a combatively raised fist and a ‘raawr!’, she marched out the door.

 

“Sigyn, does this dress emphasize my bust?”

“I thought you didn’t want me to come back with a homosexual persuasion.”

“Never hurts to play it safe.”

“Hm. I think I need to see that bust in its untamed state first before I can judge the dress.”

 

“Sif is what?”

“Courting an artist, Loki, with emphasis on artist.”

“I thought you said that. Why would you say that?”

“His name is Steve Rogers and she just e-mailed me photographs of him in the wedding dresses they’re considering. And we’re invited!”

 

“What a lovely wedding. I didn’t think it possible for a ceremony styled in the Christian fashion to be so lovely, but they looked so happy.”

“I can’t wait for the fallout from the conservative thinkers. But my brother’s face was the best part. Do you think we should finally enlighten him?”

“Nah. Jane likes him all old-fashioned and knightly.”

“I never liked Jane.”

“Nonsense, why else would you keep turning her into a mouse?”

“So a cat can eat her.”

“The size you make her, she’d sooner eat the cat.”

 

“I’m waiting, you know.”

“For what?”

“For you to stop pretending this is about tax benefits and make an honest woman out of me. We’re villains, we don’t even pay taxes.”

“And you’re a diligent student of the feminist philosophy, why would you want to be an honest woman?”

“Because it’ll also make you my honest man. Well. Mine, anyway.”

“Even so, surely a feminist woman should be the one to ask.”

“I just did. Don’t make me repeat myself.”

He didn’t.